"THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE"
In which are included Memoirs of a Lady of
Quality
VOLUME I.
CHAPTER I.
An Account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle—The Disposition of his
Sister described—He yields to her Solicitations, and returns
to the Country.
In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by
the sea, and at the distance of one hundred miles from the
metropolis, lived Gamaliel Pickle, esq.; the father of that
hero whose fortunes we propose to record. He was the son of
a merchant in London, who, like Rome, from small beginnings
had raised himself to the highest honours of the city, and
acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to his infinite
regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring his
son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to
imitate his industry, and adhere to his maxims, until he
should have made up the deficiency, which was a sum
considerably less than fifteen thousand pounds.
This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon
his representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the
request of the deceased: but exerted all the capacity with
which nature had endowed him, in a series of efforts, which,
however, did not succeed; for by the time he had been
fifteen years in trade, he found himself five thousand
pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of
his father's effects; a circumstance that affected him so
nearly, as to detach his inclinations from business, and
induce him to retire from the world to some place where he
might at leisure deplore his misfortunes, and, by frugality,
secure himself from want, and the apprehensions of a jail,
with which his imagination was incessantly haunted. He was
often heard to express his fears of coming upon the parish;
and to bless God, that, on account of his having been so
long a housekeeper, he was entitled to that provision. In
short, his talents were not naturally active, and there was
a sort of inconsistency in his character; for, with all the
desire of amassing which any citizen could possibly
entertain, he was encumbered by a certain indolence and
sluggishness that prevailed over every interested
consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by that
singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites,
which have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of
immense fortunes; qualities which he possessed in a very
remarkable degree. Nature, in all probability, had mixed
little or nothing inflammable in his composition; or,
whatever seeds of excess she might have sown within him,
were effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity of
his education.
The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or
criminal, never exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity
which an extraordinary pot, on extraordinary occasions, may
be supposed to have produced in a club of sedate
book-keepers, whose imaginations were neither very warm nor
luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he was
scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The
passion of love never interrupted his tranquility; and if,
as Mr. Creech says, after Horace,
Not to admire is all the art I know;
To make men happy, and to keep them so;
Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable
secret; at least, he was never known to betray the faintest
symptom of transport, except one evening at the club, where
he observed, with some demonstrations of vivacity, that he
had dined upon a delicate loin of veal.
Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not
help feeling his disappointments in trade; and upon the
failure of a certain underwriter, by which he lost five
hundred pounds, declared his design of relinquishing
business, and retiring to the country. In this resolution he
was comforted and encouraged by his only sister, Mrs.
Grizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his
father, and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood,
with a fortune of five thousand pounds, and a large stock of
economy and devotion.
These qualifications, one would think, might have been
the means of abridging the term of her celibacy, as she
never expressed any aversion to wedlock; but, it seems, she
was too delicate in her choice, to find a mate to her
inclination in the city: for I cannot suppose that she
remained so long unsolicited; though the charms of her
person were not altogether enchanting, nor her manner over
and above agreeable. Exclusive of a very wan (not to call it
sallow) complexion, which, perhaps, was the effects of her
virginity and mortification, she had a cast in her eyes that
was not at all engaging; and such an extent of mouth, as no
art or affectation could contract into any proportionable
dimension; then her piety was rather peevish than resigned,
and did not in the least diminish a certain stateliness in
her demeanour and conversation, that delighted in
communicating the importance and honour of her family,
which, by the bye, was not to be traced two generations back
by all the power of heraldry or tradition.
She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had
acquired before her father served the office of sheriff; and
the eye which regulated the dates of all her observation,
was the mayoralty of her papa. Nay, so solicitous was this
good lady for the support and propagation of the family
name, that, suppressing every selfish motive, she actually
prevailed upon her brother to combat with his own
disposition, and even surmount it so far, as to declare a
passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded, as we
shall see in the sequel. Indeed, she was the spur that
instigated him in all his extraordinary undertakings; and I
question, whether he would or not have been able to
disengage himself from that course of life in which he had
so long mechanically moved, unless he had been roused and
actuated by her incessant exhortations. London, she
observed, was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest,
unsuspecting man was every day in danger of falling a
sacrifice to craft; where innocence was exposed to continual
temptations, and virtue eternally persecuted by malice and
slander; where everything was ruled by caprice and
corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised. This
last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and
chagrin, as plainly denoted how far she considered herself
as an example of what she advanced; and really the charge
was justified by the constructions that were put upon her
retreat by her female friends, who, far from imputing it to
the laudable motives that induced her, insinuated, in
sarcastic commendations, that she had good reason to be
dissatisfied with a place where she had been so overlooked;
and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last
effort in the country, where, in all probability, her
talents would be less eclipsed, and her fortune more
attractive.
Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were
powerful enough to convince, would have been insufficient to
overcome the languor and vis inertiae of her brother, had
she not reinforced her arguments, by calling in question the
credit of two or three merchants, with whom he was embarked
in trade.
Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, he exerted
himself effectually; he withdrew his money from trade, and
laying it out in Bank-stock, and India-bonds, removed to a
house in the country, which his father had built near the
sea-side, for the convenience of carrying on a certain
branch of traffic in which he had been deeply concerned.
Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in
the six-and-thirtieth year of his age; and though the pangs
he felt at parting with his intimate companions, and
quitting all his former connections, were not quite so keen
as to produce any dangerous disorder in his constitution, he
did not fail to be extremely disconcerted at his first
entrance into a scene of life to which he was totally a
stranger. Not but that he met with abundance of people in
the country, who, in consideration of his fortune, courted
his acquaintance, and breathed nothing but friendship and
hospitality; yet, even the trouble of receiving and
returning these civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a
man of his habits and disposition. He therefore left the
care of the ceremonial to his sister, who indulged herself
in all the pride of formality; while he himself, having made
a discovery of a public-house in the neighbourhood, went
thither every evening and enjoyed his pipe and can; being
very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord,
whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own
taciturnity; for he shunned all superfluity of speech, as
much as he avoided any other unnecessary expense.
CHAPTER II.
He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore
Trunnion and his Adherents—Meets with them by Accident, and
contracts an Intimacy with that Commander.
This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all
the characters in the county; and, among others, described
that of his next neighbour, Commodore Trunnion, which was
altogether singular and odd. "The commodore and your
worship," said he, "will in a short time be hand and glove,
he has a power of money, and spends it like a prince—that
is, in his own way—for to be sure he is a little humorsome,
as the saying is, and swears woundily; though I'll be sworn
he means no more harm than a sucking babe. Lord help us! it
will do your honour's heart good to hear him tell a story,
as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm and
yard-arm, board and board, and of heaving grapplings, and
stink-pots, and grapes, and round and double-headed
partridges, crows and carters. Lord have mercy upon us! he
has been a great warrior in his time, and lost an eye and a
heel in the service. Then he does not live like any other
Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as if
he were in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants
turn out in the night, watch and watch as he calls it, all
the year round. His habitation is defended by a ditch, over
which he has laid a draw-bridge, and planted his court-yard
with patereroes continually loaded with shot, under the
direction of one Mr. Hatchway, who had one of his legs shot
away while he acted as lieutenant on board the commodore's
ship; and now, being on half-pay, lives with him as his
companion. The lieutenant is a very brave man, a great
joker, and, as the saying is, hath got the length of his
commander's foot—though he has another favourite in the
house called Tom Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and
now keeps the servants in order. Tom is a man of few words,
but an excellent hand at a song concerning the boatswain's
whistle, hustle-cap, and chuck-farthing—there is not such
another pipe in the county—so that the commodore lives very
happy in his own manner; though he be sometimes thrown into
perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his
poor kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of
them were the first occasion of his going to sea. Then he
sweats with agony at the sight of an attorney, just, for all
the world, as some people have an antipathy to a cat: for it
seems he was once at law, for striking one of his officers,
and cast in a swinging sum. He is, moreover, exceedingly
afflicted with goblins that disturb his rest, and keep such
a racket in his house, that you would think (God bless us!)
all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him. It was no
longer ago than last year about this time, that he was
tormented the livelong night by the mischievous spirits that
got into his chamber, and played a thousand pranks about his
hammock, for there is not one bed within his walls. Well,
sir, he rang his bell, called up all his servants, got
lights, and made a thorough search; but the devil a goblin
was to be found. He had no sooner turned in again, and the
rest of the family gone to sleep, than the foul fiends began
their game anew. The commodore got up in the dark, drew his
cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that in five
minutes everything in the apartment went to pieces, The
lieutenant, hearing the noise, came to his assistance. Tom
Pipes, being told what was the matter, lighted his match,
and going down to the yard, fired all the patereroes as
signals of distress. Well, to be sure the whole parish was
in a pucker: some thought the French had landed; others
imagined the commodore's house was beset by thieves; for my
own part, I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon
me, and they swore, with deadly oaths, it was a gang of
smugglers engaged with a party of their regiment that lies
in the next village; and mounting their horses like lusty
fellows, rode up into the country as fast as their beasts
could carry them. Ah, master! These are hard times, when an
industrious body cannot earn his bread without fear of the
gallows. Your worship's father (God rest his soul!) was a
good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as e'er
a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour
should want a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of
right Nantes, I'll be bound you shall be furnished to your
heart's content. But, as I was saying, the hubbub continued
till morning, when the parson being sent for, conjured the
spirits into the Red Sea; and the house has been pretty
quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway makes a mock of
the whole affair; and told his commander, in this very
blessed spot, that the two goblins were no other than a
couple of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney, and
made a flapping with their wings up and down the apartment.
But the commodore, who is very choleric, and does not like
to be jeered, fell into a main high passion, and stormed
like a perfect hurricane, swearing that he knew a devil from
a jackdaw as well as e'er a man in the three kingdoms. He
owned, indeed, that the birds were found, but denied that
they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own part,
master, I believe much may be said on both sides of the
question; though to be sure, the devil is always going
about, as the saying is."
This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was,
never altered one feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle,
who, having heard it to an end, took the pipe from his
mouth, saying, with a look of infinite sagacity and
deliberation, "I do suppose he is of the Cornish Trunnions.
What sort of a woman is his spouse?" "Spouse!" cried the
other; "odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the queen
of Sheba. Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to
be in the garrison, but turns them into an out-house every
night before the watch is set. Bless your honour's soul, he
is, as it were, a very oddish kind of a gentleman. Your
worship would have seen him before now; for, when he is
well, he and my good master Hatchway come hither every
evening, and drink a couple of cans of rumbo a piece; but he
has been confined to his house this fortnight by a plaguy
fit of the gout, which, I'll assure your worship, is a good
penny out of my pocket."
At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such
a strange noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his
face, which gave immediate indications of alarm. This
composition of notes at first resembled the crying of
quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but as it approached
nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds pronounced
with great violence, in such a cadence as one would expect
to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs of
an ass; it was neither speaking nor braying, but a
surprising mixture of both, employed in the utterance of
terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant,
who had just opened his mouth to express his curiosity, when
the starting up at the well-known sound, cried, "Odd's
niggers! there is the commodore with his company, as sure as
I live," and with his apron began to wipe the dust off an
elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and kept sacred
for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander. While
he was thus occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than the
former, bawled aloud, "Ho! the house, a-hoy!" Upon which the
publican, clapping a hand to each side of his head with his
thumbs fixed to his ears, rebellowed in the same tone, which
he had learned to imitate, "Hilloah." The voice again
exclaimed, "Have you got any attorneys aboard?" and when the
landlord replied, "No, no," this man of strange expectation
came in, supported by his two dependents, and displayed a
figure every way answerable to the oddity of his character.
He was in stature at least six feet high, though he had
contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long on board;
his complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by
a large scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the
place of one eye. Being seated in his chair, with great
formality the landlord complimented him upon his being able
to come abroad again; and having in a whisper communicated
the name of his fellow-guest, whom the commodore already
knew by report, went to prepare, with all imaginable
despatch, the first allowance of his favourite liquor, in
three separate cans (for each was accommodated with his own
portion apart), while the lieutenant sat down on the blind
side of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing his distance,
with great modesty took his station in the rear.
After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun
by this ferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the
lieutenant with a sternness of countenance not to be
described, addressed him in these words: "D— my eyes!
Hatchway, I always took you to be a better seaman than to
overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood! didn't I
tell you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set in the
ice-brace, and haul up a wind?"—"Yes," replied the other,
with an arch sneer, "I do confess as how you did give such
orders, after you had run us foul of a post, so as that the
carriage lay along, and could not right herself."—"I run you
foul of a post!" cried the commander: "d— my heart! you're a
pretty dog, an't you, to tell me so above-board to my face?
Did I take charge of the chaise? Did I stand at the
helm?"—"No," answered Hatchway; "I must confess you did not
steer; but, howsomever, you cunned all the way, and so, as
you could not see how the land lay, being blind of your
larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew anything
of the matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth
of what I say."—"D— my limbs!" resumed the commodore, "I
don't value what you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a
couple of mutinous—I'll say no more; but you shan't run your
rig upon me, d— ye, I am the man that learnt you, Jack
Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a perpendicular."
The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with
the trim of his captain, did not choose to carry on the
altercation any further; but taking up his can, drank to the
health of the stranger, who very courteously returned the
compliment, without, however, presuming to join in the
conversation, which suffered a considerable pause. During
this interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in
several practical jokes upon the commodore, with whom he
knew it was dangerous to tamper in any other way. Being
without the sphere of his vision, he securely pilfered his
tobacco, drank his rumbo, made wry faces, and, to use the
vulgar phrase, cocked his eye at him, to the no small
entertainment of the spectators, Mr. Pickle himself not
excepted, who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction
at the dexterity of this marine p pantomime.
Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and
he was pleased to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and
friendly diminutive of Jack, to read a newspaper that lay on
the table before him. This task was accordingly undertaken
by the lame lieutenant, who, among paragraphs, read that
which follows, with an elevation of voice which seemed to
prognosticate something extraordinary: "We are informed,
that Admiral Bower will very soon be created a British peer,
for his eminent services during the war, particularly in his
late engagement with the French fleet."
Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence:
the ring dropped front his hand, and shivered into a
thousand pieces; his eye glistened like that of a
rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed before he could
pronounce, "Avast! overhaul that article again!"
It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the
table with his fist, he started up, and, with the most
violent emphasis of rage and indignation, exclaimed, "D— my
heart and liver! 'tis a land lie, d'ye see; and I will
maintain it to be a lie, from the sprit-sail yard to the
mizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder! Will. Bower a
peer of this realm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce knows
a mast from a manger! a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have
ordered to the gun, for stealing eggs out of the hen-coops!
and I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a ship before he could
keep a reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and forgotten! If
so be as this be the case, there is a rotten plank in our
constitution, which ought to be hove down and repaired, d—
my eyes! For my own part, d'ye see, I was none of your
Guinea pigs: I did not rise in the service by
parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b— of a wife. I was
not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the
quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the
wrists. D— my limbs! I have been a hard-working man, and
served all offices on board from cook's shifter to the
command of a vessel. Here, you Tunley, there's the hand of a
seaman, you dog."
So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and
honoured him with such a squeeze, as compelled him to roar
with great vociferation, to the infinite satisfaction of the
commodore, whose features were a little unblended by this
acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus proceeded, in a
less outrageous strain: "They make a d—d noise about this
engagement with the French: but, egad! it was no more than a
bumboat battle, in comparison with some that I have seen.
There was old Rook and Jennings, and another whom I'll be
d—d before I name, that knew what fighting was. As for my
own share, d'ye see, I am none of those that hallo in their
own commendation: but if so be that I were minded to stand
my own trumpeter, some of those little fellows that hold
their heads so high would be taken all aback, as the saying
is: they would be ashamed to show their colours, d— my eyes!
I once lay eight glasses alongside of the Flour de Louse, a
French man-of-war, though her mettle was heavier, and her
complement larger by a hundred hands than mine. You, Jack
Hatchway, d— ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell a
story, because you never heard it before?"
"Why, look ye, sir," answered the lieutenant, "I am glad
to find you can stand your own trumpeter on occasion; though
I wish you would change the tune, for that is the same you
have been piping every watch for these ten months past.
Tunley himself will tell you he has heard it five hundred
times."—"God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway," said the landlord,
interrupting him; "as I am an honest man and a housekeeper,
I never heard a syllable of the matter."
This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely
agreeable to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph,
observed, "Aha! Jack, I thought I should bring you up, with
your gibes and your jokes: but suppose you had heard it
before, is that any reason why it shouldn't be told to
another person? There's the stranger, belike he has heard it
five hundred times too; han't you, brother?" addressing
himself to Mr. Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing
curiosity, "No, never;" he thus went on: "Well, you seem to
be an honest, quiet sort of a man; and therefore you must
know, as I said before, I fell in with a French man-of-war,
Cape Finistere bearing about six leagues on the weather bow,
and the chase three leagues to leeward, going before the
wind: whereupon I set my studding sails; and coming up with
her, hoisted my jack and ensign, and poured in a broadside,
before you could count three rattlins in the mizen shrouds;
for I always keep a good look-out, and love to have the
first fire."
"That I'll be sworn," said Hatchway: "for the day we made
the Triumph you ordered the men to fire when she was
hull-to, by the same token we below pointed the guns at a
flight of gulls; and I won a can of punch from the gunner by
killing the first bird."
Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great
vehemence, "You lie, lubber! D— your bones! what business
have you to come always athwart my hawse in this manner?
You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can bear witness whether or
not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of a ——, and that
upon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear of us when
I gave orders to fire?"
Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called
upon to give his evidence, after divers strange
gesticulations, opened his mouth like a gasping cod, and
with a cadence like that of the east wind singing through a
cranny, pronounced, "Half a quarter of a league right upon
our lee-beam."
"Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab," cried the commodore,
"nearer by twelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to
prove the falsehood of Hatchway's jaw—and so, brother, d'ye
see," turning to Pickle, "I lay alongside of the Flour de
Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm, plying out great guns and
small arms, and heaving in stink-pots, powder-bottles, and
hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended,
double-headed, partridge and grape: then we loaded with iron
crows, marlin-spikes, and old nails; but finding the
Frenchman took a good deal of drubbing, and that he had shot
away all our rigging, and killed and wounded a great number
of our men, d'ye see, I resolved to run him on board upon
his quarter, and so ordered our grapplings to be got ready;
but monsieur, perceiving what we were about, filled his
topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a log upon the
water, and our scuppers running with blood."
Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary
attention to the rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion
was encouraged to entertain them with more stories of the
same nature; after which he observed, by way of encomium on
the government, that all he had gained in the service was a
lame foot and the loss of an eye. The lieutenant, who could
not find in his heart to lose any opportunity of being witty
at the expense of his commander, gave a loose to his
satirical talent once more, saying,—"I have heard as how you
came by your lame foot, by having your upper decks
over-stowed with liquor, whereby you became crank, and
rolled, d'ye see, in such a manner, that by a pitch of the
ship your starboard heel was jammed in one of the scuppers;
and as for the matter of your eye, that was knocked out by
your own crew when the Lightning was paid off: there's poor
Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours of the rainbow
for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; and
I don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he
deserves."
As the commodore could not deny the truth of these
anecdotes, however unseasonably they were introduced, he
affected to receive them with good humour, as jokes of the
lieutenant's own inventing; and replied, "Ay, ay, Jack,
everybody knows your tongue is no slander; but, howsomever,
I'll work you to an oil for this, you dog." So saying, he
lifted up one of his crutches, intending to lay it gently
across Mr. Hatchway's pate; but Jack, with great agility,
tilted up his wooden leg, with which he warded off the blow,
to the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter
astonishment of the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed
the same amazement, at the same feet, at the same hour,
every night, for three months before. Trunnion then,
directing his eye to the boatswain's mate, "You, Pipes,"
said he, "do you go about and tell people that I did not
reward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these
rebellious rapscallions? D— you, han't you been rated on the
books ever since?"
Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his
pipe with great indifference, and never dreamed of paying
any regard to these interrogations; which being repeated and
reinforced with many oaths, that, however, produced no
effect, the commodore pulled out his purse, saying, "Here,
you b— baby, here's something better than a smart ticket;"
and threw it at his silent deliverer, who received and
pocketed his bounty, without the least demonstration of
surprise or satisfaction; while the donor, turning to Mr.
Pickle, "You see, brother," said he, "I make good the old
saying; we sailors get money like horses, and spend it like
asses: come, Pipes, let's have the boatswain's whistle, and
be jovial."
This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver
instrument that hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a
chain of the same metal, and though not quite so ravishing
as the pipe of Hermes, produced a sound so loud and shrill,
that the stranger, as it were instinctively, stopped his
ears, to preserve his organs of hearing from such a
dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, Pipes
fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from
the ceiling, and without once moving them from that object,
performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed
to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's
horn: the commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord, joined in
the chorus, repeating this elegant stanza:—
Bustle, bustle, brave boys!
Let us sing, let us toil,
And drink all the while,
Since labour's the price of our joys.
The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was
lifted to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and
the next word taken up at the end of their draught with a
twang equally expressive and harmonious. In short, the
company began to understand one another; Mr. Pickle seemed
to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence
immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook
him by the hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even
invited him to a mess of pork and pease in the garrison. The
compliment was returned, good-fellowship prevailed, and the
night was pretty far advanced, when the merchant's man
arrived with a lantern to light his master home; upon which,
the new friends parted, after a mutual promise of meeting
next evening in the same place.
CHAPTER III.
Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for
her Brother; who is accordingly introduced to the young
Lady, whom he marries in due Season.
I have been the more circumstantial in opening the
character of Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share
in the course of these memoirs; but now it is high time to
resume the consideration of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her
arrival in the country, had been engrossed by a double care,
namely, that of finding a suitable match for her brother,
and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself.
Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail
aggression, but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition,
which prompted her to the preservation of the family name.
Nay, so disinterested was she in this pursuit, that,
postponing her nearest concern, or at least leaving her own
fate to the silent operation of her charms, she laboured
with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother, that
before they had been three months settled in the country,
the general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was
an intended match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair
Miss Appleby, daughter of a gentleman who lived in the next
parish, and who though he had but little fortune to bestow
upon his children, had, to use his own phrase, replenished
their veins with some of the best blood in the country.
This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs.
Grizzle had investigated to her own satisfaction, was
destined for the spouse of Mr. Pickle; and an overture
accordingly made to her father, who, being overjoyed at the
proposal, gave his consent without hesitation, and even
recommended the immediate execution of the project with such
eagerness, as seemed to indicate either a suspicion of Mr.
Pickle's constancy, or a diffidence of his own daughter's
complexion, which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep
much longer cool. The previous point being thus settled, our
merchant, at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit
his future father-in-law, and was introduced to the
daughter, with whom he had, that same afternoon, an
opportunity of being alone. What passed in that interview I
never could learn, though from the character of the suitor,
the reader may justly conclude that she was not much teased
with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I
believe, the less welcome for that reason: certain it is she
made no objection to his taciturnity; and when her father
communicated his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious
resignation. But Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give the lady a
more favourable idea of his intellects than his conversation
could possibly inspire, resolved to dictate a letter, which
her brother should transcribe and transmit to his mistress
as the produce of his own understanding, and had actually
composed a very tender billet for this purpose; yet her
intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension of
the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's
repeated admonitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing,
for himself, and despatching the letter one afternoon, while
Mrs. Grizzle was visiting at the parson's.
Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or
precipitation; but having been often assured by his sister
that it was absolutely necessary for him to make a
declaration of his love in writing, he took this opportunity
of acting in conformity with her advice, when his
imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other
suggestion, without suspecting in the least that she
intended to save him the trouble of exercising his own
genius. Left, therefore, as he imagined, to his own
inventions, he sat down, and produced the following morceau,
which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before his sister and
counsellor had the least intimation of the affair:—
"Miss Sally Appleby.
"Madam,—Understanding you have a parcel of heart,
warranted
sound, to be disposed of, shall be pleased to treat for said
commodity, on reasonable terms; doubt not, shall agree for
same; shall wait on you for further information, when and
where
you shall appoint. This the needful from—Yours, etc.
"Gam. Pickle."
This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met
with as cordial a reception from the person to whom it was
addressed, as if it had been couched in the most elegant
terms that delicacy of passion and cultivated genius could
supply; nay, I believe, was the more welcome on account of
its mercantile plainness; because when an advantageous match
is in view, a sensible woman often considers the flowery
professions and rapturous exclamations of love as ensnaring
ambiguities, or, at best, impertinent preliminaries, that
retard the treaty they are designed to promote; whereas Mr.
Pickle removed all disagreeable uncertainty, by descending
at once to the most interesting particular.
She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated this
billet-doux to her father, than he, as a careful parent,
visited Mr. Pickle, and, in presence of Mrs. Grizzle,
demanded a formal explanation of his sentiments with regard
to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel, without any ceremony,
assured him he had a respect for the young woman, and, with
his good leave, would take her for better, for worse. Mr.
Appleby, after having expressed his satisfaction that he had
fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with
the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady; and
they forthwith proceeded to the articles of the
marriage-settlement, which being discussed and determined, a
lawyer was ordered to engross them; the wedding-clothes were
bought, and, in short, a day was appointed for the
celebration of their nuptials, to which everybody of any
fashion in the neighbourhood was invited. Among these,
commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten,
being the sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by
this time, they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their
nocturnal rendezvous.
They had received a previous intimation of what was on
the anvil, from the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought
proper to declare himself; in consequence of which, the
topic of the one-eyed commander's discourse, at their
meeting, for several evenings before, had been the folly and
plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great
vehemence of abuse, leveled at the fair sex, whom he
represented as devils incarnate, sent from hell to torment
mankind; and in particular inveighed against old maids, for
whom he seemed to entertain a singular aversion; while his
friend Jack confirmed the truth of all his allegations, and
gratified his own malignant vein at the same time by
clenching every sentence with a sly joke upon the married
state, built upon some allusion to a ship or sea-faring
life. He compared a woman to a great gun loaded with fire,
brimstone, and noise, which, being violently heated, will
bounce and fly, and play the devil, if you don't take
special care of her breechings. He said she was like a
hurricane that never blows from one quarter, but veers about
to all points of the compass. He likened her to a painted
galley, curiously rigged, with a leak in her hold, which her
husband would never be able to stop. He observed that her
inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay; for why? because
you may heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever
reaching the bottom; that he who comes to anchor on a wife
may find himself moored in d—d foul ground, and after all,
can't for his blood slip his cable; and that, for his own
part, though he might make short trips for pastime, he would
never embark in woman on the voyage of life, he was afraid
of foundering in the first foul weather.
In all probability, these insinuations made some
impression on the mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much
inclined to run great risks of any kind; but the injunctions
and importunities of his sister, who was bent upon the
match, overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends, who
finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding all the
hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his
invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence
accordingly.
CHAPTER IV.
The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an
Account of the Guests.
I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance,
by way of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand
occasion, summoned her whole exertion to play off the
artillery of her charms on the single gentlemen who were
invited to the entertainment; sure I am, she displayed to
the best advantage all the engaging qualities she possessed;
her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her
attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her
tongue was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine
lisp, her address was perfectly obliging, and though
conscious of the extraordinary capacity of her month, she
would not venture to hazard a laugh, she modelled her lips
into an enchanting simper, which played on her countenance
all day long; nay, she even profited by that defect in her
vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated
those features which were most to her liking, while the rest
of the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite
contrary direction. With what humility of complaisance did
she receive the compliments of those who could not help
praising the elegance of the banquet; and how piously did
she seize that opportunity of commemorating the honours of
her sire, by observing that it was no merit in her to
understand something of entertainments, as she had occasion
to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her papa!
Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and
exultation when the opulence of her family became the
subject of conversation, she assumed a severity of
countenance; and, after having moralized on the vanity of
riches, declared that those who looked on her as a fortune
were very much mistaken; for her father had left her no more
than a poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little
she had saved of the interest since his death, was all she
had to depend on: indeed, if she had placed her chief
felicity in wealth, she should not have been so forward in
destroying her own expectations, by advising and promoting
the event at which they were now so happily assembled; but
she hoped she should always have virtue enough to postpone
any interested consideration, when it should happen to clash
with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her
modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed
those whom it might concern, that she was no less than three
years older than the bride; though had she added ten to the
reckoning, she would have committed no mistake in point of
computation.
To contribute as much as lay in her power to the
satisfaction of all present, she in the afternoon regaled
them with a tune on the harpsichord, accompanied with her
voice, which, though not the most melodious in the world, I
dare say, would have been equally at their service could she
have vied with Philomel in song; and as the last effort of
her complaisance, when dancing was proposed, she was
prevailed on, at the request of her new sister, to open the
ball in person.
In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this
festival, and almost eclipsed the bride; who, far from
seeming to dispute the pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her
to make the best of her talents; contenting herself with the
lot to which fortune had already called her and which she
imagined would not be the less desirable if her
sister-in-law were detached from the family.
I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during
this whole entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant
were quite out of their element; and this, indeed, was the
case with the bridegroom himself, who being utterly
unacquainted with any sort of polite commerce, found himself
under a very disagreeable restraint during the whole scene.
Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was
paid off, and never once in his whole life in the company of
any females above the rank of those who herd on the Point at
Portsmouth, was more embarrassed about his behaviour than if
he had been surrounded at sea by the whole French navy. He
had never pronounced the word "madam" since he was born; so
that, far from entering into conversation with the ladies,
he would not even return the compliment, or give the least
note of civility when they drank to his health, and, I
verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation than
allowed the simple phrase—"your servant," to proceed from
his mouth. He was altogether as inflexible with respect to
the attitudes of his body; for, either through obstinacy or
bashfulness, he sat upright without motion, insomuch that he
provoked the mirth of a certain wag, who, addressing himself
to the lieutenant, asked whether that was the commodore
himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand at his
gate?—an image, to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's
person bore no faint resemblance.
Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the
commodore, and had certain notions that seemed to approach
the ideas of common life, made a less uncouth appearance;
but then he was a wit, and though of a very peculiar genius,
partook largely of that disposition which is common to all
wits, who never enjoy themselves except when their talents
meet with those marks of distinction and veneration, which,
in their own opinion, they deserve.
These circumstances being premised, it is not to be
wondered at, if this triumvirate made no objections to the
proposal, when some of the graver personages of the company
made a motion for adjourning into another apartment, where
they might enjoy their pipes and bottles, while the young
folks indulged themselves in the continuance of their own
favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a state
of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle
made of their existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard
with bumpers, that in less than an hour he made divers
efforts to sing, and soon after was carried to bed, deprived
of all manner of sensation, to the utter disappointment of
the bridemen and maids, who, by this accident, were
prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing certain
other ceremonies practised on such occasions. As for the
bride, she bore this misfortune with great good humour, and
indeed, on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman,
perfectly well acquainted with the nature of her own
situation.
CHAPTER V.
Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own
Family—Her Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great
Moment, but is for some time diverted from her Purpose by a
very interesting Consideration.
Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid
to Mrs. Grizzle before she nearly allied to her family, she
no sooner became Mrs. Pickle, than she thought it encumbent
on her to act up to the dignity of the character; and, the
very day after the marriage, ventured to dispute with her
sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which she
affirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of
her husband; observing that several younger brothers of her
house had arrived at the station of lord-mayor of London,
which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr.
Pickle's predecessors had ever attained.
This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle,
who began to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so
well as she imagined, in selecting for her brother a gentle
and obedient yoke-fellow, who would always treat her with
that profound respect which she thought due to her superior
genius, and be entirely regulated by her advice and
direction: however, she still continued to manage the reins
of government in the house, reprehending the servants as
usual; an office she performed with great capacity, and in
which she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs.
Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told her one day
she would take that trouble on herself, and for the future
assume the management of her own family. Nothing could be
more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such a declaration; to
which, after a considerable pause, and strange distortion of
look, she replied: "I shall never refuse or repine at any
trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage."—"Dear
madam," answered the sister, "I am infinitely obliged for
your kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I
consider as my own, but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer
by your friendship; and, therefore, insist on exempting you
from the fatigue you have borne so long."
In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in
the task: Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess
of complaisance; and expressed such tenderness of zeal for
her dear sister's health and tranquility, that the reluctant
maiden found herself obliged to resign her authority,
without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of her
being deposed.
This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion
that lasted three or four weeks; during which period she had
the additional chagrin of seeing the young lady gain an
absolute ascendency over the mind of her brother, who was
persuaded to set up a gay equipage, and improve his
housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense, to the
amount of a thousand a year at least: though his alteration
in the economy of his household effected no change in his
own disposition, or manner of life; for as soon as the
painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits was
performed, he had recourse to the company of his sea
friends, with whom he spent the best part of his time. But
if he was satisfied with his condition, the case was
otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding her importance in
the family greatly diminished, her attractions neglected by
all the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering
hand of time hang threatening over her head, began to feel
the horror of eternal virginity, and, in a sort of
desperation, resolved at any rate to rescue herself from
that reproachful and uncomfortable situation.
Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of
which to a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than
hers, would have appeared altogether impracticable: this was
no other than to make a conquest of the commodore's heart,
which the reader will easily believe was not very
susceptible of tender impressions; but, on the contrary,
fortified with insensibility and prejudice against the
charms of the whole sex, and particularly prepossessed to
the prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation
of old maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this time
unhappily ranked. She nevertheless took the field, and
having invested this seemingly impregnable fortress, began
to break ground one day, when Trunnion dined at her
brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commendations on
the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people, paying a
particular attention to his plate, and affecting a simper of
approbation at everything which he said, which by any means
she could construe into a joke, or with modesty be supposed
to hear: nay, even when he left decency on the left hand,
which was often the case, she ventured to reprimand his
freedom of speech with a grin, saying, "Sure you gentlemen
belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you." But all
this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from
suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very
evening, at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom
by this time he could take any manner of freedom, did not
scruple to d— her for a squinting, block-faced, chattering
p— kitchen; and immediately after drank "Despair to all old
maids." The toast Mr. Pickle pledged without the least
hesitation, and next day intimated to his sister, who bore
the indignity with surprising resignation, and did not
therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed
to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in
another care, which for some time interrupted the progress
of this design.
Her sister had not been married many months, when she
exhibited evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general
satisfaction of all concerned, and the inexpressible joy of
Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we have already hinted, was more
interested in the preservation of the family name than in
any other consideration whatever. She therefore no sooner
discovered appearances to justify and confirm her hopes,
than, postponing her own purpose, and laying aside that
pique and resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of
Mrs. Pickle, when she superseded her authority; or perhaps,
considering her in no other light than that of the vehicle
which contained, and was destined to convey, her brother's
heir to light, she determined to exert her uttermost in
nursing, tending, and cherishing her during the term of her
important charge. With this view she purchased Culpepper's
Midwifery, which with that sagacious performance dignified
with Aristotle's name, she studied with indefatigable care;
and diligently perused the Complete Housewife, together with
Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, and
conserve which these authors recommend as either salutary or
toothsome, for the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law,
during her gestation. She restricted her from eating roots,
pot-herbs, fruit, and all sorts of vegetables; and one day,
when Mrs. Pickle had plucked a peach with her own hand, and
was in the very act of putting it between her teeth, Mrs.
Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and running up to her,
fell on her knees in the garden, entreating her, with tears
in her eyes, to desist such a pernicious appetite. Her
request was no sooner complied with, than recollecting, that
if her sister's longing was balked, the child might be
affected with some disagreeable mark or deplorable disease,
she begged as earnestly that she would swallow the fruit,
and in the mean time ran for some cordial water of her own
composing, which she forced on her sister, as an antidote to
the poison she had received.
This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be
very troublesome to Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers
plans for the recovery of her own ease, at length determined
to engage Mrs. Grizzle in such employment as would interrupt
that close attendance, which she found so teasing and
disagreeable. Neither did she wait long for an opportunity
of putting her resolution in practice. The very next day a
gentleman happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately
mentioned a pine-apple, part of which he had eaten a week
before at the house of a nobleman, who lived in another part
of the country, at the distance of a hundred miles at least.
The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced,
than Mrs. Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's
looks, took the alarm, because she thought they gave certain
indications of curiosity and desire; and after having
observed that she herself could never eat pine-apples, which
were altogether unnatural productions, extorted by the force
of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with a
faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of
thinking? This young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor
penetration, at once divined her meaning, and replied, with
seeming unconcern, that for her own part she should never
repine if there was no pine-apple in the universe, provided
she could indulge herself with the fruits of her own
country.
This answer was calculated for the benefit of the
stranger, who would certainly have suffered for his
imprudence by the resentment of Mrs. Grizzle, had her sister
expressed the least relish for the fruit in question. It had
the desired effect, and re-established the peace of the
company, which was not a little endangered by the
gentleman's want of consideration. Next morning, however,
after breakfast, the pregnant lady, in pursuance of her
plan, yawned, as it were by accident, full in the face of
her maiden sister, who being infinitely disturbed by this
convulsion, affirmed it was a symptom of longing, and
insisted upon knowing the object in desire; when Mrs. Pickle
affecting a smile told her she had eaten a most delicious
pine-apple in her sleep. This declaration was attended with
an immediate scream, uttered by Mrs. Grizzle, who instantly
perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation, clasped
her in her arms, and assured her, with a sort of hysterical
laugh, that she could not help screaming with joy, because
she had it in her power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a
lady in the neighbourhood having promised to send her, as a
present, a couple of delicate pine-apples, which she would
on that very day go in quest of.
Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal,
on pretence of sparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and
assured her, that if she had any desire to eat a pine-apple,
it was so faint, that the disappointment could produce no
bad consequence. But this assurance was conveyed in a
manner, which she knew very well how to adopt, that, instead
of dissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set out
immediately, not on a visit to that lady, whose promise she
herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's
tranquility, but on a random Search through the whole
country for this unlucky fruit, which was like to produce so
much vexation and prejudice to her and her father's house.
During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a
valet, ride from place to place without success, unmindful
of her health, and careless of her reputation, that began to
suffer from the nature of her inquiry, which was pursued
with such peculiar eagerness and distraction, that everybody
with whom she conversed, looked upon her as an unhappy
person, whose intellects were not a little disordered.
Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at
length decided to visit that very nobleman at whose house
the officious stranger had been (for her) so unfortunately
regaled, and actually arrived, in a post-chaise, at the
place of his habitation, when she introduced her business as
an affair on which the happiness of a whole family depended.
By virtue of a present to his lordship's gardener, she
procured the Hesperian fruit, with which she returned in
triumph.
CHAPTER VI.
Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's
Longings—Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the
Directions and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted
upon that account, and resumes the Plan which she had before
rejected.
The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs.
Pickle to practise more of the same sort upon her
sister-in-law, had she not been deterred by a violent fever
which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of the fatigue
and uneasiness she had undergone; which, while it lasted, as
effectually conduced to her repose, as any other stratagem
she could invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner
restored, than the other, being as much incommoded as ever,
was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some
other contrivance; and managed her artifices in such a
manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was
really so whimsical and capriccios in her appetites as she
herself pretended to be; for her longings were not
restricted to the demands of the palate and stomach, but
also affected all the other organs of sense, and even
invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be
strangely diseased.
One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it
was with infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail
upon him to undergo the operation. Yet this task was easy,
in comparison with another she undertook for the
gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable desire; which
was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit his
chin to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently
wished for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from
his beard. When this proposal was first communicated to Mr.
Trunnion by the husband, his answer was nothing but a
dreadful effusion of oaths, accompanied with such a stare,
and delivered in such a tone of voice, as terrified the poor
beseecher into immediate silence; so that Mrs. Grizzle was
fain to take the whole enterprise upon herself, and next day
went to the garrison accordingly, where, having obtained
entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while his
commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the
joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and
then accosted him in the yard, where he used to perform his
morning walk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a
woman in a place he had hitherto kept sacred from the whole
sex, and immediately began to utter an apostrophe to Tom
Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch; when Mrs. Grizzle,
falling on her knees before him, conjured him, with many
pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which
was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an
outrageous manner that the whole court re-echoed the
opprobrious term b—, and the word damnation, which he
repeated with surprising volubility, without any sort of
propriety or connection; and retreated into his penetralia,
leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture she had so
unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart.
Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of
her stately disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but
endeavoured to interest the commodore's counsellors and
adherents in her cause. With this view she solicited the
interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being highly pleased with a
circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion, readily
entered into her measures, and promised to employ his whole
influence for her satisfaction; and as for the boatswain's
mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of a guinea,
which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle was
continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten
days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly
pestered with her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his
associates, that he swore his people had a design upon his
life, which becoming a burden to him, he at last complied,
and was conducted to the scene like a victim to the altar,
or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is led to the stake
amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs.
After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the
conquerors imagined; for the patient being set, and the
performer prepared with a pair of pincers, a small
difficulty occurred: she could not for some time discern one
black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face,
when Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and disconcerted, had
recourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toilet;
and, after a most accurate examination, discovered a fibre
of a dusky hue, to which the instrument being applied, Mrs.
Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small
discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more
severe than he had expected, started up, and swore he would
not part with another hair to save them all from damnation.
Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation;
Mrs. Grizzle repeated her entreaties with great humility;
but finding him deaf to all her prayers, and absolutely bent
upon leaving the house, she clasped his knees, and begged
for the love of God that he would have compassion upon a
distressed family, and endure a little more for the sake of
the poor infant, who would otherwise be born with a gray
beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather
exasperated by this reflection; to which he replied with
great indignation, "D— you for a yaw-sighted b—! I'll be
hanged, long enough before he has any beard at all:" so
saying, he disengaged himself from her embraces, flung out
at the door, and halted homewards with such surprising
speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake him until he
had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs. Grizzle was so much
affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure
compassion, desired she would not afflict herself,
protesting that her own wish was already gratified, for she
had plucked three hairs at once, having from the beginning
been dubious of the commodore's patience.
But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end
with the achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or
industry was employed without ceasing in the performance of
other tasks imposed by the ingenious craft of her
sister-in-law, who at another time conceived an
insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which
should be the genuine natives of France; so that there was a
necessity for despatching a messenger on purpose to that
kingdom; but as she could not depend upon the integrity of
any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook that province,
and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, from whence
she returned in eight-and-forty hours with a tub full of
those live animals, which being dressed according to art,
her sister did not taste them, on pretence that her fit of
longing was past: but then her inclinations took a different
turn, and fixed themselves upon a curious implement
belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood, which
was reported to be a great curiosity: this was no other than
a porcelain chamber-pot of admirable workmanship, contrived
by the honourable owner, who kept it for her own private
use, and cherished it as a utensil of inestimable value.
Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of
her sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture;
because she knew it was not to be purchased; and the lady's
character, which was none of the most amiable in point of
humanity and condescension, forbad all hopes of borrowing it
for a season: she therefore attempted to reason down this
capricious appetite, as an extravagance of imagination which
ought to be combated and repressed; and Mrs. Pickle, to all
appearance was convinced and satisfied by her arguments and
advice; but, nevertheless, could make use of no other
convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous
suppression. Roused at the peril in which she supposed her
to be, Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and, having
obtained a private audience, disclosed the melancholy
situation of her sister, and implored the benevolence of her
ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received her very
graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing.
Mr. Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which
he was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was herself
alarmed at this last accident, and for the future kept her
fancy within bounds; insomuch, that without being subject to
any more extraordinary trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the
long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the birth
of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few months brought into
the world.
I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which
were infinite on this important occasion, and only observe
that Mrs. Pickle's mother and aunt stood godmothers, and the
commodore assisted at the ceremony as godfather to the
child, who was christened by the name of Peregrine, in
compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. While the
mother confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining her
own authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant baby
double claim, and superintended, with surprising vigilance,
the nurse and midwife in all the particulars of their
respective offices, which were performed by her express
direction. But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a condition to
reassume the management of her own affairs, when she thought
proper to alter certain regulations concerning the child,
which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders,
directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with
which the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an
Egyptian mummy, should be loosened and laid aside, in order
to rid nature of all restraint, and give the blood free
scope to circulate; and, with her own hands she plunged him
headlong every morning into a tub full of cold water. This
operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mrs.
Grizzle, that she not only opposed it with all her
eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice
when it was made; and took horse immediately, and departed
for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she
consulted in these words: "Pray, doctor, is it not both
dangerous and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender
infant perish by sousing it in water as cold as ice?"—"Yes,"
replied the doctor, "downright murder, I affirm."—"I see you
are a person of great learning and sagacity," said the
other; "and I must beg you will be so good as to signify
your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor
immediately complied with her request, and expressed himself
upon a slip of paper to this purpose:—
"These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly
believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever
letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even
though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in
effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness
my hand,
"Comfit Colocynth."
Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician
was handsomely acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and
hoping, with such authority, to overthrow all opposition.
Accordingly, next morning, when her nephew was about to
undergo his diurnal baptism, she produced the commission,
whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such
inhuman proceedings, but she was disappointed in her
expectation, confident as it was; not that Mrs. Pickle
pretended to differ in opinion from Dr. Colocynth, "for
whose character and sentiments," said she, "I have such
veneration, that I shall carefully observe the caution
implied in this very certificate, by which, far from
condemning my method of practice, he only asserts that
killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of which, it
is to be hoped, I shall never dispute."
Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too
superficially considered the clause by which she thought
herself authorized, perused the paper with more accuracy,
and was confounded at her own want of penetration. Yet,
though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that
her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable; on the
contrary, after having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets
on the physician, for his want of knowledge and candour, she
protested in the most earnest and solemn manner the
pernicious practice of dipping the child—a piece of cruelty
which, with God's assistance, she should never suffer to be
inflicted on her own issue; and washing her hands of the
melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue, shut
herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation.
She was deceived, however, in her prognostic. The boy,
instead of declining in point of health, seemed to acquire
fresh vigour from every plunge, as if he had been resolved
to discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who in
all probability could never forgive him for this want of
reverence and respect. This conjecture is founded upon her
behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy, during which
she was known to torture him more than once, when she had
opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any
danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a
little time altogether alienated from this hope of her
family, whom she abandoned to the conduct of his mother,
whose province it undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of
her own child; while she herself resumed her operations upon
the commodore, whom she was resoled at any rate to captivate
and enslave. And it must be owned that Mrs. Grizzle's
knowledge of the human heart never shone so conspicuous as
in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment of this
important aim.
Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of
Trunnion, she could easily distinguish a large share of that
vanity and self-conceit that generally predominate even in
the most savage beast; and to this she constantly appealed.
In his presence she always exclaimed against the craft and
dishonest dissimulation of the world, and never failed of
uttering particular invectives against those arts of
chicanery in which the lawyers are so conversant, to the
prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures; observing that
in a seafaring life, as far as she had opportunities of
judging or being informed, there was nothing but friendship,
sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was
mean or selfish.
This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain
particular civilities, insensibly made an impression on the
mind of the commodore, and the more effectual as his former
prepossessions were built upon very slender foundations. His
antipathy to old maids, which he had conceived upon hearsay,
began gradually to diminish when he found they were not
quite such infernal animals as they had been presented; and
it was not long before he was heard to observe, at the club,
that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of b— in
her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the
medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs.
Grizzle, who, thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and
attention; so that, in less than three months after, he in
the same place distinguished her with the epithet of a d—d
sensible jade.
Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he
feared foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his
commander, with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring
him to under her stern; and he did not doubt but that such
an old crazy vessel would be the better for being taken in
tow. "But howsomever," added this arch adviser, "I'd have
you take care of your upper-works; for if once you are made
fast to her poop, egad! She'll spank it away, and make every
beam in your body crack with straining."
Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been
ruined by the effect which this malicious hint had upon
Trunnion, whose rage and suspicion being wakened at once,
his colour changed from tawny to a cadaverous pale, and then
shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as we sometimes
observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he,
after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in
these words:—"D— you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give
all the stowage in your hold to be as sound as I am; and as
for being taken in tow, d'ye see, I'm not so disabled that I
can lie my course, and perform my voyage without assistance;
and, egad! no man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging
astern, in the wake of e'er a b— in Christendom."
Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother
with regard to the subject of his night's conversation with
his friends, soon received the unwelcome news of the
commodore's aversion to matrimony; and justly imputing the
greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuations
of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her
success, and actually found means to interest him in her
scheme. She had indeed, on some occasions, a particular
knack at making converts, being probably not unacquainted
with that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the
greatest personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much
more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or
Demosthenes, even when supported by the demonstrations of
truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity to his new ally was
confirmed by his foreseeing, in his captain's marriage, an
infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical
disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly
cautioned, he for the future suppressed all the virulence of
his wit against the matrimonial state; and as he knew not
how to open his mouth in the positive praise of any person
whatever, took all opportunities of excepting Mrs. Grizzle,
by name, from the censures he liberally bestowed upon the
rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like Nan Castick,
of Deptford," he would say; "not a nincompoop, like Peg
Simper, of Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of
Chatham; nor a shrew, like Nell Griffin, on the Point,
Portsmouth" (ladies to whom, at different times, they had
both paid their addresses); "but a tight, good-humoured,
sensible wench, who knows very well how to box her compass;
well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed alow, with a good
cargo under her hatches." The commodore at first imagined
this commendation was ironical; but, hearing it repeated
again and again, was filled with astonishment at this
surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour; and, after
a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himself
harboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs.
Grizzle.
Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his
turn, and one night toasted her health as a compliment to
his passion—a circumstance which the lady learned next day
by the usual canal of her intelligence; and interpreting as
the result of his own tenderness for her, she congratulated
herself on the victory she had obtained; and thinking it
unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto
industriously affected, resolved from that day to sweeten
her behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection as
could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with
a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this determination, he
was invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated with such
cloying proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the
company, but even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking
the alarm accordingly, could not help exclaiming, "Oho! I
see how the land lies, and if I don't weather the point,
I'll be d—d." Having thus expressed himself to his afflicted
inamorata, he made the best of his way to the garrison, in
which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and had
no communication with his friends and domestics but by
looks, which were most significantly picturesque.
CHAPTER VII.
Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order
to overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is
teased and tortured into the Noose of Wedlock.
This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected
Mrs. Grizzle so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and
mortification; and after having confined herself to her bed
for three days, sent for her brother, told him she perceived
her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might be
brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle,
surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a
comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not at all
dangerous, and that he would instantly send for a physician,
who would convince her that she was in no manner of
jeopardy; so that there was no occasion at present to employ
any officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed,
this affectionate brother was of opinion that a will was
altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself was
heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and personal estate.
But she insisted on his compliance with such determined
obstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities;
and, a arriving, she dictated and executed her will, in
which she bequeathed to Commodore Trunnion one thousand
pounds, to purchase a mourning ring, which she hoped he
would wear as a pledge of her friendship and affection. Her
brother, though he did not much relish this testimony of her
love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this
particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle
assured him, generously remembered by the testatrix.
The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence,
watched for an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the
commodore's features a little unbended from that ferocious
contraction they had retained so long, ventured to inform
him that Pickle's sister lay at the point of death, and that
she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This piece
of news overwhelmed him with confusion; and Mr. Hatchway,
imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage
of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and
visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him.
But his admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable.
Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her
disorder, than his morosity recurring, he burst out into a
violent fit of cursing, and forthwith betook himself again
to his hammock, where he lay, uttering, in a low growling
tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations, for
the space of four-and-twenty hours, without ceasing. This
was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to
enhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same
the conduce to the success of the cause he had espoused,
invented a stratagem, the execution of which had all the
effect he could desire. He prevailed on Pipes, who was
devoted to his service, to get on the top of the chimney,
belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and lower
down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being
performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and
hallooed down the vent, in a voice like thunder, "Trunnion!
Trunnion! turn out and be spliced, or he still and be d—."
This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by
the silence and darkness of the night, as well as the cello
of the passage through which it was conveyed, no sooner
reached the ears of the astonished commodore, than turning
his eyes towards the place from whence this solemn address
seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that
vanished in an instant. Just as his superstitious fear had
improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger
clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a
sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was
no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney
by the boatswain's mate, according to the instructions he
had received; and he had time enough to descend before he
was in any danger of being detected by his commodore, who
could not for an hour recollect himself from the amazement
and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.
At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with
great agitation. He repeated the summons more than once; but
no regard being paid to this alarm, his dread returned with
double terror, a cold sweat bedewed his limbs, his knees
knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains of
his teeth were shattered in pieces in the convulsive
vibrations of his jaws.
In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort,
and, bursting open the door of apartment, bolted into
Hatchway's chamber, which happened to be on the same floor.
There he found the lieutenant in a counterfeit swoon, who
pretended to wake from his trance in an ejaculation of "Lord
have mercy upon us!" and being questioned by the terrified
commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he
had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which
Trunnion himself had been discomposed.
Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving
evidence to the same purpose; and the commodore not only
owned that he had heard the voice, but likewise communicated
his vision, with all the aggravation which his disturbed
fancy suggested.
A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway
gravely observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly
perceivable in those signals, and that it would be both
sinful and foolish to disregard its commands, especially as
the match proposed was, in all respects, more advantageous
than any that one of his years could reasonably expect;
declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his
soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof
with a man who despised the will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes
adhered to the same pious resolution.
Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and
diversity of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved
in silence all the opposite motives that occurred to his
reflection; and after having been, to all appearance,
bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he wiped
the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving a piteous groan,
yielded to their remonstrances in these words: "Well, since
it must be so, I think we must ev'n grapple. But d— my eyes!
'tis a d—d hard case that a fellow of my years should be
compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of
my life against the current of my own inclination."
This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set
out in the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and
was handsomely rewarded for the enlivening tidings with
which he blessed her ears. Sick as she was, she could not
help laughing heartily at the contrivance, in consequence of
which her swain's assent had been obtained, and gave the
lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of
the part he acted in the farce.
In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be
conveyed to her apartment, like a felon to execution, and
was received by her in a languishing manner, and genteel
dishabille, accompanied by her sister-in-law, who was, for
very obvious reasons, extremely solicitous about her
success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his
behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand wry faces
before he could pronounce the simple salutation of "How
d'ye?" to his mistress; and after his counsellor had urged
him with twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had
replied aloud, "D— your eyes, I won't," he got up, and
halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in
a state of strange expectation, he seized her hand and
pressed it to his lips; but this piece of gallantry he
performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant manner,
that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the
compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so
disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired
to the other end of the room, where he sat silent, and
broiled with shame and vexation.
Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place,
on pretence of going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway,
taking the hint, recollected that he had left his
tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither he descended, leaving
the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had the
commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma
before. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every
moment dreaded the dissolution of nature; and the imploring
sighs of his future bride added, if possible, to the pangs
of his distress. Impatient of this situation, he rolled his
eye around in quest of some relief, and, unable to contain
himself, exclaimed, "D—n seize the fellow and his pouch too!
I believe he has sheered off, and left me here in the
stays."
Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of
this manifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in
being so disagreeable to him, that he could not put up with
her company for a few moments without repining; and began in
very tender terms to reproach him with his inhumanity and
indifference. To this expostulation he replied, "Zounds!
what would the woman have? Let the parson do his office when
he wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial
block, d'ye see, and d— all nonsensical palaver." So saying,
he retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at
his plain dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage
was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and
the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties,
without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion
expressly excluded from all share in the business; making
that condition the indispensable preliminary of the whole
agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs.
Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health, which, by the
bye, was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as if by
enchantment; and, a day being fixed for the nuptials,
employed the short period of her celibacy in choosing
ornaments for the celebration of her entrance into the
married state.
CHAPTER VIII.
Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is
delayed by an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows
whither.
The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all
over the county; and, on the day appointed for their
spousals, the church was surrounded by an inconceivable
multitude. The commodore, to give a specimen of his
gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, resolved to
appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of
all his male attendants, whom he had rigged with the white
shirts and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's
crew; and he bought a couple of hunters for the
accommodation of himself and his lieutenant. With this
equipage, then, he set out from the garrison for the church,
after having despatched a messenger to apprise the bride
that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately
into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and
drove directly to the place of assignation, where several
pews were demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to
death, by the eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see
the ceremony performed. Thus arrived at the altar, and the
priest in attendance, they waited a whole half-hour for the
commodore, at whose slowness they began to be under some
apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken
his pace. The valet having ridden something more than a
mile, espied the whole troop disposed in a long field,
crossing the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom
and his friend Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a
hedge from proceeding farther in the same direction, fired a
pistol, and stood over to the other side, making an obtuse
angle with the line of his former course; and the rest of
the squadron followed his example, keeping always in the
rear of each other, like a flight of wild geese.
Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the
messenger came up, and told the commodore that his lady and
her company expected him in the church, where they had
tarried a considerable time, and were beginning to be very
uneasy at his delay, and therefore desired he would proceed
with more expedition. To this message Mr. Trunnion replied,
"Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all possible speed?
go back, and tell those who sent you, that the wind has
shifted since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged to
make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the
narrowness of the channel; and that as we be within six
points of the wind, they must make some allowance for
variation and leeway."—"Lord, sir!" said the valet, "what
occasion have you to go zig-zag in that manner? Do but clap
spurs to your horses, and ride straight forward, and I'll
engage yea shall be at the church-porch in less than a
quarter of an hour."-"What? right in the wind's eye?"
answered the commodore; "ahey! brother, where did you learn
your navigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this
time of day how to lie his course, or keep his own
reckoning. And as for you, brother, you best know the trim
of your own frigate."
The courier, finding he had to do with people who would
not be easily persuaded out of their own opinions, returned
to the temple, and made a report of what he had seen and
heard, to the no small consolation of the bride, who had
begun to discover some signs of disquiet. Composed, however,
by this piece of intelligence, she exerted her patience for
the space of another half-hour, during which period, seeing
no bridegroom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed; so that
all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation,
which manifested itself in frequent palpitations,
heart-heavings, and alterations of countenance, in spite of
the assistance of a smelling-bottle which she incessantly
applied to her nostrils.
Various were the conjectures of the company on this
occasion: some imagined he had mistaken the place of
rendezvous, as he had never been at church since he first
settled in that parish; others believed he had met with some
accident, in consequence of which his attendants had carried
him back to his own house; and a third set, in which the
bride herself was thought to be comprehended, could not help
suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind. But all
these suppositions, ingenious as they were, happened to be
wide of the true cause that detained him, which was no other
than this: the commodore and his crew had, by dint of
turning, almost weathered the parson's house that stood to
windward of the church, when the notes of a pack of hounds
unluckily reached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion
and the lieutenant bestrode. These fleet animals no sooner
heard the enlivening sound, than, eager for the chase, they
sprang away all of a sudden, and strained every nerve to
partake of the sport, flew across the fields with incredible
speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything in
their way, without the least regard to their unfortunate
riders. The lieutenant, whose steed had got the heels of the
other, finding it would be great folly and presumption in
him to pretend to keep the saddle with his wooden leg, very
wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself off in his
passage through a field of rich clover, among which he lay
at his ease; and seeing his captain advancing, at full
gallop, hailed him with the salutation of "What cheer? Ho!"
The commodore, who was in infinite distress, eyeing him
askance as he passed, replied, with a faltering voice, "O,
d— ye!—you are safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were as
fast moored."
Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would
not venture to try the experiment which had succeeded so
well with Hatchway but resolved to stick as close as
possible to his horse's back, until Providence should
interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped his whip,
and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel,
contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in
the seat, and grinning most formidably in consequence of
this exertion. In this attitude he was hurried on a
considerable way, when all of a sudden his view was
comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared before him, as he
never doubted that there the career of his hunter must
necessarily end. But, alas! he reckoned without his host.
Far from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprang over
it with amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder
of his owner, who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and
now began to think, in good earnest, that he was actually
mounted on the back of the devil. He recommended himself to
God; his reflections forsook him; his eyesight and all his
other senses failed; he quitted the reins, and fastening by
instinct on the mane, was in this condition conveyed into
the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at the sight
of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be
wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented
itself to their view. The commodore's person was at all
times an object of admiration; much more so on this
occasion, when every singularity was aggravated by the
circumstances of his dress and disaster.
He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat
of blue broad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and
trimmed with five dozen of brass buttons large and small;
his breeches were of the same piece, fastened at the knees
with large bunches of tape; his waistcoat was of red plush
lappelled with green velvet, and garnished with vellum
holes; his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in
colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets; his shoulder
was graced with a broad buff belt, from whence depended a
huge hanger with a hilt like that of a backsword; and on
each side of his pommel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a
case covered with a bearskin. The loss of his tie-periwig
and laced hat, which were curiosities of the kind, did not
at all contribute to the improvement of the picture, but, on
the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and the natural
extension of his lantern jaws, added to the peculiarity and
extravagance of the whole.
Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the
whole company from the chase had his horse thought proper to
pursue a different route; but the beast was too keen a
sporter to choose any other way than that which the stag
followed and therefore, without stopping to gratify the
curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes outstripped
every hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow betwixt
him and the hounds, rather than ride round, about the length
of a furlong, in a path that crossed the lane, he
transported himself at one jump, to the unspeakable
astonishment and terror of a waggoner who chanced to be
underneath, and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage.
This was not the only adventure he achieved. The stag,
having taken a deep river that lay in his way, every man
directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood; but
our bridegroom's courser, despising all such conveniences,
plunged into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a
twinkling to the opposite shore. This sudden immersion into
an element of which Trunnion was properly a native, in all
probability helped to recruit the exhausted spirits of his
rider, at his landing on the other side gave some tokens of
sensation, by hallooing aloud for assistance, which he could
not possibly receive, because his horse still maintained the
advantage he had gained, and would not allow himself to be
overtaken.
In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours,
and extended to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in
at the death of the deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's
gelding, which, actuated by the same spirit, had, without a
rider, followed his companion's example.
Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or,
in other words, at the end of his career, took the
opportunity of this first pause, to desire the huntsmen
would lend him a hand in dismounting; and by their
condescension, safely placed on the grass, where he sat
staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness
of astonishment in his looks, as if he had been a creature
of another species, dropped among them from the clouds.
Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he
recollected himself; and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a
small flask out of his pocket and apply it to his mouth,
judged the cordial to be no other than neat Cognac, which it
really was; and expressing a desire of participation, was
immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, which
perfectly completed his recovery.
By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the
attention of the whole crowd: while some admired the elegant
proportion and uncommon spirit of the two animals, the rest
contemplated the surprising appearance of their master, whom
before they had only seen en passant; and at length, one of
the gentlemen, accosting him very courteously, signified his
wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, and asked if he
had not dropped his companion by the way. "Why look ye,
brother," replied the commodore, "mayhap you think me an odd
sort of a fellow, seeing me in this trim, especially as I
have lost part of my rigging; but this here is the case,
d'ye see: I weighed anchor from my own house this morning,
at ten A.M. with fair weather, and a favourable breeze at
south-south-east, being bound to the next church on the
voyage of matrimony: but howsomever, we had not run down a
quarter of a league, when the wind shifting, blowed directly
in our teeth; so that we were forced to tack all the way,
d'ye see, and had almost been up within sight of the port,
when these sons-of-b—s of horses, which I had bought but two
days before (for my own part, I believe they are devils
incarnate), luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the
helm, drove away like lightning with me and my lieutenant,
who soon came to anchor in an exceeding good berth. As for
my own part, I have been carried over rocks, and quicksands;
among which I have pitched away a special good tie-periwig,
and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God! am got into
smooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my
carcass upon such a hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b— again, my
name is not Hawser Trunnion, d— my eyes!"
One of the company, struck with this name, which lie had
often heard, immediately laid hold on his declaration at the
close of this singular account, and, observing that his
horses were very vicious, asked how he intended to return.
"As for that matter," replied Mr. Trunnion, "I am resolved
to hire a sledge or waggon, or such a thing as a jackass;
for I'll be d—d if ever I cross the back of a horse
again."—"And what do you propose to do with these
creatures?" said the other, pointing to the hunters; "they
seem to have some mettle; but then they are mere colts, and
will take the devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this
hinder one is shoulder-slipped."—"D— them," cried the
commodore, "I wish both their necks were broke, thof the two
cost me forty good yellow-boys.".-"Forty guineas!" exclaimed
the stranger, who was a squire and a jockey, as well as
owner of the pack, "Lord! Lord! how a man may be imposed
upon! Why, these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plough;
mind what a flat counter; do but observe how sharp this here
one is in the withers; then he's fired in the further
fetlock." In short, this connoisseur in horse-flesh, having
discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be
found in this species of animal, offered to give him ten
guineas for the two, saying he would convert them into
beasts of burden. The owner, who, after what had happened,
was very well disposed to listen to anything that was said
to their prejudice, implicitly believed the truth of the
stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley of
oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith
struck a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for
his purchase; in consequence of which he won the plate at
the next Canterbury races.
This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction
of both parties, as well as to the general entertainment of
the company, who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity
of their friend, Trunnion was set upon the squire's own
horse, and led by his servant in the midst of this
cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring village, where
they had bespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom found
means to provide himself with another hat and wig. With
regard to his marriage, he bore his disappointment with the
temper of a philosopher; and the exercise he had undergone
having quickened his appetite, sat down at table in the
midst of his new acquaintance, making a very hearty meal,
and moistening every morsel with a draught of the ale, which
he found very much to his satisfaction.
CHAPTER IX.
He is found by Lieutenant—Reconducted to his own
House—Married to Mrs. Grizzle, who meets with a small
misfortune in the Night, and asserts her Prerogative next
Morning, in consequence of which her Husband's Eye is
endangered.
Meanwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the
church, where he informed the company of what had happened
to the commodore: and the bride behaved with great decency
on the occasion; for, as she understood the danger to which
her future husband was exposed, she fainted in the arms of
her sister-in-law, to the surprise of all the spectators,
who could not comprehend the cause of her disorder; and when
she was recovered by the application of smelling-bottles,
earnestly begged that Mr. Hatchway and Tom Pipes should take
her brother's coach, and go in quest of their commander.
This task they readily undertook, being escorted by all
the rest of his adherents on horseback; while the bride and
her friends were invited to the parson's horse, and the
ceremony deferred till another occasion.
The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of
direction in which Trunnion went off, as the coach-road
would permit, got intelligence of his track from one
farm-house to another; for such an apparition could not fail
of attracting particular notice; and one of the horsemen
having picked up his hat and wig in a by-path, the whole
troop entered the village where he was lodged, about four
o'clock in the afternoon. When they understood he was safely
housed at the George, they rode up to the door in a body,
and expressed their satisfaction in three cheers; which were
returned by the company within, as soon as they were
instructed in the nature of the salute by Trunnion, who, by
this time, had entered into all the jollity of his new
friends, and was indeed more than half-seas-over. The
lieutenant was introduced to all present as his sworn
brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom
Pipes and the crew were regaled in another room; and, a
fresh pair of horses being put to the coach, about six in
the evening the commodore, with all his attendants, departed
for the garrison, after having shook hands with every
individual in the house.
Without any further accident, he was conveyed in safety
to his own gate before nine, and committed to the care of
Pipes, who carried him instantly to his hammock, while the
lieutenant was driven away to the place where the bride and
her friends remained in great anxiety, which vanished when
he assured them that his commodore was safe, being succeeded
by abundance of mirth and pleasantry at the account he gave
of Trunnion's adventure.
Another day was fixed for the nuptials; and in order to
balk the curiosity of idle people, which had given great
offence, the parson was prevailed upon to perform the
ceremony in the garrison, which all that day was adorned
with flags and pendants displayed; and at night illuminated,
by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered the
patereroes to be fired, as soon as the marriage-knot was
tied. Neither were the other parts of the entertainment
neglected by this ingenious contriver, who produced
undeniable proofs of his elegance and art in the
wedding-supper, which had been committed to his management
and direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed of
sea-dishes; a huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece of
beef sliced, a couple of fowls, and half a peck of rice,
smoked in the middle of the board: a dish of hard fish,
swimming in oil, appeared at each end; the sides being
furnished with a mess of that savoury composition known by
the name of lub's-course, and a plate of salmagundy. The
second course displayed a goose of a monstrous magnitude,
flanked with two Guinea-hens, a pig barbacued, a hock of
salt pork, in the midst of a pease-pudding, a leg of mutton
roasted, with potatoes, and another boiled, with yams. The
third service was made up of a loin of fresh pork, with
apple-sauce, a kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin
baked in the shell; and last of all, a prodigious sea-pie
was presented, with an infinite volume of pancakes and
fritters. That everything might be answerable to the
magnificence of this delicate feast, he had provided vast
quantifies of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt brandy,
with plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies; and hired all
the fiddles within six miles, which, with the addition of a
drum, bagpipe, and Welsh harp, regaled the guests with a
most melodious concert.
The company, who were not at all exceptions, seemed
extremely well pleased with every particular of the
entertainment; and the evening being spent in the most
social manner, the bride was by her sister conducted to her
apartment, where, however, a trifling circumstance had like
to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto
maintained.
I have already observed, that there was not one standing
bed within the walls; therefore the reader will not wonder
that Mrs. Trunnion was out of humour, when she found herself
under the necessity of being confined with her spouse in a
hammock, which, though enlarged with a double portion of
canvas, and dilated with a yoke for the occasion, was at
best but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous situation. She
accordingly complained with some warmth of this
inconvenience, which she imputed to disrespect; and, at
first, absolutely refused to put up with the expedient; but
Mrs. Pickle soon brought her to reason and compliance, by
observing that one night will soon be elapsed, and next day
she might regulate her own economy.
Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was
visited by her husband in less than an hour, the company
being departed to their own homes, and the garrison left to
the command of his lieutenant and mate. But it seems the
hooks that supported this swinging couch were not calculated
for the addition of weight which they were now destined to
bear; and therefore gave way in the middle of the night, to
the no small terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who perceiving herself
falling, screamed aloud, and by that exclamation brought
Hatchway with a light into the chamber. Though she had
received no injury by the fall, she was extremely
discomposed and incensed at the accident, which she even
openly ascribed to the obstinacy and whimsical oddity of the
commodore, in such petulant terms as evidently declared that
she thought her great aim accomplished, and her authority
secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed her
bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit
resignation; for he made no reply to her insinuations, but
with a most vinegar aspect crawled out of his nest, and
betook himself to rest in another apartment; while his
irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and from the
wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself on
the floor, fully determined to provide better accommodation
for the next night's lodging.
Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts, during the
remaining part of the night, were engrossed by a scheme of
reformation she was resolved to execute in the family; and
no sooner did the first lark bid salutation to the morn,
than, starting from her humble couch, and huddling on her
clothes, she sallied from her chamber, explored her way
through paths before unknown, and in the course of her
researches perceived a large bell, to which she made such
effectual application as alarmed every soul in the family.
In a moment she was surrounded by Hatchway, Pipes, and all
the rest of the servants half-dressed; but seeing none of
the feminine gender appear, she began to storm at the sloth
and laziness of the maids, who, she observed, ought to have
been at work an hour at least before she called; and then,
for the first time, understood that no woman was permitted
to sleep within the walls.
She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation; and
being informed that the cook and chambermaid lodged in a
small office-house that stood without the gate, ordered the
drawbridge to be let down, and in person beat up their
quarters, commanding them forthwith to set about scouring
the rooms, which had not been hitherto kept in a very decent
condition, while two men were immediately employed to
transport the bed on which she used to lie from her
brother's house to her new habitation; so that, in less than
two hours, the whole economy of the garrison was turned
topsy-turvy, and everything involved in tumult and noise.
Trunnion, being disturbed and distracted with the uproar,
turned out in his shirt like a maniac, and, arming himself
with a cudgel of crab-tree, made an irruption into his
wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of carpenters
at work in joining a bedstead, he, with many dreadful oaths
and opprobrious invectives, ordered them to desist, swearing
he would suffer no bulkheads nor hurricane-houses to stand
where he was master: but finding his remonstrances
disregarded by these mechanics, who believed him to be some
madman belonging to the family, who had broken from his
confinement, he assaulted them both with great fury and
indignation, and was handled so roughly, in the encounter,
that in a very short time he measured his length on the
floor, in consequence of a blow that he received from a
hammer by which the sight of his remaining eye was
grievously endangered.
Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection, they
resolved to secure him with cords, and were actually busy in
adjusting his fetters, when he was exempted from the
disgrace by the accidental entrance of his spouse, who
rescued him from the hands of his adversaries, and, in the
midst of her condolence, imputed his misfortune to the
inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition.
He breathed nothing but revenge, and made some efforts to
chastise the insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they
understood his quality, asked forgiveness for what they had
done with great humility, protesting that they did not know
he was master of the house. But, far from being satisfied
with this apology, he groped about for the bell, the
inflammation of his eye having utterly deprived him of
sight; and the rope being, by the precaution of the
delinquents, conveyed out of his reach, began to storm with
incredible vociferation, like a lion roaring in the toil,
pouring forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and calling
by name Hatchway and Pipes, who, being within hearing,
obeyed the extraordinary summons, and were ordered to put
the carpenters in irons, for having audaciously assaulted
him in his own house.
His myrmidons, seeing he had been evil-treated, were
exasperated at the insult he had suffered, which they
considered as an affront upon the dignity of the garrison;
the more so as the mutineers seemed to put themselves in a
posture of defence and set their authority at defiance; they
therefore unsheathed their cutlasses, which they commonly
wore as badges of their commission; and a desperate
engagement in all probability would have ensued, had not the
lady of the castle interposed, and prevented the effects of
their animosity, by assuring the lieutenant that the
commodore had been the aggressor, and that the workmen,
finding themselves attacked in such an extraordinary manner,
by a person whom they did not know, were obliged to act in
their own defence, by which he had received that unlucky
contusion.
Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs.
Trunnion, than, sheathing his indignation, he told the
commodore he should always be ready to execute his lawful
commands; but that he could not in conscience be concerned
in oppressing poor people who had been guilty of no offence.
This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviour
of his wife, who in his hearing desired the carpenters to
resume their work, filled the breast of Trunnion with rage
and mortification. He pulled off his woollen night-cap,
pummeled his bare pate, beat the floor alternately with his
feet, swore his people had betrayed him, and cursed himself
to the lowest pit of hell for having admitted such a
cockatrice into his family. But all these exclamations did
not avail; they were among the last essays of his resistance
to the will of his wife, whose influence among his adherents
had already swallowed up his own, and peremptorily told him
that he must leave the management of everything within-doors
to her, who understood best what was for his honour and
advantage. She then ordered a poultice to be prepared for
his eye, which being applied, he was committed to the care
of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house like a blind
bear growling for prey, while his industrious yoke-fellow
executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected;
so that when he recovered his vision he was an utter
stranger in his own house.
CHAPTER X.
The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has
recourse to Artifice in the Establishment of her Throne—She
exhibits Symptoms of Pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of
Trunnion, who, nevertheless, is balked in his expectation.
These innovations were not effected without many loud
objections on his part; and divers curious dialogues passed
between him and his yoke-fellow, who always came off
victorious from the dispute; insomuch, that his countenance
gradually fell: he began to suppress, and at length entirely
devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior authority
were plainly perceivable in his features; and in less than
three months he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that
his obstinacy was extinguished, though overcome. In some
things he was as inflexible and mulish as ever; but then he
durst not kick so openly, and was reduced to the necessity
of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for
example, proposed that a coach and six should be purchased,
as she could not ride on horseback, and the chaise was a
scandalous carriage for a person of her condition. The
commodore, conscious of his own inferior capacity in point
of reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the proposal
but lent a deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though
they were enforced with every argument which she thought
could soothe, terrify, shame or decoy him into compliance.
In vain did she urge the excess of affection she had for him
as meriting some return of tenderness and condescension: he
was even proof against certain menacing hints she gave
touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stood
out against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace
like a bulwark of brass. Neither was he moved to any
indecent or unkind expressions of contradiction, even when
she upbraided him with his sordid disposition, and put him
in mind of the fortune and honour he had acquired by his
marriage, but seemed to retire within himself, like a
tortoise when attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and
silently endured the scourge of her reproaches, without
seeming sensible of the smart.
This, however, was the only point in which she had been
baffled since her nuptials; and as she could by no means
digest the miscarriage, she tortured her invention for some
new plan by which she might augment her influence and
authority. What her genius refused was supplied by accident;
for she had not lived four months in the garrison, when she
was seized with frequent qualms and retchings; in a word,
she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own
fertility; and the commodore was transported with joy at the
prospect of an heir of his own begetting.
She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her
own sovereignty, and accordingly employed the means which
nature had put in her power. There was not a rare piece of
furniture or apparel for which she did not long; and one
day, as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipage
arrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity
had never been so perfectly gratified as with this promised
harvest of his own sowing, took the alarm immediately; and
in order to prevent relapses of that kind, which might be
attended with fatal consequence to his hope, gave her leave
to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own liking.
Thus authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a
specimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded
speculation to the whole country, and made Trunnion's heart
quake within him; because he foresaw no limits to her
extravagance which also manifested itself in the most
expensive preparations for her lying-in.
Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative
of her father's house, seemed now to lose all that
hereditary respect, and prompt her to outshine and
undervalue the elder branch of her family. She behaved to
Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied a
conscious superiority; and an emulation in point of grandeur
immediately commenced between the two sisters. She every day
communicated her importance to the whole parish, under
pretence of taking the air in her coach, and endeavoured to
extend her acquaintance among people of fashion. Nor was
this an undertaking attended with great difficulty, for all
persons whatever capable of maintaining a certain
appearance, will always find admission into what is called
the best company, and be rated in point of character
according to their own valuation, without subjecting their
pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. In all her
visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring
her present condition, observing that she was forbid by her
physicians to taste such a pickle, and that such a dish was
poison to a woman in her way; nay, where she was on a
footing of familiarity, she affected to make wry faces, and
complained that the young rogue began to be very unruly,
writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had been
grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion.
The husband himself did not behave with all the moderation
that might have been expected. At the club he frequently
mentioned this circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty
successful feat to be performed by an old fellow of
fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by
redoubled squeezes of the landlord's hand, which never
failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might.
When his companions drank to the Hans en kelder, or Jack in
the low cellar, he could not help displaying an
extraordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his
intention of sending the young dog to sea as soon as he
should be able to carry a cartridge, in hopes of seeing him
an officer before his own death.
This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary
expense to which he was exposed by the profusion of his
wife, especially when he considered that his compliance with
her prodigality would be limited to the expiration of the
nine months, of which the best part was by this time
elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical
resignation, her fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous
and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity, that his
temper forsook him, and he could not help wishing in secret
that her pride might be confounded in the dissipation of her
most flattering hopes, even though he himself should be a
principal sufferer by the disappointment. These, however,
were no other than the suggestions of temporary disgusts,
that commonly subsided as suddenly as they arose, and never
gave the least disturbance to the person who inspired them,
because he took care to conceal them carefully from her
knowledge.
Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the
promise of a favourable issue: the term of her computation
expired, and in the middle of the night she was visited by
certain warnings that seemed to bespeak the approach of the
critical moment. The commodore got up with great alacrity,
and called the midwife, who had been several days in the
house; the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most
interesting expectations prevailed; but the symptoms of
labour gradually vanished, and as the matrons sagely
observed, this was no more than a false alarm.
Two nights after they received a second intimation, and
as she was sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was
supposed to be in a fair way; yet this visitation was not
more conclusive than the former; her pains wore off in spite
of all her endeavours to encourage them, and the good women
betook themselves to their respective homes, in expectation
of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to the
well-known maxim, that "number three is always fortunate."
For once, however, this apophthegm failed; the next call was
altogether as ineffectual as the former; and moreover,
attended with a phenomenon which to them was equally strange
and inexplicable: this was no other than such a reduction in
the size of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been expected after
the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such an
unaccountable event, they sat in close divan; and concluding
that the case was in all respects unnatural and prodigious,
desired that a messenger might be immediately despatched for
some male practitioner in the art of midwifery.
The commodore, without guessing the cause of her
perplexity, ordered Pipes immediately on this piece of duty,
and in less than two hours they were assisted by the advice
of a surgeon of the neighbourhood, who boldly affirmed that
the patient had never been with child. This asseveration was
like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who had been, during
eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation of
being hailed with the appellation of father.
After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an
ignorant fellow, and that he would not take his word for
what he advanced, being comforted and confirmed in his want
of faith by the insinuations of the midwife, who still
persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with hopes of a speedy and
safe delivery; observing that she had been concerned in many
a case of the same nature, where a fine child was found,
even after all signs of the mother's pregnancy had
disappeared. Every twig of hope, how slender soever it may
be, is eagerly caught hold on by people who find themselves
in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposed
by her to the lady, with the preambles of "Han't you?" or
"Don't you?" answer was made in the affirmative, whether
agreeable to truth or not, because the respondent could not
find in her heart to disown any symptom that might favour
the notion she had so long indulged.
