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"THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE"
In which are included Memoirs of a Lady of
Quality
VOLUME II.
CHAPTER LXXIV.
The young Gentleman, having settled his domestic Affairs,
arrives in London, and sets up a gay Equipage—He meets with
Emilia, and is introduced to her Uncle.
His aunt, at the earnest solicitations of Julia and her
husband, took up her quarters at the house of that
affectionate kinswoman, who made it her chief study to
comfort and cherish the disconsolate widow; and Jolter, in
expectation of the living, which was not yet vacant,
remained in garrison, in quality of land-steward upon our
hero's country estate. As for the lieutenant, our young
gentleman communed with him in a serious manner, about the
commodore's proposal of taking Mrs. Trunnion to wife; and
Jack, being quite tired of the solitary situation of a
bachelor, which nothing but the company of his old commander
could have enabled him to support so long, far from
discovering aversion from the match, observed with an arch
smile, that it was not the first time he had commanded a
vessel in the absence of Captain Trunnion; and therefore, if
the widow was willing, he would cheerfully stand by her
helm, and, as he hoped the duty would not be of long
continuance, do his endeavour to steer her safe into port,
where the commodore might come on board, and take charge of
her again.
In consequence of this declaration, it was determined
that Mr. Hatchway should make his addresses to Mrs. Trunnion
as soon as decency would permit her to receive them; and Mr.
Clover and his wife promised to exert their influence on his
behalf. Meanwhile, Jack was desired to live at the castle as
usual, and assured, that it should be put wholly in his
possession, as soon as he should be able to accomplish this
matrimonial scheme.
When Peregrine had settled all these points to his own
satisfaction, he took leave of all his friends, and,
repairing to the great city, purchased a new chariot and
horses, put Pipes and another lacquey into rich liveries,
took elegant lodgings in Pall Mall, and made a most
remarkable appearance among the people of fashion.
It was owing to this equipage, and the gaiety of his
personal deportment, that common fame, which is always a
common liar, represented him as a young gentleman who had
just succeeded to an estate of five thousand pounds per
annum, by the death of an uncle; that he was entitled to an
equal fortune at the decease of his own father, exclusive of
two considerable jointures, which would devolve upon him at
the demise of his mother and aunt. This report, false and
ridiculous as it was, he could not find in his heart to
contradict. Not but that he was sorry to find himself so
misrepresented; but his vanity would not allow him to take
any step that might diminish his importance in the opinion
of those who courted his acquaintance, on the supposition
that his circumstances were actually as affluent as they
were said to be. Nay, so much was he infatuated by this
weakness, that he resolved to encourage the deception, by
living up to the report; and accordingly engaged in the most
expensive parties of pleasure, believing that, before his
present finances should be exhausted, his fortune would be
effectually made, by the personal accomplishments he should
have occasion to display to the beau monde in the course of
his extravagance. In a word, vanity and pride were the
ruling foibles of our adventurer, who imagined himself
sufficiently qualified to retrieve his fortune in various
shapes, long before he could have any idea of want or
difficulty. He thought he should have it in his power, at
any time, to make a prize of a rich heiress, or opulent
widow; his ambition had already aspired to the heart of a
young handsome duchess dowager, to whose acquaintance he had
found means to be introduced; or, should matrimony chance to
be unsuitable to his inclinations, he never doubted, that,
by the interest he might acquire among the nobility, he
should be favoured with some lucrative post, that would
amply recompense him for the liberality of his disposition.
There are many young men who entertain the same
expectations, with half the reason he had to be so
presumptuous.
In the midst of these chimerical calculations, his
passion for Emilia did not subside; but, on the contrary,
began to rage with such an inflammation of desire, that her
idea interfered with every other reflection, and absolutely
disabled him from prosecuting the other lofty schemes which
his imagination had projected. He therefore laid down the
honest resolution of visiting her in all the splendour of
his situation, in order to practise upon her virtue with all
his art and address, to the utmost extent of his affluence
and fortune. Nay, so effectually had his guilty passion
absorbed his principles of honour, conscience, humanity, and
regard for the commodore's last words, that he was base
enough to rejoice at the absence of his friend Godfrey, who,
being then with his regiment in Ireland, could not dive into
his purpose, or take measures for frustrating his vicious
design.
Fraught with these heroic sentiments, he determined to
set out for Sussex in his chariot and six, attended by his
valet-de-chambre and two footmen; and as he was now sensible
that in his last essay he had mistaken his cue, he
determined to change his battery, and sap the fortress, by
the most submissive, soft, and insinuating behaviour.
On the evening that preceded this proposed expedition, he
went into one of the boxes at the playhouse, as usual, to
show himself to the ladies; and reconnoitring the company
through a glass (for no other reason but because it was
fashionable to be purblind), perceived his mistress very
plainly dressed, in one of the seats above the stage,
talking to another young woman of a very homely appearance.
Though his heart beat the alarm with the utmost impatience
at sight of his Emilia, he was for some minutes deterred
from obeying the impulse of his love, by the presence of
some ladies of fashion, who, he feared, would think the
worse of him, should they see him make his compliment in
public to a person of her figure. Nor would the violence of
his inclination have so far prevailed over his pride, as to
lead him thither, had he not recollected, that his quality
friends would look upon her as some handsome Abigail, with
whom he had an affair of gallantry, and of consequence give
him credit for the intrigue.
Encouraged by this suggestion, he complied with the
dictates of love, and flew to the place where his charmer
sat. His air and dress were so remarkable, that it was
almost impossible he should have escaped the eyes of a
curious observer, especially as he had chosen a time for
coming in, when his entrance could not fail to attract the
notice of the spectators; I mean, when the whole house was
hushed in attention to the performance on the stage. Emilia,
therefore, perceived him at his first approach; she found
herself discovered by the direction of his glass, and,
guessing his intention by his abrupt retreat from the box,
summoned all her fortitude to her aid, and prepared for his
reception. He advanced to her with an air of eagerness and
joy, tempered with modesty and respect, and expressed his
satisfaction at seeing her, with a seeming reverence of
regard. Though she was extremely well pleased at this
unexpected behaviour, she suppressed the emotions of her
heart, and answered his compliments with affected ease and
unconcern, such as might denote the good humour of a person
who meets by accident with an indifferent acquaintance.
After having certified himself of her own good health, he
very kindly inquired about her mother and Miss Sophy, gave
her to understand that he had lately been favoured with a
letter from Godfrey; that he had actually intended to set
out next morning on a visit to Mrs. Gauntlet, which, now
that he was so happy as to meet with her, he would postpone,
until he should have the pleasure of attending her to the
country. After having thanked him for his polite intention,
she told him, that her mother was expected in town in a few
days, and that she herself had come to London some weeks
ago, to give attendance upon her aunt, who had been
dangerously ill, but was now pretty well recovered.
Although the conversation of course turned upon general
topics, during the entertainment he took all opportunities
of being particular with his eyes, through which he conveyed
a thousand tender protestations. She saw and inwardly
rejoiced at the humility of his looks; but, far from
rewarding it with one approving glance, she industriously
avoided this ocular intercourse, and rather coquetted with a
young gentleman that ogled her from the opposite box.
Peregrine's penetration easily detected her sentiments, and
he was nettled at her dissimulation, which served to confirm
him in his unwarrantable designs upon her person. He
persisted in his assiduities with indefatigable
perseverance; when the play was concluded, handed her and
her companion into a hackney-coach, and with difficulty was
permitted to escort them to the house of Emilia's uncle, to
whom our hero was introduced by the young lady, as an
intimate friend of her brother Godfrey.
The old gentleman, who was no stranger to the nature of
Peregrine's connection with his sister's family, prevailed
upon him to stay supper, and seemed particularly well
pleased with his conversation and deportment, which, by the
help of his natural sagacity, he wonderfully adapted to the
humour of his entertainer. After supper, when the ladies
were withdrawn, and the citizen called for his pipe, our sly
adventurer followed his example. Though he abhorred the
plant, he smoked with an air of infinite satisfaction, and
expatiated upon the virtues of tobacco, as if he had been
deeply concerned in the Virginia trade. In the progress of
the discourse, he consulted the merchant's disposition; and
the national debt coming upon the carpet, held forth upon
the funds like a professed broker. When the alderman
complained of the restrictions and discouragements of trade,
his guest inveighed against exorbitant duties, with the
nature of which he seemed as well acquainted as any
commissioner of the customs; so that the uncle was
astonished at the extent of his knowledge, and expressed his
surprise that a gay young gentleman like him should have
found either leisure or inclination to consider subjects so
foreign to the fashionable amusements of youth.
Pickle laid hold on this opportunity to tell him, that he
was descended from a race of merchants; and that, early in
life, he had made it his business to instruct himself in the
different branches of trade, which he not only studied as
his family profession, but also as the source of all our
national riches and power. He then launched out in praise of
commerce, and the promoters thereof; and, by way of
contrast, employed all his ridicule in drawing such
ludicrous pictures of the manners and education of what is
called high life, that the trader's sides were shaken by
laughter, even to the danger of his life; and he looked upon
our adventurer as a miracle of sobriety and good sense.
Having thus ingratiated himself with the uncle, Peregrine
took his leave, and next day, in the forenoon, visited the
niece in his chariot, after she had been admonished by her
kinsman to behave with circumspection, and cautioned against
neglecting or discouraging the addresses of such a valuable
admirer.
CHAPTER LXXV.
He prosecutes his Design upon Emilia with great Art and
Perseverance.
Our adventurer, having by his hypocrisy obtained free
access to his mistress, began the siege by professing the
most sincere contrition for his former levity, and imploring
her forgiveness with such earnest supplication, that,
guarded as she was against his flattering arts, she began to
believe his protestations, which were even accompanied with
tears, and abated a good deal of that severity and distance
she had proposed to maintain during this interview. She
would not, however, favour him with the least acknowledgment
of a mutual passion, because, in the midst of his vows of
eternal constancy and truth, he did not mention one syllable
of wedlock, though he was now entirely master of his own
conduct, and this consideration created a doubt, which
fortified her against all his attacks. Yet, what her
discretion would have concealed, was discovered by her eyes,
which, in spite of all her endeavours, breathed forth
complacency and love; for her inclination was flattered by
her own self-sufficiency, which imputed her admirer's
silence in that particular to the hurry and perturbation of
his spirits, and persuaded her that he could not possibly
regard her with any other than honourable intentions.
The insidious lover exulted in the tenderness of her
looks, from which he presaged a complete victory; but, that
he might not overshoot himself by his own precipitation, he
would not run the risk of declaring himself, until her heart
should be so far entangled within his snares, as that
neither the suggestions of honour, prudence, nor pride,
should be able to disengage it. Armed with this resolution,
he restrained the impatience of his temper within the limits
of the most delicate deportment. After having solicited and
obtained permission to attend her to the next opera, he took
her by the hand, and, pressing it to his lips, in the most
respectful manner, went away, leaving her in a most
whimsical state of suspense, chequered with an interesting
vicissitude of hope and fear. On the appointed day, he
appeared again about five o'clock in the afternoon, and
found her native charms so much improved by the advantages
of dress, that he was transported with admiration and
delight; and, while he conducted her to the Haymarket, could
scarce bridle the impetuosity of his passion, so as to
observe the forbearing maxims he had adopted. When she
entered the pit, he had abundance of food for the
gratification of his vanity; for, in a moment, she eclipsed
all the female part of the audience; each individual
allowing in her own heart that the stranger was by far the
handsomest woman there present, except herself.
Here it was that our hero enjoyed a double triumph; he
was vain of this opportunity to enhance his reputation for
gallantry among the ladies of fashion who knew him, and
proud of an occasion to display his quality acquaintance to
Emilia, that she might entertain the greater idea of the
conquest she had made, and pay the more deference to his
importance in the sequel of his addresses. That he might
profit as much as possible by this situation, he went up and
accosted every person in the pit, with whom he ever had
least communication, whispered and laughed with an affected
air of familiarity, and even bowed at a distance to some of
the nobility, on the slender foundation of having stood near
them at court, or presented them with a pinch of rappee at
White's chocolate-house.
This ridiculous ostentation, though now practised with a
view of promoting his design, was a weakness that, in some
degree, infected the whole of his behaviour; for nothing
gave him so much joy in conversation, as an opportunity of
giving the company to understand how well he was with
persons of distinguished rank and character. He would often,
for example, observe, as it were occasionally, that the Duke
of G— was one of the best-natured men in the world, and
illustrate this assertion by some instance of his
affability, in which he himself was concerned. Then, by an
abrupt transition, he would repeat some repartee of Lady T—,
and mention a certain bon mot of the Earl of C—, which was
uttered in his hearing.
Abundance of young men in this manner make free with the
names, though they have never had access to the persons of
the nobility; but this was not the case with Peregrine, who,
in consideration of his appearance and supposed fortune,
together with the advantage of his introduction, was, by
this time, freely admitted to the tables of the great.
In his return with Emilia from the opera, though he still
maintained the most scrupulous decorum in his behaviour, he
plied her with the most passionate expressions of love,
squeezed her hand with great fervency, protested that his
whole soul was engrossed by her idea, and that he could not
exist independent of her favour. Pleased as she was with his
warm and pathetic addresses, together with the respectful
manner of his making love, she yet had prudence and
resolution sufficient to contain her tenderness, which was
ready to run over; being fortified against his arts, by
reflecting, that, if his aim was honourable, it was now his
business to declare it. On this consideration, she refused
to make any serious reply to his earnest expostulations, but
affected to receive them as the undetermined effusions of
gallantry and good breeding.
This fictitious gaiety and good-humour, though it baffled
his hope of extorting from her an acknowledgment of which he
might have taken immediate advantage, nevertheless
encouraged him to observe, as the chariot passed along the
Strand, that the night was far advanced; that supper would
certainly be over before they could reach her uncle's house;
and to propose that he should wait upon her to some place,
where they might be accommodated with a slight refreshment.
She was offended at the freedom of this proposal, which,
however, she treated as a joke, thanking him for his
courteous offer, and assuring him, that when she should be
disposed for a tavern treat, he alone would have the honour
of bestowing it.
Her kinsman being engaged with company abroad, and her
aunt retired to rest, he had the good fortune to enjoy a
tete-a-tete with her during a whole hour, which he employed
with such consummate skill, that her caution was almost
overcome. He not only assailed her with the artillery of
sighs, vows, prayers, and tears, but even pawned his honour
in behalf of his love. He swore, with many imprecations,
that although her heart was surrendered to him at
discretion, there was a principle within him, which would
never allow him to injure such innocence and beauty; and the
transports of his passion had, upon this occasion so far
overshot his purpose, that if she had demanded an
explanation while he was thus agitated, he would have
engaged himself to her wish by such ties as he could not
break with any regard to his reputation. But from such
expostulation she was deterred, partly by pride, and partly
by the dread of finding herself mistaken in such an
interesting conjecture. She therefore enjoyed the present
flattering appearance of her fate, was prevailed upon to
accept the jewels which he purchased with part of his
winning at Bath, and, with the most enchanting
condescension, submitted to a warm embrace when he took his
leave, after having obtained permission to visit her as
often as his inclination and convenience would permit.
In his return to his own lodgings, he was buoyed up with
his success to an extravagance of hope, already
congratulated himself upon his triumph over Emilia's virtue,
and began to project future conquests among the most
dignified characters of the female sex. But his attention
was not at all dissipated by these vain reflections; he
resolved to concentrate the whole exertion of his soul upon
the execution of his present plan, desisted, in the
meantime, from all other schemes of pleasure, interest, and
ambition, and took lodgings in the city, for the more
commodious accomplishment of his purpose. While our lover's
imagination was thus agreeably regaled, his mistress did not
enjoy her expectations without the intervention of doubts
and anxiety. His silence, touching the final aim of his
addresses, was a mystery on which she was afraid of
exercising her sagacity; and her uncle tormented her with
inquiries into the circumstances of Peregrine's professions
and deportment. Rather than give this relation the least
cause for suspicion, which must have cut off all intercourse
betwixt her and her admirer, she said everything which she
thought would satisfy his care and concern for her welfare;
and, in consequence of such representation, she enjoyed,
without reserve, the company of our adventurer, who
prosecuted his plan with surprising eagerness and
perseverance.
CHAPTER LXXVI.
He prevails upon Emilia to accompany him to a Masquerade,
makes a treacherous Attempt upon her Affection, and meets
with a deserved Repulse.
Scarce a night elapsed in which he did not conduct her to
some public entertainment. When, by the dint of his
insidious carriage, he thought himself in full possession of
her confidence and affection, he lay in wait for an
opportunity; and, hearing her observe in conversation, that
she had never been at a masquerade, begged leave to attend
her to the next ball; at the same time extending his
invitation to the young lady in whose company he had found
her at the play, she being present when this subject of
discourse was introduced. He had flattered himself, that
this gentlewoman would decline the proposal, as she was a
person seemingly of a demure disposition, who had been born
and bred in the city, where such diversions are looked upon
as scenes of lewdness and debauchery. For once, however, he
reckoned without his host; curiosity is as prevalent in the
city as at the court end of the town. Emilia no sooner
signified her assent to his proposal, than her friend, with
an air of satisfaction, agreed to make one of the party; and
he was obliged to thank her for that complaisance, which
laid him under infinite mortification. He set his genius at
work to invent some scheme for preventing her unseasonable
intrusion. Had an opportunity offered, he would have acted
as her physician, and administered a medicine that would
have laid her under the necessity of staying at home. But
his acquaintance with her being too slight to furnish him
with the means of executing this expedient, he devised
another, which was practised with all imaginable success.
Understanding that her grandmother had left her a sum of
money independent of her parents, he conveyed a letter to
her mother, intimating, that her daughter, on pretence of
going to the masquerade, intended to bestow herself in
marriage to a certain person, and that in a few days she
would be informed of the circumstances of the whole
intrigue, provided she would keep this information secret,
and contrive some excuse for detaining the young lady at
home, without giving her cause to believe she was apprised
of her intention. This billet, subscribed "Your well-wisher,
and unknown humble servant," had the desired effect upon the
careful matron, who, on the ball day, feigned herself so
extremely ill, that Miss could not with any decency quit her
mamma's apartment; and therefore sent her apology to Emilia
in the afternoon, immediately after the arrival of
Peregrine, who pretended to be very much afflicted with the
disappointment, while his heart throbbed with a transport of
joy.
About ten o'clock the lovers set out for the Haymarket,
he being dressed in the habit of Pantaloon, and she in that
of Columbine; and they had scarce entered the house when the
music struck up, the curtain was withdrawn, and the whole
scene displayed at once, to the admiration of Emilia, whose
expectation was infinitely surpassed by this exhibition. Our
gallant having conducted her through all the different
apartments, and described the economy of the place, led her
into the circle, and, in their turn, they danced several
minuets; then going to the sideboard, he prevailed upon her
to eat some sweetmeats and drink a glass of champagne. After
a second review of the company, they engaged in country
dances, at which exercise they continued until our
adventurer concluded that his partner's blood was
sufficiently warm for the prosecution of his design. On this
supposition, which was built upon her declaring that she was
thirsty and fatigued, he persuaded her to take a little
refreshment and repose; and, for that purpose, handed her
downstairs into the eating-room, where, having seated her on
the floor, he presented her with a glass of wine and water;
and, as she complained of being faint, enriched the draught
with some drops of a certain elixir, which he recommended as
a most excellent restorative, though it was no other than a
stimulating tincture, which he had treacherously provided
for the occasion. Having swallowed this potion, by which her
spirits were manifestly exhilarated, she ate a slice of ham,
with the wing of a cold pullet, and concluded the meal with
a glass of burgundy, which she drank at the earnest entreaty
of her admirer. These extraordinary cordials co-operating
with the ferment of her blood, which was heated by violent
motion, could not fail to affect the constitution of a
delicate young creature, who was naturally sprightly and
volatile. Her eyes began to sparkle with unusual fire and
vivacity, a thousand brilliant sallies of wit escaped her,
and every mask that accosted her underwent some smarting
repartee.
Peregrine, overjoyed at the success of his
administration, proposed that they should resume their
places at the country dances, with a view to promote and
assist the efficacy of his elixir; and, when he thought her
disposition was properly adapted for the theme, began to ply
her with all the elocution of love. In order to elevate his
own spirits to that pitch of resolution which his scheme
required, he drank two whole bottles of burgundy, which
inflamed his passion to such a degree, that he found himself
capable of undertaking and perpetrating any scheme for the
gratification of his desire.
Emilia, warmed by so many concurring incentives, in
favour of the man she loved, abated considerably of her
wonted reserve, listened to his protestations with
undissembled pleasure, and, in the confidence of her
satisfaction, even owned him absolute master of her
affections. Ravished with this confession, he now deemed
himself on the brink of reaping the delicious fruits of his
art and assiduity; and the morning being already pretty far
advanced, assented with rapture to the first proposal she
made of retiring to her lodgings. The blinds of the chariot
being pulled up, he took advantage of the favourable
situation of her thoughts; and, on pretence of being
whimsical, in consequence of the wine he had swallowed,
clasped her in his arms, and imprinted a thousand kisses on
her pouting lips, a freedom which she pardoned as the
privilege of intoxication. While he thus indulged himself
with impunity, the carriage halted, and Pipes opening the
door, his master handed her into the passage, before she
perceived that it was not her uncle's house at which they
had alighted.
Alarmed at this discovery, she, with some confusion,
desired to know his reason for conducting her to a strange
place at these hours. But he made no reply, until he had led
her into an apartment, when he gave her to understand, that,
as her uncle's family must be disturbed by her going thither
so late in the night, and the streets near Temple-bar were
infested by a multitude of robbers and cut-throats, he had
ordered his coachman to halt at this house, which was kept
by a relation of his, a mighty good sort of a gentlewoman,
who would be proud of an opportunity to accommodate a person
for whom he was known to entertain such tenderness and
esteem.
Emilia had too much penetration to be imposed upon by
this plausible pretext. In spite of her partiality for
Peregrine, which had never been inflamed to such a pitch of
complacency before, she comprehended his whole plan in a
twinkling. Though her blood boiled with indignation, she
thanked him with an affected air of serenity for his kind
concern, and expressed her obligation to his cousin; but, at
the same time, insisted upon going home, lest her absence
should terrify her uncle and aunt, who, she knew, would not
retire to rest till her return.
He urged her, with a thousand remonstrances, to consult
her own ease and safety, promising to send Pipes into the
city, for the satisfaction of her relations. But, finding
her obstinately deaf to his entreaties, he assured her, that
he would, in a few minutes, comply with her request; and, in
the meantime, begged she would fortify herself against the
cold with a cordial, which he poured out in her presence,
and which, now that her suspicion was aroused, she refused
to taste, notwithstanding all his importunities. He then
fell on his knees before her, and the tears gushing from his
eyes, swore that his passion was wound up to such a pitch of
impatience, that he could no longer live upon the
unsubstantial food of expectation; and that, if she would
not vouchsafe to crown his happiness, he would forthwith
sacrifice himself to her disdain. Such an abrupt address,
accompanied with all the symptoms of frantic agitation,
could not fail to perplex and affright the gentle Emilia,
who, after some recollection, replied with a resolute tone,
that she could not see what reason he had to complain of her
reserve, which she was not at liberty to lay entirely aside,
until he should have avowed his intentions in form, and
obtained the sanction of those whom it was her duty to obey.
"Divine creature!" cried he, seizing her hand, and pressing
it to his lips, "it is from you alone I hope for that
condescension, which would overwhelm me with the transports
of celestial bliss. The sentiments of parents are sordid,
silly, and confined. I mean not then to subject my passion
to such low restrictions as were calculated for the purposes
of common life. My love is too delicate and refined to wear
those vulgar fetters, which serve only to destroy the merit
of voluntary affection, and to upbraid a man incessantly
with the articles of compulsion, under which he lies. My
dear angel! spare me the mortification of being compelled to
love you, and reign sole empress of my heart and fortune. I
will not affront you so much as to talk of settlements; my
all is at your disposal. In this pocket-book are notes to
the amount of two thousand pounds; do me the pleasure to
accept of them; to-morrow I will lay ten thousand more in
your lap. In a word, you shall be mistress of my whole
estate, and I shall think myself happy in living dependent
on your bounty!"
Heavens! what were the emotions of the virtuous, the
sensible, the delicate, the tender Emilia's heart, when she
heard this insolent declaration from the mouth of a man whom
she had honoured with her affection and esteem! It was not
simply horror, grief, or indignation, that she felt, in
consequence of this unworthy treatment, but the united pangs
of all together, which produced a sort of hysteric laughter,
while she told him that she could not help admiring his
generosity.
Deceived by this convulsion, and the ironical compliment
that attended it, the lover thought he had already made
great progress in his operations, and that it was now his
business to storm the fort by a vigorous assault, that he
might spare her the confusion of yielding without
resistance. Possessed by this vain suggestion, he started
up, and, folding her in his arms, began to obey the furious
dictates of his unruly and ungenerous desire. With an air of
cool determination, she demanded a parley; and when, upon
her repeated request, he granted it, addressed herself to
him in these words, while her eyes gleamed with all the
dignity of the most awful resentment:—
"Sir, I scorn to upbraid you with a repetition of your
former vows and protestations, nor will I recapitulate the
little arts you have practised to ensnare my heart; because,
though by dint of the most perfidious dissimulation you have
found means to deceive my opinion, your utmost efforts have
never been able to lull the vigilance of my conduct, or to
engage my affection beyond the power of discarding you
without a tear, whenever my honour should demand such a
sacrifice. Sir, you are unworthy of my concern or regret,
and the sigh that now struggles from my breast is the result
of sorrow, for my own want of discernment. As for your
present attempt upon my chastity, I despise your power, as I
detest your intention. Though, under the mask of the most
delicate respect, you have decoyed me from the immediate
protection of my friends, and contrived other impious
stratagems to ruin my peace and reputation, I confide too
much in my own innocence, and the authority of the law, to
admit one thought of fear, much less to sink under the
horror of this shocking situation, into which I have been
seduced. Sir, your behaviour on this occasion is, in all
respects, low and contemptible. For, ruffian as you are, you
durst not harbour the thought of executing your execrable
scheme, while you knew my brother was near enough to prevent
or revenge the insult; so that you must not only be a
treacherous villain, but also a most despicable coward."
Having expressed herself in this manner, with a most
majestic severity of aspect, she opened the door, and
walking down-stairs with surprising resolution, committed
herself to the care of a watchman, who accommodated her with
a hackney-chair, in which she was safely conveyed to her
uncle's house.
Meanwhile, the lover was so confounded and overawed by
these cutting reproaches, and her animated behaviour, that
all his resolution forsook him, and he found himself not
only incapable of obstructing her retreat, but even of
uttering one syllable to deprecate her wrath, or extenuate
the guilt of his own conduct. The nature of his
disappointment, and the keen remorse that seized him, when
he reflected upon the dishonourable footing on which his
character stood with Emilia, raised such perturbation in his
mind, that his silence was succeeded by a violent fit of
distraction, during which he raved like a bedlamite, and
acted a thousand extravagancies, which convinced the people
of the house, a certain bagnio, that he had actually lost
his wits. Pipes, with great concern, adopted the same
opinion; and, being assisted by the waiters, hindered him,
by main force, from running out and pursuing the fair
fugitive, whom, in his delirium, he alternately cursed and
commended with horrid imprecations and lavish applause. His
faithful valet, having waited two whole hours, in hopes of
seeing this gust of passion overblown, and perceiving that
the paroxysm seemed rather to increase, very prudently sent
for a physician of his master's acquaintance, who, having
considered the circumstances and symptoms of the disorder,
directed that he should be plentifully blooded, without loss
of time, and prescribed a draught to compose the tumult of
his spirits. These orders being punctually performed, he
grew more calm and tractable, recovered his reflection so
far as to be ashamed of the ecstasy he had undergone, and
suffered himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed,
where the fatigue occasioned by his exercise at the
masquerade co-operated with the present dissipation of his
spirits to lull him into a profound sleep, which greatly
tended to the preservation of his intellects. Not that he
found himself in a state of perfect tranquility when he
waked about noon. The remembrance of what had passed
overwhelmed him with mortification. Emilia's invectives
still sounded in his ears. And, while he deeply resented her
disdain, he could not help admiring her spirit, and his
heart did homage to her charms.
CHAPTER LXXVII.
He endeavours to Reconcile himself to his Mistress, and
Expostulates with the Uncle, who forbids him the House.
In this state of division, he went home to his own
lodgings in a chair; and while he deliberated with himself
whether he should relinquish the pursuit, and endeavour to
banish her idea from his breast, or go immediately and
humble himself before his exasperated mistress, and offer
his hand as an atonement for his crime, his servant put in
his hand a packet, which had been delivered by a ticket
porter at the door. He no sooner perceived that the
superscription was in Emilia's handwriting, than he guessed
the nature of the contents; and, opening the seal with
disordered eagerness, found the jewels he had given to her
enclosed in a billet, couched in these words:—
"That I may have no cause to reproach myself with having
retained the least memorial of a wretch whom I equally
despise and abhor, I take this opportunity of restoring
these ineffectual instruments of his infamous design upon
the honour of
"Emilia."
His chagrin was so much galled and inflamed at the
bitterness of this contemptuous message, that he gnawed his
fingers till the blood ran over his nails, and even wept
with vexation. Sometimes he vowed revenge against her
haughty virtue, and reviled himself for his precipitate
declaration, before his scheme was brought to maturity; then
he would consider her behaviour with reverence and regard,
and bow before the irresistible power of her attractions. In
short, his breast was torn by conflicting passions: love,
shame, and remorse, contended with vanity, ambition, and
revenge; and the superiority was still doubtful when
headstrong desire interposed, and decided in favour of an
attempt towards a reconciliation with the offended fair.
Impelled by this motive, he set out in the afternoon for
the house of her uncle, not without hopes of that tender
enjoyment, which never fails to attend an accommodation
betwixt two lovers of taste and sensibility. Though the
consciousness of his trespass encumbered him with an air of
awkward confusion, he was too confident of his own
qualifications and address to despair of forgiveness; and,
by that time he arrived at the citizen's gate, he had conned
a very artful and pathetic harangue, which he proposed to
utter in his own behalf, laying the blame of his conduct on
the impetuosity of his passion, increased by the burgundy
which he had too liberally drunk; but he did not meet with
an opportunity to avail himself of this preparation. Emilia,
suspecting that he would take some step of this kind to
retrieve her favour, had gone abroad on pretence of
visiting, after having signified to her kinsman her
resolution to avoid the company of Peregrine, on account of
some ambiguities which, she said, were last night remarkable
in his demeanour at the masquerade. She chose to insinuate
her suspicion in these hints, rather than give an explicit
detail of the young man's dishonourable contrivance, which
might have kindled the resentment of the family to some
dangerous pitch of animosity and revenge.
Our adventurer, finding himself baffled in his
expectation of seeing her, inquired for the old gentleman,
with whom he thought he had influence enough to make his
apology good, in case he should find him prepossessed by the
young lady's information. But here too he was disappointed,
the uncle having gone to dine in the country, and his wife
was indisposed; so that he had no pretext for staying in the
house till the return of his charmer. Being, however,
fruitful of expedients, he dismissed his chariot, and took
possession of a room in a tavern, the windows of which
fronted the merchant's gate; and there he proposed to watch
until he should see her approach. This scheme he put in
practice with indefatigable patience, though it was not
attended with the expected success.
Emilia, whose caution was equally vigilant and
commendable, foreseeing that she might be exposed to the
fertility of his invention, came home by a private passage,
and entered by a postern, which was altogether unknown to
her admirer; and her uncle did not arrive until it was so
late that he could not, with any decency, demand a
conference.
Next morning, he did not fail to present himself at the
door, and his mistress being denied by her own express
direction, insisted upon seeing the master of the house, who
received him with such coldness of civility, as plainly gave
him to understand that he was acquainted with the
displeasure of his niece. He, therefore, with an air of
candour, told the citizen, he could easily perceive by his
behaviour that he was the confidant of Miss Emily, of whom
he was come to ask pardon for the offence he had given; and
did not doubt, if he could be admitted to her presence, that
he should be able to convince her that he had not erred
intentionally, or at least propose such reparation as would
effectually atone for his fault.
To this remonstrance the merchant, without any ceremony
or circumlocution, answered, that though he was ignorant of
the nature of his offence, he was very certain, that it must
have been something very flagrant that could irritate his
niece to such a degree, against a person for whom she had
formerly a most particular regard. He owned, she had
declared her intention to renounce his acquaintance for
ever, and, doubtless, she had good reason for so doing;
neither would he undertake to promote an accommodation,
unless he would give him full power to treat on the score of
matrimony, which he supposed would be the only means of
evincing his own sincerity, and obtaining Emilia's
forgiveness. Peregrine's pride was kindled by this blunt
declaration, which he could not help considering as the
result of a scheme concerted betwixt the young lady and her
uncle, in order to take advantage of his heat. He therefore
replied, with manifest signs of disgust, that he did not
apprehend there was any occasion for a mediator to reconcile
the difference betwixt Emilia and him; and that all he
desired was an opportunity of pleading in his own behalf.
The citizen frankly told him, that, as his niece had
expressed an earnest desire of avoiding his company, he
would not put the least constraint upon her inclination;
and, in the meantime, gave him to know, that he was
particularly engaged. Our hero, glowing with indignation at
this supercilious treatment, "I was in the wrong," said he,
"to look for good manners so far on this side of Temple-bar;
but you must give me leave to tell you, sir, that unless I
am favoured with an interview with Miss Gauntlet, I shall
conclude that you have actually laid a constraint upon her
inclination, for some sinister purposes of your own."—"Sir,"
replied the old gentleman, "you are welcome to make what
conclusions shall seem good unto your own imagination; but
pray be so good as to allow me the privilege of being master
in my own house." So saying, he very complaisantly showed
him to the door; and our lover being diffident of his own
temper, as well as afraid of being used with greater
indignity, in a place where his personal prowess would only
serve to heighten his disgrace, quitted the house in a
transport of rage, which he could not wholly suppress,
telling the landlord, that if his age did not protect him,
he would have chastised him for his insolent behaviour.
CHAPTER LXXVIII.
He projects a violent Scheme, in consequence of which he is
involved in a most fatiguing Adventure, which greatly tends
towards the Augmentation of his Chagrin.
Thus debarred of personal communication with his
mistress, he essayed to retrieve her good graces by the most
submissive and pathetic letters, which he conveyed by divers
artifices to her perusal; but, reaping no manner of benefit
from these endeavours, his passion acquired a degree of
impatience little inferior to downright frenzy; and he
determined to run every risk of life, fortune, and
reputation, rather than desist from his unjustifiable
pursuit. Indeed, his resentment was now as deeply concerned
as his love, and each of these passions equally turbulent
and loud in demanding gratification. He kept sentinels
continually in pay, to give him notice of her outgoings, in
expectation of finding some opportunity to carry her off;
but her circumspection entirely frustrated this design, for
she suspected everything of that sort from a disposition
like his, and regulated her motions accordingly.
Baffled by her prudence and penetration, he altered his
plan. On pretence of being called to his country house by
some affair of importance, he departed from London, and,
taking lodgings at a farmer's house that stood near the road
through which she must have necessarily passed in her return
to her mother, concealed himself from all intercourse,
except with his valet-de-chambre and Pipes, who had orders
to scour the country, and reconnoitre every horse, coach, or
carriage, that should appear on that highway, with a view of
intercepting his Emilia in her passage.
He had waited in this ambuscade a whole week, when his
valet gave him notice, that he and his fellow-scout had
discovered a chaise-and-six, driving at full speed towards
them; upon which they had flapped their hats over their
eyes, so as they might not be known, in case they should be
seen, and concealed themselves behind a hedge, from whence
they could perceive in the carriage, as it passed, a young
man plainly dressed, with a lady in a mask, of the exact
size, shape, and air of Emilia; and that Pipes followed them
at a distance, while he rode back to communicate this piece
of intelligence.
Peregrine would scarce allow him time to conclude his
information. He ran down to the stable, where his horse was
kept ready saddled for the purpose, and, never doubting that
the lady in question was his mistress, attended by one of
her uncle's clerks, mounted immediately, and rode full
gallop after the chaise, which, when he had proceeded about
two miles, he understood from Pipes, had put up at a
neighbouring inn. Though his inclination prompted him to
enter her apartment without further delay, he suffered
himself to be dissuaded from taking such a precipitate step,
by his privy counsellor, who observed, that it would be
impracticable to execute his purpose of conveying her
against her will from a public inn, that stood in the midst
of a populous village, which would infallibly rise in her
defence. He advised him therefore to be in wait for the
chaise, in some remote and private part of the road, where
they might accomplish their aim without difficulty or
danger. In consequence of this admonition our adventurer
ordered Pipes to reconnoitre the inn, that she might not
escape another way, while he and the valet, in order to
avoid being seen, took a circuit by an unfrequented path,
and placed themselves in ambush, on a spot which they chose
for the scene of their achievement. Here they tarried a full
hour, without seeing the carriage, or hearing from their
sentinel. So that the youth, unable to exert his patience
one moment longer, left the foreigner in his station, and
rode back to his faithful lacquey, who assured him, that the
travellers had not yet hove up their anchor, or proceeded on
their voyage.
Notwithstanding this information, Pickle began to
entertain such alarming suspicions, that he could not
refrain from advancing to the gate, and inquire for the
company which had lately arrived in a chaise-and-six. The
innkeeper, who was not at all pleased with the behaviour of
those passengers, did not think proper to observe the
instructions he had received: on the contrary, he plainly
told him, that the chaise did not halt, but only entered at
one door, and went out at the other, with a view to deceive
those who pursued it, as he guessed from the words of the
gentleman, who had earnestly desired that his route might be
concealed from any person who should inquire about their
motions. "As for my own peart, measter," continued this
charitable publican, "I believes as how they are no better
than they should be, else they wouldn't be in such a deadly
fear of being overtaken. Methinks, said I, when I saw them
in such a woundy pother to be gone, oddsheartlikins! this
must be some London 'prentice running away with his
measter's daughter, as sure as I'm a living soul. But, be he
who he will, sartain it is, a has nothing of the gentleman
about en; for, thof a asked such a favour, a never once put
hand in pocket, or said, 'Dog, will you drink?' Howsomever,
that don't argufy in reverence of his being in a hurry; and
a man may be sometimes a little too judgmatical in his
conjectures." In all probability, this loquacious landlord
would have served the travellers effectually, had Peregrine
heard him to an end; but this impetuous youth, far from
listening to the sequel of his observations, interrupted him
in the beginning of his career, by asking eagerly which road
they followed; and, having received the innkeeper's
directions, clapped spurs to his horse, commanding Pipes to
make the valet acquainted with the course, that they might
attend him with all imaginable despatch.
By the publican's account of their conduct, his former
opinion was fully confirmed. He plied his steed to the
height of his mettle; and so much was his imagination
engrossed by the prospect of having Emilia in his power,
that he did not perceive the road on which he travelled was
quite different from that which led to the habitation of
Mrs. Gauntlet. The valet-de-chambre was an utter stranger to
that part of the country; and, as for Mr. Pipes, such
considerations were altogether foreign to the economy of his
reflection.
Ten long miles had our hero rode, when his eyes were
blessed with the sight of the chaise ascending an hill, at
the distance of a good league; upon which he doubled his
diligence in such a manner, that he gained upon the carriage
every minute, and at length approached so near to it, that
he could discern the lady and her conductor, with their
heads thrust out at the windows, looking back, and speaking
to the driver alternately, as if they earnestly besought him
to augment the speed of his cattle.
Being thus, as it were, in sight of port, while he
crossed the road, his horse happened to plunge into a
cart-rut with such violence, that he was thrown several
yards over his head; and, the beast's shoulder being slipped
by the fall, he found himself disabled from plucking the
fruit, which was almost within his reach; for he had left
his servants at a considerable distance behind him; and
although they had been at his back, and supplied him with
another horse, they were so indifferently mounted, that he
could not reasonably expect to overtake the flyers, who
profited so much by this disaster that the chaise vanished
in a moment.
It may be easily conceived how a young man of his
disposition passed his time, in this tantalizing situation.
He ejaculated with great fervency; but his prayers were not
the effects of resignation. He ran back on foot, with
incredible speed, in order to meet his valet, whom he
unhorsed in a twinkling, and, taking his seat, began to
exercise his whip and spurs, after having ordered the Swiss
to follow him on the other gelding, and committed the lame
hunter to the care of Pipes.
Matters being adjusted in this manner, our adventurer
prosecuted the race with all his might; and, having made
some progress, was informed by a countryman, that the chaise
had struck off into another road, and, according to his
judgment, was by that time about three miles ahead; though,
in all probability, the horses would not be able to hold out
much longer, because they seemed to be quite spent when they
passed his door. Encouraged by this intimation, Peregrine
pushed on with great alacrity, though he could not regain
sight of the desired object, till the clouds of night began
to deepen, and even then he enjoyed nothing more than a
transient glimpse; for the carriage was no sooner seen, than
shrouded again from his view. These vexatious circumstances
animated his endeavours, while they irritated his chagrin.
In short, he continued his pursuit, till the night was far
advanced, and himself so uncertain about the object of his
care, that he entered a solitary inn, with a view of
obtaining some intelligence, when, to his infinite joy, he
perceived the chaise standing by itself, and the horses
panting in the yard.
In full confidence of his having arrived at last at the
goal of all his wishes, he alighted instantaneously, and,
running up to the coachman, with a pistol in his hand,
commanded him, in an imperious tone, to conduct him to the
lady's chamber, on pain of death. The driver, affrighted at
this menacing address, protested, with great humility, that
he did not know whither his fare had retired; for that he
himself was paid and dismissed from the service, because he
would not undertake to drive them all night across the
country without stopping to refresh his horses. But he
promised to go in quest of the waiter, who would show him to
their apartment. He was accordingly detached on that errand,
while our hero stood sentinel at the gate, till the arrival
of his valet-de-chambre, who, joining him by accident,
before the coachman returned, relieved him in his watch; and
then the young gentleman, exasperated at his messenger's
delay, rushed, with fury in his eyes, from room to room,
denouncing vengeance upon the whole family; but he did not
meet with one living soul, until he entered the garret,
where he found the landlord and his wife in bed. This
chicken-hearted couple, by the light of a rush candle that
burned on the hearth, seeing a stranger burst into the
chamber, in such a terrible attitude, were seized with
consternation; and, exalting their voices, in a most
lamentable strain, begged, for the passion of Christ, that
he would spare their lives, and take all they had.
Peregrine guessing, from this exclamation, and the
circumstance of their being abed, that they mistook him for
a robber, and were ignorant of that which he wanted to know,
dispelled their terror, by making them acquainted with the
cause of his visit, and desired the husband to get up with
all possible despatch, in order to assist and attend him in
his search.
Thus reinforced, he rummaged every corner of the inn, and
at last, finding the hostler in the stable, was by him
informed, to his unspeakable mortification, that the
gentleman and lady who arrived in the chaise, had
immediately hired post-horses for a certain village at the
distance of fifteen miles, and departed without halting for
the least refreshment. Our adventurer, mad with his
disappointment, mounted his horse in an instant, and, with
his attendant, took the same road, with full determination
to die, rather than desist from the prosecution of his
design. He had, by this time, rode upwards of thirty miles,
since three o'clock in the afternoon; so that the horses
were almost quite jaded, and travelled this stage so slowly,
that it was morning before they reached the place of their
destination, where, far from finding the fugitives, he
understood that no such persons as he described had passed
that way, and that, in all likelihood, they had taken a
quite contrary direction, while in order to mislead him in
his pursuit, they had amused the hostler with a false route.
This conjecture was strengthened by his perceiving, now for
the first time, that he had deviated a considerable way from
the road, through which they must have journeyed, in order
to arrive at the place of her mother's residence; and these
suggestions utterly deprived him of the small remains of
recollection which he had hitherto retained. His eyes rolled
about, witnessing rage and distraction; he foamed at the
mouth, stamped upon the ground with great violence, uttered
incoherent imprecations against himself and all mankind, and
would have sallied forth again, he knew not whither, upon
the same horse, which he had already almost killed with
fatigue, had not his confidant found means to quiet the
tumult of his thoughts, and recall his reflection, by
representing the condition of the poor animals, and advising
him to hire fresh horses, and ride post across the country,
to the village in the neighbourhood of Mrs. Gauntlet's
habitation, where they should infallibly intercept the
daughter, provided they could get the start of her upon the
road.
Peregrine not only relished, but forthwith acted in
conformity with this good counsel. His own horses were
committed to the charge of the landlord, with directions for
Pipes, in case he should come in quest of his master: and, a
couple of stout geldings being prepared, he and his valet
took the road again, steering their course according to the
motions of the post-boy, who undertook to be their guide.
They had almost finished the first stage, when they descried
a post-chaise just halting at the inn where they proposed to
change horses; upon which our adventurer, glowing with a
most interesting presage, put his beast to the full speed,
and approached near enough to distinguish, as the travellers
quitted the carriage, that he had at last come up with the
very individual persons whom he had pursued so long.
Flushed with this discovery, he galloped into the yard so
suddenly, that the lady and her conductor scarce had time to
shut themselves up in a chamber, to which they retreated
with great precipitation; so that the pursuer was now
certain of having housed his prey. That he might, however,
leave nothing to fortune, he placed himself upon the stair
by which they had ascended to the apartment, and sent up his
compliments to the young lady, desiring the favour of being
admitted to her presence, otherwise he should be obliged to
waive all ceremony, and take that liberty which she would
not give. The servant, having conveyed his message through
the keyhole, returned with an answer, importing that she
would adhere to the resolution she had taken, and perish,
rather than comply with his will. Our adventurer, without
staying to make any rejoinder to this reply, ran upstairs,
and, thundering at the door for entrance, was given to
understand by the nymph's attendant, that a blunderbuss was
ready primed for his reception, and that he would do well to
spare him the necessity of shedding blood in defence of a
person who had put herself under his protection. "All the
laws of the land," said he, "cannot now untie the knots by
which we are bound together; and therefore I will guard her
as my own property; so that you had better desist from your
fruitless attempt, and thereby consult your own safety; for,
by the God that made me! I will discharge my piece upon you,
as soon as you set your nose within the door; and your blood
be upon your own head."
These menaces, from a citizen's clerk, would have been
sufficient motives for Pickle to storm the breach, although
they had not been reinforced by that declaration, which
informed him of Emilia's having bestowed herself in marriage
upon such a contemptible rival. This sole consideration
added wings to his impetuosity, and he applied his foot to
the door with such irresistible force, as burst it open in
an instant, entering at the same time with a pistol ready
cocked in his hand. His antagonist, instead of firing his
blunderbuss, when he saw him approach, started back with
evident signs of surprise and consternation, exclaiming,
"Lord Jesus! Sir, you are not the man! and, without doubt,
are under some mistake with regard to us." Before Peregrine
had time to answer this salutation, the lady, hearing it,
advanced to him, and, pulling off a mask, discovered a face
which he had never seen before. The Gorgon's head, according
to the fables of antiquity, never had a more instantaneous
or petrifying effect, than that which this countenance
produced upon the astonished youth. His eyes were fixed upon
this unknown object, as if they had been attracted by the
power of enchantment, his feet seemed riveted to the ground,
and, after having stood motionless for the space of a few
minutes, he dropped down in an apoplexy of disappointment
and despair. The Swiss, who had followed him, seeing his
master in this condition, lifted him up, and, laying him
upon a bed in the next room, let him blood immediately,
without hesitation, being always provided with a case of
lancets, against all accidents on the road. To this
foresight our hero, in all probability, was indebted for his
life. By virtue of a very copious evacuation, he recovered
the use of his senses; but the complication of fatigues and
violent transports, which he had undergone, brewed up a
dangerous fever in his blood; and, a physician being called
from the next market-town, several days elapsed before he
would answer for his life.
CHAPTER LXXIX.
Peregrine sends a Message to Mrs. Gauntlet, who rejects his
Proposal—He repairs to the Garrison.
At length, however, his constitution overcame his
disease, though not before it had in a great measure tamed
the fury of his disposition, and brought him to a serious
consideration of his conduct. In this humiliation of his
spirits, he reflected with shame and remorse upon his
treachery to the fair, the innocent Emilia; he remembered
his former sentiments in her favour, as well as the
injunctions of his dying uncle; he recollected his intimacy
with her brother, against which he had so basely sinned;
and, revolving all the circumstances of her conduct, found
it so commendable, spirited, and noble, that he deemed her
an object of sufficient dignity to merit his honourable
addresses, even though his duty had not been concerned in
this decision. But, obligated as he was to make reparation
to a worthy family, which he had so grossly injured, he
thought he could not manifest his reformation too soon; and,
whenever he found himself able to hold a pen, wrote a letter
to Mrs. Gauntlet, wherein he acknowledged, with many
expressions of sorrow and contrition, that he had acted a
part altogether unbecoming a man of honour, and should never
enjoy the least tranquility of mind, until he should have
merited her forgiveness. He protested, that, although his
happiness entirely depended upon the determination of
Emilia, he would even renounce all hope of being blessed
with her favour, if she could point out any other method of
making reparation to that amiable young lady, but by laying
his heart and fortune at her feet, and submitting himself to
her pleasure during the remaining part of his life. He
conjured her, therefore, in the most pathetic manner, to
pardon him, in consideration of his sincere repentance, and
to use her maternal influence with her daughter, so as that
he might be permitted to wait upon her with a wedding ring,
as soon as his health would allow him to undertake the
journey.
This explanation being despatched by Pipes, who had, by
this time, found his master, the young gentleman inquired
about the couple whom he had so unfortunately pursued, and
understood from his valet-de-chambre, who learned the story
from their own mouths, that the lady was the only daughter
of a rich Jew, and her attendant no other than his
apprentice, who had converted her to Christianity, and
married her at the same time; that this secret having taken
air, the old Israelite had contrived a scheme to separate
them for ever; and they being apprised of his intention, had
found means to elope from his house, with a view of
sheltering themselves in France, until the affair could be
made up; that, seeing three men ride after them with such
eagerness, they never doubted that the pursuers were her
father, and some friends, or domestics, and on that
supposition had fled with the utmost despatch and
trepidation, until they had found themselves happily
undeceived, at that very instant when they expected nothing
but mischief and misfortune. Lastly, the Swiss gave him to
understand, that, after having professed some concern for
his deplorable situation, and enjoyed a slight refreshment,
they had taken their departure for Dover, and, in all
likelihood, were safely arrived at Paris.
In four-and-twenty hours after Pipes was charged with his
commission, he brought back an answer from the mother of
Emilia, couched in these words:—
Sir,—I received the favour of yours, and am glad, for
your
own sake, that you have attained a due sense and conviction
of your unkind and unchristian behaviour to poor Emy. I
thank
God, none of my children were ever so insulted before. Give
me leave to tell you, sir, my daughter was no upstart,
without
friends or education, but a young lady, as well bred, and
better born, than most private gentlewomen in the kingdom;
and therefore, though you had no esteem for her person, you
ought to have paid some regard to her family, which, no
disparagement to you, sir, is more honourable than your own.
As for your proposal, Miss Gauntlet will not hear of it,
being that she thinks her honour will not allow her to
listen
to any terms of reconciliation; and she is not yet so
destitute as to embrace an offer to which she has the least
objection. In the meantime, she is so much indisposed, that
she cannot possibly see company; so I beg you will not take
the trouble of making a fruitless journey to this place.
Perhaps your future conduct may deserve her forgiveness,
and really, as I am concerned for your happiness, which you
assure me depends upon her condescension, I wish with all my
heart it may; and am, notwithstanding all that has happened,
your sincere well-wisher. "Cecilia Gauntlet."
From this epistle, and the information of his messenger,
our hero learned, that his mistress had actually profited by
his wild-goose chase, so as to make a safe retreat to her
mother's house. Though sorry to hear of her indisposition,
he was also piqued at her implacability, as well as at some
stately paragraphs of the letter, in which, he thought, the
good lady had consulted her own vanity, rather than her good
sense. These motives of resentment helped him to bear his
disappointment like a philosopher, especially as he had now
quieted his conscience, in proffering to redress the injury
he had done; and, moreover, found himself, with regard to
his love, in a calm state of hope and resignation.
A seasonable fit of illness is an excellent medicine for
the turbulence of passion. Such a reformation had the fever
produced on the economy of his thoughts, that he moralized
like an apostle, and projected several prudential schemes
for his future conduct. In the meantime, as soon as his
health was sufficiently re-established, he took a trip to
the garrison, in order to visit his friends; and learned
from Hatchway's own mouth, that he had broke the ice of
courtship to his aunt, and that his addresses were now
fairly afloat; though, when he first declared himself to the
widow, after she had been duly prepared for the occasion, by
her niece and the rest of her friends, she had received his
proposal with a becoming reserve, and piously wept at the
remembrance of her husband, observing, that she should never
meet with his fellow.
Peregrine promoted the lieutenant's suit with all his
influence, and all Mrs. Trunnion's objections to the match
being surmounted, it was determined, that the day of
marriage should be put off for three months, that her
reputation might not suffer by a precipitate engagement. His
next care was to give orders for erecting a plain marble
monument to the memory of his uncle, on which the following
inscription, composed by the bridegroom, actually appeared
in golden letters:
Here lies,
Foundered in a fathom and half,
The shell
Of
HAWSER TRUNNION, Esq.
Formerly commander of a squadron
In his Majesty's service,
Who broached to, at five P.M. Oct. 10,
In the year of his age threescore and nineteen.
He kept his guns always loaded,
And his tackle ready mann'd,
And never showed his poop to the enemy,
Except when he took her in tow;
But, His shot being expended, His match burnt out,
And his upper works decayed,
He was sunk by Death's superior weight of metal.
Nevertheless,
He will be weighed again at the Great Day,
His rigging refitted, And his timbers repaired;
And, with one broadside,
Make his adversary strike in his turn.
CHAPTER LXXX.
He returns to London, and meets with Cadwallader, who
entertains him with many curious Particulars—Crabtree sounds
the Duchess, and undeceives Pickle, who, by an extraordinary
Accident, becomes acquainted with another Lady of Quality.
The young gentleman having performed these last offices
in honour of his deceased benefactor, and presented Mr.
Jolter to the long-expected living, which at this time
happened to be vacant, returned to London, and resumed his
former gaiety: not that he was able to shake Emilia from his
thought, or even to remember her without violent emotions;
for, as he recovered his vigour, his former impatience
recurred, and therefore he resolved to plunge himself
headlong into some intrigue, that might engage his passions
and amuse his imagination.
A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with
a variety of subjects on which his gallantry would have been
properly exercised; and this abundance distracted his
choice, which at any time was apt to be influenced by
caprice and whim. I have already observed, that he had
lifted his view, through a matrimonial perspective, as high
as a lady of the first quality and distinction: and now,
that he was refused by Miss Gauntlet, and enjoyed a little
respite from the agonies of that flame which her charms had
kindled in his heart, he renewed his assiduities to her
grace. Though he durst not yet risk an explanation, he
enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself so well received in
quality of a particular acquaintance, that he flattered
himself with the belief of his having made some progress in
her heart; and was confirmed in this conceited notion by the
assurances of her woman, whom, by liberal largesses, he
retained in his interest, because she found means to
persuade him that she was in the confidence of her lady.