This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was
therefore kept in close attendance for the space of three
weeks, during which the patient had several returns of what
she pleased herself with believing to be labour pains, till
at length, she and her husband became the standing joke of
the parish; and this infatuated couple could scarce be
prevailed upon to part with their hope, even when she
appeared as lank as a greyhound, and they were furnished
with other unquestionable proofs of their having been
deceived. But they could not for ever remain under the
influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away,
and was succeeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion, that
kept the husband within-doors for the space of a whole
fortnight, and confined his lady to her bed for a series of
weeks, during which she suffered all the anguish of the most
intense mortification; yet even this was subdued by the
lenient hand of time.
The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the
strict discharge of what are called the duties of religion,
which she performed with the most rancorous severity,
setting on foot a persecution in her own family, that made
the house too hot for all the menial servants, even ruffled
the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, harassed
the commodore himself out of all patience, and spared no
individual but Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured
to disoblige.
CHAPTER XI.
Mrs. Trunnion erects a Tyranny in the Garrison, while her
Husband conceives an affection for his Nephew Perry, who
manifests a peculiarity of disposition even in his tender
years.
Having exercised herself three months in such pious
amusements, she appeared again in the world; but her
misfortune had made such an impression on her mind, that she
could not bear the sight of a child, and trembled whenever
conversation happened to turn upon a christening. Her
temper, which was naturally none of the sweetest, seemed to
have imbibed a double proportion of souring from her
disappointment; of consequence, her company was not much
coveted, and she found very few people disposed to treat her
with those marks of consideration which she looked upon as
her due. This neglect detached her from the society of an
unmannerly world; she concentrated the energy of all her
talents in the government of her own house, which groaned
accordingly under her arbitrary sway; and in the
brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all the affliction
she had undergone.
As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his
disgrace, after having sustained many severe jokes from the
lieutenant, and now his chief aim being to be absent from
his own house as much as possible, he frequented the
public-house more than ever, more assiduously cultivated the
friendship of his brother-in-law, Mr. Pickle, and in the
course of their intimacy conceived an affection for his
nephew Perry, which did not end but with his life. Indeed it
must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in
the social passions of the soul, which though they were
strangely warped, disguised, and overborne by the
circumstance of his boisterous life and education, did not
fail to manifest themselves occasionally through the whole
course of his behaviour.
As all the hopes of propagating his own name had
perished, and his relations lay under the interdiction of
his hate, it is no wonder that through the familiarity and
friendly intercourse subsisting between him and Mr.
Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy, who by this
time entered the third year of his age, and was indeed a
very handsome, healthy, and promising child; and what seemed
to ingratiate him still more with his uncle, was a certain
oddity of disposition, for which he had been remarkable even
from his cradle. It is reported of him, that before the
first year of his infancy was elapsed, he used very often,
immediately after being dressed, in the midst of the
caresses which were bestowed upon him by his mother, while
she indulged herself in the contemplation of her own
happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of
shrieks and cries, which continued with great violence till
he was stripped to the skin with the utmost expedition by
order of his affrighted parent, who thought his tender body
was tortured by the misapplication of some unlucky pill; and
when he had given them all this disturbance and unnecessary
trouble, he would he sprawling and laughing in their faces,
as if he ridiculed the impertinence of their concern. Nay,
it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman who attended
in the nursery had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial
waters to her mouth, he pulled his nurse by the sleeve, by a
slight glance detected the theft, and tipped her the wink
with a particular slyness of countenance, as if he had said,
with a sneer, "Ay, ay, that is what you must all come to."
But these instances of reflection in a babe nine months old
are so incredible, that I look upon them as observations,
founded upon imaginary recollection, when he was in a more
advanced age, and his peculiarities of temper became much
more remarkable; of a piece with the ingenious discoveries
of those sagacious observers, who can discern something
evidently characteristic in the features of any noted
personage whose character they have previously heard
explained. Yet without pretending to specify at what period
of his childhood this singularity first appeared, I can with
great truth declare, that when he first attracted the notice
and affection of his uncle, it was plainly perceivable.
One would imagine he had marked out the commodore as a
proper object of ridicule, for almost all his little
childish satire was leveled against him. I will not deny
that he might have been influenced in this particular by the
example and instruction of Mr. Hatchway, who delighted in
superintending the first essays of his genius. As the gout
had taken up its residence in Mr. Trunnion's great toe, from
whence it never removed, no not for a day, little Perry took
great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm
member; and when his uncle, incensed by the pain, used to
damn him for a hell-begotten brat, he would appease him in a
twinkling, by returning the curse with equal emphasis, and
asking what was the matter with old Hannibal Tough? an
appellation by which the lieutenant had taught him to
distinguish this grim commander.
Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the
patience of the commodore, with whose nose he used to take
indecent freedoms, even. while he was fondled on his knee.
In one month he put him to the expense of two guineas in
seal-skin; by picking his pocket of divers tobacco-pouches,
all of which he in secret committed to the flames. Nor did
the caprice of his disposition abstain from the favourite
beverage of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole
draught in which his brother's snuff-box had been emptied,
before he perceived the disagreeable infusion; and one day,
when the commodore had chastised him by a gentle tap with
his cane, he fell flat on the floor as if he had been
deprived of all sense and motion, to the terror and
amazement of the striker; and after having filled the whole
house with confusion and dismay, opened his eyes, and
laughed heartily at the success of his own imposition.
It would be an endless and perhaps no very agreeable
task, to enumerate all the unlucky pranks he played upon his
uncle and others, before he attained the fourth year of his
age; about which time he was sent, with an attendant, to a
day-school in the neighbourhood, that (to use his good
mother's own expression) he might be out of harm's way.
Here, however, he made little progress, except in mischief,
which he practised with impunity, because the
school-mistress would run no risk of disobliging a lady of
fortune, by exercising unnecessary severities upon her only
child. Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle was not so blindly partial
as to be pleased with such unseasonable indulgence. Perry
was taken out of the hands of this courteous teacher, and
committed to the instruction of a pedagogue, who was ordered
to administer such correction as the boy should in his
opinion deserve. This authority he did not neglect to use,
his pupil was regularly flogged twice a day; and after
having been subjected to this course of discipline for the
space of eighteen months, declared the most obstinate, dull,
and untoward genius that ever had fallen under his
cultivation; instead of being reformed, he seemed rather
hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations, and was
dead to all sense of fear as well as shame.
His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of
stupidity, which she considered as an inheritance derived
from the spirit of his father, and consequently
insurmountable by all the efforts of human care. But the
commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his nature, and
was particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he found that
Perry had beaten all the boys in the school; a circumstance
from which he prognosticated everything that was fair and
fortunate in his future fate: observing, that at his age he
himself was just such another. The boy, who was now turned
of six, having profited so little under the birch of his
unsparing governor, Mrs. Pickle was counselled to send him
to a boarding-school not far from London, which was kept by
a certain person very eminent for his successful method of
education. This advice she the more readily embraced,
because at that time she found herself pretty far gone with
another child that she hoped would console her for the
disappointment she had met with in the unpromising talents
of Perry, or at any rate divide her concern, so as to enable
her to endure the absence of either.
CHAPTER XII.
Peregrine is sent to a boarding-school—Becomes remarkable
for his Genius and Ambition.
The commodore, understanding her determination, to which
her husband did not venture to make the least objection,
interested himself so much in behalf of his favourite, as to
fit him out at his own charge, and accompany him in person
to the place of his destination; where he defrayed the
expense of his entrance, and left him to the particular care
and inspection of the usher, who having been recommended to
him as a person of parts and integrity, received per advance
a handsome consideration for the task he undertook.
Nothing could be better judged than this piece of
liberality; the assistant was actually a man of learning,
probity, and good sense; and though obliged by the
scandalous administration of fortune to act in the character
of an inferior teacher, had, by his sole capacity and
application, brought the school to that degree of
reputation, which it never could have obtained from the
talents of its superior. He had established an economy,
which, though regular, was not at all severe, by enacting a
body of laws suited to the age and comprehension of every
individual; and each transgressor was fairly tried by his
peers, and punished according to the verdict of the jury. No
boy was scourged for want of apprehension, but a spirit of
emulation was raised by well-timed praise and artful
comparison, and maintained by a distribution of small
prizes, which were adjudged to those who signalized
themselves either by their industry, sobriety, or genius.
This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry,
according to his constant maxim, by examining the soil; that
is, studying his temper, in order to consult the bias of his
disposition, which was strangely perverted by the absurd
discipline he had undergone. He found him in a state of
sullen insensibility, which the child had gradually
contracted in a long course of stupefying correction; and at
first he was not in the least actuated by that commendation
which animated the rest of his school-fellows; nor was it in
the power of reproach to excite his ambition, which had been
buried, as it were, in the grave of disgrace; the usher,
therefore, had recourse to contemptuous neglect, with which
he affected to treat this stubborn spirit; foreseeing that
if he retained any seeds of sentiment, this weather would
infallibly raise them into vegetation; his judgment was
justified by the event; the boy in a little time began to
make observations; he perceived the marks of distinction
with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the
despicable figure he himself made among his companions, who,
far from courting, rather shunned his conversation, and
actually pined at his own want of importance.
Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification, which
he suffered to proceed as far as possible, without
endangering his health. The child lost all relish for
diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive, solitary, and was
frequently found weeping by himself. These symptoms plainly
evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his governor
thought it now high time to make application; and therefore
by little and little altered his behaviour from the
indifference he had put on, to the appearance of more regard
and attention. This produced a favourable change in the boy,
whose eyes sparkled with satisfaction one day, when his
master expressed himself, with a show of surprise, in these
words: "So, Perry! I find you don't want genius, when you
think proper to use it." Such encomiums kindled the spirit
of emulation in his little breast; he exerted himself with
surprising alacrity, by which he soon acquitted himself of
the imputation of dullness, and obtained sundry honorary
silver pennies, as acknowledgments of his application; his
school-fellows now solicited his friendship as eagerly as
they had avoided it before; and in less than a twelvemonth
after his arrival, this supposed dunce was remarkable for
the brightness of his parts; having in that short period
learnt to read English perfectly well, made great progress
in writing, enabled himself to speak the French language
without hesitation, and acquired some knowledge in the
rudiments of the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to
transmit an account of his proficiency to the commodore, who
received it with transport, and forthwith communicated the
happy tidings to the parents.
Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to violent
emotions, heard them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction,
that scarce manifested itself either in his countenance or
expressions; nor did the child's mother break forth into
that rapture and admiration which might have been expected,
when she understood how much the talents of her first-born
had exceeded the hope of her warmest imagination. Not but
that she professed herself well pleased with Perry's
reputation; though she observed that in these commendations
the truth was always exaggerated by schoolmasters, for their
own interest; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not
mingled more probability with his praise. Trunnion was
offended at her indifference and want of faith and believing
that she refined too much in her discernment, swore that
Jennings had declared the truth, and nothing but the truth;
for he himself had prophesied, from the beginning, that the
boy would turn out a credit to his family. But by this time
Mrs. Pickle was blessed with a daughter, whom she had
brought into the world about six months before the
intelligence arrived; so that her care and affection being
otherwise engrossed, the praise of Perry was the less
greedily devoured. The abatement of her fondness was an
advantage to his education, which would have been retarded,
and perhaps ruined, by pernicious indulgence, and
preposterous interposition, had her love considered him as
an only child; whereas her concern being now diverted to
another object, that shared, at least, one-half of her
affection, he was left to the management of his preceptor,
who tutored him according to his own plan, without any let
or interruption. Indeed all his sagacity and circumspection
were but barely sufficient to keep the young gentleman in
order; for now that he had won the palm of victory from his
rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and he
was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole school by
the valour of his arm. Before he could bring his project to
bear, innumerable battles were fought with various success;
every day a bloody nose and complaint were presented against
him, and his own visage commonly bore some livid marks of
obstinate contention. At length, however, he accomplished
his aim; his adversaries were subdued, his prowess
acknowledged, and he obtained the laurel in war as well is
in wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated with success:
his pride rose in proportion to his power and, in spite of
all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method
he could invent for curbing his licentious conduct, without
depressing his spirit, he contracted a large proportion of
insolence, which series of misfortunes that happened to him
in the sequel could scarce effectually tame. Nevertheless
there was a fund of good nature and generosity in his
composition; and though he established a tyranny among his
comrades, the tranquility of his reign was maintained by the
love rather than by the fear of his subjects.
In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire he never
once violated that respectful awe with which the usher had
found means to inspire him; but he by no means preserved the
same regard for the principal master, an old illiterate
German quack, who had formerly practised corn-cutting among
the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the ladies,
together with teeth-powders, hair-dyeing liquors, prolific
elixirs, and tinctures to sweeten the breath. These
nostrums, recommended by the art of cringing, in which he
was consummate, ingratiated him so much with people of
fashion, that he was enabled to set up school with
five-and-twenty boys of the best families, whom he boarded
on his own terms and undertook to instruct in the French and
Latin languages, so as to qualify them for the colleges of
Westminster and Eton. While this plan was in its infancy, he
was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who, for the
paltry consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his
necessities compelled him to accept, took the whole trouble
of educating the children upon himself, contrived an
excellent system for that purpose, and, by his assiduity and
knowledge, executed all the particulars to the entire
satisfaction of those concerned, who, by the bye, never
inquired into his qualifications, but suffered the other to
enjoy the fruits of his labour and ingenuity.
Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance, and
vanity, this superior had certain ridiculous peculiarities
in his person, such as a hunch upon his back, and distorted
limbs, that seemed to attract the satirical notice of
Peregrine, who, young as he was, took offence at his want of
reverence for his usher, over whom he sometimes chose
opportunities of displaying his authority, that the boys
might not misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick,
therefore, such as I have described him, incurred the
contempt and displeasure of this enterprising pupil, who now
being in the tenth year of his age, had capacity enough to
give him abundance of vexation. He underwent many mortifying
jokes front the invention of Pickle and his confederates; so
that he began to entertain suspicion of Mr. Jennings, who he
could not help thinking had been at the bottom of them all,
and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school, with
a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this
chimera, which was void of all foundation, the German
descended so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from
whom he hoped to draw some very important discovery; but he
was disappointed in his expectations; and this mean practice
reaching the ears of his usher, he voluntarily resigned his
employment. Finding interest to obtain holy orders in a
little time after, he left the kingdom, hoping to find a
settlement in some of our American plantations.
The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution
in the affairs of Keypstick, which declined from that
moment, because he had neither authority to enforce
obedience, nor prudence to maintain order among his
scholars: so that the school degenerated into anarchy and
confusion, and he himself dwindled in the opinion of his
employers, who looked upon him as superannuated, and
withdrew their children front his tuition.
Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society, and
finding himself every day deprived of some companion, began
to repine at his situation, and resolved, if possible, to
procure his release from the jurisdiction of the person whom
he both detested and despised. With this view he went to
work, and composed the following billet, addressed to the
commodore, which was the first specimen of his composition
in the epistolary way:—
"Honoured and Loving Uncle,—Hoping you are in good
health,
this serves to inform you, that Mr. Jennings is gone, and
Mr. Keypstick will never meet with his fellow. The school
is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away;
and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also,
for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a
perfect
ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa, and is
more fit to be a scarecrow than a schoolmaster; hoping you
will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt, and my duty
to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours.
And
this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your
well-beloved
and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command
till death,
"Peregrine Pickle."
Trunnion was overjoyed at the receipt of this letter,
which he looked upon as one of the greatest efforts of human
genius, and as such communicated the contents to his lady,
whom he had disturbed for the purpose in the middle of her
devotion, by sending a message to her closet, whither it was
her custom very frequently to retire. She was out of humour
at being interrupted, and therefore did not peruse this
specimen of her nephew's understanding with all the relish
that the commodore himself had enjoyed; on the contrary,
after sundry paralytical endeavours to speak (for her tongue
sometimes refused its office), she observed that the boy was
a pert jackanapes, and deserved to be severely chastised for
treating his betters with such disrespect. Her husband
undertook his godson's defence, representing with great
warmth that he knew Keypstick to be a good-for-nothing
pimping old rascal, and that Perry showed a great deal of
spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under his
command; he therefore declared that the boy should not live
a week longer with such a shambling son of a b—, and
sanctioned this declaration with abundance of oaths.
Mrs. Trunnion, composing her countenance into a look of
religions demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of
talking; and asked, in a magisterial tone, if he intended
never to lay aside that brutal behaviour. Irritated at this
reproach, he answered, in terms of indignation, that he knew
how to behave himself as well as e'er a woman that wore a
head, bade her mind her affairs, and with another repetition
of oaths gave her to understand that he would be master in
his own house.
The insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction
upon a glass globe: her face gleamed with resentment, and
every pore seemed to emit particles of flame. She replied
with incredible fluency of the bitterest expressions: he
retorted equal rage in broken hints and incoherent
imprecations: she rejoined with redoubled fury; and in
conclusion he was fain to betake himself to flight,
ejaculating curses against her; and muttering something
concerning the brandy-bottle, which, however, he took care
should never reach her ears.
From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle,
to whom he imparted Peregrine's epistle, with many encomiums
upon the boy's promising parts: and, finding his
commendations but coolly received, desired she would permit
him to take his godson under his own care.
This lady, whose family was now increased by another son,
who seemed to engross her care for the present, had not seen
Perry during a course of four years, and, with regard to
him, was perfectly weaned of that infirmity known by the
name of maternal fondness: she therefore consented to the
commodore's request with great condescension, and a polite
compliment to him on the concern he had all along manifested
for the welfare of the child.
CHAPTER XIII.
The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own care—The Boy
arrives at the Garrison—Is strangely received by his own
Mother—Enters into a Confederacy with Hatchway and Pipes,
and executes a couple of waggish Enterprises upon his Aunt.
Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very
afternoon despatched the lieutenant in a post-chaise to
Keypstick's house, from whence in two days he returned with
our young hero, who being now in the eleventh year of his
age, had outgrown the expectation of all his family, and was
remarkable for the beauty and elegance of his person. His
godfather was transported at his arrival, as if he had been
actually the issue of his own loins: he shook him heartily
by the hand, turned him round and round, surveyed him from
top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice how handsomely he
was built; and squeezed his hand again, saying,—"D— ye, you
dog, I suppose you don't value such an old crazy son of a b—
as me a rope's end. You have forgot how I was wont to dandle
you on my knee, when you was a little urchin no bigger than
a davit, and played a thousand tricks upon me, burning my
'bacco-pouches and poisoning my rumbo. O! d— ye, you can
grin fast enough I see; I warrant you have learnt more
things than writing and the Latin lingo."
Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this
joyful occasion; and, coming up to Perry, thrust forth his
fore paw, and accosted him with the salutation of "What
cheer, my young master? I am glad to see thee with all my
heart." These compliments being passed, his uncle halted to
the door of his wife's chamber, at which he stood hallooing,
"Here's your kinsman, Perry: belike you won't come and bid
him welcome."—"Lord, Mr. Trunnion," said she, "why will you
continually harass me in this manner with your impertinent
intrusion?"-"I harrow you!" replied the commodore: "'sblood!
I believe your upper works are damaged: I only came to
inform you that here was your cousin, whom you have not seen
these four long years; and I'll be d—d if there is such
another of his age within the king's dominions, d'ye see,
either for make or mettle: he's a credit to the name, d'ye
see: but, d— my eyes, I'll say no more of the matter: if you
come, you may; if you won't, you may let it alone."—"Well, I
won't come, then," answered his yoke-fellow, "for I am at
present more agreeably employed."—"Oho! you are. I believe
so too," cried the commodore, making wry faces and mimicking
the action of dram-drinking. Then, addressing himself to
Hatchway, "Prithee, Jack," said he, "go and try thy skill on
that stubborn hulk: if anybody can bring her about, I know
you wool."
The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the
door, conveyed his persuasion in these words: "What, won't
you turn out and hail little Perry? It will do your heart
good to see such a handsome young dog; I'm sure he is the
very moral of you, and as like as if he had been spit out of
your own mouth, as the saying is: do show a little respect
for your kinsman, can't you?" To this remonstrance she
replied, in a mild tone of voice, "Dear Mr. Hatchway, you
are always teasing one in such a manner: sure I am, nobody
can tax me with unkindness, or want of natural affection."
So saying, she opened the door, and, advancing to the hall
where her nephew stood, received him very graciously and
observed that he was the very image of her papa.
In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the
house of his parents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he
presented to his mother, than her countenance changed, she
eyed him with tokens of affliction and surprise, and,
bursting into tears, exclaimed her child was dead, and this
was no other than an impostor whom they had brought to
defraud her sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this
unaccountable passion, which had no other foundation than
caprice and whim; and Gamaliel himself was so disconcerted
and unsettled in his own belief, which began to waver, that
he knew not how to behave towards the boy, whom his
godfather immediately carried back to the garrison, swearing
all the way that Perry should never cross their threshold
again with his good-will. Nay, so much was he incensed at
this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that he refused to
carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until he
was appeased by his solicitations and submission, and
Peregrine owned as his son and heir. But this acknowledgment
was made without the privity of his wife, whose vicious
aversion he was obliged, in appearance, to adopt. Thus
exiled from his father's house, the young gentleman was left
entirely to the disposal of the commodore, whose affection
for him daily increased, insomuch that he could scarcely
prevail upon himself to part with him, when his education
absolutely required that he should be otherwise disposed of.
In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if
not produced, at least riveted by that peculiar turn in
Peregrine's imagination, which we have already observed; and
which, during his residence in the castle, appeared in
sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt,
under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who assisted him in the
contrivance and execution of all his schemes. Nor was Pipes
exempted from a share in their undertakings; for, being a
trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and
altogether resigned to their will, they found him a
serviceable instrument for their purpose, and used him
accordingly.
The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs.
Trunnion. They terrified that good lady with strange noises
when she retired to her devotion. Pipes was a natural genius
in the composition of discords: he could imitate the sound
produced by the winding of a jack, the filing of a saw, and
the swinging of a malefactor hanging in chains; he could
counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching of a
night-owl, the caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog,
the squeaking of a pig, the crowing of a cock; and he had
learned the war-whoop uttered by the Indians in North
America. These talents were exerted successively, at
different times and places, to the terror of Mrs. Trunnion,
the discomposure of the commodore himself, and the
consternation of all the servants in the castle. Peregrine,
with a sheet over his clothes, sometimes tumbled before his
aunt in the twilight, when her organs of vision were a
little impaired by the cordial she had swallowed; and the
boatswain's mate taught him to shoe cats with walnut-shells,
so that they made a most dreadful clattering in their
nocturnal excursions.
The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by
these alarms, which, in her opinion, portended the death of
some principal person in the family; she redoubled her
religious exercises, and fortified her spirits with fresh
potations; nay, she began to take notice that Mr. Trunnion's
constitution was very much broken, and seemed dissatisfied
when people observed that they never saw him look better.
Her frequent visits to the closet, where all her consolation
was deposited, inspired the confederates with a device which
had like to have been attended with tragical consequences.
They found an opportunity to infuse jalap in one of her
case-bottles; and she took so largely of this medicine, that
her constitution had well nigh sunk under the violence of
its effect. She suffered a succession of fainting fits that
reduced her to the brink of the grave, in spite of all the
remedies that were administered by a physician, who was
called in the beginning of her disorder.
After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the
patient had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only
draughts and lubricating injections, to defend the coats of
the stomach and intestines from the vellicating particles of
that pernicious mineral; at the same time hinting, with a
look of infinite sagacity, that it was not difficult to
divine the whole mystery. He affected to deplore the poor
lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the same
nature; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent
commodore, whom the officious son of Aesculapius suspected
as the author of this expedient, to rid his hands of a
yoke-fellow for whom he was well known to have no great
devotion. This impertinent and malicious insinuation made
some impression upon the bystanders, and furnished ample
field for slander to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was
represented through the whole district as a monster of
barbarity. Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved
with great decency and prudence, could not help entertaining
some small diffidence of her husband; not that she imagined
he had any design upon her life, but that he had been at
pains to adulterate the brandy with a view of detaching her
from that favourite liquor.
On this supposition, she resolved to act with more
caution for the future, without setting on foot any inquiry
about the affair; while the commodore, imputing her
indisposition to some natural cause, after the danger was
past, never bestowed a thought upon the subject; so that the
perpetrators were quit of their fear, which, however, had
punished them so effectually, that they never would hazard
any more jokes of the same nature.
The shafts of their wit were now directed against the
commander himself, whom they teased and terrified almost out
of his senses. One day, while he was at dinner, Pipes came
and told him that there was a person below that wanted to
speak with him immediately, about an affair of the greatest
importance, that would admit of no delay; upon which he
ordered the stranger to be told that he was engaged, and
that he must send up his name and business. To this demand
he received for answer a message importing that the person's
name was unknown to him, and his business of such a nature,
that it could not be disclosed to any one but the commodore
himself, whom he earnestly desired to see without loss of
time.
Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with
great reluctance, in the middle of his meal, and descending
to a parlour where the stranger was, asked him, in a surly
tone, what he wanted with him in such a d—d hurry, that he
could not wait till he had made an end of his mess? The
other, not at all disconcerted at this rough address,
advanced close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look of
confidence and conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the
commodore's head, whispered softly in his car, "Sir, I am
the attorney whom you wanted to converse with in
private."—"The attorney?" cried Trunnion, staring, and
half-choked with choler. "Yes, sir, at your service,"
replied this retainer of the law; "and, if you please, the
sooner we despatch the affair the better; for 'tis an old
observation, that delay breeds danger."—"Truly, brother,"
said the commodore, who could no longer contain himself, "I
do confess that I am very much of your way of thinking, d'ye
see, and therefore you shall be despatched in a trice." So
saying, he lifted up his walking-staff, which was something
between a crutch and a cudgel, and discharged it with such
energy on the seat of the attorney's understanding, that if
there had been anything but solid bone, the contents of his
skull must have been evacuated.
Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults,
he could not withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an
instant laid him flat on the floor, deprived of all sense
and motion; and Trunnion hopped upstairs to dinner,
applauding himself in ejaculations all the way for the
vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging
miscreant.
The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which
he had been so unexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes
around in quest of evidence, by which he might be enabled
the more easily to prove the injury he had sustained, but
not a soul appearing, he made shift to get upon his legs
again, and, with the blood trickling over his nose, followed
one of the servants into the dining-room, resolved to come
to an explanation with the assailant, and either extort
money from him by way of satisfaction, or provoke him to a
second application before witnesses. With this view, he
entered the room in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of
all present, and the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked
at the appearance of such a spectacle; and addressing
himself to the commodore, "I'll tell you what, sir," said
he; "if there be law in England, I'll make you smart for
this here assault." You think you have screened yourself
from a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the
way; but that circumstance will appear upon trial to be a
plain proof of the malice prepense with which the fact was
committed; especially when corroborated by the evidence of
this here letter, under your own hand, whereby I am desired
to come to your own house to transact an affair of
consequence. So he produced the writing, and read the
contents in these words:—
"Mr. Roger Ravine.
Sir,—Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire
you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the
afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an
affair
of great consequence, in which your particular advice is
wanted by your humble servant,
"Hawser Trunnion."
The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the
chastisement he had already bestowed upon the plaintiff,
hearing him read this audacious piece of forgery, which he
considered as the effect of his own villainy, started up
from table, and seizing a huge turkey that lay in a dish
before him, would have applied it, sauce and all, by way of
poultice, to his wound, had he not been restrained by
Hatchway, who laid fast hold on both his arms, and fixed him
to his chair again, advising the attorney to sheer off with
what he had got. Far from following this salutary counsel,
he redoubled his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling
him he not a man of true courage, although he had commanded
a ship of war, or else he would not have attacked any person
in such a cowardly and clandestine manner. This provocation
would have answered his purpose effectually, had not his
adversary's indignation been repressed by the suggestions of
the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to be
easy, for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in
a blanket for his presumption. This proposal, which he
received with great approbation, pacified him in a moment:
he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and his features
relaxed into a grim smile.
Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great
fluency of abuse, until he was interrupted by the arrival of
Pipes, who, without any expostulation, led him out by the
hand, and conducted him to the yard, where he was put into a
carpet, and in a twinkling sent into the air by the strength
and dexterity of five stout operators, whom the lieutenant
had selected from the number of domestics for that singular
spell of duty.
In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of
God, that they would take pity upon him, and put an end to
his involuntary gambols: they were deaf to his prayers and
protestations, even when he swore, in the most solemn
manner, that if they would cease tormenting him, he would
forget and forgive what was past, and depart in peace to his
own habitation; and continued the game till they were
fatigued with the exercise.
Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight,
brought an action of assault and battery against the
commodore, and subpoenaed all the servants as evidences in
the cause; but as none of them had seen what happened, he
did not find his account in the prosecution, though he
himself examined all the witnesses, and, among their
questions, asked, whether they had not seen him come in like
another man? and whether they had ever seen any other man in
such condition as that in which he had crawled off. But this
last interrogation they were not obliged to answer, because
it had reference to the second discipline he bad undergone,
in which they, and they only, were concerned; and no person
is bound to give testimony against himself.
In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction
of all who knew him, and found himself under the necessity
of proving that he had received, in course of post, the
letter which was declared in court a scandalous forgery, in
order to prevent an indictment with which he was threatened
by the commodore, who little dreamt that the whole affair
had been planned and executed by Peregrine and his
associates.
The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged,
was a scheme to frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which
they prepared and exhibited in this manner: to the hide of a
large ox, Pipes fitted a leathern vizor of a most terrible
appearance, stretched on the jaws of a shark, which he had
brought from sea, and accommodated with a couple of broad
glasses instead of eyes. On the inside of these he placed
two rushlights, and, with a composition of sulphur and
saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee, which he fixed between
two rows of the teeth. This equipage being finished, he, one
dark night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and, following
the commodore into a long passage, in which he was preceded
by Perry with a light in his hand, kindled his firework with
a match, and began to bellow like a bull. The boy, as it was
concerted, looked behind him, screamed aloud, and dropped
the light, which was extinguished in the fall; when
Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation, exclaimed,
"Zounds! what's the matter?" and turning about to see the
cause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue
flame, which aggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was
instantly seized with an agony of fear, which divested him
of his reason: nevertheless, he, as it were mechanically,
raised his trusty supporter in his own defence, and, the
apparition advancing towards him, aimed it at this dreadful
annoyance with such a convulsive exertion of strength, that
had not the blow chanced to light upon one of the horns Mr.
Pipes would have had no cause to value himself upon his
invention. Misapplied as it was, he did not fail to stagger
at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation, closed
with the commodore, and having tripped up his heels,
retreated with great expedition.
It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect
himself a little, ran, with all the marks of disturbance and
affright, and called up the servants to the assistance of
their master, whom they found in a cold sweat upon the
floor, his features betokening horror and confusion.
Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted him with a cup
of Nantz, began to inquire into the cause of his disorder:
but he could not extract one word of answer from his friend,
who, after a considerable pause, during which he seemed to
be wrapt in profound contemplation, pronounced aloud, "By
the Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; but I'll be d— if
it was not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucer
eyes, his three rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the
blue smoke that came out of his nostrils. What does the
blackguard hell's baby want with me? I'm sure I never
committed murder, except in the way of my profession, nor
wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to sea." This
same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors, is
the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the
deep, and is often seen in various shapes, perching among
the rigging on the eve of hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other
disasters, to which a seafaring life is exposed; warning the
devoted wretch of death and woe. No wonder then that
Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed visit of this demon,
which, in his opinion, foreboded some dreadful calamity.
CHAPTER XIV.
He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with
the Exciseman, who does not find his Account in his own
Drollery.
Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion
may be which prompts persons, otherwise generous and
sympathizing, to afflict and perplex their fellow-creatures,
certain it is, our confederates entertained such a large
proportion of it, that not satisfied with the pranks they
had already played, they still persecuted the commodore
without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the
particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often
rehearsed an adventure of deer-stealing, in which, during
the unthinking impetuosity of his youth, he had been
unfortunately concerned. Far from succeeding in that
achievement, he and his associates had, it seems, been made
prisoners, after an obstinate engagement with the keepers,
and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace, who
used Trunnion with great indignity, and with his companions
committed him to jail.
His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he
chiefly depended, treated him during his confinement with
great rigour and inhumanity and absolutely refused to
interpose his influence in his behalf, unless he would sign
a writing, obliging himself to go to sea within thirty days
after his release, under the penalty of being proceeded
against as a felon. The alternative was, either to undergo
this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned and
deserted by everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious
trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for
life. He therefore, without much hesitation, embraced the
proposal of his kinsman, and, as he observed, was, in less
than a month after his discharge, turned adrift to the mercy
of the wind and waves.
Since that period he had never maintained any
correspondence with his relations, all of whom had concurred
in sending him off; nor would he ever pay the least regard
to the humiliations and supplications of some among them,
who had prostrated themselves before him, on the advancement
of his fortune: but he retained a most inveterate resentment
against his uncle, who was still in being, though extremely
old and infirm, and frequently mentioned his name with all
the bitterness of revenge.
Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the
particulars of this story, which he had heard so often
repeated, proposed to Hatchway that a person should be hired
to introduce himself to the commodore, with a supposititious
letter of recommendation from this detested kinsman; an
imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford abundance
of diversion.
The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle
having composed an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman
of the parish, a fellow of great impudence and some humour,
in whom Hatchway could confide, undertook to transcribe and
deliver it with his own hand, and also personate the man in
whose favour it was feigned to be written. He, accordingly,
one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours
at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who
admitted him, to understand, that he had a letter from his
master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the
commodore himself. This message was no sooner communicated,
than the indignant chief (who had been waked for the
purpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest,
and swore he would not budge till his usual time of turning
out. This resolution being conveyed to the stranger, he
desired the carrier to go back and tell him, he had such
joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore
would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if
he had been raised from the grave to receive them.
This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been
powerful enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted
with the exhortations of his spouse, which never failed to
influence his conduct. He therefore crept out of bed, though
not without great repugnance; and wrapping himself in his
morning gown, was supported down-stairs, rubbing his eye,
yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As soon as he
popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made
divers awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect accosted him
in these words: "Your most humble servant, most noble
commodore! I hope you are in good health; you look pure and
hearty; and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye,
one would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a
summer's day. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you
to be on this side of threescore. Lord help us, I should
have known you to be a Trunnion, if I had met with one in
the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is."
The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of
relishing such an impertinent preamble, interrupted him in
this place, saying, with a peevish accent, "Pshaw! pshaw!
brother, there's no occasion to bowse out so much
unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your discourse to bear
on the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on
your tongue, and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was told you
had something to deliver."—"Deliver!" cried the waggish
impostor, "odds heart! I have got something for you that
will make your very entrails rejoice within your body.
Here's a letter from a dear and worthy friend of yours.
Take, read it, and be happy. Blessings on his old heart! one
would think he had renewed his age, like the eagle's."
Trunnion's expectation being thus raised, he called for his
spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took the letter, and
being curious to know the subscription, no sooner perceived
his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered,
and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and
surprise; eager to know the subject of an epistle from a
person who had never before troubled him with any sort of
address, he endeavoured to recollect himself, and perused
the contents, which were these;—
"Loving Nephew,—I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to
hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a
kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and
how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always
a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad
company,
whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not
been
for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this
is
not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy
Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of
the
cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well
as
to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for
some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will
recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and
give
him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt
not,
nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more
but for the respect you bear to me, who am,—Loving nephew,
your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
"Tobiah Trunnion."
It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth
himself to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the
commodore's countenance while he read this letter. It was
not a stare of astonishment, a convulsion of rage, or a
ghastly grin of revenge; but an association of all three,
that took possession of his features. At length, he hawked
up, with incredible straining, the interjection, "Ah!" that
seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe; and thus
gave vent to his indignation: "Have I come alongside of you
at last, you old stinking curmudgeon? You lie, you lousy
hulk! ye lie! you did all in your power to founder me when I
was a stripling; and as for being graceless and wicked, and
keeping bad company, you tell a d—d lie again, you thief!
there was not a more peaceable lad in the county, and I kept
no bad company but your own, d'ye see. Therefore, you
Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent
you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse;
that I tear his letter into rags, so; and that I trample
upon it as I would upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye
see." So saying, he danced in a sort of frenzy upon the
fragments of the paper, which he had scattered about the
room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the triumvirate,
who beheld the scene.
The exciseman having got between him and the door, which
was left open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected
great confusion and surprise at his behaviour, saying, with
an air of mortification, "Lord be merciful unto me! is this
the way you treat your own relations, and the recommendation
of your best friend? Surely all gratitude and virtue has
left this sinful world! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and
Tom, and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters cousin Sue,
and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks, say,
when they hear of this unconscionable reception that I have
met with? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the
sin of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely observes; and do
not send me away with such unchristian usage, which will lay
a heavy load of guilt upon your poor miserable soul."—"What,
you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?"
said Trunnion, interrupting him, "we shall find a post for
you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of
a b— and help him to the whipping-post in the yard. I'll
teach you to rouse me in the morning with such impertinent
messages."
Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the
exciseman dreamt of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and
executed the orders of his commander, notwithstanding all
his nods, winking, and significant gestures, which the
boatswain's mate would by no means understand; so that he
began to repent of the part he acted in this performance,
which was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to
the stake, in a very disagreeable state of suspense; casting
many a rueful look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was
absent in quest of a cat-o'-nine-tails, in expectation of
being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant, who
did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument
of correction, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and
whispering in his ear, that he was very sorry for being
employed in such an office, but durst not for his soul
disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge
about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a
smarting application to the offender's back and shoulders,
that the distracted gauger performed sundry new cuts with
his feet, and bellowed hideously with pain, to the infinite
satisfaction of the spectators. At length, when he was
almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck,
Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto,
appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf,
prevailed upon Trunnion to call off the executioner, and
ordered the malefactor to be released.
The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone,
threatened to be revenged upon his employers, by making a
candid confession of the whole plot; but the lieutenant
giving him to understand, that in so doing, he would bring
upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, and
imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss; and sneaked
out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses
discharged upon him by the commodore, who was exceedingly
irritated by the disturbance and disappointment he had
undergone.
CHAPTER XV.
The Commodore detects the Machinations of the Conspirators,
and hires a tutor for Peregrine, whom he settles in
Winchester School.
This was not the least affliction he had suffered from
the unwearied endeavours and unexhausted invention of his
tormentors, who harassed him with such a variety of
mischievous pranks, that he began to think all the devils in
hell had conspired against his peace; and accordingly became
very serious and contemplative on the subject.
In the course of his meditations, when he recollected and
compared the circumstances of every mortification to which
he had been lately exposed, he could not help suspecting
that some of them must have been contrived to vex him; and,
as he was not ignorant of his lieutenant's disposition, nor
unacquainted with the talents of Peregrine, he resolved to
observe them both for the future with the utmost care and
circumspection. This resolution, aided by the incautious
conduct of the conspirators, whom, by this time, success had
rendered heedless and indiscreet, was attended with the
desired effect. He in a little time, detected Perry in a new
plot; and by dint of a little chastisement, and a great many
threats, extorted from him a confession of all the
contrivances in which he had been concerned. The commodore
was thunderstruck at the discovery, and so much incensed
against Hatchway for the part he had acted in the whole,
that he deliberated with himself, whether he should demand
satisfaction with sword and pistol, or dismiss him from the
garrison, and renounce all friendship with him at once. But
he had been so long accustomed to Jack's company, that he
could not live without him; and upon more cool reflection,
perceiving that what he had done was rather the effect of
wantonness than malice, which he himself would have laughed
to see take place upon any other person, he determined to
devour his chagrin, and extended his forgiveness even to
Pipes, whom, in the first sally of his passion, he had
looked upon in a more criminal light than that of a simple
mutineer. This determination was seconded by another, which
he thought absolutely necessary for his own repose, and in
which his own interest, and that of his nephew, concurred.
Peregrine, who was now turned of twelve, had made such
advances under the instruction of Jennings, that he often
disputed upon grammar, and was sometimes thought to have the
better in his contests, with the parish-priest, who,
notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority of his
antagonist, did great justice to his genius which he assured
Mr. Trunnion would be lost for want of cultivation, if the
boy was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at
some proper seminary of learning.
This maxim had been more than once inculcated upon the
commodore by Mrs. Trunnion, who, over and above the
deference she paid to the parson's opinion, had a reason of
her own for wishing to see the house clear of Peregrine, at
whose prying disposition she began to be very uneasy.
Induced by these motives, which were joined by the
solicitation of the youth himself, who ardently longed to
see a little more of the world, his uncle determined to send
him forthwith to Winchester, under the immediate care and
inspection of a governor, to whom he allowed a very handsome
appointment for that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was
Mr. Jacob Jolter, had been school-fellow with the parson of
the parish, who recommended him to Mrs. Trunnion as a person
of great worth and learning, in every respect qualified for
the office of a tutor. He likewise added, by way of
eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary piety and
particularly zealous for the honour of the church, of which
he was a member, having been many years in holy orders,
though he did not then exercise any function of the
priesthood. Indeed, Mr. Jolter's zeal was so exceedingly
fervent, as, on some occasions, to get the better of his
discretion; for, being a high churchman and of consequence a
malcontent, his resentment was habituated into an
insurmountable prejudice against the present disposition of
affairs, which, by confounding the nation with the ministry,
sometimes led him into erroneous, not to say absurd
calculations; otherwise, a man of good morals, well versed
in mathematics and school divinity, studies which had not at
all contributed to sweeten and unbend the natural sourness
and severity of his complexion.
This gentleman being destined to the charge of
superintending Perry's education, everything was prepared
for their departure; and Tom Pipes, in consequence of his
own petition, put into livery, and appointed footman to the
young squire. But, before they set out, the commodore paid
the compliment of communicating his design to Mr. Pickle,
who approved of the plan, though he durst not venture to see
the boy; so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of
his wife, whose aversion to her first-born became every day
more inveterate and unaccountable. This unnatural caprice
seemed to be supported by a consideration which, one would
imagine, might have rather vanquished her disgust. Her
second son Gam, who was now in the fourth year of his age,
had been rickety from the cradle, and as remarkably
unpromising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in his
person. As the deformity increased, the mother's fondness
was augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the
other son seemed to prevail in the same proportion.
Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of
a child, she would not suffer him to approach his father's
house, expressed uneasiness whenever his name happened to be
mentioned, sickened at his praise, and in all respects
behaved like a most rancorous step-mother. Though she no
longer retained that ridiculous notion of his being an
impostor, she still continued to abhor him, as if she really
believed him to be such; and when any person desired to know
the cause of her surprising dislike, she always lost her
temper, and peevishly replied, that she had reasons of her
own, which she was not obliged to declare: nay, so much was
she infected by this vicious partiality, that she broke off
all commerce with her sister-in-law and the commodore,
because they favoured the poor child with their countenance
and protection.
Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and
generosity of Trunnion, who, having adopted him as his own
son, equipped him accordingly, and carried him and his
governor in his own coach to the place of destination, where
they were settled on a very genteel footing, and everything
regulated according to their desires.
Mrs. Trunnion with great decency at the departure of her
nephew, to whom, with a great many pious advices and
injunctions to behave with submission and reverence towards
his tutor, she presented a diamond ring of small value, and
a gold medal, as tokens of her affection and esteem. As for
the lieutenant, he accompanied them in the coach; and such
was the friendship he had contracted for Perry, that when
the commodore proposed to return, after having accomplished
the intent of his journey, Jack absolutely refused to attend
him, and signified his resolution to stay where he was.
Trunnion was the more startled a this declaration, as
Hatchway was become so necessary to him in almost all the
purposes of his life, that he foresaw he should not be able
to exist without his company. Not a little affected with
this consideration, he turned his eye ruefully upon the
lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone, "What! leave me at
last, Jack, after we have weathered so many hard gales
together? D— my limbs! I thought you had been more of an
honest heart: I looked upon you as my foremast, and Tom
Pipes as my mizen: now he is carried away, if so be as you
go too, my standing rigging being decayed, d'ye see, the
first squall will bring me by the board. D— ye, if in case I
have given offence, can't you speak above-board? and I shall
make you amends."
Jack, being ashamed to own the true situation of his
thoughts, after some hesitation, answered with perplexity
and incoherence, "No, d— me! that an't the case neither: to
be sure you always used me in an officer-like manner, that I
must own, to give the devil his due, as the saying is; but
for all that, this here is the case, I have some thoughts of
going to school myself to learn your Latin lingo: for, as
the saying is, Better late mend than never: and I am
informed as how one can get more for the money here than
anywhere else."
In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the
folly of going to school at his years, by representing that
the boys would make game of him, and that he would become a
laughing-stock to all the world: he persisted in his
resolution to stay, and the commodore was fain to have
recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who employed
their influence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him to
return to the garrison, after Trunnion had promised he
should be at liberty to visit them once a month. This
stipulation being settled, he and his friend took leave of
the pupil, governor, and attendant, and next morning, set
out for their habitation, which they reached in safety that
same night.
Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Peregrine, that
he is said, for the first time in his life, to have looked
misty at parting: certain I am, that on the road homewards,
after a long pause of silence, which the commodore never
dreamt of interrupting, he exclaimed all of a sudden, "I'll
be d—d if the dog ha'nt given me some stuff to make me love
him!" Indeed, there was something congenial in the
disposition of these two friends, which never failed to
manifest itself in the sequel, howsoever different their
education, circumstances, and connections happened to be.
CHAPTER XVI.
Peregrine distinguishes himself among his School-fellows,
exposes his Tutor, and attracts the particular Notice of the
Master.
Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Peregrine
was in a little time a distinguished character, not only for
his acuteness of apprehension, but also for that mischievous
fertility of fancy, of which we have already given such
pregnant examples. But as there was a great number of such
luminaries in this new sphere to which he belonged, his
talents were not so conspicuous while they shone in his
single capacity, as they afterwards appeared, when they
concentrated and reflected the rays of the whole
constellation.
At first he confined himself to piddling game, exercising
his genius upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention,
by endeavouring to season his mind with certain political
maxims, the fallacy of which he had discernment enough to
perceive. Scarce a day passed in which he did not find means
to render Mr. Jolter the object of ridicule: his violent
prejudices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity, and
ignorance of mankind, afforded continual food for the
raillery, petulance, and satire of his pupil, who never
neglected an opportunity of laughing, and making others
laugh, at his expense.
Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine,
he decoyed this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his
caution forsook him, and he exposed himself to the censure
of the company. Sometimes, when the conversation turned upon
intricate subjects, he practised upon him the Socratic
method of confutation, and, under pretence of being
informed, by an artful train of puzzling questions
insensibly betrayed him into self-contradiction.
All the remains of authority which he had hitherto
preserved over Peregrine soon vanished; so that, for the
future, no sort of ceremony subsisted between them, and all
Mr. Jolter's precepts were conveyed in hints of friendly
advice, which the other might either follow or neglect at
his own pleasure. No wonder then that Peregrine gave a loose
to his inclinations, and, by dint of genius and an
enterprising temper, made a figure among the younger class
of heroes in the school.
Before he had been a full year at Winchester, he had
signallized himself in so many achievements, in defiance to
the laws and regulations of the place, that he was looked
upon with admiration, and actually chosen dux, or leader, by
a large body of his contemporaries. It was not long before
his fame reached the ears of the master, who sent for Mr.
Jolter, communicated to him the informations he had
received, and desired him to check the vivacity of his
charge, and redouble his vigilance in time to come, else he
should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil for
the benefit of the school.
The governor, conscious of his own unimportance, was not
a little disconcerted at this injunction, which it was not
in his power to fulfil by any compulsive means. He therefore
went home in a very pensive mood, and after mature
deliberation, resolved to expostulate with Peregrine in the
most familiar terms, and endeavour to dissuade him from
practices which might affect his character as well as
interest. He accordingly frankly told him the subject of the
master's discourse; represented the disgrace he might incur
by neglecting this warning; and, putting him in mind of his
own situation, hinted the consequences of the commodore's
displeasure, in case he should be brought to disapprove of
his conduct. These insinuations made the greater impression
as they were delivered with many expressions of friendship
and concern. The young gentleman was not so raw, but that he
could perceive the solidity of Mr. Jolter's advice, to which
he promised to conform, because his pride was interested in
the affair, and he considered his own reformation as the
only means of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he
could not bear.
His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by
these moments of reflection; and, in order to prevent a
relapse, proposed that he should engage in some delightful
study that would agreeably amuse his imagination, and
gradually detach him from those connections which had
involved him in so many troublesome adventures. For this
purpose, he, with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the
mathematics, as yielding more rational and sensible
pleasures to a youthful fancy than any other subject of
contemplation; and actually began to read Euclid with him
that same afternoon.
Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all
that warmth of application which boys commonly yield on the
first change of study; but he had scarce advanced beyond the
Pons Asinorum, when his ardour abated; the test of truth by
demonstration did not elevate him to those transports of joy
with which his preceptor had regaled his expectation; and
before he arrived at the forty-seventh proposition, he began
to yawn drearily, make abundance of wry faces, and thought
himself but indifferently paid for his attention, when he
shared the vast discovery of Pythagoras, and understood that
the square of the hypotenuse was equal to the squares of the
other two sides of a right-angled triangle. He was ashamed,
however, to fail in his undertaking, and persevered with
great industry, until he had finished the first four books,
acquired plane trigonometry, with the method of algebraical
calculation, and made himself well acquainted with the
principles of surveying. But no consideration could prevail
upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science;
and he returned with double relish to his former avocations,
like a stream, which, being dammed, accumulates more force,
and, bursting over its mounds, rushes down with double
impetuosity.
Mr. Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin, but could
not resist the torrent. His behaviour was now no other than
a series of license and effrontery; prank succeeded prank,
and outrage followed outrage with surprising velocity.
Complaints were every day preferred against him; in vain
were admonitions bestowed by the governor in private, and
menaces discharged by the masters in public; he disregarded
the first, despised the latter, divested himself of all
manner of restraint, and proceeded in his career to such a
pitch of audacity, that a consultation was held upon the
subject, in which it was determined that this untoward
spirit should be humbled by a severe and ignominious
flogging for the very next offence he should commit. In the
mean time, Mr. Jolter was desired to write in the masters
name to the commodore, requesting him to remove Tom Pipes
from the person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a
principal actor and abettor in all his malversations; and to
put a stop to the monthly visitations of the mutilated
lieutenant, who had never once failed to use his permission,
but came punctual to a day, always fraught with some new
invention. Indeed, by this time Mr. Hatchway was as well
known, and much better beloved, by every boy in the school
than the master who instructed him, and always received by a
number of scholars, who used to attend Peregrine when he
went forth to meet his friend, and conduct him to his
lodging with public testimonies of joy and applause.
As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the attendant of
Peregrine, as master of the revels of the whole school. He
mingled in all their parties, and superintended the
diversions, deciding between boy and boy, as if he acted by
commission under the great seal. He regulated their motions
by his whistle, instructed the young boys in the games of
hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing; imparted to those
of a more advanced age the sciences of cribbage and
all-fours, together with the method of storming the castle,
acting the comedy of Prince Arthur, and other pantomimes, as
they commonly exhibited at sea; and instructed the seniors,
who were distinguished by the appellation of bloods, in
cudgel-playing, dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking
flip, and smoking tobacco. These qualifications had rendered
him so necessary and acceptable to the scholars, that
exclusive of Perry's concern in the affair, his dismission,
in all probability, would have produced some dangerous
convulsion in the community. Jolter, therefore, knowing his
importance, informed his pupil of the directions he had
received, and very candidly asked how he should demean
himself in the execution; for he durst not write to the
commodore without this previous notice, fearing that the
young gentleman, as soon as he should get an inkling of the
affair, would follow the example, and make his uncle
acquainted with certain anecdotes, which it was the
governor's interest to keep concealed. Peregrine was of
opinion that he should spare himself the trouble of
conveying any complaints to the commodore; and if questioned
by the master, assure him he had complied with his desire:
at the same time he promised faithfully to conduct himself
with such circumspection for the future, that the masters
should have no temptation to revive the inquiry. But the
resolution attending this extorted promise was too frail to
last, and in less than a fortnight our young hero found
himself entangled in an adventure from which he was not
extricated with his usual good fortune.
CHAPTER XVII.
He is concerned in a dangerous Adventure with a certain
Gardener—Sublimes his Ideas, commences Gallant, and becomes
acquainted with Miss Emily Gauntlet.
He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in
the suburbs, and, having indulged their appetites, desired
to know what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they
had pulled. The gardener demanded what, in their opinion,
was an exorbitant price, and they with many opprobrious
terms refused to pay it. The peasant, being surly and
untractable, insisted upon his right; neither was he
deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse. His
guests attempted to retreat; a scuffle ensued, in which
Peregrine lost his cap; and the gardener, being in danger
from the number of his foes, called to his wife to let loose
the dog, which instantly flew to his master's assistance,
and, after having torn the leg of one and the shoulder of
another, put the whole body of scholars to flight. Enraged
at the indignity which had been offered them, they solicited
a reinforcement of their friends, and, with Tom Pipes at
their head, marched back to the field of battle. Their
adversary, seeing them approach, called his apprentice, who
worked at the other end of the ground, to his assistance,
armed him with a mattock, while he himself wielded a hoe,
bolted his door on the inside, and, flanked with his man and
mastiff, waited the attack without flinching.
He had not remained three minutes in this posture of
defence, when Pipes, who acted as the enemy's forlorn hope,
advanced to the gate with great intrepidity, and, clapping
his foot to the door, which was none of the stoutest, with
the execution and despatch of a petard, split it into a
thousand pieces. This sudden execution had an immediate
effect upon the apprentice, who retreated with great
precipitation, and escaped at a postern; but the master
placed himself, like another Hercules, in the breach; and
when Pipes, brandishing his cudgel, stepped forward to
engage him, leveled his weapon with such force and dexterity
at his head, that had the skull been made of penetrable
stuff, the iron edge must have cleft his pate in twain.
Casemated as he was, the instrument cut sheer even to the
bone, on which it struck with such amazing violence, that
sparks of real fire were produced by the collision. And let
not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of
this phenomenon, until he shall have first perused the
ingenious Peter Kolben's Natural History of the Cape of Good
Hope, where the inhabitants commonly used to strike fire
with the shin-bones of lions which had been killed in that
part of Africa.
Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being
disabled by the blow, in a trice retorted the compliment
with his truncheon, which, had not his antagonist
expeditiously slipped his head aside, would have laid him
breathless across his own threshold; but, happily for him,
he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which
crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly
from his tingling hand. Tom, perceiving, and being unwilling
to forego, the advantage he had gained, darted his head into
the bosom of this son of earth, and overturned him on the
plain, being himself that instant assaulted by the mastiff,
who fastened upon the outside of his thigh. Feeling himself
incommoded by this assailant in his rear, he quitted the
prostrate gardener to the resentment of his associates, who
poured upon him in shoals, and turning about, laid hold with
both his hands of this ferocious animal's throat, which he
squeezed with such incredible force and perseverance, that
the creature quitted his hold; his tongue lolled out of his
jaws, the blood started from his eyes, and he swung a
lifeless trunk between the hands of his vanquisher.
It was well for his master that he did not longer exist:
for by this time he was overwhelmed by such a multitude of
foes, that his whole body scarce afforded points of contact
to all the fists that drummed upon him; consequently, to use
a vulgar phrase, his wind was almost knocked out, before
Pipes had leisure to interpose in his he behalf, and
persuade his offenders to desist, by representing that the
wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and in all
probability they would be intercepted in their return. They
accordingly listened to his remonstrances, and marched
homewards in triumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces
of his mother earth, from which he had not power to move
when he was found by his disconsolate helpmate and some
friends whom she had assembled for his assistance. Among
these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took cognizance of
his carcase, every limb of which having examined, he
declared there was no bone broken, and taking out his fleam,
blooded him plentifully as he lay. He was then conveyed to
his bed, from which he was not able to stir during a whole
month. His family coming upon the parish, a formal complaint
was made to the master of the school, and Peregrine
represented as the ringleader of those who committed this
barbarous assault. An inquiry was immediately set on foot;
and the articles of impeachment being fully proved, our hero
was sentenced to be severely chastised in the face of the
whole school. This was a disgrace, the thoughts of which his
proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make his
elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was
doomed; and having signified his sentiments to his
confederates, they promised one and all to stand by him, and
either screen him from chastisement or share his fate.
Confiding in this friendly protestation, he appeared
unconcerned on the day that was appointed for his
punishment; and when he was called to his destiny, advanced
the scene, attended by the greatest part of the scholars,
who intimated their determination to the master, and
proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior
behaved with that dignity of demeanour which became his
place, represented the folly and presumption of their
demand, reprehended them for their audacious proceeding, and
ordered every boy to his respective station. They obeyed his
command, and our unfortunate hero was publicly horsed, in
terrorem of all whom it might concern.
This disgrace had a very sensible effect upon the mind of
Peregrine, who, having by this time, passed the fourteenth
year of his age, began to adopt the pride and sentiments of
a man. Thus dishonourably stigmatized, he was ashamed to
appear in public as usual; he was incensed against his
companions for their infidelity and irresolution, and
plunged into a profound reverie that lasted several weeks,
during which he shook off his boyish connections, and fixed
his view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his
attention.
In the course of his gymnastic exercises, at which he was
very expert, he contracted intimacies with several youths
who were greatly his superiors in point of age, and who,
pleased with his aspiring genius and address, introduced him
into parties of gallantry which strongly captivated his
inclination. He was by nature particularly adopted for
succeeding in all adventures of this kind: over and above a
most engaging person that improved with his years, he
possessed a dignified assurance, an agreeable ferocity which
enhanced the conquest of the fair who had the good fortune
to enslave him, unlimited generosity, and a fund of humour
which never failed to please. Nor was he deficient in the
more solid accomplishments of youth: he had profited in his
studies beyond expectation; and besides that sensibility of
discernment which is the foundation of taste, and in
consequence of which he distinguished and enjoyed the
beauties of the classics, he had already given several
specimens of a very promising poetic talent.
With this complexion and these qualifications, no wonder
that our hero attracted the notice and affections of the
young Delias in town, whose hearts had just begun to flutter
for they knew not what. Inquiries were made concerning his
condition; and no sooner were his expectations known, than
he was invited and caressed by all the parents, while the
daughters vied with each other in treating him with
particular complacency. He inspired love and emulation
wherever he appeared: envy and jealous rage followed of
course; so that he became a very desirable, though a very
dangerous acquaintance. His moderation was not equal to his
success: his vanity took the lead of his passions,
dissipating his attention, which might otherwise have fixed
him to one object; and he was possessed with the rage of
increasing the number of his conquests. With this view he
frequented public walks, concerts, and assemblies, became
remarkably rich and fashionable in his clothes, gave
entertainments to the ladies, and was in the utmost hazard
of turning out a most egregious coxcomb.
While his character thus wavered between the ridicule of
some and the regard of others, an accident happened which by
contracting his view to one object, detached him from those
vain pursuits that would in time have plunged him into an
abyss of folly and contempt. Being one evening at the ball
which is always given to the ladies at the time of the
races, the person acted as master of the ceremonies, knowing
how fond Mr. Pickle was of every opportunity to display
himself, came up, and told him, that there was a fine young
creature at the other end of the room, who seemed to have a
great inclination to dance a minuet, but wanted a partner,
the gentleman who attended her being in boots.
Peregrine's vanity being aroused at this intimation, he
went up to reconnoitre the young lady, and was struck with
admiration at her beauty. She seemed to be of his own age,
was tall, though slender, exquisitely shaped; her hair was
auburn, and in such plenty, that the barbarity of dress had
not been able to prevent it from shading both sides of her
forehead, which was high and polished; the contour of her
face was oval; her nose very little raised into the aquiline
form, that contributed to the spirit and dignity of her
aspect; her mouth was small; her lips plump, juicy, and
delicious, her teeth regular and white as driven snow, her
complexion incredibly delicate, and glowing with health; and
her full blue eyes beamed forth vivacity and love: her mien
was at the same time commanding and engaging, her address
perfectly genteel, and her whole appearance so captivating,
that our young Adonis looked, and was overcome.
He no sooner recollected himself from his astonishment,
than he advanced to her with a graceful air of respect, and
begged she would do him the honour to walk a minuet with
him. She seemed particularly pleased with his application,
and very frankly complied with his request. This pair was
too remarkable to escape the particular notice of the
company; Mr. Pickle was well known by almost everybody in
the room, but his partner was altogether a new face and of
consequence underwent the criticism of all the ladies in the
assembly. One whispered, "She has a good complexion, but
don't you think she is a little awry?" a second pitied her
for her masculine nose; a third observed, that she was
awkward for want of seeing company; a fourth distinguished
something very bold in her countenance; and, in short, there
was not a beauty in her whole composition which the glass of
envy did not pervert into a blemish.
The men, however, looked upon her with different eyes;
among them her appearance produced a universal murmur of
applause: they encircled the space on which she danced, and
were enchanted by her graceful motion. While they launched
out in the praise of her, they expressed their displeasure
at the good fortune of her partner, whom they d—d for a
little finical coxcomb, that was too much engrossed by the
contemplation of his own person, to discern or deserve the
favour of his fate. He did not hear, therefore could not
repine at these invectives; but while they imagined he
indulged his vanity, a much more generous passion had taken
possession of his heart.
Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been
distinguished in his public appearance, he now gave manifest
signs of confusion and concern: he danced with an anxiety
which impeded his performance, and blushed to the eyes at
every false step he made. Though this extraordinary
agitation was overlooked by the men, it could not escape the
observation of the ladies, who perceived it with equal
surprise and resentment; and when Peregrine led this fair
unknown to her seat, expressed their pique in an affected
titter, which broke from every mouth at the same instant—as
if all of them had been informed by the same spirit.
Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of
disapprobation, and, in order to increase their chagrin,
endeavoured to enter into particular conversation with their
fair rival. The young lady herself, who neither wanted
penetration nor the consciousness of her own
accomplishments, resented their behaviour, though she
triumphed at the cause of it, and gave her partner all the
encouragement he could desire. Her mother, who was present,
thanked him for his civility in taking such notice of a
stranger, and he received a compliment of the same nature
from the young gentleman in boots, who was her own brother.
If he was charmed with her appearance, he was quite
ravished with her discourse, which was sensible, spirited,
and gay. Her frank and sprightly demeanour excited his own
confidence and good-humour; and he described to her the
characters of those females who had honoured them with such
a spiteful mark of distinction, in terms so replete with
humorous satire, that she seemed to listen with particular
complacency of attention, and distinguished every nymph thus
ridiculed with such a significant glance as overwhelmed her
with chagrin and mortification. In short, they seemed to
relish each other's conversation, during which our young
Damon acquitted himself with great skill in all the duties
of gallantry: he laid hold of proper opportunities to
express his admiration of her charms, had recourse to the
silent rhetoric of tender looks, breathed divers insidious
sighs, and attached himself wholly to her during the
remaining part of the entertainment.
When the company broke up, he attended her to her
lodgings, and took leave of her with a squeeze of the hand,
after having obtained permission to visit her next morning,
and been informed by the mother that her name was Miss
Emilia Gauntlet.
All night long he closed not an eye, but amused himself
with plans of pleasure, which his imagination suggested in
consequence of this new acquaintance. He rose with the lark,
adjusted his hair into an agreeable negligence of curl, and
dressing himself in a genteel gray frock trimmed with silver
binding, waited with the utmost impatience for the hour of
ten, which no sooner struck than he hied him to the place of
appointment, and inquiring for Miss gauntlet, was shown into
a parlour. Here he had not waited above ten minutes, when
Emilia entered in a most enchanting undress, with all the
graces of nature playing about her person, and in a moment
riveted the chains of his slavery beyond the power of
accident to unbind.
Her mother being still abed, and her brother gone to give
orders about the chaise, in which they proposed to return
that same day to their own habitation, he enjoyed her
company a whole hour, during which he declared his love in
the most passionate terms, and begged that he might be
admitted into the number of those admirers whom she
permitted to visit and adore her.
She affected to look upon his vows and protestations as
the ordinary effect of gallantry, and very obligingly
assured him that were she to live in that place she should
be glad to see him often; but as the spot on which she
resided was at a considerable distance, she could not expect
he would go so far, upon such a trifling occasion, as to
take the trouble of providing himself with her mamma's
permission.
To this favourable hint he with all the eagerness of the
most fervent passion, that he had uttered nothing but the
genuine dictates of his heart; that he desired nothing so
much as an opportunity of evincing the sincerity of his
professions; and that, though he lived at the extremity of
the kingdom, he would find means to lay himself at her feet,
provided he could visit her with her mother's consent, which
he assured her he would not fail to solicit.
She then gave him to understand that her habitation was
about sixteen miles front Winchester, in a village which she
named, and where, as he could easily collect from her
discourse, he would be no unwelcome guest.
In the midst of this communication they were joined by
Mrs. Gauntlet, who received him with great courtesy,
thanking him again for his politeness to Emy at the ball,
and anticipated his intention by saying that she should be
very glad to see him at her house, if ever his occasions
should call him that way.
CHAPTER XVIII.
He inquires into the Situation of this young Lady, with whom
he is enamoured—Elopes from School—Is found by the
Lieutenant, conveyed to Winchester, and sends a Letter with
a copy of verses to his Mistress.
He was transported with pleasure at this invitation,
which he assured her he should not neglect; and after a
little more conversation on general topics, took his leave
of the charming Emilia and her prudent mamma, who had
perceived the first emotions of Mr. Pickle's passion for her
daughter, and been at some pains to inquire about his family
and fortune.
Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the
situation and pedigree of his new mistress, who, he learned,
was the only daughter of a field-officer, who died before he
had it in his power to make suitable provision for his
children; that the widow lived in a frugal though decent
manner on her pension, assisted by the bounty of her
relations; that the son carried arms as a volunteer in the
company which his father had commanded; and that Emilia had
been educated in London, at the expense of a rich uncle, who
was seized with the whim of marrying at the age of
fifty-five; in consequence of which his niece had returned
to her mother, without any visible dependence, except on her
own conduct and qualifications.
This account, though it could not diminish his affection,
nevertheless alarmed his pride; for his warm imagination had
exaggerated all his own prospects; and he began to fear that
his passion for Emilia might be thought to derogate from the
dignity of his situation. The struggle between his interest
and love produced a perplexity which had an evident effect
upon his behaviour: he became pensive, solitary, and
peevish; avoided public diversions; and grew so remarkably
negligent in his dress, that he was scarce distinguishable
by his own acquaintance. This contention of thoughts
continued several weeks, at the end of which the charms of
Emilia triumphed over every other consideration. Having
received a supply of money from the commodore, who acted
towards him with great generosity, he ordered Pipes to put
up some linen and other necessaries in a sort of knapsack,
which he could conveniently carry; and, thus attended, set
out early one morning on foot for the village where his
charmer lived, at which he arrived before two o'clock in the
afternoon; having chosen this method of travelling that his
route might not be so easily discovered, as it must have
been had he hired horses, or taken a place in the
stage-coach.
The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging
at the inn where he dined; then he shifted himself, and,
according to the direction he had received, went to the
house of Mrs. Gauntlet in a transport of joyous expectation.
As he approached the gate, his agitation increased; he
knocked with impatience and concern, the door opened, and he
had actually asked if Mrs. Gauntlet was at home, before he
perceived that the portress was no other than his dear
Emilia. She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight
of her lover, who instantly recognising his charmer obeyed
the irresistible impulse of his love, and caught the fair
creature in his arms. Nor did she seem offended at this
forwardness of behaviour, which might have displeased
another of a less open disposition, or less used to the
freedom of a sensible education; but her natural frankness
had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar
intercourse in which she had been bred; and therefore,
instead of reprimanding him with a severity of look, she
with great good humour rallied him upon his assurance,
which, she observed, was undoubtedly the effect of his own
conscious merit; and conducted him into a parlour, where he
found her mother, who, in very polite terms, expressed her
satisfaction at seeing him within her house.
After tea, Miss Emy proposed an evening walk, which they
enjoyed through a variety of little copses and lawns,
watered by a most romantic stream, that quite enchanted the
imagination of Peregrine.
It was late before they returned from this agreeable
excursion, and when our lover wished the ladies good night,
Mrs. Gauntlet insisted upon his staying to supper, and
treated him with particular demonstrations of regard and
affection. As her economy was not encumbered with an
unnecessary number of domestics, her own presence was often
required in different parts of the house, so that the young
gentleman was supplied with frequent opportunities of
promoting his suit by all the tender oaths and insinuations
that his passion could suggest. He protested her idea had
taken such entire possession of his heart, that finding
himself unable to support her absence one day longer, he had
quitted his studies, and left his governor by stealth, that
he might visit the object of his adoration, and be blessed
in her company for a few days without interruption.
She listened to his addresses with such affability as
denoted approbation and delight, and gently chided him as a
thoughtless truant, but carefully avoided the confession of
a mutual flame; because she discerned, in the midst of all
his tenderness, a levity of pride which she durst not
venture to trust with such a declaration. Perhaps she was
confirmed in this caution by her mother, who very wisely, in
her civilities to him, maintained a sort of ceremonious
distance, which she thought not only requisite for the
honour and interest of her family, but likewise for her own
exculpation, should she ever be taxed with having encouraged
or abetted him in the imprudent sallies of his youth; yet,
notwithstanding this affected reserve, he was treated with
such distinction by both, that he was ravished with his
situation, and became more and more enamoured every day.
While he remained under the influence of this sweet
intoxication, his absence produced great disturbance at
Winchester. Mr. Jolter was grievously afflicted at his
abrupt departure, which alarmed him the more, as it happened
after a long fit of melancholy which he had perceived in his
pupil. He communicated his apprehensions to the master of
the school, who advised him to apprise the commodore of his
nephew's disappearance, and in the mean time inquire at all
the inns in town, whether he had hired horses, or any sort
of carriage, for his conveyance, or was met with on the road
by any person who could give an account of the direction in
which he travelled.
The scrutiny, though performed with great diligence and
minuteness, was altogether ineffectual; they could obtain no
intelligence of the runaway. Mr. Trunnion was well
distracted at the news of his flight; he raved with great
fury at the imprudence of Peregrine, whom in his first
transports he d—d as an ungrateful deserter; then he cursed
Hatchway and Pipes, who he swore had foundered the lad by
their pernicious counsels; and, lastly, transferred his
execrations upon Jolter, because he had not kept a better
look-out; finally, he made an apostrophe to that son of a b—
the gout, which for the present disabled him from searching
for his nephew in person. That he might not, however,
neglect any means in his power, he immediately despatched
expresses to all the sea-port towns on that coast, that he
might be prevented from leaving the kingdom; and the
lieutenant, at his own desire, was sent across the country,
in quest of this young fugitive.
Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his inquiries
with great accuracy, when, resolving to return by
Winchester, where he hoped to meet with some hints of
intelligence by which he might profit in his future search,
he struck off the common road to take the benefit of a
nearer cut; and finding himself benighted near a village,
took up his lodgings at the first inn to which his horse
directed him. Having bespoke something for supper, and
retired to his chamber, where he amused himself with a pipe,
he heard a confused noise of rustic jollity, which being all
of a sudden interrupted, after a short pause his ear was
saluted with the voice of Pipes, who, at the solicitation of
the company, began to entertain them with a song.
Hatchway instantly recognised the well-known sound, in
which, indeed, he could not possibly be mistaken, as nothing
in nature bore the least resemblance to it; he threw his
pipe into the chimney, and, snatching up one of his pistols,
ran immediately to the apartment from whence the voice
issued; he no sooner entered, than, distinguishing his old
ship-mate in a crowd of country peasants, he in a moment
sprang upon him, and, clapping his pistol to his breast,
exclaimed, " D—n you, Pipes, you are a dead man, if you
don't immediately produce young master."
This menacing application had a much greater effect upon
the company than upon Tom, who, looking at the lieutenant
with great tranquility, replied, "Why so I can, Master
Hatchway."—"What! safe and sound?" cried the other. "As a
roach," answered Pipes, so much to the satisfaction of his
friend Jack, that he shook him by the hand, and desired him
to proceed with his song. This being performed and the
reckoning discharged, the two friends adjourned to the other
room, where the lieutenant was informed of the manner in
which the young gentleman had made his elopement from
college, as well as of the other particulars of his present
situation, as far as they had fallen within the sphere of
his comprehension.
While they sat thus conferring together, Peregrine,
having taken leave of his mistress for the night, came home,
and was not a little surprised, when Hatchway, entering his
chamber in his sea attitude, thrust out his hand by way of
salutation. His old pupil received him as usual, with great
cordiality, and expressed his astonishment at meeting him in
that place; but when he understood the cause and intention
of his arrival, he started with concern; and, his visage
glowing with indignation, told him he was old enough to be
judge of his own conduct, and, when he should see it
convenient, would return of himself; but those who thought
he was to be compelled to his duty, would find themselves
egregiously mistaken.
The lieutenant assured him, that for his own part he had
no intention to offer him the least violence; but, at the
same time, he represented to him the danger of incensing the
commodore, who was already almost distracted on account of
his absence: and, in short, conveyed his arguments, which
were equally obvious and valid, in such expressions of
friendship and respect, that Peregrine yielded to his
remonstrances, and promised to accompany him next day to
Winchester.
Hatchway, overjoyed at the success of his negotiation,
went immediately to the hostler and bespoke a post-chaise
for Mr. Pickle and his man with whom he afterwards indulged
himself in a double can of rumbo, and, when the night was
pretty far advanced, left the lover to his repose, or rather
to the thorns of his own meditation; for he slept not one
moment, being incessantly tortured with the prospect of
parting with his divine Emilia, who had now acquired the
most absolute empire over his soul. One minute he proposed
to depart early in the morning, without seeing this
enchantress, in whose bewitching presence he durst not trust
his own resolution; then the thoughts of leaving her in such
an abrupt and disrespectful manner interposed in favour of
his love and honour. This war of sentiments kept him all
night upon the rack, and it was time to rise before he had
determined to visit his charmer, and candidly impart the
motives that induced him to leave her.
He accordingly repaired to her mother's house with a
heavy heart, being attended to the gate by Hatchway, who did
not choose to leave him alone; and being admitted, found
Emilia just risen, and, in his opinion, more beautiful than
ever.
Alarmed at his early visit, and the gloom that overspread
his countenance, she stood in silent expectation of hearing
some melancholy tidings; and it was not till after a
considerable pause, that he collected resolution enough to
tell her he was come to take his leave. Though she strove to
conceal her sorrow, nature was not to be suppressed: every
feature of her countenance saddened in a moment; and it was
not without the utmost difficulty that she kept her lovely
eyes from overflowing. He saw the situation of her thoughts,
and, in order to alleviate her concern, assured her he
should find means to see her again in a very few weeks:
meanwhile he communicated his reasons for departing, in
which she readily acquiesced; and having mutually consoled
each other, their transports of grief subsided: and before
Mrs. Gauntlet came downstairs, they were in a condition to
behave with great decency and resignation.
This good lady expressed her concern when she learned his
resolution, saying, she hoped his occasions and inclinations
would permit him to favour them with his agreeable company
another time.
The lieutenant, who began to be uneasy at Peregrine's
stay, knocked at the door, and, being introduced by his
friend, had the honour of breakfasting with the ladies; on
which occasion his heart received such a rude shock from the
charms of Emilia, that he afterwards made a merit with his
friend of having constrained himself so far, as to forbear
commencing his professed rival.
At length they bade adieu to their kind entertainers; and
in less than an hour setting out from the inn, arrived about
two o'clock in Winchester, where Mr. Jolter was overwhelmed
with joy at their appearance.
The nature of this adventure being unknown to all except
those who could be depended upon, everybody who inquired
about the cause of Peregrine's absence, was told that he had
been with a relation in the country, and the master
condescended to overlook his indiscretion; so that Hatchway,
seeing everything settled to the satisfaction of his friend,
returned to the garrison, and gave the commodore an account
of his expedition.
The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard
there was a lady in the case, and very emphatically
observed, that a man had better be sucked into the gulf of
Florida than once get into the indraught of a woman;
because, in one case, he may with good pilotage bring out
his vessel safe between the Bahamas and the Indian shore;
but in the other there is no outlet at all, and it is in
vain to strive against the current; so that of course he
must be embayed, and run chuck upon a lee-shore. He
resolved, therefore, to lay the state of the case before
Gamaliel Pickle, and concert such measures with him as
should be thought likeliest to detach his son from the
pursuit of an idle amour, which could not fail of
interfering in a dangerous manner with the plan of his
education.
In the mean time, Perry's ideas were totally engrossed by
his amiable mistress, who, whether he slept or waked, was
still present in his imagination, which produced the
following stanzas in her praise:—
Adieu! ye streams that smoothly flow;
Ye vernal airs that softly blow;
Ye plains, by blooming spring arrayed;
Ye birds that warble through the shade.
Unhurt from you my soul could fly,
Nor drop one tear, nor heave one sigh;
But forced from Celia's charms to part,
All joy deserts my drooping heart.
O' fairer than the rosy morn,
When flowers the dewy fields adorn;
Unsallied as the genial ray,
That warms the balmy breeze of May;
Thy charms divinely bright appear,
And add new splendour to the year;
Improve the day with fresh delight,
And gild with joy the dreary night.
This juvenile production was enclosed in a very tender
billet to Emilia, and committed to the charge of Pipes, who
was ordered to set out for Mrs. Gauntlet's habitation with a
present of venison, and a compliment to the ladies; and
directed to take some opportunity of delivering the letter
to miss, without the knowledge of her mamma.
CHAPTER XIX.
His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a
very extraordinary Expedient that is attended with strange
Consequences.
As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village
where she lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on
the box, and accordingly departed on this message, though he
was but indifferently qualified for commissions of such a
nature. Having received particular injunctions about the
letter, he resolved to make that the chief object of his
care, and very sagaciously conveyed it between the stocking
and the sole of his foot, where he thought it would be
perfectly secure from all injury or accident. Here it
remained until he arrived at the inn where he had formerly
lodged, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught
of beer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor
billet sullied with dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by
the motion of his foot in walking the last two miles of his
journey. Thunderstruck at this phenomenon, he uttered it
loud whew! which was succeeded by an exclamation of "D— my
old shoes! a bite by G—!" then he rested his elbows on the
table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in that
attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of
remedying this misfortune.
As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he
soon concluded that his best expedient would be to employ
the clerk of the parish, who he knew was a great scholar, to
write another epistle according to the directions he should
give him; and never dreaming that the mangled original would
in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wisely
committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in
judgment against him.
Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the
scribe, to whom he communicated his business, and promised a
full pot by way of gratification. The clerk, who was also
schoolmaster, proud of an opportunity to distinguish his
talents, readily undertook the task; and repairing with his
employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of an hour
produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction
of Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of
acknowledgment, and doubled his allowance of beer. This
being discussed, our courier betook himself to the house of
Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of venison and this
succedaneous letter, and delivered his message to the
mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind
inquiries about the health and welfare of his master,
attempting to tip the messenger a crown, which he absolutely
refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle's repeated
caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant in
order to give directions about the disposal of the present,
Pipes looked upon this as a favourable occasion to transact
his business with Emilia, and therefore shutting one eye,
with a jerk of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and a
most significant twist of his countenance he beckoned the
young lady into another room as if he had been fraught with
something of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She
understood the hint, howsoever strangely communicated, and,
by stepping to one side of the room gave him an opportunity
of slipping the epistle into her hand, which he gently
squeezed at the same time in token of regard: then throwing
a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clapped
his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending
secrecy and discretion.
Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not
help smiling at Tom's politeness and dexterity; but lest her
mamma should detect him in the execution of his pantomime,
she broke off this intercourse of signs, by asking aloud
when he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester?
When he answered, "To-morrow morning." Miss Gauntlet
recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman,
desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was
kept to supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young
heroine, impatient to read her lover's billet, which made
her heart throb with rapturous expectation, retired to her
chamber as soon as possible, with a view of perusing the
contents, which were these:—
"Divine Empress Of My Soul,—If the refulgent flames of
your
beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported
brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of
stolidity,
perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine
illustrious
through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity
transcend
the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a gray
goose
quill! But, ah! celestial enchantress! the necromancy of thy
tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine
chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt I must
eternally
remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe,
therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial
sphere!
to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy
benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which
hath
frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.—Thy most
egregious admirer and superlative slave,
"Peregrine Pickle."
Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of
Emilia, when she read this curious composition, which she
repeated verbatim three times before she would credit the
evidence of her own senses. She began to fear in good
earnest that love had produced a disorder in her lover's
understanding; but after a thousand conjectures by which she
attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian of
style, she concluded that it was the effect of mere levity,
calculated to ridicule the passion he had formerly
professed. Irritated by this supposition, she resolved to
balk his triumph with affected indifference, and in the mean
time endeavoured to expel him from that place which he
possessed within her heart. And indeed such a victory over
her inclinations might have been obtained without great
difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could
accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and her
vivacity, by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from
the keener sensations of sorrow. Thus determined and
disposed, she did not send any sort of answer, or the least
token of remembrance by Pipes, who was suffered to depart
with a general compliment from the mother, and arrived at
Winchester the next day.
Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come
in, and he stretched out his hand in full confidence of
receiving some particular mark of his Emilia's affection;
but how was he confounded, when he found his hope so cruelly
disappointed! In an instant his countenance fell. He stood
for some time silent and abashed, then thrice repeated the
interrogation of "What! not one word from Emilia?" and
dubious of his courier's discretion, inquired minutely into
all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had
seen the young lady, if she was in good health, if he had
found an opportunity of delivering his letter, and how she
looked, when he put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that
he had never seen her in better health or better spirits;
that he had managed matters so as not only to present the
billet unperceived, but also to ask her commands in private
before he took his leave, when she told him that the letter
required no reply. This last circumstance he considered as a
manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips with
resentment. Upon further reflection, however, he supposed
that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and
would undoubtedly favour him by the post. This consideration
consoled him for the present, and he waited impatiently for
the fruits of his hope; but after he had seen eight days
elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had
flattered himself, his temper forsook him, he raved against
the whole sex, and was seized with a fit of sullen chagrin;
but his pride in a little time came to his assistance, and
rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy fiend. He
resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungrateful
mistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former
serenity; and though by this time he was pretty well cured
of his foppery, he appeared again at public diversions with
an air of gaiety and unconcern, that Emilia might have a
chance of hearing how much, in all likelihood, he
disregarded her disdain.
There are never wanting certain officious persons, who
take pleasure in promoting intelligence of this sort. His
behaviour soon reached the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and
confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived from his
letter; so that she fortified herself in her former
sentiments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy,
Thus a correspondence, which had commenced with all the
tenderness and sincerity of love, and every promise of
duration, was interrupted in its infancy by a
misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity of Pipes, who
never once reflected upon the consequences of his deceit.
Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed
for the present, it was not altogether extinguished, but
glowed in secret, though even to themselves unknown, until
an occasion, which afterwards offered, blew up the latent
flame, and love resumed his empire in their breasts. While
they moved, as it were, without the sphere of each other's
attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in danger
of involving himself in some pernicious engagement,
resolved, by advice of Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish
priest, to recall him from the place where he had contracted
such imprudent connections, and send him to the university,
where his education might be completed, and his fancy weaned
from all puerile amusements.
This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as
hath been already observed, stood always neuter in
everything that concerned his eldest son; and as for Mrs.
Pickle, she had never heard his name mentioned since his
departure with any degree of temper or tranquility, except
when her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of
being ruined by this indiscreet amour. It was then she began
to applaud her own foresight, which had discerned the mark
of reprobation in that vicious boy, and launched out in
comparison between him and Gammy, who, she observed, was a
child of uncommon parts and solidity, and, with the blessing
of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament
to the family.
Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so
much, was in every respect the reverse of what she
described; that he was a boy of mean capacity, and, though
remarkably distorted in his body, much more crooked in his
disposition; and that she had persuaded her husband to
espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense,
as well as to his own perception;—I am afraid the reader
will think I represent a monster that never existed in
nature, and be apt to condemn the economy of my invention:
nevertheless, there is nothing more true than every
circumstance of what I have advanced; and I wish the
picture, singular as it is, may not be thought to resemble
more than one original.
CHAPTER XX.
Peregrine is summoned to attend his Uncle—Is more and more
hated by his own Mother—Appeals to his Father, whose
Condescension is defeated by the Dominion of his Wife.
But, waiving these reflections, let us return to
Peregrine, who received a summons to attend his uncle, and
in a few days arrived with Mr. Jolter and Pipes at the
garrison, which he filled with joy and satisfaction. The
alteration, which, during his absence, had happened in his
person, was very favourable to his appearance, which, from
that of a comely boy, was converted into that of a most
engaging youth. He was already taller than a middle-sized
man, his shape ascertained, his sinews well knit, his mien
greatly improved, and his whole figure as elegant and
graceful as if it had been cast in the same mould with the
Apollo of Belvedere.
Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing people in
his favour. The commodore, notwithstanding the advantageous
reports he had heard, found his expectation exceeded in the
person of Peregrine, and signified his approbation in the
most sanguine terms. Mrs. Trunnion was struck with his
genteel address, and received him with uncommon marks of
complacency and affection: he was caressed by all the people
in the neighbourhood, who, while they admired his
accomplishments, could not help pitying his infatuated
mother, for being deprived of that unutterable delight which
any other parent would have enjoyed in the contemplation of
such an amiable son.
Divers efforts were made by some well-disposed people to
conquer, if possible, this monstrous prejudice; but their
endeavours, instead of curing, served only to inflame the
distemper, and she never could be prevailed upon to indulge
him with the least mark of maternal regard. On the contrary,
her original disgust degenerated into such inveteracy of
hatred, that she left no stone unturned to alienate the
commodore's affection for this her innocent child, and even
practised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her
purpose. Every day, did she abuse her husband's ear with
some forged instance of Peregrine's ingratitude to his
uncle, well knowing that it would reach the commodore's
knowledge at night.
Accordingly Mr. Pickle used to tell him at the club, that
his hopeful favourite had ridiculed him in such a company,
and aspersed his spouse on another occasion; and thus retail
the little scandalous issue of his own wife's invention.
Luckily for Peregrine, the commodore paid no great regard to
the authority of his informer, because he knew from what
channel the intelligence flowed; besides, the youth had a
staunch friend in Mr. Hatchway, who never failed to
vindicate him when he was thus unjustly accused, and always
found argument enough to confute the assertions of his
enemies. But, though Trunnion had been dubious of the young
gentleman's principles, and deaf to the remonstrances of the
lieutenant, Perry was provided with a bulwark strong enough
to defend him from all such assaults. This was no other than
his aunt, whose regard for him was perceived to increase in
the same proportion as his own mother's diminished; and,
indeed, the augmentation of the one was, in all probability,
owing to the decrease of the other; for the two ladies, with
great civility, performed all the duties of good
neighbourhood, and hated each other most piously in their
hearts.
Mrs. Pickle, having been disobliged at the splendour of
her sister's new equipage, had, ever since that time, in the
course of her visiting, endeavoured to make people merry
with satirical jokes on the poor lady's infirmities; and
Mrs. Trunnion seized the very first opportunity of making
reprisals, by inveighing against her unnatural behaviour to
her own child; so that Peregrine, as on the one hand he was
abhorred, so on the other was he caressed, in consequence of
this contention; and I firmly believe that the most
effectual method of destroying his interest at the garrison,
would have been the show of countenancing him at his
father's house; but, whether this conjecture be reasonable
or chimerical, certain it is the experiment was never tried,
and therefore Mr. Peregrine ran no risk of being disgraced.
The commodore, who assumed, and justly too, the whole merit
of his education, was now as proud of the youth's
improvements as if he had actually been his own offspring;
and sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of
enthusiasm, that he verily believed him to be the issue of
his own loins. Notwithstanding this favourable predicament
in which our hero stood with his aunt and her husband, he
could not help feeling the injury he suffered from the
caprice of his mother; and though the gaiety of his
disposition hindered him from afflicting himself with
reflections of any gloomy cast, he did not fail to foresee,
that if any sudden accident should deprive him of the
commodore, he would in all likelihood find himself in a very
disagreeable situation. Prompted by this consideration, he
one evening accompanied his uncle to the club, and was
introduced to his father, before that worthy gentleman had
the least inkling of his arrival.
Mr. Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this
reencounter. His own disposition would not suffer him to do
anything that might create the least disturbance, or
interrupt his enjoyment; so strongly was he impressed with
the terror of his wife, that he durst not yield to the
tranquility of his temper: and, as I have already observed,
his inclination was perfectly neutral. Thus distracted
between different motives, when Perry was presented to him,
he sat silent and absorbed, as if he did not or would not
perceive the application; and when he was urged to declare
himself by the youth, who pathetically begged to know how he
had incurred his displeasure, he answered, in a peevish
strain, "Why, good now, child, what would you have me to do?
your mother can't abide you."—"If my mother is so unkind, I
will not call it unnatural," said Peregrine, the tears of
indignation starting from his eyes, "as to banish me from
her presence and affection, without the least cause
assigned; I hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse her
barbarous prejudice."
Before Mr. Pickle had time to reply to his expostulation,
for which he was not at all prepared, the commodore
interposed, and enforced his favourite's remonstrance, by
telling Mr. Gamaliel that he was ashamed to see any man
drive in such a miserable manner under his wife's petticoat.
"As for my own part," said he, raising his voice, and
assuming a look of importance and command, "before I would
suffer myself to be steered all weathers by any woman in
Christendom, d'ye see, I'd raise such a hurricane about her
ears, that—" Here he was interrupted by Mr. Hatchway, who
thrusting his head towards the door, in the attitude of one
that listens, cried, "Ahey, there's your spouse come to pay
us a visit." Trunnion's features that instant adopted a new
disposition; fear and confusion took possession of his
countenance; his voice, from a tone of vociferation, sank
into a whisper of, "Sure, you must be mistaken, Jack;" and,
in great perplexity, he wiped off his sweat which had
started on his forehead at this false alarm. The lieutenant,
having thus punished him for the rodomontade he had uttered,
told him, with an arch sneer, that he was deceived with the
sound of the outward door creaking upon its hinges, which he
mistook for Mrs. Trunnion's voice, and desired him to
proceed with his admonitions to Mr. Pickle. It is not to be
denied that this arrogance was a little unseasonable to the
commodore, who was in all respects as effectually subdued to
the dominion of his wife as the person whose submission he
then ventured to condemn; with this difference of
disposition—, Trunnion's subjection was like that of a bear,
chequered with fits of surliness and rage; whereas Pickle
bore the yoke like an ox, without repining. No wonder, then,
that this indolence, this sluggishness, this stagnation of
temper rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding the
arguments and importunity of his friends, to which he at
length surrendered. He acquiesced in the justice of their
observations: and, taking his son by the hand, promised to
favour him for the future with his love and fatherly
protection.
But this laudable resolution did not last. Mrs. Pickle,
still dubious of his constancy, and jealous of his
communication with the commodore, never failed to
interrogate him every night about the conversation that
happened at the club, and to regulate her exhortations
according to the intelligence she received. He was no
sooner, therefore, conveyed to bed (that academy in which
all notable wives communicate their lectures), when her
catechism began; and she in a moment perceived something
reluctant and equivocal in her husband's answers. Aroused at
this discovery, she employed her influence and skill with
such success, that he disclosed every circumstance of what
had happened; and after having sustained a most severe
rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion, humbled himself
so far as to promise that he would next day annul the
condescensions he had made, and for ever renounce the
ungracious object of her disgust. This undertaking was
punctually performed in a letter to the commodore, which she
herself dictated in these words:—
"Sir—Whereas my good-nature being last night imposed
upon, I
was persuaded to countenance and promise I know not what to
that vicious youth, whose parent I have the misfortune to
be;
I desire you will take notice that I will revoke all such
countenance and promises, and shall never look upon that man
as my friend who will, in such a cause, solicit,—
Sir, yours, etc.
"Gam. Pickle."
CHAPTER XXI.
Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle—Peregrine
resents the Injustice of his Mother, to whom he explains his
Sentiments in a Letter-Is entered at the University of
Oxford, where he signalizes himself as a Youth of an
enterprising Genius.
Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion
was incensed by this absurd renunciation: he tore the letter
with his gums (teeth he had none), spit with furious
grimaces, in token of the contempt he entertain the for the
author, whom he not only damned as a lousy, scabby, nasty,
scurvy, skulking lubberly noodle, but resolved to challenge
to single combat with fire and sword; but, he was dissuaded
from this violent measure, and appeased by the intervention
and advice of the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who represented
the message as the effect of the poor man's infirmity, for
which he was rather an object of pity than of resentment,
and turned the stream of his indignation against the wife,
whom he reviled accordingly. Nor did Peregrine himself bear
with patience this injurious declaration, the nature of
which he no sooner understood from Hatchway than, equally
shocked and exasperated, he retired to his apartment, and,
in the first emotions of his ire, produced the following
epistle, which was immediately conveyed to his mother,—
"Madam,—Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight, and
inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was
detestable,
perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of your
affection
and applause; seeing you have persecuted me with such
unnatural
aversion, for no other visible reason than that of my
differing
so widely in shape as well as disposition from that deformed
urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If
these be
the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour, I pray
God
you may never cease to hate,—Madam, your much-injured son,
"Peregrine Pickle."
This letter, which nothing, but his passion and
inexperience could excuse, had such an effect upon his
mother as may be easily conceived. She was enraged to a
degree of frenzy against the writer; though, at the same
time, she considered the whole as the production of Mrs.
Trunnion's particular pique, and represented it to her
husband as an insult that he was bound in honour to resent,
by breaking off all correspondence with the commodore and
his family. This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who, through
a long course of years, was so habituated to Trunnion's
company, that he could as easily have parted with a limb as
have relinquished the club all at once. He therefore
ventured to represent his own incapacity to follow her
advice, and begged that he might, at least, be allowed to
drop the connection gradually, protesting that he would do
his endeavour to give her all manner of satisfaction.
Meanwhile preparations were made for Peregrine's
departure to the university, and in a few weeks he set out,
in the seventeenth year of his age, accompanied by the same
attendants who lived with him at Winchester. His uncle laid
strong injunctions upon him to avoid the company of immodest
women, to mind his learning, to let him hear of his welfare
as often as he could find time to write, and settled his
appointments at the rate of five hundred a year, including
his governor's salary, which was one-fifth part of the sum.
The heart of our young gentleman dilated at the prospect of
the figure he should make with such a handsome annuity the
management of which was left to his own discretion; and he
amused his imagination with the most agreeable reveries
during his journey to Oxford, which he performed in two
days. Here, being introduced to the head of the college, to
whom he had been recommended, accommodated with genteel
apartments, entered as gentleman commoner in the books, and
provided with a judicious tutor, instead of returning to the
study of Greek and Latin, in which he thought himself
already sufficiently instructed, he renewed his acquaintance
with some of his old school-fellows, whom he found in the
same situation, and was by them initiated in all the
fashionable diversions of the place.
It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his
spirit and humour, which were so acceptable to the bucks of
the university, that he was admitted as a member of their
corporation, and in a very little time became the most
conspicuous personage of the whole fraternity. Not that he
valued himself upon his ability in smoking the greatest
number of pipes, and drinking the largest quantity of ale:
these were qualifications of too gross a nature to captivate
his refined ambition. He piqued himself on his talent for
raillery, his genius and taste, his personal
accomplishments, and his success at intrigue. Nor were his
excursions confined to the small villages in the
neighbourhood, which are commonly visited once a week by the
students for the sake of carnal recreation. He kept his own
horses, traversed the whole country in parties of pleasure,
attended all the races within fifty miles of Oxford, and
made frequent jaunts to London, where he used to be
incognito during the best part of many a term.
The rules of the university were too severe to be
observed by a youth of his vivacity; and therefore he became
acquainted with the proctor betimes. But all the checks he
received were insufficient to moderate his career; he
frequented taverns and coffee-houses, committed midnight
frolics in the streets, insulted all the sober and pacific
class of his fellow-students: the tutors themselves were not
sacred from his ridicule; he laughed at the magistrate, and
neglected every particular of college discipline. In vain
did they attempt to restrain his irregularities by the
imposition of fines; he was liberal to profusion, and
therefore paid without reluctance. Thrice did he scale the
windows of a tradesman, with whose daughter he had an affair
of gallantry; as often was he obliged to seek his safety by
a precipitate leap; and one night would, in all probability,
have fallen a sacrifice to an ambuscade that was laid by the
father, had not his trusty squire Pipes interposed in his
behalf, and manfully rescued him from the clubs of his
enemies.
In the midst of these excesses, Mr. Jolter, finding his
admonitions neglected and his influence utterly destroyed,
attempted to wean his pupil from his extravagant courses, by
engaging his attention in some more laudable pursuit. With
this view he introduced him into a club of politicians, who
received him with great demonstrations of regard,
accommodated themselves more than he could have expected to
his jovial disposition, and while they revolved schemes for
the reformation of the state, drank with such devotion to
the accomplishment of their plans, that, before parting, the
cares of their patriotism were quite overwhelmed.
Peregrine, though he could not approve of their doctrine,
resolved to attach himself for some time to their company,
because he perceived ample subject for his ridicule in the
characters of these wrong-headed enthusiasts. It was a
constant practice with them, in their midnight consistories,
to swallow such plentiful draughts of inspiration, that
their mysteries commonly ended like those of the
Bacchanalian orgia; and they were seldom capable of
maintaining that solemnity of decorum which, by the nature
of their functions, most of them were obliged to profess.
Now, as Peregrine's satirical disposition was never more
gratified than when he had an opportunity of exposing grave
characters in ridiculous attitudes, he laid a mischievous
snare for his new confederates, which took effect in this
manner:—In one of their nocturnal deliberations, he promoted
such a spirit of good fellowship by the agreeable sallies of
his wit, which were purposely leveled against their
political adversaries, that by ten o'clock they were all
ready to join in the most extravagant proposal that could be
made. They broke their glasses in consequence of his
suggestion, drank healths out of their shoes, caps, and the
bottoms of the candlesticks that stood before them,
sometimes standing with one foot on a chair, and the knee
bent on the edge of the table; and when they could no longer
stand in that posture, setting their bare posteriors on the
cold floor. They huzzaed, hallooed, danced, and sang, and,
in short, were elevated to such a pitch of intoxication,
that when Peregrine proposed that they should burn their
periwigs, the hint was immediately approved, and they
executed the frolic as one man. Their shoes and caps
underwent the same fate by the same instigation, and in this
trim he led them forth into the street, where they resolved
to compel everybody they should find to subscribe to their
political creed, and pronounce the Shibboleth of their
party. In the achievement of this enterprise, they met with
more opposition than they expected; they were encountered
with arguments which they could not well withstand; the
noses of some, and eyes of others, in a very little time
bore the marks of obstinate disputation. Their conductor
having at length engaged the whole body in a fray with
another squadron which was pretty much in the same
condition, he very fairly gave them the slip, and slyly
retreated to his apartment, foreseeing that his companions
would soon be favoured with the notice of their superiors:
nor was he deceived in his prognostic; the proctor, going
his round, chanced to fall in with this tumultuous uproar,
and, interposing his authority, found means to quiet the
disturbance. He took cognizance of their names, and
dismissed the rioters to their respective chambers, not a
little scandalized at the behaviour of some among them,
whose business and duty it was to set far other examples for
the youth under their care and direction.
About midnight, Pipes, who had orders to attend at a
distance, and keep an eye upon Jolter, brought home that
unfortunate governor upon his back, Peregrine having
beforehand secured his admittance into the college; and
among other bruises, he was found to have received a couple
of contusions on his face, which next morning appeared in a
black circle that surrounded each eye.
This was a mortifying circumstance to a man of his
character and deportment, especially as he had received a
message from the proctor, who desired to see him forthwith.
With great humility and contrition he begged the advice of
his pupil, who being used to amuse himself with painting,
assured Mr. Jolter that he would cover those signs of
disgrace with a slight coat of flesh-colour so dexterously,
that it would be almost impossible to distinguish the
artificial from the natural skin. The rueful governor,
rather than expose such opprobrious tokens to the
observation and censure of the magistrate, submitted to the
expedient. Although his counsellor had overrated his own
skill, he was persuaded to confide in the disguise, and
actually attended the proctor, with such a staring addition
to the natural ghastliness of his features, that his visage
bore a very apt resemblance to some of those ferocious
countenances that hang over the doors of certain taverns and
ale-houses, under the denomination of the Saracen's head.
Such a remarkable alteration of physiognomy could not
escape the notice of the most undiscerning beholder, much
less the penetrating eye of his severe judge, already
whetted with what he had seen over-night. He was therefore
upbraided with this ridiculous and shallow artifice, and,
together with the companions of his debauch, underwent such
a cutting reprimand for the scandalous irregularity of his
conduct, that all of them remained crest-fallen, and were
ashamed, for many weeks, to appear in the public execution
of their duty.
Peregrine was too vain of his finesse, to conceal the
part he acted in this comedy, with the particulars of which
he regaled his companions, and thereby entailed upon himself
the hate and resentment of the community whose maxims and
practices he had disclosed: for he was considered as a spy,
who had intruded himself into their society, with a view of
betraying it; or, at best, as an apostate and renegado from
the faith and principles which he had professed.
CHAPTER XXII.
He is insulted by his Tutor, whom he lampoons—Makes a
considerable Progress in Polite Literature; and, in an
Excursion to Windsor, meets with Emilia by accident, and is
very coldly received.
Among those who suffered by his craft and infidelity was
Mr. Jumble, his own tutor, who could not at all digest the
mortifying affront he had received, and was resolved to be
revenged on the insulting author. With this view he watched
the conduct of Mr. Pickle with the utmost rancour of
vigilance, and let slip no opportunity of treating him
disrespect, which he knew the disposition of his pupil could
less brook than any other severity it was in his power to
exercise.
Peregrine had been several mornings absent from chapel;
and as Mr. Jumble never failed to question him in a very
peremptory style about his non-attendance, he invented some
very plausible excuses; but at length his ingenuity was
exhausted: he received a very galling rebuke for his
proffigacy of morals; and, that he might feel it the more
sensibly, was ordered, by way of exercise, to compose a
paraphrase in English verse upon these two lines in Virgil:—
Vane Ligur, frustraque animis elate superbis,
Nequicquam patrias tentasti lubricus artes.
The imposition of this invidious theme had all the
desired effect upon Peregrine, who not only considered it as
a piece of unmannerly abuse leveled against his own conduct,
but also a retrospective insult on the memory of his
grandfather, who, as he had been informed, was in his
lifetime more noted for his cunning than candour in trade.
Exasperated at this instance of the pedant's audacity, he
had well nigh, in his first transports, taken corporal
satisfaction on the spot; but, foreseeing the troublesome
consequences that would attend such a flagrant outrage
against the laws of the university, he checked his
indignation, and resolved to revenge the injury in a more
cool and contemptuous manner. Thus determined, he set on
foot an inquiry into the particulars of Jumble's parentage
and education. He learnt that the father of this insolent
tutor was a brick-layer, that his mother sold pies, and that
the son, in different periods of his youth, had amused
himself in both occupations, before he converted his views
to the study of learning. Fraught with this intelligence, he
composed the following ballad in doggerel rhymes; and next
day, presented it as a gloss upon the text which the tutor
had chosen:—
Come, listen, ye students of every degree;
I sing of a wit and a tutor perdie,
A statesman profound, a critic immense,
In short a mere jumble of learning and sense;
And yet of his talents though laudably vain,
His own family arts he could never attain.
His father, intending his fortune to build,
In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield,
But the mortar of discipline never would stick,
For his skull was secured by a facing of brick;
And with all his endeavours of patience and pain,
The skill of his sire he could never attain.
His mother, a housewife neat, artful, and wise,
Renown'd for her delicate biscuit and pies,
soon alter'd his studies, by flattering his taste,
From the raising of walls to the rearing of paste!
But all her instructions were fruitless and vain;
The pie-making mystery he ne'er could attain.
Yet true to his race, in his labours were seen
A jumble of both their professions, I ween;
For, when his own genius he ventured to trust,
His pies seemed of brick, and his houses of crust.
Then good Mr. Tutor, pray be not so vain,
Since your family arts you could never attain.
This impudent production was the most effectual vengeance
he could have taken on his tutor, who had all the
supercilious arrogance and ridiculous pride of a low-born
pedant. Instead of overlooking this petulant piece of satire
with that temper and decency of disdain that became a person
of his gravity and station, he no sooner cast his eye over
the performance, than the blood rushed into his countenance,
and immediately after exhibited a ghastly pale colour. With
a quivering lip, he told his pupil, that he was an
impertinent jackanapes; and he would take care that he
should be expelled from the university, for having presumed
to write and deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel.
Peregrine answered, with great resolution, that when the
provocation he had received should be known, he was
persuaded that he should be acquitted by the opinion of all
impartial people; and that he was ready to submit the whole
to the decision of the master.
This arbitration he proposed, because he knew the master
and Jumble were at variance; and, for that reason, the tutor
durst not venture to put the cause on such an issue. Nay,
when this reference was mentioned, Jumble, who was naturally
jealous, suspected that Peregrine had a promise of
protection before he undertook to commit such an outrageous
insult; and this notion had such an effect upon him, that he
decided to devour his vexation, and wait for a more proper
opportunity of gratifying his hate. Meanwhile, copies of the
ballad were distributed among the students, who sang it
under the very nose of Mr. Jumble, to the tune of "A Cobbler
there was" etc.; and the triumph of our hero was complete.
Neither was his whole time devoted to the riotous
extravagancies of youth. He enjoyed many lucid intervals,
during which he contracted a more intimate acquaintance with
the classics, applied himself to the reading of history,
improved his taste for painting and music, in which he made
some progress; and, above all things, cultivated the study
of natural philosophy. It was generally after a course of
close attention to some of these arts and sciences, that his
disposition broke out into those irregularities and wild
sallies of a luxuriant imagination, for which he became so
remarkable; and he was perhaps the only young man in Oxford
who, at the same time, maintained an intimate and friendly
intercourse with the most unthinking, as well as the most
sedate students at the university.
It is not to be supposed that a young man of Peregrine's
vanity, inexperience, and profusion, could suit his expense
to his allowance, liberal as it was—for he was not one of
those fortunate people who are born economists, and knew not
the art of withholding his purse when he saw his companion
in difficulty. Thus naturally generous and expensive, he
squandered away his money, and made a most splendid
appearance upon the receipt of his quarterly appointment;
but long before the third month was elapsed, his finances
were consumed: and as he could not stoop to ask an
extraordinary supply, was too proud to borrow, and too
haughty to run in debt with tradesmen, he devoted those
periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies, and
shone forth again at the revolution of quarter-day.
In one of these eruptions he and some of his companions
went to Windsor, in order to see the royal apartments in the
castle, whither they repaired in the afternoon; and as
Peregrine stood contemplating the picture of Hercules and
Omphale, one of his fellow-students whispered in his car,
"Zounds! Pickle, there are two fine girls!" He turned
instantly about, and in one of them recognized his almost
forgotten Emilia; her appearance acted upon his imagination
like a spark of fire that falls among gun-powder; that
passion which had lain dormant for the space of two years,
flashed up in a moment, and he was seized with a
trepidation. She perceived and partook of his emotion; for
their souls, like unisons, vibrated with the same impulse.
However, she called her pride and resentment to her aid, and
found resolution enough to retire from such a dangerous
scene.
Alarmed at her retreat, he recollected all his assurance,
and, impelled by love, which he could no longer resist,
followed her into the next room, where, in the most
disconcerted manner, he accosted her with "Your humble
servant, Miss Gauntlet;" to which salutation she replied,
with an affectation of indifference, that did not, however,
conceal her agitation, "Your servant, sir;" and immediately
extending her finger toward the picture of Duns Scotus,
which is fixed over one of the doors, asked her companion,
in a giggling tone, if she did not think he looked like a
conjurer? Peregrine, nettled into spirits by this reception,
answered for the other lady, "that it was an easy matter to
be a conjurer in those times, when the simplicity of the age
assisted his divination; but were he, or Merlin himself, to
rise from the dead now, when such deceit and dissimulation
prevail, they would not be able to earn their bread by the
profession."—"O! Sir," said she, turning full upon him,
"without doubt they would adopt new maxims; 'tis no
disparagement in this enlightened age for one to alter one's
opinion."—"No, sure, madam," replied the youth, with some
precipitation, "provided the change be for the better."—"And
should it happen otherwise," retorted the nymph, with a
flirt of her fan, "inconstancy will never want countenance
from the practice of mankind."-"True, madam," resumed our
hero, fixing his eyes upon her; "examples of levity are
every where to be met with."-"Oh Lord, sir," cried Emilia,
tossing her head, "you'll scarce ever find a fop without
it."
By this time his companion, seeing him engaged with one
of the ladies, entered into conversation with the other;
and, in order to favour his friend's gallantry, conducted
her into the next apartment, on pretence of entertaining her
with the sight of a remarkable piece of painting.
Peregrine, laying hold on this opportunity of being alone
with the object of his love, assumed a most seducing
tenderness of look, and, heaving a profound sigh, asked if
she had utterly discarded him from her remembrance.
Reddening at this pathetic question, which recalled the
memory of the imagined slight he had put upon her, she
answered in great confusion, "Sir, I believe I once had the
pleasure of seeing you at a ball in Winchester."—"Miss
Emilia," said he, very gravely, "will you be so candid as to
tell me what misbehaviour of mine you are pleased to punish,
by restricting your remembrance to that single
occasion?"—"Mr. Pickle," she replied, in the same tone, "it
is neither my province nor inclination to judge your
conduct; and therefore you misapply your question when you
ask such an explanation of me"—"At least" resumed our lover,
"give me the melancholy satisfaction to know for what
offence of mine you refused to take least notice of that
letter which I had the honour to write from Winchester by
your own express permission."—"Your letter," said miss, with
great vivacity, "neither required, nor, in my opinion,
deserved an answer; and to be free with you, Mr. Pickle, it
was but a shallow artifice to rid yourself of a
correspondence you had deigned to solicit."
Peregrine, confounded at this repartee, replied that
howsoever he might have failed in point of elegance or
discretion, he was sure he had not been deficient in
expressions of respect and devotion for those charms which
it was his pride to adore: "As for the verses," said he, "I
own they were unworthy of the theme; but I flattered myself
that they would have merited your acceptance, though not
your approbation, and been considered not so much as the
proof of my genius, as the genuine effusion of my
love."—"Verses," cried Emilia with an air of astonishment,
"what verses? I really don't understand you."
The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this
exclamation; to which, after a long pause, he answered: "I
begin to suspect, and heartily wish it may appear, that we
have misunderstood each other from the beginning. Pray, Miss
Gauntlet, did you not find a copy of verses inclosed in that
unfortunate letter?"—"Truly, sit," said the lady, "I am not
so much of a connoisseur as to distinguish whether that
facetious production, which you merrily style as an
unfortunate letter, was composed in verse or prose; but
methinks, the jest is a little too stale to be brought upon
the carpet again." So saying, she tripped away to her
companion, and left her lover in a most tumultuous suspense.
He now perceived that her neglect of his addresses when he
was at Winchester, must have been owing to some mystery
which he could not comprehend; and she began to suspect and
to hope that the letter which she received was spurious,
though she could not conceive how that could possibly
happen, as it had been delivered to her by the hands of his
own servant.
However, she resolved to leave the task of unravelling
this affair to him, who, she knew, would infallibly exert
himself for his own as well as her satisfaction. She was not
deceived in her opinion: he went up to her again at the
staircase, and, as they were improvided with a male
attendant, insisted upon squiring the ladies to their
lodgings. Emilia saw his drift, which was no other than to
know where she lived; and though she approved of his
contrivance, thought it was incumbent upon her, for the
support of her own dignity, to decline the chivalry; she
therefore thanked him for his polite offer, but would by no
means consent to his giving himself such unnecessary
trouble, especially as they had a very little way to walk.
He was not repulsed by this refusal, the nature of which he
perfectly understood; nor was she sorry to see him persevere
in his determination: he therefore accompanied them in their
return, and made divers efforts to speak with Emilia in
particular; but she had a spice of the coquette in her
disposition, and being determined to whet his impatience,
artfully baffled all his endeavours, by keeping her
companion continually engaged in the conversation, which
turned upon the venerable appearance and imperial situation
of the place. Thus tantalized, he lounged with them to the
door of the house in which they lodged, when his mistress,
perceiving, by the countenance of her comrade, that she was
on the point of desiring him to walk in, checked her
intention with a frown; then, turning to Mr. Pickle, dropped
him a very formal curtsy, seized the other young lady by the
arm, and saying, "Come, cousin Sophy," vanished in a moment.
CHAPTER XXIII.
After sundry unsuccessful Efforts, he finds means to come to
an Explanation with his Mistress; and a Reconciliation
ensues.
Peregrine, disconcerted at their sudden disappearance,
stood for some minutes gaping in the street, before he could
get the better of his surprise; and then deliberated with
himself whether he should demand immediate admittance to his
mistress, or choose some other method of application. Piqued
at her abrupt behaviour, though pleased with her spirit, he
set his invention to work, in order to contrive some means
of seeing her: and in a fit of musing arrived at the inn,
where he found his companions, whom he had left at the
castle-gate. They had already made inquiry about the ladies;
in consequence of which he learnt that Miss Sophy was
daughter of a gentleman in town to which his mistress was
related; that an intimate friendship subsisted between the
two young ladies; that Emilia had lived almost a month with
her cousin, and appeared at the last assembly, where she was
universally admired: and that several young gentlemen of
fortune had since that time teased her with addresses.
Our hero's ambition was flattered, and his passion
inflamed with this intelligence; and he swore within himself
that he would not quit the spot until he should have
obtained an undisputed victory over all his rivals.
That same evening he composed a most eloquent epistle, in
which he earnestly entreated that she would favour him with
an opportunity of vindicating his conduct: but she would
neither receive his billet, nor see his messenger. Balked in
this effort, he inclosed it in a new cover directed by
another hand, and ordered Pipes to ride next morning to
London, on purpose to deliver it at the post-office; that
coming by such conveyance she might have no suspicion of the
author, and open it before she should be aware of the
deceit.
Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this
stratagem, and, in the afternoon of the fourth, ventured to
hazard a formal visit, in quality of an old acquaintance.
But here too he failed in his attempt: she was indisposed,
and could not see company. These obstacles served only to
increase his eagerness: he still adhered to his former
resolution; and his companions, understanding his
determination, left him next day to his own inventions. Thus
relinquished to his own ideas, he doubled his assiduity, and
practised every method his imagination could suggest, in
order to promote his plan.
Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her
door, that he might be able to give his master an account of
her motions; but she never went abroad except to visit in
the neighbourhood, and was always housed before Peregrine
could be apprised of her appearance. He went to church with
a view of attracting her notice, and humbled his deportment
before her; but she was so mischievously devout as to look
at nothing but her book, so that he was not favoured with
one glance of regard. He frequented the coffee-house, and
attempted to contract an acquaintance with Miss Sophy's
father, who, he hoped, would invite him to his house: but
this expectation was also defeated. That prudent gentleman
looked upon him as one of those forward fortune-hunters who
go about the country seeking whom they may devour, and
warily discouraged all his advances. Chagrined by so many
unsuccessful endeavours, he began to despair of
accomplishing his aim; and, as the last suggestion of his
art, paid off his lodging, took horse at noon, and departed,
in all appearance, for the place from whence he had come. He
rode, but a few miles, and in the dusk of the evening
returned unseen, alighted at another inn, ordered Pipes to
stay within doors, and keeping himself incognito, employed
another person as a sentinel upon Emilia.
It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his
ingenuity. Next day in the afternoon he was informed by his
spy that the two young ladies were gone to walk in the park,
whither he followed them on the instant, fully determined to
come to an explanation with his mistress, even in presence
of her friend, who might possibly be prevailed upon to
interest herself in his behalf.
When he saw them at such a distance that they could not
return to town before he should have an opportunity of
putting his resolution in practice, he mended his pace, and
found means to appear before them so suddenly, that Emilia
could not help expressing her surprise in a scream. Our
lover, putting on a mien of humility and mortification,
begged to know if her resentment was implacable; and asked
why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common
privilege that every criminal enjoyed. "Dear Miss Sophy,"
said he, addressing himself to her companion, "give me leave
to implore your intercession with your cousin. I am sure you
have humanity enough to espouse my cause, did you but know
the justice of it; and I flatter myself that by your kind
interposition I may be able to rectify that fatal
misunderstanding which hath made me wretched."—"Sir," said
Sophy, "you appear like a gentleman, and I doubt not but
your behaviour has been always suitable to your appearance;
but you must excuse me from undertaking any such office in
behalf of a person whom I have not the honour to
know."—"Madam," answered Peregrine, "I hope Miss Emy will
justify my pretensions to that character, notwithstanding
the mystery of her displeasure, which, upon my honour, I
cannot for my soul explain."—"Lord! Mr. Pickle," said
Emilia, who had by this time recollected herself, "I never
questioned your gallantry and taste; but I am resolved that
you shall never have cause to exercise your talents at my
expense; so that you tease yourself and me to no purpose.
Come, Sophy, let us walk home again."—"Good God! madam,"
cried the lover, with great emotion, "why will you distract
me with such barbarous indifference? Stay, dear Emilia!—I
conjure you on my knees to stay and hear me. By all that is
sacred, I was not to blame. You must have been imposed upon
by some villain who envied my good fortune, and took some
treacherous method to ruin my love."
Miss Sophy, who possessed a large stock of good nature,
and to whom her cousin had communicated the cause of her
reserve, seeing the young gentleman so much affected with
that disdain which she knew to be feigned, laid hold on
Emilia's sleeve, saying, with a smile, "Not quite so fast,
Emily. I begin to perceive that this is a love-quarrel, and
therefore there may be hopes of a reconciliation; for I
suppose both parties are open to conviction."—"For my own
part," cried Peregrine, with great eagerness, "I appeal to
Miss Sophy's decision. But why do I say appeal? Though I am
conscious of having committed no offence, I am ready to
submit to any penance, let it be never so rigorous, that my
fair enslaver herself shall impose, provided it will entitle
me to her favour and forgiveness at last." Emily, well nigh
overcome by this declaration, told him, that as she taxed
him with no guilt, she expected no atonement, and pressed
her companion to return to town. But Sophy, who was too
indulgent to her friend's real inclination to comply with
her request, observed that the gentleman seemed so
reasonable in his concessions, that she began to think her
cousin was in the wrong, and felt herself disposed to act as
umpire in the dispute.
Overjoyed at this condescension, Mr. Pickle thanked her
in the most rapturous terms, and, in the transport of his
expectation, kissed the hand of his kind mediatrix—a
circumstance which had a remarkable effect on the
countenance of Emilia, who did not seem to relish the warmth
of his acknowledgment.
After many supplications on one hand, and pressing
remonstrances on the other, she yielded at length, and,
turning to her lover while her face was overspread with
blushes,—"Well, sir," said she, "supposing I were to put the
difference on that issue, how could you excuse the
ridiculous letter which you sent to me from Winchester?"
This expostulation introduced a discussion of the whole
affair, in which all the circumstances were canvassed; and
Emilia still affirmed, with great heat, that the letter must
have been calculated to affront her; for she could not
suppose the author was so weak as to design it for any other
purpose.
Peregrine, who still retained in his memory the substance
of this unlucky epistle, as well as the verses which were
inclosed, could recollect no particular expression which
could have justly given the least umbrage; and therefore, in
the agonies of perplexity, begged that the whole might be
submitted to the judgment of Miss Sophy, and faithfully
promised to stand to her award. In short, this proposal was,
with seeming reluctance, embraced by Emilia, and an
appointment made to meet next day in the place, whither both
parties were desired to come provided with their
credentials, according to which definitive sentence would be
pronounced.
Our lover, having succeeded thus far, overwhelmed Sophy
with acknowledgments on account of her generous mediation;
and in the course of their walk, which Emilia was now in no
hurry to conclude, whispered a great many tender
protestations in the ear of his mistress, who nevertheless
continued to act upon the reserve, until her doubts should
be more fully resolved.
Mr. Pickle, having found means to amuse them in the
fields till the twilight, was obliged to wish them good
even, after having obtained a solemn repetition of their
promise to meet him at the appointed time and place, and
then retreated to his apartment, where he spent the whole
night in various conjectures on the subject of the letter,
the Gordian knot of which he could by no means untie. One
while he imagined that some wag had played a trick on his
messenger, in consequence of which Emilia had received a
supposititious letter; but, upon farther reflection, he
could not conceive the practicability of any such deceit.
Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his mistress, who
perhaps had only made that a handle for discarding him, at
the request of some favoured rival; but his own integrity
forbade him to harbour this mean suspicion; and therefore he
was again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity. Next day
he waited on the rack of impatience for the hour of five in
the afternoon, which no sooner struck than he ordered Pipes
to attend him, in case there should be occasion for his
evidence, and repaired to the place of rendezvous, where he
had not tarried five minutes before the ladies appeared.
Mutual compliments being passed, and the attendant stationed
at a convenient distance, Peregrine persuaded them to sit
down upon the grass, under the shade of a spreading oak,
that they might be more at their ease; while he stretched
himself at their feet, and desired that the paper on which
his doom depended might be examined. It was accordingly put
into the hand of his fair arbitress, who read it immediately
with an audible voice. The first two words of it were no
sooner pronounced, than he started, with great emotion, and
raised himself upon his hand and knee, in which posture he
listened to the rest of the sentence; then sprang upon his
feet in the utmost astonishment, and, glowing with
resentment at the same time, exclaimed, "Hell and the devil!
what's all that? Sure you make a jest of me, madam!"—"Pray,
sir," said Sophy, "give me the hearing for a few moments,
and then urge what you shall think proper in your own
defence." Having thus cautioned him, she proceeded; but
before she had finished one-half of the performance, her
gravity forsook her, and she was seized with a violent fit
of laughter, in which neither of the lovers could help
joining, notwithstanding the resentment which at that
instant prevailed in the breasts of both. The judge,
however, in a little time, resumed her solemnity, and having
read the remaining part of this curious epistle, all three
continued staring at each other alternately for the space of
half a minute, and then broke forth at the same instant in
another paroxysm of mirth. From this unanimous convulsion,
one would have thought that both parties were extremely well
pleased with a joke, yet this was by no means the case.
Emilia imagined that, notwithstanding his affected
surprise, her lover, in spite of himself, had received the
laugh at her expense, and in so doing applauded his own
unmannerly ridicule. This supposition could not fail of
raising and reviving her indignation, while Peregrine highly
resented the indignity, with which he supposed himself
treated, in their attempting to make him the dupe of such a
gross and ludicrous artifice. This being the situation of
their thoughts, their mirth was succeeded by a mutual
gloominess of aspect; and the judge, addressing herself to
Mr. Pickle, asked if he had anything to offer why sentence
should not be pronounced? "Madam," answered the culprit, "I
am sorry to find myself so low in the opinion of your cousin
as to be thought capable of being deceived by such shallow
contrivance."—"Nay, sir," said Emilia, "the contrivance is
your own; and I cannot help admiring your confidence in
imputing it to me."—"Upon my honour, Miss Emily, resumed our
hero, "you wrong my understanding, as well as my love, in
accusing me of having written such a silly, impertinent
performance. The very appearance and address of it is so
unlike the letter which I did myself the honour to write,
that I dare say my man, even at this distance of time, will
remember the difference."
So saying, he extended his voice, and beckoned to Pipes,
who immediately drew near. His mistress seemed to object to
the evidence, by observing that to be sure Mr. Pipes had his
cue; when Peregrine, begging she would spare him the
mortification of considering him in such a dishonourable
light, desired his valet to examine the outside of the
letter, and recollect if it was the same which he had
delivered to Miss Gauntlet about two years ago. Pipes,
having taken a superficial view of it, pulled up his
breeches, saying, "Mayhap it is, but we have made so many
trips, and been in so many creeks and corners since that
time, that I can't pretend to be certain; for I neither keep
journal nor log-book of our proceedings." Emilia commended
him for his candour, at the same time darting a sarcastic
look at his master, as if she thought he had tampered with
his servant's integrity in vain; and Peregrine began to live
and curse his fate for having subjected him to such mean
suspicion, attesting heaven and earth in the most earnest
manner, that far from having composed and conveyed that
stupid production, he had never seen it before, nor been
privy to the least circumstance of the plan.
Pipes, now, for the first time, perceived the mischief
which he had occasioned; and, moved with the transports of
his master, for whom he had a most inviolable attachment,
frankly declared he was ready to make oath that Mr. Pickle
had no hand in the letter which he delivered. All three were
amazed at this confession, the meaning of which they could
not comprehend. Peregrine, after some pause, leaped upon
Pipes, and seizing him by the throat, exclaimed, in an
ecstasy of rage. "Rascal! tell me this instant what became
of the letter I entrusted to your care." The patient valet,
half-strangled as he was, squirted a collection of
tobacco-juice out of one corner of his mouth, and with great
deliberation replied, "Why, burnt it, you wouldn't have me
to give the young woman a thing that shook all in the wind
in tatters, would you?" The ladies interposed in behalf of
the distressed squire, from whom, by dint of questions which
he had neither art nor inclination to evade, they extorted
an explanation of the whole affair.
Such ridiculous simplicity and innocence of intention
appeared in the composition of his expedient, that even the
remembrance of all the chagrin which it had produced, could
not rouse their indignation, or enable the to resist a third
eruption of laughter which they forthwith underwent. Pipes
was dismissed, with many menacing injunctions to beware of
such conduct for the future; Emilia stood with a confusion
of joy and tenderness in her countenance; Peregrine's eyes
kindled into rapture, and, when Miss Sophy pronounced the
sentence of reconciliation, advanced to his mistress,
saying, "Truth is mighty, and will prevail;" then clapping
her in his arms, very impudently ravished a kiss, which she
had not power to refuse. Nay, such was the impulse of his
joy, that he took the same freedom with the lips of Sophy,
calling her his kind mediatrix and guardian angel; and
behaved with such extravagance of transport, as plainly
evinced the fervour and sincerity of his love.
I shall not pretend to repeat the tender protestations
that were uttered on one side, or describe the bewitching
glances of approbation with which they were received on the
other, suffice it to say that the endearing intimacy of
their former connection was instantly renewed, and Sophy,
who congratulated them on the happy termination of their
quarrel, favoured with their mutual confidence. In
consequence of this happy pacification, they deliberated
upon the means of seeing each other often; and as he could
not, without some previous introduction, visit her openly at
the house of her relation, they agreed to meet every
afternoon in the park till the next assembly, at which he
would solicit her as a partner, and she be unengaged, in
expectation of his request. By this connection he would be
entitled to visit her next day, and thus an avowed
correspondence would of course commence. This plan was
actually put in execution, and attended with a circumstance
which had well-nigh produced some mischievous consequence,
had not Peregrine's good fortune been superior to his
discretion.
CHAPTER XXIV.
He achieves an Adventure at the Assembly, and quarrels with
his Governor.
At the assembly, were no fewer than three gentlemen of
fortune, who rivalled our lover in his passion for Emilia,
and who had severally begged the honour of dancing with her
upon this occasion. She had excused herself to each, on
pretence of a slight indisposition that she foresaw would
detain her from the ball, and desired they would provide
themselves with other partners. Obliged to admit her excuse,
they accordingly followed her advice; and after they had
engaged themselves beyond the power of retracting, had the
mortification of seeing her there unclaimed. They in their
turn made up to her, and expressed their surprise and
concern at finding her in the assembly unprovided, after she
had declined their invitation; but she told them that her
cold had forsaken her since she had the pleasure of seeing
them, and that she would rely upon accident for a partner.
Just as she pronounced these words to the last of the three,
Peregrine advanced as an utter stranger, bowed with great
respect, told her he understood she was unengaged, and would
think himself highly honoured in being accepted as her
partner for the night; and he had the good fortune to
succeed in his application.
As they were by far the handsomest and best-accomplished
couple in the room, they could not fail of attracting the
notice and admiration of the spectators, which inflamed the
jealousy of his three competitors, who immediately entered
into a conspiracy against this gaudy stranger, whom, as
their rival, they resolved to affront in public. Pursuant to
the plan which they projected for this purpose, the first
country-dance was no sooner concluded, than one of them,
with his partner, took place of Peregrine and his mistress,
contrary to the regulation of the ball. Our lover, imputing
his behaviour to inadvertency, informed the gentleman of his
mistake, and civilly desired he would rectify his error. The
other told him, in an imperious tone, that he wanted none of
his advice, and bade him mind his own affairs. Peregrine
answered, with some warmth, and insisted upon his right: a
dispute commenced, high words, ensued, in the course of
which, our impetuous youth hearing himself reviled with the
appellation of scoundrel, pulled off his antagonist's
periwig, and flung it in his face. The ladies immediately
shrieked, the gentlemen interposed, Emilia was seized with a
fit of trembling, and conducted to her seat by her youthful
admirer, who begged pardon for having discomposed her, and
vindicated what he had done, by representing the necessity
he was under to resent the provocation he had received.
Though she could not help owning the justice of his plea,
she not the less concerned at the dangerous situation in
which he had involved himself, and, in the utmost
consternation and anxiety, insisted upon going directly
home: he could not resist her importunities; and her cousin
being determined to accompany her, he escorted to their
lodgings, where he wished them good night, after having, in
order to quiet their apprehensions, protested, that if his
opponent was satisfied, he should never take any step
towards the prosecution of the quarrel. Meanwhile the
assembly-room became a of scene of tumult and uproar: the
person who conceived himself injured, seeing Peregrine
retire, struggled with his companions, in order to pursue
and take satisfaction of our hero, whom he loaded with terms
of abuse, and challenged to single combat. The director of
the ball held a consultation with all the subscribers who
were present; and it was determined, by a majority of votes,
that the two gentlemen who had occasioned the disturbance
should be desired to withdraw. This resolution being
signified to one of the parties then present, he made some
difficulty of complying, but was persuaded to submit by his
two confederates, who accompanied him to the street-door,
where he was met by Peregrine on his return to the assembly.
This choleric gentleman, who was a country squire, no
sooner saw his rival, than he began to brandish his cudgel
in a menacing posture, when our adventurous youth, stepping
back with one foot, laid his hand upon the hilt of his
sword, which he drew half way out of the scabbard. This
attitude, and the sight of the blade which glistened by
moonlight in his face, checked, in some sort, the ardour of
his assailant, who desired he would lay aside his toaster,
and take a bout with him at equal arms. Peregrine, who was
an expert cudgel-player, accepted the invitation: then,
exchanging weapons with Pipes, who stood behind him, put
himself in a posture of defence, and received the attack of
his adversary, who struck at random, without either skill or
economy. Pickle could have beaten the cudgel out of his hand
at the first blow; but as in that case he would have been
obliged in honour to give immediate quarter, he resolved to
discipline his antagonist without endeavouring to disable
him, until he should be heartily satisfied with the
vengeance he had taken. With this view be returned the
salute, and raised such a clatter about the squire's pate,
that one who had heard without seeing the application, would
have taken the sound for that of a salt-box, in the hand of
a dexterous merry-andrew, belonging to one of the booths at
Bartholomew-fair. Neither was this salutation confined to
his head: his shoulders, arms, thighs, ankles, and ribs,
were visited with amazing rapidity, while Tom Pipes sounded
the charge through his fist. Peregrine, tired with his
exercise, which had almost bereft his enemy of sensation, at
last struck the decisive blow, in consequence of which the
squire's weapon flew out of his grasp, and he allowed our
hero to be the better man. Satisfied with this
acknowledgment, the victor walked upstairs with such
elevation of spirits and insolence of mien, that nobody
chose to intimate the resolution, which had been taken in
his absence; there, having amused himself for some time in
beholding the country-dances, he retreated to his lodging,
where he indulged himself all night in the contemplation of
his own success.
Next day in the forenoon he went to visit his partner;
and the gentleman, at whose house she lived, having been
informed of his family and condition, received him with
great courtesy, as the acquaintance of his cousin Gauntlet,
and invited him to dinner that same day. Emilia was
remarkably well pleased, when she understood the issue of
his adventure, which began to make some noise in town even
though it deprived her of a wealthy admirer. The squire,
having consulted an attorney about the nature of the
dispute, in hopes of being able to prosecute Peregrine for
an assault, found little encouragement to go to law: he
therefore resolved to pocket the insult and injury he had
undergone, and to discontinue his addresses to her who was
the cause of both.
Our lover being told by his mistress that she proposed to
stay a fortnight longer in Windsor, he determined to enjoy
her company all that time, and then to give her a convoy to
the house of her mother, whom he longed to see. In
consequence of this plan, he every day contrived some fresh
party of pleasure for the ladies, to whom he had by this
time free access; and entangled himself so much in the
snares of love, that he seemed quite enchanted by Emilia's
charms, which were now indeed almost irresistible. While he
thus heedlessly roved in the flowery paths of pleasure, his
governor at Oxford alarmed at the unusual duration of his
absence, went to the young gentlemen who had accompanied him
in his excursion, and very earnestly entreated them to tell
him, what they knew concerning his pupil: they accordingly
gave him an account of the reencounter that happened between
Peregrine and Miss Emily Gauntlet in the castle, and
mentioned circumstances sufficient to convince him that his
charge was very dangerously engaged.
Far from having an authority over Peregrine, Mr. Jolter
durst not even disoblige him: therefore, instead of writing
to the commodore, he took horse immediately, and that same
night reached Windsor, where he found his stray sheep very
much surprised at his unexpected arrival. The governor
desiring to have some serious conversation with him, they
shut themselves up in an apartment, when Jolter, with great
solemnity, communicated the cause of his journey, which was
no other than his concern for his pupil's welfare; and very
gravely undertook to prove, by mathematical demonstration,
that this intrigue, if further pursued, would tend to the
young gentleman's ruin and disgrace. This singular
proposition raised the curiosity of Peregrine, who promised
to yield all manner of attention, and desired him to begin
without further preamble.
The governor, encouraged by this appearance of candour,
expressed his satisfaction in finding him so open to
conviction, and told him he would proceed upon geometrical
principles; then, hemming thrice, observed that no
mathematical inquiries could be carried on, except upon
certain data, or concessions of truth that were
self-evident; and therefore he must have his assent to a few
axioms, which he was sure Mr. Pickle would see no reason to
dispute. "In the first place, then," said he, "you will
grant, I hope, that youth and discretion are with respect to
each other as two parallel lines, which, though infinitely
produced, remain still equidistant, and will never coincide:
then you must allow that passion acts upon the human mind in
a ratio compounded of the acuteness of sense, and
constitutional heat; and, thirdly, you will not deny that
the angle of remorse is equal to that of precipitation.
These postulata being admitted," added he, taking pen, ink,
and paper, and drawing a parallelogram, "let youth be
represented by the right line, a b, and discretion by
another right line, c d, parallel to the former. Complete
the parallelogram, a b c d, and let the point of
intersection, b, represent perdition. Let passion,
represented under the letter c, have a motion in the
direction c a. At the same time, let another motion be
communicated to it, in the direction c d, it will proceed in
the diagonal c b, and describe it in the same time that it
would have described the side c a, by the first motion, or
the side, c d, by the second. To understand the
demonstration of this corollary, we must premise this
obvious principle, that when a body is acted upon by a
motion of power parallel to a right line given in position,
this power, or motion, has no effect to cause the body to
approach towards that line, or recede from it, but to move
in a line parallel to a right line only; as appears from the
second law of motion: therefore c a being parallel to d b—"
His pupil having listened to him thus far, could contain
himself no longer, but interrupted the investigation with a
loud laugh, and told him that his postulata put him in mind
of a certain learned and ingenious gentleman, who undertook
to disprove the existence of natural evil, and asked no
other datum on which to found his demonstration, but an
acknowledgment that "everything that is, is right." "You may
therefore," said he, in a peremptory tone, "spare yourself
the trouble of torturing your invention; for, after all, I
am pretty certain that I shall want capacity to comprehend
the discussion of your lemma, and consequently be obliged to
all the pangs of an ingenuous mind that I refuse my assent
to your deduction."
Mr. Jolter was disconcerted at this declaration, and so
much offended at Peregrine's disrespect, that he could not
help expressing his displeasure, by telling him flatly, that
he was too violent and headstrong to be reclaimed by reason
and gentle means; that he (the tutor) must be obliged, in
the discharge of his duty and conscience, to inform the
commodore of his pupil's imprudence; that if the laws of
this realm were effectual, they would take cognizance of the
gipsy who had led him astray; and observed, by way of
contrast, that if such a preposterous intrigue had happened
in France, she would have been clapped up in a convent two
years ago. Our lover's eyes kindled with indignation, when
he heard his mistress treated with such irreverence: he
could scarce refrain from inflicting manual chastisement on
the blasphemer, whom he reproached in his wrath as an
arrogant pedant, without either delicacy or sense, and
cautioned him against rising any such impertinent freedoms
with his affairs for the future on pain of incurring more
severe effects of his resentment.
Mr. Jolter, who entertained very high notions of that
veneration to which he thought himself entitled by his
character and qualifications, had not borne, without
repining, his want of influence and authority over his
pupil, against whom he cherished a particular grudge ever
since the adventure of the painted eye; and therefore, on
this occasion, his politic forbearance had been overcome by
the accumulated motives of his disgust. Indeed, he would
have resigned his charge with disdain, had not he been
encouraged to persevere, by the hopes of a good living which
Trunnion had in his gift, or known how to dispose of himself
for the present to better advantage.
CHAPTER XXV.
He receives a Letter from his Aunt, breaks with the
Commodore, and disobliges the Lieutenant, who, nevertheless,
undertakes his Cause.
Meanwhile he quitted the youth in high dudgeon, and that
same evening despatched a letter for Mrs. Trunnion, which
was dictated by the first transports of his passion, and of
course replete with severe animadversions on the misconduct
of his pupil. In consequence of this complaint, it was not
long before Peregrine received an epistle from his aunt,
wherein she commemorated all the circumstances of the
commodore's benevolence towards him, when he was helpless
and forlorn, deserted and abandoned by his own parents;
upbraided him for his misbehaviour, and neglect of his
tutor's advice; and insisted upon his breaking off an
intercourse with that girl who had seduced his youth, as he
valued the continuance of her affection and her husband's
regard.
As our lover's own ideas of generosity were extremely
refined, he was shocked at the indelicate insinuations of
Mrs. Trunnion, and felt all the pangs of an ingenuous mind
that labours under obligations to a person whom it contemns.
Far from obeying her injunction, or humbling himself by a
submissive answer to her reprehension, his resentment buoyed
him up above every selfish consideration: he resolved to
attach himself to Emilia, if possible, more than ever; and
although he was tempted to punish the officiousness of
Jolter, by recriminating upon his life and conversation, he
generously withstood the impulse of his passion, because he
knew that his governor had no other dependence than the good
opinion of the commodore. He could not, however, digest in
silence the severe expostulations of his aunt; to which he
replied by the following letter, addressed to her husband:—
"Sir,—Though my temper could never stoop to offer nor, I
believe, your disposition deign to receive, that gross
incense
which the illiberal only expect, and none but the
base-minded
condescend to pay; my sentiments have always done justice to
your generosity, and my intention scrupulously adhered to
the
dictates of my duty. Conscious of this integrity of heart, I
cannot but severely feel your lady's unkind (I will not call
it ungenerous) recapitulation of the favours I have
received;
and, as I take it for granted that you knew and approved of
her
letter, I must beg leave to assure you, that, far from being
swayed by menaces and reproach, I am determined to embrace
the
most abject extremity of fortune, rather than submit to such
dishonourable compulsion. When I am treated in a more
delicate
and respectful manner, I hope I shall behave as
becomes,—Sir,
your obliged
"P. Pickle."
The commodore, who did not understand those nice
distinctions of behaviour, and dreaded the consequence of
Peregrine's amour, against which he was strangely
prepossessed, seemed exasperated at the insolence and
obstinacy of this adopted son; to whose epistle he wrote the
following answer, which was transmitted by the hands of
Hatchway, who had orders to bring the delinquent along with
him to the garrison:—
"Hark ye, child,—You need not bring your fine speeches to
bear
upon me: you only expend your ammunition to no purpose. Your
aunt told you nothing but truth; for it is always fair and
honest to be above-board, d'ye see. I am informed as how you
are in chase of a painted galley, which will decoy you upon
the
flats of destruction, unless you keep a better look-out and
a
surer reckoning than you have hitherto done; and I have sent
Jack Hatchway to see how the land lies, and warn you of your
danger: if so be as you will put about ship, and let him
steer
you into this harbour, you shall meet with a safe berth and
friendly reception; but if you refuse to alter your course
you
cannot expect any farther assistance from yours as you
behave,
"Hawser Trunnion."
Peregrine was equally piqued and disconcerted at the
receipt of this letter, which was quite different from what
he had expected; and declared in a resolute tone to the
lieutenant, who brought it, that he might return as soon as
he pleased, for he was determined to consult his own
inclination, and remain for some time longer where he was.
Hatchway endeavoured to persuade him, by all the
arguments which his sagacity and friendship could supply, to
show a little more deference for the old man, who was by
this time rendered fretful and peevish by the gout, which
now hindered him from enjoying himself as usual, who might,
in his passion, take some step very much to the detriment of
the young gentleman, whom he had hitherto considered as his
own son. Among other remonstrances, Jack observed that
mayhap Peregrine had got under Emilia's hatches, and did not
choose to set her adrift; and that if that was the case, he
himself would take charge of the vessel, and see her cargo
safely delivered; for he had a respect for the young woman,
and his needle pointed towards matrimony; and as, in all
probability, she could not be much the worse for the wear,
he would make shift to scud through life with her under an
easy sail.
Our lover was deaf to all his admonitions, and, having
thanked him for this last instance of his complaisance,
repeated his resolution of adhering to his first purpose.
Hatchway, having profited so little by mild exhortations:
assumed a more peremptory aspect, and plainly told him that
he neither could nor would go home without him; so he had
best make immediate preparation for the voyage.
Peregrine made no other reply to this declaration than by
a contemptuous smile, and rose from his seat in order to
retire; upon which the lieutenant started up, and, posting
himself by the door, protested, with some menacing gestures,
that he would not suffer him to run a-head neither. The
other, incensed at his presumption in attempting to detain
him by force, tripped up his wooden leg, and laid him on his
back in a moment; then walked deliberately towards the park,
in order to indulge his reflection, which at that time
teemed with disagreeable thoughts. He had not proceeded two
hundred steps when he heard something blowing and stamping
behind him; and, looking back, perceived the lieutenant at
his heels, with rage and indignation in his countenance.
This exasperated seaman, impatient of the affront he had
received, and forgetting all the circumstances of their
former intimacy, advanced with great eagerness to his old
friend, saying, "Look ye, brother, you're a saucy boy, and
if you was at sea, I would have your backside brought to the
davit for your disobedience; but as we are on shore, you and
I must crack a pistol at one another: here is a brace; you
shall take which you please."
Peregrine, upon recollection, was sorry for having been
laid under the necessity of disobliging honest Jack, and
very frankly asked his pardon for what he had done. But this
condescension was misinterpreted by the other, who refused
any other satisfaction but that which an officer ought to
claim; and, with some irreverent expressions, asked if Perry
was afraid of his bacon? The youth, inflamed at this unjust
insinuation, darted a ferocious look at the challenger, told
him he had paid but too much regard to his infirmities, and
bid him walk forward to the park, where he would soon
convince him of his error, if he thought his concession
proceeded from fear.
About this time, they were overtaken by Pipes, who,
having heard the lieutenant's fall and seen him pocket his
pistols, suspected there was a quarrel in the case, and
followed him with a view of protecting his master.
Peregrine, seeing him arrive, and guessing his intention,
assumed an air of serenity; and pretending that he had left
his handkerchief at the inn, ordered his man to go thither
and fetch it to him in the park, where he would find them at
his return. This command was twice repeated before Tom would
take any other notice of the message, except by shaking his
head; but being urged with many threats and curses to
obedience, he gave them to understand that he knew their
drift too well to trust them by themselves. "As for you,
Lieutenant Hatchway," said he, "I have been your shipmate,
and know you to be a sailor, that's enough; and as for
master, I know him to be as good a man as ever stept betwixt
stem and stern, whereby, if you have anything to say to him,
I am your man, as the saying is. Here's my sapling, and I
don't value your crackers of a rope's end." This oration,
the longest that ever Pipes was known to make, he concluded
with a flourish of his cudgel, and enforced with such
determined refusals to leave them, that they found it
impossible to bring the cause to mortal arbitrement at that
time, and strolled about the park in profound silence;
during which, Hatchway's indignation subsiding, he, all of a
sudden, thrust out his hand as an advance to reconciliation,
which being cordially shaken by Peregrine, a general
pacification ensued; and was followed by a consultation
about the means of extricating the youth from his present
perplexity. Had his disposition been like that of most other
young men, it would have been no difficult task to overcome
his difficulties; but such was the obstinacy of his pride,
that he deemed himself bound in honour to resent the letters
he had received; and instead of submitting to the pleasure
of the commodore, expected an acknowledgment from him,
without which he would listen to no terms of accommodation.
"Had I been his own son," said he, "I should have borne his
reproof, and sued for forgiveness; but knowing myself to be
on the footing of an orphan, who depends entirely upon his
benevolence, I am jealous of everything that can be
construed into disrespect, and insist upon being treated
with the most punctual regard. I shall now make application
to my father, who is obliged to provide for me by the ties
of nature, as well as the laws of the land; and if he shall
refuse to do me justice, I can never want employment while
men are required for his Majesty's service."
The lieutenant, alarmed at this intimation, begged he
would take no new step until he should hear from him; and
that very evening set out for the garrison, where he gave
Trunnion an account of the miscarriage of his negotiation,
told him how highly Peregrine was offended at the letter,
communicated the young gentleman's sentiments and
resolution, and finally assured him that unless he should
think proper to ask pardon for the offence he had committed,
he would, in all appearance, never more behold the face of
his godson.
The old commodore was utterly confounded at this piece of
intelligence: he had expected all the humility of obedience
and contrition from the young man; and, instead of that,
received nothing but the most indignant opposition, and even
found himself in the circumstances of an offender, obliged
to make atonement, or forfeit all correspondence with his
favourite. These insolent conditions at first threw him into
an agony of wrath; and he vented execrations with such
rapidity that he left himself no time to breathe, and had
almost been suffocated with his choler. He inveighed
bitterly against the ingratitude of Peregrine, whom he
mentioned with many opprobrious epithets, and swore that he
ought to be keelhauled for his presumption; but when he
began to reflect more coolly upon the spirit of the young
gentleman, which had already manifested itself on many
occasions, and listened to the suggestions of Hatchway, whom
he had always considered as an oracle in his way, his
resentment abated, and he determined to take Perry into
favour again; this placability being not a little
facilitated by Jack's narrative of our hero's intrepid
behaviour at the assembly, as well as the contest with him
in the park. But still this plaguy amour occurred like a
bugbear to his imagination; for he held it as an infallible
maxim, that woman was an eternal source of misery to man.
Indeed, this apophthegm he seldom repeated since his
marriage, except in the company of a very few intimates, to
whose secrecy and discretion he could trust. Finding Jack
himself at a nonplus in the affair of Emilia, he consulted
Mrs. Trunnion, who was equally surprised and offended when
she understood that her letter did not produce the desired
effect; and after having imputed the youth's obstinacy to
his uncle's unseasonable indulgence, had recourse to the
advice of the parson, who, still with an eye to his friend's
advantage, counselled them to send the young gentleman on
his travels, in the course of which he would, in all
probability, forget the amusements of his greener years. The
proposal was judicious, and immediately approved; when
Trunnion, going into his closet, after divers efforts,
produced the following billet, with which Jack departed for
Windsor that same afternoon:—
"My good lad,—If I gave offence in my last letter I'm
sorry
for't, d'ye see: I thought it was the likeliest way to bring
you up; but, in time to come, you shall have a larger swing
of cable. When you can spare time, I should be glad if you
will
make a short trip and see your aunt, and him who is—Your
loving godfather and humble servant,
"Hawser Trunnion.
P.S. If you want money, you may draw upon me payable at
sight."
CHAPTER XXVI.
He becomes Melancholy and Despondent—Is favoured with the
condescending Letter from his Uncle—Reconciles himself to
his Governor, and sets out with Emilia and her Friend for
Mrs. Gauntlet's House.
Peregrine, fortified as he was with pride and
indignation, did not fail to feel the smarting suggestions
of his present situation: after having lived so long in an
affluent and imperious manner, he could ill brook the
thoughts of submitting to the mortifying exigencies of life.
All the gaudy schemes of pomp and pleasure, which his
luxuriant imagination had formed, began to dissolve; a train
of melancholy ideas took possession of his thoughts; and the
prospect of losing Emilia was not the least part of his
affliction. Though he endeavoured to suppress the chagrin
that preyed upon his heart, he could not conceal the
disturbance of his mind from the penetration of that amiable
young lady, who sympathized with him in her heart, though
she could not give her tongue the liberty of asking the
cause of his disorder; for, notwithstanding all the ardour
of his addresses, he never could obtain from her the
declaration of a mutual flame; because, though he had
hitherto treated her with the utmost reverence of respect,
he had never once mentioned the final aim of his passion.
However honourable she supposed it to be, she had
discernment enough to foresee that vanity or interest,
co-operating with the levity of youth, might one day deprive
her of her lover, and she was too proud to give him any
handle of exulting at her expense. Although he was received
by her with the most distinguished civility, and even an
intimacy of friendship, all his solicitations could never
extort from her an acknowledgment of love: on the contrary,
being of a gay disposition, she sometimes coquetted with
other admirers, that his attention thus whetted might never
abate, and that he might see she had other resources in case
he should flag in his affection.
This being the prudential plan on which she acted, it
cannot be supposed that she would condescend to inquire into
the state of his thoughts when she saw him thus affected;
but she, nevertheless, imposed that task on her cousin and
confidant, who, as they walked together in the park observed
that he seemed to be out of humour. When this is the case,
such a question generally increases the disease; at least it
had that effect upon Peregrine, who replied somewhat
peevishly, "I assure you, madam, you never were more
mistaken in your observations."—"I think so, too," said
Emilia, "for I never saw Mr. Pickle in higher spirits." This
ironical encomium completed his confusion: he affected to
smile, but it was a smile of anguish, and in his heart he
cursed the vivacity of both. He could not for his soul
recollect himself so as to utter one connected sentence; and
the suspicion that they observed every circumstance of his
behaviour, threw such a damp on his spirits that he was
quite overwhelmed with shame and resentment, when Sophy,
casting her eyes towards the gate, said, "Yonder is your
servant, Mr. Pickle, with another man who seems to have a
wooden leg." Peregrine started at this intelligence, and
immediately underwent sundry changes of complexion, knowing
that his fate, in a great measure, depended upon the
information he would receive from his friend.
Hatchway, advancing to the company, after a brace of sea
bows to the ladies, took the youth aside, and put the
commodore's letter into his hand, which threw him into such
an agitation that he could scarce pronounce, "Ladies, will
you give me leave?" When, in consequence of their
permission, he attempted to open the billet, he fumbled with
such manifest disorder, that his mistress, who watched his
motions, began to think that there was something very
interesting in the message; and so much was she affected
with his concern, that she was fain to turn her head another
way, and wipe the tears from her lovely eyes.
Meanwhile, Peregrine no sooner read the first sentence
than his countenance, which before was overcast with a deep
gloom, began to be lighted up, and every feature unbending
by degrees, he recovered his serenity. Having perused the
letter, his eyes sparkling with joy and gratitude, he hugged
the lieutenant in his arms, and presented him to the ladies
as one of his best friends. Jack met with a most gracious
reception, and shook Emilia by the hand, telling her, with
the familiar appellation of "old acquaintance" that he did
not care how soon he was master of such another clean-going
frigate as herself. The whole company partook of this
favourable change that evidently appeared in our lover's
recollection, and enlivened his conversation with such an
uncommon flow of sprightliness and good humour, as even made
an impression on the iron countenance of Pipes himself, who
actually smiled with satisfaction as he walked behind them.
The evening being pretty far advanced, they directed
their course homeward; and while the valet attended Hatchway
to the inn, Peregrine escorted the ladies to their lodgings,
where he owned the justness of Sophy's remark in saying he
was out of humour, and told them he had been extremely
chagrined at a difference which had happened between him and
his uncle, to whom, by the letter which they had seen him
receive, he now found himself happily reconciled.
Having received their congratulations, and declined
staying to sup with them, on account of the longing desire
he had to converse with his friend Jack, he took his leave,
and repaired to the inn, where Hatchway informed him of
everything that had happened in the garrison upon his
presentations. Far from being disgusted, he was perfectly
well pleased with the prospect of going abroad, which
flattered his vanity and ambition, gratified his thirst
after knowledge, and indulged that turn for observation, for
which he had been remarkable from his most tender years.
Neither did he believe a short absence would tend to the
prejudice of his love, but, on the contrary, enhance the
value of his heart, because he should return better
accomplished, consequently, a more welcome offering to his
mistress. Elevated with these sentiments, his heart dilated
with joy; and the sluices of his natural benevolence being
opened by this happy turn of his affairs, he sent his
compliment to Mr. Jolter, to whom he had not spoken during a
whole week, and desired he would favour Mr. Hatchway and him
with his company at supper.
The governor was not weak enough to decline this
invitation; in consequence of which he forthwith appeared,
and was cordially welcomed by the relenting pupil, who
expressed his sorrow for the misunderstanding which had
prevailed between them, and assured him that for the future
he would avoid giving him any just cause of complaint.
Jolter, who did not want affections, was melted by this
acknowledgment, which he could not have expected; and
earnestly protested, that his chief study had always been,
and ever should be, to promote Mr. Pickle's interest and
happiness.
The best part of the night being spent in the circulation
of a cheerful glass, the company broke up; and next morning
Peregrine went out with a view of making his mistress
acquainted with his uncle's intention of sending him out of
the kingdom for his improvement, and of saying everything
which he thought necessary for the interest of his love. He
found her at breakfast with her cousin; and, as he was very
full of the subject of his visit, had scarce fixed himself
in his seat, when he brought it upon the carpet, by asking,
with a smile, if the ladies had any commands for Paris?
Emilia at this question began to stare, and her confidant
desired to know who was going thither? He no sooner gave to
understand that he himself intended in a short time to visit
that capital, than his mistress with great precipitation
wished him a good journey, and affected to talk with
indifference the pleasures he would enjoy in France; but
when he seriously assured Sophy, who asked if he was in
earnest, and his uncle actually insisted upon his making a
short tour, the tears gushed in poor Emilia's eyes, and she
was at great pains to conceal her concern, by observing that
the tea was so scalding hot, as to make her eyes water. This
pretext was too thin to impose upon her lover, or even
deceive the observation of her friend Sophy, who, after
breakfast, took an opportunity of quitting the room.
Thus left by themselves, Peregrine imparted to her what
he had learnt of the commodore's intention, without,
however, mentioning a syllable of his being offended at
their correspondence; and accompanied his information with
such fervent vows of eternal constancy and solemn promises
of a speedy return, that Emily's heart, which had been
invaded by a suspicion that this scheme of travelling was an
effect of her lover's inconstancy, began to be more at ease;
and she could not help signifying her approbation of his
design.
This affair being amicably compromised, he asked how soon
she proposed to set out for her mother's house; and
understanding that her departure was fixed for next day but
one, and that her Cousin Sophy intended to accompany her in
her father's chariot, he repeated his intention of attending
her. In the mean time he dismissed the governor and the
lieutenant to the garrison, with his compliments to his aunt
and the commodore, and a faithful promise of his being with
them in six days at farthest. These previous measures being
taken, he, attended by Pipes, set out with the ladies; and
they had also a convoy for twelve miles from Sophy's father,
who, at parting, recommended them piously to the care of
Peregrine, with whom by this time, he was perfectly well
acquainted.
CHAPTER XXVII.
They meet with a dreadful Alarm on the Road—Arrive at their
Journey's end—Peregrine is introduced to Emily's
Brother—These two young Gentlemen misunderstand each
other—Pickle departs for the Garrison.
As they travelled at an easy rate, they had performed
something more than one half of their journey, when they
were benighted near an inn, at which they resolved to lodge;
the accommodation was very good, they supped together with
great mirth and enjoyment, and it was not till after he had
been warned by the yawns of the ladies, that he conducted
them to their apartment; where, wishing them good night, he
retired to his own, and went to rest. The house was crowded
with country-people who had been at a neighbouring fair, and
now regaled themselves with ale and tobacco in the yard; so
that their consideration, which at any time was but slender,
being now overwhelmed by this debauch, they staggered into
their respective kennels, and left a lighted candle sticking
to one of the wooden pillars that supported the gallery. The
flame in a little time laid hold on the wood, which was as
dry as tinder; and the whole gallery was on fire, when
Peregrine suddenly waked, and found himself almost
suffocated. He sprang up in an instant, slipped on his
breeches, and, throwing open the door of his chamber, saw
the whole entry in a blaze.
Heavens! what were the emotions of his soul, when he
beheld the volumes of flame and smoke rolling towards the
room where his dear Emilia lay! Regardless of his own
danger, he darted himself through the thickest of the gloom,
when knocking hard, and calling at the same time to the
ladies, with the most anxious entreaty to be admitted, the
door was opened by Emilia in her shift, who asked, with the
utmost trepidation, what was the matter? He made no reply,
but snatching her up in his arms, like another Aeneas, bore
her through the flames to a place of safety; where leaving
her before she could recollect herself, or pronounce one
word, but "Alas; my Cousin Sophy!" he flew back to the
rescue of that young lady, and found her already delivered
by Pipes, who having been alarmed by the smell of fire, had
got up, rushed immediately to the chamber where he knew
these companions lodged, and Emily being saved by her lover
brought off Miss Sophy with the loss of his own shock-head
of hair, which was singed off in his retreat.
By this time the whole inn was alarmed; every lodger, as
well as servant, exerted himself, in order to stop the
progress of this calamity: and there being a
well-replenished horse-pond in the yard, in less than an
hour the fire was totally extinguished, without having done
any other damage than that of consuming about two yards of
the wooden gallery.
All this time our young gentleman closely attended his
fair charge, each of whom had swooned with apprehension; but
as their constitutions were good, and their spirits not
easily dissipated, when upon reflection they found
themselves and their company safe, and that the flames were
happily quenched, the tumult of their fears subsided, they
put on their clothes, recovered their good humour, and began
to rally each other on the trim in which they had been
secured. Sophy observed that now Mr. Pickle had an
indisputable claim to her cousin's affection; and therefore
she ought to lay aside all affected reserve for the future,
and frankly avow the sentiments of her heart. Emily retorted
the argument, putting her in mind, that by the same claim
Mr. Pipes was entitled to the like return from her. Her
friend admitted the force of the conclusion, provided she
could not find means of satisfying his deliverer in another
shape; and, turning, to the valet, who happened to be
present, asked if his heart was not otherwise engaged. Tom,
who did not conceive the meaning of the question, stood
silent according to custom; and the interrogation being
repeated, answered, with a grin, "Heart-whole as a biscuit,
I'll assure you, mistress."—"What!" said Emilia, "have you
never been in love, Thomas?"—"Yes, forsooth," replied the
valet without hesitation, "sometimes of a morning."
Peregrine could not help laughing, and his mistress
looked a little disconcerted at this blunt repartee: while
Sophy, slipping a purse into his hand, told him there was
something to purchase a periwig. Tom, having consulted his
master's eyes, refused the present, saying, "No, thank ye as
much as if I did;" and though she insisted upon his putting
it in his pocket, as a small testimony of her gratitude, he
could not be prevailed upon to avail himself of her
generosity; but following her to the other end of the room,
thrust it into her sleeve without ceremony, exclaiming,
"I'll be d—d to hell if I do." Peregrine, having checked him
for his boorish behaviour, sent him out of the room, and
begged that Miss Sophy would not endeavour to debauch the
morals of his servant, who, rough and uncultivated as he
was, had sense enough to perceive that he had no pretension
to any such acknowledgment. But she argued, with great
vehemence, that she should never be able to make
acknowledgment adequate to the service he had done her, and
that she should never be perfectly easy in her own mind
until she found some opportunity of manifesting the sense
she had of the obligation: "I do not pretend," said she, "to
reward Mr. Pipes; but I shall be absolutely unhappy, unless
I am allowed to give him some token of my regard."
Peregrine, thus earnestly solicited, desired, that since
she was bent upon displaying her generosity, she would not
bestow upon him any pecuniary gratification, but honour him
with some trinket, as a mark of consideration; because he
himself had such a particular value for the fellow, on
account of his attachment and fidelity, that he should be
sorry to see him treated on the footing of a common
mercenary domestic. There was not one jewel in the
possession of this grateful young lady, that she would not
have gladly given as a recompense, or badge of distinction,
to her rescuer; but his master pitched upon a seal ring of
no great value that hung at her watch, and Pipes, being
called in, had permission to accept that testimony of Miss
Sophy's favour. Tom received it accordingly with sundry
scrapes; and, having kissed it with great devotion, put it
on his little finger, and strutted off, extremely proud of
his acquisition.
Emilia, with a most enchanting sweetness of aspect, told
her lover that he had instructed her how to behave towards
him; and taking a diamond ring from her finger, desired he
would wear it for her sake. He received the pledge as became
him, and presented another in exchange, which she at first
refused, alleging that it would destroy the intent of her
acknowledgment; but Peregrine assured her he had accepted
her jewel, not as a proof of her gratitude, but as the mark
of her love; and that if she refused a mutual token, he
should look upon himself as the object of her disdain. Her
eyes kindled, and her cheeks glowed with resentment at this
impudent intimation, which she considered as an unseasonable
insult, and the young gentleman, perceiving her emotion,
stood corrected for his temerity, and asked pardon for the
liberty of his remonstrance, which he hoped she would
ascribe to the prevalence of that principle alone, which he
had always taken pride in avowing.
Sophy, seeing him disconcerted, interposed in his behalf,
and chid her cousin for having practised such unnecessary
affectation; upon which, Emilia, softened into compliance,
held out her finger as a signal of her condescension.