But, notwithstanding this encouragement, and the sanguine
suggestions of his own vanity, he dreaded the thoughts of
exposing himself to her ridicule and resentment by a
premature declaration and determined to postpone his
addresses, until he should be more certified of the
probability of succeeding in his attempt.
While he remained in this hesitation and suspense, he was
one morning very agreeably surprised with the appearance of
his friend Crabtree, who, by the permission of Pipes, to
whom he was well known, entered his chamber before he was
awake, and, by a violent shake of the shoulder, disengaged
him from the arms of sleep. The first compliments having
mutually passed, Cadwallader gave him to understand, that he
had arrived in town overnight in the stage-coach from Bath,
and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his
fellow-travellers, that Peregrine, for the first time since
their parting, indulged himself in mirth, even to the hazard
of suffocation.
Crabtree, having rehearsed these adventures, in such a
peculiarity of manner as added infinite ridicule to every
circumstance, and repeated every scandalous report which had
circulated at Bath, after Peregrine's departure, was
informed by the youth, that he harboured a design upon the
person of such a duchess, and in all appearance had no
reason to complain of his reception; but that he would not
venture to declare himself, until he should be more
ascertained of her sentiments; and therefore he begged leave
to depend upon the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader,
who, he knew, was admitted to her parties.
The misanthrope, before he would promise his assistance,
asked if his prospect verged towards matrimony; and our
adventurer, who guessed the meaning of his question,
replying in the negative, he undertook the office of
reconnoitring her inclination, protesting at the same time,
that he would never concern himself in any scheme that did
not tend to the disgrace and deception of all the sex. On
these conditions he espoused the interest of our hero; and a
plan was immediately concerted, in consequence of which they
met by accident at her grace's table. Pickle having staid
all the forepart of the evening, and sat out all the
company, except the misanthrope and a certain widow lady who
was said to be in the secrets of my lady duchess, went away
on pretence of an indispensable engagement, that Crabtree
might have a proper opportunity of making him the subject of
conversation.
Accordingly, he had scarce quitted the apartment, when
this cynic, attending him to the door with a look of morose
disdain, "Were I an absolute prince," said he, "and that
fellow one of my subjects, I would order him to be clothed
in sackcloth, and he should drive my asses to water, that
his lofty spirit might be lowered to the level of his
deserts. The pride of a peacock is downright self-denial,
when compared with the vanity of that coxcomb, which was
naturally arrogant, but is now rendered altogether
intolerable, by the reputation he acquired at Bath, for
kicking a bully, outwitting a club of raw sharpers, and
divers other pranks, in the execution of which he was more
lucky than wise. But nothing has contributed so much to the
increase of his insolence and self-conceit, as the favour he
found among the ladies; ay, the ladies, madam: I care not
who knows it: the ladies, who, to their honour be it spoken,
never fail to patronize foppery and folly, provided they
solicit their encouragement. And yet this dog was not on the
footing of those hermaphroditical animals, who may be
reckoned among the number of waiting-women, who air your
shifts, comb your lap-dogs, examine your noses with
magnifying glasses, in order to squeeze out the worms, clean
your tooth-brushes, sweeten your handkerchiefs, and soften
waste paper for your occasions. This fellow Pickle was
entertained for more important purposes; his turn of duty
never came till all those lapwings were gone to roost; then
he scaled windows, leaped over garden walls, and was let in
by Mrs. Betty in the dark. Nay, the magistrates of Bath
complimented him with the freedom of the corporation, merely
because, through his means, the waters had gained
extraordinary credit; for every female of a tolerable
appearance, that went thither on account of her sterility,
got the better of her complaint, during his residence at
Bath. And now the fellow thinks no woman can withstand his
addresses. He had not been here three minutes, when I could
perceive, with half an eye, that he had marked out your
grace for a conquest,—I mean in an honourable way; though
the rascal has impudence enough to attempt anything."
So saying, he fixed his eyes upon the duchess, who, while
her face glowed with indignation, turning to her confidant,
expressed herself in these words: "Upon my life! I believe
there is actually some truth in what this old ruffian says;
I have myself observed that young fellow eyeing me with a
very particular stare."—"It is not to be at all wondered
at," said her friend, "that a youth of his complexion should
be sensible to the charms of your grace! but I dare say he
would not presume to entertain any but the most honourable
and respectful sentiments."—"Respectful sentiments!" cried
my lady, with a look of ineffable disdain; "if I thought the
fellow had assurance enough to think of me in any shape, I
protest I would forbid him my house. Upon my honour, such
instances of audacity should induce persons of quality to
keep your small gentry at a greater distance; for they are
very apt to grow impudent, upon the least countenance or
encouragement."
Cadwallader, satisfied with this declaration, changed the
subject of discourse, and next day communicated his
discovery to his friend Pickle, who upon this occasion felt
the most stinging sensations of mortified pride, and
resolved to quit his prospect with a good grace. Nor did the
execution of this self-denying scheme cost him one moment's
uneasiness; for his heart had never been interested in the
pursuit, and his vanity triumphed in the thoughts of
manifesting his indifference. Accordingly, the very next
time he visited her grace, his behaviour was remarkably
frank, sprightly and disengaged; and the subject of love
being artfully introduced by the widow, who had been
directed to sound his inclinations, he rallied the passion
with great ease and severity and made no scruple of
declaring himself heart-whole. Though the duchess had
resented his supposed affection, she was now offended at his
insensibility, and even signified her disgust, by observing,
that perhaps his attention to his own qualifications
screened him from the impression of all other objects.
While he enjoyed this sarcasm, the meaning of which he
could plainly discern, the company was joined by a certain
virtuoso, who had gained free access to all the great
families of the land, by his noble talent of gossiping and
buffoonery. He was now in the seventy-fifth year of his age;
his birth was so obscure, that he scarce knew his father's
name; his education suitable to the dignity of his descent;
his character publicly branded with homicide, profligacy,
and breach of trust; yet this man, by the happy inheritance
of impregnable effrontery, and a lucky prostitution of all
principle in rendering himself subservient to the appetites
of the great, had attained to an independency of fortune, as
well as to such a particular share of favour among the
quality, that, although he was well known to have pimped for
three generations of the nobility, there was not a lady of
fashion in the kingdom who scrupled to admit him to her
toilette, or even to be squired by him in any place of
public entertainment. Not but that this sage was
occasionally useful to his fellow-creatures, by these
connections with people of fortune; for he often undertook
to solicit charity in behalf of distressed objects, with a
view of embezzling one-half of the benefactions. It was an
errand of this kind that now brought him to the house of her
grace.
After having sat a few minutes, he told the company that
he would favour them with a very proper opportunity to
extend their benevolence, for the relief of a poor
gentlewoman, who was reduced to the most abject misery, by
the death of her husband, and just delivered of a couple of
fine boys: they, moreover, understood from his information,
that this object was daughter of a good family, who had
renounced her in consequence of her marrying an ensign
without a fortune; and even obstructed his promotion with
all their influence and power; a circumstance of barbarity
which had made such an impression upon his mind, as
disordered his brain, and drove him to despair, in a fit of
which he had made away with himself, leaving his wife, then
big with child, to all the horrors of indigence and grief.
Various were the criticisms on this pathetic picture,
which the old man drew with great expression. My lady
duchess concluded that she must be a creature void of all
feeling and reflection, who could survive such aggravated
misery, therefore did not deserve to be relieved, except in
the character of a common beggar; and was generous enough to
offer a recommendation, by which she would be admitted into
an infirmary, to which her grace was a subscriber; at the
same time advising the solicitor to send the twins to the
Foundling Hospital, where they could be carefully nursed and
brought up, so as to become useful members to the
commonwealth. Another lady, with all due deference to the
opinion of the duchess, was free enough to blame the
generosity of her grace, which would only serve to encourage
children in disobedience to their parents, and might be the
means not only of prolonging the distress of the wretched
creature, but also of ruining the constitution of some young
heir, perhaps the hope of a great family; for she did
suppose that madam, when her month should be up, and her
brats disposed of, would spread her attractions to the
public, provided she could profit by her person, and, in the
usual way, make a regular progress from St. James's to Drury
Lane. She apprehended, for these reasons, that their
compassion would be most effectually shown, in leaving her
to perish in her present necessity; and that the old
gentleman would be unpardonable, should he persist in his
endeavours to relieve her. A third member of this
tender-hearted society, after having asked if the young
woman was handsome, and being answered in the negative,
allowed that there was a great deal of reason in what had
been said by the honourable person who had spoke last;
nevertheless, she humbly conceived her sentence would admit
of some mitigation. "Let the bantlings," said she, "be sent
to the hospital, according to the advice of her grace, and a
small collection be made for the present support of the
mother; and, when her health is recovered, I will take her
into my family, in quality of an upper servant, or medium
between me and my woman; for, upon my life! I can't endure
to chide or give directions to a creature, who is, in point
of birth and education, but one degree above the vulgar."
This proposal met with universal approbation. The
duchess, to her immortal honour, began the contribution with
a crown; so that the rest of the company were obliged to
restrict their liberality to half the sum, that her grace
might not be affronted. And the proposer, demanding the poor
woman's name and place of abode, the old mediator could not
help giving her ladyship a verbal direction, though he was
extremely mortified, on more accounts than one, to find such
an issue to his solicitation.
Peregrine, who, "though humorous as winter, had a tear
for pity, and a hand open as day for melting charity," was
shocked at the nature and result of this ungenerous
consultation. He contributed his half-crown, however, and,
retiring from the company, betook himself to the lodgings of
the forlorn lady in the straw, according to the direction he
had heard. Upon inquiry, he understood that she was then
visited by some charitable gentlewoman, who had sent for a
nurse, and waited the return of the messenger; and he sent
up his respects, desiring he might be permitted to see her,
on pretence of having been intimate with her late husband.
Though the poor woman had never heard of his name, she
did not think proper to deny his request; and he was
conducted to a paltry chamber in the third story, where he
found this unhappy widow sitting upon a truckle-bed, and
suckling one of her infants, with the most piteous
expression of anguish in her features, which were naturally
regular and sweet, while the other was fondled on the knee
of a person, whose attention was so much engrossed by her
little charge, that, for the present, she could mind nothing
else; and it was not till after the first compliments passed
betwixt the hapless mother and our adventurer, that he
perceived the stranger's countenance, which inspired him
with the highest esteem and admiration. He beheld all the
graces of elegance and beauty, breathing sentiment and
beneficence, and softened into the most enchanting
tenderness of weeping sympathy. When he declared the cause
of his visit, which was no other than the desire of
befriending the distressed lady, to whom he presented a
bank-note for twenty pounds, he was favoured with such a
look of complacency by this amiable phantom, who might have
been justly taken for an angel ministering to the
necessities of mortals, that his whole soul was transported
with love and veneration. Nor was this prepossession
diminished by the information of the widow, who, after
having manifested her gratitude in a flood of tears, told
him, that the unknown object of his esteem was a person of
honour, who having heard by accident of her deplorable
situation, had immediately obeyed the dictates of her
humanity, and come in person to relieve her distress; that
she had not only generously supplied her with money for
present sustenance, but also undertaken to provide a nurse
for her babes, and even promised to favour her with
protection, should she survive her present melancholy
situation. To these articles of intelligence she added, that
the name of her benefactress was the celebrated Lady —, to
whose character the youth was no stranger, though he had
never seen her person before. The killing edge of her charms
was a little blunted by the accidents of time and fortune;
but no man of taste and imagination, whose nerves were not
quite chilled with the frost of age, could, even at that
time, look upon her with impunity. And as Peregrine saw her
attractions heightened by the tender office in which she was
engaged, he was smitten with her beauty, and so ravished
with her compassion, that he could not suppress his
emotions, but applauded her benevolence with all the warmth
of enthusiasm.
Her ladyship received his compliments with great
politeness and affability. And the occasion on which they
met being equally interesting to both, an acquaintance
commenced between them, and they concerted measures for the
benefit of the widow and her two children, one of whom our
hero bespoke for his own godson; for Pickle was not so
obscure in the beau monde, but that his fame had reached the
ears of this lady, who, therefore, did not discourage his
advances towards her friendship and esteem. All the
particulars relating to their charge being adjusted, he
attended her ladyship to her own house; and, by her
conversation, had the pleasure of finding her understanding
suitable to her other accomplishments. Nor had she any
reason to think that our hero's qualifications had been
exaggerated by common report.
One of their adopted children died before it was
baptized; so that their care concentred in the other, for
whom they stood sponsors. Understanding that the old agent
was becoming troublesome in his visits to the mother, to
whom he now began to administer such counsel as shocked the
delicacy of her virtue, they removed her into another
lodging, where she would not be exposed to his machinations.
In less than a month, our hero learned from a nobleman of
his acquaintance, that the hoary pander had actually engaged
to procure for him this poor afflicted gentlewoman; and,
being frustrated in his intention, substituted in her room a
nymph from the purlieus of Covent Garden, that made his
lordship smart severely for the favours she bestowed.
Meanwhile, Peregrine cultivated his new acquaintance with
all his art and assiduity, presuming, from the circumstances
of her reputation and fate, as well as on the strength of
his own merit, that, in time, he should be able to indulge
that passion which had begun to glow within his breast. As
her ladyship had undergone a vast variety of fortune and
adventure, which he had heard indistinctly related, with
numberless errors and misrepresentations, he was no sooner
entitled, by the familiarity of communication, to ask such a
favour, than he earnestly entreated her to entertain him
with the particulars of her story; and, by dint of
importunity, she was at length prevailed upon, in a select
party, to gratify his curiosity, by the account given in the
following chapter.
CHAPTER LXXXI.
The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality.
"By the circumstances of the story which I am going to
relate, you will be convinced of my candour, while you are
informed of my indiscretion. You will be enabled, I hope, to
perceive, that, howsoever my head may have erred, my heart
hath always been uncorrupted, and that I have been unhappy,
because I loved, and was a woman.
"I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child
of a man of good fortune, who indulged me in my infancy with
all the tenderness of paternal affection; and, when I was
six years old, sent me to a private school, where I stayed
till my age was doubled, and became such a favourite, that I
was, even in those early days, carried to all the places of
public diversion, the court itself not excepted, an
indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I
was naturally addicted, and encouraged those ideas of vanity
and ambition which spring up so early in the human mind.
"I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run
riot, my heart liberal and disinterested, though I was so
obstinately attached to my own opinions, that I could not
well brook contradiction; and, in the whole of my
disposition, resembled that of Henry V., as described by
Shakespeare.
"In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first
introduced into the world as a woman, having been entitled
to that privilege by my person, which was remarkably tall
for my years; and there my fancy was quite captivated by the
variety of diversions in which I was continually engaged.
Not that the parties were altogether new to me, but because
I now found myself considered as a person of consequence,
and surrounded by a crowd of admirers, who courted my
acquaintance, and fed my vanity with praise and adulation.
In short, whether or not I deserved their encomiums, I leave
the world to judge; but my person was commended, and my
talent in dancing met with universal applause. No wonder,
then, that everything appeared joyous to a young creature,
who was so void of experience and dissimulation, that she
believed everybody's heart as sincere as her own, and every
object such as it appeared to be.
"Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for
me, were two that bore a pretty equal share of my favour (it
was too superficial to deserve the name of love). One of
these was a forward youth of sixteen, extremely handsome,
lively, and impudent. He attended in quality of page upon
the Princess Amelia, who spent that season at Bath. The
other was a Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who was graced
with a red ribbon, and danced particularly well, two
qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age, whose
heart was not deeply interested in the cause. Nevertheless,
the page prevailed over this formidable rival; though our
amour went no farther than a little flirting, and ceased
entirely when I left the place.
"Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene,
and passed my time in the same circle of amusements; in
which, indeed, each season at Bath is exactly resembled by
that which succeeds, allowing for the difference of company,
which is continually varying. There I met with the same
incense, and again had my favourite, who was a North Briton,
and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and a little
lame, an impediment which I did not discover, until it was
pointed out by some of my companions, who rallied me upon my
choice. He was always cheerful, and very amorous, had a good
countenance, and an excellent understanding, possessed a
great deal of art, and would have persuaded me to marry him,
had I not been restrained by the authority of my father,
whose consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of
his fortune.
"At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made
to my parents; but as they came from people whom I did not
like, I rejected them all, being determined to refuse every
man who did not make his addresses to myself in person,
because I had no notion of marrying for anything but love.
Among these formal proposers was a Scottish earl, whose
pretensions were broke off by some difference about
settlements; and the son of an English baron, with whom my
father was in treaty, when he carried me to town, on a visit
to a young lady with whom I had been intimate from my
infancy. She was just delivered of her first son, for whom
we stood sponsors; so that this occasion detained us a whole
month, during which I went to a ball at court, on the
Queen's birthday, and there, for the first time, felt what
love and beauty were.
"The second son of Duke H—, who had just returned from
his travels, was dancing with the princess royal, when a
young lady came and desired me to go and see a stranger,
whom all the world admired. Upon which I followed her into
the circle, and observed this object of admiration. He was
dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with blue satin,
embroidered with silver, of the same piece with his
waistcoat; his fine hair hung down his back in ringlets
below his waist; his hat was laced with silver, and
garnished with a white feather; but his person beggared
description. He was tall and graceful, neither corpulent nor
meagre, his limbs finely proportioned, his countenance open
and majestic, his eyes full of sweetness and vivacity, his
teeth regular, and his pouting lips of the complexion of the
damask rose. In short, he was formed for love, and inspired
it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of his
talents, but liberally returned it, at least, what passed
for such; for he had a flow of gallantry, for which many
ladies of this land can vouch from their own experience. But
he exclaimed against marriage, because he had, as yet, met
with no woman to whose charms he would surrender his
liberty, though a princess of France, and lady of the same
rank in —, were said to be, at that time, enamoured of his
person.
"I went home, totally engrossed by his idea, flattering
myself that he had observed me with some attention; for I
was young and new, and had the good fortune to attract the
notice and approbation of the queen herself.
"Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised
with the appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner
saw me enter, than he approached so near to the place where
I sat, that I overheard what he said to his companions; and
was so happy as to find myself the object of his discourse,
which abounded with rapturous expressions of love and
admiration. I could not listen to these transports without
emotion; my colour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual
violence, and my eyes betrayed my inclination in sundry
favourable glances, which he seemed to interpret aright,
though he could not then avail himself of his success, so
far as to communicate his sentiments by speech, because we
were strangers to each other.
"I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and
several days elapsed before I saw him again. At length,
however, being at court on a ball-night, and determined
against dancing, I perceived him among the crowd, and, to my
unspeakable joy, saw him advance, with my Lord P—, who
introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon found means to
alter my resolution, and I condescended to be his partner
all the evening; during which he declared his passion in the
most tender and persuasive terms that real love could
dictate, or fruitful imagination invent.
"I believed his protestations, because I wished them
true, and was an unexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied
with his earnest request of being permitted to visit me, and
even invited him to breakfast next morning; so that you may
imagine (I speak to those that feel) I did not, that night,
enjoy much repose. Such was the hurry and flutter of my
spirits, that I rose at six to receive him at ten. I dressed
myself in a new pink satin gown, and my best laced
night-clothes, and was so animated by the occasion that, if
ever I deserved a compliment upon my looks, it was my due at
this meeting. The wished-for moment came that brought my
lover to my view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and
fear of I knew not what. We sat down to breakfast, but did
not eat. He renewed his addresses with irresistible
eloquence, and pressed me to accept of his hand without
further hesitation. But to such a precipitate step I
objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as
to that duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly
loved.
"Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not
attempt to disguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus
commenced a tender correspondence, which was maintained by
letters while I remained in the country, and carried on,
when I was in town, by private interviews twice or thrice a
week at the house of my milliner, where such endearments
passed as refined and happy lovers know, and others can only
guess. Truth and innocence prevailed on my side, while his
heart was fraught with sincerity and love. Such frequent
intercourse created an intimacy which I began to think
dangerous, and therefore yielded to his repeated desire that
we might be united for ever. Nay, I resolved to avoid him,
until the day should be fixed, and very innocently, though
not very wisely, told him my reason for this determination,
which was no other than a consciousness of my incapacity to
refuse him anything he should demand as a testimony of my
love.
"The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a
few days, during which I intended to have implored my
father's consent, though I had but faint hopes of obtaining
it. But he was by some means or other apprised of our
design, before I could prevail upon myself to make him
acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover at
the ridotto on the preceding evening, and there perhaps our
eyes betrayed us. Certain it is, several of Lord W—'s
relations, who disapproved of the match, came up and rallied
him on his passion; Lord S—k, in particular, used this
remarkable expression, 'Nephew, as much love as you please,
but no matrimony.'"
"Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom
waiting for me at the appointed place, in all the transports
of impatient expectation, I was, without any previous
warning, carried into the country by my father, who took no
notice of the intelligence he had received, but decoyed me
into the coach on pretence of taking the air; and, when we
had proceeded as far as Turnham Green, gave me to
understand, that he would dine in that place.
"There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my
disappointment, though with an aching heart, and followed
him up-stairs into an apartment, where he told me he was
minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme. I did not
attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, while the
tears gushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone had
hindered me from making him privy to my passion; though I
owned, I should have married Lord W—, even though he had
disapproved of my choice. I reminded him of the uneasy life
I led at home, and frankly acknowledged, that I loved my
admirer too well to live without him; though, if he would
favour me with his consent, I would defer my intention, and
punctually observe any day he would fix for our nuptials.
Meanwhile I begged he would permit me to send a message to
Lord W—, who was waiting in expectation of my coming, and
might, without such notice, imagine I was playing the jilt.
He granted this last request; in consequence of which I sent
a letter to my lover, who, when he received it, had almost
fainted away, believing I should be locked up in the
country, and snatched for ever from his arms. Tortured with
these apprehensions, he changed clothes immediately, and,
taking horse, resolved to follow me whithersoever we should
go.
"After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we
lay, intending to be at my father's country house next
night; and my admirer putting up at the same inn, practised
every expedient his invention could suggest to procure an
interview; but all his endeavours were unsuccessful, because
I, who little dreamed of his being so near, had gone to bed
upon our first arrival, overwhelmed with affliction and
tears. In the morning I threw myself at my father's feet,
and conjured him, by all the ties of paternal affection, to
indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my admirer once
more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The
melancholy condition in which I preferred this supplication,
melted the tender heart of my parent, who yielded to my
supplications, and carried me back to town for that purpose.
"Lord W—, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his
own lodgings before we arrived at my father's house, obeyed
my summons on the instant, and appeared before me like an
angel. Our faculties were for some minutes suspended by a
conflict of grief and joy. At length I recovered the use of
speech, and gave him to understand, that I was come to town
in order to take my leave of him, by the permission of my
father, whom I had promised to attend into the country next
day, before he would consent to my return; the chief cause
and pretence of which was my earnest desire to convince him,
that I was not to blame for the disappointment he had
suffered, and that I should see him again in a month, when
the nuptial knot should be tied in spite of all opposition.
"My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had
wellnigh run distracted with this information. He swore he
would not leave me, until I should promise to meet and marry
him next day; or, if I refused to grant that request, he
would immediately leave the kingdom, to which he would never
more return; and, before his departure, sacrifice Lord H.
B—, son to the Duke of S. A—, who was the only person upon
earth who could have betrayed us to my father, because he
alone was trusted with the secret of our intended marriage,
and had actually undertaken to give me away; an office which
he afterwards declined. Lord W— also affirmed, that my
father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me
up, and sequestering me entirely from his view and
correspondence.
"In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and
used all the arguments I could recollect to divert him from
his revenge upon Lord H—. He was deaf to all my
representations, and nothing, I found, would prevail upon
him to suppress his resentment, but a positive promise to
comply with his former desire. I told him I would hazard
everything to make him happy; but could not, with any regard
to my duty, take such a step without the knowledge of my
parent; or, if I were so inclined, it would be impracticable
to elude his vigilance and suspicion. However, he employed
such pathetic remonstrances, and retained such a powerful
advocate within my own breast, that, before we parted, I
assured him my whole power should be exerted for his
satisfaction; and he signified his resolution of sitting up
all night, in expectation of seeing me at his lodgings.
"He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next
room, and desired my father to fix a day for the marriage;
in which case I would cheerfully wait upon him into the
country; whereas, should he deny my request, on pretence of
staying for the consent of my mother's relations, which was
very uncertain, I would seize the first opportunity of
marrying Lord W—, cost what it would. He consented to the
match, but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, which
he proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed; and
such a favourable crisis, I feared, would never happen.
"I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover's
expectation, by eloping, if possible, that very night;
though the execution of this plan was extremely difficult,
because my father was upon the alarm, and my own maid, who
was my bedfellow, altogether in his interest.
Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to
engage one of the housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a
hackney-coach, to be kept in waiting all night; and to bed I
went with my Abigail, whom, as I had not closed an eye, I
waked about five in the morning, and sent to pack up some
things for our intended journey.
"While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my
clothes, standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in
the chamber below, should hear me afoot, and suspect my
design. Having dressed myself with great despatch and
disorder, I flounced downstairs, stalking as heavily as I
could tread, that he might mistake me for one of the
servants; and my confederate opening the door, I sallied out
into the street, though I knew not which way to turn; and,
to my unspeakable mortification, neither coach nor chair
appeared.
"Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding
a convenience, and being not only disappointed in that
particular, but also bewildered in my peregrination, I began
to be exceedingly alarmed with the apprehension of being met
by some person who might know me; because in that case, my
design would undoubtedly have been discovered, from every
circumstance of my appearance at that time of day; for I had
put on the very clothes which I had pulled off overnight, so
that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar. My shoes were
very fine, and over a large hoop I wore a pink satin quilted
petticoat trimmed with silver, which was partly covered by a
white dimity night-gown, a full quarter of a yard too short;
my handkerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning;
my nightcap could not contain my hair, which hung about my
ears in great disorder; and my countenance denoted a mixture
of hope and fear, joy and shame.
"In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable
member of society, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated
to provide me with a coach or chair, promising to reward him
liberally for his trouble, but he, having the misfortune to
be lame, was unable to keep up with my pace; so that by his
advice and direction, I went into the first public-house I
found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmost
consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought
proper to bribe for their civility, not without the terror
of being stripped. At length, however, my messenger returned
with a chair, of which I took immediate possession; and
fearing that, by this time, my family would be alarmed, and
send directly to Lord W—'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be
carried thither backwards, that so I might pass
undiscovered.
"This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran
upstairs, in a state of trepidation, to my faithful lover,
who waited for me with the most impatient and fearful
suspense. At sight of me his eyes lightened with transport:
he caught me in his arms, as the richest present Heaven
could bestow; gave me to understand that my father had
already sent to his lodgings in quest of me; then applauding
my love and resolution in the most rapturous terms, he
ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and, that we might run
no risk of separation, attended me to church, where we were
lawfully joined in the sight of Heaven.
"His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with
double aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and
shared all the sorrow he suffered on account of my undutiful
behaviour; for I loved him with such piety of affection,
that I would have endured every other species of distress,
rather than given him the least uneasiness; but love, where
he reigns in full empire, is altogether irresistible,
surmounts every difficulty, and swallows up all other
considerations. This was the case with me; and now the
irrevocable step was taken, my first care was to avoid his
sight. With this view, I begged that Lord W— would think of
some remote place in the country, to which we might retire
for the present, and he forthwith conducted me to a house on
Blackheath, where we were very civilly received by a
laughter-loving dame, who seemed to mistake me for one of
her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her opinion, than
I desired Lord W— to undeceive her; upon which she was made
acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us
into a private room, where I called for pen and paper, and
wrote an apology to my father, for having acted contrary to
his will in so important a concern.
"This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to
understand, that there was a necessity for our being bedded
immediately, in order to render the marriage binding, lest
my father should discover and part us before consummation. I
pleaded hard for a respite till the evening, objecting to
the indecency of going to bed before noon; but he found
means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince me
that it was now my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the
imputation of being obstinate and refractory on the first
day of my probation, I suffered myself to be led into a
chamber, which was darkened by my express stipulation, that
my shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and
yielded to the privilege of a dear husband, who loved me to
adoration.
"About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to
dinner, which we had ordered to be ready at four; but such a
paltry care had been forgot amidst the transports of our
mutual bliss. We got up, however, and when we came
downstairs, I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet
the eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, said less, was
happy, though overwhelmed with confusion, underwent a
thousand agitations, some of which were painful, but by far
the greater part belonged to rapture and delight; we were
imparadised in the gratification of our mutual wishes, and
felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.
"In the twilight we returned to Lord W—'s lodgings in
town, where I received a letter from my father, importing
that he would never see me again. But there was one
circumstance in his manner of writing, from which I
conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. He had
begun with his usual appellation of 'Dear Fanny,' which,
though it was expunged to make way for the word 'Madam,'
encouraged me to hope that his paternal fondness was not yet
extinguished.
"At supper we were visited by Lord W—'s younger sister,
who laughed at us for our inconsiderate match, though she
owned she envied our happiness, and offered me the use of
her clothes until I could retrieve my own. She was a woman
of a great deal of humour, plain but genteel, civil,
friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favoured us with her
company till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not
take her leave till we retired to our apartment.
"As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we
resolved to see little company; but this resolution was
frustrated by the numerous acquaintance of Lord W—, who let
in half the town: so that I ran the gauntlet for a whole
week among a set of wits, who always delight in teasing a
young creature of any note, when she happens to make such a
stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion
was my lord's younger brother, who was at that time in
keeping with a rich heiress of masculine memory, and took
that opportunity of making a parade with his equipage, which
was indeed very magnificent, but altogether disregarded by
us, whose happiness consisted in the opulence of mutual
love.
"This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we
went to wait on his mother, the duchess of H—, who, hearing
I was an heiress, readily forgave her son for marrying
without her knowledge and consent, and favoured us with a
very cordial reception; insomuch, that for several months,
we dined almost constantly at her table; and I must own, I
always found her unaltered in her civility and affection,
contrary to her general character, which was haughty and
capricious. She was undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and
understanding, but subject to an infirmity which very much
impairs and disguises every other qualification.
"In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy
as to obtain the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we
repaired, in order to pay our respects and submission. At
sight of me he wept; nor did I behold his tears unmoved. My
heart was overcharged with tenderness and sorrow, for having
offended such an indulgent parent; so that I mingled my
tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the
softest and gentlest mould, melted with sympathy at the
affecting scene. Being thus reconciled to my father, we
attended him into the country, where we were received by my
mother, who was a sensible good woman, though not
susceptible to love, and therefore less apt to excuse a
weakness to which she was an utter stranger. This was
likewise the case with an uncle, from whom I had great
expectations. He was a plain good-natured man, and treated
us with great courtesy, though his notions, in point of
love, were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I
was, and seemed to be so happy in my choice, that my family
not only became satisfied with the match, but exceedingly
fond of Lord W—.
"After a short stay with them in the country, we returned
to London, in order to be introduced at court, and then set
out for the north, on a visit to my brother-in-law the duke
of H—, who had, by a letter to Lord W—, invited us to his
habitation. My father accordingly equipped us with horses
and money; for our own finances were extremely slender,
consisting only of a small pension, allowed by his grace,
upon whom the brothers were entirely dependent, the father
having died suddenly, before suitable provision could be
made for his younger children.
"When I took leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my
paternal home, and found myself launching into a world of
care and trouble, though the voyage on which I embarked was
altogether voluntary, and my companion the person on whom I
doted to distraction,—I could not help feeling some
melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time,
gave way to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited
in town by almost all the women of fashion, many of whom, I
perceived, envied me the possession of a man who had made
strange havoc among their hearts, and some of them knew the
value of his favour. One in particular endeavoured to
cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard; but I
thought proper to discourage her advances, by keeping within
the bounds of bare civility; and, indeed, to none of them
was I lavish of my complaisance; for I dedicated my whole
time to the object of my affection, who engrossed my wishes
to such a degree, that, although I was never jealous,
because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness of
every woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a
coach.
"The duchess of —, who was newly married to the earl of
P—, a particular friend of Lord W—'s, carried me to court,
and presented me to the queen, who expressed her approbation
of my person in very particular terms, and, observing the
satisfaction that appeared in my countenance, with marks of
admiration, desired her ladies to take notice, how little
happiness depended upon wealth, since there was more joy in
my face than in all her court besides.
"Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with
blushes, which her Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure;
for she frequently repeated the remark, and showed me to all
the foreigners of distinction, with many gracious
expressions of favour. She wished Lord W— happiness instead
of joy, and was pleased to promise, that she would provide
for her pretty beggars. And poor enough we certainly were in
every article but love. Nevertheless, we felt no
necessities, but passed the summer in a variety of pleasures
and parties; the greatest part of which were planned by Lord
W—'s sister and another lady, who was at that time mistress
to the prime minister. The first was a wit, but homely in
person; the other a woman of great beauty and masculine
understanding; and a particular friendship subsisted between
them, though they were both lovers of power and admiration.
"This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant,
as well as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we
bore a share, particularly in her parties upon the water,
which were contrived in all the magnificence of taste. In
the course of these amusements, a trifling circumstance
occurred, which I shall relate as an instance of that
jealous sensibility which characterised Lord W—'s
disposition. A large company of ladies and gentlemen having
agreed to dine at Vauxhall, and sup at Marble-hall, where we
proposed to conclude the evening with a dance, one barge
being insufficient to contain the whole company, we were
divided by lots; in consequence of which, my husband and I
were parted. This separation was equally mortifying to us
both, who, though married, were still lovers; and my chagrin
increased when I perceived that I was doomed to sit by Sir
W. Y—, a man of professed gallantry; for, although Lord W—
had, before his marriage, made his addresses to every woman
he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any person
should make love to his wife.
"That I might not, therefore, give umbrage, by talking to
this gallant, I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who,
according to common report, had formerly sighed among my
admirers. By these means, in seeking to avoid one error, I
unwittingly plunged myself into a greater, and disobliged
Lord W— so much, that he could not conceal his displeasure;
nay, so deeply was he offended at my conduct, that, in the
evening, when the ball began, he would scarce deign to take
me by the hand in the course of dancing, and darted such
unkind looks, as pierced me to the very soul. What augmented
my concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I had
committed. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy
reflections; I began to fear that I had mistaken his temper,
and given my heart to a man who was tired of possession;
though I resolved to bear without complaining the misfortune
I had entailed upon myself.
"I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and
thereby discovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there
was no time for expostulation, the misunderstanding
continued on his side, with such evident marks of
uneasiness, that every individual of the company made up to
me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so that I
was fain to amuse their concern, by saying, that he had been
ill the day before, and dancing did not agree with his
constitution. So much was he incensed by this unhappy
circumstance of my conduct, which was void of all intention
to offend him, that he determined to be revenged on me for
my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two
very handsome ladies, one of whom is lately dead, and the
other, at present, my neighbour in the country, he affected
an air of gaiety, and openly coquetted with them both.
"This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his
innocent wife. In the course of our entertainment, we
engaged in some simple diversion, in consequence of which
the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies; when Lord
W—, in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in my
turn; I had occasion for all my discretion and pride, to
conceal from the company the agonies I felt at this mark of
indifference and disrespect. However, I obtained the victory
over myself, and pretended to laugh at his husband-like
behaviour, while the tears stood in my eyes and my heart
swelled even to bursting.
"We broke up about five, after having spent the most
tedious evening I had ever known; and this offended lover
went to bed in a state of sullen silence and disgust.
Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, I thought
myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, that
I could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference, till
after his first nap, when my pride giving way to my
tenderness, I clasped him in my arms, though he pretended to
discourage these advances of my love. I asked how he could
be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to a man whom
he knew I had refused for his sake; I chid him for his
barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and used such
irresistible arguments in my own vindication, that he was
convinced of my innocence, scaled my acquittal with a kind
embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the soft transports of a
fond reconciliation.
"Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved,
than that which glowed within our breasts. Far from being
cloyed with the possession of each other, our raptures
seemed to increase with the term of our union. When we were
separated, though but for a few hours, by the necessary
avocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief
separation, and met again like lovers, who knew no joy but
in one another's presence. How many delicious evenings did
we spend together, in our little apartment, after we had
ordered the candles to be taken away, that we might enjoy
the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine summer's
evening! Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the
mind to peace and benevolence; but when improved with
conversation of the man one loves, it fills the imagination
with ideas of ineffable delight! For my own part, I can
safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by my husband,
that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not
personally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought
repugnant to my duty and my love.
"In the autumn, we set out for the north, and were met on
the road by the duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us
to H—n, where we lived in all imaginable splendour. His
grace, at that time, maintained above a hundred servants,
with a band of music, which always performed at dinner, kept
open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. The
economy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister,
a beautiful young lady of an amiable temper, with whom I
soon contracted an intimate friendship. She and the duke
used to rally me upon my fondness for Lord W—, who was a
sort of humourist, and apt to be in a pet, in which case he
would leave the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in
the evening. On these occasions, I always disappeared,
giving up every consideration to that of pleasing my
husband, notwithstanding the ridicule of his relations, who
taxed me with having spoiled him with too much indulgence.
But how could I express too much tenderness and
condescension for a man, who doted upon me to such excess,
that, when business obliged him to leave me, he always
snatched the first opportunity to return, and often rode
through darkness, storms, and tempests to my arms?
"Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found
myself in a fair way of being a mother, and that I might be
near my own relations in such an interesting situation, I
and my dear companion departed from H—n, not without great
reluctance; for I was fond of the Scots in general, who
treated me with great hospitality and respect; and to this
day, they paid me the compliment of saying, I was one of the
best wives in that country which is so justly celebrated for
good women.
"Lord W— having attended me to my father's house, was
obliged to return to Scotland, to support his interest in
being elected member of Parliament; so that he took his
leave of me, with a full resolution of seeing me again
before the time of my lying-in; and all the comfort I
enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his letters,
which I punctually received, together with those of his
sister, who, from time to time, favoured me with assurances
of his constancy and devotion. Indeed, these testimonials
were necessary to one of my disposition; for I was none of
those who could be contented with half a heart. I could not
even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but
expected the undivided homage of his love. Had I been
disappointed in this expectation, I should, though a wife,
have rebelled or died.
"Meanwhile my parents treated me with great tenderness,
intending that Lord W— should be settled in a house of his
own, and accommodated with my fortune, and his expectations
from the queen were very sanguine, when I was taken ill, and
delivered of a dead child, an event which affected me
extremely. When I understood the extent of my misfortune, my
heart throbbed with such violence, that my breast could
scarce contain it; and my anxiety, being aggravated by the
absence of my lord, produced a dangerous fever, of which he
was no sooner apprised by letter, than he came post from
Scotland; but, before his arrival, I was supposed to be in a
fair way.
"During this journey, he was tortured with all that
terrible suspense which prevails in the minds of those who
are in danger of losing that which is most dear to them;
and, when he entered the house, was so much overwhelmed with
apprehension, that he durst not inquire about the state of
my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye from the
time on which I expected his return; and, when I heard his
voice, I threw open my curtains, and sat up in the bed to
receive him, though at the hazard of my life. He ran towards
me with all the eagerness of passion, and clasped me in his
arms; he kneeled by the bedside, and kissed my hand a
thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and
joy. In short, this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome
my enfeebled constitution, and we were parted by those who
were wiser than ourselves, and saw that nothing was so
proper for us as a little repose.
"But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from
envied happiness to excess of misery which I now sustained!
My month was hardly up, when my dear husband was taken ill;
perhaps the fatigue of body, as well as mind, which he had
undergone on my account, occasioned a fatal ferment in his
blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love.
Physicians were called from London, but alas! they brought
no hopes of his recovery. By their advice, he was removed to
town, for the convenience of being punctually attended.
Every moment was too precious to be thrown away; he was
therefore immediately put into the coach, though the day was
far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him
in the journey, which was performed by the light of
flambeaus, and rendered unspeakingly shocking by the dismal
apprehension of losing him every moment.
"At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall
Mall, where I lay by him on the floor, and attended the
issue of his distemper in all the agonies of horror and
despair. In a little time his malady settled upon his brain,
and, in his delirium, he uttered such dreadful exclamations,
as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. What
effect then must they have had on mine, which was fraught
with every sentiment of the most melting affection! It was
not a common grief that took possession of my soul; I felt
all the aggravation of the most acute distress. I sometimes
ran down the street in a fit of distraction: I sent for the
doctors every minute: I wearied Heaven with my prayers; even
now my heart aches at the remembrance of what I suffered,
and I cannot, without trembling, proceed with the woeful
story.
"After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the
use of speech, and called upon my name, which he had a
thousand times repeated while he was bereft of reason. All
hopes of his life were now relinquished, and I was led to
his bedside to receive his last adieus, being directed to
summon all my fortitude, and suppress my sorrow, that he
might not be disturbed by my agitation. I collected all my
resolution to support me in this affecting scene. I saw my
dear lord in extremity. The beauties of his youth were all
decayed; yet his eyes, though languid, retained unspeakable
sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching, put
forth his hand, and, with a look full of complacency and
benevolence, uttered such a tender tale—good Heaven! how had
I deserved such accumulated affliction, the bare remembrance
of which now melts me into tears? Human nature could not
undergo my situation without suffering an ecstasy of grief.
I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousand times,
with the most violent emotions of woe; but I was torn from
his embrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever
from my view.
"On that fatal morning, which put a period to his life, I
saw the duchess of L— approach my bed, and, from her
appearance, concluded that he was no more; yet I begged she
would not confirm the unhappy presage by announcing his
death; and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic
silence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as if I
had been afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no
longer sensible of such disturbance. I was seized with a
stupefaction of sorrow; I threw up the window and, looking
around, thought the sun shone with the most dismal aspect;
everything was solitary, cheerless, and replete with horror.
"In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend,
conveyed to her house, where my faculties were so
overpowered by the load of anguish which oppressed me, that
I know not what passed during the first days of my unhappy
widowhood; this only I know, the kind duchess treated me
with all imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to
her country house, where I stayed some months; during which,
she endeavoured to comfort me with all the amusements she
could invent, and laid me under such obligations as shall
never be erased from my remembrance. Yet, notwithstanding
all her care and concern, I was, by my excess of grief,
plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my
physicians advised me to drink the Bath waters.
"In compliance with this prescription, I went thither
towards the end of summer, and found some benefit by
adhering to their directions. Though I seldom went abroad,
except when I visited my sister-in-law, who was there with
the princess; and, upon these occasions, I never failed to
attract the notice of the company, who were struck with the
appearance of such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free
from the persecution of professed admirers; but, being dead
to all joy, I was deaf to the voice of adulation.
"About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where
my sorrows were revived by every object that recalled the
idea of my dear lamented lord. But these melancholy
reflections I was obliged to bear, because I had no other
home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow,
altogether dependent on the affection of my own family.
During this winter, divers overtures were made to my father
by people who demanded me in marriage; but my heart was not
yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion to admit the
thoughts of another master. Among those that presented their
proposals was a certain young nobleman, who, upon the first
news of Lord W—'s death, came post from Paris, in order to
declare his passion. He made his first appearance in a hired
chariot-and-six, accompanied by a big fat fellow, whom (as I
afterwards learned) he had engaged to sound his praises,
with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which he
paid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening
himself from the cold, or of making a comfortable medium in
case of being overturned, and falling under his weighty
companion, I know not; but, certain it is, the carriage was
stuffed with hay, in such a manner, that, when he arrived,
the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing
it, before they could come at their master, or help him to
alight. When he was lifted out of the chariot, he exhibited
a very ludicrous figure to the view. He was a thin, meagre,
shivering creature, of a low stature, with little black
eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted with the
smallpox; dressed in a coat of light brown frieze, lined
with pink-coloured shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and,
if I remember right, a pair of huge jack-boots. In a word,
his whole appearance was so little calculated for inspiring
love, that I had, on the strength of seeing him once before
at Oxford, set him down as the last man on earth whom I
would choose to wed; and I will venture to affirm, that he
was in every particular the reverse of my late husband.
"As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening,
and left his errand with my mother, to whom he was as
disagreeable as to myself; so that his proposal was
absolutely rejected, and I heard no more of him during the
space of three whole months, at the expiration of which I
went to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself
again, and renewed his suit, offering such advantageous
terms of settlement, that my father began to relish the
match, and warmly recommended it to my consideration.
"Lord W—'s relations advised me to embrace the
opportunity of making myself independent. All my
acquaintance plied me with arguments to the same purpose. I
was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. I
weighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance
yielded to the importunity of my friends. In consequence of
this determination, the little gentleman was permitted to
visit me; and the manner of his address did not alter the
opinion I had conceived of his character and understanding.
I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whom I
could not love; and, in order to disburden my own
conscience, took an opportunity of telling him, one evening,
as we sat opposite to each other, that it was not in my
power to command my affection, and therefore he could not
expect the possession of my heart, Lord W—'s indulgence
having spoiled me for a wife; nevertheless, I would
endeavour to contract a friendship for him, which would
entirely depend upon his own behaviour.
"To this declaration he replied, to my great surprise,
that he did not desire me to love him; my friendship was
sufficient; and next day repeated this strange instance of
moderation in a letter, which I communicated to my sister,
who laughed heartily at the contents, and persuaded me, that
since I could love no man, he was the properest person to be
my husband.
"Accordingly, the wedding clothes and equipage being
prepared, the day—the fatal day—was fixed; on the morning of
which I went to the house of my brother-in-law, duke H—, who
loved me tenderly, and took my leave of the family, a family
which I shall always remember with love, honour, and esteem.
His grace received me in the most affectionate manner,
saying at parting, 'Lady W—, if he does not use you well, I
will take you back again.'"
"The bridegroom and I met at Ox— Chapel, where the
ceremony was performed by the bishop of W—, in presence of
his lordship's mother, my father, and another lady. The
nuptial knot being tied, we set out for my father's house in
the country, and proceeded full twenty miles on our journey
before my lord opened his mouth, my thoughts having been all
that time employed on something quite foreign to my present
situation; for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At
length my father broke silence, and clapping his lordship on
the shoulder, told him he was but a dull bridegroom; upon
which my lord gave him to understand that he was out of
spirits. This dejection continued all the day,
notwithstanding the refreshment of a plentiful dinner which
he ate upon the road; and in the evening we arrived at the
place of our destination, where we were kindly received by
my mother, though she had no liking to the match; and, after
supper, we retired to our apartment.
"It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most
disagreeable contrast between my present helpmate and my
former lord. Instead of flying to my arms with all the
eagerness of love and rapture, this manly representative sat
moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution day, and
owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman whose hand he had
scarce ever touched.
"I could not help being affected with this pusillanimous
behaviour. I remembered Lord W—, while I surveyed the object
before me, and made such a comparison as filled me with
horror and disgust: nay, to such a degree did my aversion to
this phantom prevail, that I began to sweat with anguish at
the thought of being subjected to his pleasure; and when,
after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I
trembled as if I had been exposed to the embraces of a
rattlesnake. Nor did the efforts of his love diminish this
antipathy. His attempts were like the pawings of an imp,
sent from hell to seize and torment some guilty wretch, such
as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I have
never seen acted without remembering my wedding-night. By
such shadowy, unsubstantial, vexatious behaviour was I
tantalized, and robbed of my repose; and early next morning
I got up, with a most sovereign contempt for my bedfellow,
who indulged himself in bed till eleven.
"Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with
him to his house at Twickenham, and soon after we were
presented at court, when the queen was pleased to say to my
lord's mother, she did not doubt that we should be a happy
couple, for I had been a good wife to my former husband.
"Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new
spouse, he was not wanting in point of liberality. I was
presented with a very fine chariot, studded with silver
nails, and such a profusion of jewels as furnished a joke to
some of my acquaintance, who observed, that I was formerly
queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen of
diamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did not let
slip, of paying Lord W—'s debts from my privy purse; and on
that score received the thanks of his elder brother, who,
though he had undertaken to discharge them, delayed the
execution of his purpose longer than I thought they should
remain unpaid. This uncommon splendour attracted the eyes
and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in
their resentments, because, notwithstanding my marriage, I
was as much as ever followed by the men of gallantry and
pleasure, among whom it is a constant maxim, that a woman
never withholds her affections from her husband, without an
intention to bestow them somewhere else. I never appeared
without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was
always crowded with gay young men of quality.
"Among those who cultivated my good graces with the
greatest skill and assiduity, were the Earl C— and Mr. S—-,
brother to Lord F—. The former of whom, in the course of his
addresses, treated me with an entertainment of surprising
magnificence, disposed into a dinner, supper, and ball, to
which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whom he
paired with the like number of his own sex; so that the
whole company amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with
a most elegant dinner, in an apartment which was altogether
superb, and served by gentlemen only, no livery servant
being permitted to come within the door. In the afternoon we
embarked in two splendid barges, being attended by a band of
music in a third; and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the
river till the twilight, when we returned and began the
ball, which was conducted with such order and taste, that
mirth and good-humour prevailed. No dissatisfaction
appeared, except in the countenance of one old maid, since
married to a son of the duke of —, who though she would not
refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was
displeased that I should have the honour of inviting her. O
baleful Envy! thou self-tormenting fiend! how dost thou
predominate in all assemblies, from the grand gala of a
court, to the meeting of simple peasants at their
harvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion
to be wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and
vanity of our sex. The presence of one favourite man shall
poison the enjoyment of a whole company, and produce the
most rancorous enmity betwixt the closest friends.
"I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all
the artillery of his eloquence in making love; yet I did not
listen to his addresses, for he was not to my taste, though
he possessed an agreeable person, and a good acquired
understanding; but he was utterly ignorant of that gentle
prevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S—-,
and which was the only method he could have successfully
practised in seducing a young woman like me, born with
sentiments of honour, and trained up in the paths of
religion and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed
absolutely master of those insinuating qualifications which
few women of passion and sensibility can resist; and had a
person every way adapted for profiting by these insidious
talents. He was well acquainted with the human heart,
conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercised these
endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was tall and
thin, of a shape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste,
with large blue eloquent eyes, good teeth, and a long head
turned to gallantry. His behaviour was the standard of
politeness, and all his advances were conducted with the
most profound respect; which is the most effectual expedient
a man can use against us, if he can find means to persuade
us that it proceeds from the excess and delicacy of his
passion. It is no other than a silent compliment, by which
our accomplishments are continually flattered and pleases in
proportion to the supposed understanding of him who pays it.
"By these arts and advantages this consummate politician
in love began by degrees to sap the foundation of my
conjugal faith: he stole imperceptibly into my affection,
and by dint of opportunity, which he well knew how to
improve, triumphed at last over all his rivals.
"Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with
Earl C—. That nobleman was also rivalled by Lord C. H—, a
Scotchman, who had been an intimate and relation of my
former husband. Him I would have preferred to most of his
competitors, and actually coquetted with him for some time:
but the amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland; upon
which occasion, understanding that he was but indifferently
provided with money, I made him a present of a gold
snuff-box, in which was enclosed a bank-note; a trifling
mark of my esteem, which he afterwards justified by the most
grateful, friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as we
corresponded by letters, I frankly told him, that Mr. S—-
had stepped in, and won the palm from all the rest of my
admirers.
"This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the
neighbourhood, were my constant companions; and, in
consequence of this intimacy, he never let a day pass
without paying his respects to me in person; nay, so
ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his
suit, that whether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed
at home, he was always of course one of the party; so that
his design seemed to engross his whole vigilance and
attention. Thus he studied my disposition, and established
himself in my good opinion at the same time. He found my
heart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw
that I was not free from the vanity of youth; he had already
acquired my friendship and esteem, from which he knew there
was a short and easy transition to love. By his penetration
choosing proper seasons for the theme, he urged it with such
pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivate
a young woman of my complexion and experience, and
circumstanced as I was, with a husband whom I had such
reason to despise.
"Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart,
he did not find my virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was
ignorant of the advantage he had gained with regard to my
inclinations, until I was convinced of his success by an
alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing him
engaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith
recognized this symptom of love, with which I had been
formerly acquainted, and trembled at the discovery of my own
weakness. I underwent a strange agitation and mixture of
contrary sensations. I was pleased with the passion, yet
ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a
husband, though mine was but a nominal one, occurred to my
reflection, and virtue, modesty, and honour, forbade me to
cherish the guilty flame.
"When I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved
to sacrifice my love to duty and reputation, my lord was
almost every day employed in riding post to my father, with
complaints of my conduct, which was hitherto irreproachable;
though the greatest grievance which he pretended to have
suffered was my refusing to comply with his desire, when he
entreated me to lie, a whole hour every morning, with my
neck uncovered, that, by gazing, he might quiet the
perturbation of his spirits. From this request you may judge
of the man, as well as of the regard I must entertain for
his character and disposition.
"During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful
undoer, and in the autumn set out with my lord for Bath,
where, by reason of the intimacy that subsisted between our
families, we lived in the same house with my lover and his
sister, who, with another agreeable young lady, accompanied
us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S— had extorted from
me a confession of a mutual flame, though I assured him that
it should never induce me to give up the valuable possession
of an unspotted character, and a conscience void of offence.
I offered him all the enjoyment he could reap from an
unreserved intercourse of souls, abstracted from any sensual
consideration. He eagerly embraced the platonic proposal,
because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue of such
chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he could
accomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my
own terms, and cultivating my tenderness under the specious
pretext.
"In consequence of this agreement, we took all
opportunities of seeing each other in private; and these
interviews were spent in mutual protestations of
disinterested love. This correspondence, though dangerous,
was, on my side, equally innocent and endearing; and many
happy hours we passed, before my sentiments were discovered.
At length my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst
out beyond the power of concealment; my grief and anxiety
became so conspicuous in my countenance, and my behaviour
was so indiscreet, that everybody in the house perceived the
situation of my thoughts, and blamed my conduct accordingly.
"Certain it is, I was extremely imprudent, though
intentionally innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord,
who teased and tormented me for that which neither I could
give nor he could take, and ruminated on the fatal
consequences of this unhappy flame, until I was worked into
a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in
flight, and often determined to banish myself for ever from
the sight of this dangerous intruder. But my resolution
always failed at the approach of day, and my desire of
seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I from
persisting in such commendable determinations, that, on the
eve of our departure from Bath, I felt the keenest pangs of
sorrow at our approaching separation; and, as we could not
enjoy our private interviews at my house in town, I promised
to visit him at his own apartments, after he had sworn by
all that's sacred, that he would take no sinister advantage
of my condescension, by presuming upon the opportunities I
should give.
"He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear
and trembling, and perceived that my apprehension was not
affected, but the natural concern of a young creature,
distracted between love and duty, whom, had he alarmed, he
would never had seen within his doors again. Instead of
pressing me with solicitations in favour of his passion, he
was more than ever respectful and complaisant; so that I
found myself disengaged of all restraint, conducted the
conversation, shortened and repeated my visits at my own
pleasure, till at last I became so accustomed to this
communication, that his house was as familiar to me as my
own.
"Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence,
he resumed the favourite topic of love, and, warming my
imagination by gradual advances on the subject, my heart
began to pant; when he saw me thus moved, he snatched the
favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art. I
could not resist his energy nor even fly from the temptation
that assailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he
should, at our next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious
expectation. Upon this condition, I was permitted to retire,
and blessed heaven for my escape, fully determined to
continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod, and
stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation
were endangered. But his idea, which reigned in my heart
without control, soon baffled all these prudent suggestions.
"I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which
I endeavoured to evade with affected pleasantry, upon which
he manifested the utmost displeasure and chagrin, shedding
some crocodile tears, and upbraided me with levity and
indifference. He observed, that he had solicited my favour
for ten long months without intermission, and imagined I had
held out so long on virtuous motives only; but now he could
plainly perceive that his want of success had been owing to
my want of affection, and that all my professions were
insincere. In a word, he persuaded me that his remonstrances
were just and reasonable. I could not see the affliction of
a man I loved, when I knew it was in my power to remove it;
and, rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and
love, I consented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the
remembrance of the dear though fatal indiscretion; yet I
reflect without remorse, and even remember it with pleasure.
"If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was
resolved to bear it without repining; and sure the guilt, if
there was any in my conduct, was but venial; for I
considered myself as a person absolved of all matrimonial
ties, by the insignificance of Lord ——, who, though a
nominal husband, was in fact a mere nonentity. I therefore
contracted a new engagement with my lover, to which I
resolved to adhere with the most scrupulous fidelity,
without the least intention of injuring my lord or his
relations; for, had our mutual passion produced any visible
effects, I would immediately have renounced and abandoned my
husband for ever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S— might
not have inherited, to the detriment of the right heir. This
was my determination, which I thought just, if not prudent;
and for which I have incurred the imputation of folly, in
the opinion of this wise and honest generation, by whose
example and advice I have, since that time, been a little
reformed in point of prudentials, though I still retain a
strong tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking.
"When I quitted Mr. S—, after the sacrifice I had made,
and returned to my own bed, it may, perhaps, be supposed
that I slept but little. True: I was kept awake by the
joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. Indeed I neglected
no opportunity of flying to his arms. When Lord — was in the
country, we enjoyed each other's company without
interruption; but when he resided in town, our
correspondence was limited to stolen interviews, which were
unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided at the
entertainment.
"Such was my happiness in the course of this tender
communication, that to this day I remember it with pleasure,
though it has cost me dear in the sequel, and was at that
time enjoyed at a considerable expense; for I devoted myself
so entirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossing my
time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very
numerous, justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence
cooled in their friendships; but I was 'all for love, or the
world well lost;' and were the same opportunity to offer, I
would act the same conduct over again.
"Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love
twice with such violence of affection. But all such
observers must be unacquainted with the human heart. Mine
was naturally adapted for the tender passions, and had been
so fortunate, so cherished in its first impressions, that it
felt with joy the same sensations revive, when influenced by
the same engaging qualifications. Certain it is, I loved the
second time as well as the first, and better was impossible.
I gave up my all for both: fortune and my father's favour
for the one; reputation, friends, and fortune for the other.
Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connection, I did not
relinquish the world all at once; on the contrary, I still
appeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation
of my royal patroness; I danced with the P— of W—; a
circumstance which so nearly affected Mr. S—, who was
present, that, in order to manifest his resentment, he chose
the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; and I no
sooner perceived his uneasiness, than I gave over, with a
view of appeasing his displeasure.
"Without repeating particular circumstances, let it
suffice to say, our mutual passion was a perfect copy of
that which had subsisted between me and my dear Lord W—. It
was jealous, melting and delicate, and chequered with little
accident, which serve to animate and maintain the flame, in
its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick, I
attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and
care; and during an indisposition, which I caught in the
performance of this agreeable office, he discharged the
obligation with all the warmth of sympathy and love.
"It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians,
that I should use the Bath waters for the recovery of my
health; and I set out for that place, glad of a pretence to
be absent from Lord ——, with whom I lived on very unhappy
terms. He had, about nine months after our marriage, desired
that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very
whimsical reason for this proposal. He said, the immensity
of his love deprived him of the power of gratification, and
that some commerce with an object, to which his heart was
not attached, might, by diminishing the transports of his
spirits, recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy the
fruits of his good fortune.
"You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which
was immediately put into execution. He made his addresses to
a nymph of Drury Lane, whose name, as he told me, was Mrs.
Rock. She made shift to extract some money from her patient;
but his infirmity was beyond the power of her art, though
she made some mischief between us; and I communicated my
suspicion to the duke of H—, who intended to have
expostulated with her upon the subject; but she got
intimation of his design, and saved him the trouble by a
precipitate retreat.
"After my return from Bath, where Mr. S— and I had lived
happily, until we were interrupted by the arrival of my
husband, his lordship expressed an inclination to be my
bedfellow again. In this particular I desired to be excused.
I would not be the first to propose the separation, which,
though usual in other countries, is contrary to the custom
of England, being unwilling to furnish the least handle for
censure, as my character was still unblemished; yet, when
the proposal came from him, I thought myself entitled to
refuse a reunion; to which I accordingly objected.
"This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a
state of perpetual animosity; so that we began to talk of
parting. My lord relished the expedient, agreeing to add
three hundred pounds a year to my pin-money, which, by the
bye, was never paid; and I renounced all state and grandeur,
to live in a small house that I hired at Carshalton, where I
passed my time for two months, in the most agreeable
retirement, with my dear lover. At length I was disturbed by
the intrusion of my lord, who molested me with visits and
solicitations to return, pretending that he had changed his
mind, and insisting upon my compliance with his desire.
"I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his
request; but he persecuted me without ceasing. So that I was
fain to capitulate, on condition that he should immediately
set out for France; and that he should not presume to
approach my bed till our arrival at Calais. We accordingly
departed for that kingdom; and, far from infringing the
least article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist
upon his privilege before we reached the capital of France.
"Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a
very interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to
the dear author of it, who would not leave me in such an
affecting situation, but took the first opportunity of
following us to France.
"In our road to Paris, we stopped to visit Chantilly, a
magnificent chateau belonging to the prince of Conde, and
there met by accident with some English noblemen, to whom I
was known. The prince and his sisters invited me very
politely into the gallery where they sat. They complimented
me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, which was
altogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit,
trimmed with gold, and a hat with a feather. They were
particularly well pleased with my hair which hung down to my
waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnight at their house; an
invitation which I was very much mortified at being obliged
to refuse, because my lord did not understand the French
language. I was enchanted with the place and the company,
the women being amiable, and the men polite; nor were they
strangers to my name and story; for Mr. S— calling at the
same place a few days after, they rallied him on my account.
"When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to
metamorphose myself into a Frenchwoman. I cut off my hair,
hid a very good complexion of my own with rouge, reconciled
myself to powder, which I had never used before, put on a
robe with a large hoop, and went to the Tuileries, full of
spirits and joy; for, at that time, everything conspired to
make me happy. I had health, youth, and beauty, love,
vanity, and affluence, and found myself surrounded with
diversions which were gay, new, and agreeable. My appearance
drew upon me the eyes of the whole company, who considered
me a stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was I
equipped in the fashion of the French; and when they
understood who I was, they applauded my person with the most
lavish encomiums, according to their known politeness.
"After having made a circuit round all the public places
of entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company
by an English family, residing in that city; and, among
others, became acquainted with a French lady, whose charms
were remarkably attractive. The duke of K— was her admirer;
but she lived in reputation with her mother, and an
agreeable sister, whose lover was the prince of C—, for
almost every lady in France has her aimant.
"With this charming woman, whose name was Madame de la
T—, I often made parties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S—, she,
and I, used to meet in the Bois de Boulogne, which is a
pleasant wood, at a small distance from Paris, whither the
company repairs in the summer season for the benefit of the
air; and, after having amused ourselves among the groves,
embarked in his grace's equipage, which was extremely
elegant, being a calash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys,
adorned with ribbons, in the French taste; and thus we were
conducted to a little enchanted, or at least enchanting,
palace, possessed by the duke, at one end of the town. The
lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with
yellow and silver, the bed surrounded with looking-glasses,
and the door opened into the garden, laid out in a cradle
walk, and intervening parterres of roses and other flowers.
Above-stairs, my female companion lodged in a chamber
furnished with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon,
which, though small, was perfectly elegant. The company was
always good-humoured, the conversation sprightly and joyous,
and the scene, though often repeated, still delightful and
entertaining.
"At other times, Mr. S— and I used to pass our evenings
at the palace of the prince of C—, which his highness lent
us for our accommodation. The apartments opened into the
gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, in point of
magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to
repair in a flaming equipage, on pretence of visiting, and
spent the best part of the night with him who was dearer to
me than all the princes in the world.
"While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties,
my little lord was employed in his efforts to recover his
health by restoratives, and I know not what; for he still
lamented the enfeebling effects of his passion, and
complained that he loved me more like an angel than a woman,
though he strove to govern his affections according to the
doctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his
life by the maxims of Charles the Twelfth of Sweden. The
meaning of this declaration I could never learn; and,
indeed, I have been often tempted to believe he had no
meaning at all.
"Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing,
and my situation extremely uneasy, on account of the
perpetual wrangling which prevailed between us, in
consequence of his desiring to sleep with me again, after we
had parted beds for the second time; and, that I might no
longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, I
resolved to leave him, though at the hazard of my life.
"Thus determined, I went to the British ambassador, in a
hackney-coach; and, in order to disguise my youth, which
might have prepossessed him against my judgment, muffled
myself up in a black hood, which, as he said, instead of
lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added a
wildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable.
He had been a gallant man in his youth, and even then,
though well stricken in years, was not insensible to the
power of beauty. This disposition, perhaps, rendered him
more favourable to my cause, though he first advised me to
return to my husband; but finding me obstinate, he undertook
to serve me in my own way, and procured a protection from
the French king, by virtue of which I could live at Paris
unmolested by my lord. Nevertheless, he advised me, if I was
determined to leave him, to make the best of my way to
England and sue for a divorce. I relished his opinion, and
concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which I
borrowed some linen; for, as it was impossible to convey
anything out of my own house without suspicion, I had
neither clothes for my accommodation, nor a servant to wait
on me.
"In this solitary condition, I took the road to Flanders,
after I had put my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a
letter to him, dated at Calais, and travelled through an
unknown country, without any other attendant than the
postillion, being subjected to this inconvenience by the
laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars,
that, if any person had been apprehended with me, he would
have suffered death for going off with a man's wife; though
any man might go to bed with that same woman, without fear
of incurring any legal punishment.
"I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I
might the sooner reach Flanders, where I knew I should be
safe; and as the nights were excessively cold, I was fain to
wrap myself up in flannel, which I bought for the purpose,
as I had no clothes to keep me warm, and travelled in an
open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quite
remote from the habitations of men, I was not without
apprehension of being stripped and murdered by the
postillion; and, in all probability, owed my safety to the
indigence of my appearance, which might also protect me in
two miserable places, where I was obliged to lie, before I
got out of the territories of France; for, as I could not
reach the great towns where I intended to lodge, I was under
the necessity of putting up at little wretched hovels, where
no provision was to be had, but sour brown bread, and sourer
cheese; and everything seemed to denote the dens of despair
and assassination.
"I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare,
uncomfortable as it was, confiding on the meanness of my
equipage for the security of my person; and at length
arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters in the Hotel de
Flandre (so well known to the English since), where I
thought myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my
flight.
"I had not been two full days in this place, when I was
blessed with the sight of my lover, who followed me on the
wings of love, in pursuance of the plan we had projected
before my departure from Paris. Here we concerted measures
for proceeding to England. I hired a tall fine Liegeoise for
my maid, and setting out for Ostend, we embarked in a
vessel, in which Mr. S— had bespoke our passage. Our voyage
was short and prosperous, and our time most agreeably spent
in the company of my dear partner, who was a most engaging
man in all respects, as I dare say my Lady C— has since
found him.
"I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in
Poland-street, retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for
separation against my lord. I communicated the reasons of my
elopement to my father, who was shocked and surprised at my
conduct, which he condemned with expressions of sorrow and
resentment. But the step was taken; nor did I repent of what
I had done, except on his account.
"In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon
the lord chief justice, to whom I complained of the usage I
had received from my lord, whose temper was teasing,
tiresome, and intolerably capricious. Indeed, his behaviour
was a strange compound of madness and folly, seasoned with a
small proportion of sense. No wonder then, that I, who am
hot and hasty, should be wretched, under the persecution of
such a perverse humourist, who used to terrify me, and scold
at me the whole night without intermission, and shake my
pillow from time to time, that I might not sleep, while he
tormented me with his disagreeable expostulations. I have
been often frightened almost out of my senses, at seeing him
convulsed with the most unreasonable passion; and chagrined
to the highest degree of disgust, to find, by repeated
observation, his disposition so preposterous, that his
satisfaction and displeasure never depended upon the cause
he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, on the contrary,
when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most
discontented, and very often in good-humour when he had
reason enough for vexation.
"While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with
lawyers, and so often visited by my father, that I could not
dedicate my whole time as usual to my lover; nor was it
convenient that he should be seen in my company: he
therefore took a small house at Camberwell, whither I went
as often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the
correspondence with such eagerness and industry, that,
although I was six months gone with child, I have often, by
myself, set out for his habitation, in a hackney-coach, at
eleven o'clock at night, and returned by six in the morning,
that I might be in my own bed when my father came to see me;
for I concealed my amour, as well as the effects of it, from
his knowledge, and frequently took water from the bridge,
that my motions might not be discovered. Nothing but the
most passionate love could have supported my spirits under
such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my admirer to spend
whole days by himself in such a solitary retirement.
"By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and
employed in discovering the place of my retreat; so that I
lived in continual alarm, and provided myself with a
speaking-trumpet, which stood by my bedside, to be used in
calling for assistance, in case my pursuer should make an
attack upon my lodgings.
"This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no
sooner begun my process against him, than I put myself
entirely under the protection of Mr. S—, who conducted me to
the house of a friend of his who lived in the country, where
I was secure from the attempts of my husband. The world had
now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the most
perfect resignation. I weighed in my breast what I should
lose in point of character, with what I suffered in my peace
at home, and found, that my reputation was not to be
preserved, except at the expense of my quiet, for his
lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I been ever
so discreet. I therefore determined to give up a few
ceremonial visits, and empty professions, for the more
substantial enjoyments of life.
"We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements
with this friend of Mr. S—, until the term of my reckoning
was almost expired, then returned to London, and took
lodgings in Southampton-street, where I began to make the
preparations for the approaching occasion. Here I proposed
to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name,
saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the
window lest I should be discovered by accident.
Notwithstanding these precautions, my French maid, whom I
had sent for some of my clothes, was dogged in her return,
and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had he
given the assault in his person only, I make no doubt but he
would have suffered a repulse from the opposition of the
Liegeoise, who made all the resistance in her power; but was
obliged to give way to superior numbers. I was at that time
abed, and hearing an unusual noise below, rang my bell, in
order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my
curtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my
chamber but his lordship, attended by a constable, and the
footman who had discovered my retreat!
"Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me
with surprise and consternation. However, I summoned all my
fortitude to my aid, and perceiving the fellows were about
to open my window-shutters, desired their principal to order
them down-stairs. He readily complied with my request, and
sitting down by my bedside, told me with an air of triumph,
that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, that I
was heartily sorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding me
with my escape, he proceeded to entertain me with all the
news in town, and gave me a minute detail of everything that
happened to him since our parting; among other articles of
intelligence, giving me to understand, that he had
challenged Mr. S—, who refused to fight him, and was in
disgrace with the prince of W— on that account.
"But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the
naked truth. He had indeed, before our departure from the
country, gone to my lover, and insisted upon having
satisfaction in Hyde Park, two days from the date of his
demand, and at three o'clock in the afternoon; S—, believing
him in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he observed,
that these affairs could not be discussed too soon, and
wished the time of meeting might be an earlier hour. But his
lordship did not choose to alter the circumstances of his
first proposal; and, when he went away, said he should
expect him at the appointed place and time, if it did not
rain.
"His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation,
when I assured him the whole business would end in smoke.
Accordingly, my lord sent him a letter on Monday, desiring
that the assignation might be deferred till Thursday, that
he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay S— a
hundred pounds, which he had formerly borrowed of him. When
Thursday came, he was favoured with another epistle,
importing that the challenger had changed his mind, and
would seek satisfaction at law. Thus ended that heroic
exploit, which his lordship now boasted of with such
arrogant misrepresentation.
"While he thus regaled me with these interesting
particulars, I was contriving a scheme to frustrate the
discovery he had made; so that I did not contradict his
assertions, but told him, that, if he would go down-stairs,
I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to this
proposal with great cheerfulness; and I own I was not a
little surprised to find him, at this first interview, in as
good a humour as if nothing had happened to interrupt the
felicity of our matrimonial union.
"It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from
his notice, being now within a week of the expected crisis.
But I knew I had to do with a man of no great penetration,
and succeeded in my attempt accordingly. We breakfasted with
great harmony, and I invited him to dinner, after having
prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons, whom,
nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o'clock at
night. We conversed together with great gaiety and mirth.
When I rallied him for visiting me in such a dishabille, he
stood on tiptoe to view himself in the glass; and, owning I
was in the right, said he would go and dress himself before
dinner. He accordingly went away, charging my maid to give
him entrance at his return; and he was no sooner gone than I
wrote to Mr. S—, giving him an account of what had happened.
Then, without having determined on any certain plan, I
huddled on my clothes, muffled myself up, and calling a
chair, went to the next tavern, where I stayed no longer
than was sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to the
astonishment of the drawers, who could not conceive the
meaning of my perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the
neighbourhood, where I dismissed my second chair, and
procured a hackney-coach, in which I repaired to the
lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having made him
acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and
consulted him about a proper place of retreat, after some
recollection, he directed me to a little house in a court,
to which, by the assistance of my lover, my woman and
clothes were safely conveyed that same evening.
"My lord, however, came to dinner, according to
invitation, and did not seem at all alarmed when my maid
told him I was gone, but stepped to my lawyer to know if he
thought I should return. Upon his answering in the
affirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the
meantime, and eat the dinner I had provided, he very
deliberately took his advice, made a very hearty meal, drank
his bottle of wine, and, as I did not return according to
his expectation, withdrew in order to consult his
associates. This motion of his furnished my woman with an
opportunity of making her retreat; and, when he returned at
night, the coast was clear, and he found nobody in the
house, but a porter, who had been left to take care of the
furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment, that he
made a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood,
reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the
peace, tarried in the street till three o'clock in the
morning, discharged a lodging he had hired at a barber's
shop opposite to the house from which I had escaped, and
retired with the comfortable reflection of having done
everything which a man could do to retrieve me.
"The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in
effecting this retreat, produced such a disorder in my
constitution, that I began to fear I should be delivered
before I could be provided with the necessaries for the
occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr. S—, who, with
infinite care and concern, endeavoured to find a more
convenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged
to fix upon a paltry apartment in the city, though his
tenderness was extremely shocked at the necessity of
choosing it. However, there was no remedy, nor time to be
lost, To this miserable habitation I was carried in a
hackney-coach; and, though extremely ill, bore my fate with
spirit and resignation, in testimony of my sincere and
indelible attachment to my lover, for whose case and
pleasure, I could have suffered every inconvenience, and
even sacrificed my life.
"Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched
apartment, I was constrained by my indisposition to go to
bed, and send for necessary help; and in a few hours a
living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw the light,
though the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected
this little innocent so severely, that it scarce discovered
any visible signs of life. My grief at this misfortune was
inexpressible. I forthwith despatched a message to the dear,
the anxious father, who flew to my arms, and shared my
sorrow, with all the gentleness of love and parental
fondness; yet our fears were, for that time, happily
disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was
committed to the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood; so
that I could every day be satisfied in my inquiries about
her health. Thus I continued a whole fortnight in a state of
happiness and tranquility, being blessed with the
conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love
and attention I wholly engrossed. In a word, he gave up all
business and amusement, and concentrated all his care and
assiduity in ministering to my ease and satisfaction: and
sure I had no cause to regret what I had suffered on his
account.
"But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by
a most alarming accident, by which my life was drawn into
imminent danger. The room under my bed-chamber took fire: I
immediately smelt it, and saw the people about me in the
utmost perplexity and consternation, though they would not
own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health should
suffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm in my
inquiries, that they ventured to tell me my suspicion was
but too just; upon which I gave such directions as I thought
would secure me from catching cold, in case there should be
a necessity for removing me; but the fire being happily
extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost
me my life. Indeed, it was surprising that the agitation of
my spirits did not produce some fatal effect upon my
constitution; and I looked upon my deliverance as the
protection of a particular providence.
"Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found
it was high time to change my lodgings, because the
neighbours rushing into the house, upon the alarm of fire,
had discovered my situation, though they were ignorant of my
name; and I did not think myself safe in being the subject
of their conjectures. Mr. S—, therefore, procured another
compartment, with better accommodation, to which I was
carried as soon as my health would admit of my removal; and
soon after my lord wrote to me by the hands of my lawyer,
earnestly entreating me to drop my prosecution, and come
home; but I would not comply with his request; and nothing
was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving
any favours at his hands.
"Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for
my person; in the course of which he is said to have
detected several ladies and young girls, who had reasons for
keeping themselves concealed; and had like to have been very
severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Being
unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into a treaty
with one Sir R— H—, a person of a very indifferent
character, who undertook to furnish him with an infallible
expedient to discover the place of my abode, if he would
gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds; which being
executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and
my maid in the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as
a reward to any person who should disclose the place of our
retirement.
"As soon as the paper fell into my hands, I was again
involved in perplexity; and, being afraid of staying in
town, resolved, with the concurrence of my lover, to accept
of an invitation I had received from the duke of K—, who had
by this time arrived in England, with that lady whom I have
already mentioned as one of our parties at Paris. Having
visited my little infant, I next day set out for the duke's
country seat, which is a most elegant chateau, and stands in
a charming situation. Mr. S—- followed in a few days. We met
with a very cordial reception; his grace was civil and
good-natured, lived nobly, and loved pleasure; Madame de la
T— was formed to please. There was always a great deal of
company in the house; so that we passed our time agreeably
in playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking,
reading, and conversation.
"But my terms of happiness were generally of short
duration. In the midst of this felicity I was overtaken by a
most severe affliction, in the death of my dear hapless
infant, who had engrossed a greater share of my tenderness
than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring of a
legitimate contract; because the circumstance of her birth
would have been an insurmountable misfortune to her through
the whole course of her life, and rendered her absolutely
dependent on my love and protection.
"While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair
blossom, Lord — came down, and demanded me as his wife; but
the suit which I then maintained against him deprived him,
for the present, of a husband's right; and therefore the
duke would not deliver me into his hands. In six months he
repeated his visit and demand; and an agreement was patched
up, in consequence of which I consented to live in the same
house with him, on condition that he should never desire to
sleep with me, or take any other measure to disturb my
peace; otherwise I should be at liberty to leave him again,
and entitled to the provision of a separate maintenance. To
these articles I assented, by the advice of my lawyers, with
a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which I had
never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale
of my jewels, which were very considerable, and had been
presented to me with full power of alienation. As to my
lover, he had no fortune to support me; and for that reason
I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his expense.
"We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years,
during which our mutual passions had suffered no abatement,
nor had my happiness been mixed with any considerable alloy,
except that late stroke of providence which I have already
mentioned, and the reflection of the sorrow that my conduct
had entailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyond
expression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to
disoblige but a more powerful flame, that prevailed over
every other consideration. As I was now forced to break off
this enchanting correspondence, it is not to be doubted that
our parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief and
disappointment. However, there was no remedy. I tore myself
from his arms, took my leave of the family, after having
acknowledged my obligations to the duke, and set out for the
place of rendezvous, where I was met by my lord, attended by
a steward whom he had lately engaged, and who was one chief
cause of our future separations. My lord, having quitted his
house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall Mall,
and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I
refused to gratify his desire, on the authority of our
agreement.
"This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which
I attempted to leave the house. He endeavouring to prevent
my retreat, I fairly locked him in, ran down-stairs, and,
calling a hackney-coach, made the best of my way into the
city, to my father's lodgings, where I lay, the family being
in town, though he himself was in the country. I wrote to
him immediately; and, when he came to London, declared my
intention of separating from my lord; in which, seeing me
obstinate and determined, he at length acquiesced, and a
formal separation accordingly ensued, which at that time I
thought binding and immutable.
"I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent
father, who had taken me into favour again, on the
supposition that my commerce with Mr. S— was absolutely at
an end. Nevertheless, though we had separated, in all
appearance for ever, we had previously agreed to maintain
our correspondence in private interviews, which should
escape the notice of the world, with which I was again
obliged to keep some measures.
"Our parting at the duke of K—'s house in the country was
attended with all the genuine marks of sincere and
reciprocal affection, and I lived in the sweet hope of
seeing him again, in all the transport of his former
passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, brought me
a billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the
superscription of S—'s handwriting, I opened it with all the
impatience of an absent lover; but how shall I describe the
astonishment and consternation with which I was seized, when
I perused the contents! Instead of the most tender vows and
protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam, the
best thing you can do is to return to your father, or some
cold and killing expression to that effect.
"Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire
conjuncture! the light forsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed
my limbs, and I was overwhelmed with such a torrent of
sorrow and surprise, that everybody present believed I would
have died under the violent agitation. They endeavoured to
support my spirits with repeated draughts of strong liquor,
which had no sensible effect upon my constitution, though
for eight whole years I had drunk nothing stronger than
water; and I must have infallibly perished in the first
ecstasy of my grief, had it not made its way in a fit of
tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to
the amazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed,
and raised from their repose. My father was the only person
who guessed the cause of my affliction; he said he was sure
I had received some ill-usage in a letter or message from
that rascal S—; so he termed him in the bitterness of
passion.
"At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a
degree that all who were present wept at sight of my
deplorable condition. My poor father shed a flood of tears,
and conjured me to tell him the cause of my disquiet; upon
which, rather than confess the truth, I amused his concern
by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family having
stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to
the care of my maid, who put me into bed about six in the
morning, but I enjoyed no rest. I revolved every
circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to find out the
cause of this fatal change in S—'s disposition; and as I
could recollect nothing which could justly give offence,
concluded that some malicious persons had abused his ears
with stories to my prejudice.
"With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him
with a letter, wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I
might have an opportunity of justifying myself in person; a
task which would be easily performed, as I had never
offended, but in loving too well. I waited with the most
anxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who
brought me an answer couched in the coldest terms of
civility which indifference could dictate; acknowledging,
however, that he had nothing to lay to my charge, but that
it was for the good of us both that we should part. He ought
to have reflected on that before, not after I had sacrificed
my all for his love! I was well-nigh distracted by this
confirmation of his inconstancy; and I wonder to this day
how I retained the use of my reason under such circumstances
of horror and despair! My grief laid aside all decorum and
restraint; I told my father that S— was dying, and that I
would visit him with all expedition.
"Startled at the proposal, this careful parent
demonstrated the fatal consequence of such an unguarded
step, reminded me of the difficulty with which he had
prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my former
imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into
the country next day, in order to effect a perfect
reconciliation; but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all
pretensions to their regard, by committing another fatal
error, which could not possibly be retrieved; and that, for
his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he was resolved
to banish me from his sight for ever.
"While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled
down his cheeks, and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest
sorrow and mortification; so it may be easily conceived what
were the impressions of my grief, reinforced with the
affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the
consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was
struck dumb with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the
use of speech, I told him how sensible I was of his great
goodness and humanity, and owned how little I deserved his
favour and affection; that the sense of my own unworthiness
was one cause of my present distraction; for such was the
condition of my fate, that I must either see S— or die. I
said, though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was
surely worthy of his compassion; that nothing but the most
irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my
duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree of his
displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed,
and would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which
was the only abode in which I hoped for peace.
"While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good
father wept with the most tender sympathy, and, saying I
might do as I pleased, for he had done with me, quitted the
room, leaving me to the cruel sensations of my own heart,
which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with a fault
which I could not help committing. I immediately hired a
chariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not
my father's affection, which all my errors could not efface,
provided an attendant. He saw me quite delirious and
desperate; and therefore engaged a relation of my own to
accompany and take care of me in this rash expedition.
"During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no
remission of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most
intolerable sorrow and suspense. At last we arrived at a
little house called the Hut, on Salisbury Plain, where, in
the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letter to S—,
describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by
his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most
earnest solicitations. This billet I committed to the care
of my attendant, and laid strong injunctions upon him to
tell Mr. S—, my injuries were so great, and my despair so
violent, that, if he did not favour me with a visit, I would
go to him, though at his sister's house, where he then was.
"He received my message with great coldness, and told my
friend, that, if I would return to London without insisting
upon the interview I demanded, he would, in a little time,
follow me to town, and everything should be amicably
adjusted; but when the messenger assured him, that I was too
much transported with grief to hear of such a proposal, he
consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury Plain, that
we might avoid all observation. And though I was little able
to walk, I set out for the place of assignation, my
companion following at a small distance.
"When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I
collected all my fortitude, and advanced to him with all the
speed I could exert; but when I made an effort to speak, my
tongue denied its office, and so lively was the expression
of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, that his heart,
hard as it was, melted at the sight of my sufferings, which
he well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At
length I recovered the use of speech enough to tell him,
that I was come to take my leave; and, when I would have
proceeded, my voice failed me again. But, after a
considerable pause, I found means, with great difficulty, to
let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to
retrieve his lost affections; but that I was willing, if
possible, to retain his esteem, of which could I be assured,
I would endeavour to compose myself; that I was determined
to leave the kingdom, because I could not bear the sight of
those places where we had been so happy in our mutual love;
and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me
sometimes, that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his
company; for I should not be able to survive the shock of
being deprived of him all at once.
"This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned
observer; but love will tame the proudest disposition, as
plainly appeared in my case; for I had naturally as much
spirit, or more, than the generality of people have. Mr. S—
was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour, that
he scarce knew what answer to make; for, as he afterwards
owned, he expected to hear himself upbraided; but he was not
proof against my tenderness. After some hesitation, he said,
he never meant to forsake me entirely, that his affection
was still unimpaired, and that he would follow me directly
to London. I imposed upon myself, and believed what he said,
because I could not bear to think of parting with him for
ever, and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind
than that in which I had left my father, though my heart was
far from being at ease; my fears being ingenious enough to
foresee, that I should never be able to overcome his
indifference.
"I took lodgings in Mount-street, and my maid having
disposed of herself in marriage, hired another, who supplied
her place very much to my satisfaction. She was a good girl,
had a particular attachment to me, and for many years,
during which she lived in my service, was indefatigably
assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather in
alleviating my affliction. For, though S— came up to town
according to promise, and renewed a sort of correspondence
with me for the space of five months, his complaisance would
extend no farther; and he gave me to understand, that he had
determined to go abroad with Mr. V—; whom he accordingly
accompanied in his envoying to D—.
"I understood the real cause of this expedition, which,
notwithstanding his oaths and protestations of unabated love
and regard, I construed into a palpable mark of dislike and
disrespect; nor could the repeated assurances I received
from him in letters mitigate the anguish and mortification
that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopes of
recovering the happiness I had lost. I told him on the eve
of his departure, that he might exercise his gallantry a
great while, before he would meet with my fellow, in point
of sincerity and love; for I would rather have been a
servant in his house, with the privilege of seeing him, than
the queen of England debarred of that pleasure.
"When he took his leave, and went down-stairs, I shrunk
at every step he made, as if a new wound had been inflicted
upon me and when I heard the door shut behind him, my heart
died within me. I had the satisfaction to hear afterwards,
he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that he had
never been so happy since. I sat down to write a letter, in
which I forgave his indifference, because I knew the
affections are altogether involuntary, and wished him all
the happiness he deserved. I then walked up and down the
room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my
maid, rose at six, mounted my horse and rode forty miles, in
order to fatigue myself that I might next night enjoy some
repose. This exercise I daily underwent for months together;
and, when it did not answer my purpose, I used to walk round
Hyde-park in the evening, when the place was quite solitary
and unvisited by any other human creature.
"In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was
one day accosted by a very great man, who, after the first
salutation, asked whether or not my intercourse with S— was
at an end, and if I had any allowance from my husband. To
the first of these questions I replied in the affirmative;
and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me a
great deal; indeed, I might have truly said nothing at all;
but I was too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed
his wonder, how one like me, who had been used to splendour
and affluence from my cradle, could make shift to live in my
present narrow circumstances; and, when I told him that I
could make a very good shift, so I had peace, he seemed to
lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with
his wife at his house. I accepted the invitation, without
any apprehension of the consequence; and, when I went to the
place, was introduced into an apartment magnificently
lighted up, I suppose, for my reception.
"After I had stayed alone for some time in this
mysterious situation, without seeing a living soul, my
inviter appeared, and said, he hoped I would not take it
amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as he had
something to say, which could not be so properly
communicated before company or servants. I then, for the
first time, perceived his drift, to my no small surprise and
indignation; and, with evident marks of displeasure, told
him, I was sure he had nothing to propose that would be
agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately
leave the house. Upon which he gave me to understand, that I
could not possibly retire, because he had sent away my
chair, and all his servants were disposed to obey his
orders.
"Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an
insult, I answered, with an air of resolution, it was very
well; I despised his contrivance, and was afraid of nothing.
Seeing me thus alarmed, he assured me I had no reason to be
afraid; that he had loved me long, and could find no other
opportunity of declaring his passion. He said the Q— had
told him that Lord — had renewed his addresses to me; and,
as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with
S— was absolutely broke off, he thought himself as well
entitled as another to my regard. In conclusion, he told me
that I might command his purse, and that he had power enough
to bring me into the world again with eclat. To these
advances I replied, that he was very much mistaken in his
opinion of my character, if he imagined I was to be won by
any temptations of fortune; and very frankly declared, that
I would rather give myself to a footman, than sell myself to
a prince.
"Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would
neither eat nor drink anything, except a little bread and
water; for I was an odd whimsical girl, and it came into my
head, that he might perhaps have mixed something in the
victuals or wine, which would alter my way of thinking. In
short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, he
permitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, and
gave up his suit as a desperate cause.
"This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole
twelvemonth, without feeling the least abatement of my
melancholy. Finding myself worn to a skeleton, I resumed my
former resolution of trying to profit by change of place,
and actually went abroad, with no other attendant than my
woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention
was to have gone to the south of France, where I thought I
could have subsisted on the little I had left, which
amounted to five hundred pounds, until the issue of my
law-suit, by which I hoped to obtain some provision from my
lord; and, without all doubt, my expectation would have been
answered, had I put this my plan in execution; but, being at
Paris, from whence I proposed to set forward in a few days,
I sent to M. K—, who had been formerly intimate with my
father, and shown me many civilities during my first
residence in France.
"This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and, when I
made him acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as
an uncomfortable determination. He advised me to stay at
Paris, where, with good economy, I could live as cheap as in
any other place, and enjoy the conversation and countenance
of my friends, among which number he declared himself one of
the most faithful. He assured me, that I should be always
welcome to his table, and want for nothing. He promised to
recommend me as a lodger to a friend of his, with whom I
would live in a frugal and decent manner; and observed,
that, as the woman was well known and esteemed by all the
English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable
step I could take, considering my youth and situation, to
lodge with a creditable person, who could answer for my
conduct. Thus persuaded, I very simply followed his advice;
I say simply, because, notwithstanding his representations,
I soon found my money melt away, without any prospect of a
fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time
very agreeably in several English and some French families,
where, in a little time, I became quite intimate, saw a
great deal of company, and was treated with the utmost
politeness and regard; yet, in the midst of these pleasures,
many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance of my
beloved S—, whom, for several years, I could not recollect
without emotion; but time, company, amusements, and change
of place, in a great measure dissipated these ideas, and
enabled me to bear my fate with patience and resignation.
"On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a crowd
of professed admirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual
forms; but, besides that my heart was not in a condition to
contract new engagements, I was prepossessed against them
all, by supposing that they presumed upon the knowledge of
my indiscretion with S—; and therefore rejected their
addresses with detestation and disdain; for, as I have
already observed, I was not to be won but by the appearance
of esteem, and the most respectful carriage; and though, by
a false step, I had, in my own opinion, forfeited my title
to the one, I was resolved to discourage the advances of any
man who seemed deficient in the other.
"In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed,
almost as soon as they presented themselves, and I preserved
the independence of my heart, until I became acquainted with
a certain peer, whom I often saw at the house of Mrs. P—, an
English lady then resident at Paris. This young nobleman
professed himself deeply enamoured of me, in a style so
different from that of my other admirers, that I heard his
protestations without disgust; and, though my inclinations
were still free, could not find in my heart to
discountenance his addresses, which were preferred with the
most engaging modesty, disinterestedness, and respect.
"By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my
indifference, and gained the preference in my esteem from
Lord C— and the prince of C—, who were at that time his
rivals. But what contributed more than any consideration to
his success was his declaring openly, that he would marry me
without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a divorce from
my present husband, which, in all probability, might have
been easily procured; for, before I left England, Lord — had
offered me five thousand pounds if I would consent to such a
mutual release, that he might be at liberty to espouse one
Miss W—, of Kent, to whom he then made love upon honourable
terms; but I was fool enough to refuse his proposal, by the
advice of S—. And whether or not his lordship, finding it
impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love
upon another footing, I know not; but, certain it is, the
mother forbade him the house, a circumstance which he took
so heinously ill, that he appealed to the world in a public
advertisement, beginning with 'Whereas, for some time, I
have passionately loved Miss W—, and, upon my not complying
with the mother's proposals, they have turned me out of
doors, this is to justify,' etc.
"This declaration, signed with his name, was actually
printed in a number of detached advertisements, which he
ordered to be distributed to the public; and afterwards,
being convinced by some of his friends that he had done a
very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guinea apiece.
A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and I believe
my father has now one of the originals in his possession.
After this wise vindication of his conduct, he made an
attempt to carry off the lady from church by force of arms;
but she was rescued by the neighbours, headed by her
brother, who, being an attorney, had like to have made his
lordship smart severely for this exploit.
"Meanwhile my new admirer had made some progress in my
heart; and, my finances being exhausted, I was reduced to
the alternative of returning to Lord — again, or accepting
Earl B—'s love. When my affairs were brought to an issue, I
made no hesitation in my choice, putting myself under the
protection of a man of honour whom I esteemed, rather than
suffer every sort of mortification from a person who was the
object of my abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride,
I chose to live in Lord B—'s house, rather than be
maintained at his expense in another place. We spent several
months agreeably in balls and other diversions, visited Lord
B—, who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris,
and stayed some days at his house, where the entertainment
was, in all respects, delightful, elegant, and refined.
Their habitation was the rendezvous of the best company in
France; and Lady B— maintained the same superiority in her
own sex, for which her lord is so justly distinguished among
the men.
"About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a
little North Briton, who lived with Lord B— as his
companion, and did not at all approve of our correspondence;
whether out of real friendship for his patron, or
apprehension that in time I might supersede his own
influence with my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be
that as it will, the frost was so severe, that we were
detained ten days at Calais before we could get out of the
harbour; and, during that time, I reflected seriously on
what my new lover proposed. As he was very young, and
unacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have
escaped him; and therefore determined to give him a faithful
detail of the whole, that he might not have anything to
reproach me with in the sequel; besides, I did not think it
honest to engage him to do more for me than he might
afterwards perhaps think I was worth. Accordingly, I
communicated to him every particular of my life; and the
narration, far from altering his sentiments, rather
confirmed his good opinion, by exhibiting an undoubted proof
of my frankness and sincerity. In short, he behaved with
such generosity, as made an absolute conquest of my heart.
But my love was of a different kind from that which had
formerly reigned within my breast, being founded upon the
warmest gratitude and esteem, exclusive of any other
consideration, though his person was very agreeable, and his
address engaging.
"When we arrived in England, I went directly to his
country seat, about twelve miles from London, where he soon
joined me, and we lived some time in perfect retirement. His
relations being greatly alarmed with the apprehension that
Lord — would bring an action against him, though he himself
desired nothing more, and lived so easy under that
expectation, that they soon laid aside their fears on his
account.
"We were visited by Mr. H. B—, a relation of my lord, and
one Mr. R—, of the Guards, who, with the little Scotchman
and my lover, made an agreeable set, among whom I enjoyed
hunting, and all manner of country diversions. As to Mr. H.
B—, if ever there was perfection in one man, it centred in
him; or, at least, he, of all the men I ever knew,
approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived of
a perfect character. He was both good and great, possessed
an uncommon genius, and the best of hearts. Mr. R— was a
very sociable man, had a good person, and cultivated
understanding; and my lord was excessively good-humoured; so
that, with such companions, no place could be dull or
insipid. For my own part, I conducted the family; and, as I
endeavoured to please and make everybody happy, I had the
good fortune to succeed. Mr. B— told me, that before he saw
me, he heard I was a fool; but finding, as he was pleased to
say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courted
my friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us.
Indeed, it was impossible for any person to know him,
without entertaining the utmost esteem and veneration for
his virtue.
"After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat,
my husband began to make a bustle. He sent a message,
demanding me from Lord B—; then came in person, with his
nightcap in his pocket, intending to have stayed all night,
had he been asked, and attended by a relation, whom he
assured that I was very fond of him, and detained by force
from his arms. Finding himself disappointed in his
expectations, he commenced a law-suit against Lord B—,
though not for a divorce, as we desired, but with a view to
reclaim me as his lawful wife. His lawyers, however,
attempted to prove criminal conversation, in hopes of
extorting money from my lover. But their endeavours were
altogether fruitless; for no servant of Lord B—'s or mine
could with justice say we were ever seen to trespass against
modesty and decorum; so that the plaintiff was nonsuited.
While this cause was depending, all my lover's friends
expressed fear and concern for the issue, while he himself
behaved with the utmost resolution, and gave me such
convincing proofs of a strong and steady affection, as
augmented my gratitude, and riveted the ties of my love,
which was unblemished, faithful, and sincere.
"Soon after this event, I was seized with a violent fit
of illness, in which I was visited by my father, and
attended by two physicians, one of whom despaired of my
life, and took his leave accordingly; but Dr. S—, who was
the other, persisted in his attendance, and, in all human
appearance, saved my life; a circumstance by which he
acquired a great share of reputation. Yet, notwithstanding
all his assistance, I was confined to my bed for ten weeks;
during which Lord B—'s grief was immoderate, his care and
generosity unlimited. While I lay in this extremity, Mr. S—,
penetrated by my melancholy condition, which revived his
tenderness, begged leave to be admitted to my presence; and
Lord B— would have complied with his request, had I not been
judged too weak to bear the shock of such an interview. My
constitution, however, agreeably disappointed my fears; and
the fever had no sooner left me, than I was removed to a
hunting seat belonging to my lover, from whence, after I had
recovered my strength, we went to B— castle, where we kept
open house. And, while we remained at this place, Lord B—
received a letter from Lord —, dated in November,
challenging him to single combat in May, upon the frontiers
of France and Flanders. This defiance was sent in
consequence of what had passed between them long before my
indisposition, at a meeting in a certain tavern, where they
quarrelled, and in the fray, my lover threw his antagonist
under the table. I counselled him to take no notice of this
rhodomontade, which I knew was void of all intention of
performance; and he was wise enough to follow my advice,
resolved, however, should the message be repeated, to take
the challenger at his word.
"Having resided some time at this place, we returned to
the other country house which he had left, where Lord B—
addicted himself so much to hunting, and other male
diversions, that I began to think he neglected me, and
apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him, at the same
time, that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should be
confirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his
behaviour, which became so remarkably cold, that even Mr.
R—, who lived with us, imagined that his affection was
palpably diminished. When I went to town, I was usually
attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, or both, but
seldom favoured with his company; nay, when I repaired to
Bath, for the re-establishment of my health, he permitted me
to go alone; so that I was quite persuaded of his
indifference; and yet I was mistaken in my opinion. But I
had been spoiled by the behaviour of my first husband, and
Mr. S—, who never quitted me for the sake of any amusement,
and often resisted the calls of the most urgent business,
rather than part from me, though but for a few hours. I
thought every man who loved me truly would act in the same
manner; and, whether I am right or wrong in my conjectures,
I leave wiser casuists to judge. Certain it is, such
sacrifice and devotion is the most pleasing proof of an
admirer's passion; and, Voyez-moi plus souvent, et ne me
donnez rien, is one of my favourite maxims. A man may give
money, because he is profuse; he may be violently fond,
because he is of a sanguine constitution. But, if he gives
me his time, he gives me an unquestionable proof of my being
in full possession of his heart.
"My appearance at Bath, without the company of Lord B—,
occasioned a general surprise, and encouraged the men to
pester me with addresses, every new admirer endeavouring to
advance his suit by demonstrating the unkind and
disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. Indeed, this was
the most effectual string they could touch. My pride and
resentment were alarmed, I was weak enough to listen to one
man, who had like to have insinuated himself into my
inclinations. He was tall and large-boned, with white hair,
inclining to what is called sandy, and had the reputation of
being handsome, though I think he scarce deserved that
epithet. He possessed a large fortune, loved mischief, and
stuck at nothing for the accomplishment of his designs, one
of his chief pleasures being that of setting any two lovers
at variance. He employed his address upon me with great
assiduity, and knew so well how to manage my resentment,
that I was pleased with his manner, heard his vows without
disgust, and, in a word, promised to deliberate with myself
upon his proposals, and give him an account of my
determination in writing.
"Thus resolved, I went to Lord B—, in Wiltshire, whither
I was followed by this pretender to my heart, who visited us
on the footing of an acquaintance; but when I reflected on
what I had done, I condemned my own conduct as indiscreet,
though nothing decisive had passed between us, and began to
hate him in proportion to the self-conviction I felt,
perceiving that I had involved myself in a difficulty from
which I should not be easily disengaged. For the present,
however, I found means to postpone my declaration. He
admitted my excuse, and I returned to London with Lord B—,
who was again summoned to the field by his former
challenger.
"H—d—n, governor, counsellor, and steward to this little
hero, came to Lord B— with a verbal message, importing that
his lordship had changed his mind about going to Flanders,
but expected to meet him, on such a day and hour, in the
burying-ground near Red Lion-square. Lord B— accepted the
challenge, and gave me an account of what had passed; but he
had been anticipated by the messenger, who had already tried
to alarm my fears from the consideration of the consequence,
that I might take some measures to prevent their meeting. I
perceived his drift, and told him plainly, that Lord —— had
no intention to risk his person, though he endeavoured with
all his might to persuade me, that his principal was
desperate and determined. I knew my little husband too well
to think he would bring matters to any dangerous issue, and
was apprehensive of nothing but foul play, from the villainy
of H—d—n, with which I was equally well acquainted. Indeed,
I signified my doubts on that score to Mr. B—, who would
have attended his kinsman to the field, had he not thought
he might be liable to censure, if anything should happen to
Lord B—, because he himself was heir at law: for that reason
he judiciously declined being personally concerned; and we
pitched upon the earl of A—, his lordship's uncle, who
willingly undertook the office.
"At the appointed time they went to the house of
rendezvous, where they had not waited long when the
challenger appeared, in a new pink satin waistcoat, which he
had put on for the occasion, with his sword under his arm,
and his steward by him, leaving, in a hackney-coach at some
distance, a surgeon whom he had provided for the care of his
person. Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist, and
desired him to choose his ground; upon which Lord B— told
him, that if he must fall, it was not material which grave
he should tumble over.
"Our little hero, finding him so jocose and determined,
turned to Lord A—, and desired to speak with him, that he
might disburden his conscience before they should begin the
work of death. They accordingly went aside; and he gave him
to understand, that his motive for fighting, was Lord B—'s
detaining his wife from him by compulsion. The earl of A—
assured him, he was egregiously mistaken in his conjecture;
that his nephew used no force or undue influence to keep me
in his house; but it could not be expected that he would
turn me out of doors.
"This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord —,
who said he was far from being so unreasonable as to expect
Lord B— would commit such a breach of hospitality; and all
he desired was, that his wife should be left to her own
inclinations. Upon these articles, peace was concluded, and
they parted without bloodshed. At least these are the
particulars of the story, as they were related by Lord A—,
with whom I laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never
doubted that the challenger would find some expedient to
prevent the duel, though I wondered how he mustered up
resolution enough to carry it so far.
"That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we
resolved to go and enjoy ourselves in France, whither I went
by myself, in hopes of being soon joined by my lover, who
was obliged to stay some time longer in England, to settle
his affairs. He was so much affected at our parting, though
but for a few weeks, that he was almost distracted. And this
affliction renewed my tenderness for him, because it was an
undoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him every post from
France; and, as I had no secrets, desired him to take care
of all the letters that should come to his house, directed
to me, after my departure from England.
"This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution
of which he chanced to open a letter from Sir T— A—, with
whom, as I have already observed, I had some correspondence
at Bath. I had according to my promise, given this gentleman
a decisive answer, importing that I was determined to remain
in my present situation; but as Lord B— was ignorant of my
sentiments in that particular, and perceived from the letter
that something extraordinary had passed between us, and that
I was earnestly solicited to leave him, he was seized with
the utmost consternation and concern; and, having previously
obtained the king's leave to go abroad, set out that very
night for France, leaving his affairs in the greatest
confusion.
"Sir T— A— hearing I was gone, without understanding the
cause of my departure, took the same route, and both arrived
at Dover next day. They heard of each other's motions. Each
bribed the master of a packet-boat to transport him with
expedition; but that depending upon the wind, both reached
Calais at the same time, though in different vessels. Sir T—
sent his valet-de-chambre post, with a letter, entreating me
to accompany him into Italy, where he would make me mistress
of his whole fortune, and to set out directly for that
country, that he might not lose me by the arrival of Lord
B—, promising to join me on the road, if I would consent to
make him happy. I sent his messenger back with an answer,
wherein I expressed surprise at his proposals, after having
signified my resolution to him before I left England. He was
scarce dismissed, when I received another letter from Lord
B—, beseeching me to meet him at Clermont, upon the road
from Calais; and conjuring me to avoid the sight of his
rival, should he get the start of him in travelling. This,
however, was not likely to be the case, as Lord B— rode
post, and the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to
travel in a chaise; yet, that I might not increase his
anxiety, I left Paris immediately on the receipt of his
message, and met him at the appointed place, where he
received me with all the agitation of joy and fear, and
asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T— A— in his addresses. I
very candidly told him the whole transaction, at which he
was incensed; but his indignation was soon appeased, when I
professed my penitence, and assured him that I had totally
rejected his rival. Not that I approved of my behaviour to
Sir T—, who, I own, was ill-used in this affair; but surely
it was more excusable to halt here, than proceed farther in
my indiscretion.
"My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went
together to Paris, being attended by the Scotchman, whom I
have already mentioned, though I believe he was not over and
above well pleased to see matters thus amicably compromised.
The furious knight followed us to the capital; insisted on
seeing me in person; told this North Briton, that I was
actually engaged to him; wrote every hour, and railed at my
perfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious
transports, which were also disregarded by Lord B—, till,
one night, he was exasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C—,
who, I believe, inflamed his jealousy, by hinting a
suspicion that I was really in love with his rival. What
passed betwixt them I know not, but he sent for me from the
opera, by a physician of Paris, who was a sort of go-between
among us all, and who told me, that, if I did not come home
in the instant, a duel would be fought on my account.
"I was very much shocked at this information; but, by
being used to alarms from the behaviour of Lord —, I had
acquired a pretty good share of resolution, and with great
composure entered the room where Lord B— was, with his
companion, whom I immediately ordered to withdraw. I then
gave his lordship to understand, that I was informed of what
had passed, and thought myself so much injured by the person
who had just quitted the apartment, that I would no longer
live under the same roof with him. Lord B— raved like a
bedlamite, taxing me with want of candour and affection; but
I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him such
assurances of my love, that his jealousy subsided, and his
spirits were recomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his
dismissing Mr. C—, on pain of my leaving the house, as I
could not help thinking he had used his endeavours to
prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. If his conduct was
the result of friendship for his patron, he certainly acted
the part of an honest and trusty adherent. But I could not
easily forgive him, because, a few weeks before, he had, by
my interest, obtained a considerable addition to his
allowance; and even after the steps he had taken to
disoblige me, I was not so much his enemy but that I
prevailed upon Lord B— to double his salary, that his
leaving the family might be no detriment to his fortune. His
lordship having complied with my demand, this gentleman,
after having stayed three days in the house, to prepare for
his departure, during which I would not suffer him to be
admitted into my presence, made his retreat with a fine
young girl, who was my companion; and I have never seen him
since that time.
"Sir T— still continued furious, and would not take a
denial, except from my own mouth, upon which, with the
approbation of Lord B—, I indulged him with an interview. He
entered the apartment with a stern countenance, and told me
I had used him ill. I pleaded guilty to the charge, and
begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted to reason the
case with him, but he would hear no arguments except his
own, and even tried to intimidate me with threats; which
provoked me to such a degree, that I defied his vengeance. I
told him, that I feared nothing but the report of my own
conscience; that, though I had acted a simple part, he durst
not say there was anything criminal in my conduct, and that,
from his present frantic and unjust behaviour, I thought
myself happy in having escaped him. He swore I was the most
inflexible of all creatures; asked if nothing would move me;
and when I answered, "Nothing," took his leave, and never
after persecuted me with his addresses; though I have heard
he was vain and false enough to boast of favours, which,
upon my honour, he never received, as he himself, at one
time, owned to Dr. Cantwell, at Paris.
"While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon
my account, he was loved with the same violence of passion
by a certain Scotch lady of quality, who, when he followed
me to France, pursued him thither with the same eagerness
and expedition. Far from being jealous of me as a rival, she
used to come to my house, implore my good offices with the
object of her love, and, laying herself on the floor at full
length before the fire, weep and cry like a person bereft of
her senses. She bitterly complained that he had never
obliged her but once; and begged, with the most earnest
supplications, that I would give her an opportunity of
seeing him at my house. But I thought proper to avoid her
company, as soon as I perceived her intention.
"We continued at Paris for some time, during which I
contracted an acquaintance with the sister of Madame de la
T—. She was the supposed mistress of the prince of C—,
endowed with a great share of understanding, and loved
pleasure to excess, though she maintained her reputation on
a respectable footing, by living with her husband and
mother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover
with a passion, which gave me uneasiness on her account,
actually practised all her eloquence and art in persuading
me to listen to his love; for it was a maxim with her to
please him at any rate. I was shocked at her indelicate
complaisance, and rejected the proposal as repugnant to my
present engagement, which I held as sacred as any nuptial
tie, and much more binding than a forced or unnatural
marriage.