Peregrine put on the ring with great eagerness, and mumbled
her soft white hand in an ecstasy which would not allow him
to confine his embraces to that limb, but urged him to seize
her by the waist, and snatch a delicious kiss from her
love-pouting lips; nor would he leave her a butt to the
ridicule of Sophy, on whose mouth he instantly committed a
rape of the same nature: so that the two friends,
countenanced by each other, reprehended him with such
gentleness of rebuke, that he was almost tempted to repeat
the offence.
The morning being now lighted up, and the servants of the
inn on foot, he ordered some chocolate for breakfast, and at
the desire of the ladies, sent Pipes to see the horses fed,
and the chariot prepared, while he went to the bar, and
discharged the bill.
These measures being taken, they set out about five
o'clock, and having refreshed themselves and their cattle at
another inn on the road, proceeded in the afternoon. Without
meeting with any other accident, they safely arrived at the
place of their destination, where Mrs. Gauntlet expressed
her joy at seeing her old friend Mr. Pickle, whom, however,
she kindly reproached for the long discontinuance of his
regard. Without explaining the cause of that interruption,
he protested that his love and esteem had never been
discontinued, and that for the future he should omit no
occasion of testifying how much he had her friendship at
heart. She then made him acquainted with her son, who at
that time was in the house, being excused from his duty by
furlough.
This young man, whose name was Godfrey, was about the age
of twenty, of a middling size, vigorous make, remarkably
well-shaped, and the scars of the small-pox, of which he
bore a good number, added a peculiar manliness to the air of
his countenance. His capacity was good, and his disposition
naturally frank and easy; but he had been a soldier from his
infancy, and his education was altogether in the military
style. He looked upon taste and letters as mere pedantry,
beneath the consideration of a gentleman, and every civil
station of life as mean, when compared with the profession
of arms. He had made great progress in the gymnastic
sciences of dancing, fencing, and riding; played perfectly
well on the German flute; and, above all things valued
himself upon a scrupulous observance of all the points of
honour.
Had Peregrine and he considered themselves upon equal
footing, in all probability they would have immediately
entered into a league of intimacy and friendship: but this
sufficient soldier looked upon his sister's admirer as a
young student raw from the university, and utterly ignorant
of mankind; while Squire Pickle beheld Godfrey in the light
of a needy volunteer, greatly inferior to himself in
fortune, as well as every other accomplishment. This mutual
misunderstanding could not fail of animosities. The very
next day after Peregrine's arrival, some sharp repartees
passed between them in presence of the ladies, before whom
each endeavoured to assert his own superiority. In these
contests our hero never failed of obtaining the victory,
because his genius was more acute, and his talents better
cultivated, than those of his antagonist, who therefore took
umbrage at his success, became jealous of his reputation,
and began to treat him with marks of scorn and disrespect.
His sister saw, and, dreading the consequence of his
ferocity, not only took him to task in private for his
impolite behaviour, but also entreated her lover to make
allowances for the roughness of her brother's education. He
kindly assured her, that whatever pains it might cost him to
vanquish his own impetuous temper, he would, for her sake,
endure all the mortifications to which her brother's
arrogance might expose him; and, after having stayed with
her two days, and enjoyed several private interviews, during
which he acted the part of a most passionate lover, he took
his leave of Mrs. Gauntlet overnight, and told the young
ladies he would call early next morning to bid them
farewell. He did not neglect this piece of duty, and found
the two friends and breakfast already prepared in the
parlour. All three being extremely affected with the
thoughts of parting, a most pathetic silence for some time
prevailed, till Peregrine put an end to it by lamenting his
fate, in being obliged to exile himself so long from the
dear object of his most interesting wish. He begged, with
the most earnest supplications, that she would now, in
consideration of the cruel absence he must suffer, give him
the consolation which she had hitherto refused; namely, that
of knowing he possessed a place within her heart. The
confidante seconded his request, representing that it was
now no time to disguise her sentiments, when her lover was
about to leave the kingdom, and might be in danger of
contracting other connections, unless he was confirmed in
his constancy, by knowing how far he could depend upon her
love; and, in short, she was plied with such irresistible
importunities, that she answered in the utmost confusion,
"Though I have avoided literal acknowledgments, methinks the
circumstances of my behaviour might have convinced Mr.
Pickle that I do not regard him as a common
acquaintance."—"My charming Emily," cried the impatient
lover, throwing himself at her feet, "why will you deal out
my happiness in such scanty portions? Why will you thus
mince the declaration which would overwhelm me with
pleasure, and cheer my lonely reflection, while I sigh amid
the solitude of separation?" His fair mistress, melted by
this image, replied, with the tears gushing from her eyes,
"I'm afraid I shall feel that separation more severely than
you imagine." Transported at this flattering confession, he
pressed her to his breast, and while her head reclined upon
his neck, mingled his tears with hers in great abundance,
breathing the most tender vows of eternal fidelity. The
gentle heart of Sophy could not bear this scene unmoved: she
wept with sympathy, and encouraged the lovers to resign
themselves to the will of fate, and support their spirits
with the hope of meeting again on happier terms. Finally,
after mutual promises, exhortations, and endearments,
Peregrine took his leave, his heart being so full that he
could scarce pronounce the word Adieu! and, mounting his
horse at the door, set out with Pipes for the garrison.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
Peregrine is overtaken by Mr. Gauntlet, with whom he fights
a Duel, and contracts an intimate Friendship—He arrives at
the Garrison, and finds his Mother as implacable as ever—He
is insulted by his Brother Gam, whose Preceptor he
disciplines with a Horsewhip.
In order to expel the melancholy images that took
possession of his fancy, at parting from his mistress, he
called in the flattering ideas of those pleasures he
expected to enjoy in France; and before he had rode ten
miles, his imagination was effectually amused. While he thus
prosecuted his travels by anticipation, and indulged himself
in all the insolence of hope, at the turning of a lane he
was all of a sudden overtaken by Emilia's brother on
horseback, who told him he was riding the same way, and
should be glad of his company. This young gentleman, whether
prompted by personal pique, or actuated with zeal for the
honour of his family, had followed our hero, with the view
of obliging him to explain the nature of his attachment to
his sister.
Peregrine returned his compliment with such disdainful
civility as gave him room to believe that he suspected his
errand; and therefore, without further preamble, he declared
his business in these words: "Mr. Pickle, you have carried
on a correspondence with my sister for some time, and I
should be glad to know the nature of it." To this question
our lover replied, "Sir, I should be glad to know what title
you have to demand that satisfaction?"—"Sir," answered the
other, "I demand it in the capacity of a brother, jealous of
his own honour, as well as of his sister's reputation; and
if your intentions are honourable, you will not refuse
it."—"Sir," said Peregrine, "I am not at present disposed to
appeal to your opinion for the rectitude of my intentions:
and I think you assume a little too much importance, in
pretending to judge my conduct."—"Sir," replied the soldier,
"I pretend to judge the conduct of every man who interferes
with my concerns, and even to chastise him, if I think he
acts amiss."—"Chastise!" cried the youth, with indignation
in his looks, "sure you dare not apply that term to
me?"—"You are mistaken," said Godfrey; "I dare do anything
that becomes the character of a gentleman."—"Gentleman, God
wot!" replied the other, looking contemptuously at his
equipage, which was none of the most superb, "a very pretty
gentleman, truly!"
The soldier's wrath was inflamed by this ironical
repetition, the contempt of which his conscious poverty made
him feel; and he called his antagonist presumptuous boy,
insolent upstart, and with other epithets, which Perry
retorted with great bitterness. A formal challenge having
passed between them, they alighted at the first inn, and
walked into the next field, in order to decide their quarrel
by the sword. Having pitched upon the spot, helped to pull
off each other's boots, and laid aside their coats and
waistcoats, Mr. Gauntlet told his opponent, that he himself
was looked upon in the army as an expert swordsman, and that
if Mr. Pickle had not made that science his particular
study, they should be upon a more equal footing in using
pistols. Peregrine was too much incensed to thank him for
his plain dealing, and too confident of his own skill to
relish the other's proposal, which he accordingly rejected:
then, drawing his sword, he observed, that were he to treat
Mr. Gauntlet according to his deserts, he would order his
man to punish his audacity with a horsewhip. Exasperated at
this expression, which he considered as an indelible
affront, he made no reply, but attacked his adversary with
equal ferocity and address. The youth parried his first and
second thrust, but received the third in the outside of his
sword-arm. Though the wound was superficial, he was
transported with rage at sight of his own blood, and
returned the assault with such fury and precipitation, that
Gauntlet, loath to take advantage of his unguarded heat,
stood upon the defensive. In the second lounge, Peregrine's
weapon entering a kind of network in the shell of Godfrey's
sword, the blade snapped in two, and left him at the mercy
of the soldier, who, far from making an insolent use of the
victory he had gained, put up his Toledo with great
deliberation, like a man who had been used to that kind of
reencounters, and observed that such a blade as Peregrine's
was not to be trusted with a man's life: then advising the
owner to treat a gentleman in distress with more respect for
the future, he slipped on his boots, and with sullen dignity
of demeanour stalked back to the inn.
Though Pickle was extremely mortified at his miscarriage
in this adventure, he was also struck with the behaviour of
his antagonist, which affected him the more, as he
understood that Godfrey's fierte had proceeded from the
jealous sensibility of a gentleman declined into the vale of
misfortune. Gauntlet's valour and moderation induced him to
put a favourable construction on all those circumstances of
that young soldier's conduct, which before had given him
disgust. Though in any other case he would have
industriously avoided the least appearance of submission, he
followed his conqueror to the inn with a view of thanking
him for his generous forbearance, and of soliciting his
friendship and correspondence.
Godfrey had his foot in the stirrup to mount, when
Peregrine, coming up to him, desired he would defer his
departure for a quarter of an hour, and favour him with a
little private conversation. The soldier, who mistook the
meaning of the request, immediately quitted his horse, and
followed Pickle into a chamber, where he expected to find a
brace of pistols loaded on the table: but he was very
agreeably deceived, when our hero, in the most respectful
terms, acknowledged his noble deportment in the field, owned
that till then he had misunderstood his character, and
begged that he would honour him with his intimacy and
correspondence.
Gauntlet, who had seen undoubted proofs of Peregrine's
courage, which had considerably raised him in his esteem,
and had sense enough to perceive that this concession was
not owing to any sordid or sinister motive, embraced his
offer with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction. When he
understood the terms on which Mr. Pickle was with his
sister, he proffered his service in his turn, either as
agent, mediator, or confidant: nay, to give this new friend
a convincing proof of his sincerity, he disclosed to him a
passion which he had for some time entertained for his
cousin Miss Sophy, though he durst not reveal his sentiments
to her father, lest he should be offended at his
presumption, and withdraw his protection from the family.
Peregrine's generous heart was wrung with anguish, when
he understood that this young gentleman, who was the only
son of a distinguished officer, had carried arms for the
space of five years, without being able to obtain a
subaltern's commission, though he always had behaved with
remarkable regularity and spirit, and, acquired the
friendship and esteem of all the officers under whom he had
served. He would, at that time, with the utmost pleasure,
have shared his finances with him; but as he would not run
the risk of offending the young soldier's delicacy of honour
by a premature exertion of his liberality, he resolved to
insinuate himself into an intimacy with him, before he would
venture to take such freedoms; and with that view pressed
Mr. Gauntlet to accompany him to the garrison, where he did
not doubt of having influence enough to make him a welcome
guest. Godfrey thanked him very courteously for his
invitation, which he said he could not immediately accept;
but promised, if he would favour him with a letter, and fix
the time at which he proposed to set out for France, he
would endeavour to visit him at the commodore's habitation,
and from thence give him a convoy to Dover. This new treaty
being settled, and a dossil of lint, with a snip of plaster,
applied to our adventurer's wound, he parted from the
brother of his dear Emilia, to whom and his friend Sophy he
sent his kindest wishes; and having lodged one night upon
the road, arrived next day in the afternoon at the garrison,
where he found all his friends in good health, and overjoyed
at his return.
The commodore, who was by this time turned of seventy,
and altogether crippled by the gout, seldom went abroad; and
as his conversation was not very entertaining, had but
little company within doors; so that his spirits must have
quite stagnated, had not they been kept in motion by the
conversation of Hatchway, and received at different times a
wholesome fillip from the discipline of his spouse, who, by
the force of pride, religion, and Cognac, had erected a most
terrible tyranny in the house. There was such a quick
circulation of domestics in the family, that every suit of
livery had been worn by figures of all dimensions. Trunnion
himself had long before this time yielded to the torrent of
her arbitrary sway, though not without divers obstinate
efforts to maintain his liberty; and now, that he was
disabled by his infirmities, when he used to bear his
empress singing the loud Orthyan song among the servants
below, he would often in whispers communicate to the
lieutenant hints of what he would do if so be as how he was
not deprived of the use of his precious limbs. Hatchway was
the only person whom the temper of Mrs. Trunnion respected,
either because she dreaded his ridicule, or looked upon his
person with eyes of affection. This being the situation of
things in the garrison, it is not to be doubted that the old
gentleman highly enjoyed the presence of Peregrine, who
found means to ingratiate himself so effectually with his
aunt, that while he remained at home, she seemed to have
exchanged the disposition of a tigress for that of a gentle
kid; but he found his own mother as implacable, and his
father as much henpecked, as ever.
Gamaliel, who now very seldom enjoyed the conversation of
his old friend the commodore, had some time ago entered into
an amicable society, consisting of the barber, apothecary,
attorney, and exciseman of the parish, among whom he used to
spend the evening at Tunley's, and listen to their disputes
upon philosophy and politics with great comfort and
edification, while his sovereign lady domineered at home as
usual, visited with pomp in the neighbourhood, and employed
her chief care in the education of her darling son Gam, who
was now in the fifteenth year of his age, and so remarkable
for his perverse disposition, that, in spite of his mother's
influence and authority, he was not only hated, but also
despised, both at home and abroad. She had put him under the
tuition of the curate, who lived in the family, and was
obliged to attend him in all his exercises and excursions.
This governor was a low-bred fellow, who had neither
experience nor ingenuity, but possessed a large fund of
adulation and servile complaisance, by which he had gained
the good graces of Mrs. Pickle, and presided over all her
deliberations in the same manner as his superior managed
those of Mrs. Trunnion.
He had one day rode out to take the air with his pupil,
who, as I have already observed, was odious to the poor
people, for having killed their dogs and broken their
inclosures, and, on account of his hump, distinguished by
the title of My Lord, when in a narrow lane they chanced to
meet Peregrine on horseback. The young squire no sooner
perceived his elder brother, for whom he had been instructed
to entertain the most inveterate grudge, than he resolved to
insult him en passant, and actually rode against him from
gallop. Our hero, guessing his aim, fixed himself in his
stirrups, and by a dexterous management of the reins avoided
the shock in such a manner as that their legs only should
encounter; by which means my lord was tilted out of his
saddle, and in a twinkling laid sprawling in the dirt. The
governor, enraged at the disgrace of his charge, advanced
with great insolence and fury, and struck at Peregrine with
his whip. Nothing could be more agreeable to our young
gentleman than this assault, which furnished him with an
opportunity of chastising an officious wretch, whose
petulance and malice he had longed to punish. He therefore,
spurring up his horse towards his antagonist, overthrew him
in the middle of a hedge. Before he had time to recollect
himself from the confusion of the fall, Pickle alighted in a
trice, and exercised his horsewhip with such agility about
the curate's face and ears, that he was fain to prostrate
himself before his enraged conqueror, and implore his
forbearance in the most abject terms. While Peregrine was
thus employed, his brother Gam had made shift to rise and
attack him in the rear; for which reason, when the tutor was
quelled, the victor faced about, snatched the weapon out of
his hand, and having broken it to pieces, remounted his
horse and rode off, without deigning to honour him with any
other notice.
The condition in which they returned produced infinite
clamour against the conqueror, who was represented as a
ruffian who had lain in ambush to make away with his
brother, in whose defence the curate was said to have
received those cruel stripes that hindered him from
appearing for three whole weeks in the performance of his
duty at church. Complaints were made to the commodore, who,
having inquired into the circumstances of the affair,
approved of what his nephew had done, adding, with many
oaths, that provided Peregrine had been out of the scrape,
he wished Crook-back had broken his neck in the fall.
CHAPTER XXIX.
He projects a plan of Revenge, which is executed against the
Curate.
Our hero, exasperated at the villainy of the curate, in
the treacherous misrepresentation he had made of this
encounter, determined to rise upon him a method of revenge,
which should be not only effectual but also unattended any
bad consequence to himself. For this purpose he and
Hatchway, to whom he imparted his plan, went to the
ale-house one evening, and called for an empty room, knowing
there was no other but that which they had chosen for the
scene of action. This apartment was a sort of a parlour that
fronted the kitchen, with a window towards the yard, where
after they had sat some time, the lieutenant found means to
amuse the landlord in discourse, while Peregrine, stepping
out into the yard, by the talent of mimickry, which he
possessed in a surprising degree, counterfeited a dialogue
between the curate and Tunley's wife. This reaching the ears
of the publican, for whose hearing it was calculated,
inflamed his naturally jealous disposition to such a degree,
that he could not conceal his emotion, but made a hundred
efforts to quit the room; while the lieutenant, smoking his
pipe with great gravity, as if he neither heard what passed
nor took notice of the landlord's disorder, detained him on
the spot by a succession of questions, which he could not
refuse to answer, though he stood sweating with agony all
the time, stretching his neck every instant towards the
window through which the voices were conveyed, scratching
his head, and exhibiting sundry other symptoms of impatience
and agitation. At length the supposed conversation came to
such a pitch of amorous complaisance, that the husband,
quite frantic with his imaginary disgrace, rushed out of the
door crying, "Coming, sir;" but as he was obliged to make a
circuit round one-half of the house, Peregrine had got in by
the window before Tunley arrived in the yard.
According to the feigned intelligence he had received, he
ran directly to the barn, in expectation of making some very
extraordinary discovery; and having employed some minutes in
rummaging the straw to no purpose, returned in a state of
distraction to the kitchen, just as his wife chanced to
enter at the other door. The circumstance of her appearance
confirmed him in the opinion that the deed was done. As the
disease of being henpecked was epidemic in the parish, he
durst not express the least hint of his uneasiness to her,
but resolved to take vengeance on the libidinous priest, who
he imagined had corrupted the chastity of his spouse.
The two confederates, in order to be certified that their
scheme had taken effect, as well as to blow up the flame
which they had kindled, called for Tunley, in whose
countenance they could easily discern his confusion.
Peregrine, desiring him to sit down and drink a glass with
them, began to interrogate him about his family, and, among
other things, asked him how long he had been married to that
handsome wife. This question, which was put with an arch
significance of look, alarmed the publican, who began to
fear that Pickle had overheard his dishonour; and this
suspicion was not at all removed when the lieutenant, with a
sly regard, pronounced "Tunley warn't you noosed by the
curate?" "Yes, is was," replied the landlord, with an
eagerness and perplexity of tone, as if he thought the
lieutenant knew that thereby hang a tale: and Hatchway
supported the suspicion by "Nay, as for that matter, the
curate may be a very sufficient man in his way." This
transition from his wife to the curate convinced him that
his shame was known to his guests; and, in the transport of
his indignation, he pronounced with great emphasis, "A
sufficient man! Odds heart! I believe they are all wolves in
sheep's clothing. I wish to God I could see the day, master,
when there shall not be a priest, an exciseman, or a
custom-house officer in the kingdom. As for that fellow of a
curate, if I do catch him—It don't signify talking—But, by
the Lord!—Gentlemen, my service to you."
The associates being satisfied, by these abrupt
insinuations, that they had so far succeeded in their aim,
waited with impatience two or three days in expectation of
hearing that Tunley had fallen upon some method of being
revenged for this imaginary wrong; but finding that either
his invention was too shallow, or his inclination too
languid, to gratify their desire of his own accord, they
determined to bring the affair to such a crisis, that he
should not be able to withstand the opportunity of executing
his vengeance. With this view, they one evening hired a boy
to run to Mr. Pickle's house, and tell the curate that Mrs.
Tunley being taken suddenly ill, her husband desired he
would come immediately and pray with her. They had taken
possession of a room in the house and Hatchway engaging the
landlord in conversation, Peregrine, in his return from the
yard, observed, as if by accident, that the parson was gone
into the kitchen, in order, as he supposed, to catechise
Tunley's wife.
The publican started at this intelligence, and, under
pretence of serving another company in the next room, went
out to the barn, where, arming himself with a flail, he
repaired to a lane through which the curate was under a
necessity of passing in his way home. There he lay in ambush
with fell intent; and when the supposed author of his shame
arrived, greeted him in the dark with such a salutation as
forced him to stagger backward three paces at least. If the
second application had taken effect, in all probability that
spot would have been the boundary of the parson's mortal
peregrination; but luckily for him, his antagonist was not
expert in the management of his weapon, which, by a twist of
the thong that connected the legs, instead of pitching upon
the head of the astonished curate, descended in an oblique
direction on his own pate, with such a swing that the skull
actually rang like an apothecary's mortar, and ten thousand
lights seemed to dance before his eyes. The curate
recollecting himself during the respite he obtained from
this accident, and believing his aggressor to be some thief
who lurked in that place for prey, resolved to make a
running fight, until he should arrive within cry of his
habitation. With this design he raised up his cudgel for the
defence of his head, and, betaking himself to his heels,
began to roar for help with the lungs of a Stentor. Tunley,
throwing away the flail, which he durst no longer trust with
the execution of his revenge, pursued the fugitive with all
the speed he could exert; and the other, either unnerved by
fear or stumbling over a stone, was overtaken before he had
run a hundred paces. He no sooner felt the wind of the
publican's fist that whistled round his ears, than he fell
flat upon the earth at full length, and the cudgel flew from
his unclasping hand; when Tunley, springing like a tiger on
his back, rained such a shower of blows upon his carcase,
that he imagined himself under the discipline of ten pairs
of fists at least; yet the imaginary cuckold, not satisfied
with annoying the priest in this manner, laid hold of one of
his ears with his teeth, and bit so unmercifully, that the
curate was found almost entranced with pain by two
labourers, at whose approach the assailant retreated
unperceived.
The lieutenant had posted himself at the window, in order
to see the landlord at his first return: and no sooner
perceived him enter the yard, than he called him into the
apartment, impatient to learn the effects of their
stratagem. Tunley obeyed the summons, and appeared before
his guests in all the violence of rage, disorder, and
fatigue: his nostrils were dilated more than one-half beyond
their natural capacity, his eyes rolled, his teeth
chattered, he snored in breathing as if he had been
oppressed by the nightmare, and streams of sweat flowed down
each side of his forehead.
Peregrine, affecting to start at the approach of such an
uncouth figure, asked if he had been with a spirit; upon
which he answered, with great vehemence, "Spirit! No, no,
master, I have had a roll and tumble with the flesh. A dog.
I'll teach him to come a caterwauling about my doors."
Guessing from this reply, that his aim was accomplished, and
curious to know the particulars of the rencounter, "Well,
then," said the youth, "I hope you have prevailed against
the flesh, Tunley."—"Yes, yes," answered the publican, "I
have cooled his capissens, as the saying is: I have played
such a tune about his ears, that I'll be bound he shan't
long for music this month. A goatish, man-faced rascal! Why,
he's a perfect parish bull, as I hope to live."
Hatchway, observing that he seemed to have made a stout
battle, desired he would sit down and recover wind; and
after he had swallowed a brace of bumpers, his vanity
prompted him to expatiate upon his own exploit in such a
manner, that the confederates, without seeming to know the
curate was his antagonist, became acquainted with every
circumstance of the ambuscade.
Tunley had scarce got the better of his agitation, when
his wife, entering the room, told them, by way of news, that
some waggish body had sent Mr. Sackbut the curate to pray
with her. This name inflamed the husband's choler anew; and,
forgetting all his complaisance for his spouse, he replied
with a rancorous grin, "Add rabbit him! I doubt not but you
found his admonitions deadly comfortable!" The landlady,
looking at her vassal with a sovereign aspect, "What
crotchets," said she, "have you got in your fool's head, I
trow? I know no business you have to sit here like a
gentleman with your arms akimbo, there's another company in
the house to be served." The submissive husband took the
hint, and without further expostulation sneaked out of the
room.
Next day it was reported that Mr. Sackbut had been
waylaid and almost murdered by robbers, and an advertisement
was pasted upon the church-door, offering a reward to any
person that should discover the assassin; but he reaped no
satisfaction from this expedient, and was confined to his
chamber a whole fortnight, by the bruises he had received.
CHAPTER XXX.
Mr. Sackbut and his Pupil conspire against Peregrine, who,
being apprised of their Design by his Sister, takes measures
for counterworking their Scheme, which is executed by
mistake upon Mr. Gauntlet—this young Soldier meets with a
cordial reception from the Commodore, who generously decoys
him into his own interest.
When he considered the circumstances of the ambuscade, he
could not persuade himself that he had been assaulted by a
common thief, because it was not to be supposed that a
robber would have amused himself in pummeling rather than in
rifling his prey; he therefore ascribed his misfortune to
the secret enmity of some person who had a design upon his
life; and, upon mature deliberation, fixed his suspicion
upon Peregrine, who was the only man on earth from whom he
thought he deserved such treatment. He communicated his
conjecture to his pupil, who readily adopted his opinion,
and advised him strenuously to revenge the wrong by a like
contrivance, without seeking to make a narrower inquiry,
lest his enemy should be thereby put upon his guard.
This proposal being relished, they in concert revolved
the means of retorting the ambush with interest, and
actually laid such a villainous plan for attacking our hero
in the dark, that, had it been executed according to their
intention, the young gentleman's scheme of travelling would
have been effectually marred. But their machinations were
overheard by Miss Pickle, who was now in the seventeenth
year of her age, and, in spite of the prejudice of
education, entertained in secret a most sisterly affection
for her brother Perry, though she had never spoken to him,
and was deterred by the precepts, vigilance and menaces of
her mother, from attempting any means of meeting him in
private. She was not, however, insensible to his praise,
which was loudly sounded forth in the neighbourhood; and
never failed of going to church, and every other place,
where she thought she might have an opportunity of seeing
this amiable brother. With these sentiments it cannot be
supposed that she would hear the conspiracy without emotion.
She was shocked at the treacherous barbarity of Gam, and
shuddered at the prospect of the danger to which Peregrine
would be exposed from their malice. She durst not
communicate this plot to her mother, because she was afraid
that lady's unaccountable aversion for her first-born would
hinder her from interposing in his behalf, and consequently
render her a sort of accomplice in the guilt of his
assassins. She therefore resolved to warn Peregrine of the
conspiracy, on account of which she transmitted to him in an
affectionate letter, by means of a young gentleman in that
neighbourhood, who made his addresses to her at that time,
and who, at her request, offered his service to our hero, in
defeating the projects of his adversaries.
Peregrine was startled when he read the particulars of
their scheme, which was no other than an intention to sally
upon him when he should be altogether unprovided against
such an attack, cut off his ears, and otherwise mutilate him
in such a manner that he should have no cause to be vain of
his person for the future. Incensed as he was against the
brutal disposition of his own father's son, he could not
help being moved at the integrity and tenderness of his
sister, of whose inclinations towards him he had been
hitherto kept in ignorance. He thanked the gentleman for his
honourable dealing, and expressed a desire of being better
acquainted with his virtues; told him that now he was
cautioned, he hoped there would be no necessity for giving
him any further trouble, and wrote by him a letter of
acknowledgment to his sister, for whom he expressed the
utmost love and regard, beseeching her to favour him with an
interview before his departure, that he might indulge his
fraternal fondness, and be blessed with the company and
countenance of one at least belonging to his own family.
Having imparted this discovery to his friend Hatchway, they
came to a resolution of countermining the plan of their
enemies. As they did not choose to expose themselves to the
insinuations of slander, which would have exerted itself at
their expense, had they, even in defending themselves,
employed any harsh means of retaliation, they invented a
method of disappointing and disgracing their foes, and
immediately set Pipes at work to forward the preparations.
Miss Pickle having described the spot which the assassins
had pitched upon for the scene of their vengeance, our
triumvirate intended to have placed a sentinel among the
corn, who should come and give them intelligence when the
ambuscade was laid; and, in consequence of that information,
they would steal softly towards the place, attended by three
or four of the domestics, and draw a large net over the
conspirators, who, being entangled in the toil, should be
disarmed, fettered, heartily scourged, and suspended between
two trees in the snare, as a spectacle to all passengers
that should chance to travel that way.
The plan being thus digested, and the commodore
acquainted with the whole affair, the spy was sent upon
duty, and everybody within-doors prepared to go forth upon
the first notice. One whole evening did they spend in the
most impatient expectation, but on the second the scout
crept into the garrison, and assured them that he had
perceived three men skulking behind the hedge, on the road
that led to the public-house from which Peregrine and the
lieutenant used every night to return about that hour. Upon
this intelligence the confederates set out immediately with
all their implements. Approaching the scene with as little
noise as possible, they heard the sound of blows; and,
though the night was dark, perceived a sort of tumultuous
conflict on the very spot which the conspirators had
possessed. Surprised at this occurrence, the meaning of
which he could not comprehend, Peregrine ordered his
myrmidons to halt and reconnoitre; and immediately his ears
were saluted with an exclamation of "You shan't 'scape me,
rascal." The voice being quite familiar to him, he at once
divined the cause of that confusion which they had observed;
and running up to the assistance of the exclaimer, found a
fellow on his knees begging his life of Mr. Gauntlet, who
stood over him with a naked hanger in his hand.
Pickle instantly made himself known to his friend, who
told him, that having left his horse at Tunley's, he was, in
his way to the garrison, set upon by three ruffians, one of
whom being the very individual person now in his power, had
come behind him, and struck with a bludgeon at his head,
which, however, he missed, and the instrument descended on
his left shoulder; that, upon drawing his hanger, and laying
about him in the dark, the other two fled, leaving their
companion, whom he had disabled, in the lurch.
Peregrine congratulated him on his safety, and having
ordered Pipes to secure the prisoner, conducted Mr. Gauntlet
to the garrison, where he met with a very hearty reception
from the commodore, to whom he was introduced as his
nephew's intimate friend; not but that, in all likelihood,
he would have abated somewhat of his hospitality had he
known that he was the brother of Perry's mistress; but her
name the old gentleman had never thought of asking, when he
inquired into the particulars of his godson's amour.
The captive being examined, in presence of Trunnion and
all his adherents, touching the ambuscade, owned that being
in the service of Gam Pickle, he had been prevailed upon, by
the solicitations of his master and the Curate, to accompany
them in their expedition, and undertake the part which he
had acted against the stranger, whom he and his employers
mistook for Peregrine. In consideration of this frank
acknowledgment, and a severe wound he had received in his
right arm, they resolved to inflict no other punishment on
this malefactor than to detain him all night in the
garrison, and next morning carry him before a justice of the
peace, to whom he repeated all he had said overnight, and
with his own hand subscribed his confession, copies of which
were handed about the neighbourhood, to the unspeakable
confusion and disgrace of the curate and his promising
pupil.
Meanwhile Trunnion treated the young soldier with
uncommon marks of respect, being prepossessed in his favour
by this adventure, which he had so gallantly achieved, as
well as by the encomiums that Peregrine bestowed upon his
valour and generosity. He liked his countenance, which was
bold and hardy, admired his Herculean limbs, and delighted
in asking questions concerning the service he had seen. The
day after his arrival, while the conversation turned on this
last subject, the commodore, taking the pipe out of his
month, "I'll tell ye what, brother," said he;
"five-and-forty years ago, when I was third lieutenant of
the Warwick man-of-war, there was a very stout young fellow
on board, a subaltern officer of marines; his name was not
unlike your own, d'ye see, being Guntlet, with a G. I
remember he and I could not abide one another at first,
because, d'ye see, I was a sailor and he a landsman; till we
fell in with a Frenchman, whom we engaged for eight glasses,
and at length boarded and took. I was the first man that
stood on the enemy's deck, and should have come scurvily
off, d'ye see, if Guntlet had not jumped to my assistance;
but we soon cleared ship, and drove them to close quarters,
so that they were obliged to strike; and from that day
Guntlet and I were sworn brothers as long as he remained on
board. He was exchanged into a marching regiment, and what
became of him afterwards, Lord in heaven knows; but this
I'll say of him, whether he be dead or alive, he feared no
man that ever wore a head, and was, moreover, a very hearty
messmate."
The stranger's breast glowed at this eulogium, which was
no sooner pronounced than he eagerly asked if the French
ship was not the Diligence? The commodore replied, with a
stare, "The very same, my lad."—"Then," said Gauntlet, "the
person of whom you are pleased to make such honourable
mention was my own father."—"The devil he was!" cried
Trunnion, shaking him by the hand: "I am rejoiced to see a
son of Ned Guntlet in my house."
This discovery introduced a thousand questions, in the
course of which the old gentleman learned the situation of
his friend's family, and discharged innumerable execrations
upon the ingratitude and injustice of the ministry, which
had failed to provide for the son of such a brave soldier.
Nor was his friendship confined to such ineffectual
expressions; he that same evening signified to Peregrine a
desire of doing something for his friend. This inclination
was so much praised, encouraged, and promoted by his godson,
and even supported by his councilor Hatchway, that our hero
was empowered to present him with a sum of money sufficient
to purchase a commission.
Though nothing could be more agreeable to Pickle than
this permission, he was afraid that Godfrey's scrupulous
disposition would hinder him from subjecting himself to any
such obligation; and therefore proposed that he should be
decoyed into his own interest by a feigned story, in
consequence of which he would be prevailed upon to accept of
the money, as a debt which the commodore had contracted of
his father at sea. Trunnion made wry faces at this
expedient, the necessity of which he could not conceive,
without calling in question the common sense of Gauntlet; as
he took it for granted that such offers as those were not to
be rejected on any consideration whatever. Besides, he could
not digest an artifice, by which he himself must own that he
had lived so many years without manifesting the least
intention of doing justice to his creditor. All these
objections, however, were removed by the zeal and rhetoric
of Peregrine, who represented that it would be impossible to
befriend him on any other terms; that his silence hitherto
would be imputed to his want of information touching the
circumstances and condition of his friend; and that his
remembering and insisting upon discharging the obligation,
after such an interval of time, when the whole affair was in
oblivion, would be the greatest compliment he could pay to
his own honour and integrity.
Thus persuaded, he took an opportunity of Gauntlet's
being alone with him to broach the affair, telling the young
man that his father had advanced a sum of money for him,
when they sailed together, on account of the mess, as well
as to stop the mouth of a clamorous creditor at Portsmouth;
and that the said sum, with interest, amounted to about four
hundred pounds, which he would now, with great thankfulness,
repay.
Godfrey was amazed at this declaration, and, after a
considerable pause, replied, that he had never heard his
parents mention any such debt; that no memorandum or voucher
of it was found among his father's papers; and that, in all
probability, it must have been discharged long ago, although
the commodore, in such a long course of time and hurry of
occupation, might have forgotten the repayment: he therefore
desired to be excused from accepting what in his own
conscience he believed was not his due; and complemented the
old gentleman upon his being so scrupulously just and
honourable.
The soldier's refusal, which was matter of astonishment
to Trunnion, increased his inclination to assist him; and,
on pretence of acquitting his own character, he urged his
beneficence with such obstinacy, that Gauntlet, afraid of
disobliging him, was in a manner compelled to receive a
draft for the money; for which he subscribed an ample
discharge, and immediately transmitted the order to his
mother, whom at the same time he informed of the
circumstances by which they had so unexpectedly gained this
accession of fortune.
Such a piece of news could not fail of being agreeable to
Mrs. Gauntlet, who by the first post wrote a polite letter
of acknowledgment to the commodore; another to her own son,
importing that she had already sent the draft to a friend in
London, with directions to deposit it in the hands of a
certain banker, for the purchase of the first ensigncy to be
sold; and she took the liberty of sending a third to
Peregrine, couched in very affectionate terms, with a kind
postscript, signed by Miss Sophy and his charming Emily.
This affair being transacted to the satisfaction of all
concerned, preparations were set on foot for the departure
of our hero, on whom his uncle settled an annuity of eight
hundred pounds, being little less than one half of his whole
income. By this time, indeed, the old gentleman could easily
afford to alienate such a part of his fortune, because he
entertained little or no company, kept few servants, and was
remarkably plain and frugal in his housekeeping. Mrs.
Trunnion being now some years on the wrong side of fifty,
her infirmities began to increase; and though her pride had
suffered no diminution, her vanity was altogether subdued by
her avarice.
A Swiss valet-de-chambre, who had already made the tour
of Europe, was hired for the care of Peregrine's own person.
Pipes being ignorant of the French language, as well as
otherwise unfit for the office of a fashionable attendant,
it was resolved that he should remain in garrison; and his
place was immediately supplied by a Parisian lacquey engaged
at London for that purpose. Pipes did not seem to relish
this disposition of things; and though he made no verbal
objections to it, looked remarkably sour at his successor
upon his first arrival; but this sullen fit seemed gradually
to wear off; and long before his master's departure, he had
recovered his natural tranquility and unconcern.
CHAPTER XXXI.
The two young Gentlemen display their talents for Gallantry,
in the course of which they are involved in a ludicrous
circumstance of Distress, and afterwards take Vengeance on
the Author of their Mishap.
Meanwhile our hero and his new friend, together with
honest Jack Hatchway, made daily excursions into the
country, visited the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, and
frequently accompanied them to the chase; all three being
exceedingly caressed on account of their talents, which
could accommodate themselves with great facility to the
tempers and turns of their entertainers. The lieutenant was
a droll in his way, Peregrine possessed a great fund of
sprightliness and good-humour, and Godfrey, among his other
qualifications already recited, sang a most excellent song;
so that the company of this triumvirate was courted in all
parties, whether male or female: and if the hearts of our
young gentlemen had not been pre-engaged, they would have
met with opportunities in abundance of displaying their
address in the art of love: not but that they gave loose to
their gallantry without much interesting their affections,
and amused themselves with little intrigues, which, in the
opinion of a man of pleasure, do not affect his fidelity to
the acknowledged sovereign of his soul.
In the midst of these amusements, our hero received an
intimation from his sister, that she should be overjoyed to
meet him next day, at five o'clock in the afternoon, at the
house of her nurse, who lived in a cottage hard by her
father's habitation, she being debarred from all opportunity
of seeing him in any other place by the severity of her
mother, who suspected her inclination. He accordingly obeyed
the summons, and went at the time appointed to the place of
rendezvous, where he met this affectionate young lady, who
when he entered the room, ran towards him with all the
eagerness of transport, flung her arms about his neck, and
shed a flood of tears in his bosom before she could utter
one word, except a repetition of My dear, dear brother! He
embraced her with all the piety of fraternal tenderness,
wept over her in his turn, assured her that this was one of
the happiest moments of his life, and kindly thanked her for
having resisted the example, and disobeyed the injunctions,
of his mother's unnatural aversion.
He was ravished to find, by her conversation, that she
possessed a great share of sensibility and prudent
reflection; for she lamented the infatuation of her parents
with the most filial regret, and expressed such abhorrence
and concern at the villainous disposition of her younger
brother as a humane sister may be supposed to have
entertained. He made her acquainted with all the
circumstances of his own fortune; and, as he supposed she
spent her time very disagreeably at home, among characters
which must be shockingly interesting, professed a desire of
removing her into some other sphere, where she could live
with more tranquility and satisfaction.
She objected to this proposal as an expedient that would
infallibly subject her to the implacable resentment of her
mother, whose favour and affection she at present enjoyed
but in a very inconsiderable degree; and they had canvassed
divers schemes of corresponding for the future, when the
voice of Mrs. Pickle was heard at the door. Miss Julia (that
was the young lady's name), finding herself betrayed, was
seized with a violent agitation of fear; and Peregrine
scarce had time to encourage her with a promise of
protection, before the door of the apartment being flung
open, this irreconcilable parent rushed in, and, with a
furious aspect, flew directly at her trembling daughter,
when, the son interposing, received the first discharge of
her fury.
Her eyes gleamed with all the rage of indignation, which
choked up her utterance, and seemed to convulse her whole
frame: she twisted her left hand in his hair, and with the
other buffeted him about the face till the blood gushed from
his nostrils and mouth; while he defended his sister from
the cruelty of Gam, who assaulted her from another quarter,
seeing his brother engaged. This attack lasted several
minutes with great violence, till at length Peregrine,
finding himself in danger of being overpowered if he should
remain any longer on the defensive, laid his brother on his
back; then he disentangled his mother's hand from his own
hair, and, having pushed her gently out of the room, bolted
the door on the inside; finally, turning to Gam, he threw
him out at the window, among a parcel of hogs that fed under
it. By this time Julia was almost quite distracted with
terror: she knew she had offended beyond all hope of
forgiveness, and from that moment considered herself as an
exile from her father's house: in vain did her brother
strive to console her with fresh protestations of love and
protection; she counted herself extremely miserable in being
obliged to endure the eternal resentment of a parent with
whom she had hitherto lived; and dreaded the censure of the
world, which, from her mother's misrepresentation, she was
sensible would condemn her unheard. That she might not,
however, neglect any means in her power of averting this
storm, she resolved to appease, if possible, her mother's
wrath with humiliation, and even appeal to the influence of
her father, weak as it was, before she would despair of
being forgiven. But the good lady spared her this
unnecessary application, by telling her, through the
keyhole, that she must never expect to come within her
father's door again; for, from that hour, she renounced her
as unworthy of her affection and regard. Julia, weeping
bitterly, endeavoured to soften the rigour of this sentence
by the most submissive and reasonable remonstrances; but as,
in her vindication, she of necessity espoused her elder
brother's cause, her endeavours, instead of soothing, served
only to exasperate her mother to a higher pitch of
indignation, which discharged itself in invectives against
Peregrine, whom she reviled with the epithets of a
worthless, abandoned reprobate.
The youth, hearing these unjust aspersions, trembled with
resentment through every limb, assuring the upbraider that
he considered her as an object of compassion; "for without
all doubt," said he, "your diabolical rancour must be
severely punished by the thorns of your own conscience,
which this very instant taxes you with the malice and
falsehood of your reproaches. As for my sister, I bless God
that you have not been able to infect her with your
unnatural prejudice, which, because she is too just, too
virtuous, too humane to imbibe, you reject her as an alien
to your blood, and turn her out unprovided into a barbarous
world. But even there your vicious purpose shall be
defeated: that same Providence, that screened me from the
cruelty of your hate, shall extend its protection to her,
until I shall find it convenient to assert by law that right
of maintenance which Nature, it seems, hath bestowed upon us
in vain. In the mean time, you will enjoy the satisfaction
of paying an undivided attention to that darling son, whose
amiable qualities have so long engaged and engrossed your
love and esteem."
This freedom of expostulation exalted his mother's ire to
mere frenzy: she cursed him with the bitterest imprecations,
and raved like a bedlamite at the door, which she attempted
to burst open. Her efforts were seconded by her favourite
son, who denounced vengeance against Peregrine, and made
furious assaults against the lock, which resisted all their
applications, until our hero espying his friends Gauntlet
and Pipes stepping over a stile that stood about a furlong
from the window, called them to his assistance: giving them
to understand how he was besieged, he desired they would
keep off his mother, that he might the more easily secure
his sister Julia's retreat. The young soldier entered
accordingly, and, posting, himself between Mrs. Pickle and
the door, gave the signal to his friend, who, lifting up his
sister in his arms, carried her safe without the clutches of
this she-dragon, while Pipes, with his cudgel, kept young
master at bay.
The mother, being thus deprived of her prey, sprang upon
Gauntlet like a lioness robbed of her whelps; and he must
have suffered sorely in the flesh, had he not prevented her
mischievous intent by seizing both her wrists, and so
keeping her at due distance. In attempting to disengage
herself from his grasp, she struggled with such exertion,
and suffered such agony of passion at the same time, that
she actually fell into a severe fit, during which she was
put to bed, and the confederates retired without further
molestation.
In the mean time, Peregrine was not a little perplexed
about the disposal of his sister, whom he had rescued. He
could not endure the thoughts of saddling the commodore with
a new expense; and he was afraid of undertaking the charge
of Julia, without his benefactor's advice and direction: for
the present, however, he carried her to the house of a
gentleman in the neighbourhood, whose lady was her
godmother, where she was received with great tenderness and
condolence; and he purposed to inquire for some creditable
house, where she might be genteelly boarded in his absence;
resolving to maintain her from the savings of his own
allowance, which he thought might very well bear such
reduction. But this intention was frustrated by the
publication of the whole affair, which was divulged next
day, and soon reached the ears of Trunnion, who chid his
godson for having concealed the adventure; and, with the
approbation of his wife, ordered him to bring Julia
forthwith to the garrison. The young gentleman, with tears
of gratitude in his eyes, explained his design of
maintaining her at his own expense, and earnestly begged
that he might not be deprived of that satisfaction. But his
uncle was deaf to all his entreaties, and insisted upon her
living in the garrison, though for no other reason than that
of being company to her aunt, who, he observed, was lost for
want of conversation.
Julia was accordingly brought home, and settled under the
tuition of Mrs. Trunnion, who, whatever face she might put
on the matter, could have dispensed with the society of her
niece, though she was not without hope of gratifying her
pique to Mrs. Pickle, by the intelligence she would receive
from the daughter of that lady's economy and domestic
behaviour. The mother herself seemed conscious of this
advantage which her sister-in-law had now gained over her,
being as much chagrined at the news of Julia's reception in
the garrison, as if she had heard of her own husband's
death. She even tortured her invention to propagate
calumnies against the reputation of her own daughter, whom
she slandered in all companies; she exclaimed against the
commodore as an old ruffian, who spirited up rebellion among
her children, and imputed the hospitality of his wife, in
countenancing them, to nothing else but her inveterate
enmity to their mother, whom they had disobliged. She now
insisted, in the most peremptory terms, upon her husband's
renouncing all commerce with the old lad of the castle and
his adherents; and Mr. Gamaliel, having by this time
contracted other friendships, readily submitted to her will;
nay, even refused to communicate with the commodore one
night, when they happened to meet by accident at the
public-house.
CHAPTER XXXII.
The Commodore sends a Challenge to Gamaliel, and is imposed
upon by a waggish invention of the Lieutenant, Peregrine,
and Gauntlet.
This affront Trunnion could by no means digest: he
advised with the lieutenant upon the subject; and the result
of their consultation was a defiance which the old commander
sent to Pickle, demanding that he would meet him at such a
place on horseback with a brace of pistols, and give
satisfaction for the slight he had put upon him. Nothing
could have afforded more pleasure to Jack than the
acceptance of this challenge, which he delivered verbally to
Mr. Gamaliel, who was called out from the club at Tunley's
for that purpose. The nature of this message had an
instantaneous effect upon the constitution of the pacific
Pickle, whose bowels yearned with apprehension, and
underwent such violent agitation on the spot, that one would
have thought the operation proceeded from some severe joke
of the apothecary which he had swallowed in his beer.
The messenger, despairing of a satisfactory answer, left
him in this woeful condition; and being loath to lose any
opportunity of raising the laugh against the commodore, went
immediately and communicated the whole affair to the young
gentlemen, entreating them, for the love of God, to concert
some means of bringing old Hannibal into the field. The two
friends relished the proposal; and after some deliberation,
it was resolved that Hatchway should tell Trunnion his
invitation was accepted by Gamaliel, who would meet him at
the place appointed, with his second, to-morrow in the
twilight, because, if either should fall, the other would
have the chance of escaping in the dark; that Godfrey should
personate old Pickle's friend, and Peregrine represent his
own father; while the lieutenant should take care in loading
the pistols to keep out the shot, so that no damage might be
done in the rencounter.
These circumstances being adjusted, the lieutenant
returned to his principal with a most thundering reply from
his antagonist, whose courageous behaviour, though it could
not intimidate, did not fail to astonish the commodore, who
ascribed it to the spirit of his wife, which had inspired
him. Trunnion that instant desired his counsellor to prepare
his cartridge-box, and order the quietest horse in the
stable to be kept ready saddled for the occasion; his eye
seemed to lighten with alacrity and pleasure at the prospect
of smelling gunpowder once more before his death; and when
Jack advised him to make his will, in case of accident, he
rejected his counsel with disdain, saying, "What! dost thou
think that Hawser Trunnion, who has stood the fire of so
many floating batteries, runs any risk from the lousy pops
of a landman? Thou shalt see, thou shalt see, how I'll make
him lower his topsails."
Next day Peregrine and the soldier provided themselves
with horses at the public-house, from whence, at the
destined hour, they rode to the field of battle, each of
them being muffed in a great coat, which, with the dimness
of the light, effectually shielded them from the knowledge
of the one-eyed commander, who, having taken horse, on
pretence of enjoying the fresh air, soon appeared with
Hatchway in his rear. When they came within sight of each
other, the seconds advanced, in order to divide the ground,
and regulate the measures of the combat; when it was
determined by mutual consent, that two pistols should be
discharged on each side, and that if neither should prove
decisive, recourse must be had to the broad-swords, in order
to ascertain the victory. These articles being settled, the
opponents rode forward to their respective stations, when
Peregrine, cocking his pistol, and presenting, counterfeited
his father's voice, bidding Trunnion take care of his
remaining eye.
The commodore took his advice, being unwilling to hazard
his daylight, and very deliberately opposed the patched side
of his face to the muzzle of his antagonist's piece,
desiring him to do his duty without farther jaw. The young
man accordingly fired; and the distance being small, the wad
of his pistol took place with a smart stroke on the forehead
of Trunnion. Mistaking it for a ball, which he thought
lodged in his brain, spurred up his steed in a state of
desperation towards his antagonist, and holding his piece
within two yards of his body, let it off, without any regard
to the laws of battle. Surprised and enraged to see it had
made no impression, he halloed, in a terrible tone, "O!
d-ye, you have your netting stuffed, I see;" and advancing,
he discharged his second pistol so near his godson's head,
that had he not been defended by his great coat, the powder
must have scorched his face. Having thus thrown away his
fire, he remained at the mercy of Peregrine, who clapping
the piece he had in reserve to his head, commanded him to
beg his life, and ask pardon for his presumption. The
commodore made no reply to this imperious injunction; but,
dropping his pistol, and unsheathing his broad-sword in an
instant, attacked our hero with such incredible agility,
that if he had not made shift to ward off the stroke with
his piece, the adventure, in all likelihood, would have
turned out a very tragical joke.
Peregrine finding it would be in vain for him to think of
drawing his weapon, or of standing on the defensive against
this furious aggressor, very fairly clapped spurs to his
nag, and sought his safety in flight. Trunnion pursued him
with infinite eagerness; and his steed being the better of
the two, would have overtaken the fugitive to his peril, had
he not been unfortunately encountered by the boughs of a
tree, that happened to stand on his blind side, and
incommoded him so much, that he was fain to quit his sword,
and lay hold on the mane in order to maintain his seat.
Perry perceiving his disaster, wheeled about, and now
finding leisure to produce his weapon, returned upon his
disarmed foe, brandishing his Ferrara, threatening to make
him shorter by the head if he would not immediately crave
quarter and yield. There was nothing farther from the
intention of the old gentleman than such submission, which
he flatly refused to pay, alleging that he had already
compelled his enemy to clap on all sails, and that his own
present misfortune was owing to accident; all one as if a
ship should be attacked, after she had been obliged to heave
her guns overboard in a storm.
Before Peregrine had time to answer this remonstrance,
the lieutenant interposed, and taking cognizance of the
case, established a truce, until he and the other second
should discuss and decide upon the merits of the case. They
accordingly retired to a small distance; and after having
conferred a few minutes, Hatchway returned and pronounced
the commodore vanquished by the chance of war.
Never was rage more than that which took possession of
old Hannibal, when he heard the sentence: it was some time
before he could utter aught, except the reproachful
expression, "You lie!" which he repeated more than twenty
times, in a sort of delirious insensibility. When he
recovered the further use of speech, he abused the
arbitrators with such bitter invectives, renouncing their
sentence, and appealing to another trial, that the
confederates began to repent of having carried the joke so
far; and Peregrine, in order to appease his choler, owned
himself overcome.
This acknowledgment calmed the tumult of his wrath,
though he could not for some days forgive the lieutenant;
and the two young gentlemen rode back to Tunley's, while
Hatchway, taking the commodore's horse by the bridle,
reconducted him to his mansion, growling all the way to Jack
for his unjust and unfriendly decree; though he could not
help observing, as how he had made his words good, in making
his adversary to strike his top-sails: "And yet," said he,
"before God! I think the fellow's head is made of a
wood-pack: for my shot rebounded from his face like a wad of
spun-yarn from the walls of a ship. But if so be that son of
a b— of a tree hadn't come athwart my weather-bow, d'ye see,
I'll be d—d if I hadn't snapt his main-yard in the slings,
and mayhap let out his bulge-water into the bargain." He
seemed particularly vain of this exploit, which dwelt upon
his imagination, and was cherished as the child of his old
age; for though he could not with decency rehearse it to the
young men and his wife at supper, he gave hints of his own
manhood, even at these years, and attested Hatchway as a
voucher for his mettle; while the triumvirate, diverted by
his vanity, enjoyed in secret the success of their
imposition.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
Peregrine takes leave of his Aunt and Sister—Sets out from
the Garrison-Parts with his Uncle and Hatchway on the Road,
and with his Governor arrives in safety at Dover.
This, however, was the last effort of invention which
they practised upon him; and everything being now prepared
for the departure of his godson, that hopeful youth in two
days took leave of all his friends in the neighbourhood. He
was closeted two whole hours with his aunt, who enriched him
with many pious advices, recapitulated all the benefits
which, through her means, had been conferred upon him since
his infancy, cautioned him against the temptations of lewd
women, who bring many a man to a morsel of bread, laid
strict injunctions upon him to live in the fear of the Lord
and the true Protestant faith, to eschew quarrels and
contention, to treat Mr. Jolter with reverence and regard,
and above all things to abstain from the beastly sin of
drunkenness, which exposes a man to the scorn and contempt
of his fellow-creatures, and, by divesting him of reason and
reflection, renders him fit for all manner of vice and
debauchery. She recommended to him economy, and the care of
his health, bade him remember the honour of his family, and
in all the circumstances of his behaviour, assured him that
he might always depend upon the friendship and generosity of
the commodore. Finally, presenting him with her own picture
set in gold, and a hundred guineas from her privy purse, she
embraced him affectionately, and wished him all manner of
happiness and prosperity.
Being thus kindly dismissed by Mrs. Trunnion, he locked
himself up with his sister Julia, whom he admonished to
cultivate her aunt with the most complaisant and respectful
attention, without stooping to any circumstance of
submission that she should judge unworthy of her practice:
he protested that his chief study should be to make her
amends for the privilege she had forfeited by her affection
for him; entreated her to enter into no engagement without
his knowledge and approbation; put into her hand the purse,
which he had received from his aunt, to defray her pocket
expenses in his absence; and parted from her, not without
tears, after she had for some minutes hung about his neck,
kissing him, and weeping in the most pathetic silence.
Having performed these duties of affection and
consanguinity over-night, he went to bed, and was, by his
own direction, called at four o'clock in the morning, when
he found the post-chaise, coach, and riding-horses ready at
the gate, his friends Gauntlet and Hatchway on foot, the
commodore himself almost dressed, and every servant in the
garrison assembled in he yard to wish him a good journey.
Our hero shook each of these humble friends by the hand,
tipping them at the same time with marks of his bounty; and
was very much surprised when he could not perceive his old
attendant Pipes among the number. When he expressed his
wonder at this disrespectful omission of Tom, some of those
present ran to his chamber, in order to give him a call; but
his hammock and room were both deserted, and they soon
returned with an account of his having eloped. Peregrine was
disturbed at this information, believing that the fellow had
taken some desperate course, in consequence of his being
dismissed from his service, and began to wish that he had
indulged his inclination, by retaining him still about his
person. However, as there was now no other remedy, he
recommended him strenuously to the particular favour and
distinction of his uncle and Hatchway, in case he should
appear again; and as he went out of the gate, was saluted
with three cheers by all the domestics in the family.
The commodore, Gauntlet, lieutenant, Peregrine, and
Jolter went into the coach together, that they might enjoy
each other's conversation as much as possible, resolving to
breakfast at an inn upon the road, where Trunnion and
Hatchway intended to bid our adventurer farewell; the
Valet-de-chambre got into the post-chaise; the French
lacquey rode one horse, and led another; one of the valets
of the garrison mounted at the back of the coach; and thus
the cavalcade set out on the road to Dover.
As the commodore could not bear the fatigue of jolting,
they travelled at an easy pace during the fist stage; so
that the old gentleman had an opportunity of communicating
his exhortations to his godson, with regard to his conduct
abroad: he advised him, now that he was going into foreign
parts, to be upon his guard against the fair weather of the
French politesse, which was no more to be trusted than a
whirlpool at sea. He observed that many young men had gone
to Paris with good cargoes of sense, and returned with a
great deal of canvas, and no ballast at all, whereby they
became crank all the days of their lives, and sometimes
carried their keels above water. He desired Mr. Jolter to
keep his pupil out of the clutches of those sharking priests
who lie in wait to make converts of all young strangers, and
in a particular manner cautioned the youth against carnal
conversation with the Parisian dames, who, he understood,
were no better than gaudy fire-ships ready primed with death
and destruction.
Peregrine listened with great respect, thanking him for
his kind admonitions, which he faithfully promised to
observe. The halted and breakfasted at the end of the stage,
where Jolter provided himself with a horse, and the
commodore settled the method of corresponding with his
nephew. The minute of parting being arrived, the old
commander wrung his godson by the hand, saying, "I wish thee
a prosperous voyage and good cheer, my lad: my timbers are
now a little crazy, d'ye see; and God knows if I shall keep
afloat till such time as I see thee again; but howsomever,
hap what will, thou wilt find thyself in a condition to keep
in the line with the rest of thy fellows." He then reminded
Gauntlet of his promise to call at the garrison in his
return from Dover, and imparted something in a whisper to
the governor, while Jack Hatchway, unable to speak, pulled
his hat over his eyes, and, squeezing Peregrine by the hand,
gave him a pistol of curious workmanship, as a memorial of
his friendship. Our youth, who was not unmoved on this
occasion, received the pledge, which he acknowledged with
the present of a tobacco-box bought for this purpose; and
the two lads of the castle getting into the coach, were
driven homewards, in a state of silent dejection.
Godfrey and Peregrine seated themselves in the
post-chaise; and Jolter, the valet-de-chambre, and lacquey,
bestriding their beasts, they proceeded for the place of
their destination, at which they arrived in safety that same
night, and bespoke a passage in the packet-boat which was to
sail next day.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
He adjusts the Method of his Correspondence with Gauntlet;
meets by accident with an Italian Charlatan, and a certain
Apothecary, who proves to be a noted Character.
There the two friends adjusted the articles of a future
correspondence; and Peregrine, having written a letter to
his mistress, wherein he renewed his former vows of eternal
fidelity, it was intrusted to the care of her brother, while
Mr. Jolter, at the desire of his pupil, provided an elegant
supper, and some excellent Burgundy, that they might spend
this eve of his departure with the greater enjoyment.
Things being thus disposed, and a servant employed in
laying the cloth, their ears were of a sudden invaded by a
strange tumultuous noise in the next room, occasioned by the
overthrow of tables, chairs, and glasses, with odd
unintelligible exclamations in broken French, and a jargon
of threats in the Welsh dialect. Our young gentlemen ran
immediately into the apartment from whence this clamour
seemed to proceed, and found a thin, meagre, swarthy figure,
gasping, in all the agony of fear, under the hands of a
squat, thick, hard-featured man, who collared him with great
demonstrations of wrath, saying, "If you was as mighty a
magician as Owen Glendower or the witch of Entor, look you,
ay, ay, or as Paul Beor himself, I will meke pold, by the
assistance of Got, and in his majesty's name, to seize and
secure, and confine and confront you, until such time as you
suffer and endure and undergo the pains and penalties of the
law, for your diabolical practices. Shentlements," added he,
turning to our adventurers, "I take you to witness, that I
protest, and assert, and avow, that this person is as pig a
necromancer as you would desire to behold; and I supplicate,
and beseech, and entreat of you, that he may be prought
pefore his petters, and compelled to give an account of his
compact and commerce with the imps of darkness, look you;
for, as I am a Christian soul, and hope for joyful
resurrection, I have this plessed evening seen him perform
such things as could not be done without the aid and
instruction and connivance of the tevil."
Gauntlet seemed to enter into the sentiments of this
Welsh reformer, and actually laid hold on the delinquent's
shoulder, crying, "D—n the rascal! I'll lay any wager that
he's a Jesuit; for none of his order travel without a
familiar." But Peregrine, who looked upon the affair in
another point of view, interposed in behalf of the stranger,
whom he freed from his aggressors, observing, that there was
no occasion to use violence; and asked, in French, what he
had done to incur the censure of the informer. The poor
foreigner, more dead than alive, answered that he was an
Italian charlatan, who had practised with some reputation in
Padua, until he had the misfortune to attract the notice of
the Inquisition, by exhibiting certain wonderful
performances by his skill in natural knowledge, which that
tribunal considered as the effects of sorcery, and
persecuted him accordingly; so that he had been fain to make
a precipitate retreat into France, where not finding his
account in his talents, he was now arrived in England, with
a view of practising his art in London; and that, in
consequence of a specimen which he had given to a company
below, the choleric gentleman had followed him up-stairs to
his own apartment, and assaulted him in that inhospitable
manner: he therefore earnestly begged that our hero would
take him under his protection; and, if he entertained the
least suspicion of his employing preternatural means in the
operations of his art, he would freely communicate all the
secrets in his possession.
The youth dispelled his apprehension by assuring him that
he was in no danger of suffering for his art in England,
where, if ever he should be questioned by the zeal of
superstitious individuals, he had nothing to do but appeal
to the justice of the peace, who would immediately acquit
him of the charge, and punish his accusers for their
impertinence and indiscretion.
He then told Gauntlet and the Welshman that the stranger
had a good action against them for an assault, by virtue of
an Act of Parliament, which makes it criminal for any person
to accuse another of sorcery and witchcraft, these idle
notions being now justly exploded by all sensible men. Mr.
Jolter, who had by this time joined the company, could not
help signifying his dissent from this opinion of his pupil,
which he endeavoured to invalidate by the authority of
Scripture, quotations from the Fathers, and the confession
of many wretches who suffered death for having carried on
correspondence with evil spirits together with the evidence
of "Satan's Invisible World," and Moreton's "History of
Witchcraft."
The soldier corroborated these testimonies by facts that
had happened within the sphere of his own knowledge, and in
particular mentioned the case of an old woman of the parish
in which he was born, who used to transform herself into the
shapes of sundry animals, and was at last killed by small
shot in the character of a hare. The Welshman, thus
supported, expressed his surprise at hearing that the
legislature had shown such tenderness for criminals of so
dark a hue, and offered to prove, by undeniable instances,
that there was not a mountain in Wales which had not been,
in his memory, the scene of necromancy and witchcraft.
"Wherefore," said he, "I am assuredly more than above
astonished and confounded and concerned that the Parliament
of Great Britain should, in their great wisdoms, and their
prudence, and their penetration, give countenance and
encouragement, look you, to the works of darkness and the
empire of Pelzepup—ofer and apove the evidence of holy writ,
and those writers who have been quoted by that aggurate and
learned shentleman, we are informed, by profane history, of
the pribbles and pranks of the old serpent, in the bortents
and oragles of antiquity, as you will find in that most
excellent historian Bolypius, and Titus Lifius; ay, and
moreofer, in the Commentaries of Julius Caesar himself, who,
as the ole world knows, was a most famous, and a most
faliant, and a most wise, and a most prudent, and a most
fortunate chieftain, and a most renowned orator; ay, and a
most elegant writer to boot."
Peregrine did not think proper to enter the lists of
dispute with three such obstinate antagonists, but contented
himself with saying that he believed it would be no
difficult matter to impugn the arguments they had advanced;
though he did not find himself at all disposed to undertake
the task, which must of course break in upon the evening's
entertainment. He therefore invited the Italian to supper,
and asked the same favour of his accuser, who seemed to have
something curious and characteristic in his manner and
disposition, resolving to make himself an eye-witness of
those surprising feats which had given offence to the
choleric Briton. This scrupulous gentleman thanked our hero
for his courtesy, but declined communicating with the
stranger until his character should be further explained;
upon which his inviter, after some conversation with the
charlatan, assured him that he would himself undertake for
the innocence of his art; and then he was prevailed upon to
favour them with his company.
In the course of the conversation, Peregrine learned that
the Welshman was a surgeon of Canterbury, who had been
called in to a consultation at Dover; and, understanding
that his name was Morgan, took the liberty of asking if he
was not the person so respectfully mentioned in the
"Adventures of Roderick Random." Mr. Morgan assumed a look
of gravity and importance at this interrogation, and,
screwing up his mouth, answered, "Mr. Rantum, my good sir, I
believe, upon my conscience and salfation, is my very goot
frient and well-wisher; and he and I have been companions
and messmates and fellow-sufferers, look you; but
nevertheless, for all that, peradventure he hath not pehaved
with so much complaisance and affability and respect as I
might have expected from him; pecause he hath revealed and
tivulged and buplished our private affairs, without my
knowledge and privity and consent; but as Got is my Safiour,
I think he had no evil intention in his pelly; and though
there be certain persons, look you, who, as I am told, take
upon them to laugh at his descriptions of my person,
deportment, and conversation, I do affirm and maintain, and
insist with my heart, and my plood, and my soul, that those
persons are no petter than ignorant asses, and that they
know not how to discern and distinguish and define true
ridicule, or, as Aristotle calls it, the to Geloion, no
more, look you, than a herd of mountain goats; for I will
make pold to observe—and I hope this goot company will be of
the same opinion—that there is nothing said of me in that
performance which is unworthy of a Christian and a
shentleman."
Our young gentleman and his friends acquiesced in the
justness of his observation. Peregrine particularly assured
him that, from reading the book, he had conceived the utmost
regard and veneration for his character, and that he thought
himself extremely fortunate in having this opportunity of
enjoying his conversation. Morgan, not a little proud of
such advances from a person of Peregrine's appearance,
returned the compliment with a profusion of civility, and,
in the warmth of acknowledgment, expressed a desire of
seeing him and his company at his house in Canterbury. "I
will not pretend, or presume, kind sir," said he, "to
entertain you according to your merits and deserts; but you
shall be as welcome to my poor cottage, and my wife and
family, as the prince of Wales himself; and it shall go hard
if, one way or other, I do not find ways and means of making
you confess that there is some goot fellowship in an ancient
Priton; for though I am no petter than a simple apothecary,
I have as goot plood circulating in my veins as any he in
the county; and I can describe and delineate and demonstrate
my pedigree to the satisfaction of the 'ole 'orld; and,
moreofer, by Got's goot providence and assistance, I can
afford to treat my friend with joint of good mutton and a
pottle of excellent wine, and no tradesman can peard me with
a bill."
He was congratulated on his happy situation, and assured
that our youth would visit him on his return from France,
provided he should take Canterbury in his route. As
Peregrine manifested an inclination of being acquainted with
the state of his affairs, he very complaisantly satisfied
his curiosity by giving him to know that his spouse had left
off breeding, after having blessed him with two boys and a
girl, who were still alive and well; that he lived in good
esteem with his neighbors; and by his practice, which was
considerably extended immediately after the publication of
Roderick Random, had saved some thousand pounds. He had
begun to think of retiring among his own relations in
Glamorganshire, though his wife had made objection to this
proposal, and opposed the execution of it with such
obstinacy, that he had been at infinite pains in asserting
his own prerogative by convincing her, both from reason and
example, that he was king, and priest in his own family, and
that she owed the most implicit submission to his will. He
likewise informed the company that he had lately seen his
friend Roderick, who had come from London on purpose to
visit him, after having gained his lawsuit with Mr.
Topeball, who was obliged to pay Narcissa's fortune; that
Mr. Random, in all appearance, led a very happy life in the
conversation of his father and bed-fellow, by whom he
enjoyed a son and daughter; and that Morgan had received, in
a present from him, a piece of very fine linen of his wife's
own making, several kits of salmon, and two casks of pickled
pork—the most delicate he had ever tasted; together with a
barrel of excellent herrings for salmagundy, which he knew
to be his favourite dish.
This topic of conversation being discussed, the Italian
was desired to exhibit a specimen of his art, and in a few
minutes he conducted the company into the next room, where,
to their great astonishment and affright, they beheld a
thousand serpents winding along the ceiling. Morgan, struck
with this phenomenon, which he had not seen before, began to
utter exorcisms with great devotion, Mr. Jolter ran of the
room, Gauntlet drew his hanger, and Peregrine himself was
disconcerted. The operator, perceiving their confusion,
desired them to retire, and, calling them back in an
instant, there was not a viper to be seen. He raised their
admiration by sundry other performances and the Welshman's
former opinion and abhorrence of his character began to
recur, when, in consideration of the civility with which he
had been treated, this Italian imparted to them all the
methods by which he had acted such wonders, that were no
other than the effects of natural causes curiously combined;
so that Morgan became a convert to his skill, asked pardon
for the suspicion he had entertained, and invited the
stranger to pass a few days with him at Canterbury. The
scruples of Godfrey and Jolter were removed at the same
time, and Peregrine testified his satisfaction by a handsome
gratuity which he bestowed upon their entertainer.
The evening being spent in this sociable manner, every
man retired to his respective chamber, and next morning they
breakfasted together, when Morgan declared he would stay
till he should see our hero fairly embarked, that he might
have the pleasure of Mr. Gauntlet's company to his own
habitation: meanwhile, by the skipper's advice, the servants
were ordered to carry a store of wine and provision on
board, in case of accident; and, as the packet-boat could
not sail before one o'clock, the company walked up hill to
visit the castle, where they saw the sword of Julius Caesar,
and Queen Elizabeth's pocket pistol; repeated Shakespeare's
description, while they surveyed the chalky cliffs on each
side, and cast their eyes towards the city of Calais, that
was obscured by a thick cloud which did not much regale
their eye-sight, because it seemed to portend foul weather.
Having viewed everything remarkable in this place, they
returned to the pier, where, after the compliments of
parting, and an affectionate embrace between the two young
gentlemen, Peregrine and his governor stepped aboard, the
sails were hoisted, and they went to sea with a fair wind,
while Godfrey, Morgan, and the conjurer walked back to the
inn, from whence they set out for Canterbury before dinner.
CHAPTER XXXV.
He embarks for France—Is overtaken by a Storm—Is surprised
with the Appearance of Pipes—Lands at Calais, and has an
Affray with the Officers at the Custom-house.
Scarce had the vessel proceeded two leagues on the
passage, when, the wind shifting, blew directly in her
teeth; so that they were obliged to haul upon a wind, and
alter their course. The sea running pretty high at the same
time, our hero, who was below in his cabin, began to be
squeamish, and, in consequence of the skipper's advice, went
upon deck for the comfort of his stomach; while the
governor, experienced in these disasters, slipped into bed,
where he lay at his ease, amusing himself with a treatise on
the cycloid, with algebraical demonstrations, which never
failed to engage his imagination in the most agreeable
manner.
In the mean time the wind increased to a very hard gale,
the vessel pitched with great violence, the sea washed over
the deck, the master was alarmed, the crew were confounded,
the passengers were overwhelmed with sickness and fear, and
universal distraction ensued. In the midst of this uproar,
Peregrine holding fast by the taffrail, and looking ruefully
ahead, the countenance of Pipes presented itself to his
astonished view, rising, as it were, from the hold of the
ship. At first he imagined it was a fear-formed shadow of
his own brain; though he did not long remain in this error,
but plainly perceived that it was no other than the real
person of Thomas, who, jumping on the quarter-deck, took
charge of the helm, and dictated to the sailors with as much
authority as if he had been commander of the ship. The
skipper looked upon him as an angel sent to his assistance;
and the crew soon discovered him to be a thoroughbred
seaman, notwithstanding his livery-frock; obeyed his orders
with such alacrity, that, in a little time, the confusion
vanished; and every necessary step was taken to weather the
gale.
Our young gentleman immediately conceived the meaning of
Tom's appearance on board; and when the tumult was a little
subsided, went up, and encouraged him to exert himself for
the preservation of the ship, promising to take him again
into his service, from which he should never be dismissed,
except at his own desire. This assurance had a surprising
effect upon Pipes, who, though he made no manner of reply,
thrust the helm into the master's hands, saying, "Here, you
old bumboat-woman, take hold of the tiller, and keep her
thus, boy, thus;" and skipped about the vessel, trimming the
sails, and managing the ropes with such agility and skill,
that everybody on deck stood amazed at his dexterity.
Mr. Jolter was far from being unconcerned at the uncommon
motion of the vessel, the singing of the wind, and the
uproar which he heard about him: he looked towards the
cabin-door with the most fearful expectation, in hope of
seeing some person who could give some account of the
weather, and what was doing upon deck; but not a soul
appeared, and he was too well acquainted with the
disposition of his own bowels to make the least alteration
in his attitude. When he had lain a good while in all the
agony of suspense, the boy tumbled headlong into his
apartment, with such noise, that he believed the mast had
gone by the board; and starting upright in his bed, asked,
with all the symptoms of horror, what was the cause of that
disturbance? The boy, half-stunned by his fall, answered in
a dolorous tone, "I'm come to put up the dead-lights." At
the mention of dead-lights, the meaning of which he did not
understand, the poor governor's heart died within him: he
shivered with despair, his recollection forsaking him, he
fell upon his knees in the bed, and, fixing his eyes upon
the book which was in his hand, began to pronounce aloud
with great fervour, "The time of a complete oscillation in
the cycloid, is to the time in which a body would fall
through the axis of the cycloid DV, as the circumference of
a circle to its diameter."
He would in all likelihood have proceeded with the
demonstration of this proposition, had he not been seized
with such a qualm as compelled him to drop the book, and
accommodate himself to the emergency of his distemper: he
therefore stretched himself at full length, and, putting up
ejaculations to Heaven, began to prepare himself for his
latter end, when all of a sudden the noise above was
intermitted; and as he could not conceive the cause of this
tremendous silence, he imagined that either the men were
washed overboard, or that, despairing of safety, they had
ceased to oppose the tempest. While he was harrowed by this
miserable uncertainty, which, however, was not altogether
unenlightened by some scattered rays of hope, the master
entered the cabin: then he asked, with a voice
half-extinguished by fear, how matters went upon deck; and
the skipper, with a large bottle of brandy applied to his
mouth, answered, in a hollow tone, "All's over now, master."
Upon which, Mr. Jolter, giving himself over for lost,
exclaimed, with the utmost horror, "Lord have mercy upon us!
Christ have mercy upon us;" and repeated this supplication,
as it were mechanically, until the master undeceived him by
explaining the meaning of what he had said, and assuring him
that the squall was over.
Such a sudden transition from fear to joy occasioned a
violent agitation both in his mind and body; and it was a
full quarter of an hour, before he recovered the right use
of his organs, By this time the weather cleared up, the wind
began to blow again from the right corner, and the spires of
Calais appeared at the distance of five leagues; so that the
countenances of all on board were lighted up with joyous
expectation and Peregrine, venturing to go down into the
cabin, comforted his governor with an account of the happy
turn of their affairs.
Jolter, transported with the thought of a speedy landing,
began to launch out in praise of that country for which they
were bound. He observed, that France was the land of
politeness and hospitality, which were conspicuous in the
behaviour of all ranks and degrees, from the peer to the
peasant; that a gentleman and a foreigner, far from being
insulted and imposed upon by the lower class of people, as
in England, was treated with the utmost reverence, candour,
and respect; and their fields were fertile, their climate
pure healthy, their farmers rich and industrious, the
subjects in general the happiest of men. He would have
prosecuted this favourite theme still farther, had not his
pupil been obliged to run upon deck, in consequence of
certain warnings he received from his stomach.
The skipper seeing his condition, very honestly reminded
him of the cold ham and fowls, with a basket of wine which
he had ordered to be sent on board, and asked if he would
have the cloth laid below. He could not have chosen a more
seasonable opportunity of manifesting his own
disinterestedness. Peregrine made wry faces at the mention
of food, bidding him, for Heaven's sake, talk no more on
that subject. He then descended into the cabin, and put the
same question to Mr. Jolter, who, he knew, entertained the
same abhorrence for his proposal; and meeting with the like
reception from him, went between decks, and repeated his
courteous proffer to the valet-de-chambre and lacquey, who
lay sprawling in all the pangs of a double evacuation, and
rejected his civility with the most horrible loathing. Thus
baffled in all his kind endeavours, he ordered the boy to
secure the provision in one of his own lockers, according to
the custom of the ship.
It being low water when they arrived on the French coast,
the vessel could not enter the harbour, and they were
obliged to bring to, and wait for a boat, which in less than
half-an-hour came alongside from the shore. Mr. Jolter now
came upon deck, and, snuffing up the French air with
symptoms of infinite satisfaction, asked of the boatmen,
with the friendly appellation of Mes enfants, what they
demanded for transporting him and his pupil with their
baggage to the pier. But how was he disconcerted, when those
polite, candid, reasonable watermen demanded a louis d'or
for that service! Peregrine, with a sarcastic sneer,
observed, that he already began to perceive the justice of
his encomiums on the French; and the disappointed governor
could say nothing in his own vindication, but that they were
debauched by their intercourse with the inhabitants of
Dover. His pupil, however, was so much offended at their
extortion, that he absolutely refused to employ them, even
when they abated one half in their demand, and swore he
would stay on board till the packet should be able to enter
the harbour, rather than encourage such imposition.
The master, who in all probability had some sort of
fellow-feeling with the boatmen, in vain represented that he
could not with safety lie-to or anchor upon a lee-shore: our
hero, having consulted Pipes, answered, that he had hired
his vessel to transport him to Calais, and that he would
oblige him to perform what he had undertaken. The skipper,
very much mortified at this peremptory reply, which was not
over and above agreeable to Mr. Jolter, dismissed the boat,
notwithstanding the solicitations and condescension of the
watermen. Running a little farther in shore, they came to an
anchor, and waited till there was water enough to float them
over the bar. Then they stood into the harbour; and our
gentleman, with his attendants and baggage, were landed on
the pier by the sailors, whom he liberally rewarded for
their trouble.
He was immediately plied by a great number of porters,
who, like so many hungry wolves, laid hold on his baggage,
and began to carry it off piecemeal, without his order or
direction. Incensed at this officious insolence, he
commanded them to desist, with many oaths and opprobrious
terms that his anger suggested; and perceiving, that one of
them did not seem to pay any regard to what he said, but
marched off with his burthen, he snatched a cudgel out of
his lacquey's hand, and overtaking the fellow in a
twinkling, brought him to the ground with one blow. He was
instantly surrounded by the whole congregation of this
canaille, who resented the injury which their brother had
sustained, and would have taken immediate satisfaction on
the aggressor, had not Pipes, seeing his master involved,
brought the whole crew to his assistance, and exerted
himself so manfully that the enemy were obliged to retreat
with many marks of defeat, and menaces of interesting the
commandant in their quarrel. Jolter, who knew and dreaded
the power of the French governor, began to shake with
apprehension, when he heard their repeated threats, but they
durst not apply to this magistrate, who, upon a fair
representation of the case, would have punished them
severely for their rapacious and insolent behaviour.
Peregrine, without further molestation, availed himself of
his own attendants, who shouldered his baggage and followed
him to the gate, where they were stopped by the sentinels
until their names should be registered.
Mr. Jolter, who had undergone this examination before,
resolved to profit by his experience, and cunningly
represented his pupil as a young English lord. This
intimation, supported by the appearance of his equipage, was
no sooner communicated to the officer, than he turned out
the guard, and ordered his soldiers to rest upon their arms,
while his lordship passed in great state to the Lion
d'Argent, where he took up his lodging for the night,
resolving to set out for Paris next morning in a
post-chaise.
The governor triumphed greatly in this piece of
complaisance and respect with which they had been honoured,
and resumed his beloved topic of discourse, in applauding
the method and subordination of the French government, which
was better calculated for maintaining order and protecting
the people, than any constitution upon earth. Of their
courteous attention to strangers, there needed no other
proof than the compliment which had been paid to them,
together with the governor's connivance at Peregrine's
employing his own servants in carrying the baggage to the
inn, contrary to the privilege of the inhabitants.
While he expatiated with a remarkable degree of
self-indulgence on this subject, the valet-de-chambre coming
into the room interrupted his harangue by telling his master
that their trunks and portmanteaus must be carried to the
custom-house, in order to be searched, and sealed with lead,
which must remain untouched until their arrival at Paris.