"Upon our return to England, we lived in great harmony
and peace, and nothing was wanting to my happiness, but the
one thing to me the most needful; I mean the enchanting
tenderness and delightful enthusiasm of love. Lord B—'s
heart, I believe, felt the soft impressions; and, for my own
part, I loved him with the most faithful affection. It is
not enough to say I wished him well; I had the most
delicate, the most genuine esteem for his virtue; I had an
intimate regard and anxiety for his interest; and felt for
him as if he had been my own son. But still there was a
vacancy in my heart; there was not that fervour, that
transport, that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly
known; my bosom was not filled with the little deity; I
could not help recalling to my remembrance the fond, the
ravishing moments I had passed with S—. Had I understood the
conditions of life, those pleasures were happily exchanged
for my present situation, because, if I was now deprived of
those rapturous enjoyments, I was also exempted from the
cares and anxiety that attended them; but I was generally
extravagant in my notions of happiness, and therefore
construed my present tranquility into an insipid languor and
stagnation of life.
"While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord
—, having received a very considerable addition to his
fortune, sent a message to me, promising, that if I would
leave Lord B—, he would make me a present of a house and
furniture, where I should live at my case, without being
exposed to his visits, except when I should be disposed to
receive them. This proposal he made in consequence of what I
had always declared, namely, that if he had not reduced me
to the necessity of putting myself under the protection of
some person or other, by depriving me of any other means of
subsistence, I should never have given the world the least
cause to scandalize my reputation; and that I would withdraw
myself from my present dependence, as soon as he should
enable me to live by myself. I was therefore resolved to be
as good as my word, and accepted his offer, on condition
that I should be wholly at my own disposal, and that he
should never enter my door but as a visitant or common
friend.
"These articles being ratified by his word and honour,
the value of which I did not then know, a house was
furnished according to my directions; and I signified my
intention to Lord B—, who consented to my removal, with this
proviso, that I should continue to see him. I wrote also to
his relation, Mr. B—, who, in his answer, observed, that it
was too late to advise, when I was actually determined. All
my friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, though
it was one of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken,
being a real act of ingratitude to my benefactor; which I
soon did, and always shall regret and condemn. So little is
the world qualified to judge of private affairs!
"When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B— became
gloomy and discontented, and even entreated me to postpone
my resolution; but I told him, that now everything was
prepared for my reception, I could not retract without
incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance. On the
very day of my departure, Mr. B— endeavoured, with all the
arguments he could suggest, to dissuade me from my purpose;
and I made use of the same answer which had satisfied his
friend. Finding me determined on removing, he burst out into
a flood of tears, exclaiming, "By God! if Lord B— can bear
it, I can't." I was thunderstruck at this expression; for
though I had been told that Mr. B— was in love with me, I
gave no credit to the report, because he had never declared
his passion, and this was the first hint of it that ever
escaped him in my hearing. I was therefore so much amazed at
the circumstance of this abrupt explanation, that I could
make no answer; but having taken my leave, went away,
ruminating on the unexpected declaration.
"Lord B—, as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole
night, and took my leaving him so much to heart, that two
years elapsed before he got the better of his grief. This
intelligence I afterwards received from his own mouth, and
asked his forgiveness for my unkind retreat, though I shall
never be able to obtain my own. As for Mr. B—, he was
overwhelmed with sorrow, and made such efforts to suppress
his concern, as had well nigh cost him his life. Dr. S— was
called to him in the middle of the night, and found him
almost suffocated. He soon guessed the cause, when he
understood that I had left the house. So that I myself was
the only person concerned, who was utterly ignorant of his
affection; for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least
reason to suspect it while I lived with his relation,
because he had too much honour to entertain a thought of
supplanting his friend, and too good an opinion of me to
believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. Though my
love for Lord B— was not so tender and interesting as the
passion I had felt for S—, my fidelity was inviolable, and I
never harboured the most distant thought of any other
person, till after I had resolved to leave him, when, I own,
I afforded some small encouragement to the addresses of a
new admirer by telling him, that I should, in a little time,
be my own mistress, though I was not now at my own disposal.
"I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was
accommodated with all sorts of conveniences; everything was
new, and therefore pleasing, and the whole absolutely at my
command. I had the company of a relation, a very good woman,
with whom I lived in the most amicable manner; was visited
by the best people in town—I mean those of the male sex, the
ladies having long ago forsaken me; I frequented all
reputable places of public entertainment, and had a concert
at home once a week; so that my days rolled on in happiness
and quiet, till all my sweets were embittered by the
vexatious behaviour of my husband, who began to importune me
again to live with him; and by the increasing anxiety of
Lord B—, who, though I still admitted his visits, plainly
perceived that I wanted to relinquish his correspondence.
This discovery raised such tempests of jealousy and despair
within his breast, that he kept me in continual alarm. He
sent messages to me every hour, signed his letters with his
own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness, railed at
my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offered
to sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom
forthwith, and live with me for ever in any part of the
world where I should choose to reside.
"These were generous and tempting proposals; but I was
beset with counsellors who were not totally disinterested,
and who dissuaded me from embracing the proffers of my
lover, on pretence that Lord — would be highly injured by my
compliance. I listened to their advice, and hardened my
heart against Lord B—'s sorrow and solicitations. My
behaviour on this occasion is altogether unaccountable; this
was the only time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The
condition of Lord B— would have melted any heart but mine,
and yet mine was one of the most sensible. He employed his
cousin as an advocate with me, till that gentleman actually
refused the office, telling him candidly, that his own
inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform
the task with fidelity and truth. He accordingly resolved to
avoid my presence, until my lord and I should come to some
final determination, which was greatly retarded by the
perseverance of his lordship, who would not resign his
hopes, even when I pretended that another man had engaged my
heart, but said, that in time my affection might return.
"Our correspondence, however, gradually wore off; upon
which Mr. B— renewed his visits, and many agreeable and
happy hours we passed together. Not that he, or any other
person whom I now saw, succeeded to the privilege of a
fortunate lover; I knew he loved me to madness; but I would
not gratify his passion any other way than by the most
profound esteem and veneration for his virtues, which were
altogether amiable and sublime; and I would here draw his
character minutely, but it would take up too much time to
set forth his merit; the only, man living of my acquaintance
who resembles him, is Lord F—, of whom I shall speak in the
sequel.
"About this time I underwent a very interesting change in
the situation of my heart. I had sent a message to my old
lover S—, desiring he would allow my picture, which was in
his possession, to be copied; and he now transmitted it to
me by my lawyer, whom he directed to ask, if I intended to
be at the next masquerade. This curiosity had a strange
effect upon my spirits; my heart fluttered at the question,
and my imagination glowed with a thousand fond presages. I
answered in the affirmative; and we met by accident at the
ball. I could nut behold him without emotion: when he
accosted me, his well-known voice made my heart vibrate,
like a musical chord, when its unison is struck. All the
ideas of our past love, which the lapse of time and absence
had enfeebled and lulled to sleep, now awoke, and were
reinspired by his appearance; so that his artful excuses
were easily admitted: I forgave him all that I had suffered
on his account, because he was the natural lord of my
affection; and our former correspondence was renewed.
"I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence
of this reconciliation, the rapture of which continued
unimpaired for the space of four months, during which time
he was fonder of me, if possible, than before; repeated his
promise of marriage, if we should ever have it in our power;
assured me he had never been happy since he left me: that he
believed no woman loved like me. And indeed, to have a
notion of my passion for that man, you must first have loved
as I did. But, through a strange caprice, I broke off the
correspondence, out of apprehension that he would forsake me
again. From his past conduct I dreaded what might happen;
and the remembrance of what I had undergone by his
inconstancy, filled my imagination with such horror, that I
could not endure the shocking prospect, and prematurely
plunged myself into the danger, rather than endure the
terrors of expectation. I remembered that his former
attachment began in the season of my prosperity, when my
fortune was in the zenith, and my youth in its prime; and
that he had forsaken me in the day of trouble when my life
became embarrassed, and my circumstances were on the
decline. I foresaw nothing but continual persecution from my
husband, and feared, that, once the keener transports of our
reconciliation should be over, his affection would sink
under the severity of its trial. In consequence of this
desertion, I received a letter from him, acknowledging that
he was rightly served, but that my retreat gave him
inexpressible concern.
"Meanwhile Lord — continued to act in the character of a
fiend, tormenting me with his nauseous importunities. He
prevailed upon the duke of L— to employ his influence in
persuading me to live with him; assuring his grace, that I
had actually promised to give him that proof of my
obedience, and that I would come home the sooner for being
pressed to compliance by a person of his rank and character.
Induced by these representations, the duke honoured me with
a visit; and, in the course of his exhortations, I
understood how he had been thus misinformed. Upon which I
sent for Lord —, and, in his presence, convicted him of the
falsehood, by communicating to his grace the articles of our
last agreement, which he did not think proper to deny; and
the duke, being undeceived, declared, that he would not have
given me the trouble of vindicating myself, had he not been
misled by the insincerity of my lord.
"Baffled in this attempt, he engaged Mr. H— V—, and
afterwards my own father, in the same task; and though I
still adhered to my first resolution, persisted with such
obstinacy in his endeavours to make me unhappy, that I
determined to leave the kingdom. Accordingly, after I had
spent the evening with him at Ranelagh, I went away about
two o'clock in the morning, leaving my companion, with
directions to restore to my lord his house, furniture,
plate, and everything he had given me since our last
accommodation; so far was I, upon this occasion, or at any
other time of my life, from embezzling any part of his
fortune. My friend followed my instructions most punctually:
and his lordship knows and will acknowledge the truth of
this assertion.
"Thus have I explained the true cause of my first
expedition to Flanders, whither the world was good-natured
enough to say, I followed Mr. B— and the whole army, which
happened to be sent abroad that summer. Before my departure,
I likewise transmitted to Lord B— the dressing plate, china,
and a very considerable settlement, of which he had been
generous enough to make me a present. This was an instance
of my integrity, which I thought due to a man who had laid
me under great obligations; and though I lived to be refused
a small sum both by him and S—, I do not repent of my
disinterested behaviour; all the revenge I harbour against
the last of these lovers, is the desire of having it in my
power to do him good.
"I now found myself adrift in the world again, and very
richly deserved the hardships of my condition, for my
indiscretion in leaving Lord B—, and in trusting to the word
of Lord — without some further security; but I have dearly
paid for my imprudence. The more I saw into the character of
this man, whom destiny hath appointed my scourge, the more
was I determined to avoid his fellowship and communication;
for he and I are, in point of disposition, as opposite as
any two principles in nature. In the first place, he is one
of the most unsocial beings that ever existed; when I was
pleased and happy, he was always out of temper; but if he
could find means to overcast and cloud my mirth, though
never so innocent, he then discovered signs of uncommon
satisfaction and content, because, by this disagreeable
temper, he banished all company from his house. He is
extremely weak of understanding, though he possesses a good
share of low cunning, which has so egregiously imposed upon
some people, that they have actually believed him a
good-natured easy creature, and blamed me because I did not
manage him to better purpose; but, upon further
acquaintance, they have always found him obstinate as a
mule, and capricious as a monkey. Not that he is utterly
void of all commendable qualities. He is punctual in paying
his debts, liberal when in good humour, and would be
well-bred, were he not subject to fits of absence, during
which he is altogether unconversable; but he is proud,
naturally suspicious, jealous, equally with and without
cause, never made a friend, and is an utter stranger to the
joys of intimacy; in short, he hangs like a damp upon
society, and may be properly called Kill-joy, an epithet
which he has justly acquired. He honoured me with constant
professions of love; but his conduct is so opposite to my
sentiments of that passion, as to have been the prime source
of all my misfortunes and affliction; and I have often
wished myself the object of his hate, in hopes of profiting
by a change in his behaviour.
"Indeed, he has not been able to make me more unhappy
than I believe he is in his own mind; for he is literally a
self-tormentor, who never enjoyed one gleam of satisfaction
except at the expense of another's quiet; and yet with this,
I had almost called it diabolical quality, he expects that I
should cherish him with all the tenderness of affection.
After he has been at pains to incur my aversion, he punishes
my disgust, by contriving schemes to mortify and perplex me,
which have often succeeded so effectually, as to endanger my
life and constitution; for I have been fretted and frighted
into sundry fits of illness, and then I own I have
experienced his care and concern.
"Over and above the oddities I have mentioned, he is so
unsteady in his economy, that he is always new-modelling his
affairs, and exhausting his fortune, by laying out ten
pounds, in order to save a shilling. He inquires into the
character of a servant, after he has lived two years in his
family, and is so ridiculously stocked with vanity and
self-conceit, that, notwithstanding my assurance before, and
the whole series of my conduct since our marriage, which
ought to have convinced him of my dislike, he is still
persuaded, that, at bottom, I must admire and be enamoured
of his agreeable person and accomplishments, and that I
would not fail to manifest my love, were I not spirited
against him by his own relations. Perhaps it might be their
interest to foment the misunderstanding betwixt us; but
really they give themselves no trouble about our affairs;
and, so far as I know them, are a very good sort of people.
On the whole, I think I may with justice pronounce my
precious yoke-fellow a trifling, teasing, insufferable,
inconsistent creature.
"With the little money which remained of what I had
received from his lordship for house-keeping, I transported
myself to Flanders, and arrived in Ghent a few days after
our troops were quartered in that city, which was so much
crowded with these new visitants, that I should have found
it impracticable to procure a lodging, had I not been
accommodated by Lord B—, the duke of A—'s youngest brother,
who very politely gave me up his own. Here I saw my friend
Mr. B—, who was overjoyed at my arrival, though jealous of
every man of his acquaintance; for he loved me with all the
ardour of passion, and I regarded him with all the
perfection of friendship, which, had he lived, in time might
have produced love; though that was a fruit which it never
brought forth. Notwithstanding his earnest solicitations to
the contrary, I stayed but a week in Ghent, from whence I
proceeded to Brussels, and fixed my abode in the Hotel de
Flandre, among an agreeable set of gentlemen and ladies,
with whom I spent my time very cheerfully. There was a sort
of court in this city, frequented by all the officers who
could obtain permission to go thither; and the place in
general was gay and agreeable. I was introduced to the best
families, and very happy in my acquaintance; for the ladies
were polite, good-tempered, and obliging, and treated me
with the utmost hospitality and respect. Among others, I
contracted a friendship with Madame la comtesse de C— and
her two daughters, who were very amiable young ladies; and
became intimate with the Princess C— and Countess W—, lady
of the bedchamber to the queen of Hungary, and a great
favourite of the governor, Monsieur d'H—, in whose house she
lived with his wife, who was also a lady of a very engaging
disposition.
"Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels, the
company at our hotel was increased by three officers, who
professed themselves my admirers, and came from Ghent, with
a view of soliciting my love. This triumvirate consisted of
the Scotch earl of —, Lord R-M—, and another young officer.
The first was a man of a very genteel figure and amorous
complexion, danced well, and had a great deal of
good-humour, with a mixture of vanity and self-conceit. The
second had a good face, though a clumsy person, and a very
sweet disposition, very much adapted for the sentimental
passion of love. And the third, Mr. W— by name, was tall,
thin, and well-bred, with a great stock of good-nature and
vivacity. These adventurers began their addresses in general
acts of gallantry, that comprehended several of my female
friends, with whom we used to engage in parties of pleasure,
both in the city and the environs, which are extremely
agreeable. When they thought they had taken the preliminary
steps of securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem,
they agreed to go on without further delay, and that Lord —
should make the first attack upon my heart.
"He accordingly laid siege to me, with such warmth and
assiduity, that I believe he deceived himself, and began to
think he was actually in love; though, at bottom, he felt no
impulse that deserved the sacred name. Though I discouraged
him in the beginning, he persecuted me with his addresses;
he always sat by me at dinner, and imparted a thousand
trifles in continual whispers, which attracted the notice of
the company so much, that I began to fear his behaviour
would give rise to some report to my prejudice, and
therefore avoided him with the utmost caution.
Notwithstanding all my care, however, he found means one
night, while my maid, who lay in my room, went downstairs,
to get into my chamber after I was abed. Upon which, I
started up, and told him, that, if he should approach me, I
would alarm the house; for I never wanted courage and
resolution. Perceiving my displeasure, he kneeled by the
bedside, begged I would have pity on his sufferings, and
swore I should have carte blanche to the utmost extent of
his fortune. To these proposals I made no other reply, but
that of protesting I would never speak to him again, if he
did not quit my apartment that moment; upon which he thought
proper to withdraw; and I never afterwards gave him an
opportunity of speaking to me on the same subject. So that,
in a few weeks, he separated himself from our society;
though the ladies of Brussels considered him as my lover,
because, of all the other officers, he was their greatest
favourite.
"His lordship being thus repulsed, Mr. W— took the field,
and assailed my heart in a very different manner. He said he
knew not how to make love, but was a man of honour, and
would keep the secret, and so forth. To this cavalier
address I answered, that I was not angry as I otherwise
should have been, at his blunt declaration, because I found
by his own confession, he did not know what was due to the
sex; and my unhappy situation in some shape excused him for
a liberty which he would not have dreamed of taking, had not
my misfortunes encouraged his presumption. But I would deal
with him in his own way; and, far from assuming the prude,
frankly assured him, that he was not at all to my taste,
hoping he would consider my dislike as a sufficient reason
to reject his love.
"Lord R— began to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion,
which he carefully cherished in silence, being naturally
diffident and bashful; but, by the very means he used to
conceal it from my observation, I plainly discerned the
situation of his heart, and was not at all displeased at the
progress I had made in his inclinations. Meanwhile he
cultivated my acquaintance with great assiduity and respect,
attended me in all my excursions, and particularly in an
expedition to Antwerp, with two other gentlemen, where, in
downright gaiete de coeur, we sat for our pictures, which
were drawn in one piece, one of the party being represented
in the dress of a hussar, and another in that of a running
footman. This incident I mention, because the performance,
which is now in my possession, gave birth to a thousand
groundless reports circulated in England at our expense.
"It was immediately after this jaunt that Lord R— began
to disclose his passion; though he, at the same time,
started such objections as seemed to extinguish his hopes,
lamenting that, even if he should have the happiness to
engage my affections, his fortune was too inconsiderable to
support us against the efforts of Lord —, should he attempt
to interrupt our felicity, and that he himself was obliged
to follow the motions of the army. In short, he seemed to
consider my felicity more than his own, and behaved with
such delicacy, as gradually made an impression on my heart,
so that, when we parted, we agreed to renew our
correspondence in England.
"In the midst of these agreeable amusements, which I
enjoyed in almost all the different towns of Flanders, I
happened to be at Ghent one day, sitting among a good deal
of company, in one of their hotels, when a post-chaise
stopped at the gate; upon which we went to the windows to
satisfy our curiosity, when who should step out of the
convenience, but my little insignificant lord! I no sooner
announced him to the company, than all the gentlemen asked
whether they should stay and protect me, or withdraw; and
when I assured them that their protection was not necessary,
one and all of them retired; though Lord R— M— went no
farther than the parlour below, being determined to screen
me against all violence and compulsion. I sent a message to
my lord, desiring him to walk up into my apartment; but
although his sole errand was to see and carry me off, he
would not venture to accept of my invitation, till he had
demanded me in form from the governor of the place. That
gentleman, being altogether a stranger to his person and
character, referred him to the commanding officer of the
English troops, who was a man of honour, and, upon his
lordship's application, pretended to doubt his identity;
observing, that he had always heard Lord — represented as a
jolly, corpulent man. He gave him to understand, however,
that even granting him to be the person, I was by no means
subject to military law, unless he could prove that I had
ever listed in his Majesty's service.
"Thus disappointed in his endeavours, he returned to the
inn, and, with much persuasion, trusted himself in my
dining-room, after having stationed his attendants at the
door, in case of accidents. When I asked what had procured
me the honour of this visit, he told me, his business and
intention were to carry me home. This declaration produced a
conference, in which I argued the case with him; and matters
were accommodated for the present, by my promising to be in
England some time in September, on condition that he would
permit me to live by myself, as before, and immediately
order the arrears of my pin-money to be paid. He assented to
everything I proposed, returned in peace to his own country,
and the deficiencies of my allowance were made good; while I
returned to Brussels, where I stayed until my departure for
England, which I regulated in such a manner as was
consistent with my engagement.
"I took lodgings in Pall-mall, and, sending for my lord,
convinced him of my punctuality, and put him in mind of his
promise, when, to my utter astonishment and confusion, he
owned, that his promise was no more than a decoy to bring me
over, and that I must lay my account with living in his
house like a dutiful and obedient wife. I heard him with the
indignation such treatment deserved, upbraiding him with his
perfidious dealing, which I told him would have determined
me against cohabitation with him had I not been already
resolved; and, being destitute of all resource, repaired to
Bath, where I afterwards met with Mr. D— and Mr. R—, two
gentlemen who had been my fellow-passengers in the yacht
from Flanders, and treated me with great friendship and
politeness, without either talking or thinking of love.
"With these gentlemen, who were as idle as myself, I went
to the jubilee at Preston, which was no other than a great
number of people assembled in a small town, extremely
ill-accommodated, to partake of diversions that were bad
imitations of plays, concerts, and masquerades. If the world
should place to the account of my indiscretion my travelling
in this manner with gentlemen to whom I had no particular
attachment, let it also be considered, as an alleviation,
that I always lived in terror of my lord, and consequently
was often obliged to shift my quarters; so that, my finances
being extremely slender, I stood the more in need of
assistance and protection. I was, besides, young,
inconsiderate, and so simple, as to suppose the figure of an
ugly man would always secure me from censure on his account;
neither did I ever dream of any man's addresses, until he
made an actual declaration of his love.
"Upon my return to Bath, I was again harassed by Lord —,
who came thither accompanied by my father, whom I was very
glad to see, though he importuned me to comply with my
husband's desire, and for the future keep measures with the
world. This remonstrance about living with my lord, which he
constantly repeated, was the only instance of his unkindness
which I ever felt. But all his admonitions were not of force
sufficient to shake my resolution in that particular; though
the debate continued so late, that I told his lordship, it
was high time to retire, for I could not accommodate him
with a bed. He then gave me to understand, that he would
stay where he was; upon which my father took his leave, on
pretence of looking out for a lodging for himself. The
little gentleman being now left with me, began to discover
some signs of apprehension in his looks; but, mustering up
all his resolution, he went to the door, called up three of
his servants, whom he placed as sentinels upon the stairs,
and flounced into my elbow-chair, where he resigned himself
to rest. Intending to go to bed, I thought it was but just
and decent that I should screen myself from the intrusion of
his footmen, and with that view bolted the door. Lord —,
hearing himself locked in, started up in the utmost terror
and consternation, kicked the door with his heel, and
screamed aloud, as if he had been in the hands of an
assassin. My father, who had not yet quitted the house,
hearing these outcries, ran upstairs again, and, coming
through my bedchamber into the dining-room where we were,
found me almost suffocated with laughter, and his heroic
son-in-law staring like one who had lost his wits, with his
hair standing on end.
"When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations, he
told him, with all the symptoms of dismay, that I had locked
him in, and he did not understand such usage. But I
explained the whole mystery, by saying, I had bolted the
door because I did not like the company of his servants, and
could not imagine the cause of his panic, unless he thought
I designed to ravish him; an insult than which nothing was
farther from my intention. My father himself could scarce
refrain from laughing at his ridiculous fear; but, seeing
him in great confusion, took pity on his condition, and
carried him off to his own lodgings, after I had given my
word that I would not attempt to escape, but give him
audience next morning. I accordingly kept my promise, and
found means to persuade them to leave me at my own
discretion. Next day I was rallied upon the stratagem I had
contrived to frighten Lord —; and a thousand idle stories
were told about this adventure, which happened literally as
I have related it.
"From Bath I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln,
which I had hired of the d— of A—, because a country life
suited best with my income, which was no more than four
hundred pounds a year, and that not well paid. I continued
some months in this retirement, and saw no company, except
Lord R— M—, who lived in the neighbourhood, and visited me
twice; till, finding myself indisposed, I was obliged to
remove to London, and took lodgings in Maddox-street, where
my garrison was taken by storm by my Lord — and his steward,
reinforced by Mr. L— V— (who, as my lord told me, had a
subsidy of five-and-twenty pounds before he would take the
field) and a couple of hardy footmen. This formidable band
rushed into my apartment, laid violent hands upon me,
dragged me down-stairs without gloves or a cloak, and,
thrusting me into a coach that stood at the door, conveyed
me to my lord's lodgings in Gloucester-street. Upon this
occasion, his lordship courageously drew his sword upon my
woman, who attempted to defend me from his insults, and, in
all probability, would have intimidated him from proceeding;
for he looked pale and aghast, his knees knocked together,
and he breathed thick and hard, with his nostrils dilated,
as if he had seen a ghost; but he was encouraged by his
mercenary associate, who, for the five-and-twenty pounds,
stood by him in the day of trouble, and spirited him on to
this gallant enterprise.
"In consequence of this exploit, I was cooped up in a
paltry apartment in Gloucester-street, where I was close
beset by his lordship and his worthy steward Mr. H—, with a
set of servants that were the creatures of this fellow, of
whom my lord himself stood in awe, so that I could not help
thinking myself in Newgate, among thieves and ruffians. To
such a degree did my terror avail, that I actually believed
I was in danger of being poisoned, and would not receive any
sustenance, except from the hands of one harmless-looking
fellow, a foreigner, who, was my lord's valet-de-chambre. I
will not pretend to say my fears were just; but such was my
opinion of H—, that I never doubted he would put me out of
the way, if he thought my life interfered with his interest.
On the second day of my imprisonment, I was visited by the
duke of L—, a friend of my lord, who found me sitting upon a
trunk, in a poor little diningroom filled with lumber, and
lighted with two bits of tallow candle, which had been left
overnight. He perceived in my face a mixture of rage,
indignation, terror, and despair. He compassionated my
sufferings, though he could not alleviate my distress any
other way than by interceding with my tyrant to mitigate my
oppression. Nevertheless, I remained eleven days in this
uncomfortable situation: I was watched like a criminal all
day, and one of the servants walked from one room to another
all night, in the nature of a patrol; while my lord, who lay
in the chamber above me, got out of bed and tripped to the
window at the sound of every coach that chanced to pass
through the street. H—, who was consummate in the arts of a
sycophant, began to court my favour, by condoling my
affliction, and assuring me, that the only method by which I
could regain my liberty was a cheerful compliance with the
humour of my lord. I was fully convinced of the truth of
this observation; and, though my temper is altogether averse
to dissimulation, attempted to affect an air of serenity and
resignation. But this disguise, I found, would not answer my
purpose; and therefore I had recourse to the assistance of
my maid, who was permitted to attend me in my confinement.
With her I frequently consulted about the means of
accomplishing my escape. In consequence of our
deliberations, she directed a coach and six to be ready at a
certain part of the town, and to wait for me three days in
the same place, in case I could not come before the
expiration of that term.
"This previous measure being taken according to my
instructions, the next necessary step was to elude the
vigilance of my guard: and in this manner did I effectuate
my purpose. Being by this time indulged in the liberty of
going out in the coach for the benefit of the air, attended
by two footmen, who had orders to watch all my motions, I
made use of this privilege one forenoon, when Lord —
expected some company to dinner, and bade the coachman drive
to the lodgings of a man who wrote with his mouth, intending
to give my spies the slip, on pretence of seeing this
curiosity; but they were too alert in their duty to be thus
outwitted, and followed me up-stairs into the very
apartment.
"Disappointed in this hope, I resolved another scheme,
which was attended with success. I bought some olives at an
oil-shop; and, telling the servants I would proceed to St.
James's-gate, and take a turn in the park, broke one of the
bottles by the way, complained of the misfortune when I was
set down, and desired my coach might be cleaned before my
return. While my attendants were employed in this office, I
tripped across the Parade to the Horse Guards, and chanced
to meet with an acquaintance in the park, who said, he saw
by my countenance that I was upon some expedition. I owned
his suspicion was just, but, as I had not time to relate
particulars, I quickened my pace, and took possession of a
hackney-coach, in which I proceeded to the vehicle I had
appointed to be in waiting.
"While I thus compassed my escape, there was nothing but
perplexity and confusion at home; dinner was delayed till
six o'clock; my lord ran half the town over in quest of his
equipage, which at last returned, with an account of my
elopement. My maid was brought to the question, and
grievously threatened; but, like all the women I ever had,
remained unshaken in her fidelity. In the meantime, I
travelled night and day towards my retreat in Lincolnshire,
of which his lordship had not, as yet, got the least
intelligence; and as my coachman was but an inexperienced
driver, I was obliged to make use of my own skill in that
exercise, and direct his endeavours the whole way, without
venturing to go to bed, or take the least repose, until I
reached my own habitation. There I lived in peace and
tranquility for the space of six weeks, when I was alarmed
by one of my lord's myrmidons, who came into the
neighbourhood, blustering and swearing that he would carry
me off either dead or alive.
"It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when
I was made acquainted with his purpose and declaration, as
my whole family consisted of no more than a couple of women
and one footman. However, I summoned up my courage, which
had been often tried, and never forsook me in the day of
danger; and sent him word, that, if ever he should presume
to approach my house, I would order him to be shot without
ceremony. The fellow did not choose to put me to the trial,
and returned to town without his errand: but as the place of
my abode was now discovered, I laid my account with having a
visit from his employer; I therefore planted spies upon the
road, with a promise of reward to him who should bring me
the first intelligence of his lordship's approach.
"Accordingly, I was one morning apprised of his coming,
and, mounting horse immediately, with my woman and valet,
away we rode, in defiance of winter. In two days I traversed
the wilds of Lincolnshire and hundreds of Essex, crossed the
river at Tilbury, breakfasted at Chatham, by the help of a
guide and moonlight arrived at Dover the same evening,
embarked for Calais, in which place I found myself next day
at two o'clock in the afternoon; and being heartily tired
with my journey, betook myself to rest. My maid, who was not
able to travel with such expedition, followed me at an
easier pace; and the footman was so astonished at my
perseverance, that he could not help asking me upon the
road, if ever I was weary in my life. Certain it is, my
spirits and resolution have enabled me to undergo fatigues
that are almost incredible. From Calais I went to Brussels,
where I again set up my rest in private lodgings; was again
perfectly well received by the fashionable people of that
place; and, by the interest of my friends, obtained the
queen of Hungary's protection against the persecution of my
husband, while I should reside in the Austrian Netherlands.
Thus secured, I lived uncensured, conversing with the
English company, with which this city was crowded; but spent
the most agreeable part of my time with the countess of
Calemberg, in whose house I generally dined and supped. And
I also contracted an intimacy with the princess of Chemay,
who was a great favourite with Madame d'Harrach, the
governor's lady.
"I had not been long in this happy situation, when I was
disturbed by the arrival of Lord —, who demanded me of the
governor; but finding me sheltered from his power, he set
out for Vienna; and, in consequence of his representations,
strengthened with the duke of N—'s name, my protection was
withdrawn. But, before this application, he had gone to the
camp, and addressed himself to my Lord Stair, who was my
particular friend and ally by my first marriage, desiring he
would compel me to return to his house. His lordship told
him, that I was in no shape subject to his command; but
invited him to dinner, with a view of diverting himself and
company at the expense of his guest. In the evening, he was
plied with so many bumpers to my health, that he became
intoxicated, and extremely obstreperous, insisted upon
seeing Lord Stair after he was retired to rest, and
quarrelled with Lord D—, who being a tall, large, raw-boned
Scotchman, could have swallowed him at one mouthful; but he
thought he might venture to challenge him, in hopes of being
put under arrest by the general. Though he reckoned without
his host; Lord Stair knew his disposition, and, in order to
punish his presumption, winked at the affair. The
challenger, finding himself mistaken in his conjecture, got
up early in the morning, and went off post for Vienna. And
Lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to make me a
visit, and give me an account of his behaviour.
"Being now deprived of my protection and pin-money, which
my generous husband would no longer pay, I was reduced to
great difficulty and distress. The duchess d'Aremberg, Lord
G—, and many other persons of distinction, interceded in my
behalf with his Majesty, who was then abroad; but he refused
to interpose between man and wife. The countess of Calemberg
wrote a letter to my father, in which she represented my
uncomfortable situation, and undertook to answer for my
conduct, in case he would allow me a small annuity, on which
I could live independent of Lord —, who, by all accounts,
was a wretch with whom I could never enjoy the least
happiness or quiet, otherwise she would be the first to
advise me to an accommodation. She gave him to understand,
that her character was neither doubtful nor obscure; and
that, if my conduct there had not been irreproachable, she
should not have taken me under her protection. That, as I
proposed to board in a convent, a small sum would answer my
occasions; but, if that should be denied, I would actually
go to service, or take some other desperate step, to avoid
the man who was my bane and aversion.
"To this kind remonstrance my father answered that his
fortune would not allow him to assist me; he had now a young
family; and that I ought, at all events, to return to my
husband. By this time, such was the extremity of my
circumstances, that I was forced to pawn my clothes, and
every trifling trinket in my possession, and even to descend
so far as to solicit Mr. S— for a loan of fifty pounds,
which he refused. Thus was I deserted in my distress by two
persons, to whom, in the season of my affluence, my purse
had been always open. Nothing so effectually subdues a
spirit unused to supplicate, as want. Repulsed in this
manner, I had recourse to Lord B—, who was also, it seems,
unable to relieve my necessities. This mortification I
deserved at his hands, though he had once put it in my power
to be above all such paltry applications; and I should not
have been compelled to the disagreeable task of troubling my
friends, had not I voluntarily resigned what he formerly
gave me. As to the other gentleman to whom I addressed
myself on this occasion, I think he might have shown more
regard to my situation, not only for the reasons already
mentioned, but because he knew me too well to be ignorant of
what I must have suffered in condescending to make such a
request.
"Several officers, who guessed my adversity, generously
offered to supply me with money; but I could not bring
myself to make use of their friendship, or even to own my
distress, except to one person, of whom I borrowed a small
sum. To crown my misfortunes, I was taken very ill, at a
time when there was no other way of avoiding the clutches of
my persecutor but by a precipitate flight. In this
emergency, I applied to a worthy gentleman of Brussels, a
very good friend of mine, but no lover. I say no lover,
because every man is supposed to act in that capacity who
befriends a young woman in distress. This generous Fleming
set out with me in the night from Brussels, and conducted me
to the frontier of France. Being very much indisposed both
in mind and body when I was obliged to undertake this
expedition, I should in all probability have sunk under the
fatigue of travelling, had not my spirits been kept up by
the conversation of my companion, who was a man of business
and consequence, and undertook to manage my affairs in such
a manner as would enable me to re-establish my residence in
the place I had left. He was young and active, attended me
with the utmost care and assiduity, and left nothing undone
which he thought would contribute to my ease and
satisfaction. I believe his friendship for me was a little
tinctured with another passion; but he was married, and
lived very well with his wife, who was also my friend; so
that he knew I would never think of him in the light of a
lover.
"Upon our arrival at Valenciennes, he accommodated me
with a little money, for a little was all I would take, and
returned to his own city, after we had settled a
correspondence by letters. I was detained a day or two in
this place by my indisposition, which increased; but,
nevertheless, proceeded to Paris, to make interest for a
protection from the king of France, which that monarch
graciously accorded me, in three days after my first
application, and his minister sent orders to all the
governors and intendants of the province towns, to protect
me against the efforts of Lord ——, in whatever place I
should choose to reside.
"Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour,
and tarried a few days at Paris, which was a place
altogether unsuitable to the low ebb of my fortune, I
repaired to Lisle, where I intended to fix my habitation;
and there my disorder recurred with such violence, that I
was obliged to send for a physician, who seemed to have been
a disciple of Sangrado; for he scarce left a drop of blood
in my body, and yet I found myself never a whit the better.
Indeed, I was so much exhausted by these evacuations, and my
constitution so much impaired by fatigue and perturbation of
mind, that I had no other hope of recovering but that of
reaching England, and putting myself under the direction of
a physician on whose ability I could depend.
"With this doubtful prospect, therefore, I determined to
attempt a return to my native air, and actually departed
from Lisle, in such a melancholy, enfeebled condition, that
I had almost fainted when I was put into the coach. But
before I resolved upon this journey, I was reduced to the
utmost exigence of fortune, so that I could scarce afford to
buy provisions, had it been in my power to eat, and should
not have been able to defray my travelling expenses, had I
not been generously befriended by Lord R— H—, who, I am
sure, would have done anything for my case and
accommodation, though he has unjustly incurred the
imputation of being parsimonious, and I had no reason to
expect any such favour at his hands.
"In this deplorable state of health I was conveyed to
Calais, being all the way, as it were, in the arms of death,
without having swallowed the least sustenance on the road.
So much was my indisposition augmented by the fatigue of the
journey, that I swooned when I was brought into the inn, and
had almost expired before I could receive the least
assistance or advice. However, my spirits were a little
revived by some bread and wine, which I took at the
persuasion of a French surgeon, who, chancing to pass by the
door, was called up to my relief. Having sent my servant to
Brussels, to take care of my clothes, I embarked in the
packet-boat, and by the time we arrived at Dover was almost
in extremity.
"Here I found a return coach, in which I was carried to
London, and was put to bed at the house we put up at, more
dead than alive. The people of the inn sent for an
apothecary, who administered some cordial that recalled me
to life; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told him
who I was, and desired him to wait upon Dr. S—, and inform
him of my situation. A young girl, who was niece to the
landlord's wife, seeing me unattended, made a tender of her
service to me, and I accepted the offer, as well as of a
lodging in the apothecary's house, to which I was conveyed
as soon as my strength would admit of my removal. There I
was visited by my physician, who was shocked to find me in
such a dangerous condition. However, having considered my
case, he perceived that my indisposition proceeded from the
calamities I had undergone, and encouraged me with the hope
of a speedy cure, provided I could be kept easy and
undisturbed. I was accordingly attended with all imaginable
care; my lord's name being never mentioned in my hearing,
because I considered him as the fatal source of all my
misfortunes; and in a month I recovered my health, by the
great skill and tenderness of my doctor, who now finding me
strong enough to encounter fresh troubles, endeavoured to
persuade me, that it would be my wisest step to return to my
husband, whom at that time he had often occasion to see. But
I rejected his proposal, commencing a new lawsuit for
separation, and took a small house in St. James's-square.
"About this time my woman returned from Brussels, but
without my clothes, which were detained on account of the
money I owed in that place; and, asking her dismission from
my service, set up shop for herself. I had not lived many
weeks in my new habitation, when my persecutor renewed his
attempts to make himself master of my person; but I had
learned from experience to redouble my vigilance, and he was
frustrated in all his endeavours. I was again happy in the
conversation of my former acquaintance, and visited by a
great number of gentlemen, mostly persons of probity and
sense, who cultivated my friendship, without any other
motive of attachment. Not that I was unsolicited on the
article of love. That was a theme on which I never wanted
orators; and could I have prevailed upon myself to profit by
the advances that were made, I might have managed my
opportunities so as to have set fortune at defiance for the
future. But I was none of these economists who can sacrifice
their hearts to interested considerations.
"One evening, while I was conversing with three or four
of my friends, my lawyer came in, and told me he had
something of consequence to impart; upon which all the
gentlemen but one went away. Then he gave me to understand,
that my suit would immediately come to trial; and, though he
hoped the best, the issue was uncertain. That, if it should
be given against me, the decision would inspire my lord with
fresh spirits to disturb my peace, and, therefore, it would
be convenient for me to retire, until the affair should be
brought to a determination.
"I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence; and
the gentleman who stayed, perceiving my concern, asked what
I intended to do, or if he could serve me in any shape, and
desired to know whither I proposed to retreat. I affected to
laugh, and answered, "To a garret, I believe." To this
overstrained reasoning he replied, that if I should, his
friendship and regard would find the way to my apartment;
and I had no reason to doubt the sincerity of his
declaration. We consulted about the measures I should take,
and I determined to remove into the country, where I was
soon favoured with a letter from him, wherein he expressed
the infinite pleasure he had in being able to assure me that
my suit had been successful, and that I might appear again
with great safety.
"Accordingly, I returned to town in his coach and six,
which he had sent for my convenience, and the same evening
went with him to the masquerade, where we passed the night
very agreeably, his spirits, as well as mine, being elevated
to a joyous pitch by the happy event of my process. This
gentleman was a person of great honour, worth, and
good-nature; he loved me extremely, but did not care that I
should know the extent of his passion. On the contrary, he
endeavoured to persuade me, he had laid it down as a maxim,
that no woman should ever have power enough over his heart
to give him the least pain or disquiet. In short, he had
made a progress in my affection, and to his generosity was I
indebted for my subsistence two whole years; during which,
he was continually professing this philosophic indifference,
while, at the same time, he was giving me daily assurances
of his friendship and esteem, and treated me with incessant
marks of the most passionate love; so that I concluded his
intention was cold, though his temper was warm. Considering
myself as an encumbrance upon his fortune, I redoubled my
endeavours to obtain a separate maintenance from my lord,
and removed from St. James's-square to lodgings at
Kensington, where I had not long enjoyed myself in
tranquility, before I was interrupted by a very unexpected
visit.
"While I was busy one day dressing in my dining-room, I
found his lordship at my elbow before I was aware of his
approach, although his coach was at the door, and the house
already in the possession of his servants. He accosted me in
the usual style, as if we had parted the night before; and I
answered him with an appearance of the same careless
familiarity, desiring him to sit down, while I retreated to
my chamber, locked the door, and fairly went to bed; being
perhaps the first woman who went thither for protection from
the insults of a man. Here, then. I immured myself with my
faithful Abigail. My lord finding me secured, knocked at the
door, and through the keyhole begged to be admitted,
assuring me that all he wanted was a conference. I desired
to be excused, though I believed his assurance; but I had no
inclination to converse with him, because I knew from
experience the nature of his conversation, which was so
disagreeable and tormenting, that I would have exchanged it
at any time for a good beating, and thought myself a gainer
by the bargain. However, he persisted in his importunities
to such a degree, that I assented to his proposal, on
condition that the duke of L— should be present at the
interview: and he immediately sent a message for his grace,
while I, in peace, ate my breakfast, conveyed in a basket,
which was hoisted up to the window of my bedchamber.
"The duke was so kind as to come at my lord's request,
and, before I would open the door, gave me his word, that I
should be protected from all violence and compulsion. Thus
assured, they were permitted to enter. My little gentleman,
sitting down by my bedside, began to repeat the old
hackneyed arguments he had formerly used, with a view of
inducing me to live with him; and I, on my side, repeated my
former objections, or pretended to listen to his
representations, while my imagination was employed in
contriving the means of effecting an escape, as the duke
easily perceived by my countenance.
"Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual, he quitted
the chamber, and left his cause to the eloquence of his
grace, who sat with me a whole half-hour, without exerting
himself much in behalf of his client, because he knew I was
altogether obstinate and determined on that score; but joked
upon the behaviour of his lordship, who, though jealous of
most people, had left him alone with me in my bedchamber,
observing, that he must neither have great confidence in his
virtue, or a very bad opinion of him otherwise. In short, I
found means to defer the categorical answer till next day,
and invited the duke and his lordship to dine with me
to-morrow. My wise yoke-fellow seemed to doubt the sincerity
of this invitation, and was very much disposed to keep
possession of my house. But, by the persuasion of his grace,
and the advice of H—, who was his chief counsellor and back,
he was prevailed upon to take my word, and for the present
left me.
"They were no sooner retired, than I rose with great
expedition, packed up my clothes, and took shelter in Essex
for the first time. Next day, my lord and his noble friend
came to dinner, according to appointment; and being informed
of my escape by my woman, whom I left in the house, his
lordship discovered some signs of discontent, and insisted
upon seeing my papers; upon which my maid produced a parcel
of bills which I owed to different people. Notwithstanding
this disappointment, he sat down to what was provided for
dinner, and with great deliberation ate up a leg of lamb,
the best part of a fowl, and something else, which I do not
now remember; and then very peaceably went away, giving my
maid an opportunity of following me to the place of my
retreat.
"My intention was to have sought refuge, as formerly, in
another country; but I was prevented from putting my design
in execution by a fit of illness, during which I was visited
by my physician and some of my own relations, particularly a
distant cousin of mine, whom my lord had engaged in his
interests, by promising to recompense her amply, if she
could persuade me to comply with his desire. In this office
she was assisted by the doctor, who was my friend, and a man
of sense, for whom I have the most perfect esteem, though he
and I have often differed in point of opinion. In a word, I
was exposed to the incessant importunities of all my
acquaintance, which, added to the desperate circumstances of
my fortune, compelled me to embrace the terms that were
offered, and I again returned to the domestic duties of a
wife.
"I was conducted to my lord's house by an old friend of
mine, a gentleman turned of fifty, of admirable parts and
understanding; he was a pleasing companion, cheerful and
humane, and had acquired a great share of my esteem and
respect. In a word, his advice had great weight in my
deliberations, because it seemed to be the result of
experience and disinterested friendship. Without all doubt,
he had an unfeigned concern for my welfare; but, being an
admirable politician, his scheme was to make my interest
coincide with his own inclinations; for I had, unwittingly,
made an innovation upon his heart; and as he thought I
should hardly favour his passion while I was at liberty to
converse with the rest of my admirers, he counselled me to
surrender that freedom, well knowing that my lord would be
easily persuaded to banish all his rivals from the house; in
which case, he did not doubt of his being able to insinuate
himself into my affections; because he laid it down as an
eternal truth, that, if any two persons of different sexes
were obliged to live together in a desert, where they would
be excluded from all other human intercourse, they would
naturally and inevitably contract an inclination for each
other.
"How just this hypothesis might be, I leave to the
determination of the curious; though, if I may be allowed to
judge from my own disposition, a couple so situated would be
apt to imbibe mutual disgusts from the nature and necessity
of their union, unless their association was at first the
effect of reciprocal affection and esteem. Be this as it
will, I honour the gentleman for his plan, which was
ingeniously contrived, and artfully conducted; but I
happened to have too much address for him in the sequel,
cunning as he was, though at first I did not perceive his
drift; and his lordship was much less likely to comprehend
his meaning.
"Immediately after this new accommodation, I was carried
to a country house belonging to my lord, and was simple
enough to venture myself, unattended by any servant on whose
integrity I could depend, in the hands of his lordship, and
H—, whose villainy I always dreaded; though, at this time,
my apprehensions were considerably increased by
recollecting, that it was not his interest to let me live in
the house, lest his conduct should be inquired into; and by
remembering that the very house to which we were going had
been twice burnt down in a very short space of time, not
without suspicion of his having been the incendiary, on
account of some box of writings which was lost in the
conflagration. True it is, this imputation was never made
good; and, perhaps, he was altogether innocent of the
charge, which nevertheless affected my spirits in such a
manner, as rendered me the most miserable of all mortals. In
this terror did I remain, till my consternation was awakened
by the arrival of Mr. B—, a good-natured worthy man, whom my
lord had invited to his house, and I thought would not see
me ill-used. In a few weeks we were joined by Dr. S— and his
lady, who visited us according to their promise; and it was
resolved that we should set out for Tunbridge, on a party of
pleasure, and at our return examine H—'s accounts.
"This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by
our worthy steward, who therefore determined to overturn our
whole plan, and succeeded accordingly. My lord, all of a
sudden, declared himself against the jaunt we had projected,
and insisted upon my staying at home, without assigning any
reason for this peremptory behaviour; his countenance being
cloudy, and, for the space of three days, he did not open
his mouth. At last, he one night entered my bedchamber, to
which he now had free access, with his sword under his arm,
and, if I remember aright, it was ready drawn. I could not
help taking notice of this alarming circumstance, which
shocked me the more, as it happened immediately after a
gloomy fit of discontent. However, I seemed to overlook the
incident, and, dismissing my maid, went to bed; because I
was ashamed to acknowledge, even to my own heart, any dread
of a person whom I despised so much. However, the strength
of my constitution was not equal to the fortitude of my
mind. I was taken ill, and the servants were obliged to be
called up; while my lord himself, terrified at my situation,
ran upstairs to Mrs. S—, who was in bed, told her, with
evident perturbation of spirits, that I was very much
indisposed, and said, he believed I was frightened by his
entering my chamber with his sword in hand.
"This lady was so startled at his information, that she
ran into my apartment half naked, and as she went
down-stairs, asked what reason could induce him to have
carried his sword with him. Upon which he gave her to
understand, that his intention was to kill the bats. I
believe and hope he had no other design than that of
intimidating me; but when the affair happened, I was of a
different opinion. Mrs. S—, having put on her clothes, sat
up all night by my bedside, and was so good as to assure me
that she would not leave me until I should be safely
delivered from the apprehensions that surrounded me in this
house, to which she and the doctor had been the principal
cause of my coming; for my lord had haunted and importuned
them incessantly on this subject, protesting that he loved
me with the most inviolable affection; and all he desired
was, that I would sit at his table, manage his family, and
share his fortune. By these professions, uttered with an air
of honesty and good-nature, he had imposed himself upon them
for the best tempered creature upon earth; and they used all
their influence with me to take him into favour. This has
been the case with a great many people, who had but a
superficial knowledge of his disposition; but, in the course
of their acquaintance, they have never failed to discern and
acknowledge their mistake.
"The doctor, on his return from Tunbridge, to which place
he had made a trip by himself, found me ill abed, and the
whole family in confusion. Surprised and concerned at this
disorder, he entered into expostulation with my lord, who
owned, that the cause of his displeasure and disquiet was no
other than jealousy. He had informed him, that I had been
seen to walk out with Mr. Bal— in a morning; and that our
correspondence had been observed, with many additional
circumstances, which were absolutely false and groundless.
This imputation was no sooner understood, than it was
resolved that the accuser should be examined in presence of
us all. He accordingly appeared, exceedingly drunk, though
it was morning, and repeated the articles of the charge, as
an information he had received from a man who came from town
to hang the bells, and was long ago returned to London.
"This was an instance of his cunning and address, which
did not forsake him even in his hours of intoxication. Had
he fixed the calumny on any one of the servants, he would
have been confronted and detected in his falsehood.
Nevertheless, though he could not be legally convicted, it
plainly appeared that he was the author of this defamation,
which incensed Mr. Bal— to such a degree, that he could
scarce be withheld from punishing him on the spot, by manual
chastisement. However, he was prevailed upon to abstain from
such immediate vengeance, as a step unworthy of his
character; and the affair was brought to this issue, that
his lordship should either part with me or Mr. H—; for I was
fully determined against living under the same roof with
such an incendiary.
"This alternative being proposed, my lord dismissed his
steward, and we returned to town with the doctor and Mrs.
S—; for I had imbibed such horror and aversion for this
country seat, though one of the pleasantest in England, that
I could not bear to live in it. We therefore removed to a
house in Bond-street, where, according to the advice of my
friends, I exerted my whole power and complaisance in
endeavours to keep my husband in good-humour, but was so
unsuccessful in my attempts, that, if ever he was worse
tempered, more capricious, or intolerable, at one time than
at another, this was the season in which his ill-humour
predominated in the most rancorous degree. I was scarce ever
permitted to stir abroad, saw nobody at home, but my old
male friend, whom I have mentioned above; and the doctor,
with his lady, from whose conversation, also, I was at last
excluded.
"Nevertheless, I contrived to steal a meeting now and
then with my late benefactor, for whom I entertained a great
share of affection, exclusive of that gratitude that was due
to his generosity. It was not his fault that I compromised
matters with my lord; for he was as free of his purse as I
was unwilling to use it. It would, therefore, have been
unfriendly, unkind, and ungrateful in me, now that I was in
affluence, to avoid all intercourse with a man who had
supported me in adversity. I think people cannot be too shy
and scrupulous in receiving favours; but once they are
conferred, they ought never to forget the obligation. And I
was never more concerned at any incident of my life, than at
hearing that this gentleman did not receive a letter, in
which I acknowledged the last proof of his friendship and
liberality which I had occasion to use, because I have since
learned that he suspected me of neglect.
"But to return to my situation in Bond-street. I bore it
as well as I could for the space of three months, during
which I lived in the midst of spies, who were employed to
watch my conduct, and underwent every mortification that
malice, power, and folly could inflict. Nay, so ridiculous,
so unreasonable was my tyrant in his spleen, that he
declared he would even be jealous of Heydigger, if there was
no other man to incur his suspicion: he expected that I
should spend my whole time with him tete-a-tete; when I
sacrificed my enjoyment to these comfortable parties, he
never failed to lay hold on some innocent expression of
mine, which he made the foundation of a quarrel; and, when I
strove to avoid these disagreeable misinterpretations by
reading or writing, he incessantly teased and tormented me
with the imputation of being peevish, sullen, and reserved.
"Harassed by this insufferable behaviour, I communicated
my case to Dr. S— and his lady, intimating that I neither
could nor would expose myself any longer to such usage. The
doctor exhorted me to bear my fate with patience; and Mrs.
S— was silent on the subject; so that I still hesitated
between staying and going, when the doctor, being one night
at supper, happened to have some words with my lord, who was
so violently transported with passion, that I was actually
afraid of going to bed with him; and next morning, when he
awakened, there was such an expression of frantic wildness
in his countenance, that I imagined he was actually
distracted.
"This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution
of decamping; and I accordingly moved my quarters to a house
in Sackville-street, where I had lodged when I was a widow.
From thence I sent a message to the duke of L—, desiring he
would make my lord acquainted with the place of my abode, my
reasons for removing, and my intention to defend myself
against all his attempts. The first night of this separation
I went to bed by myself with as much pleasure as a man would
feel in going to bed to his mistress whom he had long
solicited in vain, so rejoiced was I to be delivered from my
obnoxious bedfellow!
"From these lodgings I soon moved to Brook-street, where
I had not long enjoyed the sweets of my escape, when I was
importuned to return, by a new steward whom my lord had
engaged in the room of H—. This gentleman, who bore a very
fair character, made such judicious representations, and
behaved so candidly in the discharge of his function, that I
agreed he should act as umpire in the difference betwixt us,
and once more a reconciliation was effected, though his
lordship began to be dissatisfied even before the execution
of our agreement; in consequence of which he attended me to
Bath, whither I went for the benefit of my health, which was
not a little impaired.
"This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my
lover, who, notwithstanding his repeated declarations, that
no woman should ever gain such an ascendancy over his heart
as to be able to give him pain, suffered all the agonies of
disappointed love, when he now found himself deprived of the
opportunities of seeing me, and behaved very differently
from what he had imagined he should. His words and actions
were desperate: one of his expressions to me was, "It is
like twisting my heart-strings, and tearing it out of my
body." Indeed, I never should have acted this part had I
foreseen what he would have suffered; but I protest I
believed him, when he said otherwise, so much, that his
declaration on that subject was the occasion of my giving
him up; and it was now too late to retract.
"In our expedition to Bath, I was accompanied by a very
agreeable young lady, with whom I passed my time very
happily, amid the diversions of the place, which screened
me, in a good measure, from the vexatious society of my
hopeful partner. From this place we repaired to his seat in
the country, where we spent a few months, and thence
returned again to our house in Bond-street. Here, while I
was confined to my bed by illness, it was supposed my
indisposition was no other than a private lying-in, though I
was under the roof with my lord, and attended by his
servants.
"While the distemper continued, my lord, to do him
justice, behaved with all imaginable tenderness and care;
and his concern on these occasions I have already mentioned
as a strange inconsistency in his disposition. If his
actions were at all accountable, I should think he took
pains to fret me into a fever first, in order to manifest
his love and humanity afterwards. When I recovered my
strength and spirits, I went abroad, saw company, and should
have been easy, had he been contented; but as my
satisfaction increased, his good-humour decayed, and he
banished from his house, one by one, all the people whose
conversation could have made my life agreeable.
"I often expostulated with him on his malignant
behaviour, protesting my desire of living peaceably with
him, and begging he would not lay me under the necessity of
changing my measures. He was deaf to all my remonstrances,
though I warned him more than once of the event, persisted
in his maxims of persecution; and, after repeated quarrels,
I again left his house fully determined to suffer all sorts
of extremity, rather than subject myself to the tyranny of
his disposition.
"This year was productive of one fatal event, which I
felt with the utmost sensibility of sorrow, and I shall
always remember with regret:—I mean the death of Mr. B—,
with whom I had constantly maintained an intimate
correspondence since the first commencement of our
acquaintance. He was one of the most valuable men, and
promised to be one of the brightest ornaments that this or
any other age had produced. I enjoyed his friendship without
reserve; and such was the confidence he reposed in my
integrity, from long experience of my truth, that he often
said he would believe my bare assertion, even though it
should contradict the evidence of his own senses. These
being the terms upon which we lived, it is not to be
supposed that I bore the loss of him without repining.
Indeed, my grief was unspeakable; and, though the edge of it
be now smoothed by the lenient hand of time, I shall never
cease to cherish his memory with the most tender
remembrance.
"During the last period of my living with my lord, I had
agreed to the expediency of obtaining an act of parliament,
which would enable him to pay his debts; on which occasion
there was a necessity of cancelling a deed that subsisted
between us, relating to a separate maintenance, to which, on
certain provisions, I was entitled; and this was to be set
aside, so far as it interfered with the above-mentioned
scheme, while the rest of it should remain in force. When
this affair was about to be transacted, my lord very
generously insisted upon my concurrence in annulling the
whole settlement; and, when I refused to comply with this
demand, because this was the sole resource I had against his
ill-usage, he would not proceed in the execution of his
plan, though, by dropping it, he hurt nobody but himself;
and he accused me of having receded from my word, after I
had drawn him into considerable expense.
"This imputation of breaking my word, which I defy the
whole world to prove I ever did, incensed me the more, as I
myself had proposed the scheme for his service, although I
knew the accomplishment of it would endanger the validity of
my own settlement; and my indignation was still more
augmented by the behaviour of Mr. G—, who had always
professed a regard for my interest, and upon my last
accommodation with my lord, undertaken to effect a
reconciliation between my father and me; but, when he was
questioned about the particulars of this difference, and
desired to declare whether his lordship or I was to blame,
he declined the office of arbitrator, refused to be explicit
upon the subject, and by certain shrewd hums and ha's,
signified his disapprobation of my conduct. Yet this very
man, when I imparted to him, in confidence, my intention of
making another retreat, and frankly asked his opinion of my
design, seemed to acquiesce in the justice of it in these
remarkable words: 'Madam, if I thought or had hopes of my
lord growing better, I would down on my knees to desire you
to stay; but, as I have not, I say nothing.'
"If he connived at my conduct in this particular, why
should he disapprove of it when all I asked was but common
justice? But he was a dependant; and therefore I excuse his
phlegmatic, not to call it unfriendly, behaviour. Indeed, he
could not be too cautious of giving offence to his lordship,
who sometimes made him feel the effects of that wrath which
other people had kindled; particularly in consequence of a
small adventure which happened about this very period of
time.
"A very agreeable, sprightly, good-natured young man, a
near relation of my lord, happening to be at our house one
evening, when there was a fire in the neighbourhood, we
agreed to go and sup at the tavern en famille; and, having
spent the evening with great mirth and good-humour, this
young gentleman, who was naturally facetious, in taking his
leave, saluted us all round. My lord, who had before
entertained some jealousy of his kinsman, was very much
provoked by this trifling incident, but very prudently
suppressed his displeasure till he returned to his own
house, where his rage co-operating with the champagne he had
drunk, inflamed him to such a degree of resolution, that he
sprang upon the innocent G—, and collared him with great
fury, though he was altogether unconcerned in the cause of
his indignation.
"This extravagant and frantic behaviour, added to other
grievances under which I laboured, hastened my resolution of
leaving him; and he, to this day, blames his relation as the
immediate cause of my escape, whereas he ought to place it
to the account of his own madness and indiscretion. When I
retired to Park-street, he cautioned all my tradesmen, not
even excepting my baker, against giving me credit, assuring
them that he would not pay any debts I should contract; and
the difficulties to which I was reduced, in consequence of
this charitable declaration, together with the reflection of
what I had suffered, and might undergo, from the caprice and
barbarity of his disposition, affected my health so much,
that I was again taken ill, and my life thought in danger.
"My constitution, however, got the better of my
distemper, and I was ordered into the country by my
physicians, for the benefit of the air; so that I found
myself under the necessity of keeping two houses, when I was
little able to support one, and set up my chariot, because I
could not defray the expense of a hackney-coach; for I had
as much credit given me as I asked for, notwithstanding my
lord's orders to the contrary.
"Having recruited my spirits in the country, I returned
to town, and was visited by my friends, who never forsook me
in adversity, and in the summer removed to a house in Essex,
where I lived a few months in great tranquility, unmolested
by my tyrant, who sometimes gave me a whole year's respite.
Here I used to ride and drive by turns, as my humour
dictated, with horses which were lent me; and I had the
company of my lover, and another gentleman, who was a very
agreeable companion, and of singular service to me in the
sequel.
"At last, my lord having received intelligence of the
place of my abode, and his tormenting humour recurring, he
set out for my habitation, and in the morning appeared in
his coach and six, attended by Mr. G— and another person,
whom he had engaged for the purpose, with several domestics
armed. I immediately shut up my doors at his approach, and
refused him admittance, which he endeavoured to obtain by a
succession of prayers and threats; but I was deaf to both,
and resolved to hold out to the last. Seeing me determined,
he began his attack, and his servants actually forced their
way into the house; upon which I retreated up-stairs, and
fortified myself in my apartment, which the assailants
stormed with such fury, that the door began to give way, and
I retired into another room.
"Whilst I remained in this post, Mr. G— demanded a
parley, in which he begged I would favour my lord with an
interview, otherwise he knew not what might be the
consequence. To this remonstrance I replied, that I was not
disposed to comply with his request; and though their design
should be murder, I was not at all afraid of death. Upon
this declaration they renewed their attacks, which they
carried on with indifferent success till the afternoon, when
my lord, as if he had been at play, sent a formal message to
me, desiring that all hostilities should cease, till after
both parties should have dined. At the same time, my own
servants came for instructions; and I ordered them to let
him have everything which he should call for, as far as the
house would afford.
"He did not fail to make use of this permission; but
sitting down with his companions, ate up my dinner without
hesitation, after he had paid me the compliment of desiring
to know what he should send up to my apartment. Far from
having any stomach to partake of his meal, I sat solitary
upon my bed, in a state of melancholy expectation, having
fastened the door of the outward room for my security, while
I kept my chamber open for the convenience of air, the
weather being excessively hot. His lordship, having indulged
his appetite, resumed his attempt, and all of a sudden I
heard a noise in the next room; upon which I started up, and
perceiving that he had got into my ante-chamber, by the help
of a bench that stood under the window, I flung to the door
of my room, which I locked with great expedition, and
opening another that communicated with the staircase, ran
out of the house, through a crowd of more than a hundred
people, whom this fray had gathered together.
"Being universally beloved in the neighbourhood, and
respected by my lord's servants, I passed among them
untouched, and took refuge in a neighbouring cottage; while
his lordship bawled and roared for assistance, being afraid
to come out as he had gone in. Without waiting for his
deliberations, I changed clothes with the poor woman who had
given me shelter, and in her blue apron and straw hat
sallied out into the fields, intending to seek protection in
the house of a gentleman not far off, though I was utterly
ignorant of the road that led me to it. However, it was my
good fortune to meet with a farmer, who undertook to conduct
me to the place; otherwise I should have missed my way, and
in all probability lain in the fields; for by this time it
was eight o'clock at night.
"Under the direction of this guide, I traversed hedges
and ditches; for I would not venture to travel in the
highway, lest I should fall into the hands of my pursuer,
and after I had actually tumbled into the mire, and walked
six or seven long miles by the help of a good spirit, which
never failed me on such occasions, I arrived at the place,
and rung the bell at the garden gate for admittance. Seeing
my figure, which was very uncouth, together with my draggled
condition, they denied me entrance; but, when they
understood who I was, immediately opened the door, and I was
hospitably entertained, after having been the subject of
mirth, on account of my dress and adventure.
"Next day I returned and took possession of my house
again, where I resumed my former amusements, which I enjoyed
in quiet for the space of a whole month, waiting with
resignation for the issue of my lawsuit; when, one
afternoon, I was apprised of his lordship's approach by one
of my spies, whom I always employed to reconnoitre the road;
and so fortunate was I in the choice of these scouts, that I
never was betrayed by one of them, though they were often
bribed for that purpose. I no sooner received this
intelligence, than I ordered my horse to be saddled, and,
mounting, rode out of sight immediately, directing my course
a different way from the London road. I had not long
proceeded in this track, when my career was all of a sudden
stopped by a five-bar gate, which, after some hesitation, I
resolved to leap (my horse being an old hunter), if I should
find myself pursued. However, with much difficulty I made a
shift to open it, and arrived in safety at the house of my
very good friend Mr. G—, who, being a justice of the peace,
had promised me his protection, if it should be wanted.
"Thus secured for the present, I sent out spies to bring
information of his lordship's proceedings, and understood
that he had taken possession of my house, turned my servants
adrift, and made himself master of all my movables, clothes,
and papers. As for the papers, they were of no consequence,
but of clothes I had a good stock; and, when I had reason to
believe that he did not intend to relinquish his conquest, I
thought it was high time for me to remove to a greater
distance from his quarters. Accordingly, two days after my
escape, I set out at eleven o'clock at night, in a chariot
and four, which I borrowed of my friend, attended by a
footman, who was a stout fellow, and well armed, I myself
being provided with a brace of good pistols, which I was
fully determined to use against any person who should
presume to lay violent hands upon me, except my lord, for
whom a less mortal weapon would have sufficed, such as a
bodkin or a tinder-box. Nothing could be farther from my
intention than the desire of hurting any living creature,
much less my husband: my design was only to defend myself
from cruelty and oppression, which I knew, by fatal
experience, would infallibly be my lot, should he get me
into his power. And I thought I had as good a right to
preserve my happiness, as that which every individual has to
preserve his life, especially against a set of ruffians, who
were engaged to rob me of it for a little dirty lucre.
"In the midst of our journey, the footman came up, and
told me I was dogged; upon which I looked out, and, seeing a
man riding by the chariot side, presented one of my pistols
out of my window, and preserved that posture of defence,
until he thought proper to retreat, and rid me of the fears
that attended his company. I arrived in town, and, changing
my equipage, hired an open chaise, in which, though I was
almost starved with cold, I travelled to Reading, which I
reached by ten next morning; and from thence proceeded
farther in the country, with a view of taking refuge with
Mrs. C—, who was my particular friend. Here I should have
found shelter, though my lord had been beforehand with me,
and endeavoured to prepossess her against my conduct, had
not the house been crowded with company, among whom I could
not possibly have been concealed, especially from her
brother, who was an intimate friend of my persecutor.
"Things being thus situated, I enjoyed but a very short
interview with her, in which her sorrow and perplexity on my
account appeared with great expression in her countenance;
and, though it was not in her power to afford me the relief
I expected, she, in the most genteel manner, sent after me a
small sum of money, thinking that, considering the hurry in
which I left my house, I might have occasion for it on the
road. I was, by this time, benumbed with cold, fatigued with
travelling, and almost fretted to death by my
disappointment. However, this was no time to indulge
despondence; since nobody could or would assist me, I stood
the more in need of my own resolution and presence of mind.
After some deliberation, I steered my course back to London;
and, being unwilling to return by the same road in which I
came, as well as impatient to be at the end of my journey, I
chose the Bagshot way, and ventured to cross the heath by
moonlight.
"Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a
broad-sword, who came up and demanded my money. My stock
amounted to twelve guineas; and I foresaw that should I be
stripped of the whole sum, I could not travel without
discovering who I was, and consequently running the risk of
being detected by my pursuer. On these considerations, I
gave the fellow three guineas and some silver; with which he
was so far from being satisfied, that he threatened to
search me for more: but I ordered the coachman to proceed,
and by good fortune escaped that ceremony, though I was
under some apprehension of being overtaken with a pistol
bullet in my flight, and therefore held down my head in the
chaise, in imitation of some great men, who are said to have
ducked in the same manner in the day of battle. My fears
happened to be disappointed: I lay at an inn upon the road,
and next day arrived in town, in the utmost difficulty and
distress; for I knew not where to fix my habitation, and was
destitute of all means of support. In this dilemma, I
applied to my lawyer, who recommended me to the house of a
tradesman in Westminster, where I lodged and boarded upon
credit, with my faithful Abigail (whom I shall distinguish
by the name of Mrs. S—), for the space of ten weeks, during
which I saw nobody, and never once stirred abroad.
"While I was thus harassed out of all enjoyment of life,
and reduced to the utmost indigence, by the cruelty of my
persecutor, who had even stripped me of my wearing apparel,
I made a conquest of Lord D—, a nobleman who is now dead,
and therefore I shall say little of his character, which is
perfectly well known: this only will I observe, that, next
to my own tyrant, he was the person of whom I had the
greatest abhorrence. Nevertheless, when these two came in
competition, I preferred the offers of this new lover, which
were very considerable; and as an asylum was the chief thing
I wanted, agreed to follow him to his country seat, whither
I actually sent my clothes, which I had purchased upon
credit.
"However, upon mature deliberation, I changed my mind,
and signified my resolution in a letter, desiring at the
same time that my baggage might be sent back. In consequence
of this message, I expected a visit from him, in all the
rage of indignation and disappointment, and gave orders that
he should not be admitted into my house yet, notwithstanding
this precaution, he found means to procure entrance; and one
of the first objects that I saw, next morning, in my
bedchamber, was my lover, armed with a horsewhip, against
which, from the knowledge of the man, I did not think myself
altogether secure; though I was not much alarmed, because I
believed myself superior to him in point of bravery, should
the worst come to the worst. But, contrary to my
expectation, and his usual behaviour to our sex, he accosted
me very politely, and began to expostulate on the contents
of my letter. I freely told him, that I had rashly assented
to his proposal, for my own convenience only; that, when I
reflected on what I had done, I thought it ungenerous in me
to live with him upon these terms; and that, as I did not
like him, and could not dissemble, such a correspondence
could never tend to the satisfaction of either. He allowed
the inference was just, though he was very much chagrined at
my previous proceeding. He relinquished his claim, restored
my clothes, and never afterwards upbraided me with my
conduct in this affair; though he at one time owned, that he
still loved me, and ever should, because I had used him ill;
a declaration that strongly marks the peculiarity of his
character. As for my own part, I own that my behaviour on
this occasion is no other way excusable, than on account of
the miserable perplexity of my circumstances, which were
often so calamitous, that I wonder I have not been compelled
to take such steps as would have rendered my conduct much
more exceptionable than it really is.
"At last all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my
suit, which was determined in favour of my lord. Even then I
refused to yield: on the contrary, coming out of retirement,
I took lodgings in Suffolk-street, and set my tyrant at
defiance. But, being unwilling to trust my doors to the care
of other people, I hired a house in Conduit-street; and no
sooner appeared in the world again, than I was surrounded by
divers and sundry sorts of admirers. I believe I received
the incense and addresses of all kinds under the sun, except
that sort which was most to my liking, a man capable of
contracting and inspiring a mutual attachment; but such a
one is equally rare and inestimable; not but that I own
myself greatly obliged to all those who cultivated my good
graces, though they were very little beholden to me; for
where I did not really love, I could never profess that
passion; that sort of dissimulation is a slavery that no
honest nature will undergo. Except one worthy young man whom
I sometimes saw, they were a strange medley of insignificant
beings: one was insipid, another ridiculously affected, a
third void of all education, a fourth altogether
inconsistent; and, in short, I found as many trifling
characters among the men, as ever I observed in my own sex.
Some of them I endeavoured to bring over to my maxims, while
they attempted to make a proselyte of me; but, finding the
task impracticable on both sides, we very wisely dropped
each other.
"At length, however, I was blessed with the acquaintance
of one nobleman, who is, perhaps, the first character in
England, in point of honour, integrity, wit, sense, and
benevolence; when I have thus distinguished him, I need
scarce mention Lord —. This great, this good man, possesses
every accomplishment requisite to inspire admiration, love,
and esteem. With infinitely more merit than almost ever fell
to one man's share, he manifests such diffidence of his own
qualifications, as cannot fail to prepossess every company
in his favour. He seems to observe nothing, yet sees
everything; his manner of telling a story, and making
trifles elegant, is peculiar to himself; and, though he has
a thousand oddities, they serve only to make him more
agreeable. After what I have said, it may be supposed that I
was enamoured of his person; but this was not the case; love
is altogether capricious and fanciful; yet I admire, honour,
and esteem him to the highest degree, and when I observe
that his character resembled that of my dear departed friend
Mr. B—; or rather, that Mr. B—, had he lived, would have
resembled Lord —, I pay the highest compliment I can
conceive both to the living and to the dead.
"In this nobleman's friendship and conversation I thought
myself happy; though I was, as usual, exposed to the
indefatigable efforts of my lord, who, one day, while I was
favoured with the company of this generous friend, appeared
at my door in his coach, attended by another gentleman, who
demanded entrance with an air of authority. A very honest
footman, who had been long in my service, ran upstairs in
the utmost consternation, and gave me an account of what had
happened below. Upon which I told him he had nothing to
answer for, and ordered him to keep the door fast shut
against all opposition; though I was so much affected with
this unexpected assault, that Lord — said he was never more
surprised and shocked in his life, than at the horror which
appeared in my countenance, when I saw the coach stop at my
door.
"My little hero being refused admittance, went away,
threatening to return speedily with a reinforcement; and
during this interval, I provided myself with a soldier, whom
I placed sentinel at the door, within side, to guard me from
the danger of such assaults for the future. My lord, true to
his promise, marched back with his auxiliaries, reinforced
with a constable, and repeated his demand of being admitted;
and my soldier opening the sash, in order to answer him,
according to my directions, he no sooner perceived the red
coat, than he was seized with such a panic, that he
instantly fled with great precipitation; and, when he
recounted the adventure, like Falstaff in the play,
multiplied my guard into a whole file of musqueteers. He
also made a shift to discover the gentleman who had been so
kind as to lend me one of his company, and complained of him
to the duke of N—, in hopes of seeing him broke for his
misdemeanour; but in that expectation he was luckily
disappointed.
"Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace,
but be continually subject to those alarms and disquiets
which had already impaired my health and spirits, I resolved
to repair again to France, my best refuge and sure retreat
from the persecution of my tyrant. Yet, before I took this
step, I endeavoured, by the advice of my friends, to conceal
myself near Windsor; but was in a little time discovered by
my lord, and hunted out of my lurking-place accordingly. I
then removed to Chelsea, where I suffered inconceivable
uneasiness and agitation of mind, from the nature of my
situation, my tranquility being thus incessantly invaded by
a man who could not be satisfied with me, and yet could not
live without me. So that, though I was very much indisposed,
I set out for France, by way of the Hague, as the war had
shut up all other communication, having no other attendant
but my woman S—, who, though she dreaded the sea, and was
upon the brink of matrimony, would not quit me in such a
calamitous condition, until I was joined by my footman and
another maid, whom I ordered to follow me with the baggage.
But, before my departure, I sent a message to Lord —,
demanding my clothes, which he had seized in Essex; and, he
refusing to deliver them, I was obliged to equip myself
anew, upon credit.
"I was supplied with money for my journey by my good
friend L—; and, after a short and pleasant passage, arrived
at the Hague, where I stayed two months, and parted with S—,
on whom I settled an annuity of five-and-twenty pounds,
payable out of the provision which I had or might obtain
from my husband. The same allowance had I prevailed upon
Lord B— to grant to another maid, who attended me while I
lived in his house.
"I did not much relish the people in Holland, because
they seemed entirely devoted to self-interest, without any
taste for pleasure or politeness; a species of disposition
that could not be very agreeable to me, who always despised
money, had an unbounded benevolence of heart, and loved
pleasure beyond every other consideration. When I say
pleasure, I would not be understood to mean sensuality,
which constitutes the supreme happiness of those only who
are void of sentiment and imagination. Nevertheless, I
received some civilities in this place, and, among the rest,
the reputation of having for my lover the king of P—'s
minister, who was young and airy, and visited me often;
circumstances that were sufficient to lay me under the
imputation of an amour, which I frequently incurred without
having given the least cause of suspicion.
"Having taken leave of my Dutch friends, I departed from
the Hague, in company with an English woman, whom I had
chosen for that purpose, and arrived at Antwerp with much
difficulty and danger, the highway being infested with
robbers. After having reposed myself a few days in this
city, I hired a coach for myself, and set out with my
companion for Brussels; but, before we reached Mechlin, our
vehicle was attacked by two hussars, who, with their sabres
drawn, obliged the coachman to drive into a wood near the
road. I at first imagined that they wanted to examine our
passports, but was soon too well convinced of their design;
and, though very much shocked at the discovery, found
resolution enough to suppress my concern, so that it should
not aggravate the terrors of the young woman, who had almost
died with apprehension. I even encouraged her to hope for
the best; and, addressing myself to the robbers in French,
begged, in the most suppliant manner, that they would spare
our lives; upon which one of them, who was a little fellow,
assured me, in the same language, that we had nothing to
fear for our persons.
"When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspense
about three-quarters of a mile into the wood, the ruffians
came into the coach, and, taking my keys, which I kept ready
in my hand for them, opened three large trunks that
contained my baggage, and emptying them of everything but my
hoops and a few books, packed up their booty in a cloth;
then robbed me of my money and jewels, even to my
shoe-buckles and sleeve-buttons, took my footman's laced
hat, and gave it, by way of gratification, to a peasant, who
came from behind the bushes, and assisted them in packing.
"This affair being despatched, they ordered us to return
to the road by a different way from that in which we were
carried into the wood; and mounting their horses, rode off
with the plunder, though not before the little fellow, who
was the least ferocious of the two, had come and shaken me
by the hand, wishing us a good journey; a compliment which I
heartily returned, being extremely well pleased with the
retreat of two such companions, who had detained us a whole
half-hour; during which, notwithstanding the assurance I had
received, I was in continual apprehension of seeing their
operation concluded with the murder of us all; for I
supposed they were of that gang who had some time before
murdered a French officer, and used a lady extremely ill,
after having rifled her of all she had.
"Having thus undergone pillage, and being reduced to the
extremity of indigence in a foreign land, it is not to be
supposed that my reflections were very comfortable; and yet,
though I sustained the whole damage, I was the only person
in the company who bore the accident with any resolution and
presence of mind. My coachman and valet seemed quite
petrified with fear; and it was not till I had repeated my
directions that the former drove farther into the wood, and
took the first turning to the right, in order to regain the
road, according to the command of the robbers, which I did
not choose to disobey.
"This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I
received at Antwerp, where I would have provided myself with
an escort, had not I been assured that there was not the
least occasion to put myself to such extraordinary expense.
And, indeed, the robbers took the only half-hour in which
they could have had an opportunity of plundering us; for we
no sooner returned into the highway, than we met with the
French artillery coming from Brussels, which was a security
to us during the rest of our journey. We were afterwards
informed at a small village, that there was actually a large
gang of deserters, who harboured in that wood, from which
they made excursions in the neighbourhood, and kept the
peasants in continual alarms.
"Having proceeded a little way, we were stopped by the
artillery crossing a bridge; and, as the train was very
long, must have been detained till night, had not a soldier
informed me, that, if I would take the trouble to come out
of my coach, and apply to the commandant, he would order
them to halt, and allow me to pass. I took the man's advice,
and was by him conducted, with much difficulty, through the
crowd, to some officers, who seemed scarce to deserve the
name; for, when I signified my request, they neither rose
up, nor desired me to sit down; but, lolling in their
chairs, with one leg stretched out, asked, with an air of
disrespectful raillery where I was going; and when I
answered, "To Paris," desired to know what I would do there.
"I, who am naturally civil where I am civilly used, and
saucy enough where I think myself treated with disregard,
was very much piqued at their insolent and unmannerly
behaviour, and began to reply to the impertinent questions
very abruptly; so that a very tart dialogue would have
ensued, had not the conversation been interrupted by a tall,
thin, genteel young French nobleman, an officer in the army,
who, chancing to come in, asked with great politeness, what
I would please to have. I then repeated my desire, and
produced my passports, by which he learned who I was. He
immediately gave orders that my coach should pass; and
afterwards visited me at Paris, having obtained my
permission, and taken my address at parting; while the
others, understanding my name and quality, asked pardon for
their impolite carriage, which they told me was owing to the
representation of the soldier, who gave them to understand
that I was a strolling actress.
"I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake,
which might have proceeded from the circumstances of my
appearance, my footman having been obliged to change hats
with the peasant, and myself being without buckles on my
shoes and buttons on my riding-skirt, while my countenance
still retained marks of the fear and confusion I had
undergone. After all, perhaps the fellow was a droll, and
wanted to entertain himself at my expense. The day was so
far consumed in these adventures, that I was obliged to take
up my lodgings at Mechlin, where I addressed myself to the
intendant, giving him an account of the disaster I had met
with, and desiring I might have credit at the inn, as our
whole company could not raise the value of a sixpence. This
gentleman, though a provincial, was polite in his way, and
not only granted my request, but invited me to lodge at his
own house. I accordingly gave him my company at supper, but
did not choose to sleep at his quarters, because he appeared
to be what the French call un vieux debauche.
"Next day, he sent a trumpet to the general, with a
detail of my misfortune, in hopes of retrieving what I had
lost; but, notwithstanding all possible search, I was fain
to put up with my damage, which, in linen, laces, clothes,
and baubles, amounted to upwards of seven hundred pounds, a
loss which never deprived me of one moment's rest; for,
though I lodged at a miserable inn, and lay in a paltry bed,
I slept as sound as if nothing extraordinary had happened,
after I had written to London and Paris, directing that the
payment of my bills of credit might be stopped. Indeed, I
know of but two misfortunes in life capable of depressing my
spirits, namely, the loss of health and friends; all others
may be prevented or endured. The articles of that calamity
which I chiefly regretted, were a picture of Lord W—, and
some inimitable letters from Mr. B—.
"From Mechlin I proceeded to Brussels, where, being
known, I got credit for some necessaries, and borrowed
twenty guineas to defray the expense of my journey to Paris.
Having consulted with my friends about the safest method of
travelling through Flanders, I was persuaded to take places
in the public voiture; and accordingly departed, not without
fears of finding one part of the country as much infested
with robbers as another. Nor were these apprehensions
assuaged by the conversation of my fellow-travellers, who,
being of the lower sort of people, that delight in
exaggerating dangers, entertained me all the way with an
account of all the robberies and murders which had been
committed on that road, with many additional circumstances
of their own invention. After having been two days exposed
to this comfortable conversation, among very disagreeable
company, which is certainly one of the most disagreeable
situations in life, I arrived at Lisle, where, thinking the
dangerous part of the journey was now past, I hired a
post-chaise, and in two days more reached Paris without any
further molestation.
"Upon my arrival in the capital, I was immediately
visited by my old acquaintances, who, hearing my disaster,
offered me their clothes, and insisted upon my wearing them,
until I could be otherwise provided. They likewise engaged
me in parties, with a view of amusing my imagination, that I
might not grow melancholy in reflecting upon my loss; and
desired me to repeat the particulars of my story forty times
over, expressing great surprise at our not being murdered,
or ravished at least. As for this last species of outrage,
the fear of it never once entered my head, otherwise I
should have been more shocked and alarmed than I really was.
But it seems this was the chief circumstance of my
companion's apprehension; and I cannot help observing, that
a homely woman is always more apt to entertain those fears,
than one whose person exposes her to much more imminent
danger. However, I now learned, that the risk I ran was much
greater than I imagined it to be, those ruffians being
familiarized to rape as well as murder.
"Soon after my appearance at Paris, I was favoured with
the addresses of several French lovers; but I never had any
taste for foreigners, or indeed for any amusement of that
kind, except such as were likely to be lasting, and settled
upon a more agreeable footing than that of common gallantry.
When I deviated from this principle, my conduct was the
effect of compulsion, and therefore I was never easy under
it, having been reduced to the alternative of two evils, the
least of which I was obliged to choose, as a man leaps into
the sea, in order to escape from a ship that is on fire.
"Though I rejected their love, I did not refuse their
company and conversation; and, though my health was
considerably impaired by the shock I received in my last
adventure, which was considerably greater than I at first
imagined, and affected my companion so much, that she did
not recover her spirits till she returned to England, I say,
though I was for some time a valetudinarian, I enjoyed
myself in great tranquility for the space of ten months,
during which I was visited by English, Scotch, and French,
of all parties and persuasions; for pleasure is of no
faction, and that was the chief object of my pursuit;
neither was I so ambitious of being a politician, as to
employ my time and thoughts upon subjects which I did not
understand. I had admirers of all sides, and should have
spent my time very much to my liking, had not I felt my
funds sensibly diminish, without any prospect of their being
repaired; for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of
the sum allotted for my subsistence, in supplying my
companion, my servant, and myself with necessaries, in lieu
of those which we had lost.
"Having before my eyes the uncomfortable prospect of
wanting money in a strange place, I found myself under the
necessity of returning to England, where I had more
resources than I could possibly have among foreigners; and
with that view wrote to Lord —'s agents, desiring that I
might be enabled to discharge my obligations at Paris, by
the payment of my pin-money. Thus a negotiation commenced,
and his lordship promised to remit money for the clearance
of my Paris debts, which amounted to four hundred pounds:
but he would not advance one farthing more, though I gave
him to understand, that, while he protracted the agreement,
I must inevitably be adding to my encumbrances, and that I
should be as effectually detained by a debt of twenty
pounds, as if I owed a thousand. Notwithstanding all my
representations, he would not part with one shilling over
the net sum which I at first stipulated; so that all my
measures were rendered abortive, and I found it altogether
impracticable to execute those resolutions I had formed in
his favour.
"Thus did he for a mere trifle embarrass the woman for
whom he professed the most unlimited love, and whose
principles he pretended to hold in the utmost veneration.
Indeed, his confidence in my integrity was not without
foundation; for many wives, with one half of my provocation,
would have ruined him to all intents and purposes; whereas,
notwithstanding all the extraordinary expenses to which I
had been exposed by his continual persecution, he never paid
a shilling on my account except one thousand pounds,
exclusive of the small allowance which was my due. In a
word, so much time elapsed before my lord could prevail upon
himself to advance the bare four hundred, that I was
involved in fresh difficulties, from which I found it
impossible to extricate myself; and though I had occasion to
write a letter to my benefactor Lord —, in which I expressed
my acknowledgment of past favours, I could not venture to
solicit more, even when I was encouraged by a very obliging
answer, wherein he declared, that the good qualities of my
mind and heart would bind him to me in friendship for ever.
"While I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation, which
would neither permit me to return to England, nor to stay
much longer where I was, a young Englishman of immense
fortune took Paris in his way from Italy, accompanied by a
most agreeable Scotchman of very good sense and great
vivacity. It was my good or ill fortune to become acquainted
with these gentlemen, who, having seen me at the opera,
expressed a desire of being known to me, and accordingly
favoured me with a visit one afternoon, when the brisk North
Briton engrossed the whole conversation, while the other
seemed fearful and diffident even to a degree of
bashfulness, through which, however, I could discern a
delicate sensibility and uncommon understanding. There was
in his person, which was very agreeable, as well as in his
behaviour, a certain naivete that was very pleasing; and, at
this first interview, we relished each other's company so
well, that a sort of intimacy immediately commenced, and was
carried on in a succession of parties of pleasure, in the
course of which I found him fraught with all the tenderness
and sentiment that render the heart susceptible of the most
refined love; a disposition that immediately made me partial
to him, while it subjected his own heart to all the violent
impressions of a passion, which I little imagined our
correspondence would have produced.
"Nevertheless, I was far from being displeased with my
conquest, because his person and qualifications, as well as
his manner of address, were very much to my liking, and
recommended him in a particular manner to my affection.
Indeed, he made greater progress in my heart than I myself
suspected; for there was something congenial in our souls,
which, from our first meeting, I believe, had attracted us,
unknown to ourselves, under the notions of friendship and
regard, and now disclosed itself in the most passionate
love.
"I listened to his addresses, and we were truly happy.
His attachment was the quintessence of tenderness and
sincerity, while his generosity knew no bounds. Not
contented with having paid twelve hundred pounds on my
account, in the space of one fortnight, he would have loaded
me with present after present, had I not absolutely refused
to accept such expensive marks of his munificence. I was
even mortified at those instances of his liberality, which
my situation compelled me to receive, lest, being but little
acquainted with my disposition, he should suspect me of
being interested in my love, and judge my conduct by the
malicious reports of common fame, which, he afterwards
owned, had at first obtained such credit with him, that he
believed our mutual attachment would not be of long
duration. But, in this particular, he was soon undeceived.
His heart, though naturally adapted for the melting passion,
had hitherto escaped untouched by all the ladies of Italy
and France; and, therefore, the first impressions were the
more deeply fixed. As he was unpractised in the ways of
common gallantry and deceit, the striking simplicity in his
character was the more likely to engage the heart of one who
knew the perfidy of the world, and despised all the farce
and bombast of fashionable profession, which I had always
considered as the phrase of vanity and ostentation, rather
than the genuine language of love. Besides, gratitude had a
considerable share in augmenting my affection, which
manifested itself in such a warm, cordial, artless manner,
as increased his esteem, and riveted his attachment; for he
could easily perceive, from the whole tenor of my conduct,
that my breast was an utter stranger to craft and
dissimulation; yet I was at first fearful of contracting any
engagement with him, because, being younger than me, he
might be more apt to change, and the world might be
malicious enough to suppose I had practised upon his
inexperience; but, conscious of my own integrity, I set
slander at defiance, trusting to my own behaviour, and his
natural probity, for the continuance of his love. Though we
did not live together in the same house, the greatest part
of our time was spent in each other's company; we dined and
supped at the same table, frequented public places, went
upon parties to the country, and never parted, but for a few
hours in the night, which we passed in the utmost impatience
to meet again.
"In this agreeable manner did the days roll on, when my
felicity was interrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I
happened to be seized. I had contracted an acquaintance with
a young married lady, who, though her personal attractions
were but slender, was upon the whole an agreeable, cheerful,
good-natured companion, with a little dash of the coquette
in her composition. This woman being in very indigent
circumstances, occasioned by some losses her husband had
sustained, no sooner had an opportunity of seeing and
conversing with my lover, than she formed the design of
making a conquest of him. I should have forgiven her for
this scheme, whatever pangs it might have cost me, had I
believed it the effect of real passion; but I knew her too
well to suppose her heart was susceptible of love, and
accordingly resented it. In the execution of her plan, she
neglected nothing which she thought capable of engaging his
attention. She took all opportunities of sitting near him at
table, ogled him in the most palpable manner, directed her
whole discourse to him, trod upon his toes; nay, I believe,
squeezed his hand. My blood boiled at her, though my pride,
for some time, enabled me to conceal my uneasiness; till at
length her behaviour became so arrogant and gross, that I
could no longer suppress my indignation, and one day told my
lover that I would immediately renounce his correspondence.
"He was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration;
and, when he understood the cause of it, assured me, that,
for the future, he would never exchange one word with her.
Satisfied with this mark of his sincerity and regard, I
released him from his promise, which he could not possibly
keep, while she and I lived upon any terms; and we continued
to visit each other as usual, though she still persisted in
her endeavours to rival me in his affection, and contracted
an intimacy with his companion, who seemed to entertain a
passion for her, that she might have the more frequent
opportunities of being among us; for she had no objection
against favouring the addresses of both. One evening, I
remember, we set out in my coach for the opera; and, in the
way, this inamorata was so busy with her feet, that I was
incensed at her behaviour; and, when we arrived at the
place, refused to alight; but, setting them down, declared
my intention of returning home immediately. She was so much
pleased with this intimation, that she could not conceal the
joy she felt at the thoughts of conversing with him,
uninterrupted by my presence; an opportunity with which I
had never favoured her before. This open exultation
increased my anger and anxiety. I went home; but, being
still tortured with the reflection of having left them
together, adjusted myself in the glass, though I was too
angry to take notice of my own figure, and without further
delay returned to the opera.
"Having inquired for the box in which they sat, I took
possession of one that fronted them, and, reconnoitring
them, without being perceived, had the satisfaction of
seeing him removed to as great a distance from her as the
place would permit, and his head turned another way.
Composed by this examination, I joined them without further
scruple, when my young gentleman expressed great joy at my
appearance, and told me he was determined to have left the
entertainment, and come in quest of me, had I not returned
at that instant.
"In our way homewards, my rival repeated her usual hints,
and with her large hoop almost overshadowed my lover from my
view; upon which my jealousy and wrath recurred with such
violence, that I pulled the string as a signal for the
coachman to stop, with a view of getting out, and going home
afoot; a step which would have afforded a new spectacle to
the people of Paris. But I reflected in a moment upon the
folly of such a resolution, and soon recollected myself, by
calling my pride to my assistance. I determined, however,
that she should act no more scenes of this kind in my
presence, and that same night insisted upon my lover's
dropping all intercourse and connection with this tormentor.
He very cheerfully complied with my desire, and was even
glad of an occasion to break off his acquaintance with a
person about whom I had plagued him so much.
"Thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those
creatures, who, though of little consequence in themselves,
are yet the pests of society, and find means to destroy that
harmony which reigns between two lovers, by the intrusion of
a loose appetite, void of all sensibility and discretion;
having no feelings themselves, they cannot sympathize with
those of other people; and do mischief out of mere
wantonness.
"My lover being obliged to go to England, had settled me
in a genteel house in Paris, with a view of returning when
his affairs should be adjusted; but, when the time of his
departure approached, he began to be uneasy at the prospect
of separation, and, in order to alleviate his anxiety,
desired me to accompany him to Calais, where we stayed
together three or four days, during which the dread of
parting became more and more intense; so that we determined
upon my following him into England at the first opportunity,
where I should live altogether incog. that I might be
concealed from the inquiries and attempts of my lord. Even
after this resolution was fixed, we parted with all the
agonies of lovers who despair of ever meeting again; and the
wind blowing very high after he had embarked, increased my
fears. But, by the return of the packet-boat I was blessed
with the report of his being safe arrived in England, and
had the satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post.
"My admirer being thus detached from me, my thoughts were
entirely employed in concerting some private method of
conveying myself to him. As I would not trust myself in the
common packet, for fear of being discovered, after having
revolved divers schemes, I determined to transport myself in
one of the Dutch fishing-boats, though I knew the passage
would be hazardous; but, in a case of such interesting
concern, I overlooked all danger and inconvenience. Before I
put this resolution in practice, I was so fortunate as to
hear of a small English vessel, that arrived in Calais with
a prisoner of war, in which I embarked, with my companion
and another lady, who lived with me for some time
afterwards; and, when we came on board, discovered that the
ship was no other than a light collier, and that her whole
company amounted to no more than three men. Nevertheless,
though the sea was so rough, and the weather so unpromising,
that no other boat would venture to put to sea, we set sail,
and, between two storms, in about three hours arrived in
safety in Dover.
"From hence my first companion went to her friends in the
stage-coach, while the other lady and I hired an open
post-chaise, though it snowed very hard, and, without any
accident, performed our journey to London, where I met with
my lover, who flew to my arms in all the transports of
impatient joy; and, doubtless, I deserved his affection for
the hardships, perils, and difficulties I had undergone to
be with him; for I never scrupled to undertake anything
practicable, in order to demonstrate the sincerity of what I
professed. In consequence of our plan, I assumed a
fictitious name, and never appeared in public, being fully
satisfied and happy in the company and conversation of the
man I loved; and, when he went into the country, contented
myself with his correspondence, which he punctually
maintained, in a series of letters, equally sensible,
sincere, and affectionate.
"Upon his return to town for the remainder of the season,
he devoted the greatest part of his time to our mutual
enjoyment; left me with reluctance, when he was called away
by indispensable business, and the civility which was due to
his acquaintance, and very seldom went to any place of
public entertainment, because I could not accompany and
share with him in the diversion; nay, so much did I engross
his attention, that one evening, after he had been teased
into an agreement of meeting some friends at a play, he went
thither precisely at the appointed hour, and, as they did
not arrive punctually at the very minute, he returned to me
immediately, as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met
with some signal deliverance. Nor was his constancy inferior
to the ardour of his love. We went once together to a ball
in the Haymarket, where, in the midst of a thousand fine
women, whose charms were enhanced by the peculiarity of the
dresses they wore, he remained unshaken, unseduced,
preserving his attachment for me in spite of all temptation.
"In the summer, he provided me with a house in the
neighbourhood of his own; but the accommodations being bad,
and that country affording no other place fit for my
residence, he brought me home to his own seat, and, by that
step, raised such a universal clamour; though I saw no
company, and led such a solitary life, that nothing but
excessive love could have supported my spirits. Not but that
he gave me as much of his time as he could possibly spare
from the necessary duties of paying and receiving visits,
together with the avocations of hunting, and other country
amusements, which I could not partake. Formerly, indeed, I
used to hunt and shoot, but I had left off both, so that I
was now reduced to the alternative of reading and walking by
myself; but love made up for all deficiencies to me, who
think nothing else worth the living for. Had I been blessed
with a partner for life, who could have loved sincerely, and
inspired me with a mutual flame, I would have asked no more
of fate. Interest and ambition have no share in my
composition; love, which is pleasure, or pleasure, which is
love, makes up the whole. A heart so disposed cannot be
devoid of other good qualities; it must be subject to the
impressions of humanity and benevolence, and enemy to
nothing but itself. This you will give me leave to affirm,
in justice to myself, as I have frankly owned my failings
and misconduct.
"Towards the end of summer, my heart was a little alarmed
by a report that prevailed, of my lover's being actually
engaged in a treaty of marriage; however, I gave little
credit to this rumour till I was obliged to go to town about
business, and there I heard the same information confidently
affirmed. Though I still considered it as a vague surmise, I
wrote to him an account of what I had heard; and, in his
answer, which is still in my possession, he assured me, with
repeated vows and protestations, that the report was
altogether false. Satisfied with this declaration, I
returned to his house; and, though the tale was incessantly
thundered in my ears, still believed it void of all
foundation, till my suspicion was awakened by a very
inconsiderable circumstance.
"One day, on his return from hunting, I perceived he had
a very fine pair of Dresden ruffles on his shirt, which I
could not suppose he would wear at such a rustic exercise;
and, therefore, my fears took the alarm. When I questioned
him about this particular of his dress, his colour changed;
and though he attempted to elude my suspicion, by imputing
it to a mistake of his servant, I could not rest satisfied
with this account of the matter, but inquired into the truth
with such eagerness and penetration, that he could not deny
he had been to make a visit. By degrees, I even extorted
from him a confession, that he had engaged himself further
than he ought to have proceeded, without making me
acquainted with his design, though he endeavoured to excuse
his conduct, and pacify my displeasure, by saying, that the
affair would not be brought to bear for a great while, and,
perhaps, might never come to a determination but he was in
great confusion, and, indeed, hardly knew what he said.
"I would have quitted his house that moment, had not he
beforehand obtained a promise that I would take no rash
resolution of that kind, and put it out of my power to
procure any method of conveyance by which I could make my
retreat. I gave no vent to reproaches, but only upbraided
him with his having permitted me to return, in ignorance, to
the country, after I was once fairly gone; upon which he
swore that he could not bear the thoughts of parting with
me. This declaration was a mystery at that time, but I have
been since so fully satisfied of his reasons for his
conduct, that I heartily acquit him of all injustice to me.
And, indeed, it is my sincere opinion, that, if ever young
man deserved to be happy, he is certainly entitled to that
privilege; and, if I may be allowed to judge, has a heart
susceptible of the most refined enjoyment.
"The violence of the grief and consternation which I
suffered from this stroke having a little subsided, I
deliberated with myself about the measures I should take,
and determined to leave his house some day when he should be
abroad. I was encouraged in this resolution by the advice of
our Scotch friend, who came about this time from London, on
a visit to his fellow-traveller. We thought such an abrupt
departure would be less shocking than to stay and take a
formal leave of my lover, whose heart was of such a delicate
frame, that, after I told him I should one day withdraw
myself in his absence, he never came home from the chase, or
any other avocation, without trembling with apprehension
that I had escaped.
"After he had been some time accustomed to these fears by
my previous intimation, I at length decamped in good
earnest, though my heart ached upon the occasion, because I
left him loving and beloved; for his affection was evident,
notwithstanding the step he had taken by the advice and
importunity of all his relations, who laid a disagreeable
restraint upon his inclinations, while they consulted his
interest in every other particular.
"While I halted in the next great town, until I could be
supplied with fresh horses, I was visited by a gentleman who
had been formerly intimate with my lover; but a breach had
happened in their friendship, and he now came to complain of
the treatment he had received. Perceiving that I was not in
a humour to listen to his story, he shifted the conversation
to my own, and observed, that I had been extremely ill-used.
I told him that I was of a different opinion; that it was
not only just, but expedient, that a young man of Mr. —'s
fortune should think of making some alliance to strengthen
and support the interest of his family; and that I had
nothing to accuse him of but his letting me remain so long
in ignorance of his intention. He then gave me to
understand, that I was still ignorant of a great part of the
ill-usage I had received; affirming, that, while I lived in
his house, he had amused himself with all the common women
in that town, to some of whom this gentleman had personally
introduced him.
"At first, I could not believe this imputation; but he
supported his assertion with so many convincing
circumstances, that I could no longer doubt the truth of
them; and I felt so much resentment, that my love vanished
immediately into air. Instead of proceeding on my journey to
London, I went back a considerable way, and sent a message
desiring to see him in a little house, about midway between
his own habitation and the town from whence I came. He
obeyed my summons, and appeared at the place appointed,
where I reproached him with great bitterness. He pleaded
guilty to the charge, so far as acknowledging that he had
corresponded with other women lately, in order to get the
better of his affection for me, but the experiment had
failed, and he found that he should be for ever miserable.
"I did not look upon this candid confession as a
sufficient atonement for his past dissimulation, and, in the
sharpness of my revenge, demanded a settlement, which he
peremptorily refused; so that for the present we held each
other in the utmost contempt. Indeed, I afterwards despised
myself for my condescension, which was owing to the advice
of my companion, supported and inflamed by the spirit of
resentment. Nevertheless, he begged that I would return to
his house, or stay all night where I was; but I was deaf to
his entreaties, and, after a great deal of ironical civility
on my side, I took my leave, and went away; yet, before I
set out, I looked back, and saw him on horseback, with such
an air of simplicity and truth, as called up a profound
sigh, notwithstanding all that had passed in our
conversation.
"Upon my arrival in London, I took lodgings in
Leicester-fields, and answered a letter which I had some
months before received from my lord, telling him that I
would go home to him, without stipulating for any terms, to
try what effect my confidence would have upon his
generosity. He readily embraced the offer, and took a house
in St. James's-street, where I proposed to comply with his
humour in everything that was consistent with my own peace
and tranquility.
"Meanwhile, my lover passed his time very disagreeably in
the country, with his friend, of whom, it seems, he had
conceived some jealousy, which was increased by a letter I
wrote to that gentleman, till he was made acquainted with
the contents, which he read over forty times; and then his
passion breaking out with more violence than ever, he not
only expressed his feeling, in an epistle which I
immediately received, but when he came to town suffered such
agonies of despair as I had never seen before, except in
Lord B—. It was then in my power to have taken ample revenge
upon him, as well as upon my insolent rival, who had
insisted upon my leaving his house in a very abrupt manner,
though he absolutely refused to gratify her malice, for he
was now disposed to do anything for my satisfaction. But I
knew his worth, and had too much regard for his reputation
to advise him to act inconsistent with his honour.
"About this time, many tender feelings and sorrowful
partings happened between us, till the marriage knot was
tied, when he sent me a bank-note for a thousand pounds, by
way of specimen, as he called it, of his friendship, and of
what he would do for me, should I ever want his assistance.
This mark of his generosity I received in a most tender
billet, which I shall never part with, together with his
picture set in diamonds.
"I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my
lord; we lay in the same apartment, and for the first four
or five months I neither dined nor supped abroad above
twice; and then he knew where I was, and approved of my
company. But all this complacency and circumspection had no
effect upon his temper, which remained as capricious and
dissatisfied as ever. Nay, to such a provoking degree did
this unhappy humour prevail, that one day, in the presence
of his lawyer, he harangued upon my misconduct since our
last reunion; and very freely affirmed, that every step I
had taken was diametrically opposite to his will.
"Conscious of the pains I had been at to please him, I
was so incensed at these unjust invectives, that, starting
up, I told him he was a little dirty fellow; and would have
left the house immediately, had not his lawyer, and others,
who were in the room, interposed, and by dint of argument
and importunity diverted me from my purpose. By the bye, I
have been informed by a person of rank, that my lord
discovered exactly the same disposition in his father's
lifetime, and only changed the subject of his complaint from
the word father to that of wife. Indeed, he takes all
opportunities of plaguing my dear parent, as he has just
sagacity enough to know, that this is the most effectual way
he can take to distress me.
"After repeated trials, I have given up all hopes of
making him happy, or of finding myself easy in my situation,
and live with him at present to avoid a greater
inconvenience. Not that his ill-nature is all the grievance
of which I complain; exclusive of the personal disgust I
entertain for him, his folly is of that species which
disobliges rather than diverts, and his vanity and
affectation altogether intolerable; for he actually believes
himself, or at least would impose himself upon mankind, as a
pattern of gallantry and taste; and, in point of business. a
person of infinite sagacity and penetration. But the most
ridiculous part of his character is his pretended talent for
politics, in which he so deeply concerns himself, that he
has dismissed many a good servant, because he suspected him
of having wrong connections; a theme upon which he has often
quarrelled with me, even almost to parting, accusing me with
holding correspondence with the earls of B— and C—, and Mr.
H— V—, though I never had the least acquaintance with any of
these gentlemen, except the earl of C—, to whom I have not
spoken these ten years past.
"In short, I have often been at a loss to know, whether
he was more mad and malicious in those fits of enthusiasm,
wherein he seemed transported with zeal for the
commonwealth, and tormented me with his admonitions out of
all temper and patience. At length, however, I contrived an
expedient which freed me from these troublesome
expostulations, and silenced him effectually on the score of
politics. This was no other than an open avowal of being
connected with all those people whom I have named. Indeed, I
knew him too well to believe there was anything solid in his
intention or professions, even when he carried himself so
far as to demand a private audience of the k—, in order to
communicate a scheme for suppressing the rebellion; and that
being denied, solicited the duke of D—'s interest, for
permission to raise and head a regiment of Kentish
smugglers. Nay, to such a pitch did his loyalty soar, that
he purchased a firelock of particular mechanism, calculated
for the safety of the bearer, in case he had been placed
sentinel at his Majesty's door, and kept his horses ready
caparisoned, with a view of attending his sovereign to the
field. Notwithstanding all these pompous preparations, had
he been put to the proof, he would have infallibly crept out
of his engagements, through some sneaking evasion, his
imagination being very fertile in such saving pretences. Yet
he will talk sometimes so fervently, and even sensibly, on
the subject, that a stranger would mistake him for a man of
understanding, and determined zeal for the good of his
country.
"Since my last return to his house, that act of
parliament passed, by which he was enabled to pay his debts,
and, among the rest, a thousand pounds of my contracting,
the only burden of that kind I ever entailed upon him,
exclusive of my pin-money, which was never regularly paid;
nor would he have been subject to this, had he not, by his
persecution and pursuit, exposed me to an extraordinary
expense. I have also had it in my power to reward some of my
faithful Abigails; in particular, to relieve from extreme
distress that maid to whom, as I have already observed, Lord
B— granted an annuity, which she had sold: so that she was
reduced to the most abject poverty; and I found her in a
dismal hole, with two infants perishing for want; a
spectacle which drew tears from my eyes, and indeed could
not but make deep impression upon a heart like mine, which
the misery of my fellow-creatures never failed to melt.
"Nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and
fidelity of my other woman Mrs. S—, who, hearing I was
robbed in my passage through Flanders, had generously
relinquished the allowance I had settled upon her at
parting. The exercise of such acts of humanity and
benevolence, and the pleasure of seeing my dear and tender
parent often, in some measure alleviate the chagrin to which
I am subject from the disagreeable disposition of my lord,
who, consistent with his former inconsistency, upon our last
reconciliation, cheerfully agreed to a proposal I made of
having concerts in the house, and even approved of the
scheme with marks of particular satisfaction. But, before
one half of the winter was expired, he found means to banish
all the company, beginning with Lord R— B—, who, as he
walked up-stairs one evening, was stopped by a footman, who
plainly told him he had orders to say to him in particular,
that his lordship was not at home; yet the very next day,
perceiving that nobleman and me walking together in the
park, he joins us with an air of alacrity, as if no such
thing had happened, and even behaved to Lord R— with the
most fawning complaisance. His deportment was equally absurd
and impertinent to the rest of his friends, who forsook us
gradually, being tired of maintaining any friendly
communication with such a disagreeable composition of
ignorance and arrogance. For my own part, I look upon him as
utterly incorrigible; and, as fate has subjected me to his
power, endeavour to make the bitter draught go down, by
detaching myself as much as possible from the supposition
that there is any such existence upon earth. Indeed, if I
had not fatal experience to the contrary, I should be apt to
believe that such a character is not to be found among the
sons of men; because his conduct is altogether unaccountable
by the known rules and maxims of life, and falls entirely
under the poet's observation, when he says,
"'Tis true, no meaning puzzles more than wit."
Her ladyship having thus concluded her story, to the
entertainment of the company, and the admiration of
Peregrine, who expressed his astonishment at the variety of
adventures she had undergone, which was such as he thought
sufficient to destroy the most hardy and robust
constitution, and therefore infinitely more than enough to
overwhelm one of her delicate frame; one of the gentlemen
present roundly taxed her with want of candour, in
suppressing some circumstances of her life, which he thought
essential in the consideration of her character.
She reddened at this peremptory charge, which had an
evident effect upon the countenances of the whole audience,
when the accuser proceeded to explain his imputation, by
observing, that, in the course of her narration, she had
omitted to mention a thousand acts of uncommon charity, of
which he himself knew her to be guilty; and that she had
concealed a great many advantageous proposals of marriage,
which she might have accepted before she was engaged.