Peregrine made no objection to this practice, which was
in itself reasonable enough; but when he understood that the
gate was besieged by another multitude of porters, who
insisted upon their right of carrying the goods, and also of
fixing their own price, he absolutely refused to comply with
their demand. Nay, he chastised some of the most clamorous
among them with his foot, and told them, that if their
custom-house officers had a mind to examine his baggage,
they might come to the inn for that purpose. The
valet-de-chambre was abashed at this boldness of his
master's behaviour, which the lacquey, shrugging up his
shoulders, observed, was bien a l'Anglaise; while the
governor represented it as an indignity to the whole nation,
and endeavoured to persuade his pupil to comply with the
custom of the place. But Peregrine's natural haughtiness of
disposition hindered him from giving ear to Jolter's
wholesome advice; and in less than half-an-hour they
observed a file of musketeers marching up to the gate. At
sight of this detachment the tutor trembled, the valet grew
pale, and the lacquey crossed himself; but our hero, without
exhibiting any other symptoms than those of indignation, met
them on the threshold, and with a ferocious air demanded
their business. The corporal who commanded the file
answered, with great deliberation, that he had orders to
convey his baggage to the custom-house; and seeing the
trunks standing in the entry, placed his men between them
and the owner, while the porters that followed took them up,
and proceeded to the douane without opposition.
Pickle was not mad enough to dispute the authority of
this message; but in order to gall and specify his contempt
for those who brought it, he called aloud to his valet,
desiring him, in French, to accompany his things, and see
that none of his linen and effects should be stolen by the
searchers. The corporal, mortified at this satirical
insinuation, darted a look of resentment at the author, as
if he had been interested for the glory of his nation; and
told him that he could perceive he was a stranger in France,
or else he would have saved himself the trouble of such a
needless precaution.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
He makes a fruitless Attempt in Gallantry—Departs for
Boulogne, where he spends the evening with certain English
Exiles.
Having thus yielded to the hand of power, he inquired if
there was any other English company in the house; when,
understanding that a gentleman and lady lodged in the next
apartment, and had bespoke a post-chaise for Paris, he
ordered Pipes to ingratiate himself with their footman, and,
if possible, learn their names and condition, while he and
Mr. Jolter, attended by the lacquey, took a turn round the
ramparts, and viewed the particulars of the fortification.
Tom was so very successful in his inquiry, that when his
master returned he was able to give him a very satisfactory
account of his fellow-lodgers, in consequence of having
treated his brother with a bottle of wine. The people in
question were a gentleman and his lady lately arrived from
England, in their way to Paris. The husband was a man of
good fortune, who had been a libertine in his youth, and a
professed declaimer against matrimony. He wanted neither
sense nor experience, and piqued himself in particular upon
his art of avoiding the snares of the female sex, in which
he pretended to be deeply versed; but, notwithstanding all
his caution and skill, he had lately fallen a sacrifice to
the attractions of an oyster-wench, who had found means to
decoy him into the bands of wedlock; and, in order to evade
the compliments and congratulations of his friends and
acquaintance, he had come so far on a tour to Paris, where
he intended to initiate his spouse in the beau monde. In the
mean time, he chose to live upon the reserve, because her
natural talents had as yet received but little cultivation;
and he had not the most implicit confidence in her virtue
and discretion, which, it seems, had like to have yielded to
the addresses of an officer at Canterbury, who had made
shift to insinuate himself into her acquaintance and favour.
Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by this information,
he lounged about the yard, in hopes of seeing the dulcinea
who had captivated the old bachelor; and at length observing
her at a window, took the liberty of bowing to her with
great respect. She returned the compliment with a curtsy,
and appeared so decent in her dress and manner, that unless
he had been previously informed of her former life and
conversation, he never would have dreamt that her education
was different from that of other ladies of fashion; so easy
is it to acquire that external deportment on which people of
condition value themselves so much. Not but that Mr. Pickle
pretended to distinguish a certain vulgar audacity in her
countenance, which in a lady of birth and fortune would have
passed for an agreeable vivacity that enlivens the aspect,
and gives poignancy to every feature; but as she possessed a
pair of fine eyes, and a clear complexion overspread with a
glow of health, which never fails of recommending the owner,
he could not help gazing at her with desire, and forming the
design of making a conquest of her heart. With this view, he
sent his compliments to her husband whose name was Hornbeck,
with an intimation that he proposed to set out the next day
for Paris, and as he understood that he was resolved upon
the same journey, he should be extremely glad of his company
on the road, if he was not better engaged. Hornbeck, who in
all probability did not choose to accommodate his wife with
a squire of our hero's appearance, sent a civil answer to
his message, professing infinite mortification at his being
unable to embrace the favour of this kind offer, by reason
of the indisposition of his wife, who, he was afraid, would
not be in a condition for some days to bear the fatigue of
travelling.
This rebuff, which Peregrine ascribed to the husband's
jealousy, stifled his project in embryo: he ordered his
French servant to take a place for himself in the diligence,
where all his luggage was stowed, except a small trunk, with
some linen and other necessaries, that was fixed upon the
post-chaise which they hired of the landlord; and early next
morning he and Mr. Jolter departed from Calais, attended by
his valet-de-chambre and Pipes on horseback. They proceeded
without any accident as far as Boulogne, where they
breakfasted, and visited old Father Graham, a Scottish
gentleman of the governor's acquaintance, who had lived as a
Capuchin in that place for the space of threescore years,
and during that period conformed to all the austerities of
the order with the most rigorous exactness, being equally
remarkable for the frankness of his conversation, the
humanity of his disposition, and the simplicity of his
manners. From Boulogne they took their departure about noon;
and as they proposed to sleep that night at Abbeville,
commanded the postilion to drive with extra ordinary speed.
Perhaps it was well for his cattle that the axletree gave
way and the chaise of course overturned, before they had
travelled one-third part of the stage.
This accident compelled them to return to the place from
whence they had set out; and as they could not procure
another conveyance, they found themselves under the
necessity of staying till their chaise could be refitted.
Understanding that this operation would detain them a whole
day, our young gentleman had recourse to his patience, and
demanded to know what they could have for dinner; the garcon
or waiter, thus questioned, vanished in a moment, and
immediately they were surprised with the appearance of a
strange figure, which, from the extravagance of its dress
and gesticulation, Peregrine mistook for a madman of the
growth of France. This phantom (which, by the bye, happened
to be no other than the cook) was a tall, long-legged,
meagre, swarthy fellow, that stooped very much; his
cheek-bones were remarkably raised, his nose bent into the
shape and size of a powder-horn, and the sockets of his eyes
as raw round the edges as if the skin had been pared off. On
his head he wore a handkerchief, which had once been white,
and now served to cover the upper part of a black periwig,
to which was attached a bag at least a foot square, with a
solitaire and rose that stuck upon each side of his ear; so
that he looked like a criminal on the pillory. His back was
accommodated with a linen waistcoat, his hands adorned with
long ruffles of the same piece, his middle was girded by an
apron, tucked up, that it might not conceal his white silk
stockings, rolled; and at his entrance he brandished a
bloody weapon full three feet in length.
Peregrine, when he first saw him approach in this
menacing attitude, put himself upon his guard; but being
informed of his quality, perused his bill of fare, and
having bespoken three or four things for dinner, walked out
with Mr. Jolter to view both towns, which they had not
leisure to consider minutely before. In their return from
the harbour they met with four or five gentlemen, all of
whom seemed to look with an air of dejection, and perceiving
our hero and his governor to be English by their dress,
bowed with great respect as they passed. Pickle, who was
naturally compassionate, felt an emotion of sympathy; and
seeing a person, who by his habit he judged to be one of
their servants, accosted him in English, and asked who the
gentlemen were. The lacquey gave him to understand that they
were his own countrymen, called from their native homes in
consequence of their adherence to an unfortunate and ruined
cause; and that they were gone to the sea-side, according to
their daily practice, in order to indulge their longing eyes
with a prospect of the white cliffs of Albion, which they
must never more approach.
Though our young gentleman differed widely from them in
point of political principles, he was not one of those
enthusiasts who look upon every schism from the established
articles of faith as damnable, and exclude the sceptic from
every benefit of humanity and Christian forgiveness: he
could easily comprehend how a man of the most unblemished
morals might, by the prejudice of education, or
indispensable attachments, be engaged in such a blameworthy
and pernicious undertaking; and thought that they had
already suffered severely for their imprudence. He was
affected with the account of their diurnal pilgrimage to the
sea-side, which he considered as a pathetic proof of their
affliction, and invested Mr. Jolter with the agreeable
office of going to them with a compliment in his name, and
begging the honour of drinking a glass with them in the
evening. They accepted the proposal with great satisfaction
and respectful acknowledgment, and in the afternoon waited
upon the kind inviter, who treated them with coffee, and
would have detained them to supper, but they entreated the
favour of his company at the house which they frequented so
earnestly, that he yielded to their solicitations, and, with
his governor, was conducted by them to the place, where they
had provided an elegant repast, and regaled them with some
of the best claret in France.
It was easy for them to perceive that their principal
guest was no favourer of their state maxims, and therefore
they industriously avoided every subject of conversation
which could give the least offence: not but they lamented
their own situation, which cut them off from all their
dearest connections, and doomed them to perpetual banishment
from their families and friends: but they did not, even by
the most distant hint, impeach the justice of that sentence
by which they were condemned; although one among them, who
seemed to be about the age of thirty, wept bitterly over his
misfortune, which had involved a beloved wife and three
children in misery and distress; and, in the impatience of
his grief, cursed his own fate with frantic imprecations.
His companions, with a view of beguiling his sorrow, and
manifesting their own hospitality at the same time, changed
the topic of discourse, and circulated the bumpers with
great assiduity; so that all their cares were overwhelmed
and forgotten, several French drinking catches were sung,
and mirth and good-fellowship prevailed.
In the midst of this elevation, which commonly unlocks
the most hidden sentiment, and dispels every consideration
of caution and constraint, one of the entertainers, being
more intoxicated than his fellows, proposed a toast, to
which Peregrine, with some warmth, excepted as an unmannerly
insult. The other maintained his proposition with indecent
heat; and the dispute beginning to grow very serious, the
company interposed, and gave judgment against their friend,
who was so keenly reproached and rebuked for his impolite
behaviour, that he retired in high dudgeon, threatening to
relinquish their society, and branding them with the
appellation apostates from the common cause. Mortified at
the behaviour of their companion, those that remained were
earnest in their apologies to their guests, whom they
besought to forgive his intemperance, assuring them with
great confidence that he would, upon the recovery of his
reflection, wait upon them in person, and ask pardon for the
umbrage he had given. Pickle was satisfied with their
remonstrances, resumed his good humour, and the night being
pretty far advanced resisted all their importunities with
which he was entreated to see another bottle go round, and
was escorted to his own lodgings more than half-seas over.
Next morning, about eight o'clock, he was waked by his
valet-de-chambre, who told him that two of the gentlemen
with whom he had spent the evening were in the house, and
desired the favour of being admitted into his chamber. He
could not conceive the meaning of this extraordinary visit;
and, ordering his man to show them enter into his apartment,
beheld the person who had affronted him enter with the
gentleman who had reprehended his rudeness.
He who had given the offence, after having made an
apology for disturbing Mr. Pickle, told him that his friend
there present had been with him early that morning, and
proposed the alternative of either fighting with him
immediately, or coming to beg pardon for his unmannerly
deportment over-night: that though he had courage enough to
face any man in the field in a righteous cause, he was not
so brutal as to disobey the dictates of his own duty and
reflection, in consequence of which, and not out of any
regard to the other's menaces, which he despised, he had now
taken the liberty of interrupting his repose, that he might,
as soon as possible, atone for the injury he had done him,
which he protested was the effect of intoxication alone, and
begged his forgiveness accordingly. Our hero accepted of
this acknowledgment very graciously; thanked the other
gentleman for the gallant part he had acted in his behalf;
and perceiving that his companion was a little irritated at
his officious interposition, effected a reconciliation, by
convincing him that what he had done was for the honour of
the company. He then kept them to his breakfast; expressed a
desire of seeing their situation altered for the better; and
the chaise being repaired, took his leave of his
entertainers, who came to wish him a good journey, and with
his attendants left Boulogne for the second time.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
Proceeds for the Capital—Takes up his Lodging at Bernay,
where he is overtaken by Mr. Hornbeck, whose Head he longs
to fortify.
During this day's expedition, Mr. Jolter took an
opportunity of imparting to his pupil the remarks he had
made upon the industry of the French as an undeniable proof
of which he bade him cast his eyes around, and observe with
what care every spot of ground was cultivated, and from the
fertility of that province, which is reckoned the poorest in
France, conceive the wealth and affluence of the nation in
general. Peregrine, amazed as well as disgusted at this
infatuation, answered that what he ascribed to industry was
the effect of mere wretchedness; the miserable peasants
being obliged to plough up every inch of ground to satisfy
their oppressive landlords, while they themselves and their
cattle looked like so many images of famine; that their
extreme poverty was evident from the face of the country, on
which there was not one inclosure to be seen, or any other
object, except scanty crops of barley and oats, which could
never reward the toil of the husbandman; that their
habitations were no better than paltry huts; that in twenty
miles of extent not one gentleman's house appeared; that
nothing was more abject and forlorn than the attire of their
country people; that the equipage of their travelling
chaises was infinitely inferior to that of a dung-cart in
England; and that the postilion who then drove their
carriage had neither stockings to his legs, nor a shirt to
his back.
The governor, finding his charge so intractable resolved
to leave him in the midst of his own ignorance and
prejudice, and reserve his observations for those who would
pay more deference to his opinion: and indeed this
resolution he had often made, and as often broken in the
transports of his zeal, that frequently hurried him out of
the plan of conduct which in his cooler moments he had laid
down. They halted for refreshment at Montreuil, and about
seven in the evening arrived at a village called Bernay,
where, while they waited for fresh horses, they were
informed by the landlord that the gates of Abbeville were
shut every night punctually at eight o'clock, so that it
would be impossible for them to get admittance. He said
there was not another place of entertainment on the road
where they could pass the night; and therefore, as a friend,
he advised them to stay at his house, where they would find
the best of accommodation, and proceed upon their journey
betimes in the morning.
Mr. Jolter, though he had travelled on that road before,
could not recollect whether or not mine host spoke truth;
but his remonstrance being very plausible, our hero
determined to follow his advice, and being conducted into an
apartment, asked what they could have for supper. The
landlord mentioned everything that was eatable in the house;
and the whole being engrossed for the use of him and his
attendants, he amused himself, till such time as it should
be dressed, in strolling about the house, which stands in a
very rural situation. While he thus loitered away the time
that hung heavy on his hands, another chaise arrived at the
inn, and upon inquiry he found that the new-comers were Mr.
Hornbeck and his lady. The landlord, conscious of his
inability to entertain this second company, came and begged
with great humiliation that Mr. Pickle would spare them some
part of the victuals he had bespoken; but he refused to part
with so much as the wing of a partridge, though at the same
time he sent his compliments to the strangers, and giving
them to understand how ill the house was provided for their
reception, invited them to partake of his supper. Mr.
Hornbeck, who was not deficient in point of politeness, and
extremely well disposed for a relishing meal, which he had
reason to expect from the savoury steam that issued from the
kitchen, could not resist this second instance of our young
gentleman's civility, which he acknowledged in a message,
importing that he and his wife would do themselves the
pleasure of profiting by his courteous offer. Peregrine's
cheeks glowed when he found himself on the eve of being
acquainted with Mrs. Hornbeck, of whose heart he had already
made a conquest in imagination; and he forthwith set his
invention at work, to contrive some means of defeating her
husband's vigilance.
When supper was ready, he in person gave notice to his
guests, and, leading the lady into his apartment, seated her
in an elbow-chair at the upper end of the table, squeezing
her hand, and darting a most insidious glance at the same
time. This abrupt behaviour he practised on the presumption
that a lady of her breeding was not to be addressed with the
tedious forms that must be observed in one's advances to a
person of birth and genteel education. In all probability
his calculation was just, for Mrs. Hornbeck gave no signs of
discontent at this sort of treatment, but, on the contrary,
seemed to consider it as a proof of the young gentleman's
regard; and though she did not venture to open her mouth
three times during the whole repast, she showed herself
particularly well satisfied with her entertainer, by sundry
sly and significant looks, while her husband's eyes were
directed another way; and divers loud peals of laughter,
signifying her approbation of the sallies which he uttered
in the course of their conversation.
Her spouse began to be very uneasy at the frank demeanour
of his yoke-fellow, whom he endeavoured to check in her
vivacity, by assuming a severity of aspect; but whether she
obeyed the dictates of her own disposition, which, perhaps,
was merry and unreserved, or wanted to punish Mr. Hornbeck
for his jealousy of temper; certain it is, her gaiety
increased to such a degree, that her husband was grievously
alarmed and, incensed at her conduct, and resolved to make
her sensible of his displeasure, by treading in secret upon
her toes. He was, however, so disconcerted by his
indignation, that he mistook his mark, and applied the sharp
heel of his shoe to the side of Mr. Jolter's foot,
comprehending his little toe that was studded with an angry
corn, which he invaded with such a sudden jerk, that the
governor, unable to endure the torture in silence started
up, and, dancing on the floor, roared hideously with
repeated bellowings, to the enjoyment of Peregrine and the
lady, who laughed themselves almost into convulsions at the
joke. Hornbeck, confounded at the mistake he had committed,
begged pardon of the injured tutor with great contrition
protesting that the blow he had so unfortunately received,
was intended for an ugly cur, which he thought had posted
himself under the table. It was lucky for him that there was
actually a dog in the room, to justify this excuse, which
Jolter admitted with the tears running over his cheeks, and
the economy of the table was recomposed.
As soon, however, as the strangers could with decency
withdraw, this suspicious husband took his leave of the
youth, on pretence of being fatigued with his journey, after
having, by way of compliment, proposed that they should
travel together next day; and Peregrine handed the lady to
her chamber, where he wished her good night with another
warm squeeze, which she returned. This favourable hint made
his heart bound with a transport of joy: he lay in wait for
an opportunity of declaring himself; and seeing the husband
go down into the yard with a candle, glided softly into his
apartment, where he found her almost undressed. Impelled by
the impetuosity of his passion, which was still more
inflamed by her present luscious appearance, and encouraged
by the approbation she had already expressed, he ran towards
her with eagerness, crying, "Zounds! madam, your charms are
irresistible!" and without further ceremony would have
clasped her in his arms, had she not begged him for the love
of God to retire; for should Mr. Hornbeck return and find
him there, she would be undone for ever. He was not so
blinded by his passion, but that he saw the reasonableness
of her fear; and as he could not pretend to crown his wishes
at that interview, he avowed himself her lover, assured her
that he would exhaust his whole invention in finding a
proper opportunity for throwing himself at her feet; and in
the mean time he ravished sundry small favours, which she in
the hurry of her fright, could not withhold from his
impudence of address. Having thus settled the preliminaries,
he withdrew to his own chamber, and spent the whole night in
contriving stratagems to elude the jealous caution of his
fellow-traveller.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at
Amiens and, about eleven o'clock, arrive at Chantilly where
Peregrine executes a Plan which he had concerted upon
Hornbeck.
The whole company by agreement rose and departed before
day, and breakfasted at Abbeville, where they became
acquainted with the finesse of their Bernay landlord, who
had imposed upon them, in affirming that they would not have
been admitted after the gates were shut. From thence they
proceeded to Amiens, where they dined, and were pestered by
begging friars; and the roads being deep, it was eleven
o'clock at night before they reached Chantilly, where they
found supper already dressed, in consequence of having
despatched the valet-de-chambre before them on horseback.
The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by
a life of irregularity, he found himself so fatigued with
his day's journey, which amounted to upwards of a hundred
miles, that when he sat down at table, he could scarce sit
upright; and in less than three minutes began to nod in his
chair. Peregrine, who had foreseen and provided for this
occasion, advised him to exhilarate his spirits with a glass
of wine; and the proposal being embraced, tipped his
valet-de-chambre the wink, who, according to the
instructions he had received, qualified the Burgundy with
thirty drops of laudanum, which this unfortunate husband
swallowed in one glass. The dose, cooperating with his
former drowsiness, lulled him so fast to sleep, as it were
instantaneously, that it was found necessary to convey him
to his own chamber, where his footman undressed and put him
to bed: nor was Jolter (naturally of a sluggish disposition)
able to resist his propensity to sleep, without suffering
divers dreadful yawns, which encouraged his pupil to
administer the same dose to him, which had operated so
successfully upon the other Argus. This cordial had not such
gentle effect upon the rugged organs of Jolter as upon the
more delicate nerves of Hornbeck; but discovered itself in
certain involuntary startings, and convulsive motions in the
muscles of his face; and when his nature at length yielded
to the power of this medicine, he sounded the trumpet so
loud through his nostrils, that our adventurer was afraid
the noise would wake his other patient, and consequently the
accomplishment of his aim. The governor was therefore
committed to the care of Pipes, who lugged him into the next
room, and having stripped off his clothes, tumbled him into
his nest, while the two lovers remained at full liberty to
indulge their mutual passion.
Peregrine, in the impatience of his inclination, would
have finished the fate of Hornbeck immediately; but his
inamorata disapproved of his intention, and represented that
their being together by themselves for any length of time
would be observed by her servant, who was kept as a spy upon
her actions; so that they had recourse to another scheme
which was executed in this manner. He conducted her into her
own apartment in presence of her footman, who lighted them
thither, and wishing her good rest, returned to his own
chamber, where he waited till everything was quiet in the
house; then stealing softly to her door, which had been left
open for his admission in the dark, he found the husband
still secure in the embraces of sleep, and the lady in a
loose gown, ready to seal his happiness. He conveyed her to
his own chamber; but his guilty passion was not gratified.
The opium which had been given to Jolter, together with
the wine he had drunk, produced such a perturbation in his
fancy, that he was visited with horrible dreams; and, among
other miserable situations, imagined himself in danger of
perishing in the flames, which he thought had taken hold on
his apartment. This vision made such an impression upon his
faculties, that he alarmed the whole house with repeated
cries of "Fire! fire!" and even leaped out of his bed,
though he still continued fast asleep. The lovers were very
disagreeably disturbed by this dreadful exclamation; and
Mrs. Hornbeck, running in great confusion to the door, had
the mortification to see the footman, with a light in his
hand, enter her husband's chamber, in order to give him
notice of this accident. She knew that she would be
instantly missed, and could easily divine the consequence,
unless her invention could immediately trump up some
plausible excuse for her absence.
Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of
such emergency: she employed but a few seconds in
recollection, and, rushing directly towards the apartment of
the governor, who still continued to hallo in the same note,
exclaimed, in a screaming tone, "Lord have mercy upon us!
where! where!" By this time, all the servants were assembled
in strange attire: Peregrine burst into Jolter's room, and
seeing him stalking in his shirt, with his eyes shut,
bestowed such a slap upon his back, as in a moment dissolved
his dream, and restored him to the use of his senses. He was
astonished and ashamed at being discovered in such an
indecent attitude; and, taking refuge under the clothes,
asked pardon of all present for the disturbance he had
occasioned; soliciting, with great humility, the forgiveness
of the lady, who, to a miracle, counterfeited the utmost
agitation of terror and surprise. Meanwhile Hornbeck, being
awaked by the repeated efforts of his man, no sooner
understood that his wife was missing, than all the chimeras
of jealousy taking possession of his imagination, he started
up in a sort of frenzy, and, snatching his sword, flew
straight to Peregrine's chamber; where, though he found not
that which he looked for, he unluckily perceived an
under-petticoat, which his wife had forgot in the hurry of
her retreat. This discovery added fuel to the flame of his
resentment. He seized the fatal proof of his dishonour, and,
meeting his spouse in her return to bed, presented it to her
view, with a most expressive countenance, "Madam, you have
dropped your under-petticoat in the next room."
Mrs. Hornbeck, who inherited from nature a most admirable
presence of mind, looked earnestly at the object in
question, and, with incredible serenity of countenance,
affirmed that the petticoat must belong to the house, for
she had none such in her possession. Peregrine, who walked
behind her, hearing this asseveration, immediately
interposed, and pulling Hornbeck by the sleeve into his
chamber, "Gadszooks!" said he, "what business had you with
that petticoat? Can't you let a young fellow enjoy a little
amour with an innkeeper's daughter, without exposing his
infirmities to your wife? Pshaw! that's so malicious,
because you have quitted these adventures yourself, to spoil
the sport of other people."
The poor husband was so confounded at the effrontery of
his wife, and this cavalier declaration of the young man,
that his faith began to waver; he distrusted his own
conscious diffidence of temper, which, that he might not
expose, he expressed no doubts of Peregrine's veracity; but,
asking pardon for the mistake he had committed, retired. He
was not yet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious
helpmate, but on the contrary determined to inquire more
minutely into the circumstances of this adventure, which
turned out so little to his satisfaction, that he ordered
his servant to get everything ready for his departure by
break of day; and when our adventurer rose next morning, he
found that his fellow-travellers were gone above three
hours, though they had agreed to stay all the forenoon, with
a view of seeing the prince of Conde's palace, and to
proceed all together for Paris in the afternoon.
Peregrine was a little chagrined, when he understood that
he was so suddenly deprived of this untasted morsel; and
Jolter could not conceive the meaning of their abrupt and
uncivil disappearance, which, after many profound
conjectures, he accounted for, by supposing that Hornbeck
was some sharper who had run away with an heiress, whom he
found it necessary to conceal from the inquiry of her
friends. The pupil, who was well assured of the true motive,
allowed his governor to enjoy the triumph of his own
penetration, and consoled himself with the hope of seeing
his dulcinea again at some of the public places in Paris,
which he proposed to frequent. Thus comforted, he visited
the magnificent stables and palace of Chantilly, and
immediately after dinner set out for Paris, where they
arrived in the evening, and hired apartments at an hotel in
the Faubourg St. Germaine, not far from the playhouse.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
He is involved in an Adventure at Paris, and taken prisoner
by the City Guard—Becomes acquainted with a French Nobleman,
who introduces him in the Beau Monde.
They were no sooner settled in these lodgings, than our
hero wrote to his uncle an account of their safe arrival,
and sent another letter to his friend Gauntlet, with a very
tender billet inclosed for his dear Emilia, to whom he
repeated all his former vows of constancy and love.
The next care that engrossed him was that of bespeaking
several suits of clothes suitable to the French mode; and,
in the mean time, he never appeared abroad, except in the
English coffee-house, where he soon became acquainted with
some of his own countrymen, who were at Paris on the same
footing with himself. The third evening after his journey,
he was engaged in a party of those young sparks, at the
house of a noted traiteur, whose wife was remarkably
handsome, and otherwise extremely well qualified for
alluring customers to her house. To this lady our young
gentleman was introduced as a stranger fresh from England;
and he was charmed with her personal accomplishments, as
well as with the freedom and gaiety of her conversation. Her
frank deportment persuaded him that she was one of those
kind creatures who granted favours to the best bidder: on
this supposition he began to be so importunate in his
addresses, that the fair bourgeoise was compelled to cry
aloud in defence of her own virtue. Her husband ran
immediately to her assistance, and finding her in a very
alarming situation, flew upon her ravisher with such fury,
that he was fain to quit his prey, and turn against the
exasperated traiteur, whom he punished without mercy for his
impudent intrusion. The lady, seeing her yoke-fellow treated
with so little respect, espoused his cause, and, fixing her
nails in his antagonist's face, sacrificed all one side of
his nose. The noise of this encounter brought all the
servants of the house to the rescue of their master; and
Peregrine's company opposing them, a general battle ensued,
in which the French were totally routed, the wife insulted,
and the husband kicked downstairs.
The publican, enraged at the indignity which had been
offered to him and his family, went out into the street, and
implored the protection of the guet, or city guard, which,
having heard his complaint, fixed their bayonets and
surrounded the door, to the number of twelve or fourteen.
The young gentlemen, flushed with their success, and
considering the soldiers as so many London watchmen whom
they had often put to flight, drew their swords, and sallied
out, with Peregrine at their head. Whether the guard
respected them as foreigners, or inexperienced youths
intoxicated with liquor, they opened to right and left, and
gave them room to pass without opposition. This
complaisance, which was the effect of compassion, being
misinterpreted by the English leader, he, out of mere
wantonness, attempted to trip up the heels of the soldier
that stood next him, but failed in the execution, and
received a blow on his breast with the butt-end of a fusil,
that made him stagger several paces backward. Incensed at
this audacious application, the whole company charged the
detachment sword in hand and, after an obstinate engagement,
in which divers wounds were given and received, every soul
of them was taken, and conveyed to the main-guard. The
commanding officer being made acquainted with the
circumstances of the quarrel, in consideration of their
youth and national ferocity, for which the French make large
allowances, set them all at liberty, after having gently
rebuked them for the irregularity and insolence of their
conduct; so that all our hero acquired by his gallantry and
courage, was a number of scandalous marks upon his visage
that confined him a whole week to his chamber. It was
impossible to conceal this disaster from Mr. Jolter, who,
having obtained intelligence of the particulars, did not
fail to remonstrate against the rashness of the adventure,
which, he observed, must have been fatal to them, had their
enemies been other than Frenchmen, who, of all people under
the sun, most rigorously observe the laws of hospitality.
As the governor's acquaintance lay chiefly among Irish
and English priests, and a set of low people who live by
making themselves necessary to strangers, either in teaching
the French language, or executing small commissions with
which they are intrusted, he was not the most proper person
in the world for regulating the taste of a young gentleman
who travelled for improvement, in expectation of making a
figure one day in his own country. Being conscious of his
own incapacity, he contented himself with the office of a
steward, and kept a faithful account of all the money that
was disbursed in the course of their family expense: not but
that he was acquainted with all the places which were
visited by strangers on their first arrival at Paris; and he
knew to a liard what was commonly given to the Swiss of each
remarkable hotel; though, with respect to the curious
painting and statuary that everywhere abounded in that
metropolis, he was more ignorant than the domestic that
attends for a livre a day.
In short, Mr. Jolter could give a very good account of
the stages on the road, and save the expense of Antonini's
detail of the curiosities in Paris: he was a connoisseur in
ordinaries, from twelve to five-and-thirty livres, knew all
the rates of fiacre and remise, could dispute with a
tailleur or a traiteur upon the articles of his bill, and
scold the servants in tolerable French. But the laws,
customs, and genius of the people, the characters of
individuals, and scenes of polished life, were subjects
which he had neither opportunities to observe, inclination
to consider, nor discernment to distinguish. All his maxims
were the suggestions of pedantry and prejudice; so that his
perception was obscured, his judgment biased, his address
awkward, and his conversation absurd and unentertaining: yet
such as I have represented this tutor, are the greatest part
of those animals who lead raw boys about the world, under
the denomination of travelling governors. Peregrine,
therefore, being perfectly well acquainted with the extent
of Mr. Jolter's abilities, never dreamt of consulting him in
the disposition of his conduct, but parcelled out his time
to the dictates of his own reflection, and the information
and direction of his companions, who had lived longer in
France, and consequently were better acquainted with the
pleasures of the place.
As soon as he was in a condition to appear a la
Francaise, he hired a genteel chariot by the month, made the
tour of the Luxembourg gallery, Palais Royal, all the
remarkable hotels, churches, and celebrated places in Paris;
visited St. Cloud, Marli, Versailles, Trianon, St. Germaine,
and Fountainebleau, enjoyed the opera, Italian and French
comedy; and seldom failed of appearing in the public walks,
in hopes of meeting with Mrs. Hornbeck, or some adventure
suited to his romantic disposition. He never doubted that
his person would attract the notice of some distinguished
inamorata, and was vain enough to believe that few female
hearts were able to resist the artillery of his
accomplishments, should he once find an opportunity of
planting it to advantage. He presented himself, however, at
all the spectacles for many weeks, without reaping the
fruits of his expectation; and began to entertain a very
indifferent idea of the French discernment, which had
overlooked him so long, when one day, in his way to the
opera, his chariot was stopped by an embarrass in the
street, occasioned by two peasants, who having driven their
carts against each other, quarrelled, and went to
loggerheads on the spot. Such a rencounter is so uncommon in
France, that the people shut up their shops, and from their
windows threw cold water upon the combatants, with a view of
putting an end to the battle, which was maintained with
great fury, and very little skill, until one of them
receiving an accidental fall, the other took the advantage
of this misfortune, and, fastening upon him, as he lay,
began to thump the pavement with his head.
Our hero's equipage being detained close by the field of
this contention, Pipes could not bear to see the laws of
boxing so scandalously transgressed, and, leaping from his
station, pulled the offender from his antagonist, whom he
raised up, and in the English language encouraged to a
second essay, instructing him at the same time by clenching
his fists according to art, and putting himself in a proper
attitude. Thus confirmed, the enraged carman sprang upon his
foe, and in all appearance would have effectually revenged
the injury he had sustained, if he had not been prevented by
the interposition of a lacquey belonging to a nobleman,
whose coach was obliged to halt in consequence of the
dispute. This footman, who was distinguished by a cane,
descending from his post, without the least ceremony or
expostulation, began to employ his weapon upon the head and
shoulders of the peasant who had been patronized by Pipes;
upon which, Thomas, resenting such ungenerous behaviour,
bestowed such a stomacher upon the officious intermeddler,
as discomposed the whole economy of his entrails, and
obliged him to discharge the interjection Ah! with
demonstrations of great anguish and amazement. The other two
footmen who stood behind the coach, seeing their
fellow-servant so insolently assaulted, flew to his
assistance, and rallied a most disagreeable shower upon the
head of his aggressor, who had no means of diversion or
defence.
Peregrine, though he did not approve of Tom's conduct,
could not bear to see him so roughly handled, especially as
he thought his own honour concerned in the fray; and
therefore, quitting his machine, came to the rescue of his
attendant, and charged his adversaries sword in hand. Two of
them no sooner perceived this reinforcement, than they
betook themselves to flight; and Pipes, having twisted the
cane out of the hands of the third, belaboured him so
unmercifully, that our hero thought proper to interpose his
authority in his behalf. The common people stood aghast at
this unprecedented boldness of Pickle, who understanding
that the person whose servants he had disciplined was a
general and prince of the blood, went up to the coach, and
asked pardon for what he had done, imputing his own
behaviour to his ignorance of the other's quality. The old
nobleman accepted of his apology with great politeness,
thanking him for the trouble he had taken to reform the
manners of his domestics; and guessing from our youth's
appearance that he was some stranger of condition, very
courteously invited him into the coach, on the supposition
that they were both going to the opera. Pickle gladly
embraced this opportunity of becoming acquainted with a
person of such rank, and, ordering his own chariot to
follow, accompanied the count to his loge, where he
conversed with him during the whole entertainment.
He soon perceived that Peregrine was not deficient in
spirit or sense, and seemed particularly pleased with his
engaging manner and easy deportment, qualifications for
which the English nation is by no means remarkable in
France, and therefore the more conspicuous and agreeable in
the character of our hero, whom the nobleman carried home
that same evening, and introduced to his lady and several
persons of fashion who supped at his house. Peregrine was
quite captivated by their affable behaviour and the vivacity
of their discourse; and, after having been honoured with
particular marks of consideration, took his leave, fully
determined to cultivate such a valuable acquaintance.
His vanity suggested, that now the time was come when he
should profit by his talents among the fair sex, on whom he
resolved to employ his utmost art and address. With this
view he assiduously engaged in all parties to which he had
access by means of his noble friend, who let slip no
opportunity of gratifying his ambition. He for some time
shared in all his amusements, and was entertained in many of
the best families of France; but he did not long enjoy that
elevation of hope, which had flattered his imagination. He
soon perceived that it would be impossible to maintain the
honourable connections he had made, without engaging every
day at quadrille, or, in other words, losing his money; for
every person of rank, whether male or female, was a
professed gamester, who knew and practised all the finesse
of the art, of which he was entirely ignorant. Besides, he
began to find himself a mere novice in French gallantry,
which is supported by an amazing volubility of tongue, and
obsequious and incredible attention to trifles, a surprising
faculty of laughing out of pure complaisance, and a
nothingness of conversation which he could never attain. In
short, our hero, who among his own countrymen would have
passed for a sprightly, entertaining fellow, was considered
in the brilliant assemblies of France as a youth of a very
phlegmatic disposition. No wonder, then, that his pride was
mortified at his own want of importance, which he did not
fail to ascribe to their defect in point of judgment and
taste. He conceived a disgust at the mercenary conduct, as
well as the shallow intellects, of the ladies; and after he
had spent some months, and a round sum of money, in
fruitless attendance and addresses, he fairly quitted the
pursuit, and consoled himself with the conversation of a
merry fille de joie, whose good graces he acquired by an
allowance of twenty louis per month. That he might the more
easily afford this expense, he dismissed his chariot and
French lacquey at the same time.
He then entered himself in a noted academy, in order to
finish his exercises, and contracted an acquaintance with a
few sensible people, whom he distinguished at the
coffee-house and ordinary to which he resorted, and who
contributed not a little to the improvement of his knowledge
and taste; for, prejudice apart, it must be owned that
France abounds with men of consummate honour, profound
sagacity, and the most liberal education. From the
conversation of such, he obtained a distinct idea of their
government and constitution; and though he could not help
admiring the excellent order and economy of their police,
the result of all his inquiries was self-congratulation on
his title to the privileges of a British subject. Indeed
this invaluable birthright was rendered conspicuous by such
flagrant occurrences, which fell every day almost under his
observation, that nothing but the grossest prejudice could
dispute its existence.
CHAPTER XL.
Acquires a distinct Idea of the French Government—Quarrels
with a Mousquetaire, whom he afterwards fights and
vanquishes, after having punished him for interfering in his
amorous Recreations.
Among many other instances of the same nature, I believe
it will not be amiss to exhibit a few specimens of their
administration, which happened during his abode at Paris;
that those who have not the opportunity of observing for
themselves, or are in danger of being influenced by
misrepresentation, may compare their own condition with that
of their neighbours, and do justice to the constitution
under which they live.
A lady of distinguished character having been lampooned
by some obscure scribbler, who could not be discovered, the
ministry, in consequence of her complaint, ordered no fewer
than five-and-twenty abbes to be apprehended and sent to the
Bastille, on the maxim of Herod, when he commanded the
innocents to be murdered, hoping that the principal object
of his cruelty would not escape in the general calamity; and
the friends of those unhappy prisoners durst not even
complain of the unjust persecution, but shrugged up their
shoulders, and in silence deplored their misfortune,
uncertain whether or not they should ever set eyes on them
again.
About the same time a gentleman of family, who had been
oppressed by a certain powerful duke that lived in the
neighbourhood, found means to be introduced to the king,
who, receiving his petition very graciously, asked in what
regiment he served; and when the memorialist answered that
he had not the honour of being in the service, returned the
paper unopened, and refused to hear one circumstance of his
complaint; so that, far from being redressed, he remained
more than ever exposed to the tyranny of his oppressors;
nay, so notorious is the discouragement of all those who
presume to live independent of court favour and connections
that one of the gentlemen, whose friendship Peregrine
cultivated, frankly owned he was in possession of a most
romantic place in one of the provinces, and deeply enamoured
of a country life; and yet he durst not reside upon his own
estate, lest, by slackening in his attendance upon the
great, who honoured him with their protection, he should
fall a prey to some rapacious intendant.
As for the common people, they are so much inured to the
scourge and insolence of power, that every shabby subaltern,
every beggarly cadet of the noblesse, every low retainer to
the court, insults and injures them with impunity. A certain
ecuyer, or horsedealer, belonging to the king, being one day
under the hands of a barber, who happened to cut the head of
a pimple on his face, he started up, and drawing his sword,
wounded him desperately in the shoulder. The poor tradesman,
hurt as he was, made an effort to retire, and was followed
by this barbarous assassin, who, not contented with the
vengeance he had taken, plunged his sword a second time into
his body, and killed him on the spot. Having performed this
inhuman exploit, he dressed himself with great deliberation,
and going to Versailles, immediately obtained a pardon for
what he had done; triumphing in his brutality with such
insolence, that the very next time he had occasion to be
shaved he sat with his sword ready drawn, in order to repeat
the murder, in case the barber should commit the same
mistake. Yet so tamed are those poor people to subjection,
that when Peregrine mentioned this assassination to his own
trimmer, with expressions of horror and detestation, the
infatuated wretch replied, that without all doubt it was a
misfortune, but it proceeded from the gentleman's passion;
and observed, by way of encomium on the government, that
such vivacity is never punished in France.
A few days after this outrage was committed, our youth,
who was a professed enemy to all oppression, being in one of
the first loges at the comedy, was eye-witness of an
adventure which filled him with indignation: a tall,
ferocious fellow, in the parterre, without the least
provocation, but prompted by the mere wantonness of pride,
took hold of the hat of a very decent young man who happened
to stand before him, and twirled it round upon his head. The
party thus offended turned to his aggressor, and civilly
asked the reason of such treatment: but he received no
answer; and when he looked the other way, the insult was
repeated: upon which he expressed his resentment as became a
man of spirit, and desired the offender to walk out with
him. No sooner did he thus signify his intention, than his
adversary, swelling with rage, cocked his hat fiercely in
his face, and, fixing his hands in his sides, pronounced,
with the most imperious tone, "Hark ye, Mr. Round Periwig,
you must know that I am a mousquetaire." Scarce had this
awful word escaped from his lips, when the blood forsook the
lips of the poor challenger, who, with the most abject
submission, begged pardon for his presumption, and with
difficulty obtained it, on condition that he should
immediately quit the place. Having thus exercised his
authority, he turned to one of his companions, and, with an
air of disdainful ridicule, told him he was like to have had
an affair with a bourgeois; adding, by way of heightening
the irony, "Egad! I believe he is a physician."
Our hero was so much shocked and irritated at this
licentious behaviour, that he could not suppress his
resentment, which he manifested by saying to this Hector,
"Sir, a physician may be a man of honour." To this
remonstrance, which was delivered with a very significant
countenance, the mousquetaire made no other reply, but that
of echoing his assertion with a loud laugh, in which he was
joined by his confederates. Peregrine, glowing with
resentment, called him a fanfaron, and withdrew in
expectation of being followed into the street. The other
understood the hint; and a rencounter must have ensued had
not the officer of the guard, who overheard what passed,
prevented their meeting, by putting the mousquetaire
immediately under arrest. Our young gentleman waited at the
door of the parterre, until he was informed of this
interposition, and then went home very much chagrined at his
disappointment; for he was an utter stranger to fear and
diffidence on those occasions, and had set his heart upon
chastising the insolence of this bully, who had treated him
with such disrespect.
This adventure was not so private but that it reached the
ears of Mr. Jolter by the canal of some English gentlemen
who were present when it happened; and the governor, who
entertained a most dreadful idea of the mousquetaires, being
alarmed at a quarrel, the consequence of which might be
fatal to his charge, waited on the British ambassador, and
begged he would take Peregrine under his immediate
protection. His excellency, having heard the circumstances
of the dispute, sent one of his gentlemen to invite the
youth to dinner; and after having assured him that he might
depend upon his countenance and regard, represented the
rashness and impetuosity of his conduct so much to his
conviction, that he promised to act more circumspectly for
the future, and drop all thoughts of the mousquetaire from
that moment.
A few days after he had taken this laudable resolution,
Pipes, who had carried a billet to his mistress, informed
him that he had perceived a laced hat lying upon a marble
slab in her apartment; and that when she came out of her own
chamber to receive the letter, she appeared in manifest
disorder. From these hints of intelligence our young
gentleman suspected, or rather made no doubt of, her
infidelity; and being by this time well nigh cloyed with
possession, was not sorry to find she had given him cause to
renounce her correspondence. That he might therefore detect
her in the very breach of duty, and at the same time punish
the gallant who had the presumption to invade his
territories, he concerted with himself a plan which was
executed in this manner. During his next interview with his
dulcinea, far from discovering the least sign of jealousy or
discontent, he affected the appearance of extraordinary
fondness, and, after having spent the afternoon with the
show of uncommon satisfaction, told her he was engaged in a
party for Fountainebleau, and would set out from Paris that
same evening; so that he should not have the pleasure of
seeing her again for some days.
The lady, who was very well versed in the arts of her
occupation, pretended to receive this piece of news with
great affliction, and conjured him, with such marks of real
tenderness, to return as soon as possible to her longing
arms, that he went away almost convinced of her sincerity.
Determined, however, to prosecute his scheme, he actually
departed from Paris with two or three gentlemen of his
acquaintance, who had hired a remise for a jaunt to
Versailles; and having accompanied them as far as the
village of Passe, he returned in the dusk of the evening on
foot.
He waited impatiently till midnight, and then, arming
himself with a brace of pocket-pistols, and attended by
trusty Tom with a cudgel in his hand, repaired to the
lodgings of his suspected inamorata. Having given Pipes his
cue, he knocked gently at the door, which was no sooner
opened by the lacquey, than he bolted in, before the fellow
could recollect himself from the confusion occasioned by his
unexpected appearance; and, leaving Tom to guard the door,
ordered the trembling valet to light him upstairs into his
lady's apartment. The first object that presented itself to
his view, when he entered the antechamber, was a sword upon
the table, which he immediately seized, exclaiming, in a
loud and menacing voice, that his mistress was false, and
then in bed with another gallant, whom he would instantly
put to death. This declaration, confirmed by many terrible
oaths, he calculated for the hearing of his rival, who,
understanding his sanguinary purpose, started up in great
trepidation, and, naked as he was, dropped from the balcony
into the street, while Peregrine thundered at the door for
admittance, and, guessing his design, gave him an
opportunity of making this precipitate retreat. Pipes, who
stood sentinel at the door, observing the fugitive descend,
attacked him with his cudgel; and sweating him from one end
of the street to the other, at last committed him to the
guet by whom he was conveyed to the officer on duty in a
most disgraceful and deplorable condition.
Meanwhile Peregrine, having burst open the chamber door,
found the lady in the utmost dread and consternation, and
the spoils of her favourite scattered about the room; but
his resentment was doubly gratified, when he learned, upon
inquiry, that the person who had been so disagreeably
interrupted was no other than that individual mousquetaire
with whom he had quarrelled at the comedy. He upbraided the
nymph with her perfidy and ingratitude; and telling her that
she must not expect the continuance of his regard, or the
appointments which she had hitherto enjoyed from his bounty,
went home to his own lodgings, overjoyed at the issue of the
adventure.
The soldier, exasperated at the disgrace he had
undergone, as well as the outrageous insult of the English
valet, whom he believed his master had tutored for that
purpose, no sooner extricated himself from the opprobrious
situation he had incurred, than, breathing vengeance against
the author of the affront, he came to Peregrine's apartment,
and demanded satisfaction upon the ramparts next morning
before sunrise. Our hero assured him he would not fail to
pay his respects to him at the time and place appointed; and
foreseeing that he might be prevented from keeping this
engagement by the officious care of his governor, who saw
the mousquetaire come in, he told Mr. Jolter, that the
Frenchman had visited him in consequence of an order he had
received from his superiors, to make an apology for his rude
behaviour to him in the playhouse, and that they had parted
very good friends. This assurance, together with Pickle's
tranquil and unconcerned behaviour through the day, quieted
the terrors which had begun to take possession of his
tutor's imagination; so that the youth had an opportunity of
giving him the slip at night, when he betook himself to the
lodgings of a friend, whom he engaged as his second, and
with whom he immediately took the field, in order to avoid
the search which Jolter, upon missing him, might set on
foot.
This was a necessary precaution; for as he did not appear
at supper, and Pipes, who usually attended him in his
excursions, could give no account of his motions, the
governor was dreadfully alarmed at his absence, and ordered
his man to run in quest of his master to all the places
which he used to frequent, while he himself went to the
commissaire, and, communicating his suspicions, was
accommodated with a party of the horse-guards, who patrolled
round all the environs of the city, with a view of
preventing the rencounter. Pipes might have directed them to
the lady, by whose information they could have learned the
name and lodgings of the mousquetaire, and if he had been
apprehended the duel would not have happened; but he did not
choose to run the risk of disobliging his master by
intermeddling in the affair, and was moreover very desirous
that the Frenchman should be humbled; for he never doubted
that Peregrine was more than a match for any two men in
France. In this confidence, therefore, he sought his master
with great diligence, not with a view of disappointing his
intention, but in order to attend him to the battle, that he
might stand by him, and see justice done.
While this inquiry was carried on, our hero and his
companion concealed themselves among some weeds, that grew
on the edge of the parapet, a few yards from the spot where
he had agreed to meet the mousquetaire; and scarce had the
morning rendered objects distinguishable when they perceived
their men advancing boldly to the place. Peregrine, seeing
them approach sprang forward to the ground, that he might
have the glory of anticipating his antagonist; and swords
being drawn, all four were engaged in a twinkling. Pickle's
eagerness had well nigh cost him his life; for, without
minding his footing, he flew directly to his opposite, and,
stumbling over a stone, was wounded on one side of his head
before he could recover his attitude. Far from being
dispirited at this check, it served only to animate him the
more; being endowed with uncommon agility, he retrieved his
posture in a moment; and having parried a second thrust,
returned the lunge with such incredible speed, that the
soldier had not time to resume his guard, but was
immediately run through the bend of his right arm; and the
sword dropping out of his hand, our hero's victory was
complete.
Having despatched his own business, and received the
acknowledgment of his adversary who, with a look of infinite
mortification, answered, that his was the fortune of the
day, he ran to part the seconds, just as the weapon was
twisted out of his companion's hand: upon which he took his
place; and, in all likelihood, an obstinate dispute would
have ensued, had they not been interrupted by the guard, at
sight of whom the two Frenchmen scampered off. Our young
gentleman and his friend allowed themselves to be taken
prisoners by the detachment which had been sent out for that
purpose, and were carried before the magistrate, who, having
sharply reprimanded them for presuming to act in contempt of
the laws, set them at liberty, in consideration of their
being strangers; cautioning them, at the same time, to
beware of such exploits for the future.
When Peregrine returned to his own lodgings, Pipes,
seeing the blood trickling down upon his master's neckcloth
and solitaire, gave evident tokens of surprise and concern;
not for the consequences of the wound, which he did no
suppose dangerous, but for the glory of Old England, which
he was afraid had suffered in the engagement; for he could
not help saying, with an air of chagrin, as he followed the
youth into his chamber, "I do suppose as how you gave that
lubberly Frenchman as good as he brought."
CHAPTER XLI.
Mr. Jolter threatens to leave him on account of his
Misconduct, which he promises to rectify; but his Resolution
is defeated by the Impetuosity of his Passions—He meets
accidentally with Mrs. Hornbeck, who elopes with him from
her Husband, but is restored by the Interposition of the
British Ambassador.
Though Mr. Jolter was extremely well pleased at the
safety of his pupil, he could not forgive him for the terror
and anxiety he had undergone on his account; and roundly
told him, that notwithstanding the inclination and
attachment he had to his person, he would immediately depart
for England, if ever he should hear of his being involved in
such another adventure; for it could not be expected that he
would sacrifice his own quiet, to an unrequited regard for
one who seemed determined to keep him in continual
uneasiness and apprehension.
To this declaration Pickle made answer, that Mr. Jolter,
by this time, ought to be convinced of the attention he had
always paid to his ease and satisfaction; since he well knew
that he had ever looked upon him in the light of a friend
rather than as a counsellor or tutor; and desired his
company in France with a view of promoting his interest, not
for any emolument he could expect from his instruction. This
being the case, he was at liberty to consult his own
inclinations, with regard to going or staying; though he
could not help owning himself obliged by the concern he
expressed for his safety, and would endeavour, for his own
sake, to avoid giving him any cause of disturbance in time
to come.
No man was more capable of moralizing upon Peregrine's
misconduct than himself: his reflections were extremely just
and sagacious, and attended with no other disadvantage but
that of occurring too late. He projected a thousand salutary
schemes of deportment, but, like other projectors, he never
had interest enough with the ministry of his passions to
bring any of them to bear. He had, in the heyday of his
gallantry received a letter from his friend Gauntlet with a
kind postscript from his charming Emilia; but it arrived at
a very unseasonable juncture, when his imagination was
engrossed by conquests that more agreeably flattered his
ambition; so that he could not find leisure and inclination,
from that day, to honour the correspondence which he himself
had solicited. His vanity had, by the time, disapproved of
the engagement he had contracted in the rawness and
inexperience of youth; suggesting, that he was born to such
an important figure in life, as ought to raise his ideas
above the consideration of any such middling connections,
and fix his attention upon objects of the most sublime
attraction. These dictates of ridiculous pride had almost
effaced the remembrance of his amiable mistress, or at least
so far warped his morals and integrity, that he actually
began to conceive hopes of her altogether unworthy of his
own character and her deserts.
Meanwhile, being destitute of a toy for the dalliance of
his idle hours, he employed several spies, and almost every
day made a tour of the public places in person, with a view
of procuring intelligence of Mr. Hornbeck, with whose wife
he longed to have another interview. In this course of
expectation had he exercised himself a whole fortnight,
when, chancing to be at the Hospital of the Invalids with a
gentleman lately arrived from England, he no sooner entered
the church than he perceived his lady, attended by her
spouse, who at sight of our hero changed colour and looked
another way, in order to discourage any communication
between them. But the young man, who was not so easily
repulsed, advanced with great assurance to his
fellow-traveller, and taking him by the hand, expressed his
satisfaction at this unexpected meeting; kindly upbraiding
him for his precipitate retreat from Chantilly. Before
Hornbeck could make any reply he went up to his wife, whom
he complimented in the same manner; assuring her, with some
significant glances, he ass extremely mortified that she had
put it out of his power to pay his respects to her on his
first arrival at Paris; and then, turning to her husband,
who thought proper to keep close to him in this conference,
begged to know where he could have the honour of waiting
upon him; observing at the same time, that he himself lived
a l'Academie de Palfrenier.
Mr. Hornbeck, without making any apology for his
elopement on the road, thanked Mr. Pickle for his
complaisance in a very cool and disobliging manner; saying
that as he intended to shift his lodgings in a day or two,
he could not expect the pleasure of seeing him, until he
should be settled, when he would call at the academy, and
conduct him to his new habitation.
Pickle, who was not unacquainted with the sentiments of
this jealous gentleman, did not put much confidence in his
promise, and therefore made divers efforts to enjoy a little
private conversation with his wife; but he was baffled in
all his attempts by the indefatigable vigilance of her
keeper, and reaped no other immediate pleasure from this
accidental meeting, than that of a kind squeeze while he
handed her into the coach. However, as he had been witness
to some instances of her invention, and was no stranger to
the favourable disposition of her heart, he entertained some
faint hopes of profiting by her understanding, and was not
deceived in his expectation; for the very next forenoon, a
Savoyard called at the academy, and put the following billet
in his hand:—
"Coind Sur,—Heaving the playsure of meating with you at
the
osspital of awilheads, I take this lubbertea of latin you
know, that I lotch at the hottail de May cong dangle rouy
Doghouseten, with two postis at the gait, naytheir of um
very
hole, ware I shall be at the windore, if in kais you will be
so good as to pass that way at sicks a cloak in the
heavening
when Mr. Hornbeck goes to the Calf hay de Contea. Prey for
the
loaf of Geesus keep this from the nolegs of my hussban, ells
he
will make me leed a hell upon urth.—Being all from, deer
Sur,
your most umbell servan wile
"Deborah Hornbeck."
Our young gentleman was ravished at the receipt of this
elegant epistle, which was directed, A Monsr. Monsr.
Pickhell, a la Gaddamme de Paul Freny, and did not fail to
obey the summons at the hour of assignation; when the lady,
true to her appointment, beckoned him up-stairs, and he had
the good fortune to be admitted unseen.
After the first transports of their mutual joy at
meeting, she told him, that her husband had been very surly
and cross ever since the adventure at Chantilly, which he
had not yet digested; that he had laid severe injunctions
upon her to avoid all commerce with Pickle, and even
threatened to shut her up in a convent for life, if ever she
should discover the least inclination to renew that
acquaintance; that she had been cooped up in her chamber
since her arrival at Paris, without being permitted to see
the place, or indeed any company, except that of her
landlady, whose language she did not understand; so that her
spirit being broken, and her health impaired, he was
prevailed upon some days ago to indulge her in a few
airings, during which she had seen the gardens of the
Luxembourg, the Tuileries, and Palais Royal, though at those
times when there was no company in the walks; and that it
was in one of those excursions she had the happiness of
meeting with him. Finally, she gave him to understand, that
rather than continue longer in such confinement with the man
whom she could not love, she would instantly give him the
slip, and put herself under the protection of her lover.
Rash and unthinking as this declaration might be, the
young gentleman was so much of a gallant, that he would not
balk the lady's inclinations; and too infatuated by his
passion to foresee the consequences of such a dangerous
step: he therefore, without hesitation, embraced the
proposal; and the coast being clear, they sallied out into
the street, where Peregrine, calling a fiacre, ordered the
coachman to drive them to a tavern; but knowing it would not
be in his power to conceal her from the search of the
lieutenant de police, if she should remain within the walls
of Paris, he hired a remise, and carried her that same
evening to Villejuif, about four leagues from town, where he
stayed with her all night; and having boarded her on a
genteel pension, and settled the economy of his future
visits, returned next day to his own lodgings.
While he thus enjoyed his success, her husband endured
the tortures of the damned. When he returned from the
coffee-house, and understood that his wife had eloped,
without being perceived by any person in the family, he
began to rave and foam with rage and jealousy; and, in the
fury of distraction, accused the landlady of being an
accomplice in her escape, threatening to complain of her to
the commissaire. The woman could not conceive how Mrs.
Hornbeck, who she knew was an utter stranger to the French
language, and kept no sort of company, could elude the
caution of her husband, and find any refuge in a place where
she had no acquaintance, and began to suspect the lodger's
emotion was no other than an affected passion to conceal his
own practices upon his wife, who had perhaps fallen a
sacrifice to his jealous disposition. She therefore spared
him the trouble of putting his menaces into execution by
going to the magistrate, without any further deliberation,
and giving an account of what she knew concerning this
mysterious affair, with certain insinuations against
Hornbeck's character, which she represented as peevish and
capricious to the last degree.
While she thus anticipated the purpose of the plaintiff,
her information was interrupted by the arrival of the party
himself, who exhibited his complaint with such evident marks
of perturbation, anger, and impatience, that the commissaire
could easily perceive that he had no share in the
disappearance of his wife, and directed him to the
lieutenant de police, whose province it is to take
cognizance of such occurrences. This gentleman, who presides
over the city of Paris, having heard the particulars of
Hornbeck's misfortune, asked if he suspected any individual
person as the seducer of his yoke-fellow; and when he
mentioned Peregrine as the object of his suspicion, granted
a warrant and a detachment of soldiers, to search for and
retrieve the fugitive.
The husband conducted them immediately to the academy
where our hero lodged; and having rummaged the whole place,
to the astonishment of Mr. Jolter, without finding either
his wife or the supposed ravisher, accompanied them to all
the public-houses in the Faubourg, which having examined
also without success, he returned to the magistrate in a
state of despair, and obtained a promise of his making such
an effectual inquiry, that in three days he should have an
account of her, provided she was alive, and within the walls
of Paris.
Our adventurer, who had foreseen all this disturbance,
was not at all surprised when his governor told him what had
happened, and conjured him to restore the woman to the right
owner, with many pathetic remonstrances touching the heinous
sin of adultery, the distraction of the unfortunate husband,
and the danger of incurring the resentment of an arbitrary
government, which, upon application being made would not
fail of espousing the cause of the injured. He denied, with
great effrontery, that he had the least concern in the
matter, pretended to resent the deportment of Hornbeck, whom
he threatened to chastise for his scandalous suspicion, and
expressed his displeasure at the credulity of Jolter, who
seemed to doubt the veracity of his asseveration.
Notwithstanding this confident behaviour, Jolter could
not help entertaining doubts of his sincerity, and, visiting
the disconsolate swain, begged he would, for the honour of
his country, as well as for the sake of his own reputation,
discontinue his addresses to the lieutenant de police, and
apply to the British ambassador, who, by dint of friendly
admonitions, would certainly prevail upon Mr. Pickle to do
him all the justice in his power, if he was really the
author of the injury he had sustained. The governor urged
this advice with the appearance of so much sympathy and
concern, promising to co-operate within his influence in his
behalf, that Hornbeck embraced the proposal, communicated
his purpose to the magistrate, who commended the resolution
as the most decent and desirable expedient he could use, and
then waited upon his excellency, who readily espoused his
cause, and sending for the young gentleman that same
evening, read him such a lecture in private, as extorted a
confession of the whole affair. Not that he assailed him
with sour and supercilious maxims, or severe rebuke; because
he had penetration enough to discern that Peregrine's
disposition was impregnable to all such attacks; but he
first of all rallied him on his intriguing genius; then, in
a humorous manner, described the distraction of the poor
cuckold, who he owned was justly punished for the absurdity
of his conduct; and lastly, upon the supposition that it
would be no great effort in Pickle to part with such a
conquest, especially after it had been for some time
possessed, represented the necessity and expediency of
restoring her, not only out of regard to his own character
and that of his nation, but also with a view to his ease,
which would in a little time be very much invaded by such an
incumbrance, that in all probability would involve him in a
thousand difficulties and disgusts. Besides, he assured him
that he was already, by order of the lieutenant de police,
surrounded with spies, who would watch all his motions, and
immediately discover the retreat in which he had disposed
his prize. These arguments, and the frank familiar manner in
which they were delivered—but, above all, the last
consideration—induced the young gentleman to disclose the
whole of his proceedings to the ambassador; and he promised
to be governed by his direction, provided the lady should
not suffer for the step she had taken, but, be received by
her husband with due reverence and respect. These
stipulations being agreed to, he undertook to produce her in
eight-and-forty hours; and, taking coach, immediately drove
to the place of her residence, where he spent a whole day
and night in convincing her of the impossibility of their
enjoying each other in that manner; then, returning to
Paris, he delivered her into the hands of the ambassador,
who, having assured her that she might depend upon his
friendship and protection, in case she should find herself
aggrieved by the jealous temper of Mr. Hornbeck, restored
her to her legitimate lord, whom he counselled to exempt her
from that restraint which in all probability had been the
cause of her elopement, and endeavour to conciliate her
affection by tender and respectful usage.
The husband behaved with great humility and compliance,
protesting that his chief study should be to contrive
parties for her pleasure and satisfaction. But no sooner did
he regain possession of his stray sheep, than he locked her
up more closely than ever; and after having revolved various
schemes for her reformation, determined to board her in a
convent, under the inspection of a prudent abbess, who
should superintend her morals, and recall her to the paths
of virtue which she had forsaken. With this view, he
consulted an English priest of his acquaintance, who advised
him to settle her in a monastery at Lisle, that she might be
as far as possible from the machinations of her lover, and
gave him a letter of recommendation to the superior of a
certain convent in that place, for which Mr. Hornbeck set
out in a few days with his troublesome charge.
CHAPTER XLII.
Peregrine resolves to return to England—Is diverted with the
odd Characters of two of his Countrymen, with whom he
contracts an acquaintance in the Apartments of the Palais
Royal.
In the mean time our hero received a letter from his
aunt, importing that the commodore was in a very declining
way, and longed much to see him at the garrison; and at the
same time he heard from his sister, who gave him to
understand that the young gentleman, who had for some time
made his addresses to her, was become very pressing in his
solicitations; so that she wanted to know in what manner she
should answer his repeated entreaties. Those two
considerations determined the young gentleman to retain to
his native country; a resolution that was far from being
disagreeable to Jolter, who knew that the incumbent on a
living which was in the gift of Trunnion was extremely old,
and that it would be his interest to be upon the spot at the
said incumbent's decease.
Peregrine, who had resided about fifteen months in
France, thought he was now sufficiently qualified for
eclipsing most of his contemporaries in England, and
therefore prepared for his departure with infinite alacrity;
being moreover inflamed with the most ardent desire of
revisiting his friends, and renewing his connections,
particularly with Emilia, whose heart he by this time,
thought he was able to reduce on his own terms.
As he proposed to make the tour of Flanders and Holland
in his return to England, he resolved to stay at Paris a
week or two after his affairs were settled, in hope of
finding some companion disposed for the same journey; and,
in order to refresh his memory, made a second circuit round
all the places in that capital, where any curious production
of art is to be seen. In the course of this second
examination he chanced to enter the Palais Royal, just as
two gentlemen alighted from a fiacre at the gate; and all
three being admitted at the same time, he soon perceived
that the strangers were of his own country. One of them was
a young man, in whose air and countenance appeared all the
uncouth gravity and supercilious self-conceit of a physician
piping-hot from his studies; while the other, to whom his
companion spoke by the appellation of Mr. Pallet, displayed
at first sight a strange composition of levity and
assurance. Indeed, their characters, dress, and address,
were strongly contrasted: the doctor wore a suit of black,
and a huge tie-wig, neither suitable to his own age, nor the
fashion of the country where he then lived; whereas the
other, though seemingly turned of fifty, strutted in a gay
summer dress of the Parisian cut, with a bag to his own grey
hair, and a red feather in his hat, which he carried under
his arm. As these figures seemed to promise something
entertaining, Pickle entered into conversation with them
immediately, and soon discovered that the old gentleman was
a painter from London, who had stolen a fortnight from his
occupation, in order to visit the remarkable paintings of
France and Flanders; and that the doctor had taken the
opportunity of accompanying him in his tour. Being extremely
talkative, he not only communicated these particulars to our
hero in a very few minutes after their meeting, but also
took occasion to whisper in his ear that his
fellow-traveller was a man of vast learning and, beyond all
doubt, the greatest poet of the age. As for himself, he was
under no necessity of making his own eulogium; for he soon
gave such specimens of his taste and talents as left Pickle
no room to doubt of his capacity.
While they stood considering the pictures in one of the
first apartments, which are by no means the most masterly
compositions, the Swiss, who set up for a connoisseur,
looking at a certain piece, pronounced the word with a note
of admiration; upon which Mr. Pallet, who was not at all a
critic in the French language, replied, with great vivacity,
"Manufac, you mean, and a very indifferent piece of
manufacture it is: pray, gentlemen, take notice; there is no
keeping in those heads upon the background, and no relief in
the principal figure: then you'll observe the shadings are
harsh to the last degree; and, come a little closer this
way—don't you perceive that the foreshortening of that arm
is monstrous?—egad, sir! The is an absolute fracture in the
limb. Doctor, you understand anatomy: don't you think that
muscle evidently misplaced? Hark ye, Mr. what-d'ye-call-um
(turning to the attendant), what is the name of the dauber
who painted that miserable performance?" The Swiss,
imagining that he was all this time expressing his
satisfaction, sanctioned his supposed commendation by
exclaiming sans prix. "Right," cried Pallet: "I could not
recollect his name, though his manner is quite familiar to
me. We have a few pieces in England, done by that same
Sangpree; but there they are in no estimation; we have more
taste among us than to relish the productions of such a
miserable gout. A'n't he an ignorant coxcomb, doctor?" The
physician, ashamed of his companion's blunder, thought it
was necessary, for the honour of his wan character, to take
notice of it before the stranger, and therefore answered his
question by repeating this line from Horace:—
Mutato nomine, de te fabula narratur.
The painter, who was rather more ignorant of Latin than
of French, taking it for granted that this quotation of his
friend conveyed an assent to his opinion, "Very true," said
he, "Potato domine date, this piece is not worth a single
potato." Peregrine was astonished at this surprising
perversion of the words and meaning of a Latin line, which,
at first, he could not help thinking was a premeditated
joke; but, upon second thoughts, he saw no reason to doubt
that it was the extemporaneous effect of sheer pertness and
ignorance, at which he broke out into an immoderate fit of
laughter. Pallet, believing that the gentleman's mirth was
occasioned by his arch animadversion upon the work of
Sangpree, underwent the same emotion in a much louder
strain, and endeavoured to heighten the jest by more
observations of the same nature; while the doctor,
confounded at his impudence and want of knowledge,
reprimanded him in these words of Homer:—
Siga, me tis allos Achaion touton akouse muthon.
This rebuke, the reader will easily perceive, was not
calculated for the meridian of his friend's intellects, but
uttered with a view of raising his own character in the
opinion of Mr. Pickle, who retorted this parade of learning
in three verses from the same author, being part of the
speech of Polydamas to Hector, importing that it is
impossible for one man to excel in everything.
The self-sufficient physician, who did not expect such a
repartee from a youth of Peregrine's appearance, looked upon
his reply as a fair challenge, and instantly rehearsed forty
or fifty lines of the Iliad in a breath. Observing that the
stranger made no effort to match this effusion, he
interpreted his silence into submission; then, in order to
ascertain his victory, insulted him with divers fragments of
authors, whom his supposed competitor did not even know by
name; while Mr. Pallet stared with admiration at the
profound scholarship of his companion. Our young gentleman,
far from repining at this superiority laughed within himself
at the ridiculous ambition of the pedantic doctor. He rated
him in his own mind as a mere index-hunter, who held the eel
of science by the tail, and foresaw an infinite fund of
diversion in his solemnity and pride, if properly extracted
by means of his fellow-traveller's vanity and assurance.
Prompted by these considerations, he resolved to cultivate
their acquaintance, and, if possible, amuse himself at their
expense in his journey through Flanders, understanding that
they were determined upon the same route. In this view he
treated them with extraordinary attention, and seemed to pay
particular deference to the remarks of the painter, who,
with great intrepidity, pronounced judgment upon every
picture in the palace, or, in other words, exposed his own
nakedness in every sentence that proceeded from his mouth.
When they came to consider the Murder of the Innocents by
Le Brun, the Swiss observed, that it was un beau morceau,
and Mr. Pallet replied,—"Yes, yes, one may see with half an
eye, that it can be the production of no other; for
Bomorso's style both in colouring and drapery, is altogether
peculiar: then his design is tame, and his expression antic
and unnatural. Doctor, you have seen my judgment of Solomon;
I think I may, without presumption—but, I don't choose to
make comparisons; I leave that odious task to other people,
and let my works speak for themselves. France, to be sure,
is rich in the arts; but what is the reason? The king
encourages men of genius with honour and rewards; whereas,
in England, we are obliged to stand on our own feet, and
combat the envy and malice of our brethren. Egad! I have a
good mind to come and settle here in Paris. I should like to
have an apartment in the Louvre, with a snug pension of so
many thousand livres."
In this manner did Pallet proceed with an eternal
rotation of tongue, floundering from one mistake to another,
until it was the turn of Poussin's Seven Sacraments to be
examined. Here again, the Swiss, out of the abundance of his
zeal, expressed his admiration, by saying these pieces were
impayable; when the painter, turning to him, with an air of
exultation, "Pardon me, friend, there you happen to be
mistaken: these are none of Impayable's; but done by
Nicholas Pouseen. I have seen prints of them in England, so
that none of your tricks upon travellers, Mr. Swiss or
Swash, or what's your name." He was much elated by this
imaginary triumph of his understanding, which animated him
to persevere in his curious observations upon all the other
pieces of that celebrated collection; but perceiving that
the doctor manifested no signs of pleasure and satisfaction,
but rather beheld them with a silent air of disdain, he
could not digest his indifference, and asked, with a waggish
sneer, if ever he had seen such a number of masterpieces
before? The physician, eyeing him with a look of compassion,
mingled with contempt, observed that there was nothing there
which deserved the attention of any person acquainted with
the ideas of the ancients; and that the author of the finest
piece now in being was unworthy to clean the brushes of one
of those great masters who are celebrated by the Greek and
Roman writers.
"O lad! O lad!" exclaimed the painter, with a loud laugh,
"you have fairly brought yourself into a dilemma at last,
dear doctor; for it is well known that your ancient Greek
and Roman artists knew nothing at all of the matter, in
comparison with our modern masters; for this good reason,
because they had but three or four colours, and knew not how
to paint with oil: besides, which of all your old fusty
Grecians would you put upon a footing with the divine
Raphael, the most excellent Michael Angelo, Bona Roti, the
graceful Guido, the bewitching Titian, and above all others,
the sublime Rubens, the—." He would have proceeded with a
long catalogue of names which he had got by heart for the
purpose, without retaining the least idea of their several
qualifications, had not he been interrupted by his friend,
whose indignation being kindled by the irreverence with
which he mentioned the Greeks, he called him blasphemer,
Goth, Boeotian, and, in his turn, asked with great
vehemence, which of those puny moderns could match with
Panaenus of Athens, and his brother Phidias; Polycletus of
Sicyon; Polygnotus, the Thracian; Parrhasius of Ephesus,
surnamed Abrodiaitos, or the Beau; and Apelles, the prince
of painters? He challenged him to show any portrait of these
days that could vie with the Helen of Zeuxis, the Heraclean;
or any composition equal to the Sacrifice of Iphigenia, by
Timanthes, the Sicyonian; not to mention the Twelve Gods of
Asclepiodorus, the Athenian, for which Mnason, tyrant of
Elatea, gave him about three hundred pounds apiece; or
Homer's Hell, by Nicias, who refused sixty talents,
amounting to upwards of eleven thousand pounds, and
generously made a present of it to his own country. He
desired him to produce a collection equal to that in the
temple of Delphos, mentioned in the "Ion" of Euripides;
where Hercules and his companion Iolaus, are represented in
the act of killing the Lernaean hydra with golden sickles,
kruseais harpais, where Bellerophon appears on his winged
steed, vanquishing the fire-breathing chimera, tan
puripneousan; and the war of the giants is described. Here
Jupiter stands wielding the red-hot thunderbolts, keraunon
amphipuron; there Pallas, dreadful to the view, Gorgopon,
brandishes her spear against the huge Euceladus; and
Bacchus, with slender ivy rods, defeats and slays the ges
teknon, or the mighty son of earth.
The painter was astonished and confounded at this
rhapsody of names and instances, which was uttered with
surprising eagerness and rapidity, suspecting at first that
the whole was the creation of his own brain; but when
Pickle, with a view of flattering the doctor's self-conceit,
espoused his side of the question, and confirmed the truth
of everything he advanced, Mr. Pallet changed his opinion,
and in emphatic silence adored the immensity of his friend's
understanding. In short, Peregrine easily perceived that
they were false enthusiasts, without the smallest
pretensions to taste and sensibility; and pretended to be in
raptures with they knew not what; the one thinking it was
incumbent upon him to express transports on seeing the works
of those who had been most eminent in their profession,
whether they did or did not really raise his admiration; and
the other as a scholar deeming it his duty to magnify the
ancients above all competition, with an affected fervour,
which the knowledge of their excellencies never inspired.
Indeed, our young gentleman so successfully accommodated
himself to the disposition of each, that long before their
review was finished, he was become a particular favourite
with both.
From the Palais Royal he accompanied them to the
cloisters of the Carthusian's, where they considered the
History of St. Bruno, by Le Sueur, whose name being utterly
unknown to the painter, he gave judgment against the whole
composition, as pitiful and paltry; though, in the opinion
of all good judges, it is a most masterly performance.
Having satisfied their curiosity in this place, Peregrine
asked them to favour him with their company at dinner; but
whether out of caution against the insinuations of one whose
character they did not know, or by reason of a prior
engagement, they declined his invitation on pretence of
having an appointment at a certain ordinary, though they
expressed a desire of being further acquainted with him; and
Mr. Pallet took the freedom of asking his name, which he not
only declared, but promised, as they were strangers in
Paris, to wait upon them next day in the forenoon, in order
to conduct them to the Hotel de Toulouse, and the houses of
several other noblemen, remarkable for painting or curious
furniture. They thankfully embraced his proposal, and that
same day made inquiry among the English gentlemen about the
character of our hero, which they found so much to their
satisfaction, that, upon their second meeting, they courted
his good graces without reserve; and as they had heard of
his intended departure, begged earnestly to have the honour
of accompanying him through the Low Countries. He assured
them that nothing could be more agreeable to him than the
prospect of having such fellow-travellers; and they
immediately appointed a day for setting out on that tour.
CHAPTER XLIII.
He introduces his new Friends to Mr. Jolter, with whom the
Doctor enters into a Dispute upon Government, which had well
nigh terminated in open War.
Meanwhile, he not only made them acquainted with
everything worth seeing in town but attended them in their
excursions to all the king's houses within a day's journey
of Paris; and in the course of these parties, treated them
with an elegant dinner at his own apartments, where a
dispute arose between the doctor and Mr. Jolter, which had
well nigh terminated in an irreconcilable animosity. These
gentlemen, with an equal share of pride, pedantry, and
saturnine disposition, were, by the accidents of education
and company, diametrically opposite in political maxims; the
one, as we have already observed, being a bigoted
high-churchman, and the other a rank republican. It was an
article of the governor's creed, that the people could not
be happy, nor the earth yield its fruits in abundance, under
a restricted clergy and limited government; whereas, in the
doctor's opinion, it was an eternal truth, that no
constitution was so perfect as the democracy, and that no
country could flourish but under the administration of the
mob.
These considerations being premised, no wonder that they
happened to disagree in the freedom of an unreserved
conversation, especially as their entertainer took all
opportunities of encouraging and inflaming the contention.
The first source of their difference was an unlucky remark
of the painter, who observed that the partridge, of which he
was then eating, had the finest relish of any he had ever
tasted. His friend owned that the birds were the best of the
kind he had seen in France; but affirmed that they were
neither so plump nor delicious as those that were caught in
England. The governor, considering this observation as the
effect of prejudice and inexperience, said, with a sarcastic
smile, "I believe, sir, you are very well disposed to find
everything here inferior to the productions of your own
country."—"True, sir," answered the physician, with a
certain solemnity of aspect, "and not without good reason, I
hope."—"And pray," resumed the tutor, "why may not the
partridges of France be as good as those of England?"—"For a
very plain reason," replied the other; "because they are not
so well fed. The iron hand of oppression is extended to all
animals within the French dominions, even to the beasts of
the field and the fowls of the air; kunessin oionoisi te
pasi."—"Egad!" cried the painter, "that is a truth not to be
controverted: for my own part, I am none of your tit-bits,
one would think; but yet there is a freshness in the English
complexion, a ginseekye, I think you call it, so inviting to
a hungry Frenchman, that I have caught several in the very
act of viewing me with an eye of extreme appetite, as I
passed; and as for their curs, or rather their wolves,
whenever I set eyes on one of 'em, Ah! your humble servant,
Mr. son of a b—, I am upon my guard in an instant. The
doctor can testify that their very horses, or more properly
their live carrion, that drew our chaise, used to reach back
their long necks and smell at us, as a couple of delicious
morsels."
This sally of Mr. Pallet, which was received with a
general laugh of approbation, would in all probability, have
stifled the dispute in embryo, had not Mr. Jolter, with a
self-applauding simper, ironically complimented the
strangers on their talking like true Englishmen. The doctor,
affronted at the insinuation, told him with some warmth that
he was mistaken in his conjecture, his affections and ideas
being confined to no particular country; for he considered
himself as a citizen of the world. He owned himself more
attached to England than to any other kingdom, but this
preference was the effect of reflection, and not of
prejudice; the British constitution approached nearer than
any other to that perfection of government, the democracy of
Athens, he hoped one day to see revived; he mentioned the
death of Charles the First, and the expulsion of his son,
with raptures of applause; inveighed with great acrimony
against the kingly name; and, in order to strengthen his
opinion, repeated forty or fifty lines from one of the
Philippics of Demosthenes.
Jolter, hearing him speak so disrespectfully of the
higher powers, glowed with indignation: he said his
doctrines were detestable, and destructive of all right,
order, and society; that monarchy was of divine institution,
therefore indefeasible by any human power; and of
consequence those events in the English history, which he
had so liberally commended, were no other than flagrant
instances of sacrilege, perfidy, and sedition; that the
democracy of Athens was a most absurd constitution,
productive of anarchy and mischief, which must always happen
when the government of a nation depends upon the caprice of
the ignorant, hair-brained vulgar; that it was in the power
of the most profligate member of the commonwealth, provided
he was endowed with eloquence, to ruin the most deserving,
by a desperate exertion of his talents upon the populace,
who had been often persuaded to act in the most ungrateful
and imprudent manner against the greatest patriots that
their country had produced; and, finally, he averred, that
the liberal arts and sciences had never flourished so much
in a republic as under the encouragement and protection of
absolute power: witness the Augustan age, and the reign of
Louis the Fourteenth: nor was it to be supposed that genius
and merit could ever be so amply recompensed by the
individuals or distracted councils of a commonwealth, as by
the generosity and magnificence of one who had the whole
treasury at his own command.
Peregrine, who was pleased to find the contest grow warm,
observed that there seemed to be a good deal of truth in
what Mr. Jolter advanced; and the painter whose opinion
began to waver, looked with a face of expectation at his
friend, who, modelling his features into an expression of
exulting disdain, asked of his antagonist, if he did not
think that very power of rewarding merit enabled an absolute
prince to indulge himself in the most arbitrary license over
the lives and fortunes of his people? Before the governor
had time to answer this question, Pallet broke forth into an
exclamation of "By the Lord! that is certainly fact, egad!
that was a home-thrust, doctor." When Mr. Jolter, chastising
this shallow intruder with a contemptuous look, affirmed
that, though supreme power furnished a good prince with the
means of exerting his virtues, it would not support a tyrant
in the exercise of cruelty and oppression; because in all
nations the genius of the people must be consulted by their
governors, and the burthen proportioned to the shoulders on
which it is laid. "Else, what follows?" said the physician.
"The consequence is plain," replied the governor,
"insurrection, revolt, and his own destruction; for it is
not to be supposed that the subjects of any nation would be
so abject and pusillanimous as to neglect the means which
heaven hath put in their power for their own
preservation."—"Gadzooks, you're in the right, sir!" cried
Pallet; "that, I grant you, must be confessed: doctor, I'm
afraid we have got into the wrong box." This son of Paean,
however, far from being of his friend's opinion, observed,
with an air of triumph, that he would not only demonstrate
the sophistry of the gentleman's last allegation by argument
and facts, but even confute him with his own words. Jolter's
eyes kindling at this presumptuous declaration, he told his
antagonist, while his lip quivered with resentment, that if
his arguments were no better than his breeding, he was sure
he would make very few converts to his opinion; and the
doctor, with all the insolence of triumph, advised him to
beware of disputes for the future, until he should have made
himself more master of his subject.
Peregrine both wished and hoped to see the disputants
proceed to arguments of more weight and conviction; and the
painter, dreading the same issue, interposed with the usual
exclamation of "For God's sake, gentlemen;" when the
governor rose from table in great dudgeon, and left the
room, muttering some ejaculation, of which the word coxcomb
only could be distinctly heard. The physician, being thus
left master of the field of battle, was complimented on his
victory by Peregrine, and so elevated by his success, that
he declaimed a full hour on the absurdity of Jolter's
proposition, and the beauty of the democratic
administration; canvassed the whole scheme of Plato's
republic, with many quotations from that ideal author,
touching the to kalon: from thence he made a transition to
the moral sense of Shaftesbury, and concluded his harangue
with the greatest part of that frothy writer's rhapsody,
which he repeated with all the violence of enthusiastic
agitation, to the unspeakable satisfaction of his
entertainer, and the unutterable admiration of Pallet, who
looked upon him as something supernatural and divine.
So intoxicated was this vain young man with the ironical
praises of Pickle, that he forthwith shook off all reserve;
and having professed a friendship for our hero, whose taste
and learning he did not fail to extol, intimated in plain
terms, that he was the only person, in these latter ages,
who possessed that genius, that portion of the divinity, or
Ti Theion, which immortalized the Grecian poets: that as
Pythagoras affirmed the spirit of Euphorbus had
transmigrated into his body, he, the doctor, strangely
possessed with the opinion that he himself was inspired by
the soul of Pindar; because, making allowance for the
difference of languages in which they wrote, there was a
surprising affinity between his own works and those of that
celebrated Theban; and as a confirmation of this truth, he
immediately produced a sample of each, which, though in
spirit and versification as different as the Odes of Horace
and our present poet-laureat, Peregrine did not scruple to
pronounce altogether congenial, notwithstanding the violence
he by this sentence offered to his own conscience, and a
certain alarm to his pride, that was weak enough to be
disturbed by the physician's ridiculous vanity and
presumption, which, not contented with displaying his
importance in the world of taste and polite literature,
manifested itself in arrogating certain material discoveries
in the province of physic, which could not fail to advance
him to the highest pinnacle of that profession, considering
the recommendation of his other talents, together with a
liberal fortune which he inherited from his father.
CHAPTER XLIV.
The Doctor prepares an Entertainment in the Manner of the
Ancients, which is attended with divers ridiculous
Circumstances.
In a word, our young gentleman, by his insinuating
behaviour, acquired the full confidence of the doctor, who
invited him to an entertainment, which he intended to
prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with
this idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured
with many encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his
genius and apprehension; and the day was appointed at some
distance of time, that the treater might have leisure to
compose certain pickles and confections which were not to be
found among the culinary preparations of these degenerate
days. With a view of rendering the physician's taste more
conspicuous, and extracting from it the more diversion,
Peregrine proposed that some foreigners should partake of
the banquet; and the task being left to his care and
discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French
marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew
to be egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to
enhance the joy of the entertainment.
Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to
the hotel where the physician lodged, after having regaled
their expectations with an elegant meal in the genuine old
Roman taste; and they were received by Mr. Pallet, who did
the honours of the house, while his friend superintended the
cook below. By this communicative painter, the guests
understood that the doctor had met with numerous
difficulties in the execution of his design; that no fewer
than five cooks had been dismissed, because they could not
prevail upon their own consciences to obey his directions in
things that were contrary to the present practice of their
art; and that although he had at last engaged a person, by
an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the
fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed at the
commands he had received, that his hair stood on end, and he
begged on his knees to be released from the agreement he had
made; but finding that his employer insisted upon the
performance of his contract, and threatened to introduce him
to the commissaire if he should flinch from the bargain, he
had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sang, cursed, and
capered for two whole hours without intermission.
While the company listened to this odd information, by
which they were prepossessed with strange notions of the
dinner, their ears were invaded by a voice that exclaimed in
French, "For the love of God! dear sir! for the passion of
Jesus Christ! spare me the mortification of the honey and
oil!" Their ears still vibrated with the sound, when the
doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted with the
strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could
not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had
found in the Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been
almost entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis,
who thought the honour of his nation was concerned at this
declaration, professed his sorrow for what had happened, so
contrary to the established character of the people, and
undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided
he could be informed of their names or places of abode.
The mutual compliments that passed on this occasion were
scarce finished, when a servant, coming into the room,
announced dinner; and the entertainer led the way into
another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather
two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of
dishes, the steams of which had such evident effect upon the
nerves of the company, that the marquis made frightful
grimaces, under pretence of taking snuff; the Italian's eyes
watered; the German's visage underwent several distortions
of features; our hero found means to exclude the odour from
his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth;
and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his
nostrils with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only
person present, whose organs were not discomposed, pointing
to a couple of couches placed on each side of the table,
told his guests that he was sorry he could not procure the
exact triclinia of the ancients, which were somewhat
different from these conveniences, and desired they would
have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony,
each in his respective couchette, while he and his friend
Mr. Pallet would place themselves upright at the ends, that
they might have the pleasure of serving those that lay
along. This disposition, of which the strangers had no
previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most
ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to
each other, on pretence of disputing the lower seat, but in
reality with a view of profiting by the example of one
another, for neither of them understood the manner in which
they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their
confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with
the most mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking
possession of the upper place.
In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they
continue acting a pantomime of gesticulations, until the
doctor earnestly entreated them to waive all compliment and
form, lest the dinner should be spoiled before the
ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, Peregrine took
the lower couch on the left-hand-side, laying himself gently
down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in
imitation of this pattern (though he would have much rather
fasted three days than run the risk of discomposing his
dress by such an attitude), stretched himself upon the
opposite place, reclining upon his elbow in a most painful
and awkward situation, with his head raised above the end of
the couch, that the economy of his hair might not suffer by
the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin limber
creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining
any misfortune but that of his stocking being torn by a
ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level
with the rest of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither
so wieldy nor supple in his joints as his companions,
flounced himself down with such precipitation, that his
feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious contact with the
head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a
twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant,
descended upon the side of his couch, with such violence,
that his periwig was struck off, and the whole room filled
with pulvilio.
The drollery of distress that attended this disaster
entirely vanquished the affected gravity of our young
gentleman, who was obliged to suppress his laughter by
cramming his handkerchief in his mouth; for the bare-headed
German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, and the
marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance,
as were sufficient to awake the mirth of a quietist.
This misfortune being repaired as well as the
circumstances of the occasion would permit, and every one
settled according to the arrangement already described, the
doctor graciously undertook to give some account of the
dishes as they occurred, that the company might be directed
in their choice: and with an air of infinite satisfaction
thus began: "This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, served
up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint,
rue, anchovies; I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one
of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the
ancients for the magnitude of their livers, one of which is
said to have weighed upwards of two pounds; with this food,
exquisite as it was, did the tyrant Heliogabalus regale his
hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost forgot the soup,
which I hear is so necessary an article at all tables in
France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of
the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese,
pine-tops, honey, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen
livers; the other is much the same as the soup-maigre of
this country. Then there is a loin of veal boiled with
fennel and caraway-seed, on a pottage composed of pickle,
oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hachis of the lights,
liver, and blood of a hare, together with a dish of roasted
pigeons. Monsieur le baron, shall I help you to a plate of
this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of the
ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish
the composition; while the marquis being asked by the
painter which of the silly-kickabys he chose, was, in
consequence of his desire, accommodated with a portion of
the soup-maigre; and the count, in lieu of spoon-meat, of
which he said he was no great admirer, supplied himself with
a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of our young
gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through the
whole course of the entertainment.
The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made
a full pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in
his gullet, his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a
series of involuntary contractions and dilatations. Pallet,
who looked steadfastly at this connoisseur, with a view of
consulting his taste, before he himself would venture upon
the soup, began to be disturbed at these motions, and
observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed
to be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that
these were symptoms of ecstasy, and, for further
confirmation, asked the marquis how he found the soup. It
was with infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so
far master his disgust as to enable him to answer,
"Altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter
being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his
mouth without scruple, but far from justifying the eulogium
of his taster, when this precious composition diffused
itself upon his palate, he seemed to be deprived of all
sense and motion, and sat like the leaden statue of some
river god, with the liquor flowing out at both sides of his
mouth.
The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon,
earnestly inquired into the cause of it; and when Pallet
recovered his recollection, and swore that he would rather
swallow porridge made of burning brimstone, than such an
infernal mess as that which he had tasted, the physician, in
his own vindication, assured the company, that, except the
usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but some
sal ammoniac instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not
now be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a
succedaneum was not an improvement on the whole. The
unfortunate petit-maitre, driven to the extremity of his
condescension, acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement;
and deeming himself obliged, in point of honour, to evince
his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more mouthfuls
of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his
stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start
up of a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation,
overturned his plate into the bosom of the baron. The
emergency of this occasion would not permit him to stay and
make apologies for his abrupt behaviour; so that he flew
into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking and
crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his
desire, being brought to the door, he slipped into it more
dead than alive, conjuring his friend Pickle to make his
peace with the company, and in particular excuse him to the
baron, on account of the violent fit of illness with which
he had been seized. It was not without reason that he
employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to the
dining-room, the German got up, and was under the hands of
his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich
embroidered waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his
misfortune, stamped upon the ground, and in High Dutch
cursed the unlucky banquet, and the impertinent entertainer,
who all this time, with great deliberation, consoled him for
the disaster, by assuring him that the damage done might be
repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot iron.
Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his
face, appeased his indignation by telling him how much the
whole company, and especially, the marquis, was mortified at
the accident; and the unhappy salacacabia being removed, the
places were filled with two pies, one of dormice liquored
with syrup of white poppies, which the doctor had
substituted in the room of toasted poppy-seed, formerly
eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a
hock of pork baked in honey.
Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described,
lifted up his hands and eyes, and with signs of loathing and
amazement, pronounced, "A pie made of dormice and syrup of
poppies! Lord in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans
were!" His friend checked him for his irreverent exclamation
with a severe look, and recommended the veal, of which he
himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to the company,
that the baron resolved to imitate his example, after having
called for a bumper of Burgundy, which the physician, for
his sake, wished to have been the true wine of Falernum. The
painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he would
venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had
recourse to the veal also; although he could not help saying
that he would not give one slice of the roast beef of Old
England for all the dainties of a Roman Emperor's table. But
all the doctor's invitations and assurances could not
prevail upon his guests to honour the hachis and the goose;
and that course was succeeded by another, in which he told
them were divers of those dishes, which among the ancients
had obtained the appellation of politeles, or magnificent.
"That which smokes in the middle," said he, "is a sow's
stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's
brains, eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger,
oil, wine, and pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats
and belly of a sow, just farrowed, fried with sweet wine,
oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left is a fricassee
of snails, fed, or rather purged, with milk. At that end
next Mr. Pallet are fritters of pompions, lovage, origanum,
and oil; and here are a couple of pullets roasted and
stuffed in the manner of Apicius."
The painter, who had by wry faces testified his
abhorrence of the sow's stomach, which he compared to a
bagpipe, and the snails which had undergone purgation, he no
sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets, than he
eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which the doctor
desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and
accordingly sent them round, while Pallet tucked the
table-cloth under his chin, and brandished his knife and
fork with singular address: but scarce were they set down
before him, when the tears ran down his cheeks; and he
called aloud, in a manifest disorder, "Zounds! this is the
essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not,
however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied
his instruments to one of the birds; and when he opened up
the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption of
intolerable smells, that, without staying to disengage
himself from the cloth, he sprang away, with an exclamation
of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in havoc,
ruin, and confusion.
Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced
with the syrup of the dormouse pie, which went to pieces in
the general wreck; and as for the Italian count, he was
overwhelmed by the sow's stomach, which, bursting in the
fall, discharged its contents upon his leg and thigh, and
scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked with anguish, and
grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect.
The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this
tumult, was not at all displeased at seeing his companions
involved in such a calamity as that which he had already
shared; but the doctor was confounded with shame and
vexation. After having prescribed an application of oil to
the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for the
misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and
prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return,
and make an apology in person; and protested that there was
nothing in the fowls which could give offence to a sensible
nose, the stuffing being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and
assafoetida, and the sauce consisting of wine and
herring-pickle, which he had used instead of the celebrated
garum of the Romans; that famous pickle having been prepared
sometimes of the scombri, which were a sort of tunny-fish,
and sometimes of the silurus, or shad-fish: nay, he observed
that there was a third kind, called garum haemation, made of
the guts, gills, and blood of the thynnus.
The physician, finding it would be impracticable to
re-establish the order of the banquet, by presenting again
the dishes which had been discomposed, ordered everything to
be removed, a clean cloth to be laid, and the dessert to be
brought in. Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give
them a specimen of the aliens, or fish meals of the
ancients, such as the jus diabaton, the conger-eel, which,
in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the cornuta, or
gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who
says, the horns of many of them were a foot and a half in
length, the mullet and lamprey, that were in the highest
estimation of old, of which last Julius Caesar borrowed six
thousand for one triumphal supper. He observed that the
manner of dressing them was described by Horace, in the
account he gives of the entertainment to which Maecenas was
invited by the epicure Nasidienus:—
Affertur squillas inter muraena natantes, etc.
and told them that they were commonly eaten with the thus
Syriacum, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which
qualified the purgative nature of the fish. This learned
physician gave them to understand, that though this was
reckoned a luxurious fish in the zenith of the Roman taste,
it was by no means comparable, in point of expense, to some
preparations in vogue about the time of that absurd
voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six
hundred ostriches to be compounded in one illness.
By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were
not a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water:
butt what the master of the feast valued himself upon, was a
sort of jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the
hypotrimma of Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle,
and honey, boiled to proper consistence, and candied
assafoetida, which he asserted, in contradiction to
Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the laser
Syriacum, so precious, as to be sold among the ancients to
the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word
for the excellency of this gum, but contented themselves
with the olives, which gave such an agreeable relish to the
wine, that they seemed very well disposed to console
themselves for the disgraces they had endured; and Pickle,
unwilling to lose the least circumstance of entertainment
that could be enjoyed in their company, went in quest of the
painter, who remained in his penitentials in another
apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the
banqueting room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his
pardon from those whom he had injured. Having assured him of
this indulgence, our young gentleman led him in like a
criminal, bowing on all hands with all air of humility and
contrition; and particularly addressing himself to the
count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his Saviour,
he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child: but was
fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the
honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates
of nature in their presence.
When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian,
Pallet was forgiven in very polite terms, and even received
into favour by his friend the doctor, in consequence of our
hero's intercession: so that all the guests forgot their
chagrin, and paid their respects so piously to the bottle,
that in a short time the Champagne produced very evident
effects in the behaviour of all present.
CHAPTER XLV.
The Painter is persuaded to accompany Pickle to a Masquerade
in Woman's Apparel—-Is engaged in a troublesome Adventure,
and, with his Companion, conveyed to the Bastille.
The painter, at the request of Pickle, who had a design
upon the count's sense of hearing, favoured the company with
the song of Bumper Squire Jones, which yielded infinite
satisfaction to the baron, but affected the delicate ears of
the Italian in such a manner, that his features expressed
astonishment and disquiet; and by his sudden and repeated
journeys to the door, it plainly appeared, that he was in
the same predicament with those who, as Shakespeare
observes, "when the bagpipe sings in the nose, cannot
contain their urine for affection."
With a view, therefore, of vindicating music from such a
barbarous taste. Mr. Pallet had no sooner performed his
task, than the count honoured his friends with some
favourite airs of his own country, which he warbled with
infinite grace and expression, though he had not energy
sufficient to engage the attention of the German, who fell
fast asleep upon his couch, and snored so loud, as to
interrupt, and totally annul, this ravishing entertainment;
so that they were fain to have recourse again to the glass,
which made such innovation upon the brain of the physician,
that he sang divers odes of Anacreon to a tune of his own
composing, and held forth upon the music and recitative of
the ancients with great erudition; while Pallet, having
found means to make the Italian acquainted with the nature
of his profession, harangued upon painting with wonderful
volubility, in a language which (it was well for his own
credit) the stranger did not understand.
At length the doctor was seized with such a qualm, that
he begged Peregrine to lead him to his chamber; and the
baron, being waked, retired with the count. Peregrine, being
rendered frolicsome with the wine he had drunk, proposed
that he and Pallet should go to a masquerade, which he
recollected was to be given that night. The painter did not
want curiosity and inclination to accompany him, but
expressed his apprehension of losing him in the ball; an
accident which could not fail to be very disagreeable, as he
was an utter stranger to the language and the town. To
obviate this objection, the landlady, who was of their
council, advised him to appear in a woman's dress, which
would lay his companion under the necessity of attending him
with more care, as he could not with decency detach himself
from the lady whom he should introduce; besides, such a
connection would hinder the ladies of pleasure from
accosting and employing their seducing arts upon a person
already engaged.
Our young gentleman foreseeing the abundance of diversion
in the execution of this project, seconded the proposal with
such importunity and address, that the painter allowed
himself to be habited in a suit belonging to the landlady,
who also procured for him a mask and domino, while Pickle
provided himself with a Spanish dress. In this disguise,
which they put on about eleven o'clock, did they, attended
by Pipes, set out in a fiacre for the ball-room, into which
Pickle led this supposititious female, to the astonishment
of the whole company, who had never seen such an uncouth
figure in the appearance of a woman.
After they had taken a view of all the remarkable masks,
and the painter had been treated with a of glass of liqueur,
his mischievous companion gave him the slip; and, vanishing
in an instant, returned with another mask and a domino over
his habit, that he might enjoy Pallet's perplexity, and be
at hand to protect him from insult. The poor painter, having
lost his guide, was almost distracted with anxiety, and
stalked about the room, in quest of him, with such huge
strides and oddity of gesture, that he was followed by a
whole multitude, who gazed at him as a preternatural
phenomenon. This attendance increased his uneasiness to such
a degree, that he could not help uttering a soliloquy aloud,
in which he cursed his fate for having depended upon the
promise of such a wag; and swore, that if once he was clear
of this scrape, he would not bring himself into such a
premunire again for the whole kingdom of France.
Divers petit-maitres, understanding the mask was a
foreigner, who in all probability could not speak French,
made up to him in their turns, in order to display their wit
and address, and teased him with several arch questions, to
which he made no other reply than "No parly Francy. D— your
chattering! Go about your business, can't ye." Among the
masks was a nobleman, who began to be very free with the
supposed lady, and attempted to plunge his hand into her
bosom: hut the painter was too modest to suffer such
indecent treatment; and when the gallant repeated his
efforts in a manner still more indelicate, lent him such a
box on the ear, as made the lights dance before him, and
created such a suspicion of Pallet's sex, that the Frenchman
swore he was either a male or a hermaphrodite, and insisted
upon a scrutiny, for the sake of his own honour, with such
obstinacy of resentment, that the nymph was in imminent
danger, not only of being exposed, but also undergoing
severe chastisement, for having made so free with the
prince's ear; when Peregrine, who saw and overheard
everything that passed, thought it was high time to
interpose; and accordingly asserted his pretensions to the
insulted lady, who was overjoyed at this proof of his
protection.
The affronted gallant persevered in demanding to know who
she was, and our hero as strenuously refused to give him
that satisfaction: so that high words ensued; and the prince
threatening to punish his insolence, the young gentleman,
who was not supposed to know his quality, pointed to the
place where his own sword used to hang, and, snapping his
fingers in his face, laid hold on the painter's arm, and led
him to another part of the room, leaving his antagonist to
the meditations of his own revenge.
Pallet, having chid his conductor for his barbarous
desertion, made him acquainted with the difficulty in which
he had been involved; and flatly telling him he would not
put it in his power to give him the slip again, held fast by
his arm during the remaining part of the entertainment, to
the no small diversion of the company, whose attention was
altogether engrossed in the contemplation of such an
awkward, ungainly, stalking apparition. At last Pickle,
being tired of exhibiting this raree-show, complied with the
repeated desires of his companion, and handed her into the
coach; which he himself had no sooner entered, than they
were surrounded by a file of musqueteers, commanded by an
exempt, who, ordering the coach-door to be opened, took his
place with great deliberation, while one of his detachment
mounted the box, in order to direct the driver.
Peregrine at once conceived the meaning of this arrest,
and it was well for him that he had no weapon wherewith to
stand upon his defence; for such was the impetuosity and
rashness of his temper, that, had he been armed, he would
have run all risks rather than surrender himself to any odds
whatever; but Pallet, imagining that the officer was some
gentleman who had mistaken their carriage for his own,
desired his friend to undeceive the stranger; and when he
was informed of the real state of their condition, his knees
began to shake, his teeth to chatter, and he uttered a most
doleful lamentation, importing his fear of being carried to
some hideous dungeon of the Bastille, where he should spend
the rest of his days in misery and horror, and never see the
light of God's sun, nor the face of a friend; but perish in
a foreign land, far removed from his family and connexions.
Pickle d—d him for his pusillanimity; and the exempt hearing
a lady bemoan herself so piteously, expressed his
mortification at being the instrument of giving her such
pain, and endeavoured to console them by representing the
lenity of the French government, and the singular generosity
of the prince, by whose order they were apprehended.
Peregrine, whose discretion seemed to forsake him on all
such occasions, exclaimed, with great bitterness, against
the arbitrary administration of France, and inveighed, with
many expressions of contempt, against the character of the
offended prince, whose resentment, far from being noble, he
mid, was pitiful, ungenerous, and unjust. To this
remonstrance the officer made no reply, but shrugged up his
shoulders in silent astonishment at the hardiesse of the
prisoner; and the fiacre was just on the point of setting
out, when they heard the noise of a scuffle at the back of
the coach, and the voice of Tom Pipes pronouncing, "I'll be
d—d if I do." This trusty attendant had been desired by one
of the guards to descend from his station in the rear; but
as he resolved to share his master's fate, he took no notice
of their entreaties, until they were seconded by force; and
that he endeavoured to repeal with his heel, which he
applied with such energy to the jaws of the soldier, who
first came in contact with him, that they emitted a crashing
sound like a dried walnut between the grinders of a Templar
in the pit. Exasperated at this outrage, the other saluted
Tom's posteriors with his bayonet, which incommoded him so
much that he could no longer keep his post, but, leaping
upon the ground, gave his antagonist a chuck under the chin,
and laid him upon his back, then skipping over him with
infinite agility, absconded among the crowd of coaches, till
he saw the guard mount before and behind upon his master's
fiacre, which no sooner set forward, than he followed at a
small distance, to reconnoitre the place where Peregrine
should be confined. After having proceeded slowly through
many windings and turnings to a part of Paris, in which
Pipes was an utter stranger, the coach stopped at a great
gate, with a wicket in the middle, which, being opened at
the approach of the carriage, the prisoners were admitted;
and, the guard returning with the fiacre, Tom determined to
watch in that place all night, that, in the morning, he
might make such observations as might be conducive to the
enlargement of his master.
CHAPTER XLVI.
By the Fidelity of Pipes, Jolter is informed of his Pupil's
fate—Confers with the Physician—Applies to the Ambassador,
who, with great difficulty, obtains the Discharge of the
Prisoners on certain Conditions.
This plan he executed, notwithstanding the pain of his
wound, and the questions of the city-guard, both horse and
foot, to which he could make no other answer than "Anglais,
anglais;" and as soon as it was light, taking an accurate
survey of the castle (for such it seemed to be) into which
Peregrine and Pallet had been conveyed, together with its
situation in respect to the river, he went home to the
lodgings, and, waking Mr. Jolter, gave him an account of the
adventure. The governor wrung his hands in the utmost grief
and consternation when he heard this unfortunate piece of
news: he did not doubt that his pupil was imprisoned in the
Bastille for life; and, in the anguish of his apprehension,
cursed the day on which he had undertaken to superintend the
conduct of such an imprudent young man, who had, by
reiterated insults, provoked the vengeance of such a mild,
forbearing administration. That he might not, however,
neglect any means in his power to extricate him from his
present misfortune, he despatched Thomas to the doctor, with
an account of his companion's fate, that they might join
their interest in behalf of the captives; and the physician,
being informed of what had happened, immediately dressed
himself, and repaired to Jolter, whom he accosted in these
words:—
"Now, sir, I hope you are convinced of your error in
asserting that oppression can never be the effect of
arbitrary power. Such a calamity as this could never have
happened under the Athenian democracy: nay, even when the
tyrant Pisistratus got possession of that commonwealth, he
durst not venture to rule with such absolute and unjust
dominion. You shall see now that Mr. Pickle and my friend
Pallet will fall a sacrifice to the tyranny of lawless
power; and, in my opinion, we shall be accessory to the ruin
of this poor enslaved people if we bestir ourselves in
demanding or imploring the release of our unhappy
countrymen; as we may thereby prevent the commission of a
flagrant crime, which would fill up the vengeance of Heaven
against the perpetrators, and perhaps be the means of
restoring the whole nation to the unspeakable fruition of
freedom. For my own part, I should rejoice to see the blood
of my father spilt in such a glorious cause, provided such a
victim would furnish me with the opportunity of dissolving
the chains of slavery, and vindicating that liberty which is
the birthright of man. Then would my name be immortalised
among the patriot heroes of antiquity, and my memory, like
that of Harmodius and Aristogiton, be honoured by statues
erected at the public expense."
This rhapsody, which was delivered with great emphasis
and agitation, gave so much offence to Jolter, that, without
saying one word, he retired in great wrath to his own
chamber; and the republican returned to his lodging, in full
hope of his prognostic being verified in the death and
destruction of Peregrine and the painter, which must give
rise to some renowned revolution, wherein he himself would
act a principal part. But the governor whose imagination was
not quite so warm and prolific, went directly to the
ambassador, whom he informed of his pupil's situation, and
besought to interpose with the French ministry, that he and
the other British subject might obtain their liberty.
His excellency asked, if Jolter could guess at the cause
of his imprisonment, that he might be the better prepared to
vindicate or excuse his conduct: but neither he nor Pipes
could give the smallest hint of intelligence on that
subject; though he furnished himself from Tom's own mouth
with a circumstantial account of the manner in which his
master had been arrested, as well as of his own behaviour,
and the disaster he had received on that occasion. His
lordship never doubted that Pickle had brought this calamity
upon himself by some unlucky prank he had played at the
masquerade; when he understood that the young gentleman had
drunk freely in the afternoon, and been so whimsical as to
go thither with a man in woman's apparel; and he that same
day waited on the French minister, in full confidence of
obtaining his discharge; but met with more difficulty than
he expected, the court of France being extremely punctilious
in everything that concerns a prince of the blood: the
ambassador was therefore obliged to talk in very high terms;
and, though the present circumstances of the French politics
would not allow them to fall out with the British
administration for trifles, all the favour he could procure
was to promise that Pickle should L set at liberty, provided
he would ask pardon of the prince to whom he had given
offence.
His excellency thought this was but a reasonable
condescension, supposing Peregrine to have been in the
wrong; and Jolter was admitted to him in order to
communicate and reinforce his lordship's advice, which was,
that he comply with the terms proposed. The governor, who
did not enter this gloomy fortress without fear and
trembling, found his pupil in a dismal apartment, void of
all furniture but a stool and a truckle-bed. The moment he
was admitted, he perceived the youth whistling with great
unconcern, and working with his pencil at the bare wall, on
which he had delineated a ludicrous figure labelled with the
name of the nobleman, whom he had affronted, and an English
mastiff with his leg lifted up, in the attitude of making
water in his shoe. He had been even so presumptuous as to
explain the device with satirical inscriptions in the French
language, which, when Jolter perused, his hair stood on end
with affright. The very turnkey was confounded and overawed
by the boldness of his behaviour, which he had never seen
matched by any inhabitant of that place; and actually joined
his friend in persuading him to submit to the easy demand of
the minister. But our hero, far from embracing the counsel
of this advocate, handed him to the door with great
ceremony, and dismissed him with a kick on the breeches;
and, to all the supplications, and even tears of Jolter,
made no other reply than that he would stoop to no
condescension, because he had committed no crime, but would
leave his case to the cognisance and exertion of the British
court, whose duty it was to see justice done to its own
subjects: he desired, however, that Pallet, who was confined
in another place, might avail himself of his own
disposition, which was sufficiently pliable; but when the
governor desired to see his fellow-prisoner, the turnkey
gave him to understand that he had received no orders
relating to the lady, and therefore could not admit him into
her apartment; though he was complaisant enough to tell him
that she seemed very much mortified at her confinement, and
at certain times behaved as if her brain was not a little
disordered.
Jolter, thus baffled in all his endeavours, quitted the
Bastille with a heavy heart, and reported his fruitless
negotiation to the ambassador, who could not help breaking
forth into some acrimonious expressions against the
obstinacy and insolence of the young man, who, he said,
deserved to suffer for his folly. Nevertheless, he did not
desist from his representations to the French ministry,
which he found so unyielding, that he was obliged to
threaten, in plain terms, to make it a national concern; and
not only wrote to his court for instructions, but even
advised the council to make reprisals, and send some French
gentleman in London to the Tower.
This intimation had an effect upon the ministry at
Versailles, who, rather than run the risk of incensing a
people whom it was neither their interest nor inclination to
disoblige, consented to discharge the offenders, on
condition that they should leave Paris in three days after
their enlargement. This proposal was readily agreed to by
Peregrine, who was now a little more tractable, and heartily
tired of being cooped up in such an uncomfortable abode, for
the space of three long days, without any sort of
communication or entertainment but that which his own
imagination suggested.
CHAPTER XLVII.
Peregrine makes himself Merry at the Expense of the Painter,
who curses his Landlady, and breaks with the Doctor.
As he could easily conceive the situation of his
companion in adversity, he was unwilling to leave the place
until he had reaped some diversion from his distress, and
with that view repaired to the dungeon of the afflicted
painter, to which he had by this time free access. When he
entered, the first object that presented itself to his eye
was so uncommonly ridiculous, that he could scarce preserve
that gravity of countenance which he had affected in order
to execute the joke he had planned. The forlorn Pallet sat
upright in his bed in a deshabille that was altogether
extraordinary. He had laid aside his monstrous hoop,
together with his stays, gown, and petticoat, wrapped his
lappets about his head by way of nightcap, and wore his
domino as a loose morning-dress; his grizzled locks hung
down about his lack-lustre eyes and tawny neck, in all the
disorder of negligence; his gray beard bristled about
half-an-inch through the remains of the paint with which his
visage had been bedaubed, and every feature of his face was
lengthened to the most ridiculous expression of grief and
dismay.
Seeing Peregrine come in, he started up in a sort of
frantic ecstasy, and, running towards him with open arms, no
sooner perceived the woeful appearance into which our hero
had modelled his physiognomy, than he stopped short all of a
sudden, and the joy which had begun to take possession of
his heart was in a moment dispelled by the most rueful
presages; so that he stood in a most ludicrous posture of
dejection, like a malefactor at the Old Bailey, when
sentence is about to be pronounced. Pickle, taking him by
the hand, heaved a profound sigh; and after having protested
that he was extremely mortified at being pitched upon as the
messenger of bad news, told him, with an air of sympathy and
infinite concern, that the French court, having discovered
his sex, had resolved, in consideration of the outrageous
indignity he offered in public to a prince of the blood, to
detain him in the Bastille a prisoner for life; and that
this sentence was a mitigation obtained by the importunities
of the British ambassador, the punishment ordained by law
being no other than breaking alive upon the wheel.
These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to
such a degree that he roared aloud, and skipped about the
room in all the extravagance of distraction, taking God and
man to witness, that he would rather suffer immediate death
than endure one year's imprisonment in such a hideous place;
and cursing the hour of his birth, and the moment on which
he departed from his own country. "For my own part," said
his tormentor, in a hypocritical tone, "I was obliged to
swallow the bitter pill of making submission to the prince,
who, as I had not presumed to strike him, received
acknowledgments, in consequence of which I shall be this day
set at liberty; and there is even one expedient left for the
recovery of your freedom—it is, I own, a disagreeable
remedy, but one had better undergo a little mortification
than be for ever wretched. Besides, upon second thoughts, I
begin to imagine that you will not for such a trifle
sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors of a dungeon;
especially as your condescension will in all probability be
attended with advantages which you could not otherwise
enjoy." Pallet, interrupting him with great eagerness,
begged for the love of God that he would no longer keep him
in the torture of suspense, but mention that same remedy,
which he was resolved to follow, let it be ever so
unpalatable.
Peregrine, having thus played upon his passions of fear
and hope, answered, "that as the offence was committed in
the habit of a woman, which was a disguise unworthy of the
other sex, the French court was of opinion that the
delinquent should be reduced to the neuter gender; so that
there was no alternative at his own option, by which he had
it in his power to regain immediate freedom."—"What!" cried
the painter, in despair, "become a singer? Gadzooks! and the
devil and all that! I'll rather be still where I am, and let
myself be devoured by vermin." Then thrusting out his
throat—"Here is my windpipe," said he; "be so good, my dear
friend, as to give it a slice or two: if you don't, I shall
one of these days be found dangling in my garters. What an
unfortunate rascal I am! What a blockhead, and a beast, and
a fool, was I to trust myself among such a barbarous ruffian
race! Lord forgive you, Mr. Pickle, for having been the
immediate cause of my disaster. If you had stood by me from
the beginning, according to your promise, I should not have
been teased by that coxcomb who has brought me to this pass.
And why did I put on this d—d unlucky dress? Lord curse that
chattering Jezebel of a landlady, who advised such a
preposterous disguise!—a disguise which has not only brought
me to this pass, but also rendered me abominable to myself,
and frightful to others; for when I this morning signified
to the turnkey that I wanted to be shaved, he looked at my
beard with astonishment, and, crossing himself, muttered his
Pater Noster, believing me, I suppose, to be a witch, or
something worse. And Heaven confound that loathsome banquet
of the ancients, which provoked me to drink too freely, that
I might wash away the taste of that accursed sillikicaby."
Our young gentleman, having heard this lamentation to an
end, excused himself for his conduct by representing that he
could not possibly foresee the disagreeable consequences
that attended it; and in the mean time strenuously
counselled him to submit to the terms of his enlargement. He
observed that he was now arrived at that time of life when
the lusts of the flesh should be entirely mortified within
him, and his greatest concern ought to be the of his soul,
to which nothing could more effectually contribute than the
amputation which was proposed; that his body, as well as his
mind, would profit by the change; because he would have no
dangerous appetite to gratify, and no carnal thoughts to
divert him from the duties of his profession; and his voice,
which was naturally sweet, would improve to such a degree,
that he would captivate the ears of all the people of
fashion and taste, and in a little time be celebrated under
the appellation of the English Senesino.
These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the
painter, who nevertheless started two objections to his
compliance; namely, the disgrace of the punishment, and the
dread of his wife. Pickle undertook to obviate these
difficulties, by assuring him that the sentence would be
executed so privately as never to transpire: and that his
wife could not be so unconscionable, after so many years of
cohabitation, as to take exceptions to an expedient by which
she would not only enjoy the conversation of her husband,
but even the fruits of those talents which the knife would
so remarkably refine.
Pallet shook his hand at this last remonstrance, as if he
thought it would not be altogether convincing to his spouse,
but yielded to the proposal, provided her consent could be
obtained. Just as he signified this condescension, the
jailer entered, and addressing himself to the supposed lady,
expressed his satisfaction in having the honour to tell her
that she was no longer a prisoner. As the painter did not
understand one word of what he said, Peregrine undertook the
office of interpreter, and made his friend believe the
jailer's speech was no other than an intimation that the
ministry had sent a surgeon to execute what was proposed,
and that the instruments and dressings were prepared in the
next room. Alarmed and terrified at this sudden appointment,
he flew to the other end of the room, and, snatching up an
earthen chamber-pot, which was the only offensive weapon in
the place, put himself in a posture of defence, and with
many oaths threatened to try the temper of the barber's
skull, if he should presume to set his nose within the
apartment.
The jailer, who little expected such a reception,
concluded that the poor gentlewoman had actually lost her
wits, and retreated with precipitation, leaving the door
open as he went out; upon which Pickle, gathering up the
particulars of his dress with great despatch, crammed them
into Pallet's arms, and taking notice that now the coast was
clear, exhorted him to follow his footsteps to the gate,
where a hackney-coach stood for his reception. There being
no time for hesitation, the painter took his advice; and,
without quitting the utensil, which in his hurry he forgot
to lay down, sallied out in the rear of our hero, with all
the wildness of terror and impatience which may be
reasonably supposed to take possession of a man who flies
from perpetual imprisonment. Such was the tumult of his
agitation, that his faculty of thinking was for the present
utterly overwhelmed, and he saw no object but his conductor,
whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse, without
regarding the keepers and sentinels, who, as he passed with
his clothes under one arm, and his chamber-pot brandished
above his head, were confounded, and even dismayed, at the
strange apparition.
During the whole course of this irruption, he ceased nor
to cry, with great vociferation, "Drive, coachman, drive, in
the name of God!" and the carriage had proceeded the length
of a whole street before he manifested the least sign of
reflection, but stared like the Gorgon's head, with his
mouth wide open, and each particular hair crawling and
twining like an animated serpent. At length, however, he
began to recover the use of his senses, and asked if
Peregrine thought him now out of all danger of being
retaken. This unrelenting wag, not yet satisfied with the
affliction he imposed upon the sufferer, answered, with an
air of doubt and concern, that he hoped they would not be
overtaken, and prayed to God they might not be retarded by a
stop of carriages. Pallet fervently joined in this
supplication; and they advanced a few yards farther, when
the noise of a coach at full speed behind them invaded their
ears; and Pickle, having looked out of the window, withdrew
his head in seeming confusion, and exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy upon us! I wish that may not be a guard sent after us.
Methinks I saw the muzzle of a fusil sticking out of the
coach." The painter, hearing these tidings, that instant
thrust himself half out at the window, with his helmet still
in his hand, bellowing to the coachman, as loud as he could
roar, "Drive, d— ye, dive to the gates of Jericho and the
ends of the earth! Drive, you ragamuffin, you rascallion,
you hell-hound! Drive us to the pit Of hell, rather than we
should be taken!"
Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the
curiosity of the people, who ran to their doors and windows,
in order to behold this object of admiration. With the same
view, that coach, which was supposed to be in pursuit of
him, stopped just as the windows of each happened to be
opposite; and Pallet, looking behind, and seeing three men
standing upon the footboard armed with canes, which his fear
converted into fusils, never doubted that his friend's
suspicion was just, but, shaking his Jordan at the imaginary
guard, swore he would sooner die than part with his precious
ware. The owner of the coach, who was a nobleman of the
first quality, mistook him for some unhappy woman deprived
of her senses: and, ordering his coachman to proceed,
convinced the fugitive, to his infinite joy, that this was
no more than a false alarm. He was not, for all that, freed
from anxiety and trepidation; but our young gentleman,
fearing his brain would not bear a repetition of the same
joke, permitted him to gain his own lodgings without further
molestation.
His landlady, meeting him on the stair, was so affected
at his appearance, that she screamed aloud, and betook
herself to flight; while he, cursing her with greet
bitterness, rushed into the apartment to the doctor, who,
instead of receiving him with cordial embraces, and
congratulating him upon his deliverance, gave evident signs
of umbrage and discontent; and even plainly told him, he
hoped to have heard that he and Mr. Pickle had acted the
glorious part of Cato; an event which would have laid the
foundation of such noble struggles, as could not fail to end
in happiness and freedom; and that he had already made some
progress in an ode that would have immortalised their names,
and inspired the flame of liberty in every honest breast.
"There," said he, "I would have proved, that great talents,
and high sentiments of liberty, do reciprocally produce and
assist each other; and illustrated my assertions with such
notes and quotations from the Greek writers, as would have
opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking, and
touched the most callous and obdurate heart. 'O fool! to
think the man, whose ample mind must grasp whatever yonder
stars survey'—Pray, Mr. Pellet, what is your opinion of that
image of the mind's grasping the whole universe? For my own
part, I can't help thinking it the most happy conception
that ever entered my imagination."
The painter, who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the
cause of liberty, could not brook the doctor's reflections,
which he thought savoured a little too much of indifference
and deficiency in point of private friendship; and therefore
seized the present opportunity of mortifying his pride, by
observing, that the image was, without all doubt, very grand
and magnificent; but that he had been obliged for the idea
to Mr. Bayes in "The Rehearsal," who values himself upon the
same figure, conveyed in these words, "But all these clouds,
when by the eye of reason grasp'd, etc." Upon any other
occasion, the painter would have triumphed greatly upon this
detection; but such was the flutter and confusion of his
spirits, under the apprehension of being retaken, that,
without further communication, he retreated to his own room,
in order to resume his own dress, which he hoped would alter
his appearance in such a manner as to baffle all search and
examination; while the physician remained ashamed and
abashed, to find himself convinced of bombast by a person of
such contemptible talents. He was offended at this proof of
his memory, and so much enraged at his presumption in
exhibiting it, that he could never forgive his want of
reverence, and took every opportunity of exposing his
ignorance and folly in the sequel. Indeed, the ties of
private affection were too weak to engage the heart of this
republican, whose zeal for the community had entirely
swallowed up his concern for individuals. He looked upon
particular friendship as a passion unworthy of his ample
soul, and was a professed admirer of L. Manlius, Junius
Brutus, and those later patriots of the same name, who shut
their ears against the cries of nature, and resisted all the
dictates of gratitude and humanity.
CHAPTER XLVIII.
Pallet conceives a hearty Contempt for his Fellow-traveller,
and attaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless,
persecutes him with his mischievous Talent upon the Road to
Flanders.
In the mean time, his companion, having employed divers
pailfuls of water in cleansing himself from the squalor of
jail, submitted his face to the barber, tinged his eye-brows
with a sable hue, and, being dressed in his own clothes,
ventured to visit Peregrine, who was still under the hands
of his valet-de-chambre, and who gave him to understand that
his escape had been connived at, and that the condition of
their deliverance was their departure from Paris in three
days.
The painter was transported with joy, when he learned
that he ran no risk of being retaken, and, far from repining
at the terms of his enlargement, would have willingly set
out on his return to England that same afternoon; for the
Bastille had made such an impression upon him, that he
started at the sound of every coach, and turned pale at the
sight of a French soldier. In the fulness of his heart, he
complained of the doctor's indifference, and related what
had passed at their meeting with evident marks of resentment
and disrespect; which were not at all diminished, when
Jolter informed him of the physician's behaviour when he
sent for him, to confer about the means of abridging their
confinement. Pickle himself was incensed at his want of
bowels; and, perceiving how much he had sank in the opinion
of his fellow-traveller, resolved to encourage these
sentiments of disgust, and occasionally foment the division
to a downright quarrel, which he foresaw would produce some
diversion, and perhaps expose the poet's character in such a
light, as would effectually punish him for his arrogance and
barbarity. With this view, he leveled several satirical
jokes at the doctor's pedantry and want of taste, which had
appeared so conspicuous in the quotation he had got by
heart, from ancient authors; in his affected disdain of the
best pictures of the world, which, had he been endowed with
the least share of discernment, he could not have beheld
with such insensibility; and, lastly, in his ridiculous
banquet, which none but an egregious coxcomb, devoid of all
elegance and sense, would have prepared, or presented to
rational beings. In a word, our young gentleman played the
artillery of his wit against him with such success, that the
painter seemed to wake from a dream, and went home with the
most hearty contempt for the person he had formerly adored.
Instead of using the privilege of a friend, to enter his
apartment without ceremony, he sent in his servant with a
message, importing, that he intended to set out from Paris
the next day, in company with Mr. Pickle; and desiring to
know whether or not he was, or would be, prepared for the
journey. The doctor, struck with the manner as well as the
matter of this intimation, went immediately to Pallet's room
and demanded to know the cause of such a sudden
determination without his privity or concurrence; and when
he understood the necessity of their affairs, rather than
travel by himself, he ordered his baggage to be packed up,
and signified his readiness to conform to the emergency of
the case; though he was not at all pleased with the cavalier
behaviour of Pallet, to whom he threw out some hints on his
own importance, and the immensity of his condescension in
favouring him with such marks of regard. But by this time
these insinuations had lost their effect upon the painter
who told him, with an arch sneer, that he did not at all
question his learning and abilities, and particularly his
skill in cookery, which he should never forget while his
palate retained its function; but nevertheless advised him,
for the sake of the degenerate eaters of these days, to
spare a little of his sal ammoniac in the next sillykicaby
he should prepare; and abate somewhat of the devil's dung,
which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted fowls,
unless he had a mind to convert his guests into patients,
with a view of licking himself whole for the expense of the
entertainment.
The physician, nettled at these sarcasms, eyed him with a
look of indignation and disdain; and, being, unwilling to
express himself in English, lest, in the course of the
altercation, Pallet should be so much irritated as to depart
without him, he vented his anger in Greek. The painter,
though by the sound he supposed this quotation to be Greek,
complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the Welsh
language, and found means to rally him quite out of temper;
so that he retired to his own chamber in the utmost wrath
and mortification, and left his antagonist exulting over the
victory he had won.
While these things passed between these originals,
Peregrine waited upon the ambassador, whom he thanked for
his kind interposition, acknowledging the indiscretion of
his own conduct with such appearance of conviction and
promises of reformation, that his excellency freely forgave
him for all the trouble he had been put to on his account,
fortified him with sensible advices and, assuring him of his
continual favour and friendship, gave him at parting,
letters of introduction to several persons of quality
belonging to the British court.
Thus distinguished, our young gentleman took leave of all
his French acquaintance, and spent the evening with some of
those who had enjoyed the greatest share of his intimacy and
confidence; while Jolter superintended his domestic
concerns, and with infinite joy bespoke a post-chaise and
horse, in order to convey him from a place where he lived in
continual apprehension of suffering by the dangerous
disposition of his pupil. Everything being adjusted
according to their plan, they and their fellow-travellers
next day dined together, and about four in the afternoon
took their departure in two chaises, escorted by the
valet-de-chambre, Pipes, and the doctor's lacquey on
horseback, well furnished with arms and ammunition, in case
of being attacked by robbers on the road.
It was about eleven o'clock at night when they arrived at
Senlis, which was the place at which they proposed to lodge,
and where they were obliged to knock up the people of the
inn, before they could have their supper prepared. All the
provision in the house was but barely sufficient to furnish
one indifferent meal: however, the painter consoled himself
for the quantity with the quality of the dishes, one of
which was a fricassee of rabbit, a preparation that he
valued above all the dainties that ever smoked upon the
table of the sumptuous Heliogabalus.
He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect, than
our hero, who almost incessantly laying traps for diversion
at his neighbour's expense, laid hold on the declaration;
and, recollecting the story of Scipio and the muleteer in
Gil Blas, resolved to perpetrate a joke upon the stomach of
Pallet, which seemed well disposed to a hearty supper. He,
accordingly, digested his plan; and the company being seated
at table, affected to stare with peculiar eagerness at the
painter, who had helped himself to a large portion of the
fricassee, and began to swallow it with infinite relish.
Pallet, notwithstanding the keenness of his appetite, could
not help taking notice of Pickle's demeanour; and, making a
short pause in the exercise of his grinders, "You are
surprised," said he, "to see me make so much despatch; but I
was extremely hungry, and this is one of the best fricassees
I ever tasted: the French are very expert in these dishes,
that I must allow; and, upon my conscience, I would never
desire to eat a more delicate rabbit than this that lies
upon my plate."
Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium, than the
repetition of the word rabbit, with a note of admiration,
and such a significant shake of the head, as effectually
alarmed the other, who instantly suspended the action of his
jaws, and, with the morsel half chewed in his mouth, stared
round him with a certain stolidity of apprehension, which is
easier conceived than described; until his eyes encountered
the countenance of Thomas Pipes, who, being instructed, and
posted opposite to him for the occasion, exhibited an arch
grin, that completed the painter's disorder. Afraid of
swallowing his mouthful, and ashamed to dispose of it any
other way, he sat some time in a most distressed state of
suspense; and being questioned by Mr. Jolter touching his
calamity, made a violent effort of the muscles of his
gullet, which with difficulty performed their office; and
then, with great confusion and concern, asked if Mr. Pickle
suspected the rabbit's identity. The young gentleman,
assuming a mysterious air, pretended ignorance of the
matter, observing that he was apt to suspect all dishes of
that kind, since he had been informed of the tricks which
were commonly played at inns in France, Italy, and Spain;
and recounted three passage in Gil Blas, which we have
hinted it above, saying, he did not pretend to be a
connoisseur in animals, but the legs of the creature which
composed that diet which composed the fricassee, did not, in
his opinion, resemble those of the rabbits he had usually
seen. This observation had an evident effect upon the
features of the painter, who, with certain signs of loathing
and astonishment, exclaimed, "Lord Jesus!" and appealed to
Pipes for the discovery of the truth by asking if he knew
anything of the affair. Tom very gravely replied, "he did
suppose the food was wholesome enough, for he had seen the
skin and feet of a special ram-cat, new flayed, hanging upon
the door of a small pantry adjoining to the kitchen."
Before this sentence was uttered, Pallet's belly seemed
to move in contact with his back-bone, his colour changed,
no part but the whites of his eyes were to be seen, he
dropped his lower jaw, and, fixing his hands in his sides,
retched with such convulsive agonies, as amazed and
disconcerted the whole company: and what augmented his
disorder, was the tenacious retention of the stomach, which
absolutely refused to part with its contents,
notwithstanding all the energy of his abhorrence, which
threw him into a cold sweat, and almost into a swoon.
Pickle, alarmed at his condition, assured him it was a
genuine rabbit, and that he had tutored Pipes to say
otherwise for the joke's sake. But this confession he
considered as a friendly artifice of Pickle's compassion,
and therefore it had little effect upon his constitution. By
the assistance, however, of a large bumper of brandy, his
spirits were recruited, and his recollection so far
recovered, that he was able to declare, with divers
contortions of face, that the dish had a rankness of taste,
which he had imparted partly to the nature of the French
covey, and partly to the composition of their sauces; then
he inveighed against the infamous practices of French
publicans, attributing such imposition to their oppressive
government, which kept them so necessitous, that they were
tempted to exercise all manner of knavery upon their unwary
guests.
Jolter, who could not find in his heart to let slip any
opportunity of speaking in favour of the French, told him,
that he was a very great stranger to their police; else he
would know, that if, upon information to the magistrate, it
should appear that any traveller, native or foreigner, had
been imposed upon or ill-treated by a publican, the offender
would be immediately obliged to shut up his house; and, if
his behaviour had been notorious, he himself would be sent
to the galleys, without the least hesitation: "and as for
the dish which has been made the occasion of your present
disorder," said he, "I will take upon me to affirm it was
prepared of a genuine rabbit, which was skinned in my
presence; and, in confirmation of what I assert, though such
fricassees are not the favourites of my taste, I will eat a
part of this without scruple."
So saying, he swallowed several mouthfuls of the
questioned coney, and Pallet seemed to eye it again with
inclination; nay, he even resumed his knife and fork; and
being just on the point of applying them, was seized with
another qualm of apprehension, that broke out in an
exclamation of, "After all, Mr. Jolter, if it should be a
real ram-cat? Lord have mercy upon me! here is one of the
claws." With these words he presented the tip of a toe, of
which Pipes had snipped off five or six from a duck that was
roasted, and purposely scattered them in the fricassee: and
the governor could not behold this testimonial without
symptoms of uneasiness and remorse; so that he and the
painter sat silenced and abashed, and made faces at each
other, while the physician, who hated them both, exulted
over their affliction, bidding them be of good cheer, and
proceed with their meal; for he was ready to demonstrate,
that the flesh of a cat was as nourishing and delicious as
veal or mutton, provided they could prove that the said cat
was not of the boar kind, and had fed chiefly on vegetable
diet, or even confined its carnivorous appetite to rats and
mice, which he affirmed to be dainties of exquisite taste
and flavour. He said, it was a vulgar mistake to think that
all flesh-devouring creatures were unfit to be eaten:
witness the consumption of swine and ducks, animals that
delight in carriage as well as fish, and prey upon each
other, and feed on bait and carrion; together with the
demand for bear, of which the best hams in the world are
made. He then observed that the negroes on the coast of
Guinea, who are healthy and vigorous people, prefer cats and
dogs to all other fare; and mentioned from history several
sieges, during which the inhabitants, who were blocked up,
lived upon these animals, and had recourse even to human
flesh, which, to his certain knowledge, was in all respects
preferable to pork; for, in the course of his studies, he
had, for the experiment's sake, eaten a steak cut from the
buttock of a person who had been hanged.
This dissertation, far from composing, increased the
disquiet in the stomachs of the governor and painter, who,
hearing the last illustration, turned their eyes upon the
orator, at the same instant, with looks of horror and
disgust; and the one muttering the term "cannibal," and the
other pronouncing the word "abomination," they rose from
table in a great hurry, and running towards another
apartment, jostled with such violence in the passage, that
both were overturned by the shock, which also contributed to
the effect of their nausea that mutually defiled them as
they lay.
CHAPTER XLIX.
Nor is the Physician sacred from his Ridicule—They reach
Arras, where our Adventurer engages in Play with two French
Officers, who, next Morning, give the Landlord an
interesting Proof of their Importance.
The doctor remained sullen and dejected during the whole
journey: not but that he attempted to recover his importance
by haranguing upon the Roman highways, when Mr. Jolter
desired the company to take notice of the fine pavement upon
which they travelled from Paris into Flanders; but Pallet,
who thought he had now gained the ascendency over the
physician, exerted himself in maintaining the superiority he
had acquired, by venting various sarcasms upon his
self-conceit and affectation of learning, and even tittering
puns and conundrums upon the remarks which the republican
retailed. When he talked of the Flaminian Way, the painter
questioned if it was a better pavement than the Fleminian
Way on which they travelled: and the doctor having observed,
that this road was made for the convenience of drawing the
French artillery into Flanders, which was often the seat of
war, his competitor in wit replied, with infinite vivacity,
"There are more great guns than the French king knows of
drawn along this causeway, doctor."
Encouraged by the success of these efforts, which tickled
the imagination of Jolter, and drew smiles (as he imagined)
of approbation from our hero, he sported in many other
equivoques of the same nature; and at dinner, told the
physician, that he was like the root of the tongue, as being
cursedly down in the mouth.
By this time, such was the animosity subsisting between
these quondam friends, that they never conversed together,
except with a view of exposing each other to the ridicule or
contempt of their fellow-travellers. The doctor was at great
pains to point out the folly and ignorance of Pallet in
private to Peregrine, who was often conjured in the same
manner by the painter, to take notice of the physician's
want of manners and taste. Pickle pretended to acquiesce in
the truth of their mutual severity, which, indeed, was
extremely just; and by malicious insinuations blew up their
contention, with a view of bringing it to open hostility.
But both seemed so averse to deeds of mortal purpose, that
for a long time his arts were baffled, and he could not
spirit them up to any pitch of resentment higher than
scurrilous repartee.
Before they reached Arras, the city gates were shut, so
that they were obliged to take up their lodgings at an
indifferent house in the suburbs, where they found a couple
of French officers, who had also rode post from Paris so far
on their way to Lisle. These gentlemen were about the age of
thirty, and their deportment distinguished by such an air of
insolence, as disgusted our hero, who, nevertheless,
accosted them politely in the yard, and proposed that they
should sup together. They thanked him for the honour of his
invitation, which, however, they declined upon pretence of
having ordered something for themselves; but promised to
wait upon him and his company immediately after their
repast.
This they accordingly performed; and, after having drunk
a few glasses of Burgundy, one of them asked, if the young
gentleman would, for pastime, take a hand at quadrille.
Peregrine easily divined the meaning of this proposal, which
was made with no other view than that of fleecing him and
his fellow-travellers; for he well knew to what shifts a
subaltern in the French service is reduced, in order to
maintain the appearance of a gentleman, and had reason to
believe that most of them were sharpers from their youth:
but, as he depended a good deal upon his own penetration and
address, he gratified the stranger's desire; and a party was
instantly formed of the painter, the physician, the
proposer, and himself, the other officer having professed
himself utterly ignorant of the game; in the course of the
play, he took his station at the back of Pickle's chair,
which was opposite to his friend, on pretence of amusing
himself with seeing his manner of conducting the cards. The
youth was not such a novice but that he perceived the design
of this palpable piece of behaviour, which, notwithstanding,
he overlooked for the present, with a view of flattering
their hopes in the beginning, that they might be the more
effectually punished by their disappointment in the end.
The game was scarce begun, when, by the reflection of a
glass, he discerned the officer at his back making signs to
his companion, who, by preconcerted gestures, was perfectly
informed of the contents of Peregrine's hand, and, of
consequence, fortunate in the course of play. Thus they were
allowed to enjoy the fruits of their dexterity, until their
money amounted to some louis; when our young gentleman,
thinking it high time to do himself justice, signified in
very polite terms to the gentleman who stood behind him,
that he could never play with ease and deliberation when he
was overlooked by any bystander, and begged that he would
have the goodness to be seated.
As this was a remonstrance which the stranger could not,
with my show of breeding, resist, he asked pardon, and
retired to the chair of the physician, who frankly told him,
that it was not the fashion of his country for one to submit
his hand to the perusal of a spectator; and when, in
consequence of this rebuff, he wanted to quarter himself
upon the painter, he was refused by a wave of the hand, and
shake of the head, with an exclamation of pardonnez moi;
which was repeated with such emphasis, as discomposed this
effrontery; and he found himself obliged to sit down in a
state of mortification.
The odds being thus removed, fortune proceeded in her
usual channel; and though the Frenchman, deprived of his
ally, endeavoured to practise divers strokes of finesse, the
rest of the company observed him with such vigilance and
caution, as baffled all his attempts, and in a very little
time he was compelled to part with his winning: but, having
engaged in the match with an intention of taking all
advantages, whether fair or unfair, that his superior skill
should give him over the Englishman, the money was not
refunded without a thousand disputes, in the course of which
he essayed to intimidate his antagonist with high words,
which were retorted by our hero with such interest as
convinced him that he had mistaken his man, and persuaded
him to make his retreat in quiet. Indeed, it was not without
cause that they repined at the bad success of their
enterprise; because, in all likelihood, they had nothing to
depend upon for the present but their own industry, and knew
not how to defray their expenses on the road, except by some
acquisition of this kind.
Next morning they rose at daybreak, and resolving to
anticipate their fellow-lodgers, bespoke post-horses as soon
as they could be admitted into the city; so that, when our
company appeared, their beasts were ready in the yard, and
they only waited to discuss the bill, which they had ordered
to be made out. The landlord of the inn presented his carte
with fear and trembling to one of those ferocious cavaliers,
who no sooner cast his eye upon the sum total, than he
discharged a volley of dreadful oaths, and asked if the
king's officers were to be treated in that manner? The poor
publican protested, with great humility, that he had the
utmost respect for his majesty, and everything that belonged
to him; and that, far from consulting his own interest, all
that he desired was, to be barely indemnified for the
expense of their lodging.
This condescension seemed to have no other effect than
that of encouraging their arrogance. They swore his
extortion should be explained to the commandant of the town,
who would, by making him a public example, teach other
innkeepers how to behave towards men of honour; and
threatened with such confidence of indignation, that the
wretched landlord, dreading the consequence of their wrath,
implored pardon in the most abject manner, begging, with
many supplications, that he might have the pleasure of
lodging them at his own charge. This was a favour which he
with great difficulty obtained: they chid him severely for
his imposition; exhorted him to have more regard for his own
conscience, as well as to the convenience of his guests;
and, cautioning him in particular touching his behaviour to
the gentlemen of the army, mounted their horses, and rode
off in great state, leaving him very thankful for having so
successfully appeased the choler of two officers, who wanted
either inclination or ability to pay their bill; for
experience had taught him to be apprehensive of all such
travellers, who commonly lay the landlord under
contribution, by way of atonement for the extravagance of
his demands, even after he has professed his willingness to
entertain them on their own terms.
CHAPTER L.
Peregrine moralizes upon their Behaviour, which is condemned
by the Doctor, and defended by the Governor—They arrive in
safety at Lisle, dine at an Ordinary, visit the Citadel—The
Physician quarrels with a North Briton, who is put in
Arrest.
These honourable adventurers being gone, Peregrine, who
was present during the transaction, informed himself of the
particulars from the mouth of the innkeeper himself, who
took Heaven and the saints to witness, that he should have
been a loser by their custom, even if the bill had been
paid: because he was on his guard against their objections,
and had charged every article at an under price: but such
was the authority of officers in France, that he durst not
dispute the least circumstance of their will; for, had the
case come under the cognizance of the magistrate, he must,
in course, have suffered by the maxims of their government,
which never fail to abet the oppression of the army; and,
besides, run the risk of incurring their future resentment,
which would be sufficient to ruin him from top to bottom.
Our hero boiled with indignation at this instance of
injustice and arbitrary power; and, turning to his governor,
asked, if this too was a proof of the happiness enjoyed by
the French people. Jolter replied, that every human
constitution must, in some things, be imperfect and owned,
that in this kingdom, gentlemen were more countenanced than
the vulgar, because it was to be presumed that their own
sentiments of honour and superior qualifications would
entitle them to this pre-eminence, which had also a
retrospective view to the merit of their ancestors, in
consideration of which they were at first ennobled; but he
affirmed, that the innkeeper had misrepresented the
magistracy, which, in France, never failed to punish
flagrant outrages and abuse, without respect of persons.
The painter approved of the wisdom of the French
government, in bridling the insolence of the mob, by which,
he assured them, he had often suffered in his own person;
having been often bespattered by hackney-coachmen, jostled
by draymen and porters, and reviled in the most opprobrious
terms by the watermen of London, where he had once lost his
bag and a considerable quantity of hair, which had been cut
off by some rascal in his passage through Ludgate, during
the Lord Mayor's procession. On the other hand, the doctor
with great warmth alleged, that those officers ought to
suffer death, or banishment at least, for having plundered
the people in this manner, which was so impudent and
barefaced, as plainly to prove they were certain of escaping
with impunity, and that they were old offenders in the same
degree of delinquency. He said, that the greatest man in
Athens would have been condemned to perpetual exile, and
seen his estate confiscated for public use, had he dared in
such a licentious manner to violate the rights of a
fellow-citizen; and as for the little affronts to which a
man may be subject from the petulance of the multitude, he
looked upon them as glorious indications of liberty, which
ought not to be repressed, and would at any time rejoice to
find himself overthrown in a kennel by the insolence of a
son of freedom, even though the fall should cost him a limb;
adding, by way of illustration, that the greatest pleasure
he ever enjoyed was in seeing a dustman wilfully overturn a
gentleman's coach, in which two ladies were bruised, even to
the danger of their lives. Pallet, shocked at the
extravagance of this declaration, "If that be the case,"
said he, "I wish you may see every bone in your body broke
by the first carman you meet in the streets of London."
This argument being discussed, and the reckoning
discharged without any deduction, although the landlord, in
stating the articles, had an eye to the loss he had
sustained by his own countrymen, they departed from Arras,
and arrived in safety at Lisle, about two o'clock in the
afternoon.
They had scarce taken possession of their lodgings, in a
large hotel in the Grande Place, when the innkeeper gave
them to understand, that he kept an ordinary below, which
was frequented by several English gentlemen who resided in
town, and that dinner was then set upon the table.
Peregrine, who seized all opportunities of observing new
characters, persuaded his company to dine in public; and
they were accordingly conducted to the place, where they
found a mixture of Scotch and Dutch officers, who had come
from Holland to learn their exercises at the academy, and
some gentlemen in the French service, who were upon garrison
duty in the citadel. Among these last was a person about the
age of fifty, of a remarkably genteel air and polite
address, dignified with a Maltese cross, and distinguished
by the particular veneration of all those who knew him. When
he understood that Pickle and his friends were travellers,
he accosted the youth in English, which he spoke tolerably
well; and, as they were strangers, offered to attend them in
the afternoon to all the places worth seeing in Lisle. Our
hero thanked him for his excess of politeness, which, he
said, was peculiar to the French nation; and, struck with
his engaging appearance, industriously courted his
conversation, in the course of which he learned that this
chevalier was a man of good sense and great experience, that
he was perfectly well acquainted with the greatest part of
Europe, had lived some years in England, and was no stranger
to the constitution and genius of that people.
Having dined, and drunk to the healths of the English and
French kings, two fiacres were called, in one of which the
knight, with one of his companions, the governor, and
Peregrine seated themselves, the other being occupied by the
physician, Pallet, and two Scottish officers, who proposed
to accompany them in their circuit. The first place they
visited was the citadel, round the ramparts of which they
walked, under the conduct of the knight, who explained with
great accuracy the intention of every particular
fortification belonging to that seemingly impregnable
fortress; and, when they had satisfied their curiosity, took
coach again, in order to view the arsenal, which stands in
another quarter of the town; but, just as Pickle's carriage
had crossed the promenade, he heard his own name bawled
aloud by the painter; and, ordering the fiacre to stop, saw
Pallet, with one half of his body thrust out at the window
of the other coach, crying, with a terrified look, "Mr.
Pickle, Mr. Pickle, the for the love of God halt, and
prevent bloodshed, else here will be carnage and cutting of
throats." Peregrine, surprised at this exclamation,
immediately alighted, and, advancing to the other vehicle,
found one of their military companions standing upon the
ground, at the farther side of the coach, with his sword
drawn, and fury in his countenance; and the physician, with
a quivering lip, and haggard aspect, struggling with the
other, who had interposed in the quarrel, and detained him
in his place.
Our young gentleman, upon inquiry, found that this
animosity had sprung from a dispute that happened upon the
ramparts, touching the strength of the fortification, which
the doctor, according to custom, undervalued, because it was
a modern work; saying, that by the help of the military
engines used among the ancients, and a few thousands of
pioneers, he would engage to take it in less than ten days
after he should sit down before it. The North Briton, who
was as great a pedant as the physician, having studied
fortification, and made himself master of Caesar's
Commentaries and Polybius, with the observations of Folard,
affirmed, that all the methods of besieging practised by the
ancients would be utterly ineffectual against such a plan as
that of the citadel of Lisle; and began to compare the
vineae, aggeres, arietes, scorpiones, and catapultae of the
Romans, with the trenches, mines, batteries, and mortars
used in the present art of war. The republican, finding
himself attacked upon what he thought his strong side,
summoned all his learning to his aid; and, describing the
famous siege of Plateae, happened to misquote a passage of
Thucydides, in which he was corrected by the other, who,
having been educated for the church, was also a connoisseur
in the Greek language. The doctor, incensed at being
detected in such a blunder in the presence of Pallet, who,
he knew, would promulgate his shame, told the officer, with
great arrogance, that his objection was frivolous, and that
he must not pretend to dispute on these matters with one who
had considered them with the utmost accuracy and care. His
antagonist, piqued at this supercilious insinuation, replied
with great heat, that for aught he knew, the doctor might be
a very expert apothecary, but that in the art of war, and
knowledge of the Greek tongue, he was no other than an
ignorant pretender.
This asseveration produced an answer full of virulence,
including a national reflection upon the soldier's country;
and the contention rose to mutual abuse, when it was
suppressed by the admonitions of the other two, who begged
they would not expose themselves in a strange place, but
behave themselves like fellow-subjects and friends. They
accordingly ceased reviling each other, and the affair was
seemingly forgot; but after they had resumed their places in
the coach, the painter unfortunately asked the meaning of
the word tortise, which he had heard them mention among the
Roman implements of war. This question was answered by the
physician, who described the nature of this expedient so
little to the satisfaction of the officer, that he
contradicted him flatly in the midst of his explanation; a
circumstance which provoked the republican to such a degree,
that, in the temerity of his passion, he uttered the
epithet, "impertinent scoundrel;" which was no sooner
pronounced than the Caledonian made manual application to
his nose, and, leaping out of the coach, stood waiting for
him on the plain; while he, the physician, made feeble
efforts to join him, being easily retained by the other
soldier; and Pallet, dreading the consequence in which he
himself might be involved, bellowed aloud for prevention.
Our hero endeavoured to quiet the commotion by
representing to the Scot that he had already taken
satisfaction for the injury he had received, and telling the
doctor that he had deserved the chastisement which was
inflicted upon him; but the officer, encouraged perhaps by
the confusion of his antagonist, insisted upon his asking
pardon for what he had said; and the doctor, believing
himself under the protection of his friend Pickle, far from
agreeing to such concession, breathed nothing but defiance
and revenge; so that the chevalier, in order to prevent
mischief, put the soldier under arrest, and sent him to his
lodgings, under the care of the other French gentleman and
his own companion; they being also accompanied by Mr.
Jolter, who, having formerly seen all the curiosities of
Lisle, willingly surrendered his place to the physician.
CHAPTER LI.
Pickle engages with a Knight of Malta, in a Conversation
upon the English Stage, which is followed by a Dissertation
on the Theatres of the Ancients, by the Doctor.
The rest of the company proceeded to the arsenal, which
having viewed, together with some remarkable churches, they,
in their return, went to the comedy, and saw the Cid of
Corneille tolerably well represented. In consequence of this
entertainment, the discourse at supper turned upon dramatic
performances; and all the objections of Monsieur Scudery to
the piece they had seen acted, together with the decision of
the French Academy, were canvassed and discussed. The knight
was a man of letters and taste, and particularly well
acquainted with the state of the English stage; so that when
the painter boldly pronounced sentence against the French
manner of acting, on the strength of having frequented a
Covent Garden club of critics, and been often admitted, by
virtue of an order, into the pit; a comparison immediately
ensued, not between the authors, but the actors of both
nations, to whom the chevalier and Peregrine were no
strangers. Our hero, like a good Englishman, made no scruple
of giving the preference to the performers of his own
country, who, he alleged, obeyed the genuine impulses of
nature, in exhibiting the passions of the human mind; and
entered so warmly into the spirit of their several parts,
that they often fancied themselves the very heroes they
represented; whereas, the action of the Parisian players,
even in their most interesting characters, was generally
such an extravagance in voice and gesture, as is nowhere to
be observed but on the stage. To illustrate this assertion,
he availed himself of his talent, and mimicked the manner
and voice of all the principal performers, male and female,
belonging to the French comedy, to the admiration of the
chevalier, who, having complimented him upon this surprising
modulation, begged leave to dissent in some particulars from
the opinion he had avowed.
"That you have good actors in England," said he, "it
would be unjust and absurd in me to deny; your theatre is
adorned by one woman, whose sensibility and sweetness of
voice is such as I have never observed on any other stage;
she has besides, an elegance of person and expression of
features, that wonderfully adapt her for the most engaging
characters of your best plays; and I must freely own that I
have been as highly delighted and as deeply affected by a
Monimia and Belvidera at London, as ever I was by Cornelia
and Cleopatra at Paris. Your favourite actor is a surprising
genius. You can, moreover, boast of several comic actors who
are perfect masters of buffoonery and grimace; though, to be
free with you, I think in these qualifications you are
excelled by the players of Amsterdam. Yet one of your
graciosos I cannot admire, in all the characters he assumes.
His utterance is a continual sing-song, like the chanting of
vespers; and his action resembles that of heaving ballast
into the hold of a ship. In his outward deportment he seems
to have confounded the ideas of insolence and the dignity of
mien; acts the crafty cool, designing Crookback, as a loud,
shallow, blustering Hector; in the character of the mild
patriot Brutus, loses all temper and decorum; nay, so
ridiculous is the behaviour of him and Cassius at their
interview, that, setting foot to foot, and grinning at each
other, with the aspect of two cobblers engaged, they thrust
their left sides together, with repeated shoots, that the
hilts of their swords may clash for the entertainment of the
audience; as if they were a couple of merry andrews,
endeavouring to raise the laugh of the vulgar, on some
scaffold of Bartholomew Fair. The despair of a great man,
who falls a victim to the infernal practices of a subtle
traitor who enjoyed his confidence, this English Aesopus
represents, by beating his own forehead, and beating like a
bull; and, indeed, in almost all his most interesting
scenes, performs such strange shakings of the head, and
other antic gesticulations, that when I first saw him act, I
imagined the poor man laboured under the paralytical
disorder, which is known by the name of St. Vitus's dance.
In short, he seems to be a stranger to the more refined
sensations of the soul, consequently his expression is of
the vulgar kind, and he must often sink under the idea of
the poet; so that he has recourse to such violence of
affected agitation, as imposes upon the undiscerning
spectator; but to the eye of taste, evinces him a mere
player of that class whom your admired Shakespeare justly
compares to Nature's journeyman tearing a passion to rags.
Yet this man, in spite of all these absurdities, is an
admirable Falstaff, exhibits the character of the eighth
Henry to the life, is reasonably applauded in the Plain
Dealer, excels in the part of Sir John Brute, and would be
equal to many humorous situations in low comedy, which his
pride will not allow him to undertake. I should not have
been so severe upon this actor, had I not seen him extolled
by his partisans with the most ridiculous and fulsome
manifestations of praise, even in those very circumstances
wherein (as I have observed) he chiefly failed."
Peregrine, not a little piqued to hear the qualifications
of such a celebrated actor in England treated with such
freedom and disrespect, answered, with some asperity, that
the chevalier was a true critic, more industrious in
observing the blemishes than in acknowledging the excellence
of those who fell under his examination.
It was not to be supposed that one actor could shine
equally in all characters; and though his observations were
undoubtedly very judicious, he himself could not help
wondering that some of them had always escaped his notice,
though he had been an assiduous frequenter of the playhouse.
"The player in question," said he, "has, in your own
opinion, considerable share of merit in the characters of
comic life; and as to the manners of the great personages in
tragedy, and the operation of the grand passions of the
soul, I apprehend they may be variously represented,
according to the various complexion and cultivation of
different men, A Spaniard, for example, though impelled by
the same passion, will express it very differently from a
Frenchman; and what is looked upon as graceful vivacity and
address by the one, would be considered as impertinence and
foppery by the other; nay, so opposite is your common
deportment from that of some other nations, that one of our
own countrymen, in the relation of his travels, observes,
that the Persians even of this age, when they see any man
perform unnecessary gestures, says he is either a fool or
Frenchman. The standard of demeanour being thus unsettled, a
Turk, a Moor, an Indian, or inhabitant of my country whose
customs and dress are widely different from ours, may, in
his sentiments, possess all the dignity of the human heart,
and be inspired by the noblest passion that animates the
soul, and yet excite the laughter rather than the respect of
an European spectator.
"When I first beheld your famous Parisian stage heroine
in one of her principal parts, her attitudes seemed so
violent, and she tossed her arms around with such
extravagance, that she put me in mind of a windmill under
the agitation of a hard gale; while her voice and features
exhibited the lively representation of an English scold. The
action of your favourite male performer was, in my opinion,
equally unnatural: he appeared with the affected airs of a
dancing-master; at the most pathetic junctures of his fate
he lifted up his hands above his head, like a tumbler going
to vault, and spoke as if his throat had been obstructed by
a hair-brush: yet, when I compared their manners with those
of the people before whom they performed, and made allowance
for that exaggeration which obtains on all theatres, I was
insensibly reconciled to their method of performance, and I
could distinguish abundance of merit beneath that oddity of
appearance."
The chevalier, perceiving Peregrine a little irritated at
what he had said, asked pardon for the liberty he had taken
in censuring the English players; assuring him that he had
an infinite veneration for the British learning, genius, and
taste, which were so justly distinguished in the world of
letters; and that, notwithstanding the severity of his
criticism, he thought the theatre of London much better
supplied with actors than that of Paris. The young gentleman
thanked him for his polite condescension, at which Pallet
excited, saying, with a shake of the head, "I believe so,
too, Monsieur;" and the physician, impatient of the dispute
in which he had borne no share, observed, with a
supercilious air, that the modern stage was altogether
beneath one who had an idea of ancient magnificence and
execution; that plays ought to be exhibited at the expense
of the state, as those of Sophocles were by the Athenians;
and that proper judges should be appointed for receiving or
rejecting all such performances as are offered to the
public.
He then described the theatre at Rome, which contained
eighty thousand spectators; gave them a learned disquisition
into the nature of the persona, or mask, worn by the Roman
actors, which, he said, was a machine that covered the whole
head, furnished on the inside with a brazen concavity, that,
by reverberating, the sound, as it issued from the mouth,
raised the voice, so as to render it audible to such an
extended audience. He explained the difference between the
saltator and declamator, one of whom acted, while the other
rehearsed the part; and from thence took occasion to mention
the perfection of their pantomimes, who were so amazingly
distinct in the exercise of their art, that a certain prince
of Pontus, being at the court of Nero, and seeing one of
them represent a story, begged him of the emperor, in order
to employ him as an interpreter among barbarous nations,
whose language he did not understand. Nay, divers cynic
philosophers, who had condemned this entertainment unseen,
when they chanced to be eye-witnesses of their admirable
dexterity, expressed their sorrow for having so long
debarred themselves of such national enjoyment.
He dissented, however, from the opinion of Peregrine,
who, as a proof of their excellence, had advanced that some
of the English actors fancied themselves the very thing they
represented; and recounted a story from Lucian, of a certain
celebrated pantomime, who, in, acting the part of Ajax in
his frenzy, was transported into a real fit of delirium,
during which he tore to pieces the clothes of that actor who
stalked before him, beating the stage with iron shoes, in
order to increase the noise; snatched an instrument from one
of the musicians, and broke it over the head of him who
represented Ulysses; and, running to the consular bench,
mistook a couple of senators for the sheep which were to be
slain. The audience applauded him to the skies: but so
conscious was the mimic of his own extravagance when he
recovered the use of his reason, that he actually fell sick
with mortification; and being afterwards desired to re-act
the piece, flatly refused to appear in any such character,
saying that the shortest follies were the best, and that it
was sufficient for him to have been a madman once in his
life.
CHAPTER LII.
An Adventure happens to Pipes, in consequence of which he is
dismissed from Peregrine's Service—The whole Company set out
for Ghent, in the Diligence—Our Hero is captivated by a Lady
in that Carriage—Interests her spiritual Director in his
behalf.
The doctor being fairly engaged on the subject of the
ancients, would have proceeded the Lord knows how far,
without hesitation, had not he been interrupted by the
arrival of Mr. Jolter, who, in great confusion, told them
that Pipes, having affronted a soldier, was then surrounded
in the street, and certainly would be put to death if some
person of authority did not immediately interpose in his
behalf.
Peregrine no sooner learned the danger of his trusty
squire, than, snatching up his sword, he ran down-stairs,
and was followed by the chevalier, entreating him to leave
the affair to his management. Within ten yards of the door
they found Tom, with his back to a wall, defending himself
with a mopstick against the assault of three or four
soldiers, who, at sight of the Maltese cross, desisted from
the attack, and were taken into custody by order of the
knight. One of the aggressors, being an Irishman, begged to
be heard with great importunity before he should be sent to
the guard; and, by the mediation of Pickle, was accordingly
brought into the hotel with his companions, all three
bearing upon their heads and faces evident marks of their
adversary's prowess and dexterity. The spokesman, being
confronted with Pipes, informed the company that, having by
accident met with Mr. Pipes, whom he considered as his
countryman, though fortune had disposed of them in different
services, he invited him to drink a glass of wine, and
accordingly carried him to a cabaret, where he introduced
him to his comrades; but in the course of the conversation,
which turned upon the power and greatness of the kings of
France and England, Mr. Pipes had been pleased to treat his
most Christian Majesty with great disrespect; and when he,
the entertainer, expostulated with him in a friendly manner
about his impolite behaviour, observing, that he, being in
the French service, would be under the necessity of
resenting his abuse if he did not put a stop to it before
the other gentlemen of the cloth should comprehend his
meaning; he had set them all three at defiance, dishonoured
him in particular with the opprobrious epithet of rebel to
his native king and country, and even drunk, in broken
French, to the perdition of Louis and all his adherents;
that, compelled by this outrageous conduct, he, as the
person who had recommended him to their society, had, in
vindication of his own character, demanded of the
delinquent, who, on pretence of fetching a sword, had gone
to his lodging, from whence he all of a sudden sallied upon
them with the mopstick, which he employed in the annoyance
of them all without distinction, so that they were obliged
to draw in their own defence.
Pipes, being questioned by his master with regard to the
truth of this account, owned that every circumstance was
justly represented; saying, he did not value their
cheese-toasters a pinch of oakum; and that if the gentleman
had not shot in betwixt them, he would have trimmed them to
such a tune, that they should not have had a whole yard to
square. Peregrine reprimanded him sharply for his unmannerly
behaviour, and insisted upon his asking pardon of those he
had injured upon the spot: but no consideration was
efficacious enough to produce such concession; to this
command he was both deaf and dumb; and the repeated threats
of his master had no more effect than if they had been
addressed to a marble statue. At length, our hero, incensed
at his obstinacy, started up, and would have chastised him
with manual operation, had not he been prevented by the
chevalier, who found means to moderate his indignation so
far that he contented himself with dismissing the offender
from his service; and after having obtained the discharge of
the prisoners, gave them a louis to drink, by way of
recompense for the disgrace and damage they had sustained.