The company were agreeably undeceived by this
explanation; which her ladyship acknowledged in very polite
terms, as a compliment equally genteel and unexpected. And
our hero, after having testified the sense he had of her
complaisance and condescension, in regaling him with a mark
of her confidence and esteem, took his leave, and went home
in a state of confusion and perplexity; for, from the
circumstances of the tale he had heard, he plainly
perceived, that her ladyship's heart was too delicate to
receive such incense as he, in the capacity of an admirer,
could at present pay; because, though he had in some measure
abridged the empire of Emilia in his own breast, it was not
in his own power to restrain it so effectually, but that it
would interfere with any other sovereign whom his thoughts
should adopt; and unless Lady — could engross his whole
love, time, and attention, he foresaw that it would be
impossible for him to support the passion which he might
have the good fortune to inspire. He was, moreover, deterred
from declaring his love, by the fate of her former admirers,
who seemed to have been wound up to a degree of enthusiasm,
that looked more like the effect of enchantment, than the
inspiration of human attractions; an ecstasy of passion
which he durst not venture to undergo. He, therefore,
resolved to combat with the impressions he had already
received, and, if possible, cultivate her friendship without
soliciting her affection. But, before he could fix upon this
determination, he desired to know the footing on which he
stood in her opinion; and, by the intelligence of Crabtree,
obtained in the usual manner, understood that her sentiments
of him were very favourable, though without the least
tincture of love. He would have been transported with joy,
had her thoughts of him been of a more tender texture;
though his reason was better pleased with the information he
received; in consequence of which he mustered up the ideas
of his first passion, and set them in opposition to those of
this new and dangerous attachment; by which means he kept
the balance in equilibrio, and his bosom tolerably quiet.
CHAPTER LXXXII.
He persuades Cadwallader to assume the Character of a
Magician, in which he acquires a great Share of Reputation,
by his Responses to three Females of Distinction, who
severally consult the Researches of his Art.
His heart being thus, as it were, suspended between two
objects that lessened the force of each other's attraction,
he took this opportunity of enjoying some respite, and for
the present detached his sentiments from both, resolving to
indulge himself in the exercise of that practical satire
which was so agreeable and peculiar in his disposition. In
this laudable determination he was confirmed by the repeated
suggestions of his friend Cadwallader, who taxed him with
letting his talents rust in indolence, and stimulated his
natural vivacity with a succession of fresh discoveries in
the world of scandal.
Peregrine was now seized with a strange whim, and when he
communicated the conceit to Cadwallader, it in a moment
acquired his approbation. This notion he imparted in a
proposal to subject the town to their ridicule, by giving
responses to the character of a professed conjurer, to be
personated by the old misanthrope, whose aspect was
extremely well calculated for the purpose. The plan was
immediately adjusted in all its parts; an apartment hired in
a house accommodated with a public stair, so that people
might have free ingress and egress, without being exposed to
observation; and, this tenement being furnished with the
apparatus of a magician, such as globes, telescopes, a
magic-lanthorn, a skeleton, a dried monkey together with the
skins of an alligator, otter, and snake, the conjurer
himself took possession of his castle, after having
distributed printed advertisements containing the
particulars of his undertaking.
These bills soon operated according to the wish of the
projectors. As the price of the oracle was fixed at half a
guinea, the public naturally concluded that the author was
no common fortune-teller; and, the very next day, Peregrine
found some ladies of his quality acquaintance infected with
the desire of making an experiment upon the skill of this
new conjurer, who pretended to be just arrived from the
Mogul's empire, where he had learned the art from a Brachman
philosopher. Our young gentleman affected to talk of the
pretensions of this sage with ridicule and contempt, and
with seeming reluctance undertook to attend them to his
apartment, observing, that it would be a very easy matter to
detect the fellow's ignorance, and no more than common
justice to chastise him for his presumption. Though he could
easily perceive a great fund of credulity in the company,
they affected to espouse his opinion, and, under the notion
of a frolic, agreed that one particular lady should
endeavour to baffle his art, by appearing before him in the
dress of her woman, who should at the same time personate
her mistress, and be treated as such by our adventurer, who
promised to squire them to the place. These measures being
concerted, and the appointment fixed for the next
audience-day, Peregrine furnished his friend with the
necessary information, and, when the hour of assignation
arrived, conducted his charge to this oraculous seer.
They were admitted by our hero's valet-de-chambre, whose
visage, being naturally meagre and swarthy, was adorned with
artificial whiskers; so that he became the Persian dress
which he wore, and seemed a very proper master of the
ceremonies to an Oriental necromancer. Having crossed his
arms upon his breasts, with an inclination of the head, he
stalked in solemn silence before them into the penetralia of
the temple, where they found the conjurer sitting at a
table, provided with pen, ink, and paper, divers books,
mathematical instruments, and a long white wand lying across
the whole. He was habited in a black gown and fur cap. His
countenance, over and above a double proportion of
philosophic gravity, which he had assumed for the occasion,
was improved by a thick beard, white as snow, that reached
to his middle, and upon each shoulder sat a prodigious large
black cat which had been tutored for the purpose.
Such a figure, which would have startled Peregrine
himself, had not he been concerned in the mystery, could not
fail to make an impression upon those whom he accompanied.
The fictitious chambermaid, in spite of all her natural
pertness and vivacity, changed colour when she entered the
room, while the pretended lady, whose intellects were not
quite so enlightened, began to tremble in every joint, and
ejaculate petitions to Heaven for her safety. Their
conductor, advancing to the table, presented his offering,
and, pointing to the maid, told him, that lady desired to
know what would be her destiny in point of marriage. The
philosopher, without lifting up his eyes to view the person
in whose behalf he was consulted, turned his ear to one of
the sable familiars that purred upon his shoulder, and,
taking up the pen, wrote upon a detached slip of paper these
words, which Peregrine, at the desire of the ladies,
repeated aloud: "Her destiny will, in a great measure,
depend upon what happened to her about nine o'clock in the
morning on the third day of last December."
This sentence was no sooner pronounced, than the
counterfeit lady screamed, and ran into the ante-chamber,
exclaiming, "Christ have mercy upon us! Sure he is the devil
incarnate!" Her mistress, who followed her with great
consternation, insisted upon knowing the transaction to
which the response alluded; and Mrs. Abigail, after some
recollection, gave her to understand that she had an
admirer, who, on that very hour and day mentioned by the
cunning man, had addressed himself to her in a serious
proposal of marriage. This explanation, however, was more
ingenious than candid, for the admirer was no other than the
identical Mr. Pickle himself, who was a mere dragon among
the chambermaids, and, in his previous information
communicated to his associate, had given an account of this
assignation, with which he had been favoured by the damsel
in question.
Our hero seeing his company very much affected with the
circumstance of the wizard's art, which had almost
frightened both mistress and maid into hysteric fits,
pretended to laugh them out of their fears, by observing,
that there was nothing extraordinary in this instance of his
knowledge, which might have been acquired by some of those
secret emissaries whom such impostors are obliged to employ
for intelligence, or imparted by the lover himself, who had,
perhaps, come to consult him about the success of his amour.
Encouraged by this observation, or rather prompted by an
insatiable curiosity, which was proof against all sorts of
apprehension, the disguised lady returned to the magician's
own apartment, and, assuming the air of a pert chambermaid,
"Mr. Conjurer," said she, "now you have satisfied my
mistress, will you be as good as to tell me if ever I shall
be married?" The sage, without the least hesitation,
favoured her with an answer, in the following words: "You
cannot be married before you are a widow; and whether or not
that will ever be the case, is a question which my art
cannot resolve, because my foreknowledge exceeds not the
term of thirty years."
This reply, which at once cut her off from her pleasing
prospect of seeing herself independent in the enjoyment of
youth and fortune, in a moment clouded her aspect; all her
good-humour was overcast, and she went away, without further
inquiry, muttering in the rancour of her chagrin, that he
was a silly impertinent fellow, and a mere quack in his
profession. Notwithstanding the prejudice of this
resentment, her conviction soon recurred; and when the
report of his answers was made to those confederates by whom
she had been deputed to make trial of his skill, they were
universally persuaded that his art was altogether
supernatural, though each affected to treat it with
contempt, resolving in her own breast to have recourse to
him in private.
In the meantime, the maid, though laid under the most
peremptory injunctions of secrecy, was so full of the
circumstance which related to her own conduct, that she
extolled his prescience, in whispers, to all acquaintances,
assuring them, that he had told her all the particulars of
her life; so that his fame was almost instantaneously
conveyed, through a thousand different channels, to all
parts of the town; and, the very next time he assumed the
chair, his doors were besieged by curious people of all
sects and denominations.
Being an old practitioner in this art, Cadwallader knew
it would be impossible for him to support his reputation in
the promiscuous exercise of fortune-telling, because every
person that should come to consult him would expect a sample
of his skill relating to things past; and it could not be
supposed that he was acquainted with the private concerns of
every individual who might apply to him for that purpose.
He, therefore, ordered his minister, whom he distinguished
by the name of Hadgi Rourk, to signify to all those who
demanded entrance, that his price was half a guinea; and
that all such as were not disposed to gratify him with that
consideration, would do well to leave the passage free for
the rest.
This declaration succeeded to his wish; for this
congregation consisted chiefly of footmen, chambermaids,
prentices, and the lower class of tradesmen, who could not
afford to purchase prescience at such a price; so that,
after fruitless offers of shillings and half-crowns, they
dropped off one by one, and left the field open for
customers of a higher rank.
The first person of this species who appeared was dressed
like the wife of a substantial tradesman; but this disguise
could not screen her from the penetration of the conjurer,
who at first sight knew her to be one of the ladies of whose
coming he had been apprised by Peregrine, on the supposition
that their curiosity was rather inflamed than allayed by the
intelligence they had received from his first client. This
lady approached the philosopher with that intrepidity of
countenance so conspicuous in matrons of her dignified
sphere, and, in a soft voice, asked with a simper, of what
complexion her next child would be? The necromancer, who was
perfectly well acquainted with her private history,
forthwith delivered his response in the following question,
written in the usual form: "How long has Pompey the black
been dismissed from your ladyship's service?"
Endued as she was with a great share of that fortitude
which is distinguished by the appellation of effrontery, her
face exhibited some signs of shame and confusion at the
receipt of this oracular interrogation, by which she was
convinced of his extraordinary intelligence; and, accosting
him in a very serious tone, "Doctor," said she, "I perceive
you are a person of great abilities in the art you profess;
and therefore, without pretending to dissemble, I will own
you have touched the true string of my apprehensions. I am
persuaded I need not be more particular in my inquiries.
Here is a purse of money; take it, and deliver me from a
most alarming and uneasy suspense." So saying, she deposited
her offering upon the table, and waited for his answer, with
a face of fearful expectation, while he was employed in
writing this sentence for her perusal: "Though I see into
the womb of time, the prospect is not perfectly distinct:
the seeds of future events lie mingled and confused. So that
I am under the necessity of assisting my divination in some
cases, by analogy and human intelligence; and cannot
possibly satisfy your present doubts, unless you will
condescend to make me privy to all those occurrences which
you think might have interfered with the cause of your
apprehension."
The lady having read the declaration, affected a small
emotion of shyness and repugnance, and, seating herself upon
a settee, after having cautiously informed herself of the
privacy of the apartment, gave such a detail of the
succession of her lovers, as amazed, while it entertained,
the necromancer, as well as his friend Pickle, who, from a
closet in which he had concealed himself, overheard every
syllable of her confession. Cadwallader listened to her
story with a look of infinite importance and sagacity, and,
after a short pause, told her, that he would not pretend to
give a categorical answer, until he should have deliberated
maturely upon the various circumstances of the affair; but,
if she would take the trouble of honouring him with another
visit on his next public day, he hoped he should be able to
give her full satisfaction. Conscious of the importance of
her doubts, she could not help commending his caution, and
took her leave, with a promise of returning at the appointed
time. Then the conjurer being joined by his associate, they
gave a loose to their mirth, which having indulged, they
began to concert measures for inflicting some disgraceful
punishment on the shameless and insatiate termagant who had
so impudently avowed her own prostitution.
They were interrupted, however, in their conference, by
the arrival of a new guest, who being announced by Hadgi,
our hero retreated to his lurking-place, and Cadwallader
resumed his mysterious appearance. This new client, though
she hid her face in a mask, could not conceal herself from
the knowledge of the conjurer, who, by her voice, recognised
her to be an unmarried lady of his own acquaintance. She
had, within a small compass of time, made herself remarkable
for two adventures, which had not at all succeeded to her
expectation. Being very much addicted to play, she had, at a
certain rout, indulged that passion to such excess, as not
only got the better of her justice, but also of her
circumspection, so that she was unfortunately detected in
her endeavours to appropriate to herself what was not
lawfully her due. This small slip was attended with another
indiscretion, which had likewise an unlucky effect upon her
reputation. She had been favoured with the addresses of one
of those hopeful heirs who swarm and swagger about town,
under the denomination of bucks; and, in the confidence of
his honour, consented to be one of a party that made an
excursion as far as Windsor, thinking herself secured from
scandal by the company of another young lady, who had also
condescended to trust her person to the protection of her
admirer. The two gallants, in the course of this expedition,
were said to use the most perfidious means to intoxicate the
passions of their mistresses by mixing drugs with their
wine, which inflamed their constitutions to such a degree,
that they fell an easy sacrifice to the appetites of their
conductors, who, upon their return to town, were so base and
inhuman as to boast among their companions of the exploit
they had achieved. Thus the story was circulated, with a
thousand additional circumstances to the prejudice of the
sufferers, one of whom had thought proper to withdraw into
the country, until the scandal raised at her expense should
subside; while the other, who was not so easily put out of
countenance, resolved to outface the report, as a
treacherous aspersion, invented by her lover as an excuse
for his own inconstancy; and actually appeared in public, as
usual, till she found herself neglected by the greatest part
of her acquaintance.
In consequence of this disgrace, which she knew not
whether to impute to the card affair, or to the last faux
pas she had committed, she now came to consult the conjurer,
and signified her errand, by asking whether the cause of her
present disquiet was of the town or the country. Cadwallader
at once perceiving her allusion, answered her question in
these terms: "This honest world will forgive a young
gamester for indiscretion at play, but a favour granted to a
babbling coxcomb is an unpardonable offence." This response
she received with equal astonishment and chagrin; and, fully
convinced of the necromancer's omniscience, implored his
advice, touching the retrieval of her reputation: upon which
he counselled her to wed with the first opportunity. She
seemed so well pleased with his admonition, that she
gratified him with a double fee, and, dropping a low
curtsey, retired.
Our undertakers now thought it high time to silence the
oracle for the day, and Hadgi was accordingly ordered to
exclude all comers, while Peregrine and his friend renewed
the deliberations which had been interrupted, and settled a
plan of operations for the next occasion. Meanwhile it was
resolved that Hadgi should not only exercise his own
talents, but also employ inferior agents, in procuring
general intelligence for the support of their scheme; that
the expense of this ministry should be defrayed from the
profits of their professions; and the remainder be
distributed to poor families in distress.
CHAPTER LXXXIII.
Peregrine and his friend Cadwallader proceed in the Exercise
of the Mystery of Fortune-telling, in the course of which
they achieve various Adventures.
These preliminaries being adjusted, our hero forthwith
repaired to a card assembly, which was frequented by some of
the most notable gossips in town, and, having artfully
turned the conversation upon the subject of the
fortune-teller, whose talents he pretended to ridicule,
incensed their itch of knowing secrets to such a degree of
impatience, that their curiosity became flagrant, and he
took it for granted, that all or some of them would visit
Albumazar on his very first visiting-day. While Peregrine
was thus engaged, his associate made his appearance in
another convocation of fashionable people, where he soon had
the pleasure of hearing the conjurer brought upon the carpet
by an elderly gentlewoman, remarkable for her inquisitive
disposition, who, addressing herself to Cadwallader, asked,
by the help of the finger-alphabet, if he knew anything of
the magician that made such a noise in town. The misanthrope
answered, as usual, in a surly tone: "By your question you
must either take me for a pimp or an idiot. What, in the
name of nonsense, should I know of such a rascal, unless I
were to court his acquaintance with a view to feast my own
spleen, in seeing him fool the whole nation out of their
money? Though, I suppose, his chief profits arise from his
practice, in quality of pander. All fortune-tellers are
bawds, and, for that reason, are so much followed by people
of fashion. This fellow, I warrant, has got sundry
convenient apartments for the benefit of procreation; for it
is not to be supposed that those who visit him on the
pretence of consulting his supernatural art, can be such
fools, such drivellers, as to believe that he can actually
prognosticate future events."
The company, according to his expectation, imputed his
remarks to the rancour of his disposition, which could not
bear to think that any person upon earth was wiser than
himself; and his ears were regaled with a thousand instances
of the conjurer's wonderful prescience, for which he was
altogether indebted to fiction. Some of these specimens
being communicated to him by way of appeal to his opinion,
"They are," said he, "mere phantoms of ignorance and
credulity, swelled up in the repetition, like those
unsubstantial bubbles which the boys blow up in soap-suds
with a tobacco-pipe. And this will ever be the case in the
propagation of all extraordinary intelligence. The
imagination naturally magnifies every object that falls
under its cognizance, especially those that concern the
passions of fear and admiration; and when the occurrence
comes to be rehearsed, the vanity of the relater exaggerates
every circumstance in order to enhance the importance of the
communication. Thus an incident, which is but barely
uncommon, often gains such accession in its progress through
the fancies and mouths of those who represent it, that the
original fact cannot possibly be distinguished. This
observation might be proved and illustrated by a thousand
undeniable examples, out of which I shall only select one
instance, for the entertainment and edification of the
company." A very honest gentleman, remarkable for the
gravity of his deportment, was one day in a certain
coffee-house accosted by one of his particular friends, who,
taking him by the hand, expressed uncommon satisfaction in
seeing him abroad, and in good health, after the dangerous
and portentous malady he had undergone. Surprised at this
salutation, the gentleman replied, it was true he had been a
little out of order overnight, but there was nothing at all
extraordinary in his indisposition. "Jesu! not
extraordinary!" cried the other, "when you vomited three
black crows." This strange exclamation the grave gentleman
at first mistook for raillery, though his friend was no
joker; but, perceiving in him all the marks of sincerity and
astonishment, he suddenly changed his opinion, and, after a
short reverie, taking him aside, expressed himself in these
words: "Sir, it is not unknown to you that I am at present
engaged in a treaty of marriage, which would have been
settled long ago, had it not been retarded by the repeated
machinations of a certain person who professed himself my
rival. Now I am fully persuaded that this affair of the
three crows is a story of his invention, calculated to
prejudice me in the opinion of the lady, who, to be sure,
would not choose to marry a man who has a rookery in his
bowels; and, therefore, I must insist upon knowing the
author of this scandalous report, that I may be able to
vindicate my character from the malicious aspersion." His
friend, who thought the demand was very reasonable, told
him, without hesitation, that he was made acquainted with
the circumstances of his distemper by Mr. Such-a-one, their
common acquaintance: upon which the person who conceived
himself injured went immediately in quest of his supposed
defamer, and having found him: "Pray, sir," said he, with a
peremptory tone, "who told you that I vomited three black
crows?"—"Three?" answered the gentleman, "I mentioned two
only."—"Zounds! Sir," cried the other, incensed at his
indifference, "you will find the two too many, if you refuse
to discover the villainous source of such calumny." The
gentleman, surprised at his heat, said he was sorry to find
he had been the accidental instrument of giving him offence,
but translated the blame, if any there was, from himself to
a third person, to whose information he owed his knowledge
of the report. The plaintiff, according to the direction he
received, repaired to the house of the accused; and his
indignation being inflamed at finding the story had already
circulated among his acquaintance, he told him, with evident
marks of displeasure, that he was come to pluck the same
brace of crows which he said he had disgorged. The
defendant, seeing him very much irritated, positively denied
that he had mentioned a brace: "One indeed," said he, "I own
I took notice of, upon the authority of your own physician,
who gave me an account of it this morning."—"By the Lord!"
cried the sufferer, in a rage, which he could no longer
contain, "that rascal has been suborned by my rival to
slander my character in this manner: but I'll be revenged,
if there be either law or equity in England." He had scarce
pronounced these words, when the doctor happened to enter
the room: when his exasperated patient lifting up his cane,
"Sirrah," said he, "if I live, I'll make that black crow the
blackest circumstance of thy whole life and conversation."
The physician, confounded at this address, assured him that
he was utterly ignorant of his meaning, and, when the other
gentleman explained it, absolutely denied the charge,
affirming he had said no more than that he had vomited a
quantity of something as black as a crow. The landlord of
the house acknowledged that he might have been mistaken; and
thus the whole mystery was explained.
The company seeming to relish the story of the three
black crows, which they considered as an impromptu of
Cadwallader's own invention; but, granting it to be true,
they unanimously declared that it could have no weight in
invalidating the testimony of divers persons of honour, who
had been witnesses of the magician's supernatural skill. On
the next day of consultation, the necromancer being in the
chair, and his friend behind the curtain, the outward door
was scarce opened, when a female visitant flounced in, and
discovered to the magician the features of one of those
inquisitive ladies, whose curiosity, he knew, his
confederate had aroused in the matter above described. She
addressed herself to him with a familiar air, observing,
that she had heard much of his great knowledge, and was come
to be a witness of his art, which she desired him to
display, in declaring what he knew to be her ruling passion.
Cadwallader, who was no stranger to her disposition,
assumed the pen without hesitation, and furnished her with
an answer, importing, that the love of money predominated,
and scandal possessed the next place in her heart. Far from
being offended at his freedom, she commended his frankness
with a smile; and, satisfied of his uncommon talents,
expressed a desire of being better acquainted with his
person; nay, she began to catechise him upon the private
history of divers great families, in which he happened to be
well versed: and he, in a mysterious manner, dropped such
artful hints of his knowledge, that she was amazed at his
capacity, and actually asked if his art was communicable.
The conjurer replied in the affirmative; but, at the same
time, gave her to understand, that it was attainable by
those only who were pure and undefiled in point of chastity
and honour, or such as, by a long course of penitence, had
weaned themselves from all attachments to the flesh. She not
only disapproved, but seemed to doubt the truth of this
assertion; telling him, with a look of disdain, that his art
was not worth having, if one could not use it for the
benefit of one's pleasure; she had even penetration enough
to take notice of an inconsistency in what he had advanced;
and asked, why he himself exercised his knowledge for hire,
if he was so much detached from all worldly concerns. "Come,
come, doctor," added she, "you are in the right to be
cautious against impertinent curiosity, but, perhaps, I may
make it worth your while to be communicative."
These overtures were interrupted by a rap at the door,
signifying the approach of another client; upon which the
lady inquired for his private passage, through which she
might retire, without the risk of being seen. When she
understood he was deficient in that convenience, she
withdrew into an empty room adjoining to the
audience-chamber, in order to conceal herself from the
observation of the new-comer. This was no other than the
inamorata, who came, by appointment, to receive the solution
of her doubts; and the misanthrope, glad of an opportunity
to expose her to the censure of such an indefatigable
minister of fame as the person who he knew would listen from
the next apartment, laid her under the necessity of
refreshing his remembrance with a recapitulation of her
former confession, which was almost finished, when she was
alarmed by a noise at the door, occasioned by two gentlemen,
who attempted to enter by force.
Terrified at this uproar, which disconcerted the magician
himself, she ran for shelter into the place which was
preoccupied by the other lady, who, hearing this
disturbance, had closed the window-shutters, that she might
have the better chance of remaining unknown. Here they
ensconced themselves in the utmost consternation, while the
necromancer, after some recollection, ordered Hadgi to open
the door, and admit the rioters, who, he hoped, would be
over-awed by the authority of his appearance. The janitor
had no sooner obeyed his instructions, than in rushed a
young libertine, who had been for some time upon the town,
together with his tutor, who was a worn-out debauchee, well
known to the magician. They were both in that degree of
intoxication necessary to prepare such dispositions for what
they commonly call frolics, and the sober part of mankind
feel to be extravagant outrages against the laws of their
country, and the peace of their fellow-subjects. Having
staggered up to the table, the senior, who undertook to be
spokesman, saluted Cadwallader with, "How dost do, old
Capricorn? Thou seem'st to be a most venerable pimp, and, I
doubt not, hast abundance of discretion. Here is this young
whoremaster, a true chip of the old venereal block his
father, and myself, come for a comfortable cast of thy
function. I don't mean that stale pretence of conjuring—d—
futurity; let us live for the present, old Haly. Conjure me
up a couple of hale wenches, and I warrant we shall get into
the magic circle in a twinkling. What says Galileo? What
says the Reverend Brahe? Here is a purse, you pimp. Hark,
how it chinks! This is sweeter than the music of spheres."
Our necromancer, perplexed at this rencontre, made no
reply; but, taking up his wand, waved it around his head in
a very mysterious motion, with a view of intimidating these
forward visitants, who, far from being awed by this sort of
evolution, became more and more obstreperous, and even
threatened to pull him by the beard, if he would not
immediately comply with their desire. Had he called his
associate, or even Hadgi, to his aid, he knew he could have
soon calmed their turbulence; but, being unwilling to run
the risk of a discovery, or even of a riot, he bethought
himself of chastising their insolence in another manner,
that would be less hazardous, and rather more effectual. In
consequence of this suggestion, he pointed his wand towards
the door of the apartment in which the ladies had taken
sanctuary; and the two rakes, understanding the hint, rushed
in without hesitation.
The females, finding their place of retreat taken by
assault, ran about the room in great consternation, and were
immediately taken prisoners by the assailants, who, pulling
them towards the windows, opened the shutters at the same
instant of time, when, strange to tell! one of the heroes
discovered in the prize he had made, the very wife of his
bosom; and his companion perceived that he had stumbled in
the dark upon his own mother. Their mutual astonishment was
unspeakable at this eclaircissement, which produced a
universal silence for the space of several minutes. During
this pause, the ladies having recollected themselves, an
expostulation was begun by the elder of the two, who roundly
took her son to task for his disorderly life, which laid her
under the disagreeable necessity of watching his motions,
and detecting him in such an infamous place.
While the careful mother thus exercised her talent for
reprehension, the hopeful young gentleman, with a hand in
each fob, stood whistling an opera tune, without seeming to
pay the most profound regard to his parent's reproof; and
the other lady, in imitation of such a consummate pattern,
began to open upon her husband, whom she bitterly reproached
with his looseness and intemperance, demanding to know what
he had to allege in alleviation of his present misconduct.
The surprise occasioned by such an unexpected meeting, had
already, in a great measure, destroyed the effects of the
wine he had so plentifully drunk, and the first use he made
of his recovered sobriety, was to revolve within himself the
motives that could possibly induce his wife to give him the
rendezvous in this manner. As he had good reason to believe
she was utterly void of jealousy, he naturally placed this
rencontre to the account of another passion; and his chagrin
was not at all impaired by the effrontery with which she now
presumed to reprimand him. He listened to her, therefore,
with a grave, or rather grim, aspect; and to the question
with which she concluded her rebuke, answered, with great
composure, "All that I have to allege, madam, is, that the
bawd has committed a mistake, in consequence of which we are
both disappointed; and so, ladies, your humble servant." So
saying, he retired, with manifest confusion in his looks;
and, as he passed through the audience-chamber, eyeing the
conjurer askance, pronounced the epithet of precious rascal,
with great emphasis. Meanwhile, the junior, like a dutiful
child, handed his mamma to her chair; and the other client,
after having reviled the necromancer, because he could not
foresee this event, went away in a state of mortification.
The coast being clear, Peregrine came forth from his den,
and congratulated his friend upon the peaceable issue of the
adventure, which he had overheard; but, that he might not be
exposed to such inconvenience for the future, they resolved,
that a grate should be fixed in the middle of the outward
door, through which the conjurer himself might reconnoitre
all the visitants, before their admission; so that, to those
whose appearance he might not like, Hadgi should, without
opening, give notice, that his master was engaged. By this
expedient too, they provided against those difficulties
which Cadwallader must have encountered, in giving
satisfaction to strangers, whom he did not know: for the
original intention of the founders was to confine the
practice of their art to people of fashion only, most of
whom were personally known to the counterfeit magician and
his coadjutors.
Indeed these associates, Cadwallader in particular,
notwithstanding his boasted insight into the characters of
life, never imagined that his pretended skill would be
consulted by any but the weaker-minded of the female sex,
incited by that spirit of curiosity which he knew was
implanted in their nature; but, in the course of his
practice, he found himself cultivated in his preternatural
capacity by people of all sexes, complexions, and degrees of
reputation, and had occasion to observe, that, when the
passions are concerned, howsoever cool, cautious, and
deliberate the disposition may otherwise be, there is
nothing so idle, frivolous, or absurd, to which they will
not apply for encouragement and gratification. The last
occurrence, according to the hopes and expectation of the
confederates, was whispered about by the ladies concerned,
in such a manner, that the whole affair was in a few days
the universal topic of discourse, in which it was retailed
with numberless embellishments, invented by the parties
themselves, who had long indulged a pique at each other, and
took this opportunity of enjoying their revenge.
These incidents, while they regaled the spleen, at the
same time augmented the renown of the conjurer, who was
described on both sides as a very extraordinary person in
his way; and the alteration in his door was no sooner
performed, than he had occasion to avail himself of it,
against the intrusion of a great many, with whom he would
have found it very difficult to support the fame he had
acquired.
Among those who appeared at his grate, he perceived a
certain clergyman, whom he had long known a humble attendant
on the great, and with some the reputed minister of their
pleasures. This Levite had disguised himself in a greatcoat,
boots, and dress quite foreign to the habit worn by those of
his function; and, being admitted, attempted to impose
himself as a country squire upon the conjurer, who, calling
him by his name, desired him to sit down. This reception
corresponding with the report he had heard, touching our
magician's art, the doctor said he would lay aside all
dissimulation. After having professed an implicit belief,
that his supernatural knowledge did not proceed from any
communication with evil spirits, but was the immediate gift
of Heaven, he declared the intention of his coming, was to
inquire into the health of a good friend and brother of his,
who possessed a certain living in the country, which he
named; and, as he was old and infirm, to know what space of
time was allotted to him in this frail state of mortality,
that he might have the melancholy satisfaction of attending
him in his last moments, and assisting him in his
preparations for eternity.
The conjurer, who at once perceived the purport of this
question, after a solemn pause, during which he seemed
absorbed in contemplation, delivered this response to his
consulter: "Though I foresee some occurrences, I do not
pretend to be omniscient. I know not to what age that
clergyman's life will extend; but so far I can penetrate
into the womb of time, as to discern, that the incumbent
will survive his intended successor." This dreadful sentence
in a moment banished the blood from the face of the appalled
consulter, who, hearing his own doom pronounced, began to
tremble in every joint; he lifted up his eyes in the agony
of fear, and saying, "The will of God be done," withdrew in
silent despondence, his teeth chattering with terror and
dismay.
This client was succeeded by an old man about the age of
seventy-five, who, being resolved to purchase a lease,
desired to be determined in the term of years by the
necromancer's advice, observing, that, as he had no children
of his own body, and had no regard for his heirs-at-law, the
purchase would be made with a view to his own convenience
only; and therefore, considering his age, he himself
hesitated in the period of the lease, between thirty and
three-score years.
The conjurer, upon due deliberation, advised him to
double the last specified term, because he distinguished in
his features something portending extreme old age and second
childhood, and he ought to provide for that state of
incapacity, which other-wise would be attended with infinite
misery and affliction. The superannuated wretch,
thunderstruck with this prediction, held up his hands, and
in the first transports of his apprehension, exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy upon me! I have not wherewithal to purchase
such a long lease, and I have long outlived all my friends;
what then must become of me, sinner that I am, one hundred
and twenty years hence!" Cadwallader, who enjoyed his
terror, under pretence of alleviating his concern, told him
that what he had prognosticated did not deprive him of the
means which he and every person had in their power, to
curtail a life of misfortune; and the old gentleman went
away, seemingly comforted with the assurance, that it would
always be in his power to employ an halter for his own
deliverance.
Soon after the retreat of this elder, the magician was
visited by one of those worthies known among the Romans by
the appellation of haeredipetae, who had amassed a large
for-tune by a close attention to the immediate wants and
weakness of raw, inexperienced heirs. This honourable usurer
had sold an annuity upon the life of a young spendthrift,
being thereto induced by the affirmation of his physician,
who had assured him his patient's constitution was so
rotten, that he could not live one year to an end. He had,
nevertheless, made shift to weather eighteen months, and now
seemed more vigorous and healthy than he had ever been
known: for he was supposed to have nourished an hereditary
pox from his cradle. Alarmed at this alteration, the seller
came to consult Cadwallader, not only about the life of the
annuitant, but also concerning the state of his health at
the time of his purchasing the annuity, purposing to sue the
physician for false intelligence, should the conjurer
declare that the young man was sound when the doctor
pronounced him diseased. But this was a piece of
satisfaction he did not obtain from the misanthrope, who, in
order to punish his sordid disposition, gave him to
understand, that the physician had told him the truth, and
nothing but the truth; and that the young gentleman was in a
fair way of attaining a comfortable old age. "That is to
say," cried the client, in the impatience of his
mortification at this answer, "bating accidents; for, thank
God, the annuitant does not lead the most regular life.
Besides, I am credibly informed he is choleric and rash, so
that he may be concerned in a duel. Then there are such
things as riots in the street, in which a rake's skull may
be casually cracked; he may be overturned in a coach,
overset in the river, thrown from a vicious horse, overtaken
with a cold, endangered by a surfeit; but what I place my
chief confidence in, is an hearty pox, a distemper which
hath been fatal to his whole family. Not but that the issue
of all these things is uncertain, and expedients might be
found which would more effectually answer the purpose. I
know they have arts in India, by which a man can secure his
own interest, in the salutation of a friendly shake by the
hand; and I don't doubt that you, who have lived in that
country, are master of the secret. To be sure, if you were
inclined to communicate such a nostrum, there are abundance
of people who would purchase it at a very high price."
Cadwallader understood this insinuation, and was tempted
to amuse him in such a manner as would tend to his disgrace
and confusion; but, considering that the case was of too
criminal a nature to be tampered with, he withstood his
desire of punishing this rapacious cormorant any other way
than by telling him he would not impart the secret for his
whole for-tune ten times doubled; so that the usurer
retired, very much dissatisfied with the issue of his
consultation.
The next person who presented himself at this altar of
intelligence, was an author, who recommended himself to a
gratis advice, by observing, that a prophet and poet were
known by the same appellation among the ancients; and that,
at this day, both the one and the other spoke by
inspiration. The conjurer refused to own this affinity,
which, he said, formerly subsisted, because both species of
the vates were the children of fiction; but as he himself
did not fall under that predicament, he begged leave to
disown all connection with the family of the poets; and the
poor author would have been dismissed without his errand,
though he offered to leave an ode as security for the
magician's fee, to be paid from the profits of his first
third night, had not Cadwallader's curiosity prompted him to
know the subject of this gentleman's inquiry. He therefore
told him, that, in consideration of his genius, he would for
once satisfy him without a fee; and desired him to specify
the doubts in which he wished to be resolved.
The son of Parnassus, glad of this condescension, for
which he thanked the necromancer, gave him to understand,
that he had some time before presented a play in manuscript
to a certain great man, at the head of taste, who had not
only read and approved the performance, but also undertaken
to introduce and support it on the stage; that he, the
author, was assured by this patron, that the play was
already, in consequence of his recommendation, accepted by
one of the managers, who had faithfully promised to bring it
to light; but that, when he waited on this said manager, to
know when he intended to put his production in rehearsal,
the man declared he had never seen or heard of the piece.
"Now, Mr. Conjurer," said he, "I want to know whether or not
my play has been presented, and if I have any sort of chance
of seeing it acted this winter."
Cadwallader, who had, in his younger days, sported among
the theatrical muses, began to lose his temper at this
question, which recalled the remembrance of his own
disappointments; and despatched the author with an abrupt
answer, importing that the affairs of the stage were
altogether without the sphere of his divination, being
entirely regulated by the daemons of dissimulation,
ignorance, and caprice.
It would be an endless task to recount every individual
response which our magician delivered in the course of his
conjuration. He was consulted in all cases of law, physic,
and trade, over and above the ordinary subjects of marriage
and fornication; his advice and assistance were solicited by
sharpers, who desired to possess an infallible method of
cheating unperceived; by fortune-hunters, who wanted to make
prize of widows and heiresses; by debauchees, who were
disposed to be with other men's wives; by coxcombs, who
longed for the death of their fathers; by wenches with
child, who wished themselves rid of their burdens; by
merchants, who had insured above value, and thirsted after
the news of a wreck; by underwriters, who prayed for the
gift of prescience, that they might venture money upon such
ships only as should perform the voyage in safety; by Jews,
who wanted to foresee the fluctuations of stock; by usurers,
who advance money upon undecided causes; by clients, who
were dubious of the honesty of their counsel. In short, all
matters of uncertain issue were appealed to this tribunal;
and, in point of calculation, De Moivre was utterly
neglected.
CHAPTER LXXXIV.
The Conjurer and his Associate execute a Plan of Vengeance
against certain Infidels who pretend to despise their Art;
and Peregrine achieves an Adventure with a young Nobleman.
By these means, the whole variety of characters
undisguised passed, as it were, in review before the
confederates, who, by divers ingenious contrivances,
punished the most flagrant offenders with as much severity
as the nature of their plan would allow. At length they
projected a scheme for chastising a number of their own
acquaintance, who had all along professed the utmost
contempt for the talent of this conjurer, which they
endeavoured to ridicule in all companies, where his
surprising art was the subject of discourse; not that they
had sense and discernment enough to perceive the absurdity
of his pretensions, but affected a singularity of opinions,
with a view of insulting the inferior understandings of
those who were deceived by such an idle impostor.
Peregrine, indeed, for obvious reasons, had always
espoused their judgment in this case, and joined them in
reviling the public character of his friend. But he knew how
far the capacities of those virtuosi extended, and had
frequently caught them in the fact of recounting their
exploits against the conjurer, which were the productions of
their own invention only. On these considerations, his wrath
was kindled against them, and he accordingly concerted
measures with his coadjutor, for overwhelming them with
confusion and dismay.
In the first place, a report was spread by his
emissaries, that the magician had undertaken to entertain
their view with the appearance of any person whom his
customers should desire to see, whether dead, or at the
distance of a thousand leagues. This extraordinary proposal
chancing to be the subject of conversation in a place where
most of those infidels were assembled, they talked of it in
the usual style, and some of them swore the fellow ought to
be pilloried for his presumption.
Our hero, seizing this favourable opportunity, acquiesced
in their remarks, and observed, with great vehemence, that
it would be a meritorious action to put the rascal to the
proof, and then toss him in a blanket for non-performance.
They were wonderfully pleased with this suggestion, and
forthwith determined to try the experiment; though, as they
understood the apparition would be produced to one only at a
time, they could not immediately agree in the choice of the
person who should stand the first brunt of the magician's
skill. While each of them severally excused himself from
this preference on various pretences, Peregrine readily
undertook the post, expressing great confidence of the
conjurer's incapacity to give him the least cause of
apprehension.
This point being settled, they detached one of their
number to Crabtree, in order to bespeak and adjust the hour
and terms of the operation, which he insisted upon
performing at his own apartment, where everything was
prepared for the occasion. At the appointed time, they went
thither in a body, to the number of seven, in full
expectation of detecting the impostor; and were received
with such gloomy formality, as seemed to have an effect upon
the countenances of some among them; though they were
encouraged by the vivacity of Pickle, who affected a double
share of petulance, for the more effectual accomplishment of
his purpose.
Cadwallader made no reply to the interrogations they
uttered, in the levity of their insolence, at the first
entrance, but ordered Hadgi to conduct them through the next
room, that they might see there was no previous apparatus to
affright their deputy with objects foreign to his
undertaking. They found nothing but a couple of wax tapers
burning on a table that stood with a chair by it in the
middle of the apartment, and returned to the
audience-chamber, leaving Peregrine by himself, to encounter
the phantom of that person whom they should, without his
knowledge, desire the magician to conjure up to his view.
All the doors being shut and the company seated, a
profound silence ensued, together with a face of dreadful
expectation, encouraged by the blue flame of the candles,
which were tipped with sulphur for that purpose, and
heightened by the dismal sound of a large bell, which Hadgi
tolled in the ante-chamber. Cadwallader having thus
practised upon their ignorance and fear, desired them to
name the person to be produced. After some whispers among
themselves, one of them took the pen, and, writing the name
of Commodore Trunnion upon a slip of paper, put it into the
hands of the magician, who rose from his seat, and, opening
the door of his closet, displayed to their view a skull,
with thigh bones crossed, upon a table covered with black
cloth.
This melancholy spectacle made a remarkable impression
upon the imaginations of the company, already prepossessed
by the previous ceremony; and they began to survey one
another with looks of consternation, while Cadwallader,
shutting himself in the closet, that was contiguous to the
chamber in which his friend Peregrine was stationed, thrust
the label with his uncle's name through a small chink in the
partition according to agreement, muttering at the time a
sort of gibberish, that increased the panic of his audience;
then returning to his chair, the knell was tolled again, and
Pickle called aloud, "D—n your mummery: why don't you
despatch?"
This was a signal to Crabtree, who thus certified of his
having received the paper, stood up and waved his wand in
the figure of an S. The motion being thrice performed, their
ears were all of a sudden invaded by a terrible noise in the
next room, accompanied with the voice of Peregrine, who
exclaimed, in a tone of horror and amazement, "Guard me,
Heaven! my Uncle Trunnion!" This ejaculation had such an
effect upon the hearers, that two of them swooned with fear,
a third fell upon his knees and prayed aloud, while the
other three, in a transport of dismay and distraction, burst
open the door, and rushed into the haunted chamber, where
they found the table and chair overturned, and Peregrine
extended, in all appearance without sense or motion, upon
the floor.
They immediately began to chafe his temples, and the
first symptom of his recovery which they perceived was a
hollow groan; after which he pronounced these words:
"Merciful powers! if I live I saw the commodore with his
black patch, in the very clothes he wore at my sister's
wedding." This declaration completed their astonishment and
terror; they observed a wildness in his looks, which he
seemed to bend on something concealed from their view; and
were infected by his appearance to such a pitch of
superstition, that it would have been an easy matter to
persuade them that the chair and table were apparitions of
their forefathers. However, they conducted Peregrine into
the council chamber, where the conjurer and Hadgi were
employed in ministering to those who had fainted.
The patients having retrieved the use of their faculties,
Cadwallader, assuming a double portion of severity in his
aspect, asked if they were not ashamed of their former
incredulity; declaring, that he was ready to give them more
convincing proofs of his art upon the spot, and would
immediately recall three generations of their progenitors
from the dead, if they were disposed to relish such company.
Then turning to one of them, whose grandfather had been
hanged, "Are you," said he, "ambitious of seeing the first
remarkable personage of your family? Say the word and he
shall appear."
This youth, who had been the most insolent and
obstreperous in the whole society, and was now depressed
with the same proportion of fear, alarmed at the proposal,
assured the magician he had no curiosity of that sort
remaining; and that what he had already seen would, he
hoped, have a good effect upon his future life and
conversation. Every one of these heroes made an
acknowledgment and profession of the same kind, some of
which were attended with tears; and Hadgi having provided
chairs for the whole company, they departed exceedingly
crest-fallen. Two of the number actually sickened with the
agitation they had undergone, while our hero and his
associate made themselves merry with the success of their
enterprise.
But this scheme of fortune-telling did not engross his
whole attention; he still continued to maintain his
appearance in the beau monde; and, as his expense far
exceeded his income, strove to contract intimacies with
people of interest and power; he showed himself regularly at
court, paid his respects to them in all places of public
diversion, and frequently entered into their parties, either
of pleasure or cards. In the course of this cultivation, he
happened one evening, at a certain chocolate-house, to
overlook a match of piquet, in which he perceived a couple
of sharpers making a prey of a young nobleman, who had
neither temper nor skill sufficient to cope with such
antagonists.
Our hero, being a professed enemy to all knights of
industry, could not bear to see them cheat in public with
such insolent audacity. Under pretence of communicating some
business of importance, he begged the favour of speaking to
the young gentleman in another corner of the room, and in a
friendly manner cautioned him against his opponents. This
hot-headed representative, far from thinking or owning
himself obliged to Pickle for his good counsel, looked upon
his advice as an insult upon his understanding; and replied,
with an air of ferocious displeasure, that he knew how to
take care of his own concerns, and would not suffer either
him or them to bubble him out of a shilling.
Peregrine, offended at the association, as well as at the
ingratitude and folly of this conceited coxcomb, expressed
his resentment, by telling him, that he expected at least an
acknowledgment for his candid intention; but he found his
intellects too much warped by his vanity to perceive his own
want of capacity and experience. Inflamed by this reproof,
the young nobleman challenged him to play for five hundred
pounds, with many opprobrious, or at least contemptuous
terms of defiance, which provoked our hero to accept the
proposal. After the other had disengaged himself from the
old rooks, who were extremely mortified at the interruption,
the two young champions sat down, and fortune acting with
uncommon impartiality, Pickle, by the superiority of his
talents, in two hours won to the amount of as many thousand
pounds, for which he was obliged to take his antagonist's
note, the sharpers having previously secured his ready
money.
Frantic with his loss, the rash young man would have
continued the game, and doubled stakes every time; so that
Peregrine might have increased his acquisition to ten times
the sum he had gained; but he thought he had already
sufficiently chastised the presumption of the challenger,
and was unwilling to empower fortune to ravish from him the
fruits of his success; he therefore declined my lord's
proposal, unless he would play for ready money; and his
lordship having in vain tried his credit among the company,
our adventurer withdrew, leaving him in an ecstasy of rage
and disappointment.
As the insolence of his behaviour had increased with his
ill-luck, and he had given vent to divers expressions which
Peregrine took amiss, our young gentleman resolved to
augment his punishment, by teasing him with demands which
could not, he knew, be immediately satisfied; and next day
sent Pipes to his father's house with the note, which was
drawn payable upon demand. The debtor, who had gone to bed
half-distracted with his misfortune, finding himself waked
with such a disagreeable dun, lost all patience, cursed
Pickle, threatened his messenger, blasphemed with horrible
execrations, and made such a noise as reached the ears of
his father, who, ordering his son to be called into his
presence, examined him about the cause of that uproar, which
had disturbed the whole family. The young gentleman, after
having essayed to amuse him with sundry equivocations, which
served only to increase his suspicion and desire of knowing
the truth, acknowledged that he had lost some money
overnight at cards, to a gamester who had been so
impertinent as to send a message, demanding it that morning,
though he had told the fellow that it would not suit him to
pay him immediately. The father, who was a man of honour,
reproached him with great severity for his profligate
behaviour in general, and this scandalous debt in
particular, which he believed to be some trifle; then giving
him a bank-note for five hundred pounds, commanded him to go
and discharge it without loss of time. This well-principled
heir took the money; but, instead of waiting upon his
creditor, he forthwith repaired to the gaming-house, in
hopes of retrieving his loss; and, before he rose from the
table, saw his note mortgaged for seven-eighths of its
value.
Meanwhile, Pickle, incensed at the treatment which his
servant had received, and informed of his lordship's second
loss, which aggravated his resentment, determined to
preserve no medium; and, taking out a writ the same day, put
it immediately in execution upon the body of his debtor,
just as he stepped into his chair at the door of White's
chocolate-house. The prisoner, being naturally fierce and
haughty, attempted to draw upon the bailiffs, who disarmed
him in a twinkling; and this effort served only to heighten
his disgrace; which was witnessed by a thousand people, most
of whom laughed very heartily at the adventure of a lord's
being arrested.
Such a public transaction could not long escape the
knowledge of his father, who that very day had the
satisfaction to hear that his son was in a spunging-house.
In consequence of this information, he sent his steward to
learn the particulars of the arrest, and was equally
offended, surprised, and concerned, when he understood the
nature of the debt, which he imagined his son had already
discharged. Unwilling to pay such a considerable sum for a
spendthrift, whom he had but too much indulged, and who in
less than one week might involve himself in such another
difficulty, the old gentleman wrote a letter to Peregrine,
representing what a hardship it would be upon him to forfeit
such sums by the indiscretion of a son, whose engagements he
was not bound to fulfil, and desiring some mitigation in his
demand, as it was not a debt contracted for value received,
but incurred without subjecting him to the least damage or
inconvenience.
Our adventurer no sooner received this letter, than he
went in person to wait upon the author, to whom he, in a
candid manner, related the particular circumstances of the
match, together with the ingratitude and audacity of his
son, which he owned had stimulated him to such measures as
he otherwise would have scorned to take. The nobleman
acknowledged that the revenge was hardly adequate to the
provocation, and condemned the conduct of his son with such
justice and integrity, as disarmed Peregrine of his
resentment, and disposed him to give an undoubted proof of
his own disinterestedness, which he immediately exhibited,
by producing the note, and tearing it to pieces, after
having assured his lordship that the writ should be
withdrawn, and the prisoner discharged before night.
The earl, who perfectly well understood the value of
money, and was no stranger to the characters of mankind,
stood amazed at the sacrifice, which Pickle protested was
offered by his esteem for his lordship; and, after having
complimented him upon his generosity, in a very uncommon
strain of encomium, begged the favour of his acquaintance,
and insisted upon his dining with him next day. The youth,
proud of having met with such an opportunity to distinguish
himself, in less than an hour performed every article of his
promise; and in the morning was visited by the debtor, who
came, by the express order of his father, to thank him for
the obligation under which he was laid, and to ask pardon
for the offence he had given.
This condescension was very glorious for our hero, who
graciously received his submission, and accompanied him to
dinner, where he was caressed by the old earl with marks of
particular affection and esteem. Nor was his gratitude
confined to exterior civility; he offered him the use of his
interest at court, which was very powerful, and repeated his
desire of serving him so pressingly, that Peregrine thought
he could not dispense with the opportunity of assisting his
absent friend Godfrey, in whose behalf he begged the
influence of his lordship.
The earl, pleased with this request, which was another
proof of the young gentleman's benevolence, said, he would
not fail to pay the utmost regard to his recommendation; and
in six weeks a captain's commission was actually signed for
the brother of Emilia, who was very agreeably surprised at
the intimation he received from the War Office, though he
was utterly ignorant of the canal through which he obtained
that promotion.
CHAPTER LXXXV.
Peregrine is celebrated as a Wit and Patron, and proceeds to
entertain himself at the Expense of whom it did concern.
In the meantime, Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes
of life, and, as I have already observed, had divers
opportunities of profiting in the way of marriage, had not
his ambition been a little too inordinate, and his heart
still biased by a passion, which all the levity of youth
could not balance, nor all the pride of vanity overcome. Nor
was our hero unmarked in the world of letters and taste; he
had signalized himself in several poetical productions, by
which he had acquired a good share of reputation: not that
the pieces were such as ought to have done much honour to
his genius; but any tolerable performance from a person of
his figure and supposed fortune, will always be considered
by the bulk of readers as an instance of astonishing
capacity; though the very same production, ushered into the
world with the name of an author in less affluent
circumstances would be justly disregarded and despised; so
much is the opinion of most people influenced and overawed
by ridiculous considerations.
Be this as it will, our young gentleman was no sooner
distinguished as an author, than he was marked out as a
patron by all the starving retainers to poetry; he was
solemnised in odes, celebrated in epigrams, and fed with the
milk of soft dedication. His vanity even relished this
incense; and, though his reason could not help despising
those that offered it, not one of them was sent away unowned
by his munificence. He began to think himself, in good
earnest, that superior genius which their flattery had
described; he cultivated acquaintance with the wits of
fashion, and even composed in secret a number of bon-mots,
which he uttered in company as the impromptus of his
imagination. In this practice, indeed, he imitated some of
the most renowned geniuses of the age, who, if the truth
were known, have laboured in secret, with the sweat of their
brows, for many a repartee which they have vended as the
immediate production of fancy and expression. He was so
successful in this exercise of his talents, that his fame
actually came in competition with that great man who had
long sat at the helm of wit; and, in a dialogue that once
happened between them, on the subject of a corkscrew,
wherein the altercation was discharged, according to Bayes,
slap for slap, dash for dash, our hero was judged to have
the better of his lordship, by some of the minor satellites,
that commonly surround and reflect the rays of such mighty
luminaries.
In a word, he dipped himself so far in these literary
amusements, that he took the management of the pit into his
direction, putting himself at the head of those critics who
call themselves the town; and in that capacity chastised
several players, who had been rendered insolent and
refractory by unmerited success. As for the new productions
of the stage, though generally unspirited and insipid, they
always enjoyed the benefit of his influence and protection;
because he never disliked the performance so much as he
sympathized with the poor author, who stood behind the
scenes in the most dreadful suspense, trembling, as it were,
on the very brink of damnation. Yet, though he extended his
generosity and compassion to the humble and needy, he never
let slip one opportunity of mortifying villainy and
arrogance. Had the executive power of the legislature been
vested in him, he would have doubtless devised strange
species of punishment for all offenders against humanity and
decorum; but, restricted as he was, he employed his
invention in subjecting them to the ridicule and contempt of
their fellow-subjects.
It was with this view he set on foot the scheme of
conjuration, which was still happily carried on, and made
use of the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader; though he
sometimes converted this advantage to the purposes of
gallantry, being, as the reader may have perceived, of a
very amorous complexion. He not only acted the reformer, or
rather the castigator, in the fashionable world, but also
exercised his talents among the inferior class of people,
who chanced to incur his displeasure. One mischievous plan
that entered our hero's imagination was suggested by two
advertisements published in the same paper, by persons who
wanted to borrow certain sums of money, for which they
promised to give undeniable security. Peregrine, from the
style and manner of both, concluded they were written by
attorneys, a species of people for whom he entertained his
uncle's aversion. In order to amuse himself and some of his
friends with their disappointment, he wrote a letter signed
A. B. to each advertiser, according to the address specified
in the newspaper, importing, that if he would come with his
writings to a certain coffee-house near the Temple,
precisely at six in the evening, he would find a person
sitting in the right-hand box next to the window, who would
be glad to treat with him about the subject of his
advertisement; and, should his security be liked, would
accommodate him with the sum which he wanted to raise.
Before the hour of this double appointment, Pickle, with his
friend Cadwallader, and a few more gentlemen, to whom he had
thought proper to communicate the plan, went to the
coffee-house, and seated themselves near the place that was
destined for their meeting.
The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon
their punctuality, that one of them arrived a considerable
time before the hour; and having reconnoitred the room, took
his station according to the direction he had received,
fixing his eye upon a dock that stood before him, and asking
of the barkeeper, if it was not too slow. He, had not
remained in this posture many minutes, when he was joined by
a strange figure that waddled into the room, with a bundle
of papers in his bosom, and the sweat running over his nose.
Seeing a man in the box to which he had been directed, he
took it for granted that he was the lender; and as soon as
he could recover his breath, which was almost exhausted by
the despatch he had made, "Sir," said he, "I presume you are
the gentleman I was to meet about that loan." Here he was
interrupted by the other, who eagerly replied, "A. B., sir,
I suppose." "The same," cried the last-comer: "I was afraid
I should be too late; for I was detained beyond my
expectation by a nobleman at the other end of the town, that
wants to mortgage a small trifle of his estate, about a
thousand a year; and my watch happens to be in the hands of
the maker, having met with an accident a few nights ago,
which set it asleep. But, howsomever, there is no time lost,
and I hope this affair will be transacted to the
satisfaction of us both. For my own part, I love to do good
offices myself, and therefore I expect nothing but what is
fair and honest of other people."
His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this
declaration, which he considered as a happy omen of his
success; and the hope of fingering the cash operated visibly
in his countenance, while he expressed his satisfaction at
meeting with a person of such candour and humanity. "The
pleasure," said he, "of dealing with an easy conscientious
man is, in my opinion, superior to that of touching all the
money upon earth; for what joy can be compared with what a
generous mind feels in befriending its fellow-creatures? I
was never so happy in my life, as at one time, in lending
five hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman in distress,
without insisting upon rigid security. Sir, one may easily
distinguish an upright man by his countenance: for example
now, I think I could take your word for ten thousand
pounds." The other, with great joy, protested, that he was
right in his conjecture, and returned the compliment a
thousand-fold; by which means, the expectation of both was
wound up to a very interesting pitch; and both, at the same
instant, began to produce their papers, in the untying of
which their hands shook with transports of eagerness and
impatience; while their eyes were so intent upon their work,
that they did not perceive the occupation of each other.
At length, one of them, having got the start of the
other, and unrolled several skins of musty parchment,
directed his view to the employment of his friend; and,
seeing him fumbling at his bundle, asked if that was a blank
bond and conveyance which he had brought along with him. The
other, without lifting up his eyes, or desisting from his
endeavours to loose the knot, which by this time he had
applied to his teeth, answered this question in the
negative, observing that the papers in his hand were the
security which he proposed to give for the money. This reply
converted the looks of the inquirer into a stare of infinite
solidity, accompanied with the word Anan! which he
pronounced in a tone of fear and astonishment. The other,
alarmed at this note, cast his eyes towards the supposed
lender, and was in a moment infected by his aspect. All the
exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes was now
succeeded by disappointment and dismay; and while they gazed
ruefully at each other, their features were gradually
elongated, like the transient curls of a Middle-row periwig.
This emphatic silence was, however, broken by the
last-comer, who, in a faltering accent, desired the other to
recollect the contents of his letter. "Of your letter!"
cried the first, putting into his hand the advertisement he
had received from Pickle; which he had no sooner perused,
than he produced his own for the satisfaction of the other
party. So that another gloomy pause ensued, at the end of
which, each uttered a profound sigh, or rather groan, and,
rising up, sneaked off without further communication, he who
seemed to be the most afflicted of the two, taking his
departure, with an exclamation of "Humbugged, egad!"
Such were the amusements of our hero, though they did not
engross his whole time, some part of which was dedicated to
nocturnal riots and revels, among a set of young noblemen,
who had denounced war against temperance, economy, and
common sense, and were indeed the devoted sons of tumult,
waste, and prodigality. Not that Peregrine relished those
scenes, which were a succession of absurd extravagance,
devoid of all true spirit, taste, or enjoyment. But his
vanity prompted him to mingle with those who are entitled
the choice spirits of the age; and his disposition was so
pliable, as to adapt itself easily to the measures of his
company, where he had not influence enough to act in the
capacity of a director. Their rendezvous was a certain
tavern, which might be properly styled the temple of excess,
where they left the choice of their fare to the discretion
of the landlord, that they might save themselves the pains
of exercising their own reason; and, in order to avoid the
trouble of adjusting the bill, ordered the waiter to declare
how much every individual must pay, without specifying the
articles of the charge. This proportion generally amounted
to two guineas per head for each dinner and supper; and
frequently exceeded that sum; of which the landlord durst
not abate, without running the risk of having his nose slit
for his moderation.
But this was puny expense compared with that which they
often incurred, by the damage done to the furniture and
servants, in the madness of their intoxication, as well as
the loss they sustained at hazard, an amusement to which all
of them had recourse in the progress of their debauches.
This elegant diversion was introduced, encouraged, and
promoted by a crew of rapacious sharpers, who had made
themselves necessary companions to this hopeful generation,
by the talents of pimping and buffoonery. Though they were
universally known, even by those they preyed upon to have no
other means of earning their livelihood, than the most
infamous and fraudulent practices, they were caressed and
courted by these infatuated dupes, when a man of honour, who
would not join in their excesses, would have been treated
with the utmost indignity and contempt.
Though Peregrine, in his heart, detested those abandoned
courses, and was a professed enemy to the whole society of
gamesters, whom he considered, and always treated, as the
foes of humankind, he was insensibly accustomed to
licentious riot, and even led imperceptibly into play by
those cormorants, who are no less dangerous in the art of
cheating, than by their consummate skill in working up the
passions of unwary youth. They are, for the most part,
naturally cool, phlegmatic, and crafty, and, by a long habit
of dissimulation, have gained an absolute dominion over the
hasty passions of the heart; so that they engage with
manifest advantage over the impatience and impetuosity of a
warm undesigning temper, like that of our young gentleman,
who, when he was heated with wine, misled by example,
invited on one hand, and defied on the other, forgot all his
maxims of caution and sobriety, and, plunging into the
reigning folly of the place, had frequent occasions to
moralize in the morning upon the loss of the preceding
night. These penitential reflections were attended with many
laudable resolutions of profiting by the experience which he
had so dearly purchased; but he was one of those
philosophers who always put off till another day the
commencement of their reformation.
CHAPTER LXXXVI.
Peregrine receives a letter from Hatchway, in consequence of
which he repairs to the Garrison, and performs the last
Offices to his Aunt—He is visited by Mr. Gauntlet, who
invites him to his Marriage.
In this circle of amusements our hero's time was
parcelled out, and few young gentlemen of the age enjoyed
life with greater relish, notwithstanding those intervening
checks of reason, which served only to whet his appetite for
a repetition of the pleasures she so prudently condemned;
when he received the following letter, by which he was
determined to visit his estate in the country:
Cousin Pickle,—I hope you are in a better trim than your
aunt, who hath been fast moored to her bed these seven
weeks,
by several feet of under-water lodging in her hold and
hollop, whereby I doubt her planks are rotted, so that she
cannot choose but fall to pieces in a short time. I have
done all in my power to keep her tight and easy, and free
from sudden squalls that might overstrain her. And here
have been the doctors, who have scuttled her lower deck, and
let out six gallons of water. For my own part, I wonder how
the devil it came there; for you know as how it was a liquor
she never took in. But as for those fellows the doctors,
they
are like unskilful carpenters, that in mending one leak make
a couple; and so she fills again apace. But the worst sign
of
all is this here, she won't let a drop of Nantz go between
the combings of her teeth, and has quite lost the rudder of
her understanding, whereby she yaws woundily in her speech
palavering about some foreign part called the New
Geereusalem,
and wishing herself in a safe berth in the river Geordun.
The parson, I must say, strives to keep her steady,
concerning
the navigation of her soul, and talks very sensibly of
charity
and the poor, whereof she hath left a legacy of two hundred
pounds in her will. And here has been Mr. Gamaliel and your
brother my lord, demanding entrance at the gate, in order to
see her; but I would not suffer them to come aboard, and
pointed my patereroes, which made them sheer off. Your
sister,
Mrs. Clover, keeps close watch upon her kinswoman, without
ever turning in, and a kind-hearted young woman it is. I
should be glad to see you at the garrison, if the wind of
your
inclination sits that way; and mayhap it may be a comfort to
your aunt, to behold you alongside of her, when her anchor
is
apeak. So no more at present, but rests your friend and
humble
servant to command, "John Hatchway."
Next morning, after the receipt of this epistle,
Peregrine, in order to manifest his regard to his aunt, as
well as his friendship for honest Jack, set out on horseback
for their habitation, attended by Pipes, who longed to see
his old messmate; but before he had reached the garrison,
Mrs. Hatchway had given up the ghost, in the threescore and
fifth year of her age. The widower seemed to bear his loss
with resignation, and behaved very decently upon the
occasion, though he did not undergo those dangerous
transports of sorrow, which some tender-hearted husbands
have felt at the departure of their wives. The lieutenant
was naturally a philosopher, and so well disposed to
acquiesce in the dispensations of Providence, that in this,
as well as in every other emergency of his life, he firmly
believed, that everything which happened was for the best.
Peregrine's task, therefore, was not so great in
comforting him, as in consoling his own sister, who, with
great poignancy and sincerity of grief, lamented the death
of the only relation with whom she had maintained any
intimacy of correspondence; for her mother was as implacable
as ever, in her enmity against her and Peregrine, and rather
more determined in her rancour; that which was originally a
sudden transport of indignation, being by this time settled
into a confirmed inveteracy of hate. As for Gam, who was now
dignified by the country people with the appellation of the
young squire, he still acted in the capacity of minister to
the caprice and vengeance of his mother, taking all
opportunities of disturbing Julia's peace, slandering her
reputation, and committing outrages against the tenants and
domestics of her husband, who was a man of quiet and
timorous disposition.
But the chief amusement of young Pickle, in his later
years, was the chase, in which he acquired some renown by
his intrepidity and remarkable figure, which improved every
day in deformity; insomuch, as to suggest a ludicrous scheme
of revenge to a gentleman in the neighbourhood. Having been
affronted by the insolence of Crookback, he clothed a large
baboon that was in his possession, in a dress that resembled
the hunting equipage of Gam; and ordering the animal to be
set astride, and tied upon the back of his keenest hunter,
turned them out one day after the hounds. The horse in a
little time outstripping all the rest in the field, the
rider was mistaken for Gam by the whole company, who saluted
him as he passed with a halloo, observing, that the squire
had his usual good luck, in being better mounted than his
neighbours. Pickle afterwards appearing in his own person,
created great astonishment in the spectators, one of whom
asked if he had split himself in twain, and pointed out his
representative, who was, by this time, almost up with the
hounds. Upon which the identical Gam went in pursuit of the
impostor. When he overtook him, he was so much enraged at
the counterfeit, that he attacked the baboon whip in hand,
and, in all probability, would have sacrificed him to his
resentment, had not he been prevented by the other
fox-hunters. They interposed, in order to make up the
difference betwixt two brothers of the sport, and were
equally surprised and diverted when they distinguished the
quality of Crookback's antagonist, which they rescued from
his rage, and reconveyed to its master.
Peregrine, at the request of his friend Jack, took charge
of his aunt's funeral, to which his parents were invited,
though they did not think proper to appear, or pay the least
regard to his solicitations, when he desired permission to
wait upon them in person. Nevertheless, old Gamaliel, at the
instigation of his wife, afterwards obtained an order from
Doctors' Commons, obliging Hatchway to produce the will of
his wife, on the supposition that she had bequeathed to him
some part of the money, which, he knew, was at her own
disposal. But from this step he reaped no other satisfaction
than that of finding himself altogether neglected by the
testatrix, who had left all her effects to her husband,
except one thousand pounds, with her jewels, to Julia's
daughter, the benefaction mentioned in the lieutenant's
letter, and some inconsiderable legacies to her favourite
domestics.
A few days after the interment of this good lady, our
hero was agreeably surprised with a visit from his friend
Godfrey, who had come to England in consequence of that
promotion which he owed to his interest, though the soldier
himself placed it to the credit of a certain courtier who
had formerly promised to befriend him, and now finding his
advancement unowned, very modestly arrogated the merit of it
to himself. He communicated his good-fortune to Pickle, who
complimented him upon it as an event of which he had no
precognition; and at the same time told him, that, in
consequence of his preferment, his cousin at Windsor had
consented to his being immediately united in the bands of
wedlock with his lovely Sophy; that the wedding-day was
already fixed; and that nothing would be wanting to his
happiness, if Peregrine would honour the nuptials with his
presence.
Our hero accepted the invitation with great eagerness,
when he learned that Emilia would be there in quality of
bridesmaid; and now repeated what he had formerly written to
his friend, namely, that he was not only willing, but
extremely impatient to atone for his mad behaviour to that
young lady, by laying himself and his whole fortune at her
feet. Godfrey thanked him for his honourable intention, and
promised to use his influence, and that of Sophy, in his
behalf, though he seemed dubious of their success, on
account of his sister's delicacy which could not pardon the
least shadow of disrespect. He owned, indeed, he was not
certain that she would appear in the same company with
Pickle; but, as she made no stipulation on that score, he
would interpret her silence in the most favourable manner,
and keep her in ignorance of his design, until she should
find it too late to retract with any decency. The hope of
seeing and conversing with Emilia, and perhaps of being
reconciled to her, after having suffered so much and so long
from her displeasure, raised a tumult of ideas in his
breast, and produced a strange inquietude of joy and
perturbation. Gauntlet having stayed with him a few days,
and signified the time appointed for his spousals, took his
leave, in order to prepare for the occasion; while
Peregrine, with his friend Hatchway, made a tour among his
acquaintance in the country, with a view of sounding their
inclinations touching a project which he had lately
conceived, of offering himself as a candidate for a certain
borough in the neighbourhood, at the ensuing election for
members of parliament.
This scheme, which was suggested to him by one of his
quality patrons, would have succeeded according to his wish,
had the election taken place immediately; but, before that
happened, his interest was overbalanced by some small
accidents that will be recorded in the sequel. In the
meantime, he repaired to Windsor on the eve of his friend's
marriage, and understood from Godfrey that it was with the
utmost difficulty he and Sophy could prevail upon his sister
to be present at the wedding. when she was informed that her
lover was invited; and that her consent had not been
obtained until they had promised, on the part of Peregrine,
that he should not renew the old topic, nor even speak to
her in the style of a former acquaintance.
Our young gentleman was nettled at this preliminary, to
which, however, he said he would adhere; and so well did he
think himself fortified with pride and resentment, that he
resolved to behave towards her with such indifference, as
would, he hoped, mortify her vanity, and thereby punish her
for the implacability of her disposition. Armed with these
sentiments, he was next day introduced by Godfrey to the
bride, who received him with her usual sweetness of temper
and affability; and Emilia being present, he saluted her
with a distant bow, which she acknowledged with a cold
courtesy, and an aspect of ice. Though this deportment
confirmed his displeasure, her beauty undermined his
resolution; he thought her charms infinitely improved since
their last parting, and a thousand fond images recurring to
his imagination, he felt his whole soul dissolving into
tenderness and love.
In order to banish those dangerous ideas, he endeavoured
to enter into a gay conversation with Sophy, on the subject
of the approaching ceremony; but his tongue performed its
office awkwardly, his eyes were attracted towards Emilia, as
if they had been subject to the power of fascination; in
spite of all his efforts, a deep sigh escaped from his
bosom, and his whole appearance indicated anxiety and
confusion. The bridegroom, perceiving his condition,
abridged the visit, and having conducted his companion to
his own lodgings, expressed his concern at having been the
innocent occasion of his uneasiness, by exposing him to the
sight of Emilia, which he perceived had given him pain.
Peregrine, who had by this time recollected the dictates of
his pride, assured him, that he was very much mistaken in
the cause of his disorder, which was no other than a sudden
qualm, to which he had been for some time subject; and to
show him how philosophically he could bear the disdain of
Emilia, which, with all deference to her conduct, he could
not help thinking a little too severe, he desired, as the
bridegroom had made preparation for a private ball in the
evening, that he would provide him with an agreeable
partner; in which case he would exhibit undoubted proofs of
the tranquility of his heart. "I was in hopes," answered
Godfrey, "of being able, with the assistance of Sophy, to
make up matters between you and my sister, and for that
reason kept her unengaged to any other gentleman for the
night; but since she was so peevishly obstinate, I shall
take care to accommodate you with a very handsome young
lady, whose partner will not be sorry to exchange her for
Emilia."
The thoughts of having an opportunity to coquette with
another woman, under the eye of this implacable mistress,
supported his spirits during the ceremony, which put
Gauntlet in possession of his heart's desire; and, by means
of this cordial, he found himself so undisturbed at dinner,
though he sat opposite to his fair enemy, that he was able
to pass some occasional jokes upon the new-married couple,
with some appearance of mirth and good-humour. Nor did Emily
any otherwise seem affected by his presence, than by
excepting him from the participation of those genial regards
which she distributed to the rest of the company. This
easiness of behaviour on her side reinforced his resolution,
by giving him pretence to call her sensibility in question;
for he could not conceive how any woman of acute feelings
could sit unmoved in presence of a man with whom she had
such recent and intimate connection; not considering that
she had much more reason to condemn his affectation of
unconcern, and that her external deportment might, like his
own, be an effort of pride and resentment.
This contest, in point of dissimulation, continued till
night, when the company was paired for dancing, and
Peregrine began the ball by walking a minuet with the bride;
then he took out the young lady to whom he was recommended
by Gauntlet, being very well pleased to see that her person
was such as might have inspired even Emily herself with
jealousy, though, at the same time, he perceived his
mistress coupled with a gay young officer, whom, with all
due deference to his own qualifications, he considered as no
despicable rival. However, he himself first began
hostilities, by becoming all of a sudden particular with his
partner, whom he forthwith assailed with flattering
compliments, that soon introduced the subject of love, upon
which he expatiated with great art and elocution, using not
only the faculty of speech, but also the language of the
eyes, in which he was a perfect connoisseur.
This behaviour soon manifested itself to the whole
assembly, the greatest part of whom believed that he was in
good earnest captivated by the charms of his partner; while
Emilia, penetrating into his design, turned his own
artillery upon himself, by seeming to listen with pleasure
to the addresses of his rival, who was no novice in the art
of making love. She even affected uncommon vivacity, and
giggled aloud at every whisper which he conveyed into her
ear, insomuch that she, in her turn, afforded speculation to
the company, who imagined the young soldier had made a
conquest of the bridegroom's sister. Pickle himself began to
cherish the same opinion, which gradually invaded his
good-humour, and at length filled his bosom with rage. He
strove to suppress his indignation, and called every
consideration of vanity and revenge to his aid. He
endeavoured to wean his eyes from the fatal object that
disturbed him, but they would not obey his direction and
command. He wished himself deprived of all sensation, when
he heard her laugh, and saw her smile upon the officer; and,
in the course of country-dancing, when he was obliged to
join hands with her, the touch thrilled through all his
nerves, and kindled a flame within him which he could not
contain. In a word, his endeavours to conceal the situation
of his thoughts were so violent, that his constitution could
not endure the shock; the sweat ran down his forehead in a
stream, the colour vanished from his cheeks, his knees began
to totter, and his eyesight to fail; so that he must have
fallen at his full length upon the floor, had not he retired
very abruptly into another room, where he threw himself upon
a couch, and fainted.
In this condition he was found by his friend, who, seeing
him withdraw with such symptoms of disorder, followed him
thither; and, when he recovered the use of his faculties,
pressed him to make use of a bed in that house, rather than
expose himself in the night air, by going home to his own
lodgings; but not being able to prevail upon him to accept
the offer, he wrapped him up in a cloak, and, conducting him
to the inn where he lodged, helped him to undress and go to
bed, where he was immediately seized with a violent fit of
the ague. Godfrey behaved with great tenderness, and would
have actually borne him company all night, notwithstanding
the circumstances of his own situation, had not his friend
insisted upon his returning to the company, and making his
apology to his partner for his sudden departure. This was a
step absolutely necessary towards maintaining the quiet of
the assembly, which he found in great consternation,
occasioned by his absence; for some of the ladies, seeing
the bridegroom follow the stranger in his retreat, the
meaning of which they did not comprehend, began to be afraid
of a quarrel. Emilia, upon pretence of that supposition, was
so much alarmed, that she could not stand, and was fain to
have recourse to a smelling-bottle.
The bride, who understood the whole mystery, was the only
person that acted with deliberation and composure; she
imputed Emilia's disorder to the right cause, which was no
other than concern for the condition of her lover, and
assured the ladies there was nothing extraordinary in Mr.
Pickle's going off, he being subject to fainting fits, by
which he was often overtaken without any previous notice.
The arrival of Gauntlet confirmed the truth of this
declaration. He made an apology to the company in the name
of his friend, who, he told them, was suddenly taken ill;
and they returned to their diversion of dancing, with this
variation: Emilia was so disordered and fatigued, that she
begged to be excused from continuing the exercise; and
Peregrine's partner being disengaged, was paired with the
young officer, for whom she was originally designed.
Meanwhile, the bride withdrew into another apartment with
her sister, and expostulated with her upon her cruelty to
Mr. Pickle, assuring her, from Godfrey's information, that
he had undergone a severe fit on her account, which, in all
likelihood would have a dangerous effect upon his
constitution. Though Emily was inflexible in her answers to
the kind remonstrances of the gentle Sophy, her heart was
melting with the impressions of pity and love; and, finding
herself unable to perform the duty of her function, in
putting the bride to bed, she retired to her own chamber,
and in secret sympathized with the distemper of her lover.
In the morning, as early as decency would permit him to
leave the arms of his dear wife, Captain Gauntlet made a
visit to Peregrine, who had passed a very tedious and uneasy
night, having been subject to short intervals of delirium,
during which Pipes had found it very difficult to keep him
fast belayed. He owned indeed to Godfrey, that his
imagination had been haunted by the ideas of Emilia and her
officer, which tormented him to an unspeakable degree of
anguish and distraction; and that he would rather suffer
death than a repetition of such excruciating reflections. He
was, however, comforted by his friend, who assured him, that
his sister's inclinations would in time prevail over all the
endeavours of resentment and pride, illustrating this
asseveration by an account of the manner in which she was
affected by the knowledge of his disorder, and advising him
to implore the mediation of Sophy, in a letter which she
should communicate to Emilia.
This was an opportunity which our hero thought too
favourable to be neglected: calling for paper, he sat up in
his bed, and, in the first transports of his emotion, wrote
the following petition to Godfrey's amiable wife:—
Dear Madam—The affliction of a contrite heart can never
appeal to your benevolence in vain, and, therefore, I
presume to approach you in this season of delight, with
the language of sorrow, requesting that you will espouse
the cause of an unhappy lover, who mourns with unutterable
anguish over his ruined hope, and intercede for my pardon
with that divine creature, whom, in the intemperance and
excess of passion, I have so mortally offended. Good Heaven!
is my guilt inexpiable? Am I excluded from all hope of
remission? Am I devoted to misery and despair? I have
offered all the atonement which the most perfect and sincere
penitence could suggest, and she rejects my humility and
repentance. If her resentment would pursue me to the grave,
let her signify her pleasure; and may I be branded with the
name of villain, and remembered with infamy and detestation
to all posterity, if I hesitate one moment in sacrificing a
life which is odious to Emilia. Ah! madam, while I thus pour
forth the effusions of my grief and distraction, I look
around the apartment in which I lie, and every well-known
object that salutes my view, recalls to my remembrance that
fond, that happy day, on which the fair, the good, the
tender-hearted Sophy became my advocate, though I was a
stranger to her acquaintance, and effected a transporting
reconciliation between me and that same enchanting beauty,
that is now so implacably incensed. If she is not satisfied
with the pangs of remorse and disappointment, the transports
of madness I have undergone, let her prescribe what further
penance she thinks I ought to endure, and when I decline her
sentence, let me be the object of her eternal disdain.
I commit myself, dear madam! dear Sophy! dear partner of
my
Friend! to your kind interposition. I know you will manage
my cause, as a concern on which my happiness entirely
depends; and I hope everything from your compassion and
beneficence, while I fear everything from her rigour and
barbarity. Yes! I call it barbarity, a savageness of
delicacy
altogether inconsistent with the tenderness of human nature;
and may the most abject contempt be my portion, if I live
under its scourge! But I begin to rave. I conjure you by
your
own humanity and sweetness of disposition, I conjure you by
your love for the man whom Heaven hath decreed your
protector,
to employ your influence with that angel of wrath, in behalf
of your obliged and obedient servant. "P. PICKLE."
This epistle was immediately transmitted by Godfrey to
his wife, who perused it with marks of the most humane
sympathy; and, carrying it into her sister's chamber, "Here
is something," said she, presenting the paper, "which I must
recommend to your serious attention." Emilia, who
immediately guessed the meaning of this address, absolutely
refused to look upon it, or even to hear it read, till her
brother, entering her apartment, reprimanded her sharply for
her obstinacy and pride, accused her of folly and
dissimulation, and entered so warmly into the interests of
his friend, that she thought him unkind in his
remonstrances, and, bursting into a flood of tears,
reproached him with partiality and want of affection.
Godfrey, who entertained the most perfect love and
veneration for his sister, asked pardon for having given
offence, and, kissing the drops from her fair eyes, begged
she would, for his sake, listen to the declaration of his
friend.
Thus solicited, she could not refuse to hear the letter,
which, when he had repeated, she lamented her own fate in
being the occasion of so much uneasiness, desired her
brother to assure Mr. Pickle that she was not a voluntary
enemy to his peace; on the contrary, she wished him all
happiness, though she hoped he would not blame her for
consulting her own, in avoiding any future explanation or
connection with a person whose correspondence she found
herself under a necessity to renounce. In vain did the
new-married couple exhaust their eloquence in attempting to
prove, that the reparation which our hero had offered was
adequate to the injury she had sustained: that in
reconciling herself to a penitent lover, who subscribed to
her own terms of submission, her honour would be acquitted
by the most scrupulous and severe judges of decorum; and
that her inflexibility would be justly ascribed to the pride
and insensibility of her heart. She turned a deaf ear to all
their arguments, exhortations, and entreaties, and
threatened to leave the house immediately, if they would not
promise to drop that subject of discourse.
Godfrey, very much chagrined at the bad success of his
endeavours, returned to his friend, and made as favourable a
report of the affair, as the nature of his conversation with
Emilia would permit; but as he could not avoid mentioning
her resolution in the close, Peregrine was obliged to drink
again the bitter draught of disappointment, which put his
passions into such a state of agitation, as produced a short
ecstasy of despair, in which he acted a thousand
extravagances. This paroxysm, however, soon subsided into a
settled reserve of gloomy resentment, which he in secret
indulged, detaching himself, as soon as possible, from the
company of the soldier, on pretence of retiring to rest.
While he lay ruminating upon the circumstances of his
present situation, his friend Pipes, who knew the cause of
his anxiety, and firmly believed that Emilia loved his
master at her heart, howsoever she might attempt to disguise
her sentiments; I say, Thomas was taken with a conceit which
he thought would set everything to rights, and therefore put
it in execution without further delay. Laying aside his hat,
he ran directly to the house of Sophy's father, and,
affecting an air of surprise and consternation, to which he
had never before been subject, thundered at the door with
such an alarming knock, as in a moment brought the whole
family into the hall. When he was admitted, he began to
gape, stare, and pant at the same time, and made no reply,
when Godfrey asked what was the matter, till Mrs. Gauntlet
expressed her apprehensions about his master. When Pickle's
name was mentioned, he seemed to make an effort to speak,
and, in a bellowing tone, pronounced, "Brought himself up,
split my topsails!" So saying, he pointed to his own neck,
and rose upon his tiptoes, by way of explaining the meaning
of his words.
Godfrey, without staying to ask another question, rushed
out, and flew towards the inn, with the utmost horror and
concern; while Sophy, who did not rightly understand the
language of the messenger, addressing herself to him a
second time, said, "I hope no accident has happened to Mr.
Pickle?"—"No accident at all," replied Tom; "he has only
hanged himself for love." These words had scarcely proceeded
from his mouth, when Emilia, who stood listening at the
parlour door, shrieked aloud, and dropped down senseless
upon the floor; while her sister, who was almost equally
shocked at the intelligence, had recourse to the assistance
of her maid, by whom she was supported from falling. Pipes,
hearing Emily's voice, congratulated himself upon the
success of his stratagem. He sprung to her assistance, and,
lifting her up into an easy chair, stood by her, until he
saw her recover from her swoon, and heard her call upon his
master's name, with all the frenzy of despairing love. Then
he bent his course back to the inn, overjoyed at the
opportunity of telling Peregrine what a confession he had
extorted from his mistress, and extremely vain of this proof
of his own sagacity.
In the meantime Godfrey arriving at the house in which he
supposed this fatal catastrophe had happened, ran upstairs
to Peregrine's chamber, without staying to make any inquiry
below; and, finding the door locked, burst it open with one
stroke of his foot. But what was his amazement, when, upon
entrance, our hero, starting up from the bed, saluted him
with a boisterous exclamation of "Zounds! who's there?" He
was struck dumb with astonishment, which also riveted him to
the place where he stood, scarce crediting the testimony of
his own senses, till Peregrine, with an air of discontent,
which denoted him displeased with his intrusion, dispelled
his apprehension by a second address, saying, "I see you
consider me as a friend, by your using me without ceremony."
The soldier, thus convinced of the falsehood of the
information he had received, began to imagine, that Pickle
had projected the plan which was executed by his servant;
and looking upon it as a piece of unjustifiable finesse,
which might be attended with very melancholy consequences to
his sister or wife, he answered, in a supercilious tone,
that Mr. Pickle must blame himself for the interruption of
his repose, which was entirely owing to the sorry jest he
had set on foot.
Pickle, who was the child of passion, and more than half
mad with impatience before this visit, hearing himself
treated in such a cavalier manner, advanced close up to
Godfrey's breast, and assuming a stern, or rather frantic
countenance, "Hark ye, sir," said he, "you are mistaken if
you think I jest; I am in downright earnest, I assure you."
Gauntlet, who was not a man to be browbeaten, seeing himself
thus bearded by a person of whose conduct he had, he
thought, reason to complain, put on his military look of
defiance, and, erecting his chest, replied with an exalted
voice, "Mr. Pickle, whether you were in jest or earnest, you
must give me leave to tell you, that the scheme was
childish, unseasonable, and unkind, not to give it a harsher
term."—"Death, sir!" cried our adventurer, "you trifle with
my disquiet; if there is any meaning in your insinuation,
explain yourself, and then I shall know what answer it will
befit me to give."—"I came with very different sentiments,"
resumed the soldier, "but since you urge me to
expostulation, and behave with such unprovoked loftiness of
displeasure, I will, without circumlocution, tax you with
having committed an outrage upon the peace of my family, in
sending your fellow to alarm us with such an abrupt account
of your having done violence upon yourself." Peregrine,
confounded at this imputation, stood silent, with a most
savage aspect of surprise, eager to know the circumstance to
which his accuser alluded, and incensed to find it beyond
the sphere of his comprehension.
While these two irritated friends stood fronting each
other with mutual indignation in their eyes and attitudes,
they were joined by Pipes, who, without taking the least
notice of the situation in which he found them, told his
master, that he might up with the top-gallant masts of his
heart, and out with his rejoicing pendants; for as to Miss
Emily, he had clapped her helm aweather, the vessel wore,
and now she was upon the other tack, standing right into the
harbour of his good-will. Peregrine, who was not yet a
connoisseur in the terms of his lacquey, commanded him, upon
pain of his displeasure, to be more explicit in his
intelligence; and by dint of divers questions, obtained a
perfect knowledge of the scheme which he had put in
execution for his service. This information perplexed him
not a little; he would have chastised his servant upon the
spot for his temerity, had he not plainly perceived that the
fellow's intention was to promote his case and satisfaction;
and, on the other hand, he knew not how to acquit himself of
the suspicion which he saw Godfrey entertain of his being
the projector of the plan, without condescending to an
explanation, which his present disposition could not brook.
After some pause, however, turning to Pipes with a severe
frown, "Rascal!" said he, "this is the second time I have
suffered in the opinion of that lady, by your ignorance and
presumption; if ever you intermeddle in my affairs for the
future, without express order and direction, by all that's
sacred, I will put you to death without mercy! Away, and let
my horse be saddled this instant."
Pipes having withdrawn, in order to perform this piece of
duty, our young gentleman, addressing himself again to the
soldier, and laying his hand upon his breast, said, with a
solemnity of regard, "Captain Gauntlet, upon my honour, I am
altogether innocent of that shallow device which you impute
to my invention; and I don't think you do justice either to
my intellect or honour, in supposing me capable of such
insolent absurdity. As for your sister, I have once in my
life affronted her in the madness and impetuosity of desire;
but I have made such acknowledgments, and offered such
atonement, as few women of her sphere would have refused;
and before God I am determined to endure every torment of
disappointment and despair, rather than prostrate myself
again to the cruelty of her unjustifiable pride." So saying,
he stalked suddenly down-stairs, and took horse immediately,
his spirits being supported by resentment, which prompted
him to vow within himself, that he would seek consolation
for the disdain of Emilia, in the possession of the first
willing wench he should meet upon the road.
While he set out for the garrison with these sentiments,
Gauntlet, in a suspense between anger, shame, and concern,
returned to the house of his father-in-law, where he found
his sister still violently agitated from the news of
Peregrine's death; the mystery of which he forthwith
unravelled, recounting at the same time the particulars of
the conversation which had happened at the inn, and
describing the demeanour of Pickle with some expressions of
asperity, which were neither agreeable to Emilia, nor
approved by the gentle Sophy, who tenderly chid him, for
allowing Peregrine to depart in terms of misunderstanding.
CHAPTER LXXXVII.
Peregrine sets out for the Garrison, and meets with a Nymph
of the Road, whom he takes into Keeping, and metamorphoses
into a fine Lady.
In the meantime, our hero jogged along in a profound
reverie, which was disturbed by a beggar-woman and her
daughter, who solicited him for alms, as he passed them on
the road. The girl was about the age of sixteen, and,
notwithstanding the wretched equipage in which she appeared,
exhibited to his view a set of agreeable features, enlivened
with the complexion of health and cheerfulness. The
resolution I have already mentioned was still warm in his
imagination; and he looked upon this young mendicant as a
very proper object for the performance of his vow. He,
therefore, entered into a conference with the mother, and
for a small sum of money purchased her property in the
wench, who did not require much courtship and entreaty,
before she consented to accompany him to any place that he
should appoint for her habitation.
This contract being settled to his satisfaction, he
ordered Pipes to seat his acquisition behind him upon the
crupper, and, alighting at the first public-house which they
found upon the road, he wrote a letter to Hatchway, desiring
him to receive this hedge inamorata, and direct her to be
cleaned and clothed in a decent manner, with all expedition,
so that she should be touchable upon his arrival, which, on
that account, he would defer for the space of one day. This
billet, together with the girl, he committed to the charge
of Pipes, after having laid strong injunctions upon him to
abstain from all attempts upon her chastity, and ordered him
to make the best of his way to the garrison, while he
himself crossed the country to a market town, where he
proposed to spend the night.
Tom, thus cautioned, proceeded with his charge, and,
being naturally taciturn, opened not his lips, until he had
performed the best half of his journey. But Thomas,
notwithstanding his irony appearance, was in reality
composed of flesh and blood. His desire being titillated by
the contact of a buxom wench, whose right arm embraced his
middle as he rode, his thoughts began to mutiny against his
master, and he found it almost impossible to withstand the
temptation of making love. Nevertheless, he wrestled with
these rebellious suggestions with all the reason that Heaven
had enabled him to exert; and that being totally overcome,
his victorious passion suddenly broke out in this address:
"'Sblood! I believe master thinks I have no more stuff in
my body than a dried haddock, to turn me adrift in the dark
with such a spanker. D'ye think he don't, my dear?" To this
question his fellow-traveller replied, "Swanker anan!" And
the lover resumed his suit, saying, "Oons! how you tickle my
timber! Something shoots from your arm, through my stowage,
to the very keelstone. Han't you got quicksilver in your
hand?"—"Quicksilver!" said the lady, "d—n the silver that
has crossed my hand this month; d'ye think, if I had silver,
I shouldn't buy me a smock?"—"Adsooks! you baggage," cried
the lover, "you shouldn't want a smock nor a petticoat
neither, if you could have a kindness for a true-hearted
sailor, as sound and strong as a nine-inch cable, that would
keep all clear above board, and everything snug under the
hatches."—"Curse your gum!" said the charmer, "what's your
gay balls and your hatches to me?"—"Do but let us bring-to a
little," answered the wooer, whose appetite was by this time
whetted to a most ravenous degree, "and I'll teach you to
box the compass, my dear. Ah! you strapper, what a jolly b—
you are!"—"B—!" exclaimed this modern dulcinea, incensed at
the opprobrious term; "such a b— as your mother, you dog! D—
you, I've a good mind to box your jaws instead of your
comepiss. I'll let you know, as how I am meat for your
master, you saucy blackguard. You are worse than a dog, you
old flinty-faced, flea-bitten scrub. A dog wears his own
coat, but you wear your master's."
Such a torrent of disgraceful epithets from a person who
had no clothes at all, converted the gallant's love into
choler, and he threatened to dismount and seize her to a
tree, when she should have a taste of his cat-o'-nine-tails
athwart her quarters; but, instead of being intimidated by
his menaces, she set him at defiance, and held forth with
such a flow of eloquence, as would have entitled her to a
considerable share of reputation, even among the nymphs of
Billingsgate; for this young lady, over and above a natural
genius for altercation, had her talents cultivated among the
venerable society of weeders, podders, and hoppers, with
whom she had associated from her tender years. No wonder,
then, that she soon obtained a complete victory over Pipes,
who, as the reader may have observed, was very little
addicted to the exercise of speech. Indeed, he was utterly
disconcerted by her volubility of tongue; and, being
altogether unfurnished with answers to the distinct periods
of her discourse, very wisely chose to save himself the
expense of breath and argument, by giving her a full swing
of cable, so that she might bring herself up; while he rode
onwards, in silent composure, without taking any more notice
of his fair fellow-traveller, than if she had been his
master's cloak-bag.
In spite of all the despatch he could make, it was late
before he arrived at the garrison, where he delivered the
letter and the lady to the lieutenant, who no sooner
understood the intention of his friend, than he ordered all
the tubs in the house to be carried into the hall, and
filled with water. Tom having provided himself with swabs
and brushes, divested the fair stranger of her variegated
drapery, which was immediately committed to the flames, and
performed upon her soft and sleek person the ceremony of
scrubbing, as it is practised on board of the king's ships
of war. Yet the nymph herself did not submit to this
purification without repining. She cursed the director, who
was upon the spot, with many abusive allusions to his wooden
leg; and as for Pipes the operator, she employed her talons
so effectually upon his face, that the blood ran over his
nose in sundry streams; and next morning, when those
rivulets were dry, his countenance resembled the rough bark
of a plum-tree, plastered with gum. Nevertheless, he did his
duty with great perseverance, cut off her hair close to the
scalp, handled his brushes with dexterity, applied his swabs
of different magnitude and texture, as the case required;
and, lastly, rinsed the whole body with a dozen pails of
cold water, discharged upon her head.
These ablutions being executed, he dried her with towels,
accommodated her with a clean shift, and, acting the part of
a valet-de-chambre, clothed her from head to foot, in clean
and decent apparel which had belonged to Mrs. Hatchway; by
which means her appearance was altered so much for the
better, that when Peregrine arrived next day, he could
scarce believe his own eyes. He was, for that reason,
extremely well pleased with his purchase, and now resolved
to indulge a whim, which seized him at the very instant of
his arrival.
He had, as I believe the reader will readily allow, made
considerable progress in the study of character, from the
highest rank to the most humble station of life, and found
it diversified in the same manner, through every degree of
subordination and precedency: nay, he moreover observed,
that the conversation of those who are dignified with the
appellation of polite company, is neither more edifying nor
entertaining than that which is met with among the lower
classes of mankind; and that the only essential difference,
in point of demeanour, is the form of an education, which
the meanest capacity can acquire, without much study or
application. Possessed of this notion, he determined to take
the young mendicant under his own tutorage and instruction.
In consequence of which, he hoped he should, in a few weeks,
be able to produce her in company, as an accomplished young
lady of uncommon wit, and an excellent understanding.
This extravagant plan he forthwith began to execute with
great eagerness and industry; and his endeavours succeeded
even beyond his expectation. The obstacle, in surmounting of
which he found the greatest difficulty, was an inveterate
habit of swearing, which had been indulged from her infancy,
and confirmed by the example of those among whom she had
lived. However, she had the rudiments of good sense from
nature, which taught her to listen to wholesome advice, and
was so docile as to comprehend and retain the lessons which
her governor recommended to her attention; insomuch, that he
ventured, in a few days, to present her at table, among a
set of country squires, to whom she was introduced as niece
to the lieutenant. In that capacity she sat with becoming
easiness of mien, for she was as void of the mauvaise honte
as any duchess in the land; bowed very graciously to the
compliments of the gentlemen; and though she said little or
nothing, because she was previously cautioned on that score,
she more than once gave way to laughter, and her mirth
happened to be pretty well timed. In a word, she attracted
the applause and admiration of the guests, who, after she
was withdrawn, complimented Mr. Hatchway upon the beauty,
breeding, and good-humour of his kinswoman.
But what contributed more than any other circumstance to
her speedy improvement, was some small insight into the
primer, which she had acquired at a day-school, during the
life of her father, who was a day-labourer in the country.
Upon this foundation did Peregrine build a most elegant
superstructure; he culled out choice sentences from
Shakespeare, Otway, and Pope, and taught her to repeat them
with an emphasis and theatrical cadence. He then instructed
her in the names and epithets of the most celebrated
players, which he directed her to pronounce occasionally,
with an air of careless familiarity; and, perceiving that
her voice was naturally clear, he enriched it with remnants
of opera tunes, to be hummed during a pause in conversation,
which is generally supplied with a circulation of a pinch of
snuff. By means of this cultivation she became a wonderful
proficient in the polite graces of the age; she, with great
facility, comprehended the scheme of whist, though cribbage
was her favourite game, with which she had amused herself in
her vacant hours, from her first entrance into the
profession of hopping; and brag soon grew familiar to her
practice and conception.
Thus prepared, she was exposed to the company of her own
sex, being first of all visited by the parson's daughter,
who could not avoid showing that civility to Mr. Hatchway's
niece, after she had made her public appearance at church.
Mrs. Clover, who had a great share of penetration, could not
help entertaining some doubts about this same relation,
whose name she had never heard the uncle mention, during the
whole term of her residence at the garrison. But as the
young lady was treated in that character, she would not
refuse her acquaintance; and, after having seen her at the
castle, actually invited Miss Hatchway to her house. In
short, she made a progress through almost all the families
in the neighbourhood; and by dint of her quotations, which,
by the bye, were not always judiciously used, she passed for
a sprightly young lady, of uncommon learning and taste.
Peregrine having in this manner initiated her in the beau
monde of the country, conducted her to London, where she was
provided with private lodgings and a female attendant; and
put her immediately under the tuition of his
valet-de-chambre, who had orders to instruct her in dancing,
and the French language. He attended her to plays and
concerts three or four times a week; and when our hero
thought her sufficiently accustomed to the sight of great
company, he squired her in person to a public assembly, and
danced with her among all the gay ladies of fashion; not but
that there was still an evident air of rusticity and
awkwardness in her demeanour, which was interpreted into an
agreeable wildness of spirit, superior to the forms of
common breeding. He afterwards found means to make her
acquainted with some distinguished patterns of her own sex,
by whom she was admitted into the most elegant parties, and
continued to make good her pretensions to gentility, with
great circumspection. But one evening, being at cards with a
certain lady whom she detected in the very fact of unfair
conveyance, she taxed her roundly with the fraud, and
brought upon herself such a torrent of sarcastic reproof, as
overbore all her maxims of caution, and burst open the
floodgates of her own natural repartee, twanged off with the
appellation of b— and w—, which she repeated with great
vehemence, in an attitude of manual defiance, to the terror
of her antagonist, and the astonishment of all present; nay,
to such an unguarded pitch was she provoked, that, starting
up, she snapped her fingers, in testimony of disdain, and,
as she quitted the room, applied her hand to that part which
was the last of her that disappeared, inviting the company
to kiss it by one of its coarsest denominations.
Peregrine was a little disconcerted at this oversight in
her behaviour, which, by the demon of intelligence, was in a
moment conveyed to all the private companies in town; so
that she was absolutely excluded from all polite
communication, and Peregrine, for the present, disgraced
among the modest part of his female acquaintance, many of
whom not only forbade him their houses, on account of the
impudent insult he had committed upon their honour, as well
as understanding, in palming a common trull upon them, as a
young lady of birth and education; but also aspersed his
family, by affirming that she was actually his own
cousin-german, whom he had precipitately raised from the
most abject state of humility and contempt. In revenge for
this calumny, our young gentleman explained the whole
mystery of her promotion, together with the motives that
induced him to bring her into the fashionable world; and
repeated among his companions the extravagant encomiums
which had been bestowed upon her by the most discerning
matrons of the age.
Meanwhile, the infanta herself being rebuked by her
benefactor for this instance of misbehaviour, promised
faithfully to keep a stricter guard for the future over her
conduct, and applied herself with great assiduity to the
studies, in which she was assisted by the Swiss, who
gradually lost the freedom of his heart, while she was
profiting by his instruction. In other words, she made a
conquest of her preceptor, who yielding to the instigations
of the flesh, chose a proper opportunity to declare his
passion, which was powerfully recommended by his personal
qualifications; and his intentions being honourable, she
listened to his proposals of espousing her in private. In
consequence of this agreement, they made an elopement
together; and, being buckled at the Fleet, consummated their
nuptials in private lodgings, by the Seven Dials, from which
the husband next morning sent a letter to our hero begging
forgiveness for the clandestine step he had taken, which he
solemnly protested was not owing to any abatement in his
inviolable regard for his master, whom he should always
honour and esteem to his latest breath, but entirely to the
irresistible charms of the young lady, to whom he was now so
happy as to be joined in the silken bonds of marriage.
Peregrine, though at first offended at his valet's
presumption, was, upon second thoughts, reconciled to the
event by which he was delivered from an encumbrance; for by
this time he had performed his frolic, and began to be tired
of his acquisition. He reflected upon the former fidelity of
the Swiss, which had been manifested in a long course of
service and attachment; and, thinking it would be cruelly
severe to abandon him to poverty and distress for one venial
trespass, he resolved to pardon what he had done, and enable
him in some shape to provide for the family which he had
entailed upon himself.
With these sentiments, he sent a favourable answer to the
delinquent, desiring to see him as soon as his passion
should permit him to leave the arms of his spouse for an
hour or two; and Hadgi, in obedience to this intimation,
repaired immediately to the lodgings of his master, before
whom he appeared with a most penitential aspect. Peregrine,
though he could scarce help laughing at his rueful length of
face, reprimanded him sharply, for his disrespect and
ingratitude in taking that by stealth which he might have
had for asking. The culprit assured him, that next to the
vengeance of God, his master's displeasure was that which of
all evils he dreaded to incur; but that love had distracted
his brain in such a manner, as to banish every other
consideration but that of gratifying his desire; and he
owned, that he should not have been able to preserve his
fidelity and duty to his own father, had they interfered
with the interest of his passion. He then appealed to his
master's own heart for the remission of his guilt, alluding
to certain circumstances of our hero's conduct, which
evinced the desperate effects of love. In short, he made
such an apology as extorted a smile from his offended judge,
who not only forgave his transgression, but also promised to
put him in some fair way of earning a comfortable
subsistence.
The Swiss was so much affected with this instance of
generosity, that he fell upon his knees, and kissed his
hand, praying to heaven, with great fervour, to make him
worthy of such goodness and condescension. His scheme, he
said, was to open a coffee-house and tavern in some
creditable part of the town, in hopes of being favoured with
the custom of a numerous acquaintance he had made among
upper servants and reputable tradesmen, not doubting that
his wife would be an ornament to his bar, and a careful
manager of his affairs. Peregrine approved of the plan,
towards the execution of which he made him and his wife a
present of five hundred pounds, together with a promise of
erecting a weekly club among his friends, for the reputation
and advantage of the house.
Hadgi was so transported with his good fortune, that he
ran to Pipes, who was in the room, and having hugged him
with great cordiality, and made his obeisance to his master,
hied him home to his bride, to communicate his happiness,
cutting capers, and talking to himself all the way.
CHAPTER LXXXVIII.
He is visited by Pallet—Contracts an Intimacy with a
Newmarket Nobleman, and is by the Knowing Ones taken in.
This affair being settled, and our adventurer, for the
present, free of all female connections, he returned to his
former course of fast living among the bucks of the town,
and performed innumerable exploits among whores, bullies,
rooks, constables, and justices of the peace. In the midst
of these occupations, he was one morning visited by his old
fellow-traveller, Pallet, whose appearance gave him equal
surprise and concern. Though the weather was severe, he was
clothed in the thin summer dress which he had worn at Paris,
and was now, not only threadbare, but, in some parts,
actually patched; his stockings, by a repetition of that
practice known among economists by the term of coaxing, hung
like pudding-bags about his ankles; his shirt, though new
washed, was of the saffron hue, and, in divers places,
appeared through the crannies of his breeches; he had
exchanged his own hair for a smoke-dried tie-periwig, which
all the flour in his dredging-box had not been able to
whiten; his eyes were sunk, his jaws lengthened beyond their
usual extension; and he seemed twenty years older than he
looked when he and our hero parted at Rotterdam. In spite of
all these evidences of decay, he accosted him with a meagre
affectation of content and good-humour, struggled piteously
to appear gay and unconcerned, professed his joy at seeing
him in England, excused himself for having delayed so long
to come and present his respects; alleging that, since his
return, he had been a mere slave to the satisfaction of some
persons of quality and taste, who had insisted upon his
finishing some pieces with the utmost expedition.
Peregrine received him with that compassion and
complaisance which was natural to his disposition; inquired
about the health of Mrs. Pallet and his family, and asked if
his friend, the doctor, was in town. The painter seemed to
have resumed his resentment against that gentleman, of whom
he spoke in contemptuous terms. "The doctor," said he, "is
so much overshadowed with presumption and self-conceit, that
his merit has no relief. It does not rise. There is no
keeping in the picture, my dear sir. All the same as if I
were to represent the moon under a cloud; there will be
nothing but a deep mass of shade, with a little tiny speck
of light in the middle, which would only serve to make, as
it were, the darkness visible. You understand me. Had he
taken my advice, it might have been better for him; but he
is bigoted to his own opinion. You must know, Mr. Pickle,
upon our return to England, I counselled him to compose a
little smart, clever ode upon my Cleopatra. As Gad shall
judge me, I thought it would have been of some service, in
helping him out of obscurity; for you know, as Sir Richard
observes,
"Soon will that die, which adds thy fame to mine;
Let me then live, join'd to a work of thine."
"By the bye, there is a most picturesque contrast in
these lines, of thy and me, living and dying, and thine and
mine. Ah! a prize upon it! Dick, after all, was the man.
Ecod! he rounded it off. But, to return to this unhappy
young man, would you believe it, he tossed up his nose at my
friendly proposal, and gabbled something in Greek, which is
not worth repeating. The case was this, my dear sir, he was
out of humour at the neglect of the world. He thought the
poets of the age were jealous of his genius, and strove to
crush it accordingly, while the rest of mankind wanted taste
sufficient to discern it. For my own part, I profess myself
one of these; and, as the clown in Billy Shakespeare says of
the courtier's oath, had I sworn by the doctor's genius,
that the pancakes were naught, they might have been for all
that very good, yet shouldn't I have been forsworn. Let that
be as it will, he retired from town in great dudgeon, and
set up his rest near a hill in Derbyshire, with two tops,
resembling Parnassus, and a well at the bottom, which he had
christened Hyp-o'-the-Green. Egad! if he stays in that
habitation, 'tis my opinion he'll soon grow green with the
hip indeed. He'll be glad of an opportunity to return to the
fleshpots of Egypt, and pay his court to the slighted Queen
Cleopatra. Ha! well remembered, by this light! you shall
know, my good sir, that this same Egyptian princess has been
courted by so many gallants of taste, that, as I hope to
live, I found myself in some sort of dilemma, because in
parting with her to one, I should have disobliged all his
rivals. Now a man would not choose to give offence to his
friends, at least I lay it down as a maxim to avoid the
smallest appearance of ingratitude. Perhaps I may be in the
wrong. But every man has his way. For this reason, I
proposed to all the candidates, that a lottery or raffle
should be set on foot, by which every individual would have
an equal chance for her good graces, and the prize be left
to the decision of fortune. The scheme was mightily
relished, and the terms being such a trifle as half a
guinea, the whole town crowded into my house, in order to
subscribe. But there I was their humble servant. 'Gentlemen,
you must have a little patience till my own particular
friends are served.' Among that number, I do myself the
honour to consider Mr. Pickle. Here is a copy of the
proposals; and, if the list should be adorned with his name,
I hope, notwithstanding his merited success among the young
ladies, he will for once be shunned by that little vixen
called Miss Fortune! he, he, he!"
So saying, he bowed with a thousand apish congees, and
presented his paper to Peregrine, who, seeing the number of
subscribers was limited to one hundred, said he thought him
too moderate in his expectations, as he did not doubt that
his picture would be a cheap purchase at five hundred,
instead of fifty pounds, at which the price was fixed. To
this unexpected remark Pallet answered, that among the
connoisseurs he would not pretend to appraise his picture;
but that, in valuing his works, he was obliged to have an
eye to the Gothic ignorance of the age in which he lived.
Our adventurer saw at once into the nature of this raffle,
which was no other than a begging shift to dispose of a
paltry piece, that he could not otherwise have sold for
twenty shillings. However, far from shocking the poor man in
distress, by dropping the least hint of his conjecture, he
desired to be favoured with six chances, if the
circumstances of his plan would indulge him so far; and the
painter, after some hesitation, condescended to comply with
his request, out of pure friendship and veneration; though
he observed, that, in so doing, he must exclude some of his
most intimate companions. Having received the money he gave
Pickle his address, desiring he would, with his convenience,
visit the princess, who, he was sure, would display her most
engaging attractions, in order to captivate his fancy; and
took his leave extremely well pleased with the success of
his application.
Though Peregrine was tempted with the curiosity of seeing
this portrait, which he imagined must contain some analogy
to the ridiculous oddity of the painter, he would not expose
himself to the disagreeable alternative of applauding the
performance, contrary to the dictates of conscience and
common sense, or of condemning it, to the unspeakable
mortification of the miserable author; and therefore never
dreamt of returning the painter's visit. Nor did he ever
hear of the lottery's being drawn. About this time he was
invited to spend a few weeks at the country seat of a
certain nobleman, with whom he had contracted an
acquaintance, in the course of his debauches, which we have
already described. His lordship being remarkable for his
skill and success in horse-racing, his house was continually
filled with the connoisseurs and admirers of that sport,
upon which the whole conversation turned, insomuch that
Peregrine gradually imbibed some knowledge in horse-flesh,
and the diversions of the course; for the whole occupation
of the day, exclusive of eating and drinking, consisted in
viewing, managing, and exercising his lordship's stud.