The knight, perceiving our young gentleman very much
ruffled at this accident, and reflecting upon the
extraordinary deportment and appearance of his valet, whose
hair had by this time adopted a grizzled hue, imagined he
was some favourite domestic, who had grown gray in the
service of his master's family, and that, of consequence, he
was uneasy at the sacrifice he had made. Swayed by this
conjecture, he earnestly solicited in his behalf; but all he
could obtain, was a promise of re-admitting him into favour
on the terms already proposed, or at least on condition that
he should make his acknowledgment to the chevalier, for his
want of reverence and respect for the French monarch.
Upon this condescension the culprit was called up-stairs,
and made acquainted with the mitigation of his fate; upon
which he said, he would down on his marrow-bones to his own
master, but would be d—d before he would ask pardon of e'er
a Frenchman in Christendom. Pickle, exasperated at this
blunt declaration, ordered him out of his presence, and
charged him never to appear before his face again; while the
officer in vain employed all his influence and address to
appease his resentment, and about midnight took his leave
with marks of mortification at his want of success.
Next day the company agreed to travel through Flanders in
the diligence, by the advice of Peregrine, who was not
without hope of meeting with some adventure or amusement in
that carriage; and Jolter took care to secure places for
them all; it being resolved that the valet-de-chambre and
the doctor's man should attend the vehicle on horseback; and
as for the forlorn Pipes, he was left to reap the fruits of
his own stubborn disposition, notwithstanding the united
efforts of the whole triumvirate, who endeavoured to procure
his pardon.
Every previous measure being thus taken, they set out
from Lisle about six in the morning, and found themselves in
the company of a female adventurer, a very handsome young
lady, a Capuchin, and a Rotterdam Jew. Our young gentleman,
being the first of this society that entered, surveyed the
stranger with an attentive eye, and seated himself
immediately behind the beautiful unknown, who at once
attracted his attention. Pallet, seeing another lady
unengaged, in imitation of his friend, took possession of
her neighbourhood; the physician paired with the priest, and
Jolter sat down by the Jew.
The machine had not proceeded many furlongs, when Pickle,
accosting the fair incognita, congratulated himself upon his
happiness, in being the fellow-traveller of so charming a
lady. She, without the least reserve or affectation, thanked
him for his compliment; and replied, with a sprightly air,
that now they were embarked in one common bottom, they must
club their endeavours to make one another as happy as the
nature of their situation would permit them to be.
Encouraged by this frank intimation, and captivated by her
fine black eyes and easy behaviour, he attached himself to
her from that moment; and, in a little time, the
conversation became so particular, that the Capuchin thought
proper to interfere in the discourse in such a manner as
gave the youth to understand that he was there on purpose to
superintend her conduct. He was doubly rejoiced at this
discovery, in consequence of which he hoped to profit in his
addresses, not only by the young lady's restraint, that
never fails to operate in behalf of the lover, but also by
the corruptibility of her guardian, whom he did not doubt of
rendering propitious to his cause. Flushed with these
expectations, he behaved with uncommon complacency to the
father, who was charmed with the affability of his carriage,
and on the faith of his generosity abated of his vigilance
so much, that our hero carried on his suit without further
molestation; while the painter, in signs and loud bursts of
laughter, conversed with his dulcinea, who was perfectly
well versed in these simple expressions of satisfaction, and
had already found means to make a dangerous invasion upon
his heart.
Nor were the governor and physician unemployed, while
their friends interested themselves in this agreeable
manner. Jolter no sooner perceived the Hollander was a Jew,
than he entered into an investigation of the Hebrew tongue,
in which he was a connoisseur; and the doctor at the same
time attacked the mendicant on the ridiculous maxims of his
order, together with the impositions of priestcraft in
general, which, he observed, prevailed so much among those
who profess the Roman Catholic religion.
Thus coupled, each committee enjoyed their own
conversation apart, without any danger of encroachment; and
all were so intent upon their several topics, that they
scarce allowed themselves a small interval in viewing the
desolation of Menin, as they passed through that ruined
frontier. About twelve o'clock they arrived at Courtray,
where the horses are always changed, and the company halt an
hour for refreshment. Here Peregrine handed his charmer into
an apartment, where she was joined by the other lady; and on
pretence of seeing some of the churches in town, put himself
under the direction of the Capuchin, from whom he learned
that the lady was wife to a French gentleman, to whom she
had been married about a year, and that she was now on her
journey to visit her mother, who lived in Brussels, and was
at that time laboured under a lingering distemper, which, in
all probability, would soon put a period to her life. He
then launched out in praise of her daughter's virtue and
conjugal affection; and, lastly, told him, that he was her
father-confessor, and pitched upon to be her conductor
through Flanders, by her husband, as well as his wife,
placed the utmost confidence in his prudence and integrity.
Pickle easily comprehended the meaning of this
insinuation, and took the hint accordingly. He tickled the
priest's vanity with extraordinary encomiums upon the
disinterested principles of his order, which were detached
from all worldly pursuits, and altogether devoted to the
eternal salvation of mankind. He applauded their patience,
humility, and learning, and lavished a world of praise upon
their talent in preaching, which, he said, had more than
once operated so powerfully upon him, that had he not been
restrained by certain considerations which he could not
possibly waive, he should have embraced their tenets, and
begged admission into their fraternity: but, as the
circumstances of his fate would not permit him to take such
a salutary measure for the present, he entreated the good
father to accept a small token of his love and respect, for
the benefit of that convent to which he belonged. So saying
he pulled out a purse of ten guineas, which the Capuchin
observing, turned his head another way, and, lifting up his
arm, displayed a pocket almost as high as his collar-bone,
in which he deposited the money.
This proof of affection for the order produced a sudden
and surprising effect upon the friar. In the transport of
his zeal he wrung this semi-convert's hand, showered a
thousand benedictions upon his head, and exhorted him, with
the tears flowing from his eyes, to perfect the great work
which the finger of God had begun in his heart; and, as an
instance of his concern for the welfare of his precious
soul, the holy brother promised to recommend him strenuously
to the pious admonitions of the young woman under his care,
who was a perfect saint upon earth, and endowed with a
peculiar gift of mollifying the hearts of obdurate sinners.
"O father!" cried the hypocritical projector, who by this
time perceived that his money was not thrown away, "if I
could be favoured but for one half hour with the private
instruction of that inspired devotee, my mind presages, that
I should be a strayed sheep brought back into the fold, and
that I should find easy entrance at the gates of heaven!
There is something supernatural in her aspect: I gaze upon
her with the most pious fervour, and my whole soul is
agitated with tumults of hope and despair!"
Having pronounced this rhapsody with transport half
natural and half affected, the priest assured him, that
these were the operations of the Spirit, which must not be
repressed; and comforted him with the hope of enjoying the
blessed interview which he desired, protesting, that, as far
as his influence extended, his wish should be that very
evening indulged. The gracious pupil thanked him for his
benevolent concern, which he swore should not be squandered
upon an ungrateful object; and the rest of the company
interrupting the conversation, they returned in a body to
the inn, where they dined all together, and the ladies were
persuaded to be our hero's guests.
As the subjects on which they had been engaged before
dinner were not exhausted, each brace resumed their former
theme when they were replaced in the diligence. The
painter's mistress finished her conquest, by exerting her
skill in the art of ogling, accompanied by frequent
bewitching sighs and some tender French songs, that she sang
with such pathetic expression, as quite melted the
resolution of Pallet, and utterly subdued his affection. And
he, to convince her of the importance of her victory, gave a
specimen of his own talents, by entertaining her with that
celebrated English ditty, the burden of which begins with,
"The pigs they lie with their a—s bare."
CHAPTER LIII.
He makes some Progress in her Affections—Is interrupted by a
Dispute between Jolter and the Jew—Appeases the Wrath of the
Capuchin, who procures for him an interview with his fair
Enslaver, in which he finds himself deceived.
Peregrine, meanwhile, employed all his insinuation and
address in practising upon the heart of the Capuchin's fair
charge. He had long ago declared his passion, not in the
superficial manner of a French gallant, but with all the
ardour of an enthusiast. He had languished, vowed,
flattered, kissed her hand by stealth, and had no reason to
complain of his reception. Though, by a man of a less
sanguine disposition, her particular complaisance would have
been deemed equivocal, and perhaps nothing more than the
effects of French breeding and constitutional vivacity; he
gave his own qualifications credit for the whole, and with
these sentiments carried on the attack with such unabating
vigour, that she was actually prevailed upon to accept a
ring, which he presented as a token of his esteem; and
everything proceeded in a most prosperous train, when they
were disturbed by the governor Israelite, who, in the heat
of disputation, raised their voices, and poured forth such
effusions of gutturals, as set our lover's teeth on edge. As
they spoke in a language unknown to every one in the
carriage but themselves, and looked at each other with
mutual animosity and rancour, Peregrine desired to know the
cause of their contention; upon which Jolter exclaimed, in a
furious tone, "This learned Levite, forsooth, has the
impudence to tell me that I don't understand Hebrew; and
affirms that the word Benoni signifies 'child of joy;'
whereas, I can prove, and have already said enough to
convince any reasonable man, that in the Septuagint it is
rightly translated into 'son of my sorrow.'"
Having thus explained himself to his pupil, he turned to
the priest, with intention to appeal to his determination;
but the Jew pulled him by the sleeve with great eagerness,
saying, "For the love of God, be quiet: the Capuchin will
discover who we are." Joker, offended at this conjunction,
echoed, "Who we are!" with great emphasis; and repeating nos
poma natamus, asked ironically, to which of the tribes the
Jew thought he belonged? The Levite, affronted at his
comparing him to a ball of horse-dung, replied, with a most
significant grin, "To the tribe of Issachar." His
antagonist, taking the advantage of his unwillingness to be
known by the friar, and prompted by revenge for the freedom
he had used, answered, in the French language, that the
judgment of God was still manifest upon their whole race,
not only in their being in the state of exiles from their
native land, but also in the spite of their hearts and
pravity of their dispositions, which demonstrate them to be
the genuine offspring of those who crucified the Saviour of
the world.
His expectation was, however, defeated: the priest
himself was too deeply engaged to attend to the debates of
other people. The physician, in the pride and insolence of
his learning, had undertaken to display the absurdity of the
Christian faith; having already, as he thought, confuted the
Capuchin, touching the points of belief in which the Roman
Catholics differ from the rest of the world. But not
cemented with the imagined victory he bed gained, he began
to strike at the fundamentals of religion; and the father,
with incredible forbearance, suffered him to make very free
with the doctrine of the Trinity: but, when he leveled the
shafts of his ridicule at the immaculate conception of the
Blessed Virgin, the good man's patience forsook him, his
eyes seemed to kindle with indignation, he trembled in every
joint, and uttered, with a loud voice, "You are an
abominable—I will not call thee heretic, for thou art worse,
if possible, than a Jew; you deserve to be inclosed in a
furnace seven times heated; and I have a good mind to lodge
an information against you with the governor of Ghent, that
you may be apprehended and punished as an impious
blasphemer."
This menace operated like a charm upon all present. The
doctor was confounded, the governor dismayed, the Levite's
teeth chattered, the painter astonished at the general
confusion, the cause of which he could not comprehend, and
Pickle himself, not a little alarmed, was obliged to use all
his interest and assiduity in appeasing this son of the
church, who, at length, in consideration of the friendship
he professed for the young gentleman, consented to forgive
what had passed, but absolutely refused to sit in contact
with such a profane wretch, whom he looked upon as a fiend
of darkness, sent by the enemy of mankind to poison the
minds of weak people; so that, after having crossed himself
and uttered certain exorcisms, he insisted upon the doctor's
changing places with the Jew, who approached the offended
ecclesiastic in an agony of fear.
Matters being thus compromised, the conversation flowed
in a more general channel; and without the intervention of
any other accident or bone of contention, the carriage
arrived at the city of Ghent about seven in the evening.
Supper being bespoken for the whole company, our adventurer
and his friends went out to take a superficial view of the
place, leaving his new mistress to the pious exhortations of
her confessor, whom, as we have already observed, he had
secured in his interest. This zealous mediator spoke so
warmly in his commendation, and interested her conscience so
much in the affair, that she could not refuse her helping
hand to the great work of his conversion, and promised to
grant the interview he desired.
This agreeable piece of intelligence, which the Capuchin
communicated to Peregrine at his return, elevated his
spirits to such a degree, that he shone at supper with
uncommon brilliance, in a thousand sallies of wit and
pleasantry, to the delight of all present, especially of his
fair Fleming, who seemed quite captivated by his person and
behaviour. The evening being thus spent to the satisfaction
of all parties, the company broke up, and retired to their
several apartments, where our lover, to his unspeakable
mortification, learned that the two ladies were obliged to
be in the same room, all the other chambers of the inn being
pre-occupied. When he imparted this difficulty to the
priest, that charitable father, who was very fruitful in
expedients, assured him that his spiritual concerns should
not be obstructed by such a slender impediment; and
accordingly availed himself of his prerogative, by going
into his daughter's chamber when she was almost undressed,
and leading her into his own, on pretence of administering
salutary food for her soul. Having brought the two votaries
together, he prayed for success to the operations of grace,
and left them to their mutual meditations, after having
conjured them in the most solemn manner to let no impure
sentiments or temptations of the flesh interfere with the
hallowed design of their meeting.
The reverend intercessor being gone, and the door
fastened on the inside, the pseudo-convert, transported with
his passion, threw himself at his Amanda's feet; and begging
she would spare him the tedious form of addresses, which the
nature of their interview would not permit him to observe,
began, with all the impetuosity of love, to make the most of
the occasion. But whether she was displeased by the
intrepidity and assurance of his behaviour, thinking herself
entitled to more courtship and respect; or was really better
fortified with chastity than he or his procurer had supposed
her to be; certain it is, she expressed resentment and
surprise at his boldness and presumption, and upbraided him
with having imposed upon the charity of the friar. The young
gentleman was really as much astonished at this rebuff, as
she pretended to be at his declaration, and earnestly
entreated her to consider how precious the moments were, and
for once sacrifice superfluous ceremony to the happiness of
one who adored her with such a flame as could not fail to
consume his vitals, if she would not deign to bless him with
her favour.
Notwithstanding all his tears, vows, and supplications,
his personal accomplishments, and the tempting opportunity,
all that he could obtain was an acknowledgment of his having
made an impression upon her heart, which she hoped the
dictates of her duty would enable her to erase. This
confession he considered as a delicate consent; and, obeying
the impulse of his love, snatched her up in his arms, with
an intention of seizing that which she declined to give;
when this French Lucretia, unable to defend her virtue any
other way, screamed aloud; and the Capuchin, setting his
shoulder to the door, forced it open, and entered in an
affected ecstasy of amazement. He lifted up his hands and
eyes, and pretended to be thunderstruck at the discovery he
had made; then in broken exclamations, professed his horror
at the wicked intention of our hero, who had covered such a
damnable scheme with the mask of religion.
In short, he performed his cue with such dexterity, that
the lady, believing him to be in earnest, begged he would
forgive the stranger on account of his youth and education,
which had been tainted by the errors of heresy; and he was
on these considerations content to accept the submission of
our hero; who, far from renouncing his expectations,
notwithstanding this mortifying repulse, confided so much in
his own talents, and the confession which his mistress had
made, that he resolved to make another effort, to which
nothing could have prompted him but the utmost turbulence of
unruly desire.
CHAPTER LIV.
He makes another Effort to towards the Accomplishment of his
Wish, which is postponed by a strange Accident.
He directed his valet-de-chambre, who was a
thorough-paced pimp, to kindle some straw in the yard, and
then pass by the door of her apartment, crying with a loud
voice that the house was on fire. This alarm brought both
ladies out of their chamber in a moment, and Peregrine,
taking the advantage of their running to the street door,
entered the room, concealed himself under a large table that
stood in an unobserved corner. The nymphs, as soon as they
understood the cause of his Mercury's supposed affright,
returned to their apartment, and, having said their prayers,
undressed themselves, and went to bed. This scene, which
fell under the observation of Pickle, did not at all
contribute to the cooling of his concupiscence, but on the
contrary inflamed him to such a degree, that he could scarce
restrain his impatience, until, by her breathing deep, he
concluded the fellow-lodger of his Amanda was asleep. This
welcome note no sooner saluted his ears, than he crept to
his charmer's bedside, and placing himself on his knees,
gently laid hold on her white hand, and pressed it to his
lips. She had just begun to close her eyes, and enjoy the
agreeable oppression of slumber, when she was roused by this
rape, at which she started, pronouncing, in a tone of
surprise and dismay, "My God! who's that?"
The lover, with the most insinuating humility, besought
her to hear him; vowing that his intention, in approaching
her thus, was not to violate the laws of decency, or that
indelible esteem which she had engraved on his heart; but to
manifest his sorrow and contrition for the umbrage he had
given, to pour forth the overflowings of his soul, and tell
her that he neither could nor would survive her displeasure.
These and many more pathetic protestations, accompanied with
sighs and tears and other expressions of grief, which our
hero had at command, could not fail to melt the tender heart
of the Fleming, already prepossessed in favour of his
qualifications. She sympathized so much with his affliction,
as to weep in her turn, when she represented the
impossibility of her rewarding his passion; and he, seizing
the moment, reinforced his solicitations with such
irresistible transports, that her resolution gave way, she
began to breathe quick, expressed her fear of being
overheard by the other lady, with an ejaculation of "O
heavens! I'm undone," suffered him, after a faint struggle,
to make a lodgment upon the covered way of her bed. Her
honour, however, was secured for the present, by a strange
sort of knocking upon the wainscot, at the other end of the
room, hard by the bed in which the female adventurer lay.
Surprised at this circumstance, the lady begged him for
heaven's sake to retreat, or her reputation would be ruined
for ever; but when he represented to her, that her character
would run a much greater risk if he should be detected in
withdrawing, she consented, with great trepidation, to his
stay, and they listened in silence to the sequel of the
noise that alarmed them. This was no other than an expedient
of the painter to awaken his dulcinea, with whom he had made
an assignation, or at least interchanged such signals as he
thought amounted to a firm appointment. His nymph, being
disturbed in her first sleep, immediately understood the
sound, and, true to the agreement, rose; and, unbolting the
door, as softly as possible, gave him admittance; leaving it
open for his more commodious retreat.
While this happy gallant was employed in disengaging
himself from the deshabille in which he had entered, the
Capuchin, suspecting that Peregrine would make another
attempt upon his charge, had crept silently to the apartment
in order to reconnoitre, lest the adventure should be
achieved without his knowledge; a circumstance that would
deprive him of the profits he might expect from his privity
and concurrence. Finding the door unlatched, his suspicion
was confirmed, and he made no scruple of creeping into the
chamber on all four; so that the painter, having stripped
himself to the shirt, in groping about for his dulcinea's
bed, chanced to lay his hand upon the shaven crown of the
father's head, which, by a circular motion, the priest began
to turn round in his grasp, like a ball in a socket, to the
surprise and consternation of poor Pallet, who, neither
having penetration to comprehend the case, nor resolution to
withdraw his fingers from this strange object of his touch,
stood sweating in the dark, and venting ejaculations with
great devotion.
The friar, tired with this exercise, and the painful
posture in which he stooped, raised himself gradually upon
his feet, heaving up at the same time the hand of the
painter, whose terror and amazement increased to such a
degree at this unaccountable elevation, that his faculties
began to fail; and his palm, in the confusion of his fright,
sliding over the priest's forehead, one of his fingers
happened to slip into his mouth, and was immediately secured
between the Capuchin's teeth with as firm a fixture as if it
had been screwed in a blacksmith's vice.
The painter was so much disordered by this sudden snap,
which tortured him to the bone, that, forgetting all other
considerations, he roared aloud, "Murder! a fire! a trap, a
trap! help, Christians, for the love of God, help!" Our
hero, confounded by these exclamation, which he knew would
soon fill the room with spectators, and incensed at his own
mortifying disappointment, was obliged to quit the untasted
banquet, and, approaching the cause of his misfortune, just
as his tormentor had thought proper to release his finger,
discharged such a hearty slap between his shoulders, as
brought him to the ground with hideous bellowing; then,
retiring unperceived to his own chamber, was one of the
first who returned with a light, on pretence of having been
alarmed with his cries. The Capuchin had taken the same
precaution, and followed Peregrine into the room,
pronouncing benedicite, and crossing himself with many marks
of astonishment. The physician and Jolter appearing at the
same time, the unfortunate painter was found lying naked on
the floor, in all the agony of horror and dismay, blowing
upon his left hand, that hung dangling from the elbow. The
circumstance of his being found in that apartment, and the
attitude of his affliction, which was extremely ridiculous,
provoked the doctor to a smile, and produced a small
relaxation in the severity of the governor's countenance;
while Pickle, testifying his surprise and concern, lifted
him from the ground, and inquired into the cause of his
present situation.
Having, after some recollection, and fruitless endeavours
to speak, recovered the use of his tongue, he told them that
the house was certainly haunted by evil spirits, by which he
had been conveyed, he knew not how, into that apartment, and
afflicted with all the tortures of hell: that one of them
had made itself sensible to his feeling, in the shape of a
round ball of smooth flesh, which turned round under his
hand, like an astronomer's globe; and then, rising up to a
surprising height, was converted into a machine that laid
hold on his finger, by a snap; and having pinned him to the
spot, he continued for some moments in unspeakable agony. At
last, he said, the engine seemed to melt away from his
finger, and he received a sudden thwack upon his shoulders,
as if discharged by the arm of a giant, which overthrew him
in an instant upon the floor.
The priest, hearing this strange account, pulled out of
one of his pouches a piece of consecrated candle, which he
lighted immediately, and muttered certain mysterious
conjurations. Jolter, imagining that Pallet was drunk, shook
his head, saying, he believed the spirit was nowhere but in
his own brain. The physician for once condescended to be a
wag, and, looking towards one of the beds, observed, that,
in his opinion, the painter had been misled by the flesh,
and not by the spirit. The fair Fleming lay in silent
astonishment and affright; and her fellow in order to acquit
herself of all suspicion, exclaimed with incredible
volubility against the author of this uproar, who, she did
not doubt, had concealed himself in the apartment with a
view of perpetuating some wicked attempt upon her precious
virtue, and was punished and prevented by the immediate
interposition of heaven. At her desire, therefore, and at
the earnest solicitation of the other lady, he was conducted
to his own bed; and the chamber being evacuated, they locked
their door, fully resolved to admit no more visitants for
that night: while Peregrine, mad with seeing the delicious
morsel snatched, as it were, from his very lip, stalked
through the passage like a ghost, in hope of finding some
opportunity of re-entering; till the day beginning to break,
he was obliged to retire, cursing the idiotical conduct of
the painter, which had so unluckily interfered with his
delight.
CHAPTER LV.
They depart from Ghent—Our Hero engages in a Political
Dispute with his Mistress, whom he offends, and pacifies
with Submission—He practises an Expedient to detain the
Carriage at Alost, and confirms the Priest in his Interest.
Next day, about one o'clock, after having seen everything
remarkable in town, and been present at the execution of two
youths, who were hanged for ravishing a w—, they took their
departure from Ghent in the same carriage which had brought
them thither; and the conversation turning upon the
punishment they had seen inflicted, the Flemish beauty
expressed great sympathy and compassion for the unhappy
sufferers, who, as she had been informed, had fallen victims
to the malice of the accuser. Her sentiments were espoused
by all the company, except the French lady of pleasure, who,
thinking the credit of the sisterhood concerned in the
affair, bitterly inveighed against the profligacy of the
age, and particularly the base and villainous attempts of
man upon the chastity of the weaker sex; saying, with a look
of indignation directed to the painter, that for her own
part she should never be able to manifest the acknowledgment
she owed to Providence, for having protected her last night
from the wicked aims of unbridled lust. This observation
introduced a series of jokes at the expense of Pallet, who
hung his ears, and sat with a silent air of dejection,
fearing that, through the malevolence of the physician, his
adventure might reach the ears of his wife. Indeed, though
we have made shift to explain the whole transaction to the
reader, it was an inextricable mystery to every individual
in the diligence, because the part which was acted by the
Capuchin was known to himself alone, and even he was utterly
ignorant of Pickle's being concerned in the affair; so that
the greatest share of the painter's sufferings were supposed
to be the exaggerations of his own extravagant imagination.
In the midst of their discourse on this extraordinary
subject, the driver told them that they were now on the very
spot where a detachment of the allied army had been
intercepted and cut off by the French: and, stopping the
vehicle, entertained them with a local description of the
battle of Melle. Upon this occasion, the Flemish lady, who,
since her marriage, had become a keen partisan for the
French, gave a minute detail of all the circumstances, as
they had been represented to her by her husband's brother,
who was in the action. This account, which sunk the number
of the French to sixteen, and raised that of the allies to
twenty thousand men, was so disagreeable to truth, as well
as to the laudable partiality of Peregrine, that he ventured
to contradict her assertions, and a fierce dispute
commenced, that not only regarded the present question, but
also comprehended all the battles in which the Duke of
Marlborough had commanded against Louis the Fourteenth. In
the course of these debates, she divested the great general
of all the glory he had acquired, by affirming, that every
victory he gained was purposely lost by the French in order
to bring the schemes of Madame de Maintenon into discredit;
and, as a particular instance, alledged, that while the
citadel of Lisle was besieged, Louis said, in presence of
the Dauphin, that if the allies should be obliged to raise
the siege, he would immediately declare his marriage with
that lady; upon which, the son sent private orders to
Marshal Boufflers to surrender the place.
This strange allegation was supported by the asseveration
of the priest and the courtesan, and admitted as truth by
the governor, who pretended to have heard it from good
authority; while the doctor sat neutral, as one who thought
it scandalous to know the history of such modern events. The
Israelite, being a true Dutchman, himself under the banners
of our hero, who, in attempting to demonstrate the absurdity
and improbability of what they had advanced, raised such a
hue and cry against himself, and, being insensibly heated in
the altercation, irritated his Amanda to such a degree, that
her charming eyes kindled with fury, and he saw great reason
to think, that if he did not fall upon some method to
deprecate her wrath, she would, in a twinkling, sacrifice
all her esteem for him to her own zeal for the glory of the
French nation. Moved by this apprehension, his ardour cooled
by degrees, and he insensibly detached himself from the
argument, leaving the whole care of supporting it to the
Jew, who, finding himself deserted, was fain to yield at
discretion; so that the French remained masters of the
field, and their young heroine resumed her good humour.
Our hero having prudently submitted to the superior
intelligence of his fair enslaver, began to be harassed with
the fears of losing her for ever; and set his invention at
work, to contrive some means of indemnifying himself for his
assiduities, presents, and the disappointment he had already
undergone. On pretence of enjoying a free air, he mounted
the box, and employed his elocution and generosity with such
success, that the driver undertook to disable the diligence
from proceeding beyond the town of Alost for that day; and,
in consequence of his promise, gently overturned it when
they were but a mile short of that baiting-place. He had
taken his measures so discreetly, that this accident was
attended with no other inconvenience than a fit of fear that
took possession of the ladies, and the necessity to which
they were reduced by the declaration of the coachman, who,
upon examining the carriage, assured the company that the
axle-tree had given way, and advised them to walk forward to
the inn, while he would jog after them at a slow pace, and
do his endeavour the damage should be immediately repaired.
Peregrine pretended to be very much concerned at what had
happened, and even cursed the driver for his inadvertency,
expressing infinite impatience to be at Brussels, and
wishing that this misfortune might not detain them another
night upon the road; but when his understrapper, according
to his instructions, came afterwards to the inn, and gave
them to understand that the workman he had employed could
not possibly refit the machine in less then six hours, the
crafty youth affected to lose all temper, stormed at his
emissary, whom he reviled in the most opprobrious terms, and
threatened to cane for his misconduct. The fellow protested,
with great humility, that their being overturned was owing
to the failure of the axle-tree, and not to his want of care
or dexterity in driving; though rather than be thought the
cause of incommoding him, he would inquire for a
post-chaise, in which he might depart for Brussels
immediately. This expedient Pickle rejected, unless the
whole company could be accommodated in the same manner; and
he had been previously informed by the driver that the town
could not furnish more than one vehicle of that sort. His
governor, who was quite ignorant of his scheme, represented
that one night would soon be passed, and exhorted him to
bear this small disappointment with a good grace, especially
as the house seemed to be well provided for their
entertainment, and the company so much disposed to be
sociable.
The Capuchin, who had found his account in cultivating
the acquaintance of the young stranger, was not ill-pleased
at this event, which might, by protracting the term of their
intercourse, yield him some opportunity of profiting still
farther by his liberality: he therefore joined Mr. Jolter in
his admonitions, congratulating himself upon the prospect of
enjoying his conversation a little longer than he had
expected. Our young gentleman received a compliment to the
same purpose from the Hebrew, who had that day exercised his
gallantry upon the French coquette, and was not without hope
of reaping the fruit of his attention, his rival, the
painter, being quite disgraced and dejected by the adventure
of last night, As for the doctor, he was too much engrossed
in the contemplation of his own importance, to interest
himself in the affair or its consequences, further than by
observing, that the European powers ought to establish
public games, like those that were celebrated of old in
Greece; in which case, every state would be supplied with
such dexterous charioteers as would drive a machine, at full
speed, within a hair's breadth of a precipice, without any
danger of its being overturned.
Peregrine could not help yielding to their remonstrances
and united complaisance, for which he thanked them in very
polite terms; and his passion seeming to subside, proposed
that they should amuse themselves in walking round the
ramparts. He hoped to enjoy some private conversation with
his admired Fleming, who had the whole day behaved with
remarkable reserve. The proposal being embraced, he, as
usual, handed her into the street, and took all
opportunities of promoting his suit; but they were attended
so closely by her father-confessor, that he foresaw it would
be impracticable to accomplish his aim without the
connivance of that ecclesiastic. This he was obliged to
purchase with another purse, which he offered, and was
accepted, as a charitable atonement for his criminal
behaviour during the interview which the friar had procured
for the good of his soul. The benefaction was no sooner
made, than the mendicant edged off by little and little,
till he joined the rest of the company, leaving his generous
patron at full liberty to prosecute his purpose.
It is not to be doubted that our adventurer made a good
use of this occasion: he practised a thousand flowers of
rhetoric, and actually exhausted his whole address, in
persuading her to have compassion upon his misery, and
indulge him with another private audience, without which he
should run distracted, and be guilty of extravagancies
which, in the humanity of her disposition, she would weep to
see. But, instead of complying with his request, she chid
him severely for his presumption in persecuting her with his
vicious addresses: she assured him, that although she had
secured a chamber for herself in this place, because she had
no ambition to be better acquainted with the other lady, he
would be in the wrong to disturb her with another nocturnal
visit, for she was determined to deny him admittance. The
lover was comforted by this hint, which he understood in the
true acceptation; and his passion being inflamed by the
obstacles he had met with, his heart beat high with the
prospect of possession. These raptures of expectation
produced an inquietude, which disabled him from bearing that
share of the conversation for which he used to be
distinguished. His behaviour at supper was a vicissitude of
startings and reveries. The Capuchin, imputing the disorder
to a second repulse from his charge, began to be invaded
with the apprehension of being obliged to refund, and in a
whisper forbade our hero to despair.
CHAPTER LVI.
The French Coquette entraps the Heart of the Jew, against
whom Pallet enters into a Conspiracy, by which Peregrine is
again disappointed, and the Hebrew's Incontinence exposed.
Meanwhile the French siren, balked in her design upon her
English cully, who was so easily disheartened, and hung his
ears in manifest despondence, rather than rather than run
the risk of making a voyage that should be altogether
unprofitable, resolved to practise her charms upon the Dutch
merchant. She had already made such innovation upon his
heart, that he cultivated her with peculiar complacency,
gazed upon her with a most libidinous stare, and unbended
his aspect into a grin that was truly Israelitish. The
painter saw and was offended at this correspondence, which
he considered as an insult upon his misfortune, as well as
an evident preference of his rival; and, conscious of his
own timidity, swallowed an extraordinary glass, that his
invention might be stimulated, and his resolution raised to
the contrivance and execution of some scheme of revenge. The
wine failed in the expected effect, and, without inspiring
him with the plan, served only to quicken his desire of
vengeance; so that he communicated his purpose to his friend
Peregrine, and begged his assistance; but our young
gentleman was too intent upon his own affair to mind the
concerns of any other person; and he declining to be engaged
in the project, Pallet had recourse to the genius of
Pickle's valet-de-chambre, who readily embarked in the
undertaking, and invented a plan, which was executed
accordingly.
The evening being pretty far advanced, and the company
separated into their respective apartments, Pickle repaired,
in all the impatience of youth and desire, to the chamber of
his charmer, and, finding the door unbolted, entered in a
transport of joy. By the light of the room, which shone
through the window, he was conducted to her bed, which he
approached in the utmost agitation; and perceiving her to
all appearance asleep, essayed to wake her with a gentle
kiss; but this method proved ineffectual, because she was
determined to save herself the confusion of being an
accomplice in his guilt. He repeated the application,
murmured a most passionate salutation in her ear, and took
such other gentle methods of signifying his presence, as
persuaded him that she was resolved to sleep, in spite of
all his endeavours. Flushed with this supposition, he locked
the door, in order to prevent interruption; and, stealing
himself under the clothes, set fortune at defiance, while he
held the fair creature circled in his arms.
Nevertheless, near as he seemed to be to the happy
accomplishment of his desire, his hope was again frustrated
with a fearful noise, which in a moment awaked his Amanda in
a fright, and for the present engaged all his attention. His
valet-de-chambre, whom Pallet had consulted as a confederate
in his revenge against the lady of pleasure and her gallant,
had hired of certain Bohemians, who chanced to lodge at the
inn, a jackass adorned with bells, which, when everybody was
retired to rest, and the Hebrew supposed to be bedded with
his mistress, they led upstairs into a long thoroughfare,
from which the chambers were detached on each side. The
painter, perceiving the lady's door ajar, according to his
expectation, mounted this animal, with intention to ride
into the room, and disturb the lovers in the midst of their
mutual endearments; but the ass, true to its kind, finding
himself bestrid by an unknown rider, instead of advancing in
obedience to his conductor, retreated backward to the other
end of the passage, in spite of all the efforts of the
painter, who spurred, and kicked, and pummeled to no
purpose. It was the noise of this contention between Pallet
and the ass which invaded the ears of Peregrine and his
mistress, neither of whom could form the least rational
conjecture about the cause of such strange disturbance,
which increased as the animal approached their apartment. At
length the bourrique's retrograde motion was obstructed by
the door, which it forced open in a twinkling, with one
kick, and entered with such complication of sound as
terrified the lady almost into a fit, and threw her lover
into the utmost perplexity and confusion.
The painter, finding himself thus violently intruded into
the bed-chamber of he knew not whom, and dreading the
resentment of the possessor, who might discharge a pistol at
him as a robber who had broken into his apartment, was
overwhelmed with consternation, and redoubled his exertion
to accomplish a speedy retreat, sweating all the time with
fear, and putting up petition to Heaven for his safety; but
his obstinate companion, regardless of his situation,
instead of submitting to his conduct, began to turn round
like a millstone, the united sound of his feet and bells
producing a most surprising concert. The unfortunate rider,
whirling about in this manner, would have quitted his seat,
and left the beast to his own amusement, but the rotation
was so rapid, that the terror of a severe fall hindered him
from attempting to dismount; and, in the desperation of his
heart, he seized one of his ears, which he pinched so
unmercifully, that the creature set up his throat, and
brayed aloud.
This hideous exclamation was no sooner heard by the fair
Fleming, already chilled with panic, and prepared with
superstition, than, believing herself visited by the devil,
who was permitted to punish her for her infidelity to the
marriage-bed, she uttered a scream, and began to repeat her
pater noster with a loud voice. Her lover, finding himself
under the necessity of retiring, started up, and, stung with
the most violent pangs of rage and disappointment, ran
directly to the spot from whence this diabolical noise
seemed to proceed. There encountering the ass he discharged
such a volley of blows at him and his rider, that the
creature carried him off at a round trot, and they roared in
unison all the way. Having thus cleared the room of such
disagreeable company, he went back to his mistress, and
assuring her that this was only some foolish prank of
Pallet, took his leave, with a promise of returning after
the quiet of the inn should be re-established.
In the mean time, the noise of the bourrique, the cries
of the painter, and the lady's scream, had alarmed the whole
house; and the ass, in the precipitation of his retreat,
seeing people with lights before him, took shelter in the
apartment for which he was at first designed, just as the
Levite, aroused at the uproar, had quitted his dulcinea, and
was attempting to recover his own chamber unperceived.
Seeing himself opposed by such an animal, mounted by a tall,
meagre, lantern-jawed figure, half naked, with a white
nightcap upon his head which added to the natural paleness
of his complexion,—the Jew was sorely troubled in mind and
believing it to be an apparition of Balaam and his ass, flew
backward with a nimble pace, and crept under the bed, where
he lay, concealed. Mr. Jolter and the priest, who were the
foremost of those who had been aroused by the noise, were
not unmoved when they saw such a spectacle rushing into the
chamber, whence the lady of pleasure began to shriek. The
governor made a full halt, and the Capuchin discovered no
inclination to proceed. They were, however, by the pressure
of the crowd that followed them, thrust forward to the door,
through which the vision entered; and there Jolter, with
great ceremony, complimented his reverence with the pas,
beseeching him to walk in. The mendicant was too courteous
and humble to accept this pre-eminence, and a very earnest
dispute ensued; during which, the ass, in the course of his
circuit, showed himself and rider, and in a trice decided
the contest; for, struck with this second glimpse, both at
one instant sprang backward with such force, as overturned
their next men, who communicated the impulse to those that
stood behind them, and these again to others; so that the
whole passage was strewed with a long file of people, that
lay in a line, like the sequel and dependence of a pack of
cards.
In the midst of this havoc, our hero returned from his
own room with an air of astonishment, asking the cause of
this uproar. Receiving such hints of intelligence as
Jolter's consternation would permit him to give, he snatched
the candle out of his hand, and advanced into the haunted
chamber without hesitation, being followed by all present,
who broke forth into a long and loud peal of laughter, when
they perceived the ludicrous source of their disquiet. The
painter himself made an effort to join their mirth; but he
had been so harrowed by fear, and smarted so much with the
pain of the discipline he had received from Pickle, that he
could not, with all his endeavours, vanquish the ruefulness
of his countenance. His attempt served only to increase the
awkwardness of his situation, which was not at all mended by
the behaviour of the coquette, who, furious with her
disappointment, slipped on a petticoat and bedgown, and
springing upon him, like mother Hecuba, with her nails
deprived all one side of his nose of the skin; and would not
have left him an eye to see through, if some of the company
had not rescued him from her unmerciful talons. Provoked at
this outrage, as well as by her behaviour to him in the
diligence, he publicly explained his intention in entering
her chamber in this equipage; and missing the Hebrew among
the spectators, assured them that he must have absconded
somewhere in the apartment. In pursuance of this intimation,
the room was immediately searched, and the mortified Levite
pulled up by the heels from his lurking-place; so that
Pallet had the good fortune, at last, to transfer the laugh
from himself to his rival and the French inamorata, who
accordingly underwent the ridicule of the whole audience.
CHAPTER LVII.
Pallet endeavouring to unravel the Mystery of the Treatment
he had received, falls out of the Frying-pan into the Fire.
Nevertheless, Pallet was still confounded and chagrined
by one consideration, which was no other than that of his
having been so roughly handled in the chamber, belonging, as
he found upon inquiry, to the handsome young lady who was
under the Capuchin's direction. He recollected that the door
was fast locked when his beast burst it open, and he had no
reason to believe that any person followed him in his
inruption: on the other hand, he could not imagine that such
a gentle creature would either attempt to commit, or be able
to execute, such a desperate assault as that which his body
had sustained; and her demeanour was so modest and
circumspect, that he durst not harbour the least suspicion
of her virtue. These reflections bewildered him in the
labyrinth of thought: he rummaged his whole imagination,
endeavouring to account for what had happened. At length, he
concluded, that either Peregrine, or the devil, or both must
have been at the bottom of the whole affair, and determined,
for the satisfaction of his curiosity, to watch our hero's
motions, during the remaining part of the night, so
narrowly, that his conduct, mysterious as it was, should not
be able to elude his penetration.
With these sentiments he retired to his own room, after
the ass had been restored to the right owners, and the
priest had visited and comforted his fair ward, who had been
almost distracted with fear. Silence no sooner prevailed
again, than he crawled darkling towards her door, and
huddled himself up in an obscure corner, from whence he
might observe the ingress or egress of any human creature.
He had not long remained in this posture, when, fatigued
with this adventure and that of the preceding night, his
faculties were gradually overpowered with slumber; and,
falling fast asleep, he began to snore like a whole
congregation of Presbyterians. The Flemish beauty, hearing
this discordant noise in the passage, began to be afraid of
some new alarm, and very prudently bolted her door; so that
when her lover wanted to repeat his visit he was not only
surprised and incensed at this disagreeable serenade, the
author of which he did not know; but when compelled by his
passion, which was by this time wound to the highest pitch,
he ventured to approach the entrance, he had the extreme
mortification to find himself shut out. He durst not knock
or signify his presence in any other manner, on account of
the lady's reputation, which would have greatly suffered had
the snorer been waked by his endeavours. Had he known that
the person who thus thwarted his views was the painter, he
would have taken some effectual step to remove him; but he
could not conceive what should induce Pallet to take up his
residence in that corner; nor could he use the assistance of
a light, to distinguish him, because there was not a candle
burning in the house.
It is impossible to describe the rage and vexation of our
hero, while he continued thus tantalized upon the brink of
bliss, after his desire had been exasperated by the
circumstances of his former disappointments. He ejaculated a
thousand execrations against his own fortune, cursed all his
fellow-travellers without exception, vowed revenge against
the painter, who had twice confounded his most interesting
scheme, and was tempted to execute immediate vengeance upon
the unknown cause of his present miscarriage. In this agony
of distraction did he sweat two whole hours in the passage,
though not without some faint hope of being delivered from
his tormentor, who, he imagined, upon waking, would
undoubtedly shift his quarters, and leave the field free to
his designs; but when he heard the cock repeat his
salutation to the morn, which began to open on the rear of
night, he could no longer restrain his indignation. Going to
his own chamber, he filled a basin with cold water, and,
standing at some distance, discharged it full in the face of
the gaping snorer, who, over and above the surprise
occasioned by the application, was almost suffocated by the
liquor that entered his mouth, and ran down into his
windpipe. While he gasped like a person half-drowned,
without knowing the nature of his disaster, or remembering
the situation in which he fell asleep, Peregrine retired to
his own door, and, to his no small astonishment, from a long
howl that invaded his ears, learned that the patient was no
other than Pallet, who had now, for the third time, balked
his good fortune.
Enraged at the complicated trespasses of this unfortunate
offender, he rushed from his apartment with a horsewhip,
and, encountering the painter in his flight, overturned him
in the passage. There he exercised the instrument of his
wrath with great severity on pretence of mistaking him for
some presumptuous cur, which had disturbed the repose of the
inn: nay, when he called aloud for mercy in a supplicating
tone, and his chastiser could no longer pretend to treat him
as a quadruped, such was the virulence of the young
gentleman's indignation, that he could not help declaring
his satisfaction, by telling Pallet he had richly deserved
the punishment he had undergone, for his madness, folly, and
impertinence, in contriving and executing such idle schemes,
as had no other tendency than that of plaguing his
neighbours.
Pallet protested, with great vehemence, that he was
innocent as the child unborn of an intention to give umbrage
to any person whatever, except the Israelite and his doxy,
who he knew had incurred his displeasure. "But as God is my
Saviour," said he, "I believe I am persecuted with
witchcraft, and begin to think that d—d priest is an agent
of the devil; for he has been but two nights in our company,
during which I have not closed an eye; but, on the contrary,
have been tormented by all the fiends of hell." Pickle
peevishly replied, that his torments had been occasioned by
his own foolish imagination; and asked how he came to howl
in that corner. The painter, who did not think proper to own
the truth, said, that he had been transported thither by
some preternatural conveyance, and soused in water by an
invisible hand. The youth, in hope of profiting by his
absence, advised him to retire immediately to his bed, and
by sleep strive to comfort his brain, which seemed to be not
a little disordered by the want of that refreshment. Pallet
himself began to be very much of the same way of thinking;
and, in compliance with such wholesome counsel, betook
himself to rest, muttering prayers all the way for the
recovery of his own understanding.
Pickle attended him to his chamber, and, locking him up,
put the key in his own pocket, that he might not have it in
his power to interrupt him again; but in his return he was
met by Mr. Jolter and the doctor, who had been a second time
alarmed by the painter's cries, and came to inquire about
this new adventure. Half-frantic with such a series of
disappointments, he cursed them in his heart for their
unseasonable appearance. When they questioned him about
Pallet, he told them he had found him stark staring mad,
howling in a corner, and wet to the skin, and conducted him
to his room, where he was now abed. The physician, hearing
this circumstance, made a merit of his vanity; and, under
pretence of concern for the patient's welfare, desired he
might have an opportunity of examining the symptoms of his
disorder, without loss of time; alleging that many diseases
might have been stifled in the birth, which afterwards
baffled all the endeavours of the medical art. The young
gentleman accordingly delivered the key, and once more
withdrew into his own chamber, with a view of seizing the
first occasion that should present itself of renewing his
application to his Amanda's door; while the doctor, in his
way to Pellet's apartment, hinted to the governor his
suspicion that the patient laboured under that dreadful
symptom called the hydrophobia, which he observed had
sometimes appeared in persons who were not previously bit by
a mad dog. This conjecture he founded upon the howl he
uttered when he was soused with water, and began to
recollect certain circumstances of the painter's behaviour
for some days past, which now he could plainly perceive had
prognosticated some such calamity. He then ascribed the
distemper to the violent frights he had lately undergone,
affirming that the affair of the Bastille had made such a
violent encroachment upon his understanding, that his manner
of thinking and speaking was entirely altered. By a theory
of his own invention, he explained the effects of fear upon
a loose system of nerves, and demonstrated the modus in
which the animal spirits operate upon the ideas and power of
imagination.
This disquisition, which was communicated at the
painter's door, might have lasted till breakfast, had not
Jolter reminded him of his own maxim, Venienti occurrite
morbo; upon which he put the key to immediate use, and they
walked softly towards the bed, where the patient lay
extended at full length in the arms of sleep. The physician
took notice of his breathing hard, and his mouth being open;
and from these diagnostics declared, that the liquidum
nervosum was intimately affected, and the saliva impregnated
with the spiculated particles of the virus, howsoever
contracted. This sentence was still farther confirmed by the
state of his pulse, which, being full and slow, indicated an
oppressed circulation, from a loss of elasticity in the
propelling arteries. He proposed that he should immediately
suffer a second aspersion of water, which would not only
contribute to the cure, but also certify them, beyond all
possibility of doubt, with regard to the state of the
disease; for it would evidently appear, from the manner in
which he would bear the application, whether or not his
horror of water amounted to a confirmed hydrophobia. Mr.
Jolter, in compliance with his proposal, began to empty a
bottle of water, which he found in the room in a basin; when
he was interrupted by the prescriber, who advised him to use
the contents of the chamberpot, which, being impregnated
with salt, would operate more effectually than pure element.
Thus directed, the governor lifted up the vessel, which was
replete with medicine, and with one turn of his hand,
discharged the whole healing inundation upon the ill-omened
patient, who, waking in the utmost distraction of horror,
yelled most hideously, just at the time when Peregrine had
brought his mistress to a parley, and entertained hopes of
being admitted into her chamber.
Terrified at this exclamation, she instantly broke off
the treaty, beseeching him to retire from the door, that her
honour might receive no injury from his being found in that
place; and he had just enough of recollection left to see
the necessity of obeying the order; in conformity to which
he retreated well nigh deprived of his senses, and almost
persuaded that so many unaccountable disappointments must
have proceeded from some supernatural cause, of which the
idiot Pallet was no more than the involuntary instrument.
Meanwhile, the doctor having ascertained the malady of
the patient, whose cries, interrupted by frequent sobs and
sighs, he interpreted into the barking of a dog, and having
no more salt-water at hand, resolved to renew the bath with
such materials as chance would afford. He actually laid hold
of the bottle and basin; but by this time the painter had
recovered the use of his senses so well as to perceive his
drift, and, starting up like a frantic bedlamite, ran
directly to his sword, swearing, with many horrid
imprecations, that he would murder them both immediately, if
he should be hanged before dinner, They did not choose to
wait the issue of his threat, but retired with such
precipitation that the physician had almost dislocated his
shoulder by running against one side of the entry. Jolter,
having pulled the door after him and turned the key, betook
himself to flight, roaring aloud for assistance. His
colleague, seeing the door secured, valued himself upon his
resolution, and exhorted him to return; declaring that, for
his own part, he was more afraid of the madman's teeth than
of his weapon, and admonishing the governor to re-enter and
execute what they had left undone. "Go in," said he,
"without fear or apprehension; and if any accident shall
happen to you, either from his slaver or his sword, I will
assist you with my advice, which from this station I can
more coolly and distinctly administer, than I should be able
to supply if my ideas were disturbed, or my attention
engaged in any personal concern." Jolter, who could make no
objection to the justness of the conclusion, frankly owned
that he had no inclination to try the experiment; observing,
that self-preservation was the first law of nature; that his
connections with the unhappy lunatic were but slight; and
that it could not be reasonably expected that he would run
such risks for his service as were declined by one who had
set out with him from England on the footing of a companion.
This insinuation introduced a dispute upon the nature of
benevolence, and the moral sense, which, the republican
argued, existed independent of any private consideration,
and could never be affected by any contingent circumstance
of time and fortune; while the other, who abhorred his
principles, asserted the duties and excellence of private
friendship with infinite rancour of altercation.
During the hottest of the argument, they were joined by
the Capuchin, who being astonished to see them thus
virulently engaged at the door, and to hear the painter
bellowing within the chamber, conjured them, in the name of
God, to tell him the cause of that confusion which had kept
the whole house in continual alarm during the best part of
the night, and seemed to be the immediate work of the devil
and his angels. When the governor gave him to understand
that Pallet was visited with an evil spirit, he muttered a
prayer of St. Antonio de Padua, and undertook to cure the
painter, provided he could be secured so as that he might,
without danger to himself, burn part of a certain relic
under his nose, which he assured them was equal to the
miraculous power of Eleazar's ring. They expressed great
curiosity to know what this treasure was; and the priest was
prevailed upon to tell them in confidence, that it was a
collection of the parings of the nails belonging to those
two madmen, whom Jesus purged of the legion of devils that
afterwards entered the swine. So saying, he pulled from one
of his pockets a small box, containing about an ounce of the
parings of a horse's hoof; at sight of which the governor
could not help smiling, on account of the grossness of the
imposition. The doctor asked, with a supercilious smile,
whether those maniacs whom Jesus cured were of the sorrel
complexion, or dapple-gray; for, from the texture of these
parings, he could prove that the original owners were of the
quadruped order, and even distinguish that their feet had
been fortified with shoes of iron.
The mendicant, who bore an inveterate grudge against this
son of Esculapius ever since he had made so free with the
Catholic religion, replied, with great bitterness, that he
was a wretch with whom no Christian ought to communicate;
that the vengeance of Heaven would one day overtake him, on
account of his profanity; and that his heart was shod with a
metal much harder than iron, which nothing but hell fire
would be able to melt.
It was now broad day, and all the servants of the inn
were afoot. Peregrine, seeing it would be impossible to
obtain any sort of indemnification for the time he had lost,
and the perturbation of his spirits hindering him from
enjoying repose, which was moreover obstructed by the noise
of Pallet and his attendants, put on his clothes at once,
and, in exceeding ill-humour, arrived at the spot where this
triumvirate stood debating about the means of overpowering
the furious painter, who still continued his song of oaths
and execrations, and made sundry efforts to break open the
door. Chagrined as our hero was, he could not help laughing
when he heard how the patient had been treated; and his
indignation changing into compassion, he called to him
through the keyhole, desiring to know the reason of his
distracted behaviour. Pallet no sooner recognized his voice
than, lowering his own to a whimpering tone, "My dear
friend!" said he, "I have at last detected the ruffians who
have persecuted me so much. I caught them in the fact of
suffocating me with cold water; and by the Lord, I will be
revenged, or may I never live to finish my Cleopatra. For
the love of God! open the door, and I will make that
conceited pagan, that pretender to taste, that false devotee
of the ancients, who poisons people with sillykicabies and
devil's dung—I say, I will make him a monument of my wrath,
and an example to all the cheats and impostors of the
faculty; and as for that thick-headed insolent pedant, his
confederate, who emptied my own jordan upon me while I
slept, he had better have been in his beloved Paris,
botching schemes for his friend the Pretender, than incur
the effects of my resentment. Gadsbodikins! I won't leave
him a windpipe for the hangman to stop, at the end of
another rebellion."
Pickle told him his conduct had been so extravagant as to
confirm the whole company in the belief that he was actually
deprived of his senses: on which supposition, Mr. Jolter and
the doctor had acted the part of friends, in doing that
which they thought most conducive to his recovery: so that
their concern merited his thankful acknowledgment, instead
of his frantic menaces: that, for his own part, he would be
the first to condemn him, as one utterly bereft of his wits,
and give orders for his being secured as a madman, unless he
would immediately give a proof of his sanity by laying aside
his sword, composing his spirits, and thanking his injured
friends for their care of his person.
This alternative quieted his transports in a moment: he
was terrified at the apprehension of being treated like a
bedlamite, being dubious of the state of his own brain; and,
on the other hand, had conceived such a horror and antipathy
for his tormentors, that, far from believing himself obliged
by what they had done, he could not even think of them
without the utmost rage and detestation. He, therefore, in
the most tranquil voice he could assume, protested that he
never was less out of his senses than at present, though he
did not know how long he might retain them, if he should be
considered in the light of a lunatic: that, in order to
prove his being Compos mentis, he was willing to sacrifice
the resentment he so justly harboured against those who, by
their malice, had brought him to this pass; but, as he
apprehended it would be the greatest sign of madness he
could exhibit to thank them for the mischiefs they had
brought upon him, he desired to be excused from making any
such concession; and swore he would endure everything rather
than be guilty of such mean absurdity.
Peregrine held a consultation upon this reply, when the
governor and physician strenuously argued against any
capitulation with a maniac, and proposed that some method
might be taken to seize, fetter, and convey him into a dark
room, where he might be treated according to the rules of
art; but the Capuchin, understanding the circumstances of
the case, undertook to restore him to his former state,
without having recourse to such violent measures. Pickle,
who was a better judge of the affair than any person
present, opened the door without further hesitation, and
displayed the poor painter standing with a woeful
countenance, shivering in his shirt, which was as wet as if
he had been dragged through the Dender:—a spectacle which
gave such offence to the chaste eyes of the Hebrew's
mistress, who was by this time one of the spectators, that
she turned her head another way, and withdrew to her own
room, exclaiming against the indecent practices of men.
Pallet, seeing the young gentleman enter, ran to him,
and, taking him by the hands, called him his best friend,
and said he had rescued him from those who had a design
against his life. The priest would have produced his parings
and applied them to his nose, but was hindered by Pickle,
who advised the patient to shift himself, and put on his
clothes. This being done with great order and deliberation,
Mr. Jolter who, with the doctor, had kept a wary distance,
in expectation of seeing some storage effects of his
distraction, began to believe that he had been guilty of a
mistake, and accused the physician of having misled him by
his false diagnostic. The doctor still insisted upon his
former declaration assuring him, that although Pallet
enjoyed a short interval for the present, the delirium would
soon recur, unless they would profit by this momentary calm,
and order him to be blooded, blistered, and purged with all
imaginable despatch.
The governor, however, notwithstanding this caution,
advanced to the injured party, and begged pardon for the
share he had in giving him such disturbance. He declared, in
the most solemn manner, that he had no other intention than
that of contributing towards his welfare; and that his
behaviour was the result of the physician's prescription,
which he affirmed was absolutely necessary for the recovery
of his health.
The painter, who had very little gall in his disposition,
was satisfied with this apology; but his resentment, which
was before divided, now glowed with double fire against his
first fellow-traveller, whom he looked upon as the author of
all the mischances he had undergone, and marked out for his
vengeance accordingly. Yet the doors of reconciliation were
not shut against the doctor, who, with great justice, might
have transferred this load of offence from himself to
Peregrine, who was, without doubt, the source of the
painter's misfortune: but, in that case, he must have owned
himself mistaken in his medical capacity, and he did not
think the friendship of Pallet important enough to be
retrieved by such condescension; so that he resolved to
neglect him entirely, and gradually forget the former
correspondence he had maintained with a person whom he
deemed so unworthy of his notice.
CHAPTER LVIII.
Peregrine, almost distracted with his Disappointment,
conjures the fair Fleming to permit his Visits at
Brussels—She withdraws from his Pursuit.
Things being thus adjusted, and all the company dressed,
they went to breakfast about five in the morning; and in
less than an hour after were seated in the diligence, where
a profound silence prevailed. Peregrine, who used to be the
life of the society, was extremely pensive and melancholy on
account of his mishap, the Israelite and his dulcinea
dejected in consequence of their disgrace, the poet absorbed
in lofty meditation, the painter in schemes of revenge;
while Jolter, rocked by the motion of the carriage, made
himself amends for the want of rest he had sustained; and
the mendicant, with his fair charge, were infected by the
cloudy aspect of our youth, in whose disappointment each of
them, for different reasons, bore no inconsiderable share.
This general languor and recess from all bodily exercise
disposed them all to receive the gentle yoke of slumber; and
in half-an-hour after they had embarked, there was not one
of them awake, except our hero and his mistress, unless the
Capuchin was pleased to counterfeit sleep, in order to
indulge our young gentleman with an opportunity of enjoying
some private conversation with his beauteous ward.
Peregrine did not neglect the occasion; but, on the
contrary, seized the first minute, and, in gentle murmurs,
lamented his hard hap in being thus the sport of fortune. He
assured her, and that with great sincerity, that all the
cross accidents of his life had not cost him one half of the
vexation and keenness of chagrin which he had suffered last
night; and that now he was on the brink of parting from her,
he should be overwhelmed with the blackest despair, if she
would not extend her compassion so far as to give him an
opportunity of sighing at her feet in Brussels, during the
few days his affairs would permit him to spend in that city.
This young lady, with an air of mortification, expressed her
sorrow for being the innocent cause of his anxiety; said she
hoped last night's adventure would be a salutary warning to
both their souls; for she was persuaded, that her virtue was
protected by the intervention of Heaven; that whatever
impression it might have made upon him, she was enabled by
it to adhere to that duty from which her passion had begun
to swerve; and, beseeching him to forget her for his own
peace, gave him to understand, that neither the plan she had
laid down for her own conduct, nor the dictates of her
honour, would allow her to receive his visits, or carry on
any other correspondence with him, while she was restricted
by the articles of her marriage-vow.
This explanation produced such a violent effect upon her
admirer, that he was for some minutes deprived of the
faculty of speech; which he no sooner recovered, than he
gave vent to the most unbridled transports of passion. He
taxed her with barbarity and indifference; told her, that
she had robbed him of his reason and internal peace; that he
would follow her to the ends of the earth, and cease to live
sooner than cease to love her; that he would sacrifice the
innocent fool who had been the occasion of all this
disquiet, and murder every man whom he considered as an
obstruction to his views. In a word, his passions, which had
continued so long in a state of the highest fermentation,
together with the want of that repose which calms and quiets
the perturbation of the spirits, had wrought him up to a
pitch of real distraction. While he uttered these delirious
expressions, the tears ran down his cheeks; and he underwent
such agitation that the tender heart of the fair Fleming was
affected with his condition: and, while her own face was
bedewed with the streams of sympathy, she begged him, for
Heaven's sake, to be composed; and promised, for his
satisfaction, to abate somewhat of the rigour of her
purpose. Consoled by this kind declaration, he recollected
himself; and, taking out his pencil, gave her his address,
when she had assured him, that he should hear from her in
four-and-twenty hours, at farthest, after their separation.
Thus soothed, he regained the empire of himself, and, by
degrees, recovered his serenity. But this was not the case
with his Amanda, who, from this sample of his disposition,
dreaded the impetuosity of his youth, and was effectually
deterred from entering into any engagements that might
subject her peace and reputation to the rash effects of such
a violent spirit. Though she was captivated by his person
and accomplishments, she had reflection enough to foresee,
that the longer she countenanced his passion, her own heart
would be more and more irretrievably engaged, and the quiet
of her life the more exposed to continual interruption. She
therefore profited by these considerations, and a sense of
religious honour, which helped her to withstand the
suggestions of inclination; and resolved to amuse her lover
with false hopes, until she should have it in her power to
relinquish his conversation, without running any risk of
suffering by the inconsiderate sallies of his love. It was
with this view that she desired he would not insist upon
attending her to her mother's house, when they arrived at
Brussels; and he, cajoled by her artifice, took a formal
leave of her, together with the other strangers, fixing his
habitation at the inn to which he and his fellow-travellers
had been directed, in the impatient expectation of receiving
a kind summons from her within the limited time.
Meanwhile, in order to divert his imagination, he went to
see the stadthouse, park, and arsenal, took a superficial
view of the booksellers' cabinet of curiosities, and spent
the evening at the Italian opera, which was at that time
exhibited for the entertainment of Prince Charles of
Lorraine, then governor of the Low Countries. In short, the
stated period was almost lapsed when Peregrine received a
letter to this purport:—
"Sir,—If you knew what violence I do my own heart, in
declaring, that I have withdrawn myself for ever from your
addresses, you would surely applaud the sacrifice I make to
virtue, and strive to imitate this example of self-denial.
Yes, sir, Heaven hath lent me grace to struggle with my
guilty
passion, and henceforth to avoid the dangerous sight of him,
who inspired it. I therefore conjure you, by the regard you
ought to have to the eternal welfare of us both, as well as
by
the esteem and affection you profess, to war with your
unruly
inclination, and desist from all attempts of frustrating the
laudable resolution I have made. Seek not to invade the
peace
of one who loves you, to disturb the quiet of a family that
never did you wrong, and to alienate the thoughts of a weak
woman from a deserving man, who, by the most sacred claim,
ought to have the full possession of her heart."
This billet, without either date or subscription,
banished all remains of discretion from the mind of our
hero, who ran instantly to the landlord in all the ecstasy
of madness, and demanded to see the messenger who brought
the letter on pain of putting his whole family to the sword.
The innkeeper, terrified by his looks and menaces, fell upon
his knees, protesting in the face of Heaven that he was
utterly ignorant and innocent of anything that could give
him offence, and that the billet was brought by a person
whom he did not know, and who retired immediately, saying it
required no answer. He then gave utterance to his fury in a
thousand imprecations and invectives against the writer,
whom he dishonoured with the appellations of a coquette, a
jilt, an adventurer, who, by means of a pimping priest, had
defrauded him of his money. He denounced vengeance against
the mendicant, whom he swore he would destroy if ever he
should set eyes on him again.
The painter unluckily appearing during this paroxysm of
rage, he seized him by the throat, saying he was ruined by
his accursed folly; and in all likelihood poor Pallet would
have been strangled had not Jolter interposed in his behalf,
beseeching his pupil to have mercy upon the sufferer, and,
with infinite anxiety, desiring to know the cause of this
violent assault. He received no answer but a string of
incoherent curses. When the painter, with unspeakable
astonishment, took God to witness that he had done nothing
to disoblige him, the governor began to think, in sad
earnest, that Peregrine's vivacity had at length risen to
the transports of actual madness, and was himself almost
distracted with this supposition. That he might the better
judge what remedy ought to be applied, he used his whole
influence, and practised all his eloquence upon the youth,
in order to learn the immediate cause of his delirium. He
employed the most pathetic entreaties, and even shed tears
in the course of his supplication; so that Pickle, the first
violence of the hurricane being blown over, was ashamed of
his own imprudence, and retired to his chamber in order to
recollect his dissipated thoughts; there he shut himself up,
and for the second time perusing the fatal epistle, began to
waver in his opinion of the author's character and
intention. He sometimes considered her as one of those
nymphs, who, under the mask of innocence and simplicity,
practise upon the hearts and purses of unwary and
inexperienced youths: this was the suggestion of his wrath
inflamed by disappointment; but when he reflected upon the
circumstances of her behaviour, and recalled her particular
charms to his imagination, the severity of his censure gave
way and his heart declared in favour of her sincerity.
Yet even this consideration aggravated the sense of his
loss, and he was in danger of relapsing into his former
distraction, when his passion was a little becalmed by the
hope of seeing her again, either by accident or in the
course of a diligent and minute inquiry, which he forthwith
resolved to set on foot. He had reason to believe that her
own heart would espouse his cause in spite of her virtue's
determination; and did not despair of meeting with the
Capuchin, whose good offices he knew he could at any time
command. Comforted with these reflections, the tempest of
his soul subsided. In less than two hours he joined his
company with an air of composure, and asked the painter's
forgiveness for the freedom he had taken, the cause of which
he promised hereafter to explain. Pallet was glad of being
reconciled on any terms to one whose countenance supported
him in equilibrio with his antagonist the doctor; and Mr.
Jolter was rejoiced beyond measure at his pupil's recovery.
CHAPTER LIX.
Peregrine meets with Mrs. Hornbeck, and is consoled for his
Loss—His Valet-de-chambre is embroiled with her Duenna,
whom, however, he finds means to appease.
Everything having thus resumed its natural channel, they
dined together in great tranquility. In the afternoon,
Peregrine, on pretence of staying at home to write letters,
while his companions were at the coffee-house, ordered a
coach to be called, and, with his valet-de-chambre, who was
the only person acquainted with the present state of his
thoughts, set out for the promenade, to which all the ladies
of fashion resort in the evening during the summer season,
in hopes of seeing his fugitive among the rest.
Having made a circuit round the walk, and narrowly
observed every female in the place, he perceived at some
distance the livery of Hornbeck upon a lacquey that stood at
the back of a coach; upon which he ordered his man to
reconnoitre the said carriage, while he pulled up his
glasses, that he might not be discovered before he should
have received some intelligence by which he might conduct
himself on this unexpected occasion, that already began to
interfere with the purpose of his coming thither, though it
could not dispute his attention with the idea of his
charming unknown.
His Mercury, having made his observations, reported that
there was nobody in the coach but Mrs. Hornbeck and an
elderly woman, who had all the air of a duenna; and that the
servant was not the same footman who had attended them in
France. Encouraged by this information, our hero ordered
himself to be driven close up to that side of their
convenience on which his old mistress sat, and accosted her
with the usual salutation. This lady no sooner beheld her
gallant than her cheeks reddened with a double glow, and she
exclaimed, "Dear brother, I am overjoyed to see you! Pray
come into our coach." He took the hint immediately, and,
complying with her request, embraced this new sister with
great affection.
Perceiving that her attendant was very much surprised and
alarmed at this unexpected meeting, she, in order to banish
her suspicion, and at the same time give her lover his cue,
told him that his brother (meaning her husband) was gone to
the Spa for a few weeks, by the advice of physicians, on
account of his ill state of health; and that, from his last
letter, she had the pleasure to tell him he was in a fair
way of doing well. The young gentleman expressed his
satisfaction at this piece of news; observing, with an air
of fraternal concern, that if his brother had not made too
free with his constitution, his friends in England would
have had no occasion to repine at his absence and want of
health, by which he was banished from his own country and
connections. He then asked, with an affectation of surprise,
why she had not accompanied her spouse, and was given to
understand that his tenderness of affection would not suffer
him to expose her to the fatigues of the journey, which lay
among rocks that were almost inaccessible.
The duenna's doubts being eased by this preamble of
conversation, he changed the subject to the pleasures of the
place; and, among other such questions, inquired if she had
as yet visited Versailles. This is a public-house, situated
upon the canal, at the distance of about two miles from
town, and accommodated with tolerable gardens, for the
entertainment of company. When she replied in the negative,
he proposed to accompany her thither immediately; but the
governante, who had hitherto sat silent, objected to this
proposal; telling them, in broken English, that as the lady
was under her care, she could not answer to Mr. Hornbeck for
allowing her to visit such a suspicious place. "As for that
matter, madam," said the confident gallant, "give yourself
no trouble; the consequences shall be at my peril; and I
will undertake to insure you against my brother's
resentment." So saying, he directed the coachman to the
place, and ordered his own to follow, under the auspices of
his valet-de-chambre; while the old gentlewoman, overruled
by his assurance, quietly submitted to his authority.
Being arrived at the place, he handed the ladies from the
coach, and then, for the first time, observed that the
duenna was lame, a circumstance of which he did not scruple
to take the advantage; for they had scarce alighted, and
drunk a glass of wine, when he advised his sister to enjoy a
walk in the garden; and although the attendant made shift to
keep them almost always in view, they enjoyed a detached
conversation, in which Peregrine learned that the true cause
of her being left behind at Brussels, whilst her husband
proceeded to Spa, was his dread of the company and
familiarities of that place, to which his jealousy durst not
expose her; and that she had lived three weeks in a convent
at Lisle, from which she was delivered by his own free
motion, because indeed he could no longer exist without her
company; and, lastly, our lover understood that her
governante was a mere dragon, who had been recommended to
him by a Spanish merchant, whose wife she attended to her
dying day; but she very much questioned whether or not her
fidelity was proof enough against money and strong waters.
Peregrine assured her the experiment should be tried before
parting; and they agreed to pass the night at Versailles,
provided his endeavours should succeed.
Having exercised themselves in this manner, until his
duenna's spirits were pretty much exhausted, that she might
be the be the better disposed to recruit them with a glass
of liqueur, they returned to their apartment, and the
cordial was recommended and received in a bumper; but as it
did not produce such a visible alteration as the sanguine
hopes of Pickle had made him expect, and the old gentlewoman
observed that it began to be late, and that the gates would
be shut in a little time, he filled up a parting glass, and
pledged her in equal quantity. Her blood was too much
chilled to be warmed even by this extraordinary dose, which
made immediate innovation in the brain of our youth, who, in
the gaiety of his imagination, overwhelmed this she-Argus
with such profusion of gallantry, that she was more
intoxicated with his expressions than with the spirits she
had drunk. When in the course of toying he dropped a purse
into her bosom, she seemed to forget how the night wore,
and, with the approbation of her charge, assented to his
proposal of having something for supper.
This was a great point which our adventurer had gained;
and yet he plainly perceived that the governante mistook his
meaning, by giving herself credit for all the passion he had
professed. As this error could be rectified by no other
means than those of plying her with the bottle, until her
distinguishing faculties should be overpowered, he promoted
a quick circulation. She did him justice, without any
manifest signs of inebriation, so long, that his own eyes
began to reel in the sockets, and he found that before his
scheme could be accomplished, he should be effectually
unfitted for all the purposes of love. He therefore had
recourse to his valet-de-chambre, who understood the hint as
soon as it was given, and readily undertook to perform the
part of which his master had played the prelude. This affair
being settled to his satisfaction, and the night at odds
with morning, he took an opportunity of imparting to the ear
of this aged dulcinea a kind whisper, importing a promise of
visiting her when his sister should be retired to her own
chamber, and an earnest desire of leaving her door unlocked.
This agreeable intimation being communicated, he conveyed
a caution of the same nature to Mrs. Hornbeck, as he led her
to her apartment; and darkness and silence no sooner
prevailed in the house, than he and his trusted squire set
out on their different voyages. Everything would have
succeeded according to their wish, had not the
valet-de-chambre suffered himself to fall asleep at the side
of his inamorata, and, in the agitation of a violent dream,
exclaimed in a voice so unlike that of her supposed adorer,
that she distinguished the difference at once. Waking him
with a pinch and a loud shriek, she threatened to prosecute
him for a rape, and reviled him with all the epithets her
rage and disappointment could suggest.
The Frenchman, finding himself detected, behaved with
great temper and address: he begged she would compose
herself, on account of her own reputation, which was
extremely dear to him; protesting that he had a most
inviolable esteem for her person. His representations had
weight with the duenna, who, upon recollection, comprehended
the whole affair, and thought it would be her interest to
bring matters to an accommodation. She therefore admitted
the apologies of her bed-fellow, provided he would promise
to atone by marriage for the injury she had sustained; and
in this particular he set her heart at ease by repeated
vows, which he uttered with surprising volubility, though
without any intention to perform the least title of their
contents.
Peregrine, who had been alarmed by her exclamation, and
ran to the door with a view of interposing according to the
emergency of the case, overhearing the affair thus
compromised, returned to his mistress, who was highly
entertained with an account of what had passed, foreseeing
that for the future she should be under no difficulty or
restriction from the severity of her guard.
CHAPTER LX.
Hornbeck is informed of his Wife's Adventure with Peregrine,
for whom he prepares a Stratagem, which is rendered
ineffectual by the Information of Pipes—The Husband is
ducked for his Intention, and our Hero apprehended by the
Patrol.
There was another person, however, still ungained; and
that was no other than her footman, whose secrecy our hero
attempted to secure in the morning by a handsome present,
which he received with many professions of gratitude and
devotion to his service; yet this complaisance was nothing
but a cloak used to disguise the design he harboured of
making his master acquainted with the whole transaction.
Indeed this lacquey had been hired, not only as a spy upon
his mistress, but also as a check on the conduct of the
governante, with promise of ample reward if ever he should
discover any sinister or suspicious practices in the course
of her behaviour. As for the footman whom they had brought
from England, he was retained in attendance upon the person
of his master, whose confidence he had lost by advising him
to gentle methods of reclaiming his lady, when her
irregularities had subjected her to his wrath.
The Flemish valet, in consequence of the office he had
undertaken, wrote to Hornbeck by the first post, giving an
exact detail of the adventure at Versailles, with such a
description of the pretended brother as left the husband no
room to think he could be any other person than his first
dishonourer; and exasperated him to such a degree, that he
resolved to lay an ambush for this invader, and at once
disqualify him from disturbing his repose, by maintaining
further correspondence with his wife.
Meanwhile the lovers enjoyed themselves without
restraint, and Peregrine's plan of inquiry after his dear
unknown was for the present postponed. His fellow-travellers
were confounded at his mysterious motions, which filled the
heart of Jolter with anxiety and terror. This careful
conductor was fraught with such experience of his pupil's
disposition, that he trembled with the apprehension of some
sudden accident, and lived in continual alarm, like a man
that walks under the wall of a nodding tower. Nor did he
enjoy any alleviations of his fears, when, upon telling the
young gentleman that the rest of the company were desirous
of departing for Antwerp, he answered, they were at liberty
to consult their own inclinations; but, for his own part, he
was resolved to stay in Brussels a few days longer. By this
declaration the governor was confirmed in the opinion of his
having some intrigue upon the anvil. In the bitterness of
his vexation, he took the liberty of signifying his
suspicion, and reminding him of the dangerous dilemmas to
which he had been reduced by his former precipitation.
Peregrine took his caution in good part, and promised to
behave with such circumspection as would screen him from any
troublesome consequences for the future: but, nevertheless,
behaved that same evening in such a manner as plainly showed
that his prudence was nothing else than vain speculation. He
had made an appointment to spend the night, as usual, with
Mrs. Hornbeck; and about nine o'clock hastened to her
lodgings, when he was accosted in the street by his old
discarded friend Thomas Pipes, who, without any other
preamble, told him, that for all he had turned him adrift,
he did not choose to see him run full sail into his enemy's
harbour, without giving him timely notice of the danger.
"I'll tell you what," said he; "mayhap you think I want to
curry favour, that I may be taken in tow again; if you do,
you have made a mistake in your reckoning. I am old enough
to be laid up, and have to keep my planks from the weather.
But this here is the affair: I have known you since you were
no higher than a marlinspike, and shouldn't care to see you
deprived of your rigging at these years; whereby I am
informed by Hornbeck's man, whom I this afternoon fell in
with by chance, as how his master has got intelligence of
your boarding his wife, and has steered privately into this
port with a large complement of hands, in order, d'ye see,
to secure you while you are under the hatches. Now, if so be
as how you have a mind to give him a salt eel for his
supper, here am I, without hope of fee or reward, ready to
stand by you as long as my timbers will stick together: and
if I expect any recompense, may I be bound to eat oakum and
drink bilge-water for life."
Startled at this information, Peregrine examined him upon
the particulars of his discourse with the lacquey; and when
he understood that Hornbeck's intelligence flowed from the
canal of his Flemish footman, he believed every circumstance
of Tom's report, thanked him for his warning, and, after
having reprimanded him for his misbehaviour at Lisle,
assured him that it should be his own fault if ever they
should part again. He then deliberated with himself whether
or not he should retort the purpose upon his adversary; but
when he considered that Hornbeck was not the aggressor, and
made that unhappy husband's case his own, he could not help
quitting his intention of revenge; though, in his opinion,
it ought to have been executed in a more honourable manner,
and therefore he determined to chastise him for his want of
spirit. Nothing surely can be more insolent and unjust than
this determination, which induced him to punish a person for
his want of courage to redress the injury which he himself
had done to his reputation and peace; and yet this barbarity
of decision is authorised by the opinion and practice of
mankind.
With these sentiments he returned to the inn, and,
putting a pair of pistols in his pocket, ordered his
valet-de-chambre and Pipes to follow him at a small
distance, so as that they should be within call in case of
necessity, and then posted himself within thirty yards of
his dulcinea's door. There he had not been above half an
hour, when he perceived four men take their station on the
other side, with a view, as he guessed, to watch for his
going in, that he might be taken unaware. But when they had
tarried a considerable time in that corner, without reaping
the fruits of their expectation, their leader, persuaded
that the gallant had gained admittance by some secret means,
approached the door with his followers, who, according to
the instructions they had received, no sooner saw it opened,
than they rushed in, leaving their employer in the street,
where he thought his person would be least endangered. Our
adventurer, seeing him all alone, advanced with speed, and
clapping a pistol to his breast, commanded him to follow his
footsteps without noise, on pain of immediate death.
Terrified at this sudden apparition, Hornbeck obeyed in
silence; and, in a few minutes, they arrived at the quay,
where Pickle, halting, gave him to understand that he was no
stranger to his villainous design; told him, that if he
conceived himself injured by any circumstance of his
conduct, he would now give him an opportunity of resenting
the wrong in a manner becoming a man of honour. "You have a
sword about you," said he; "or, if you don't choose to put
the affair on that issue, here is a brace of pistols; take
which you please." Such an address could not fail to
disconcert a man of his character. After some hesitation,
he, in a faltering accent, denied that his design was to
mutilate Mr. Pickle, but that he thought himself entitled to
the benefit of the law, by which he would have obtained a
divorce, if he could have procured evidence of his wife's
infidelity; and, with that view, he had employed people to
take advantage of the information he had received. With
regard to this alternative, he declined it entirely, because
he could not see what satisfaction he should enjoy in being
shot through the head, or run through the lungs, by a person
who had already wronged him in an irreparable manner.
Lastly, his fear made him propose that the affair should be
left to the arbitration of two creditable men, altogether
unconcerned in the dispute.
To these remonstrances Peregrine replied, in the style of
a hot-headed young man, conscious of his own unjustifiable
behaviour, that every gentleman ought to be a judge of his
own honour and therefore he would submit to the decision of
no umpire whatsoever; that he would forgive his want of
courage, which might be a natural infirmity, but his mean
dissimulation he could not pardon. That, as he was certified
of the rascally intent of his ambuscade by undoubted
intelligence, he would treat him, not with a retaliation of
his own treachery, but with such indignity as a scoundrel
deserves to suffer, unless he would make one effort to
maintain the character he assumed in life. So saying, he
again presented his pistols, which being rejected as before,
he called his two ministers, and ordered them to duck him in
the canal.
This command was pronounced and executed almost in the
same breath, to the unspeakable terror and disorder of the
poor shivering patient, who, having undergone the immersion,
ran about like a drowned rat, squeaking for assistance and
revenge. His cries were overheard by the patrol, who,
chancing to pass that way, took him under their protection,
and, in consequence of his complaint and information, went
in pursuit of our adventurer and his attendants, who were
soon overtaken and surrounded. Rash and inconsiderate as the
young gentleman was, he did not pretend to stand upon the
defensive against a file of musketeers, although Pipes had
drawn his cutlass at their approach, but surrendered himself
without opposition, and was conveyed to the main guard,
where the commanding officer, engaged by his appearance and
address, treated him with all imaginable respect. Hearing
the particulars of his adventure, he assured him that the
prince would consider the whole as a tour de jeunesse, and
order him to be released without delay.
Next morning, when this gentleman gave in his report, he
made such a favourable representation of the prisoner, that
our hero was on the point of being discharged, when Hornbeck
preferred a complaint, accusing him of a purposed
assassination, and praying that such punishment should be
inflicted upon him as his highness should think adequate to
the nature of the crime. The prince, perplexed with this
petition, in consequence of which he foresaw that he must
disoblige a British subject, sent for the plaintiff, of whom
he had some knowledge, and, in person, exhorted him to drop
the prosecution, which would only serve to propagate his own
shame. But Hornbeck was too much incensed to listen to any
proposal of that kind, and peremptorily demanded justice
against the prisoner, whom he represented as an obscure
adventurer, who had made repeated attempts upon his honour
and his life. Prince Charles told him, that what he had
advised was in the capacity of a friend; but, since he
insisted upon his acting as a magistrate, the affair should
be examined, and determined according to the dictates of
justice and truth.
The petitioner being dismissed with this promise, the
defendant was, in his turn, brought before the judge, whose
prepossession in his favour was in a great measure weakened
by what his antagonist had said to the prejudice of his
birth and reputation.
CHAPTER LXI.
Peregrine is released—Jolter confounded at his mysterious
Conduct—A Contest happens between the Poet and Painter, who
are reconciled by the Mediation of their Fellow-Travellers.
Our hero, understanding from some expressions which
escaped the prince, that he was considered in the light of a
sharper and assassin, begged that he might have the liberty
of sending for some vouchers, that would probably vindicate
his character from the malicious aspersions of his
adversary. This permission being granted, he wrote a letter
to his governor, desiring that he would bring to him the
letters of recommendation which he had received from the
British ambassador at Paris, and such other papers as he
thought conducive to evince the importance of his situation.
The billet was given in charge to one of the subaltern
officers on duty, who carried it to the inn, and demanded to
speak with Mr. Jolter. Pallet, who happened to be at the
door when this messenger arrived, and heard him inquire for
the tutor, ran directly to that gentleman's apartment, and
in manifest disorder, told him that a huge fellow of a
soldier, with a monstrous pair of whiskers, and fur cap as
big as a bushel, was asking for him at the door. The poor
governor began to shake at this intimation, though he was
not conscious of having committed anything that could
attract the attention of the state. When the officer
appeared at his chamber door, his confusion increased to
such a degree, that his perception seemed to vanish, and the
subaltern repeated the purport of his errand three times,
before he could comprehend his meaning, or venture to
receive the letter which he presented. At length he summoned
all his fortitude, and having perused the epistle, his
terror sank into anxiety. His ingenuous fear immediately
suggested, that Peregrine was confined in a dungeon, for
some outrage he had committed. He ran with great agitation
to a trunk, and, taking out a bundle of papers, followed his
conductor, being attended by the painter, to whom he had
hinted his apprehension.
When they passed through the guard, which was under arms,
the hearts of both died within them; and when they came into
the presence, there was such an expression of awful horror
on the countenance of Jolter, that the prince, observing his
dismay, was pleased to encourage him with an assurance that
he had nothing to fear. Thus comforted, he recollected
himself so well as to understand his pupil, when he desired
him to produce the ambassador's letters; some of which being
open, were immediately read by his highness, who was
personally acquainted with the writer, and knew several of
the noblemen to whom they were addressed. These
recommendations were so warm, and represented the young
gentleman in such an advantageous light, that the prince,
convinced of the injustice his character had suffered by the
misrepresentation of Hornbeck, took our hero by the hand,
asked pardon for the doubts he had entertained of his
honour, declared him from that moment at liberty, ordered
his domestics to be enlarged, and offered him his
countenance and protection as long as he should remain in
the Austrian Netherlands. At the same time, he cautioned him
against indiscretion in the course of his gallantries; and
took his word of honour, that he should drop all measures of
resentment against the person of Hornbeck during his
residence in that place.
The delinquent, thus honourably acquitted, thanked the
prince in the most respectful manner for his generosity and
candour, and retired with his two friends, who were amazed
and bewildered in their thoughts at what they had seen and
heard, the whole adventure still remaining without the
sphere of their comprehension, which was not at all enlarged
by the unaccountable appearance of Pipes, who, with the
valet-de-chambre, joined them at the castle gate. Had Jolter
been a man of a luxuriant imagination, his brain would
undoubtedly have suffered in the investigation of his
pupil's mysterious conduct, which he strove in vain to
unravel; but his intellects were too solid to be affected by
the miscarriage of his invention; and, as Peregrine did not
think proper to make him acquainted with the cause of his
being apprehended, he contented himself with supposing that
there was a lady in the case.
The painter, whose imagination was of a more flimsy
texture, formed a thousand chimerical conjectures, which he
communicated to Pickle, in imperfect insinuations, hoping,
by his answers and behaviour, to discover the truth: but the
youth, in order to tantalise him, eluded all his inquiries,
with such appearance of industry and art, as heightened his
curiosity, while it disappointed his aim, and inflamed him
to such a degree of impatience, that his wits began to be
unsettled: then Peregrine was fain to recompose his brain,
by telling him in confidence, that he had been arrested as a
spy. This secret he found more intolerable than his former
uncertainty. He ran from one apartment to another, like a
goose in the agonies of egg-laying, with intention of
disburdening this important load; but Jolter being engaged
with the pupil, and all the people of the house ignorant of
the only language he could speak, he was compelled, with
infinite reluctance, to address himself to the doctor, who
was at that time shut up in his own chamber. Having knocked
at the door to no purpose, he peeped through the key-hole,
and saw the physician sitting at a table, with a pen in one
hand, and paper before him, his head reclined upon his other
hand, and his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, as if he had been
entranced. Pallet, concluding that he was under the power of
some convulsion, endeavoured to force the door open, and the
noise of his efforts recalled the doctor from his reverie.
This poetical republican, being so disagreeably
disturbed, started up in a passion, and, opening the door,
no sooner perceived who had interrupted him, than he flung
it in his face with great fury, and cursed him for his
impertinent intrusion, which had deprived him of the most
delightful vision that ever regaled the human fancy. He
imagined, as he afterwards imparted to Peregrine, that, as
he enjoyed himself in walking through the flowery plain that
borders on Parnassus, he was met by a venerable sage, whom,
by a certain divine vivacity that lightened from his eyes,
he instantly knew to be the immortal Pindar. He was
immediately struck with reverence and awe, and prostrated
himself before the apparition, which, taking him by the
hand, lifted him gently from the ground and, with words more
sweet than the honey of the Hybla bees, told him, that, of
all the moderns, he alone was visited by that celestial
impulse by which he himself had been inspired, when he
produced his most applauded odes. So saying, he led him up
the sacred hill, persuaded him to drink a copious draught of
the waters of the Hippocrene, and then presented him to the
harmonious Nine, who crowned his temples with a laurel
wreath.
No wonder that he was enraged to find himself cut off
from such sublime society. He raved in Greek against the
invader, who was so big with his own purpose, that,
unmindful of the disgrace he had sustained, and disregarding
all the symptoms of the physician's displeasure, he applied
his mouth to the door, in an eager tone. "I'll hold you any
wager," said he, "that I guess the true cause of Mr.
Pickle's imprisonment." To this challenge he received no
reply, and therefore repeated it, adding, "I suppose you
imagine he was taken up for fighting a duel, or affronting a
nobleman, or lying with some man's wife, or some such
matter: but, egad! you was never more mistaken in your life;
and I'll lay my Cleopatra against your Homer's head, that in
four-and-twenty hours you shan't light on the true reason."
The favourite of the muses, exasperated at this vexatious
perseverance of the painter, who he imagined had come to
tease and insult him, "I would," said he, "sacrifice a cock
to Esculapius, were I assured that any person had been taken
up for extirpating such a troublesome Goth as you are from
the face of the earth. As for your boasted Cleopatra, which
you say was drawn from your own wife, I believe the copy has
as much of the to kalon as the original: but, were it mine,
it should be hung up in the Temple of Cloacina, as the
picture of that goddess; for any other apartment would be
disgraced by its appearance."—"Hark ye, sir," replied
Pallet, enraged in his turn at the contemptuous mention of
his darling performance, "you may make as free with my wife
as you think proper, but 'ware my works; those are the
children of my fancy, conceived by the glowing imagination,
and formed by the art of my own hands: and you yourself are
a Goth, and a Turk, and a Tartar, and an impudent pretending
jackanapes, to treat with such disrespect a production
which, in the opinion of all the connoisseurs of the age,
will, when finished, be a masterpiece in its kind, and do
honour to human genius and skill. So I say again and again,
and I care not though your friend Playtor heard me, that you
have no more taste than a drayman's horse, and that those
foolish notions of the ancients ought to be drubbed out of
you with a pod cudgel, that you might learn to treat men of
parts with more veneration. Perhaps you may not always be in
the company of one who will halloo for assistance when you
are on the brink of being chastised for your insolence, as I
did, when you brought upon yourself the resentment of that
Scot, who, by the Lord! would have paid you both scot and
lot, as Falstaff says, if the French officer had not put him
in arrest."
The physician, to this declamation, which was conveyed
through the key-hole, answered, that he (the painter) was a
fellow so infinitely below his consideration, that his
conscience upbraided him with no action of his life, except
that of choosing such a wretch for his companion and
fellow-traveller. That he had viewed his character through
the medium of good-nature and compassion, which had prompted
him to give Pallet an opportunity of acquiring some new
ideas under his immediate instruction; but he had abused his
goodness and condescension in such a flagrant manner, that
he was now determined to discard him entirely from his
acquaintance; and desired him, for the present, to take
himself away, on pain of being kicked for his presumption.
Pallet was too much incensed to be intimidated by this
threat, which he retorted with great virulence, defying him
to come forth, that it might appear which of them was best
skilled in that pedestrian exercise, which he immediately
began to practise against the door with such thundering
application, as reached the ears of Pickle and his governor,
who coming out into the passage, and seeing him thus
employed, asked if he had forgot the chamber-pots of Alost,
that he ventured to behave in such a manner as entitled him
to a second prescription of the same nature.
The doctor, understanding that there was company at hand,
opened the door in a twinkling, and, springing upon his
antagonist like a tiger, a fierce contention would have
ensued, to the infinite satisfaction of our hero, had not
Jolter, to the manifest peril of his own person, interposed,
and partly by force, and partly by exhortations, put a stop
to the engagement before it was fairly begun. After having
demonstrated the indecency of such a vulgar rencontre,
betwixt two fellow-citizens in a foreign land, he begged to
know the cause of their dissension, and offered his good
offices towards an accommodation. Peregrine also, seeing the
fray was finished, expressed himself to the same purpose;
and the painter, for obvious reasons, declining an
explanation, his antagonist told the youth what a mortifying
interruption he had suffered by the impertinent intrusion of
Pallet, and gave him a detail of the particulars of his
vision, as above recited. The arbiter owned the provocation
was not to be endured; and decreed that the offender should
make some atonement for his transgression. Upon which the
painter observed, that, however he might have been disposed
to make acknowledgments, if the physician had signified his
displeasure like a gentleman, the complainant had now
forfeited all claim to any such concessions, by the vulgar
manner in which he had reviled him and his productions;
observing, that, if he (the painter) had been inclined to
retort his slanderous insinuations, the republican's own
works would have afforded ample subject for his ridicule and
censure.
After divers disputes and representations, peace was at
length concluded, on condition, that, for the future, the
doctor should never mention Cleopatra, unless he could say
something in her praise; and that Pallet, in consideration
of his having been the first aggressor, should make a sketch
of the physician's vision, to be engraved and prefixed to
the next edition of his odes.
CHAPTER LXII.
The Travellers depart for Antwerp, at which place the
Painter gives a loose to his Enthusiasm.
Our adventurer, baffled in all his efforts to retrieve
his lost Amanda, yielded at length to the remonstrances of
his governor and fellow-travellers, who, out of pure
complaisance to him, had exceeded their intended stay by six
days at least; and a couple of post-chaises, with three
riding-horses, being hired, they departed from Brussels in
the morning, dined at Mechlin, and arrived about eight in
the evening at the venerable city of Antwerp. During this
day's journey Pallet was elevated to an uncommon flow of
spirits, with the prospect of seeing the birthplace of
Rubens, for whom he professed an enthusiastic admiration. He
swore, that the pleasure he felt was equal to that of a
Mussulman, on the last day of his pilgrimage to Mecca; and
that he already considered himself a native of Antwerp,
being so intimately acquainted with their so justly boasted
citizen, from whom, at certain junctures, he could not help
believing himself derived, because his own pencil adopted
the manner of that great man with surprising facility, and
his face wanted nothing but a pair of whiskers and a beard,
to exhibit the express image of the Fleming's countenance.
He told them he was so proud of this resemblance, that, in
order to render it more striking, he had, at one time of his
life, resolved to keep his face sacred from the razor; and
in that purpose had persevered, notwithstanding the
continual reprehensions of Mrs. Pallet, (who, being then
with child), said, his aspect was so hideous, that she
dreaded a miscarriage every hour, until she threatened in
plain terms, to dispute the sanity of his intellects, and
apply to the chancellor for a committee.
The doctor, on this occasion, observed, that a man who is
not proof against the solicitations of a woman, can never
expect to make a great figure in life; that painters and
poets ought to cultivate no wives but the Muses; or, if they
are by the accidents of fortune encumbered with families,
they should carefully guard against that pernicious
weakness, falsely honoured with the appellation of natural
affection, and pay no manner of regard to the impertinent
customs of the world. "Granting that you had been for a
short time deemed a lunatic," said he, "you might have
acquitted yourself honourably of that imputation, by some
performance that would have raised your character above all
censure. Sophocles himself, that celebrated tragic poet,
who, for the sweetness of his versification, was styled
Melitta, or "the Bee," in his old age, suffered the same
accusation from his own children, who, seeing him neglect
his family affairs, and devote himself entirely to poetry,
carried him before the magistrate, as a man whose intellects
were so much impaired by the infirmities of age, that he was
no longer fit to manage his domestic concerns; upon which
the reverend bard produced his tragedy of Oidipus epi
Kolono, as a work he had just finished; which being perused,
instead of being declared unsound of understanding, he was
dismissed with admiration and applause. I wish your beard
and whiskers had been sanctioned by the like authority;
though I am afraid you would have been in the predicament of
those disciples of a certain philosopher, who drank
decoctions of cummin seeds, that their faces might adopt the
paleness of their master's complexion, hoping that, in being
as wan, they would be as learned as their teacher." The
painter, stung by this sarcasm, replied, "or like those
virtuosi, who, by repeating Greek, eating sillikicaby, and
pretending to see visions, think they equal the ancients in
taste and genius." The physician retorted, Pallet rejoined,
and the altercation continued until they entered the gates
of Antwerp, when the admirer of Rubens broke forth into a
rapturous exclamation, which put an end to the dispute and
attracted the notice of the inhabitants, many of whom by
shrugging up their shoulders and pointing to their
foreheads, gave shrewd indications that they believed him a
poor gentleman disordered in his brain.
They had no sooner alighted at the inn, than this
pseudo-enthusiast proposed to visit the great church, in
which he had been informed some of his master's pieces were
to be seen, and was remarkably chagrined, when he understood
that he could not be admitted till next day. He rose next
morning by day-break, and disturbed his fellow-travellers in
such a noisy and clamorous manner, that Peregrine determined
to punish him with some new infliction, and, while he put on
his clothes, actually formed the plan of promoting a duel
between him and the doctor, in the management of which, he
promised himself store of entertainment, from the behaviour
of both.
Being provided with one of those domestics who are always
in waiting to offer their services to strangers on their
first arrival, they were conducted to the house of a
gentleman who had an excellent collection of pictures; and
though the greatest part of them were painted by his
favourite artist, Pallet condemned them all by the lump,
because Pickle had told him beforehand that there was not
one performance of Rubens among the number.
The next place they visited was what is called the
Academy of Painting, furnished with a number of paltry
pieces, in which our painter recognised the style of Peter
Paul, with many expressions of admiration, on the same sort
of previous intelligence.
From this repository, they went to the great church; and
being led to the tomb of Rubens, the whimsical painter fell
upon his knees, and worshipped with such appearance of
devotion, that the attendant, scandalized at his
superstition, pulled him up, observing, with great warmth,
that the person buried in that place was no saint, but as
great a sinner as himself; and that, if he was spiritually
disposed, there was a chapel of the Blessed Virgin, at the
distance of three yards on the right hand, to which he might
retire. He thought it was incumbent upon him to manifest
some extraordinary inspiration, while he resided on the spot
where Rubens was born; and, therefore, his whole behaviour
was an affectation of rapture, expressed in distracted
exclamations, convulsive starts, and uncouth gesticulations.
In the midst of this frantic behaviour, he saw an old
Capuchin, with a white beard, mount the pulpit, and hold
forth to the congregation with such violence of emphasis and
gesture, as captivated his fancy; and, bawling aloud,
"Zounds! what an excellent Paul preaching at Athens!" he
pulled a pencil and a small memorandum book from his pocket,
and began to take a sketch of the orator, with great
eagerness and agitation, saying "Egad! friend Raphael, we
shall see whether you or I have got the best knack at
trumping up an apostle." This appearance of disrespect gave
offence to the audience, who began to murmur against this
heretic libertine; when one of the priests belonging to the
choir, in order to prevent any ill consequence from their
displeasure, came and told him in the French language, that
such liberties were not permitted in their religion, and
advised him to lay aside his implements, lest the people
should take umbrage at his design, and be provoked to punish
him as a profane scoffer at their worship.
The painter, seeing himself addressed by a friar, who,
while he spoke, bowed with great complaisance, imagined that
he was a begging brother come to supplicate his charity; and
his attention being quite engrossed by the design he was
making, he patted the priest's shaven crown with his hand,
saying, Oter tems, oter tems, and then resumed his pencil
with great earnestness. The ecclesiastic, perceiving that
the stranger did not comprehend his meaning, pulled him by
the sleeve, and explained himself in the Latin tongue: upon
which Pallet, provoked at his intrusion, cursed him aloud
for an impudent beggarly son of a w—, and, taking out a
shilling, flung it upon the pavement, with manifest signs of
indignation.
Some of the common people, enraged to see their religion
contemned, and their priests insulted at the very altar,
rose from their seats, and, surrounding the astonished
painter, one of the number snatched his book from his hand,
and tore it into a thousand pieces. Frightened as he was, he
could not help crying "Fire and fagots! all my favourite
ideas are gone to wreck!" and was in danger of being very
roughly handled by the crowd, had not Peregrine stepped in,
and assured them, that he was a poor unhappy gentleman, who
laboured under a transport of the brain. Those who
understood the French language communicated this information
to the rest, so that he escaped without any other
chastisement than being obliged to retire. And as they could
not see the famous Descent from the Cross till after the
service was finished, they were conducted by their domestic
to the house of a painter, where they found a beggar
standing for his picture, and the artist actually employed
in representing a huge louse that crawled upon his shoulder.
Pallet was wonderfully pleased with this circumstance, which
he said was altogether a new thought, and an excellent hint,
of which he would make his advantage: and, in the course of
his survey of this Fleming's performances, perceiving a
piece in which two flies were engaged upon the carcass of a
dog half devoured, he ran to his brother brush, and swore he
was worthy of being a fellow-citizen of the immortal Rubens.
He then lamented, with many expressions of grief and
resentment, that he had lost his commonplace book, in which
he had preserved a thousand conceptions of the same sort,
formed by the accidental objects of his senses and
imagination; and took an opportunity of telling his
fellow-travellers, that in execution he had equalled, if not
excelled, the two ancient painters who had vied with each
other in the representation of a curtain and a bunch of
grapes; for he had exhibited the image of a certain object
so like to nature, that the bare sight of it set a whole
hog-sty in an uproar.
When he had examined and applauded all the productions of
this minute artist, they returned to the great church, and
were entertained with the view of that celebrated
masterpiece of Rubens, in which he has introduced the
portraits of himself and his whole family. The doors that
conceal this capital performance were no sooner unfolded,
than our enthusiast, debarred the use of speech, by a
previous covenant with his friend Pickle, lifted up his
hands and eyes, and putting himself in the attitude of
Hamlet, when his father's ghost appears, adored in silent
ecstasy and awe. He even made a merit of necessity; and,
when they had withdrawn from the place, protested that his
whole faculties were swallowed up in love and admiration. He
now professed himself more than ever enamoured of the
Flemish school, raved in extravagant encomiums, and proposed
that the whole company should pay homage to the memory of
the divine Rubens, by repairing forthwith to the house in
which he lived, and prostrating themselves on the floor of
his painting-room.
As there was nothing remarkable in the tenement, which
had been rebuilt more than once since the death of that
great man, Peregrine excused himself from complying with the
proposal, on pretence of being fatigued with the circuit
they had already performed. Jolter declined it for the same
reason; and the question being put to the doctor, he refused
his company with an air of disdain. Pallet, piqued at his
contemptuous manner, asked, "if he would not go and see the
habitation of Pindoor, provided he was in the city where
that poet lived?" and when the physician observed, that
there was an infinite difference between the men, "That I'll
allow," replied the painter, "for the devil a poet ever
lived in Greece or Troy, that was worthy to clean the
pencils of our beloved Rubens." The physician could not,
with any degree of temper and forbearance, hear this
outrageous blasphemy, for which, he said, Pallet's eyes
ought to be picked out by owls; and the dispute arose, as
usual, to such scurrilities of language, and indecency of
behaviour, that passengers began to take notice of their
animosity, and Peregrine was obliged to interpose for his
own credit.
CHAPTER LXIII.
Peregrine artfully foments a Quarrel between Pallet and the
Physician, who fight a Duel on the Ramparts.
The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish
Raphael, and the rest of the company went back to their
lodgings; where the young gentleman, taking the advantage of
being alone with the physician, recapitulated all the
affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance,
aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising
him, in the capacity of a friend, to take care of his
honour, which could not fail to suffer in the opinion of the
world, if he allowed himself to be insulted with impunity,
by one so much his inferior in every degree of
consideration.
The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto
escaped chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his
resentment, and in consideration of the wretch's family, for
which his compassion was interested; but that repeated
injuries would inflame the most benevolent disposition. And,
though he could find no precedent of duelling among the
Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the patterns of
demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of his
veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very
next offence he should commit.
Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from
which he could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the
incendiary with the other party also; giving him to
understand, that the physician treated his character with
such contempt, and behaved to him with such insolence, as no
gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own part, he was
every day put out of countenance by their mutual animosity,
which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more
becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and
education; and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to
his inclination, to break off all correspondence with them
both, if they would not fall upon some method to retrieve
the dignity of their characters.
These representations would have had little effect upon
the timidity of the painter, who was likewise too much of a
Grecian to approve of single combat, in any other way than
that of boxing, an exercise in which he was well skilled,
had they not been accompanied with an insinuation, that his
antagonist was no Hector, and that he might humble him into
any concession, without running the least personal risk.
Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the
trumpet of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his
life a rush, when his honour was concerned, and entreated
Mr. Pickle to be the bearer of a challenge, which he would
instantly commit to writing.
The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this
manifestation of courage, by which he was at liberty to
cultivate his friendship and society, but declined the
office of carrying the billet, that his tenderness of
Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted into an
officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time, he
recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger
on this occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field.
The magnanimous painter took his advice, and, retiring to
his chamber, penned a challenge in these terms:—
"Sir,—When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil
himself; much less—I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb,
nor an unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippethets
of
the vulgar; but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love
you
nor fear you; but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for
your
audacious behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will,
this
evening, in the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with
sword
and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of
us,
for your body shall find no favour with your incensed defier
till death,
"Layman Pallet."
This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to
the perusal, and honoured with the approbation of our youth,
was committed to the charge of Pipes, who, according to his
orders, delivered it in the afternoon; and brought for
answer, that the physician would attend him at the appointed
time and place. The challenger was evidently discomposed at
the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran about the
house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg his
further advice and assistance; but understanding that the
youth was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to
suspect some collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and
precipitation. He even entertained some thoughts of
retracting his invitation, and submitting to the triumph of
his antagonist: but before he would stoop to this
opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another
expedient, which might be the means of saving both his
character and person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter,
and very gravely desired he would be so good as to undertake
the office of his second in a duel which he was to fight
that evening with the physician.
The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in
expressing fear and concern, and breaking forth into
exclamations of "Good God! gentlemen, what d'ye mean? You
shall not murder one another while it is in my power to
prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor of
the place, who shall interpose his authority—I say—" instead
of these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter
heard the proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquility, and
excused himself from accepting the honour he intended for
him, on account of his character and situation, which would
not permit him to be concerned in any such rencontres.
Indeed, this mortifying reception was owing to a previous
hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption
from his governor, had made him acquainted with his design,
and assured him, that the affair should not be brought to
any dangerous issue.
Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was
overwhelmed with perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors
of death or mutilation, resolved to deprecate the wrath of
his enemy, and conform to any submission he should propose,
when he was accidentally encountered by our adventurer, who,
with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, told him in
confidence, that the billet had thrown the doctor into an
agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge
was a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the
ferocity of the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms
of accommodation; that he had imparted the letter to him
with fear and trembling, on pretence of engaging him as a
second, but, in reality, with a view of obtaining his good
offices in promoting a reconciliation; "but, perceiving the
situation of his mind," added our hero, "I thought it would
be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and
therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to
the field, in full assurance that he will there humble
himself before you, even to prostration. In this security,
you may go and prepare your arms, and bespeak the assistance
of Pipes, who will squire you in the field, while I keep
myself up, that our correspondence may not be suspected by
the physician." Pallet's spirits, that were sunk to
dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence
of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger, and
his pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints,
by his trusty armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching,
for the hour of battle.
On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at
his door, and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard
the voice of his antagonist pronounce, "Tell Mr. Pallet that
I am going to the place of appointment." The painter was not
a little surprised at this anticipation, which so ill agreed
with the information he had received from Pickle; and his
concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself with a
large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the
anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the
expedition with his second, betwixt whom and himself the
following dialogue passed, in their way to the ramparts.
"Mr. Pipes," said the painter, with disordered accent,
"methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that
message of his."—"Ey, ey," answered Tom, "I do suppose he
longs to be foul of you."—"What," replied the other, "d'ye
think he thirsts after my blood?"—"To be sure a does," said
Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco in his check, with
great deliberation. "If that be the case," cried Pallet,
beginning to shake, "he is no better than a cannibal, and no
Christian ought to fight him on equal footing." Tom
observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of indignation,
saying, "You an't afraid, are you?"—"God forbid," replied
the challenger, stammering with fear; "what should I be
afraid of? The worst he can do is to take my life, and then
he'll be answerable both to God and man for the murder.
Don't you think he will?"—"I think no such matter," answered
the second; "if so be as how he puts a brace of bullets
through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more
murder than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main
top-sail yard."
By this time Pallet's teeth chattered with such violence,
that he could scarce pronounce this reply: "Mr. Thomas, you
seem to make very light of a man's life; but I trust in the
Almighty. I shall not be so easily brought down. Sure many a
man has fought a duel without losing his life. Do you
imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of
my adversary?"—"You may or you may not," said the
unconcerned Pipes, "just as it happens. What then? Death is
a debt that every man owes, according to the song; and if
you set foot to foot, I think one of you must go to
pot."—"Foot to foot!" exclaimed the terrified painter:
"that's downright butchery; and I'll be d— before I fight
any man on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me
to be a savage beast?" This declaration he made while they
ascended the ramparts.
His attendant perceiving the physician and his second at
the distance of a hundred paces before them, gave him notice
of their appearance, and advised him to make ready, and
behave like a man. Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal his
panic, which discovered itself in a universal trepidation of
body, and the lamentable tone in which he answered this
exhortation of Pipes, saying, "I do behave like a man; but
you would have me act the part of a brute. Are they coming
this way?" When Tom told him that they had faced about, and
admonished him to advance, the nerves of his arm refused
their office, he could not hold out his pistol, and instead
of going forward, retreated with an insensibility of motion;
till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set his own back to
that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an inch
farther in that direction.
While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master
enjoyed the terrors of the physician, which were more
ridiculous than those of Pallet, because he was more intent
upon disguising them. His declaration to Pickle in the
morning would not suffer him to start any objections when he
received the challenge; and finding that the young gentleman
made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather
congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the
painter's billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique
hints, and general reflections upon the absurdity of
duelling, which was first introduced among civilised nations
by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He likewise pretended
to ridicule the use of firearms, which confounded all the
distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant
of the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess.
Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but,
at the same time, represented the necessity of complying
with the customs of this world, ridiculous as they were, on
which a man's honour and reputation depend: so that, seeing
no hopes of profiting by that artifice, the republican's
agitation became more and more remarkable; and he proposed,
in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, like the
combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable that
they should practise the manner of fighting, since they
adopted the disposition of those iron times.
Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero
than the sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he
wished that he had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where
he could have hired the armour of Charles the Fifth, and the
valiant Duke of Parma, for their accommodation; but as there
was no possibility of furnishing them cap-a-pie at Antwerp,
he persuaded him to conform to the modern use of the sword,
and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting that
his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining
the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations,
to the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in
all probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen.
Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress
the reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast
many a wishful look over his left shoulder, to see whether
or not his adversary was at his heels. When, by the advice
of his second, he took possession of the ground, and turned
about with his face to the enemy, it was not so dark, but
that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his
countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his
forehead; nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech,
when he regretted his want of the pila and parma, with which
he would have made a rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in
springing forward, and singing the hymn to battle, in the
manner of the ancients.
In the meantime, observing the hesitation of his
antagonist, who, far from advancing, seemed to recoil, and
even struggle with his second, he guessed the situation of
the painter's thoughts, and, collecting all the manhood that
he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting by his
enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol
together, he advanced in a sort of trot, raising a loud
howl, in which he repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song,
part of the strophe from one of Pindar's Pythia, beginning
with ek theon gar makanoi pasai Broteais aretais, etc. This
imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect upon the
painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a
fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended,
and hearing the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish
words he pronounced, was seized with a universal palsy of
his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the ground, had
not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand upon his
defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding
that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now
performed one half of his career, put in practice his last
effort, by firing his pistol, the noise of which no sooner
reached the ears of the affrighted painter, than he
recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with great
vociferation.
The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded
him to yield, and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate
death; upon which he threw away his pistols and sword, in
spite of all the admonitions and even threats of his second,
who left him to his fate, and went up to his master,
stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence.
The victor, having won the spolia opima, granted him his
life, on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his
pardon, acknowledge himself inferior to his conqueror in
every virtue and qualification, and promise for the future
to merit his favour by submission and respect. These
insolent terms were readily embraced by the unfortunate
challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not at all
calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he
would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged with
great humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of
his morals for this defect of courage, which was a natural
infirmity inherited from his father, and suspend his opinion
of his talents, until he should have an opportunity of
contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, which would be
finished in less than three months.
Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure,
that no man could be justly condemned for being subject to
the impressions of fear, and therefore his cowardice might
easily be forgiven: but there was something so presumptuous,
dishonest, and disingenuous, in arrogating a quality to
which he knew he had not the smallest pretension, that he
could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, though he
would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, in
hopes of seeking a reformation in his conduct. Pallet
protested, that there was no dissimulation in the case; for
he was ignorant of his own weakness, until his resolution
was put to the trial: he faithfully promised to demean
himself, during the remaining part of the tour, with that
conscious modesty and penitence which became a person in his
condition; and, for the present, implored the assistance of
Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable
consequence of his fear.
CHAPTER LXIV.
The Doctor exults in his Victory—They set out for Rotterdam,
where they are entertained by two Dutch Gentlemen in a
Yacht, which is overturned in the Maese, to the manifest
hazard of the Painter's Life—They spend the Evening with
their Entertainers, and next Day visit a Cabinet of
Curiosities.
Tom was accordingly ordered to administer to his
occasions; and the conqueror, elated with his success, which
he in a great measure attributed to his manner of attack,
and the hymn which he howled, told Peregrine, that he was
now convinced of the truth of what Pindar sung in these
words, ossa de me pephileke Zeus atuzontai boan Pieridon
aionta; for he had no sooner begun to repeat the mellifluent
strains of that divine poet, than the wretch his antagonist
was confounded, and his nerves unstrung.
On their return to the inn, he expatiated on the prudence
and tranquility of his own behaviour, and ascribed the
consternation of Pallet to the remembrance of some crime
that lay heavy upon his conscience; for, in his opinion, a
man of virtue and common sense could not possibly be afraid
of death, which is not only the peaceful harbour that
receives him shattered on the tempestuous sea of life, but
also the eternal seal of his fame and glory, which it is no
longer in his power to forfeit and forego. He lamented his
fate, in being doomed to live in such degenerate days, when
war is become a mercenary trade; and ardently wished, that
the day would come, when he should have such an opportunity
of signalizing his courage in the cause of liberty, as that
of Marathon, where a handful of Athenians, fighting for
their freedom, defeated the whole strength of the Persian
empire. "Would to heaven!" said he, "my muse were blessed
with an occasion to emulate that glorious testimony on the
trophy in Cyprus, erected by Cimon, for two great victories
gained on the same day over the Persians by sea and land; in
which it is very remarkable, that the greatness of the
occasion has raised the manner of expression above the usual
simplicity and modesty of all other ancient inscriptions."
He then repeated it with all the pomp of declamation, and
signified his hope, that the French would one day invade us
with such an army as that which Xerxes led into Greece, that
it might be in his power to devote himself, like Leonidas,
to the freedom of his country.
This memorable combat being thus determined, and
everything that was remarkable in Antwerp surveyed, they
sent their baggage down the Scheldt to Rotterdam, and set
out for the same place in a post-waggon, which that same
evening brought them in safety to the banks of the Maese.
They put up at an English house of entertainment, remarkable
for the modesty and moderation of the landlord; and next
morning the doctor went in person to deliver letters of
recommendation to two Dutch gentlemen from one of his
acquaintance at Paris. Neither of them happened to be at
home when he called; so that he left a message at their
lodgings, with his address; and in the afternoon, they
waited upon the company, and, after many hospitable
professions, one of the two invited them to spend the
evening at his house.
Meanwhile they had provided a pleasure yacht, in which
they proposed to treat them with an excursion upon the
Maese. This being almost the only diversion that place
affords, our young gentleman relished the proposal; and,
notwithstanding the remonstrances of Mr. Jolter, who
declined the voyage on account of the roughness of the
weather, they went on board without hesitation, and found a
collation prepared in the cabin. While they tacked to and
fro in the river, under the impulse of a mackerel breeze,
the physician expressed his satisfaction, and Pallet was
ravished with the entertainment. But the wind increasing, to
the unspeakable joy of the Dutchmen, who had now an
opportunity of showing their dexterity in the management of
the vessel, the guests found it inconvenient to stand upon
deck, and impossible to sit below, on account of the clouds
of tobacco smoke which rolled from the pipes of their
entertainers, in such volumes as annoyed them even to the
hazard of suffocation. This fumigation, together with the
extraordinary motion of the ship, began to affect the head
and stomach of the painter, who begged earnestly to be set
on shore. But the Dutch gentlemen, who had no idea of his
sufferings, insisted, with surprising obstinacy of regard,
upon his staying until he should see an instance of the
skill of the mariners; and, bringing him on deck, commanded
the men to carry the vessel's lee gunwale under water. This
nicety of navigation they instantly performed, to the
admiration of Pickle, the discomposure of the doctor, and
terror of Pallet, who blessed himself from the courtesy of a
Dutchman, and prayed to Heaven for his deliverance.
While the Hollanders enjoyed the reputation of this feat,
and the distress of the painter, at the same time, the yacht
was overtaken by a sudden squall, that overset her in a
moment, and flung every man overboard into the Maese, before
they could have the least warning of their fate, much less
time to provide against the accident. Peregrine, who was an
expert swimmer, reached the shore in safety; the physician,
in the agonies of despair, laid fast hold on the
trunk-breeches of one of the men, who dragged him to the
other side; the entertainers landed at the bomb-keys,
smoking their pipes all the way with great deliberation; and
the poor painter must have gone to the bottom, had not he
been encountered by the cable of a ship that lay at anchor
near the scene of their disaster. Though his senses had
forsaken him, his hands fastened by instinct on this
providential occurrence, which he held with such a
convulsive grasp, that, when a boat was sent out to bring
him on shore, it was with the utmost difficulty that his
fingers were disengaged. He was carried into a house,
deprived of the use of speech, and bereft of all sensation;
and, being suspended by the heels, a vast quantity of water
ran out of his mouth. This evacuation being made, he began
to utter dreadful groans, which gradually increased to a
continued roar; and, after he had regained the use of his
senses, he underwent a delirium that lasted several hours.
As for the treaters, they never dreamed of expressing the
least concern to Pickle or the physician for what had
happened, because it was an accident so common as to pass
without notice.
Leaving the care of their vessel to the seamen, the
company retired to their respective lodgings, in order to
shift their clothes; and in the evening our travellers were
conducted to the house of their new friend, who, with a view
of making his invitation the more agreeable, had assembled,
to the number of twenty or thirty Englishmen, of all ranks
and degrees, from the merchant to the periwig-maker's
prentice.
In the midst of this congregation stood a chafing-dish
with live coals, for the convenience of lighting their
pipes, and every individual was accommodated with a
spitting-box. There was not a mouth in the apartment
unfurnished with a tube, so that they resembled a
congregation of chimeras breathing fire and smoke; and our
gentlemen were fain to imitate their example in their own
defence. It is not to be supposed that the conversation was
either very sprightly or polite; that the whole
entertainment was of the Dutch cast—frowzy and phlegmatic;
and our adventurer, as he returned to his lodging, tortured
with the headache, and disgusted with every circumstance of
his treatment, cursed the hour in which the doctor had
saddled them with such troublesome companions.
Next morning by eight o'clock, these polite Hollanders
returned the visit, and, after breakfast, attended their
English friends to the house of a person that possessed a
very curious cabinet of curiosities, to which they had
secured our company's admission. The owner of this
collection was a cheesemonger, who received them in a
woollen nightcap, with straps buttoned under his chin. As he
understood no language but his own, he told them, by the
canal of one of their conductors, that he did not make a
practice of showing his curiosities; but understanding that
they were Englishmen, and recommended to his friends, he was
content to submit them to their perusal. So saying, he led
them up a dark stair, into a small room, decorated with a
few paltry figures in plaster of Paris, two or three
miserable landscapes, the skins of an otter, seal, and some
fishes stuffed; and in one corner stood a glass case,
furnished with newts, frogs, lizards, and serpents,
preserved in spirits; a human foetus, a calf with two heads,
and about two dozen of butterflies pinned upon paper.
The virtuoso having exhibited these particulars, eyed the
strangers with a look soliciting admiration and applause;
and as he could not perceive any symptom of either in their
gestures or countenances, withdrew a curtain, and displayed
a wainscot chest of drawers, in which, he gave them to
understand, was something that would agreeably amuse the
imagination. Our travellers, regaled with this notice,
imagined that they would be entertained with the sight of
some curious medals, or other productions of antiquity; but
how were they disappointed, when they saw nothing but a
variety of shells, disposed in whimsical figures, in each
drawer! After he had detained them full two hours with a
tedious commentary upon the shape, size, and colour of each
department, he, with a supercilious simper, desired that the
English gentlemen would frankly and candidly declare,
whether his cabinet, or that of Mynheer Sloane, at London,
was the most valuable. When this request was signified in
English to the company, the painter instantly exclaimed, "By
the Lard! they are not to be named of a day. And as for that
matter, I would not give one corner of Saltero's
coffee-house at Chelsea for all the trash he hath shown."
Peregrine, unwilling to mortify any person who had done his
endeavour to please him, observed, that what he had seen was
very curious and entertaining; but that no private
collection in Europe was equal to that of Sir Hans Sloane,
which, exclusive of presents, had cost an hundred thousand
pounds. The two conductors were confounded at this
asseveration, which, being communicated to the cheesemonger,
he shook his head with a significant grin; and, though he
did not choose to express his incredulity in words, gave our
hero to understand, that he did not much depend upon his
veracity. From the house of this Dutch naturalist, they were
draggled all round the city by the painful civility of their
attendants, who did not quit them till the evening was well
advanced, and then not till after they had promised to be
with them before ten o'clock next day, in order to conduct
them to a country house, situated in a pleasant village on
the other side of the river.
Pickle was already so much fatigued with their
hospitality, that, for the first time of his life, he
suffered a dejection of spirits; and resolved, at any rate,
to avoid the threatened persecution of to-morrow. With this
view, he ordered his servants to pack up some clothes and
linen in a portmanteau; and in the morning embarked, with
his governor, in the treckskuyt, for the Hague, whither he
pretended to be called by some urgent occasion, leaving his
fellow-travellers to make his apology to their friends, and
assuring them, that he would not proceed for Amsterdam
without their society. He arrived at the Hague in the
forenoon, and dined at an ordinary frequented by officers
and people of fashion; where being informed that the
princess would see company in the evening, he dressed
himself in a rich suit of the Parisian cut, and went to
court, without any introduction. A person of his appearance
could not fail to attract the notice of such a small circle.
The prince himself, understanding he was an Englishman and a
stranger, went up to him without ceremony, and, having
welcomed him to the place, conversed with him for some
minutes on the common topics of discourse.
CHAPTER LXV.
They proceed to the Hague; from whence they depart for
Amsterdam, where they see a Dutch Tragedy—Visit the
Music-house, in which Peregrine quarrels with the Captain of
a Man-of-War—They pass through Haerlem, in their way to
Leyden—Return to Rotterdam, where the Company separates, and
our Hero, with his Attendants, arrive in safety at Harwich.
Being joined by their fellow-travellers in the morning,
they made a tour to all the remarkable places in this
celebrated village: saw the foundry, the Stadthouse, the
Spinhuys, Vauxhall, and Count Bentinck's gardens; and in the
evening went to the French comedy, which was directed by a
noted harlequin, who had found means to flatter the Dutch
taste so effectually, that they extolled him as the greatest
actor that ever appeared in the province of Holland. This
famous company did not represent regular theatrical pieces,
but only a sort of impromptus, in which this noted player
always performed the greatest part of the entertainment.
Among other sallies of wit that escaped him, there was one
circumstance so remarkably adapted to the disposition and
genius of his audience, that it were a pity to pass it over
in silence. A windmill being exhibited on the scene,
harlequin, after having surveyed it with curiosity and
admiration, asks one of the millers the use of that machine;
and being told that it was a windmill, observes, with some
concern, that as there was not the least breath of wind, he
could not have the pleasure of seeing it turn round. Urged
by this consideration, he puts himself into the attitude of
a person wrapt in profound meditation; and, having continued
a few seconds in this posture, runs to the miller with great
eagerness and joy, and, telling him that he had found an
expedient to make his mill work; very fairly unbuttons his
breeches. Then presenting his posteriors to the sails of the
machine, certain explosions are immediately heard, and the
arms of the mill begin to turn round, to the infinite
satisfaction of the spectators, who approve the joke with
loud peals of applause.
Our travellers stayed a few days at the Hague, during
which the young gentleman waited on the British ambassador,
to whom he was recommended by his excellency at Paris, and
lost about thirty guineas at billiards to a French
adventurer, who decoyed him into the snare by keeping up his
game. Then they departed in a post-waggon for Amsterdam,
being provided with letters of introduction to an English
merchant residing in that city, under whose auspices they
visited everything worth seeing, and among other excursions,
went to see a Dutch tragedy acted, an entertainment which,
of all others, had the strangest effect upon the organs of
our hero; the dress of their chief personages was so antic,
their manner so awkwardly absurd, and their language so
ridiculously unfit for conveying the sentiment of love and
honour, that Peregrine's nerves were diuretically affected
with the complicated absurdity, and he was compelled to
withdraw twenty times before the catastrophe of the piece.
The subject of this performance was the famous story of
Scipio's continence and virtue, in restoring the fair
captive to her lover. The young Roman hero was represented
by a broadfaced Batavian, in a burgomaster's gown and a fur
cap, sitting smoking his pipe at a table furnished with a
can of beer, a drinking glass, and a plate of tobacco. The
lady was such a person as Scipio might well be supposed to
give away, without any great effort of generosity; and
indeed the Celtiberian prince seemed to be of that opinion;
for, upon receiving her from the hand of the victor, he
discovered none of those transports of gratitude and joy
which Livy describes in recounting this event. The Dutch
Scipio, however, was complaisant enough in his way; for he
desired her to sit at his right hand, by the appellation of
Ya frow, and with his own fingers filling a clean pipe,
presented it to Mynheer Allucio, the lover. The rest of the
economy of the piece was in the same taste; which was so
agreeable to the audience, that they seemed to have shaken
off their natural phlegm, in order to applaud the
performance.
From the play our company adjourned to the house of their
friend, where they spent the evening; and the conversation
turning upon poetry, a Dutchman who was present, and
understood the English language, having listened very
attentively to the discourse, lifted up with both hands the
greatest part of a Cheshire cheese that lay upon the table,
saying, "I do know vat is boetre. Mine brotre be a great
boet, and ave vrought a book as dick as all dat." Pickle,
diverted with this method of estimating an author according
to the quantity of his works, inquired about the subjects of
this bard's writings; but of these his brother could give no
account, or other information, but that there was little
market for the commodity, which hung heavy upon his hands,
and induced him to wish he had applied himself to another
trade.
The only remarkable scene in Amsterdam, which our company
had not seen, was the Spuyl or music-houses, which, by the
connivance of the magistrates, are maintained for the
recreation of those who might attempt the chastity of
creditable women, if they were not provided with such
conveniences. To one of these night-houses did our
travellers repair, under the conduct of the English
merchant, and were introduced into such another place as the
ever-memorable coffee-house of Moll King; with this
difference, that the company here were not so riotous as the
bucks of Covent Garden, but formed themselves into a circle,
within which some of the number danced to the music of a
scurvy organ and a few other instruments, that uttered tunes
very suitable to the disposition of the hearers, while the
whole apartment was shrouded with clouds of smoke impervious
to the view. When our gentlemen entered, the floor was
occupied by two females and their gallants, who, in the
performance of their exercise, lifted their legs like so
many oxen at plough and the pipe of one of those hoppers
happening to be exhausted, in the midst of his saraband, he
very deliberately drew forth his tobacco-box, filling and
lighting it again, without any interruption to the dance.
Peregrine being unchecked by the presence of his
governor, who was too tender of his own reputation to attend
them in this expedition, made up to a sprightly French girl
who sat in seeming expectation of a customer, and prevailing
upon her to be his partner, led her into the circle, and in
his turn took the opportunity of dancing a minuet, to the
admiration of all present. He intended to have exhibited
another specimen of his ability in this art, when a captain
of a Dutch man-of-war chancing to come in, and seeing a
stranger engaged with the lady whom, it seems, he had
bespoke for his bedfellow, he advanced without any ceremony,
and seizing her by the arm, pulled her to the other side of
the room. Our adventurer, who was not a man to put up with
such a brutal affront, followed the ravisher with
indignation in his eyes; and pushing him on one side, retook
the subject of their contest, and led her back to the place
from whence she had been dragged. The Dutchman, enraged at
the youth's presumption, obeyed the first dictates of his
choler, and lent his rival a hearty box on the ear; which
was immediately repaid with interest, before our hero could
recollect himself sufficiently to lay his hand upon his
sword, and beckon the aggressor to the door.
Notwithstanding the confusion and disorder which this
affair produced in the room, and the endeavours of Pickle's
company, who interposed, in order to prevent bloodshed, the
antagonists reached the street; and Peregrine drawing, was
surprised to see the captain advance against him with a long
knife, which he preferred to the sword that hung by his
side. The youth, confounded at this preposterous behaviour,
desired him, in the French tongue, to lay aside that vulgar
implement, and approach like a gentleman. But the Hollander,
who neither understood the proposal, nor would have complied
with this demand, had he been made acquainted with his
meaning, rushed forward like a desperado, before his
adversary could put himself on his guard; and if the young
gentleman had not been endued with surprising agility, his
nose would have fallen a sacrifice to the fury of the
assailant. Finding himself in such imminent jeopardy, he
leaped to one side, and the Dutchman passing him, in the
force of his career, he with one nimble kick made such
application to his enemy's heels, that he flew like
lightning into the canal, where he had almost perished by
pitching upon one of the posts with which it is faced.
Peregrine having performed this exploit, did not stay for
the captain's coming on shore, but retreated with all
despatch, by the advice of his conductor; and next day
embarked, with his companions, in the skuyt, for Haerlem,
where they dined; and in the evening arrived at the ancient
city of Leyden, where they met with some English students,
who treated them with great hospitality. Not but that the
harmony of the conversation was that same night interrupted
by a dispute that arose between one of those young gentlemen
and the physician, about the cold and hot methods of
prescription in the gout and rheumatism; and proceeded to
such a degree of mutual reviling, that Pickle, ashamed and
incensed at his fellow-traveller's want of urbanity,
espoused the other's cause, and openly rebuked him for his
unmannerly petulance, which, he said, rendered him unfit for
the purposes, and unworthy of the benefit, of society. This
unexpected declaration overwhelmed the doctor with amazement
and confusion; he was instantaneously deprived of his
speech, and, during the remaining part of the party, sat in
silent mortification. In all probability, he deliberated
with himself, whether or not he should expostulate with the
young gentleman on the freedom he had taken with his
character in a company of strangers; but as he knew he had
not a Pallet to deal with, he very prudently suppressed that
suggestion, and, in secret, chewed the cud of resentment.
After they had visited the physic-garden, the university,
the anatomical hall, and every other thing that was
recommended to their view, they returned to Rotterdam, and
held a consultation upon the method of transporting
themselves to England. The doctor, whose grudge against
Peregrine was rather inflamed than allayed by our hero's
indifference and neglect, had tampered with the simplicity
of the painter, who was proud of his advances towards a
perfect reconciliation, and now took the opportunity of
parting with our adventurer, by declaring that he and his
friend Mr. Pallet were resolved to take their passage in a
trading sloop, after he had heard Peregrine object against
that tedious, disagreeable, and uncertain method of
conveyance. Pickle immediately saw his intention, and,
without using the least argument to dissuade them from their
design, or expressing the smallest degree of concern at
their separation, very coolly wished them a prosperous
voyage, and ordered his baggage to be sent to Helvoetsluys.
There he himself, and his retinue, went on board of the
packet next day, and, by the favour of a fair wind, in
eighteen hours arrived at Harwich.
CHAPTER LXVI.
Peregrine delivers his Letters of Recommendation at London,
and returns to the Garrison, to the unspeakable joy of the
Commodore and his whole Family.
Now that our hero found himself on English ground, his
heart dilated with the proud recollection of his own
improvement since he left his native soil. He began to
recognise the interesting ideas of his tender years; he
enjoyed, by anticipation, the pleasure of seeing his friends
in the garrison, after an absence of eighteen months; and
the image of his charming Emily, which other less worthy
considerations had depressed, resumed the full possession of
his breast. He remembered, with shame, that he had neglected
the correspondence with her brother, which he himself had
solicited, and in consequence of which he had received a
letter from that young gentleman, while he lived at Paris.
In spite of these conscientious reflections he was too
self-sufficient to think he should find any difficulty in
obtaining forgiveness for such sins of omission; and began
to imagine that his passion would be prejudicial to the
dignity of his situation, if it should not be gratified upon
terms which formerly his imagination durst not conceive.
Sorry I am, that the task I have undertaken, lays me
under the necessity of divulging this degeneracy in the
sentiment of our imperious youth, who was now in the heyday
of his blood, flushed with the consciousness of his own
qualifications, vain of his fortune, and elated on the wings
of imaginary expectation. Though he was deeply enamoured of
Miss Gauntlet, he was far from proposing her heart as the
ultimate aim of his gallantry, which, he did not doubt,
would triumph over the most illustrious females of the land,
and at once regale his appetite and ambition.
Meanwhile, being willing to make his appearance at the
garrison equally surprising and agreeable, he cautioned Mr.
Jolter against writing to the commodore, who had not heard
of them since their departure from Paris, and hired a
post-chaise and horses, for London. The governor, going out
to give orders about the carriage, inadvertently left a
paper book open upon the table; and his pupil, casting his
eyes upon the page, chanced to read these words: "Sept. 15.
Arrived in safety, by the blessing of God, in this unhappy
kingdom of England. And thus concludes the journal of my
last peregrination." Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by
this extraordinary conclusion he turned to the beginning,
and perused several sheets of a diary such as is commonly
kept by that class of people known by the denomination of
travelling governors, for the satisfaction of themselves and
the parents or guardians of their pupils, and for the
edification and entertainment of their friends.
That the reader may have a clear idea of Mr. Jolter's
performance, we shall transcribe the transactions of one
day, as he had recorded them; and that abstract will be a
sufficient specimen of the whole plan and execution of the
work.
"May 3. At eight o'clock, set out from Boulogne in a
post-chaise: the morning hazy and cold. Fortified my stomach
with a cordial. Recommended ditto to Mr. P. as an antidote
against the fog. Mem. He refused it. The hither horse
greased in the off-pastern of the hind leg. Arrived at
Samers. Mem. This last was a post and a half, i.e. three
leagues, or nine English miles. The day clears up. A fine
champaign country, well stored with corn. The postillion
says his prayers in passing by a wooden crucifix upon the
road. Mem. The horses staled in a small brook that runs in a
bottom, betwixt two hills. Arrived at Cormont. A common
post. A dispute with my pupil, who is obstinate, and swayed
by an unlucky prejudice. Proceed to Montreuil, where we dine
on choice pigeons. A very moderate charge. No chamber-pot in
the room, owing to the negligence of the maid. This is an
ordinary post. Set out again for Nampont. Troubled with
flatulences and indigestion. Mr. P. is sullen, and seems to
mistake an eructation for the breaking of wind backwards.
From Nampont depart for Bernay, at which place we arrive in
the evening, and propose to stay all night. N.B. The two
last a redouble posts, and our cattle very willing, though
not strong. Sup on a delicate ragout and excellent
partridges, in company with Mr. H. and his spouse. Mem. The
said H. trod upon my corn by mistake. Discharge the bill,
which is not very reasonable. Dispute with Mr. P. about
giving money to the servant. He insists upon my giving a
twenty-four sols piece, which is too much by two-thirds, in
all conscience. N.B. She was a pert baggage, and did not
deserve a liard."
Our hero was so much disobliged with certain
circumstances of this amusing and instructing journal, that,
by way of punishing the author, he interlined these words
betwixt two paragraphs, in a manner that exactly resembled
the tutor's handwriting: "Mem. Had the pleasure of drinking
myself into a sweet intoxication, by toasting our lawful
king, and his royal family, among some worthy English
fathers of the Society of Jesus."
Having taken this revenge, he set out for London, where
he waited upon those noblemen to whom he had letters of
recommendation from Paris; and was not only graciously
received, but even loaded with caresses and proffers of
service, because they understood he was a young gentleman of
fortune, who, far from standing in need of their countenance
or assistance, would make a useful and creditable addition
to the number of their adherents. He had the honour of
dining at their tables, in consequence of pressing
invitations, and of spending several evenings with the
ladies, to whom he was particularly agreeable, on account of
his person, address, and bleeding freely at play.
Being thus initiated in the beau monde, he thought it was
high time to pay his respects to his generous benefactor,
the commodore; and, accordingly, departed one morning, with
his train, for the garrison, at which he arrived in safety
the same night. When he entered the gate, which was opened
by a new servant that did not know him, he found his old
friend, Hatchway, stalking in the yard, with a nightcap on
his head, and a pipe in his mouth; and, advancing to him,
took him by the hand before he had any intimation of his
approach. The lieutenant, thus saluted by a stranger, stared
at him in silent astonishment, till he recollected his
features, which were no sooner known, than, dashing his pipe
upon the pavement, he exclaimed, "Smite my cross-trees!
th'art welcome to port;" and hugged him in his arms with
great affection. He then, by a cordial squeeze, expressed
his satisfaction at seeing his old shipmate, Tom, who,
applying his whistle to his mouth, the whole castle echoed
with his performance.
The servants, hearing the well-known sound, poured out in
a tumult of joy; and, understanding that their young master
was returned, raised such a peal of acclamation, as
astonished the commodore and his lady, and inspired Julia
with such an interesting presage, that her heart began to
throb with violence. Running out in the hurry and
perturbation of her hope, she was so much overwhelmed at
sight of her brother, that she actually fainted in his arms.
But from this trance she soon awaked; and Peregrine, having
testified his pleasure and affection, went upstairs, and
presented himself before his godfather and aunt. Mrs.
Trunnion rose and received him with a gracious embrace,
blessing God for his happy return from a land of impiety and
vice, in which she hoped his morals had not been corrupted,
nor his principles of religion altered or impaired. The old
gentleman being confined to his chair, was struck dumb with
pleasure at his appearance; and, having made divers
ineffectual efforts to get up, at length discharged a volley
of curses against his own limbs, and held out his hand to
his godson, who kissed it with great respect.
After he had finished his apostrophe to the gout, which
was the daily and hourly subject of his execrations, "Well,
my lad," said he, "I care not how soon I go to the bottom,
now I behold thee safe in harbour again; and yet I tell a
d—d lie; I would I could keep afloat until I should see a
lusty boy of thy begetting. Odds my timbers! I love thee so
well, that I believe thou art the spawn of my own body;
though I can give no account of thy being put upon the
stocks." Then, turning his eyes upon Pipes, who by this time
had penetrated into his apartment, and addressed him with
the usual salutation of "What cheer?" "Ahey," cried he, "are
you there, you herring-faced son of a sea-calf? What a
slippery trick you played your old commander! But come, you
dog, there's my fist; I forgive you, for the love you bear
to my godson. Go, man your tackle, and hoist a cask of
strong beer into the yard, knock out the bung, and put a
pump in it, for the use of all my servants and neighbours;
and, d'ye hear, let the patereroes be fired, and the
garrison illuminated, as rejoicings for the safe arrival of
your master. By the Lord! if I had the use of these d—d
shambling shanks, I would dance a hornpipe with the best of
you."
The next object of his attention was Mr. Jolter, who was
honoured with particular marks of distinction, and the
repeated promise of enjoying the living in his gift, as an
acknowledgment of the care and discretion with which he had
superintended the education and morals of our hero. The
governor was so affected by the generosity of his patron,
that the tears ran down his cheeks, while he expressed his
gratitude, and the infinite satisfaction he felt in
contemplating the accomplishments of his pupil.
Meanwhile, Pipes did not neglect the orders he had
received. The beer was produced, the gates were thrown open
for the admission of all comers, the whole house was lighted
up, and the patereroes were discharged in repeated volleys.
Such phenomena could not fail to attract the notice of the
neighbourhood. The club at Tunley's were astonished at the
report of the guns, which produced various conjectures among
the members of that sagacious society. The landlord
observed, that, in all likelihood, the commodore was visited
by hobgoblins, and ordered the guns to be fired in token of
distress, as he had acted twenty years before, when he was
annoyed by the same grievance. The exciseman, with a waggish
sneer, expressed his apprehension of Trunnion's death, in
consequence of which the patereroes might be discharged with
an equivocal intent, either as signals of his lady's sorrow
or rejoicing. The attorney signified a suspicion of
Hatchway's being married to Miss Pickle, and that the firing
and illuminations were in honour of the nuptials; upon which
Gamaliel discovered some faint signs of emotion, and, taking
the pipe from his mouth, gave it as his opinion, that his
sister was brought to bed.
While they were thus bewildered in the maze of their own
imaginations, a company of countrymen, who sat drinking in
the kitchen, and whose legs were more ready than their
invention, sallied out to know the meaning of these
exhibitions. Understanding that there was a butt of strong
beer abroach in the yard, to which they were invited by the
servants, they saved themselves the trouble and expense of
returning to spend the evening at the public-house, and
listed themselves under the banner of Tom Pipes, who
presided as director of this festival.
The news of Peregrine's return being communicated to the
parish, the parson, and three or four neighbouring
gentlemen, who were well-wishers to our hero, immediately
repaired to the garrison, in order to pay their compliments
on this happy event, and were detained to supper. An elegant
entertainment was prepared by the direction of Miss Julia,
who was an excellent housewife; and the commodore was so
invigorated with joy, that he seemed to have renewed his
age. Among those who honoured the occasion with their
presence, was Mr. Clover, the young gentleman that made his
addresses to Peregrine's sister. His heart was so big with
his passion, that, while the rest of the company were
engrossed by their cups, he seized an opportunity of our
hero's being detached from the conversation, and, in the
impatience of his love, conjured him to consent to his
happiness; protesting, that he would comply with any terms
of settlement that a man of his fortune could embrace, in
favour of a young lady who was absolute mistress of his
affection.
Our youth thanked him very politely for his favourable
sentiments and honourable intention towards his sister, and
told him, that at present he saw no reason to obstruct his
desire; that he would consult Julia's own inclinations, and
confer with him about the means of gratifying his wish; but,
in the meantime, begged to be excused from discussing any
point of such importance to them both. Reminding him of the
jovial purpose on which they were happily met, he promoted
such a quick circulation of the bottle, that their mirth
grew noisy and obstreperous; they broke forth into repeated
peals of laughter, without any previous incitement except
that of claret. These explosions were succeeded by
Bacchanalian songs, in which the old gentleman himself
attempted to bear a share; the sedate governor snapped time
with his fingers, and the parish priest assisted in the
chorus with a most expressive nakedness of countenance.
Before midnight they were almost all pinned to their chairs,
as if they had been fixed by the power of enchantment; and,
what rendered the confinement still more unfortunate, every
servant in the house was in the same situation; so that they
were fain to take their repose as they sat, and nodded at
each other like a congregation of Anabaptists.
Next day Peregrine communed with his sister on the
subject of her match with Mr. Clover, who, she told him, had
offered to settle a jointure of four hundred pounds, and
take her to wife without any expectation of a dowry. She
moreover gave him to understand, that, in his absence, she
had received several messages from her mother, commanding
her to return to her father's house; but that she had
refused to obey these orders, by the advice and injunction
of her aunt and the commodore, which were indeed seconded by
her own inclination; because she had all the reason in the
world to believe, that her mother only wanted an opportunity
of treating her with severity and rancour. The resentment of
that lady had been carried to such indecent lengths, that,
seeing her daughter at church one day, she rose up, before
the parson entered, and reviled her with great bitterness,
in the face of the whole congregation.
CHAPTER LXVII.
Sees his Sister happily married—Visits Emilia, who receives
him according to his Deserts.
Her brother being of opinion, that Mr. Clover's proposal
was not to be neglected, especially as Julia's heart was
engaged in his favour, communicated the affair to his uncle,
who, with the approbation of Mrs. Trunnion, declared himself
well satisfied with the young man's addresses, and desired
that they might be buckled with all expedition, without the
knowledge or concurrence of her parents, to whom (on account
of their unnatural barbarity) she was not bound to pay the
least regard. Though our adventurer entertained the same
sentiments of the matter, and the lover, dreading some
obstruction, earnestly begged the immediate condescension of
his mistress, she could not be prevailed upon to take such a
material step, without having first solicited the permission
of her father; resolved, nevertheless, to comply with the
dictates of her own heart, should his objections be
frivolous or unjust.
Urged by this determination, her admirer waited upon Mr.
Gamaliel at the public-house, and, with the appearance of
great deference and respect, made him acquainted with his
affection for his daughter, communicated the particulars of
his fortune, with the terms of settlement he was ready to
make; and in conclusion told him, that he would marry her
without a portion. This last offer seemed to have some
weight with the father, who received it with civility, and
promised in a day or two to favour him with a final answer
to his demand. He, accordingly, that same evening consulted
his wife, who, being exasperated at the prospect of her
daughter's independency, argued with the most virulent
expostulation against the match, as an impudent scheme of
her own planning, with a view of insulting her parents,
towards whom she had already been guilty of the most vicious
disobedience. In short, she used such remonstrances, as not
only averted this weak husband's inclination from the
proposal which he had relished before, but even instigated
him to apply for a warrant to apprehend his daughter, on the
supposition that she was about to bestow herself in marriage
without his privity or consent.
The justice of peace to whom this application was made,
though he could not refuse the order, yet, being no stranger
to the malevolence of the mother, which, together with
Gamaliel's simplicity, was notorious in the county, he sent
an intimation of what had happened to the garrison; upon
which a couple of sentinels were placed on the gate, and at
the pressing solicitation of the lover, as well as the
desire of the commodore, her brother, and aunt, Julia was
wedded without further delay, the ceremony being performed
by Mr. Jolter, because the parish priest prudently declined
any occasion of giving offence, and the curate was too much
in the interest of their enemies to be employed in that
office.
This domestic concern being settled to the satisfaction
of our hero, he escorted her next day to the house of her
husband, who immediately wrote a letter to her father,
declaring his reasons for having thus superseded his
authority; and Mrs. Pickle's mortification was unspeakable.
That the new-married couple might be guarded against all
insult, our young gentleman and his friend Hatchway, with
their adherents, lodged in Mr. Clover's house for some
weeks; during which they visited their acquaintance in the
neighbourhood, according to custom. When the tranquility of
their family was perfectly established, and the contract of
the marriage executed in the presence of the old commodore
and his lady, who gave her niece five hundred pounds to
purchase jewels and clothes, Mr. Peregrine could no longer
restrain his impatience to see his dear Emily; and told his
uncle, that next day he proposed to ride across the country,
in order to visit his friend Gauntlet, whom he had not heard
of for a long time.
The old gentleman, looking steadfastly in his face, "Ah!
D—n your cunning!" said he, "I find the anchor holds fast! I
did suppose as how you would have slipt your cable, and
changed your berth; but, I see, when a young fellow is once
brought up by a pretty wench, he may man his capstans and
viol block, if he wool; but he'll as soon heave up the Pike
of Teneriffe, as bring his anchor aweigh! Odds heartlikins!
had I known the young woman was Ned Gauntlet's daughter, I
shouldn't have thrown out signal for leaving off chase."
Our adventurer was not a little surprised to hear the
commodore talk in this style; and immediately conjectured
that his friend Godfrey had informed him of the whole
affair. Instead of listening to this approbation of his
flame, with those transports of joy which he would have
felt, had he retained his former sentiments, he was
chagrined at Trunnion's declaration, and offended at the
presumption of the young soldier, in presuming to disclose
the secret with which he had entrusted him. Reddening with
these reflections, he assured the commodore that he never
had serious thoughts of matrimony; so that if any person had
told him he was under any engagement of that kind, he had
abused his ear; for he protested that he would never
contract such attachments without his knowledge and express
permission.
Trunnion commended him for his prudent resolution, and
observed, that, though no person mentioned to him what
promises had passed betwixt him and his sweetheart, it was
very plain that he had made love to her, and therefore it
was to be supposed that his intentions were honourable; for
he could not believe he was such a rogue in his heart, as to
endeavour to debauch the daughter of a brave officer, who
had served his country with credit and reputation.
Notwithstanding this remonstrance, which Pickle imputed to
the commodore's ignorance of the world, he set out for the
habitation of Mrs. Gauntlet, with the unjustifiable
sentiments of a man of pleasure, who sacrifices every
consideration to the desire of his ruling appetite; and, as
Winchester lay in his way, resolved to visit some of his
friends who lived in that place. It was in the house of one
of these that he was informed of Emilia's being then in town
with her mother; upon which he excused himself from staying
to drink tea, and immediately repaired to their lodgings,
according to the directions he had received.
When he arrived at the door, instead of undergoing that
perturbation of spirits, which a lover in his interesting
situation might be supposed to feel, he suffered no emotion
but that of vanity and pride, favoured with an opportunity
of self-gratification, and entered his Emilia's apartment
with the air of a conceited petit-maitre, rather than that
of the respectful admirer, when he visits the object of his
passion, after an absence of seventeen months.
The young lady, having been very much disobliged at his
mortifying neglect of her brother's letter, had summoned all
her own pride and resolution to her aid; and, by means of a
happy disposition, so far overcame her chagrin at his
indifference, that she was able to behave in his presence
with apparent tranquility and ease. She was even pleased to
find he had, by accident, chosen a time for his visit when
she was surrounded by two or three young gentlemen, who
professed themselves her admirers. Our gallant was no sooner
announced, than she collected all her coquetry, put on the
gayest air she could assume, and contrived to giggle just as
he appeared at the room door. The compliments of salutation
being performed, she welcomed him to England in a careless
manner, asked the news of Paris, and, before he could make
any reply, desired one of the other gentlemen to proceed
with the sequel of that comical adventure, in the relation
of which he had been interrupted.
Peregrine smiled within himself at this behaviour, which,
without all doubt, he believed she had affected to punish
him for his unkind silence while he was abroad, being fully
persuaded that her heart was absolutely at his devotion. On
this supposition, he practised his Parisian improvements on
the art of conversation, and uttered a thousand prettinesses
in the way of compliment, with such incredible rotation of
tongue, that his rivals were struck dumb with astonishment,
and Emilia fretted out of all temper, at seeing herself
deprived of the prerogative of the sex. He persisted,
however, in this surprising loquacity, until the rest of the
company thought proper to withdraw, and then contracted his
discourse into the focus of love, which now put on a very
different appearance from that which it had formerly worn.
Instead of awful veneration, which her presence used to
inspire, that chastity of sentiment, and delicacy of
expression, he now gazed upon her with the eyes of a
libertine, he glowed with the impatience of desire, talked
in a strain that barely kept within the bounds of decency,
and attempted to snatch such favours, as she, in the
tenderness of mutual acknowledgments, had once vouchsafed to
bestow.
Grieved and offended as she was, at this palpable
alteration in his carriage, she disdained to remind him of
his former deportment, and, with dissembled good-humour,
rallied him on the progress he had made in gallantry and
address. But, far from submitting to the liberties he would
have taken, she kept her person sacred from his touch, and
would not even suffer him to ravish a kiss of her fair hand;
so that he reaped no other advantage from the exercise of
his talents, during this interview, which lasted a whole
hour, than that of knowing he had overrated his own
importance, and that Emily's heart was not a garrison likely
to surrender at discretion.
At length his addresses were interrupted by the arrival
of the mother, who had gone abroad to visit by herself; and
the conversation becoming more general, he understood that
Godfrey was at London, soliciting for a lieutenancy that had
fallen vacant in the regiment to which he belonged; and that
Miss Sophy was at home with her father.
Though our adventurer had not met with all the success he
expected by his first visit, he did not despair of reducing
the fortress, believing that in time there would be a mutiny
in his favour, and accordingly carried on the siege for
several days, without profiting by his perseverance; till,
at length, having attended the ladies to their own house in
the country, he began to look upon this adventure as time
misspent, and resolved to discontinue his attack, in hopes
of meeting with a more favourable occasion; being, in the
meantime, ambitious of displaying in a higher sphere, those
qualifications which his vanity told him were at present
misapplied.
CHAPTER LXVIII.
He attends his Uncle with great Affection during a Fit of
Illness—Sets out again for London—Meets with his Friend
Godfrey, who is prevailed upon to accompany him to Bath; on
the Road to which Place they chance to Dine with a Person
who entertains them with a curious Account of a certain
Company of Adventurers.
Thus determined, he took leave of Emilia and her mother,
on pretence of going to London upon some urgent business,
and returned to the garrison, leaving the good old lady very
much concerned, and the daughter incensed at his behaviour,
which was the more unexpected, because Godfrey had told them
that the commodore approved of his nephew's passion.
Our adventurer found his uncle so ill of the gout, which,
for the first time, had taken possession of his stomach,
that his life was in imminent danger, and the whole family
in disorder. He therefore took the reins of government in
his own hands, sent for all the physicians in the
neighbourhood, and attended him in person with the most
affectionate care, during the whole fit, which lasted a
fortnight, and then retired before the strength of his
constitution.
When the old gentleman recovered his health, he was so
penetrated with Peregrine's behaviour, that he actually
would have made over to him his whole fortune, and depended
upon him for his own subsistence, had not our youth opposed
the execution of the deed with all his influence and might,
and even persuaded him to make a will, in which his friend
Hatchway, and all his other adherents, were liberally
remembered, and his aunt provided for on her own terms. This
material point being settled, he, with his uncle's
permission, departed for London, after having seen the
family affairs established under the direction and
administration of Mr. Jolter and the lieutenant; for, by
this time, Mrs. Trunnion was wholly occupied with her
spiritual concern.
On his first arrival at London, he sent a card to the
lodgings of Gauntlet, in consequence of a direction from his
mother; and that young gentleman waited on him next morning,
though not with that alacrity of countenance and warmth of
friendship which might have been expected from the intimacy
of their former connection. Nor was Peregrine himself
actuated by the same unreserved affection for the soldier
which he had formerly entertained. Godfrey, over and above
the offence he had taken at Pickle's omission in point of
corresponding with him, had been informed, by a letter from
his mother, of the youth's cavalier behaviour to Emilia,
during his last residence at Winchester; and our young
gentleman, as we have already observed, was disgusted at the
supposed discovery which the soldier had made in his absence
to the commodore. They, perceived their mutual umbrage at
meeting, and received each other with that civility of
reserve which commonly happens between two persons whose
friendship is in the wane.
Gauntlet at once divined the cause of the other's
displeasure, and, in order to vindicate his own character,
after the first compliments were passed, took the
opportunity, on inquiring after the health of the commodore,
to tell Peregrine, that, while he tarried at the garrison,
on his return from Dover, the subject of the conversation,
one night, happening to turn on our hero's passion, the old
gentleman had expressed his concern about that affair; and,
among other observations, said, he supposed the object of
his love was some paltry hussy, whom he had picked up when
he was a boy at school. Upon which, Mr. Hatchway assured
him, that she was a young woman of as good a family as any
in the county; and, after having prepossessed him in her
favour, ventured, out of the zeal of his friendship, to tell
who she was. Wherefore, the discovery was not to be imputed
to any other cause; and he hoped Mr. Pickle would acquit him
of all share in the transaction.
Peregrine was very well pleased to be thus undeceived;
his countenance immediately cleared up, the formality of his
behaviour relaxed into his usual familiarity; he asked
pardon for his unmannerly neglect of Godfrey's letter, which
he protested, was not owing to any disregard, or abatement
of friendship, but to a hurry of youthful engagements, in
consequence of which he had procrastinated his answer from
time to time, until he was ready to return in person.
The young soldier was contented with this apology and, as
Pickle's intention, with respect to his sister, was still
dubious and undeclared, he did not think it was incumbent
upon him, as yet, to express any resentment on that score;
but was wise enough to foresee, that the renewal of his
intimacy with our young gentleman might be the means of
reviving that flame which had been dissipated by a variety
of new ideas. With those sentiments, he laid aside all
reserve, and their communication resumed its former channel.
Peregrine made him acquainted with all the adventures in
which he had been engaged since their parting; and he, with
the same confidence, related the remarkable incidents of his
own fate; among other things, giving him to understand,
that, upon obtaining a commission in the army, the father of
his dear Sophy, without once inquiring about the occasion of
his promotion, had not only favoured him with his
countenance in a much greater degree than heretofore, but
also contributed his interest, and even promised the
assistance of his purse, in procuring for him a lieutenancy,
which he was then soliciting with all his power; whereas, if
he had not been enabled, by a most accidental piece of good
fortune, to lift himself into the sphere of an officer, he
had all the reason in the world to believe that this
gentleman, and all the rest of his wealthy relations, would
have suffered him to languish in obscurity and distress; and
by turning his misfortune into reproach, made it a plea for
their want of generosity and friendship.
Peregrine, understanding the situation of his friend's
affairs, would have accommodated him upon the instant with a
sum to accelerate the passage of his commission through the
offices; but, being too well acquainted with his scrupulous
disposition, to manifest his benevolence in that manner, he
found means to introduce himself to one of the gentlemen of
the War Office, who was so well satisfied with the arguments
used in behalf of his friend, that Godfrey's business was
transacted in a very few days, though he himself knew
nothing of his interest being thus reinforced.
By this time, the season at Bath was begun; and our hero,
panting with the desire of distinguishing himself at that
resort of the fashionable world, communicated his design of
going thither to his friend Godfrey, whom he importuned to
accompany him in the excursion; and leave of absence from
his regiment being obtained by the influence of Peregrine's
new quality friends, the two companions departed from London
in a post-chaise, attended, as usual, by the
valet-de-chambre and Pipes, who were become almost as
necessary to our adventurer as any two of his own organs.
At the inn, when they alighted for dinner, Godfrey
perceived a person walking by himself in the yard, with a
very pensive air, and, upon observing him more narrowly,
recognised him to be a professed gamester, whom he had
formerly known at Tunbridge. On the strength of this
acquaintance, he accosted the peripatetic, who knew him
immediately; and, in the fulness of his grief and vexation,
told him, that he was now on his return from Bath, where he
had been stripped by a company of sharpers, who resented
that he should presume to trade upon his own bottom.
Peregrine, who was extremely curious in his inquiries,
imagining that he might learn some entertaining and useful
anecdotes from this artist, invited him to dinner, and was
accordingly fully informed of all the political systems at
Bath. He understood that there was at London one great
company of adventurers, who employed agents in all the
different branches of imposition throughout the whole
kingdom of England, allowing these ministers a certain
proportion of the profits accruing from their industry and
skill, and reserving the greatest share for the benefit of
the common stock, which was chargeable with the expense of
fitting out individuals in their various pursuits, as well
as with the loss sustained in the course of their
adventures. Some whose persons and qualifications are by the
company judged adequate to the task, exert their talents in
making love to ladies of fortune, being accommodated with
money and accoutrements for that purpose, after having given
their bonds payable to one or other of the directors, on the
day of marriage, for certain sums, proportioned to the
dowries they are to receive. Others versed in the doctrine
of chances, and certain secret expediences, frequent all
those places where games of hazard are allowed: and such as
are masters in the arts of billiards, tennis, and bowls, are
continually lying in wait, in all the scenes of these
diversions, for the ignorant and unwary. A fourth class
attend horse-races, being skilled in those mysterious
practices by which the knowing ones are taken in. Nor is
this community unfurnished with those who lay wanton wives
and old rich widows under contribution, and extort money, by
prostituting themselves to the embraces of their own sex,
and then threatening their admirers with prosecution. But
their most important returns are made by that body of their
undertakers who exercise their understandings in the
innumerable stratagems of the card table, at which no
sharper can be too infamous to be received, and even
caressed by persons of the highest rank and distinction.
Among other articles of intelligence, our young gentleman
learned, that those agents, by whom their guest was broke,
and expelled from Bath, had constituted a bank against all
sporters, and monopolized the advantage in all sorts of
play. He then told Gauntlet, that, if he would put himself
under his direction, he would return with them, and lay such
a scheme as would infallibly ruin the whole society at
billiards, as he knew that Godfrey excelled them all in his
knowledge of that game.
The soldier excused himself from engaging in any party of
that kind, and after dinner the travellers parted; but, as
the conversation between the two friends turned upon the
information they had received, Peregrine projected a plan
for punishing those villainous pests of society, who prey
upon their fellow-creatures; and it was put in execution by
Gauntlet in the following manner.
CHAPTER LXIX.
Godfrey executes a Scheme at Bath, by which a whole Company
of Sharpers is ruined.
On the evening after their arrival at Bath, Godfrey, who
had kept himself up all day for that purpose, went in boots
to the billiard table; and, two gentlemen being at play,
began to bet with so little appearance of judgment, that one
of the adventurers then present was inflamed with a desire
of profiting by his inexperience; and, when the table was
vacant, invited him to take a game for amusement. The
soldier, assuming the air of a self-conceited dupe,
answered, that he did not choose to throw away his time for
nothing, but, if he pleased, would piddle for a crown a
game. This declaration was very agreeable to the other, who
wanted to be further confirmed in the opinion he had
conceived of the stranger, before he would play for anything
of consequence. The party being accepted, Gauntlet put off
his coat, and, beginning with seeming eagerness, won the
first game, because his antagonist kept up his play with a
view of encouraging him to wager a greater sum. The soldier
purposely bit at the hook, the stakes were doubled, and he
was again victorious, by the permission of his competitor.
He now began to yawn; and observing, that it was not worth
his while to proceed in such a childish manner; the other
swore, in an affected passion, that he would play him for
twenty guineas. The proposal being embraced, through the
connivance of Godfrey, the money was won by the sharper, who
exerted his dexterity to the utmost, fearing that otherwise
his adversary would decline continuing the game.
Godfrey thus conquered, pretended to lose his temper,
cursed his own ill-luck, swore that the table had a cast,
and that the balls did not run true, changed his mast, and
with great warmth, challenged his enemy to double the sum.
The gamester, who feigned reluctance, complied with his
desire; and having got the two first hazards, offered to lay
one hundred guineas to fifty on the game. The odds were
taken; and Godfrey having allowed himself to be overcome,
began to rage with great violence, broke the mast to pieces,
threw the balls out of the window, and, in the fury of his
indignation, defied his antagonist to meet him tomorrow,
when he should be refreshed from the fatigue of travelling.
This was a very welcome invitation to the gamester, who,
imagining that the soldier would turn out a most beneficial
prize, assured him, that he would not fail to be there next
forenoon, in order to give him his revenge.
Gauntlet went home to his lodgings, fully certified of
his own superiority, and took his measures with Peregrine,
touching the prosecution of their scheme; while his opponent
made a report of his success to the brethren of the gang,
who resolved to be present at the deci