Our hero looked upon these amusements with an eye of
taste as well as curiosity; he contemplated the animal as a
beautiful and elegant part of the creation, and relished the
surprising exertion of its speed with a refined and
classical delight. In a little time he became personally
acquainted with every horse in the stable, and interested
himself in the reputation of each; while he also gratified
his appetite for knowledge, in observing the methods of
preparing their bodies, and training them to the race. His
lordship saw and encouraged his eagerness, from which he
promised himself some advantage; he formed several private
matches for his entertainment, and flattered his
discernment, by permitting him to be successful in the first
bets he made. Thus was he artfully decoyed into a spirit of
keenness and adventure, and disposed to depend upon his own
judgment, in opposition to that of people who had made
horse-racing the sole study of their lives. He accompanied
my lord to Newmarket, and, entering at once into the genius
of the place, was marked as fair game, by all the knowing
ones there assembled, many of whom found means to take him
in, in spite of all the cautions and admonitions of his
lordship, who wanted to reserve him for his own use.
It is almost impossible for any man, let him be never so
fearful or phlegmatic, to be an unconcerned spectator in
this busy scene. The demon of play hovers in the air, like a
pestilential vapour, tainting the minds of all present with
infallible infection, which communicates from one person to
another, like the circulation of a general panic. Peregrine
was seized with this epidemic distemper to a violent degree;
and, after having lost a few loose hundreds, in his progress
through the various rookeries of the place, entered into
partnership with his noble friend in a grand match, upon the
issue of which he ventured no less than three thousand
pounds. Indeed he would not have risked such a considerable
sum, had not his own confidence been reinforced by the
opinion and concurrence of his lordship, who hazarded an
equal bet upon the same event. These two associates engaged
themselves in the penalty of six thousand pounds, to run one
chaise and four against another, three times round the
course; and our adventurer had the satisfaction of seeing
his antagonist distanced in the first and second heat; but,
all of a sudden, one of the horses of his machine was
knocked up, by which accident the victory was ravished
almost from his very grasp, and he was obliged to endure the
damage and the scorn.
He was deeply affected with this misfortune, which he
imputed to his own extravagance and temerity; but discovered
no external signs of affliction, because his illustrious
partner bore his loss with the most philosophic resignation,
consoling himself, as well as Pickle, with the hope of
making it up on some other occasion. Nevertheless, our young
gentleman could not help admiring, and even envying his
equanimity, not knowing that his lordship had managed
matters so as to be a gainer by the misfortune; which to
retrieve, Peregrine purchased several horses, at the
recommendation of his friend; and, instead of returning to
London, made a tour with him to all the celebrated races in
England, at which, after several vicissitudes of fortune, he
made shift, before the end of the season, to treble his
loss.
But his hopes seemed to increase with his ill-luck. In
the beginning of winter he came to town, fully persuaded
that fortune must necessarily change, and that next season
he should reap the happy fruits of his experience. In this
confidence, he seemed to drown all ideas of prudence and
economy. His former expense was mere parsimony, compared
with that which he now incurred. He subscribed to the opera,
and half a dozen concerts at different parts of the town;
was a benefactor to several hospitals; purchased a
collection of valuable pictures; took a house, and furnished
it in a most magnificent taste, laid in a large stock of
French wines, and gave extravagant entertainments to his
quality friends, who, in return, loaded him with
compliments, and insisted upon his making use of their
interest and goodwill.
CHAPTER LXXXIX.
He is taken into the Protection of a great Man—Sets up for a
Member of Parliament—Is disappointed in his Expectation, and
finds himself egregiously outwitted.
Among these professed patrons, the greatest part of whom
Peregrine saw through, there was one great personage, who
seemed to support with dignity the sphere in which fortune
had placed him. His behaviour to Pickle was not a series of
grinning complaisance in a flat repetition of general
expressions of friendship and regard. He demeaned himself
with a seemingly honest reserve, in point of profession; his
advances to Peregrine appeared to be the result of
deliberation and experiment; he chid the young gentleman for
his extravagance, with the authority of a parent, and the
sincerity of a fast friend; and having, by gradual
inquiries, made himself acquainted with the state of his
private affairs, condemned his conduct with an air of
candour and concern. He represented to him the folly and
dangerous consequences of the profligate life in which he
had plunged himself, counselled him with great warmth to
sell off his race-horses, which would otherwise insensibly
eat him up; to retrench all superfluous expense, which would
only serve to expose him to the ridicule and ingratitude of
those who were benefited by it; to lay out his money upon
secure mortgages, at good interest; and carry into execution
his former design of standing candidate for a borough, at
the ensuing election for a new parliament; in which case
this nobleman promised to assist him with his influence and
advice; assuring him, that, if he could once procure a seat
in the house, he might look upon his fortune as already
made.
Our adventurer perceiving the wisdom and sanity of this
advice, for which he made his acknowledgments to his
generous monitor, protested that he would adhere to it in
every particular, and immediately set about a reformation.
He accordingly took cognizance of his most minute affairs,
and, after an exact scrutiny, gave his patron to understand,
that, exclusive of his furniture, his fortune was reduced to
fourteen thousand three hundred and thirty pounds, in Bank
and South-sea annuities, over and above the garrison and its
appendages, which he reckoned at sixty pounds a year. He
therefore desired, that, as his lordship had been so kind as
to favour him with his friendship and advice, he would
extend his generosity still farther, by putting him in a way
of making the most advantage of his money. My lord said,
that, for his own part, he did not choose to meddle in money
matters; that Mr. Pickle would find abundance of people
ready to borrow it upon land security; but that he ought to
be extremely cautious in a transaction of such consequence;
promising, at the same time, to employ his own steward in
seeking out a mortgager to whom it might be safely lent.
This agent was accordingly set at work, and for a few
days made a fruitless inquiry; so that the young gentleman
was obliged to have recourse to his own intelligence, by
which he got notice of several people of reputed credit, who
offered him mortgages for the whole sum; but when he made a
report of the particulars to his noble friend, his lordship
started such doubts and objections relating to each, that he
was deterred from entering into any engagements with the
proposers; congratulating himself, in the meantime, on his
good fortune, in being favoured with the advice and
direction of such a sage counsellor. Nevertheless, he began
to be impatient, after having unsuccessfully consulted all
the money brokers and conveyancers about town, and resolved
to try the expedient of a public advertisement. But he was
persuaded by my lord to postpone that experiment, until
every other method should have failed, because it would
attract the attention of all the pettifoggers in London,
who, though they might not be able to overreach, would
infallibly harass and tease him out of all tranquility.
It was on the back of this conversation that Peregrine,
chancing to meet the steward near his lord's house, stopped
him in the street, to give him an account of his bad luck;
at which the other expressed some concern, and rubbing his
chin with his hand, in a musing posture, told Pickle, there
was a thought just come into his head, pointing out one way
of doing his business effectually. The youth, upon this
intimation, begged he would accompany him to the next
coffee-house, in which having chosen a private situation,
this grave manager gave him to understand, that a part of my
lord's estate was mortgaged, in consequence of a debt
contracted by his grandfather, for provision to the younger
children of the family; and that the equity of redemption
would be foreclosed in a few months, unless the burden could
be discharged. "My lord," said he, "has always lived in a
splendid manner, and, notwithstanding his ample fortune,
together with the profits accruing from the posts he enjoys,
he saves so little money, that, upon this occasion, I know
he will be obliged to borrow ten thousand pounds to make up
the sum that is requisite to redeem the mortgage. Now,
certain I am, that, when his design comes to be known, he
will be solicited on all hands by people desirous of lending
money upon such undoubted security; and 'tis odds but he has
already promised the preference to some particular
acquaintance. However, as I know he has your interest very
much at heart, I will, if you please, sound his lordship
upon the subject, and in a day or two give you notice of my
success."
Peregrine, ravished with the prospect of settling this
affair so much to his satisfaction, thanked the steward for
his friendly hint and undertaking, which he assured him
should be acknowledged by a more solid proof of his
gratitude, provided the business could be brought to bear;
and next day he was visited by this kind manager, with the
happy news of his lordship's having consented to borrow ten
thousand pounds of his stock upon mortgage, at the interest
of five per cent. This information he received as an
instance of the singular esteem of his noble patron; and the
papers being immediately drawn and executed, the money was
deposited in the hands of the mortgager, who, in the hearing
of the lender, laid strong injunctions on his steward to pay
the interest punctually at quarter-day.
The best part of our hero's fortune being thus happily
deposited, and the agent gratified with a present of fifty
pieces, he began to put his retrenching scheme in execution;
all his servants, Pipes excepted, were discharged, his
chariot and running horses disposed of, his housekeeping
broken up, and his furniture sold by auction: nay, the heat
of his disposition was as remarkable in this as any other
transaction in his life; for every step of his saving
project was taken with such eagerness, and even
precipitation, that most of his companions thought he was
either ruined or mad. But he answered all their
expostulations with a string of prudent apophthegms, such
as, "The shortest follies are the best"; "Better to retrench
upon conviction than compulsion"; and divers other wise
maxims, seemingly the result of experience and philosophic
reflection. To such a degree of enthusiasm did his present
economy prevail, that he was actually seized with the desire
of amassing. And as he every day received proposals from
those brokers whom he had employed, about the disposal of
his cash, he at length ventured fifteen hundred pounds upon
bottomry, being tempted by the excessive premium.
But it must be observed, for the honour of our
adventurer, that this reformation did not at all interfere
with the good qualities of his heart. He was still as
friendly and benevolent as ever, though his liberality was
more subject to the restraint of reason; and he might have
justly pleaded, in vindication of his generosity, that he
retrenched the superfluities in his own way of living, in
order to preserve the power of assisting his
fellow-creatures in distress. Numberless were the objects to
which he extended his charity in private. Indeed, he exerted
this virtue in secret, not only on account of avoiding the
charge of ostentation, but also because he was ashamed of
being detected in such an awkward unfashionable practice, by
the censorious observers of this humane generation. In this
particular, he seemed to confound the ideas of virtue and
vice; for he did good, as other people do evil, by stealth;
and was so capricious in point of behaviour, that
frequently, in public, he wagged his tongue in satirical
animadversions upon that poverty which his hand had in
private relieved. Yet, far from shunning the acquaintance,
or discouraging the solicitation of those who, he thought,
wanted his assistance, he was always accessible, open, and
complaisant to them, even when the haughtiness of his temper
kept his superiors at a distance; and often saved a modest
man the anguish and confusion of declaring himself, by
penetrating into his necessity, and anticipating his
request, in a frank offer of his purse and friendship. Not
that he practised this beneficence to all the needy of his
acquaintance without distinction; there is always a set of
idle profligate fellows, who, having squandered away their
own fortunes, and conquered all sense of honour and shame,
maintain themselves by borrowing from those who have not yet
finished the same career, and want resolution to resist
their importunate demands. To these he was always
inflexible; though he could not absolutely detach himself
from their company, because, by dint of effrontery, and such
of their original connections as they have been able to
retain, they find admission to all places of fashionable
resort.
Several unsuccessful attacks had been made upon his
pocket by beggars of this class. One of the most artful of
them, having one day joined him in the Mall, and made the
usual observation on the weather, d—d all the fogs of
London, and began a dissertation on the difference of air,
preferring that of the country in which he was born to any
climate under the sun. "Were you ever in Gloucestershire?"
said he to Peregrine; who replying in the negative, he thus
went on: "I have got a house there, where I should be glad
to see you. Let us go down together during the Easter
holidays; I can promise you good country fare and wholesome
exercise; for I have everything within myself, and as good a
pack of fox-hounds as any in the three kingdoms. I shan't
pretend to expatiate upon the elegance of the house, which
to be sure is an old building; and these, you know, are
generally cold, and not very convenient. But, curse the
house! the dirty acres about it are the thing; and d—d fine
parcel they are to be sure. If my old grandmother was
dead—she can't live another season, for she's turned of
fourscore, and quite worn out: nay, as for that matter, I
believe I have got a letter in my pocket, giving an account
of her being despaired of by the doctors. Let me see—No, d—
it! I left it at home, in the pocket of another coat."
Pickle, who, from the beginning of this harangue, saw its
tendency, seemed to yield the most serious attention to what
he said: breaking in upon it, every now and then, with the
interjections, hum! ha! the deuce! and several civil
questions, from which the other conceived happy omens of
success; till perceiving they had advanced as far as the
passage into St. James's, the mischievous youth interrupted
him all at once, saying, "I see you are for the end of the
walk; this is my way." With these words he took leave of the
saunterer, who would have delayed his retreat, by calling to
him aloud, that he had not yet described the situation of
his castle. But Peregrine, without stopping, answered in the
same tone, "Another time will do as well"; and in a moment
disappeared, leaving the projector very much mortified with
his disappointment; for his intention was to close the
description with a demand of twenty pieces, to be repaid out
of the first remittance he should receive from his estate.
It would have been well for our hero, had he always acted
with the same circumspection. But he had his unguarded
moments, in which he fell a prey to the unsuspecting
integrity of his own heart. There was a person among the
number of his acquaintances, whose conversation he
particularly relished, because it was frank, agreeable, and
fraught with many sensible observations upon the craft and
treachery of mankind. This gentleman had made shift to
discuss a very genteel fortune, though it was spent with
taste and reputation, and now he was reduced to his shifts
for the maintenance of his family, which consisted of a wife
and child. Not that he was destitute of the necessaries of
life, being comfortably supplied by the bounty of his
friends; but this was a provision not at all suited to his
inclination; and he had endeavoured, by divers unsuccessful
schemes, to retrieve his former independency.
Peregrine happened one evening to be sitting alone in a
coffee-house, where he overheard a conversation between this
schemer and another gentleman, touching an affair that
engaged his attention. The stranger had been left trustee
for fifteen hundred pounds bequeathed to the other's
daughter by an aunt, and was strongly solicited to pay the
money to the child's father, who assured him, he had then an
opportunity to lay it out in such a manner as would greatly
conduce to the advantage of his family. The trustee reminded
him of the nature of his charge, which made him accountable
for the money until the child should have attained the age
of eighteen; but at the same time gave him to understand,
that, if he could procure such security as would indemnify
him from the consequences, he would forthwith pay the legacy
into his hands. To this proposal the father replied that it
was not to be supposed he would risk the fortune of his only
child upon any idle scheme or precarious issue; and
therefore he thought it reasonable, that he should have the
use of it in the meantime; and that, as to security, he was
loth to trouble any of his friends about an affair which
might be compromised without their interposition; observing,
that he would not look upon his condescension as a favour,
if obtained by security, on which he could borrow the same
sum from any usurer in town.
After much importunity on one side, and evasion on the
other, the moneyed gentleman told him, that, though he would
not surrender the sum deposited in his hands for the use of
his daughter, he would lend him what he should have occasion
for in the meantime; and if, upon her being of age, he
should be able to obtain her concurrence, the money should
be placed to her account, provided he could find any person
of credit, who would join with him in a bond, for the
assurance of the lender. This proviso was an obstruction
which the other would not have been able to surmount,
without great difficulty, had not his cause been espoused by
our hero, who thought it was a pity a man of honour and
understanding should suffer in his principal concerns on
such a paltry consideration. He therefore, presuming on his
acquaintance, interposed in the conversation as a friend,
who interested himself in the affair; and, being fully
informed of the particulars, offered himself as a security
for the lender. This gentleman being a stranger to
Peregrine, was next day made acquainted with his funds; and,
without further scruple, accommodated his friend with one
thousand pounds, for which he took their bond payable in six
months, though he protested that the money should never be
demanded, until the infant should be of age, unless some
accident should happen which he could not then foresee.
Pickle believed this declaration sincere, because he could
have no interest in dissembling; but what he chiefly
depended upon, for his own security, was the integrity and
confidence of the borrower, who assured him, that happen
what would, he should be able to stand between him and all
danger; the nature of his plan being such as would
infallibly treble the sum in a very few months.
In a little time after this transaction, writs being
issued out for electing a new parliament, our adventurer, by
the advice of his patron, went into the country, in order to
canvass for a borough, and lined his pockets with a
competent share of banknotes for the occasion. But in this
project he unfortunately happened to interfere with the
interest of a great family in the opposition, who, for a
long series of years, had made members for that place; and
were now so much offended at the intrusion of our young
gentleman, that they threatened to spend ten thousand pounds
in frustrating his design. This menace was no other than an
incitement to Peregrine, who confided so much in his own
influence and address, that he verily believed he should be
able to baffle his grace, even in his own territories. By
that victory he hoped to establish his reputation and
interest with the minister, who, through the recommendation
of his noble friend, countenanced his cause, and would have
been very well pleased to see one of his great enemies
suffer such a disgraceful overthrow, which would have,
moreover, in a great measure, shaken his credit with his
faction.
Our hero, intoxicated with the ideas of pride and
ambition, put all his talents to the test, in the execution
of this project. He spared no expense in treating the
electors; but, finding himself rivalled in this respect by
his competitor, who was powerfully supported, he had
recourse to those qualifications in which he thought himself
superior. He made balls for the ladies, visited the matrons
of the corporation, adapted himself to their various humours
with surprising facility, drank with those who loved a
cherishing cup in private, made love to the amorous, prayed
with the religious, gossiped with those who delighted in
scandal, and with great sagacity contrived agreeable
presents to them all. This was the most effectual method of
engaging such electors as were under the influence of their
wives. As for the rest, he assailed them in their own way,
setting whole hogsheads of beer and wine abroach, for the
benefit of comers; and into those sordid hearts that liquor
would not open, he found means to convey himself by the help
of a golden key.
While he thus exerted himself, his antagonist was not
idle: his age and infirmities would not permit him to enter
personally into their parties; but his stewards and
adherents bestirred themselves with great industry and
perseverance. The market for votes ran so high, that
Pickle's ready money was exhausted before the day of
election, and he was obliged to write to his patron an
account of the dilemma to which he was reduced, entreating
him to take such speedy measures as would enable him to
finish the business which he had so happily begun. This
nobleman communicated the circumstances of the case to the
minister, and in a day or two our candidate found credit
with the receiver-general of the county, who lent him twelve
hundred pounds on his personal note, payable on demand. By
means of this new supply he managed matters so successfully,
that an evident majority of votes was secured in his
interest, and nothing could have obstructed his election,
had not the noble peer who set up his competitor, in order
to avoid the shame and mortification of being foiled in his
own borough, offered to compromise the affair with his
honour, by giving up two members in another place, provided
the opposition should cease in his own corporation. This
proposal was greedily embraced. On the eve of the election,
Peregrine received an intimation from his patron, desiring
him to quit his pretensions, on pain of his and the
minister's displeasure, and promising that he should be
elected for another place.
No other disappointment in life could have given him such
chagrin as he felt at the receipt of this tantalizing order,
by which the cup of success was snatched from his lip, and
all the vanity of his ambitious hope humbled in the dust. He
cursed the whole chain of his court connections, inveighed
with great animosity against the rascally scheme of politics
to which he was sacrificed, and, in conclusion, swore he
would not give up the fruits of his own address for the
pleasure of any minister upon earth. This laudable
resolution, however, was rendered ineffectual by his friend
the receiver-general, who was bearer of the message, and,
after having in vain endeavoured to persuade him to
submission, fairly arrested him upon the spot for the money
he had advanced; this expedient being performed by virtue of
a writ which he had been advised to take out, in case the
young man should prove refractory.
The reader, who by this time must be pretty well
acquainted with the disposition of our hero, may easily
conceive how he relished this adventure. At first, all the
faculties of his soul were swallowed up in astonishment and
indignation; and some minutes elapsed before his nerves
would obey the impulse of his rage, which manifested itself
in such an application to the temples of the plaintiff, as
laid him sprawling on the floor. This assault, which was
committed in a tavern, whither he had been purposely
decoyed, attracted the regard of the bailiff and his
followers, who, to the number of four, rushed upon him at
once, in order to overpower him; but his wrath inspired him
with such additional strength and agility, that he
disengaged himself from them in a trice, and, seizing a
poker, which was the first weapon that presented itself to
his hand, exercised it upon their skulls with incredible
dexterity and execution. The officer himself, who had been
the first that presumed to lay violent hands upon him, felt
the first effects of his fury in a blow upon the jaws, in
consequence of which he lost three of his teeth, and fell
athwart the body of the receiver, with which he formed the
figure of a St. Andrew's cross. One of his myrmidons, seeing
the fate of his chief, would not venture to attack the
victor in front, but, wheeling to one side, made an attempt
upon him in flank, and was received obliquely by our hero's
left hand and foot, so masterly disposed to the right side
of his leg, and the left side of his neck, that he bolted
head foremost into the chimney, where his chin was
encountered by the grate, which in a moment seared him to
the bone. The rest of the detachment did not think proper to
maintain the dispute, but, evacuating the room with great
expedition, locked the door on the outside, and bellowed
aloud to the receiver's servants, beseeching them to come to
the assistance of their master, who was in danger of his
life.
Meanwhile, this gentleman having recollected himself,
demanded a parley; which having with difficulty obtained of
our incensed candidate, in consequence of the most
submissive application, he complained grievously of the
young gentleman's intemperance and heat of disposition, and
very calmly represented the danger of his rashness and
indiscretion. He told him, that nothing could be more
outrageous or idle, than the resistance he had made against
the laws of his country, because he would find it
impracticable to withstand the whole executive power of the
country, which he could easily raise to apprehend and secure
him; that, over and above the disgrace that would accrue to
him from this imprudent conduct, he would knock his own
interest on the head, by disobliging his friends in the
administration, who were, to his knowledge, at present very
well disposed to do him service; that, for his own part,
what he had done was by the express order of his superiors,
and not out of any desire of distressing him; and that, far
from being his enemy, notwithstanding the shocking insult he
had sustained, he was ready to withdraw the writ, provided
he would listen to any reasonable terms of accommodation.
Peregrine, who was not more prone to anger than open to
conviction, being appeased by his condescension, moved by
his arguments, and chid by his own reflection for what he
had done in the precipitation of his wrath, began to give
ear to his remonstrances; and the bailiffs being ordered to
withdraw, they entered into a conference, the result of
which was our adventurer's immediate departure for London;
so that next day his competitor was unanimously chosen,
because nobody appeared to oppose his election. The
discontented Pickle, on his arrival in town, went directly
to the house of his patron, to whom, in the anguish of his
disappointment, he bitterly complained of the treatment he
had received, by which, besides the disgrace of his
overthrow, he was no less than two thousand pounds out of
pocket, exclusive of the debt for which he stood engaged to
the receiver. His lordship, who was prepared for this
expostulation, on his knowledge of the young man's impetuous
temper, answered all the articles of his charge with great
deliberation, giving him to understand the motives that
induced the minister to quit his interest in that borough;
and soothing him with assurances that his loss would be
amply rewarded by his honour, to whom he was next day
introduced by this nobleman, in the warmest style of
recommendation. The minister, who was a pattern of
complaisance, received him with the most engaging
affability; thanked him very kindly for his endeavours to
support and strengthen the interest of the administration;
and faithfully promised to lay hold on the first opportunity
to express the sense he had of his zeal and attachment;
desiring to see him often at his levee, that, in the
multiplicity of business, he might not be in danger of
forgetting his services and desert.
CHAPTER XC.
Peregrine commences Minister's Dependant—Meets by Accident
with Mrs. Gauntlet—And descends gradually in the Condition
of Life.
This reception, favourable as it was, did not please
Peregrine, who had too much discernment to be cajoled with
general promises, at a time when he thought himself entitled
to the most particular assurance. He accordingly signified
his disgust to his introductor, giving him to understand,
that he had laid his account with being chosen
representative of one of those boroughs for which he had
been sacrificed. His lordship agreed to the reasonableness
of his expectation, observing, however, that he could not
suppose the minister would enter upon business with him on
his first visit; and that it would be time enough at his
next audience to communicate his demand. Notwithstanding
this remonstrance, our hero continued to indulge his
suspicion and chagrin, and even made a point of it with his
patron, that his lordship should next day make application
on his behalf, lest the two seats should be filled up, on
pretence of his inclinations being unknown. Thus importuned,
my lord went to his principal, and returned with an answer,
importing that his honour was extremely sorry that Mr.
Pickle had not signified his request before the boroughs in
question were promised to two gentlemen whom he could not
now disappoint, with any regard to his own credit or
interest; but, as several persons who would be chosen were,
to his certain knowledge, very aged and infirm, he did not
doubt that there would be plenty of vacant seats in a very
short time, and then, the young gentleman might depend upon
his friendship.
Peregrine was so much irritated at this intimation, that,
in the first transports of his anger he forgot the respect
he owed his friend, and in his presence inveighed against
the minister, as a person devoid of gratitude and candour,
protesting, that if ever an opportunity should offer itself,
he would spend the whole remains of his fortune in opposing
his measures. The nobleman having given him time to exhaust
the impetuosity of his passion, rebuked him very calmly for
his disrespectful expressions, which were equally injurious
and indiscreet; assured him that this project of revenge, if
ever put in execution, would redound to his own prejudice
and confusion; and advised him to cultivate and improve,
with patience and assiduity, the footing he had already
obtained in the minister's good graces.
Our hero, convinced of the truth, though not satisfied
with the occasion of his admonitions, took his leave in a
fit of sullen discontent, and began to ruminate upon the
shattered posture of his affairs. All that now remained of
the ample fortune he had inherited was the sum he had
deposited in his lordship's hands, together with fifteen
hundred pounds he had ventured on bottomry, and the
garrison, which he had left for the use and accommodation of
the lieutenant; and, on the per contra side of his account,
he was debtor for the supply he had received from the
receiver-general, and the money for which he was bound in
behalf of his friend; so that he found himself, for the
first time of his life, very much embarrassed in his
circumstances. For, of the first half-year's interest of his
ten thousand, which was punctually paid, he had but
fourscore pounds in bank, without any prospect of a farther
supply till the other term, which was at the distance of
four long months. He seriously reflected upon the
uncertainty of human affairs: the ship with his fifteen
hundred pounds might be lost; the gentleman for whom he was
security might miscarry in this, as well as in his former
projects, and the minister might one day, through policy or
displeasure, expose him to the mercy of his dependant, who
was in possession of his notes.
These suggestions did not at all contribute to the ease
of our adventurer's mind, already ruffled by his
disappointment. He cursed his own folly and extravagance, by
which he was reduced to such an uncomfortable situation. He
compared his own conduct with that of some young gentlemen
of his acquaintance, who, while he was squandering away the
best part of his inheritance, had improved their fortunes,
strengthened their interest, and increased their reputation.
He was abandoned by his gaiety and good-humour, his
countenance gradually contracted itself into a
representation of severity and care, he dropped all his
amusements and the companions of his pleasure, and turned
his whole attention to the minister, at whose levees he
never failed to appear.
While he thus laboured in the wheel of dependence, with
all that mortification which a youth of his pride and
sensibility may be supposed to feel from such a disagreeable
necessity, he one day heard himself called by name, as he
crossed the park; and, turning, perceived the wife of
Captain Gauntlet, with another lady. He no sooner recognized
the kind Sophy, than he accosted her with his wonted
civility and friendship; but his former sprightly air was
metamorphosed into such austerity, or rather dejection of
feature, that she could scarce believe her own eyes, and, in
her astonishment, "Is it possible," said she, "that the gay
Mr. Pickle should be so much altered in such a short space
of time!" He made no other reply to this exclamation, but by
a languid smile; and asked how long she had been in town;
observing, that he would have paid his compliments to her at
her own lodgings, had he been favoured with the least
intimation of her arrival. After having thanked him for his
politeness, she told him, it was not owing to any abatement
of her friendship and esteem for him, that she had omitted
to give him that notice; but his abrupt departure from
Windsor, and the manner in which he quitted Mr. Gauntlet,
had given her just grounds to believe that they had incurred
his displeasure; which suspicion was reinforced by his long
silence and neglect from that period to the present time.
She observed it was still farther confirmed, by his
forbearing to inquire for Emilia and her brother: "judge,
then," said she, "if I had any reason to believe that you
would be pleased to hear that I was in town. However, I will
not detain you at present, because you seem to be engaged
about some particular business; but, if you will favour me
with your company at breakfast to-morrow, I shall be much
pleased, and honoured to boot, by the visit." So saying, she
gave him a direction to her lodgings; and he took his leave,
with a faithful promise of seeing her at the appointed time.
He was very much affected with this advance of Sophy,
which he considered as an instance of her uncommon sweetness
of temper; he felt strange longings of returning friendship
towards Godfrey; and the remembrance of Emilia melted his
heart, already softened with grief and mortification. Next
day he did not neglect his engagement, and had the pleasure
of enjoying a long conversation with this sensible young
lady, who gave him to understand that her husband was with
his regiment; and presented to him a fine boy, the
first-fruits of their love, whom they had christened by the
name of Peregrine, in memory of the friendship which had
subsisted between Godfrey and our youth.
This proof of their regard, notwithstanding the
interruption in their correspondence, made a deep impression
upon the mind of our adventurer, who having made the warmest
acknowledgments for this undeserved mark of respect, took
the child in his arms, and almost devoured him with kisses,
protesting before God, that he should always consider him
with the tenderness of a parent. This was the highest
compliment he could pay to the gentle Sophy, who again
kindly chid him for his disdainful and precipitate retreat,
immediately after her marriage; and expressed an earnest
desire of seeing him and the captain reconciled. He assured
her, nothing could give him greater satisfaction than such
an event, to which he would contribute all that lay in his
power, though he could not help looking upon himself as
injured by Captain Gauntlet's behaviour, which denoted a
suspicion of his honour, as well as contempt for his
understanding. The lady undertook for the concession of her
husband, who, she told him, had been extremely sorry for his
own heat, after Mr. Pickle's departure, and would have
followed him to the garrison, in order to solicit his
forgiveness, had he not been restrained by certain
punctilios, occasioned by some acrimonious expressions that
dropped from Peregrine at the inn.
After having cleared up this misunderstanding, she
proceeded to give an account of Emilia, whose behaviour, at
that juncture, plainly indicated a continuance of affection
for her first lover; and desired, that he would give her
full powers to bring that matter also to an accommodation:
"For I am not more certain of my own existence," said she,
"than that you are still in possession of my sister's
heart." At this declaration, the tear started in his eye.
But he shook his head, and declined her good offices,
wishing that the young lady might be much more happy than
ever he should be able to make her.
Mrs. Gauntlet, confounded at these expressions, and moved
by the desponding manner in which they were delivered,
begged to know if any new obstacle was raised, by some late
change in his sentiments or situation. And he, in order to
avoid a painful explanation, told her, that he had long
despaired of being able to vanquish Emilia's resentment, and
for that reason quitted the pursuit, which he would never
renew, howsoever his heart might suffer by that resolution;
though he took Heaven to witness, that his love, esteem, and
admiration of her, were not in the least impaired. But the
true motive of his laying aside his design, was the
consciousness of his decayed fortune, which, by adding to
the sensibility of his pride, increased the horror of
another repulse. She expressed her concern for this
determination, both on his own account, and in behalf of
Emilia, whose happiness, in her opinion, depended upon his
constancy and affection; and she would have questioned him
more minutely about the state of his affairs, had not he
discouraged the inquiry, by seeking to introduce another
subject of conversation.
After mutual protestations of friendship and regard, he
promised to visit her often, during her residence in town;
and took his leave in a strange perplexity of mind,
occasioned by the images of love, intruding upon the
remonstrances of carking care. He had some time ago forsaken
those extravagant companions with whom he had rioted in the
heyday of his fortune, and begun to consort with a graver
and more sober species of acquaintance. But he now found
himself disabled from cultivating the society of these also,
who were men of ample estates and liberal dispositions; in
consequence of which, their parties were too expensive for
the consumptive state of his finances; so that he was
obliged to descend to another degree, and mingle with a set
of old bachelors and younger brothers, who subsisted on
slender annuities, or what is called a bare competency in
the public funds. This association was composed of
second-hand politicians and minor critics, who in the
forenoon saunter in the Mall, or lounge at shows of
pictures, appear in the drawing-room once or twice a week,
dine at an ordinary, decide disputes in a coffee-house, with
an air of superior intelligence, frequent the pit of the
playhouse, and once in a month spend an evening with some
noted actor, whose remarkable sayings they repeat for the
entertainment of their ordinary friends.
After all, he found something comfortable enough in the
company of these gentlemen, who never interested his
passions to any violence of transport, nor teased him with
impertinent curiosity about his private affairs. For, though
many of them had maintained a very long, close, and friendly
correspondence with each other, they never dreamt of
inquiring into particular concerns; and if one of the two
who were most intimately connected, had been asked how the
other made a shift to live, he would have answered with
great truth, "Really, that is more than I know."
Notwithstanding this phlegmatic indifference, which is of
the true English production, they were all inoffensive,
good-natured people, who loved a joke and a song, delighted
in telling a merry story, and prided themselves in the art
of catering, especially in the articles of fish, venison,
and wild fowl.
Our young gentleman was not received among them on the
footing of a common member, who makes interest for his
admission; he was courted as a person of superior genius and
importance, and his compliance looked upon as an honour to
their society. This their idea of his pre-eminence was
supported by his conversation, which, while it was more
liberal and learned than that to which they had been
accustomed, was tinctured with an assuming air, so agreeably
diffused, that, instead of producing aversion, it commanded
respect. They not only appealed to him, in all doubts
relating to foreign parts, to which one and all of them were
strangers, but also consulted his knowledge in history and
divinity, which were frequently the topics of their debates;
and, in poetry of all kinds, he decided with such
magisterial authority, as even weighed against the opinions
of the players themselves. The variety of characters he had
seen and observed, and the high spheres of life in which he
had so lately moved, furnished him with a thousand
entertaining anecdotes. When he became a little familiarized
to his disappointments, so that his natural vivacity began
to revive, he flashed among them in such a number of bright
sallies, as struck them with admiration, and constituted
himself a classic in wit; insomuch that they began to retail
his remnants, and even invited some particular friends to
come and hear him hold forth. One of the players, who had
for many years strutted about the taverns in the
neighbourhood of Covent Garden as the Grand Turk of wit and
humour, began to find his admirers melt away; and a certain
petulant physician, who had shone at almost all the port
clubs in that end of the town, was actually obliged to
import his talents into the city, where he was now happily
taken root.
Nor was this success to be wondered at, if we consider
that, over and above his natural genius and education, our
adventurer still had the opportunity of knowing everything
which happened among the great, by means of his friend
Cadwallader, with whom he still maintained his former
intimacy, though it was now chequered with many occasional
tiffs, owing to the sarcastic remonstrances of the
misanthrope, who disapproved of those schemes which
miscarried with Peregrine, and now took unseasonable methods
of valuing himself upon his own foresight. Nay, he was
between whiles like a raven, croaking presages of more
ill-luck from the deceit of the minister, the dissimulation
of his patron, the folly of the projector, for whom he was
bound, the uncertainty of the seas, and the villainy of
those with whom he had entrusted his cash, for Crabtree saw
and considered everything through a perspective of spleen,
that always reflected the worst side of human nature. For
these reasons our young gentleman began to be disgusted, at
certain intervals, with the character of this old man, whom
he now thought a morose cynic, not so much incensed against
the follies and vices of mankind, as delighted with the
distress of his fellow-creatures. Thus he put the most
unfavourable construction on the principles of his friend,
because he found himself justly fallen under the lash of his
animadversion. Thus self-accusation very often dissolves the
closest friendship. A man, conscious of his own
indiscretion, is implacably offended at the rectitude of his
companion's conduct, which he considers as an insult upon
his failings, never to be forgiven, even though he has not
tasted the bitterness of reproof, which no sinner can
commodiously digest. The friendship, therefore, subsisting
between Crabtree and Pickle, had of late suffered several
symptomatic shocks, that seemed to prognosticate a total
dissolution; a great deal of smart dialogue had passed in
their private conversations, and the senior began to repent
of having placed his confidence in such an imprudent,
headstrong ungovernable youth.
It was in such paroxysms of displeasure that he
prophesied misfortune to Peregrine, and even told him one
morning, that he had dreamed of the shipwreck of the two
East Indiamen, on board of which he had hazarded his money.
But this was no other than a false vision; for in a few
weeks, one of them arrived at her moorings in the river, and
he received a thousand in lieu of eight hundred pounds which
he had lent upon bond to one of the mates. At the same time
he was informed, that the other ship, in which he was
concerned, had, in all probability, lost her passage for the
season, by being unable to weather the Cape. He was not at
all concerned at that piece of news, knowing, that the
longer he should be out of his money, he would have the more
interest to receive; and, finding his present difficulties
removed by this supply, his heart began to dilate, and his
countenance to resume its former alacrity. This state of
exultation, however, was soon interrupted by a small
accident, which he could not foresee. He was visited one
morning by the person who had lent his friend a thousand
pounds on his security, and given to understand, that the
borrower had absconded, in consequence of a disappointment,
by which he had lost the whole sum and all hopes of
retrieving it; so that our hero was now liable for the debt,
which he besought him to discharge according to the bond,
that he, the lender, might not suffer by his humanity. It
may be easily conceived that Peregrine did not receive this
intelligence in cold blood. He cursed his own imprudence in
contracting such engagements with an adventurer, whom he did
not sufficiently know. He exclaimed against the treachery of
the projector; and having for some time indulged his
resentment in threats and imprecations, inquired into the
nature of the scheme which had miscarried.
The lender, who had informed himself of the whole affair,
gratified his curiosity in this particular, by telling him
that the fugitive had been cajoled by a certain knight of
the post, who undertook to manage the thousand pounds in
such a manner as would, in a very little time, make him
perfectly independent; and thus he delineated the plan: "One
half of the sum," said he, "shall be laid out in jewels,
which I will pawn to certain persons of credit and fortune,
who lend money upon such pledges at an exorbitant interest.
The other shall be kept for relieving them, so that they may
be again deposited with a second set of those honourable
usurers; and when they shall have been circulated in this
manner through a variety of hands, we will extort money from
each of the pawnbrokers, by threatening them with a public
prosecution, for exacting illegal interest; and I know that
they will bleed freely, rather than be exposed to the infamy
attending such an accusation." The scheme was feasible, and
though not very honourable, made such an impression upon the
needy borrower, that he assented to the proposals; and, by
our hero's credit, the money was raised. The jewels were
accordingly purchased, pawned, relieved, and repledged by
the agent, who undertook to manage the whole affair; and so
judiciously was the project executed, that he could have
easily proved each lender guilty of the charge. Having thus
far successfully transacted the business, this faithful
agent visited them severally on his own account, to give
them intimation, that his employer intended to sue them on
the statute of usury; upon which, every one for himself
bribed the informer to withdraw his evidence, by which alone
he could be convicted; and having received these
gratifications, he had thought proper to retreat into France
with the whole booty, including the original thousand that
put them in motion. In consequence of this decampment, the
borrower had withdrawn himself; so that the lender was
obliged to have recourse to his security.
This was a very mortifying account to our young
gentleman, who, in vain, reminded the narrator of his
promise, importing, that he would not demand the money,
until he should be called to an account by his ward; and
observed, that, long before that period, the fugitive might
appear and discharge the debt. But the other was deaf to
these remonstrances; alleging, that his promise was
provisional, on the supposition that the borrower would deal
candidly and fairly; that he had forfeited all title to his
friendship and trust, by the scandalous scheme in which he
had embarked; and that his treacherous flight from his
security was no proof of his honesty and intended return;
but, on the contrary, a warning, by which he, the lender,
was taught to take care of himself. He therefore insisted
upon his being indemnified immediately, on pain of letting
the law take its course; and Peregrine was actually obliged
to part with the whole sum he had so lately received. But
this payment was not made without extreme reluctance,
indignation, and denunciation of eternal war against the
absconder, and the rigid creditor, betwixt whom he suspected
some collusion.
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CHAPTER XCI.
Cadwallader acts the part of a Comforter to his Friend; and
in his turn is consoled by Peregrine, who begins to find
himself a most egregious Dupe.
This new misfortune, which he justly charged to the
account of his own folly, recalled his chagrin; and though
he endeavoured with all his might to conceal the affair from
the knowledge of Cadwallader, that prying observer perceived
his countenance overcast. The projector's sudden
disappearance alarming his suspicion, he managed his
inquiries with so much art, that in a few days he made
himself acquainted with every particular of the transaction,
and resolved to gratify his spleen at the expense of the
impatient dupe. With this view, he took an opportunity to
accost him with a very serious air, saying a friend of his
had immediate occasion for a thousand pounds, and as
Peregrine had the exact sum lying by him, he would take it
as a great favour if he would part with it for a few months
on undoubted security. Had Pickle known the true motive of
this demand, he would in all likelihood have made a very
disagreeable answer; but Crabtree had wrappped himself up so
securely in the dissimulation of his features, that the
youth could not possibly penetrate into his intention; and
in the most galling suspense replied, that the money was
otherwise engaged. The misanthrope, not contented with this
irritation, assumed the prerogative of a friend, and
questioned him so minutely about the disposal of the cash,
that, after numberless evasions, which cost him a world of
torture to invent, he could contain his vexation no longer,
but exclaimed in a rage, "D— your impertinence! 'tis gone to
the devil, and that's enough!"—"Thereafter, as it may be,"
said this tormentor, with a most provoking indifference of
aspect, "I should be glad to know upon what footing; for I
suppose you have some expectation of advantage from that
quarter."—"'Sdeath! sir," cried the impatient youth, "if I
had any expectation from hell, I would make interest with
you; for I believe, from my soul, you are one of its most
favoured ministers upon earth." With these words, he flung
out of the room, leaving Cadwallader very well satisfied
with the chastisement he had bestowed.
Peregrine having cooled himself with a solitary walk in
the park, during which the violence of his choler gradually
evaporated, and his reflection was called to a serious
deliberation upon the posture of his affairs, he resolved to
redouble his diligence and importunity with his patron and
the minister, in order to obtain some sinecure, which would
indemnify him for the damage he had sustained on their
account. He accordingly went to his lordship and signified
his demand, after having told him, that he had suffered
several fresh losses, which rendered an immediate provision
of that sort necessary to his credit and subsistence. His
noble friend commended him for the regard he manifested for
his own interest, which he considered as a proof of his
being at last detached from the careless inadvertency of
youth; he approved of his demand, which he assured him
should be faithfully transmitted to the minister, and backed
with all his influence; and encouraged his hope, by
observing, that some profitable places were at that time
vacant, and, so far as he knew, unengaged.
This conversation helped to restore the tranquility of
Pickle's breast, though he still harboured resentment
against Cadwallader, on account of the last insult; and on
the instant he formed a plan of revenge. He knew the
misanthrope's remittances from his estate in the country had
been of late very scanty, in consequence of repairs and
bankruptcies among his tenants; so that, in spite of all his
frugality, he had been but barely able to maintain his
credit, and even that was engaged on the strength of his
running rent. Being therefore intimately acquainted with the
particulars of his fortune, he wrote a letter to Crabtree,
subscribed with the name of his principal farmer's wife,
importing that her husband being lately dead, and the
greatest part of her cattle destroyed by the infectious
distemper, she found herself utterly incapable of paying the
rent which was due, or even of keeping the farm, unless he
would, out of his great goodness, be pleased to give her
some assistance, and allow her to sit free for a twelvemonth
to come. This intimation he found means to convey by post
from a market town adjoining to the farm, directed in the
usual style to the cynic, who, seeing it stamped with the
known marks, could not possibly suspect any imposition.
Hackneyed as he was in the ways of life, and steeled with
his boasted stoicism, this epistle threw him into such an
agony of vexation, that a double proportion of souring was
visible in his aspect, when he was visited by the author,
who, having observed and followed the postman at a proper
distance, introduced a conversation upon his own
disappointments, in which, among other circumstances of his
own ill-luck, he told him, that his patron's steward had
desired to be excused from paying the last quarter of his
interest precisely at the appointed term, for which reason
he should be utterly void of cash, and therefore requested
that Crabtree would accommodate him with an hundred pieces
of his next remittance from the country.
This demand galled and perplexed the old man to such a
degree, that the muscles of his face assumed a contraction
peculiarly virulent, and exhibited the character of Diogenes
with a most lively expression; he knew that a confession of
his true situation would furnish Pickle with an opportunity
to make reprisals upon him, with intolerable triumph; and
that, by a downright refusal to supply his wants, he would
for ever forfeit his friendship and esteem, and might
provoke him to take ample vengeance for his sordid
behaviour, by exposing him, in his native colours, to the
resentment of those whom he had so long deceived. These
considerations kept him some time in a most rancorous state
of suspense, which Peregrine affected to misinterpret, by
bidding him freely declare his suspicion, if he did not
think it safe to comply with his request, and he would make
shift elsewhere.
This seeming misconstruction increased the torture of the
misanthrope, who, with the utmost irritation of feature,
"Oons!" cried he, "what villainy have you noted in my
conduct, that you treat me like a rascally usurer?"
Peregrine very gravely replied, that the question needed no
answer; "for," said he, "had I considered you as a usurer, I
would have come with a security under my arm; but, all
evasion apart, will you stead me? will you pleasure me?
shall I have the money?"—"Would it were in your belly, with
a barrel of gunpowder!" exclaimed the enraged cynic; "since
I must be excruciated, read that plaguy paper! 'Sblood! why
didn't nature clap a pair of long ears and a tail upon me,
that I might be a real ass, and champ thistles on some
common, independent of my fellow-creatures? Would I were a
worm, that I might creep into the earth, and thatch my
habitation with a single straw; or rather a wasp or a viper,
that I might make the rascally world feel my resentment. But
why do I talk of rascality? folly, folly, is the scourge of
life! Give me a scoundrel, so he be a sensible one, and I
will put him in my heart of hearts! but a fool is more
mischievous than famine, pestilence, and war. The idiotical
hag that writes, or causes to be writ, this same letter, has
ruined her family, and broke her husband's heart, by
ignorance and mismanagement; and she imputes her calamity to
Providence with a vengeance; and so I am defrauded of three
hundred pounds, the greatest part of which I owe to
tradesmen, whom I have promised to pay this very quarter.
Pox upon her! I would she were a horned beast, that the
distemper might lay hold on her. The beldame has the
impudence too, after she has brought me into this dilemma,
to solicit my assistance to stock the farm anew! Before God,
I have a good mind to send her a halter, and perhaps I might
purchase another for myself, but that I would not furnish
food for laughter to knaves and coxcombs."
Peregrine having perused the billet, and listened to this
ejaculation, replied with great composure, that he was
ashamed to see a man of his years and pretensions to
philosophy so ruffled by a trifle. "What signify all the
boasted hardships you have overcome," said he, "and the
shrewd observations you pretend to have made on human
nature? Where is that stoical indifference you affirm you
have attained, if such a paltry disappointment can disturb
you in this manner? What is the loss of three hundred
pounds, compared with the misfortunes which I myself have
undergone within these two years? Yet you will take upon you
to act the censor, and inveigh against the impatience and
impetuosity of youth, as if you yourself had gained an
absolute conquest over all the passions of the heart. You
were so kind as to insult me another day in my affliction,
by reproaching me with indiscretion and misconduct: suppose
I were now to retort the imputation, and ask how a man of
your profound sagacity could leave your fortune at the
discretion of ignorant peasants? How could you be so blind
as not to foresee the necessity of repairs, together with
the danger of bankruptcy, murrain, or thin crop? Why did you
not convert your land into ready money, and, as you have no
connections in life, purchase an annuity, on which you might
have lived at your ease, without any fear of the
consequence? Can't you, from the whole budget of your
philosophy, cull one apophthegm to console you for this
trivial mischance?"
"Rot your rapidity!" said the cynic, half-choked with
gall; "if the cancer or the pox were in your throat, I
should not be thus tormented with your tongue; and yet a
magpie shall speak infinitely more to the purpose. Don't you
know, Mr. Wiseacre, that my case does not fall within the
province of philosophy? Had I been curtailed of all my
members, racked by the gout and gravel, deprived of liberty,
robbed of an only child, or visited with the death of a dear
friend like you, philosophy might have contributed to my
consolation; but will philosophy pay my debts, or free me
from the burden of obligation to a set of fellows whom I
despise?—speak-pronounce-demonstrate, or may Heaven close
your mouth for ever!"
"These are the comfortable fruits of your misanthropy,"
answered the youth; "your laudable scheme of detaching
yourself from the bonds of society, and of moving in a
superior sphere of your own. Had you not been so peculiarly
sage, and intent upon laughing at mankind, you could never
have been disconcerted by such a pitiful inconvenience; any
friend would have accommodated you with the sum in question.
But now the world may retort the laugh; for you stand upon
such an agreeable footing with your acquaintance, that
nothing could please them better than an account of your
having given disappointment the slip, by the help of a noose
properly applied. This I mention by way of hint, upon which
I would have you chew the cud of reflection; and, should it
come to that issue, I will use my whole interest with the
coroner to bring in his verdict lunacy, that your carcase
may have Christian burial."
So saying, he withdrew, very well satisfied with the
revenge he had taken, which operated so violently upon
Crabtree, that, if it had not been for the sole
consideration mentioned above, he would, in all probability,
have had recourse to the remedy proposed. But his
unwillingness to oblige and entertain his fellow-creatures
hindered him from practising that expedient, till, by course
of post, he was happily undeceived with regard to the
situation of his affairs; and that information had such an
effect upon him, that he not only forgave our hero for the
stratagem, which he immediately ascribed to the right
author, but also made him a tender of his purse; so that
matters for the present were brought to an amicable
accommodation.
Meanwhile Peregrine never slacked in his attendance upon
the great; he never omitted to appear upon every levee day,
employed his industry and penetration in getting
intelligence of posts that were unfilled, and every day
recommended himself to the good offices of his patron, who
seemed to espouse his interest with great cordiality;
nevertheless, he was always too late in his application, or
the place he demanded chanced to be out of the minister's
gift. These intimations, though communicated in the most
warm professions of friendship and regard, gave great
umbrage to the young gentleman, who considered them as the
evasions of an insincere courtier, and loudly complained of
them as such to his lordship, signifying, at the same time,
an intention to sell his mortgage for ready money, which he
would expend to the last farthing in thwarting his honour,
in the very first election he should patronize. His lordship
never wanted a proper exhortation upon these occasions. He
did not now endeavour to pacify him with assurances of the
minister's favour, because he perceived that these medicines
had, by repeated use, lost their effect upon our adventurer,
whose menaces he now combated by representing that the
minister's purse was heavier than that of Mr. Pickle; that,
therefore, should he make a point of opposing his interest,
the youth must infallibly fail in the contest; in which case
he would find himself utterly destitute of the means of
subsistence, and consequently precluded from all hope of
provision.
This was an observation, the truth of which our young
gentleman could not pretend to doubt, though it did not at
all tend to the vindication of his honour's conduct. Indeed,
Pickle began to suspect the sincerity of his own patron,
who, in his opinion, had trifled with his impatience, and
even eluded, by sorry excuses, his desire of having another
private audience of the first mover. His lordship also began
to be less accessible than usual; and Peregrine had been
obliged to dun the steward with repeated demands, before he
could finger the last quarter of his interest. Alarmed by
these considerations, he went and consulted the nobleman
whom he had obliged in the affair of his son, and had the
mortification to hear but a very indifferent character of
the person in whom he had so long confided. This new
adviser, who, though a courtier, was a rival of the other,
gave our adventurer to understand, that he had been leaning
upon a broken reed; that his professed patron was a man of
shattered fortune and decayed interest, which extended no
farther than a smile and a whisper; that, for his own part,
he should have been proud of an opportunity to use his
influence with the minister in behalf of Mr. Pickle. "But,
since you have put yourself under the protection of another
peer," said he, "whose connections interfere with mine, I
cannot now espouse your cause, without incurring the
imputation of seducing that nobleman's adherents; a charge
which, of all others, I would most carefully avoid. However,
I shall always be ready to assist you with my private
advice, as a specimen of which, I now counsel you to insist
upon having another interview with Sir Steady Steerwell
himself, that you may in person explain your pretensions,
without any risk of being misrepresented; and endeavour, if
possible, to draw him into some particular promise, from
which he cannot retract, with any regard to his reputation;
for general profession is a necessary armour worn by all
ministers in their own defence, against the importunity of
those whom they will not befriend, and would not disoblige."
This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments,
that our adventurer seized the first opportunity to demand a
hearing, and plainly told his patron, that, if he could not
be indulged with that favour, he should look upon his
lordship's influence to be very small, and his own hopes to
be altogether desperate; in which case he was resolved to
dispose of the mortgage, purchase an annuity, and live
independent.
CHAPTER XCII.
He is indulged with a second Audience by the Minister, of
whose Sincerity he is convinced—His Pride and Ambition
revive, and again are mortified.
If the young gentleman's money had been in other hands,
perhaps the peer would have been at very little pains,
either in gratifying his demand, or opposing his revenge;
but he knew that the sale of the mortgage could not be
effected without an inquiry, to which he did not wish to be
exposed. He, therefore, employed all his interest in
procuring the solicited audience. This being granted,
Peregrine, with great warmth and elocution, expatiated upon
the injury his fortune had suffered in the affair of the
borough, for which he had stood candidate; he took notice of
the disappointment he had sustained in the other election,
reminded him of the promises with which he had been amused,
and, in conclusion, desired to know what he had to expect
from his favour. The minister having patiently heard him to
an end, replied with a most gracious aspect, that he was
very well informed of his merit and attachment, and very
much disposed to convince him of the regard which he paid to
both; that till of late he did not know the nature of his
expectations, neither had he the power of creating posts for
those whom he was inclined to serve; but if Mr. Pickle would
chalk out any feasible method by which he could manifest his
sentiments of friendship, he should not be backward in
executing the plan.
Peregrine, laying hold on this declaration, mentioned
several places which he knew to be vacant. But the old
evasion was still used; one of them was not in his
department of business, another had been promised to the
third son of a certain earl before the death of the last
possessor, and a third was encumbered with a pension that
ate up a good half of the appointments. In short, such
obstructions were started to all his proposals as he could
not possibly surmount, though he plainly perceived they were
no other than specious pretexts to cover the mortifying side
of a refusal. Exasperated, therefore, at this lack of
sincerity and gratitude, "I can easily foresee," said he,
"that such difficulties will never be wanting, when I have
anything to ask; and for that reason will save myself the
trouble of any further application." So saying, he withdrew
in a very abrupt manner, breathing defiance and revenge. But
his patron, who did not think proper to drive him to
extremities, found means to persuade his honour to do
something for the pacification of the young man's choler;
and that same evening our adventurer received a message from
his lordship, desiring to see him immediately.
In consequence of this intimation, Pickle went to his
house, and appeared before him with a very cloudy aspect,
which signified to whom it might concern, that his temper
was at present too much galled to endure reproof; and
therefore the sagacious peer forbore taking him to task for
his behaviour during the audience he had obtained; but gave
him to understand, that the minister, in consideration of
his services, had sent him a bank-note of three hundred
pounds, with a promise of the like sum yearly, until he
could be otherwise provided for. This declaration in some
measure appeased the youth, who condescended to accept the
present; and, next levee day, made his acknowledgment to the
donor, who favoured him with a smile of infinite
complacency, which entirely dissipated all the remains of
his resentment; for, as he could not possibly divine the
true cause of his being temporized with, he looked upon this
condescension as an undoubted proof of Sir Steady's
sincerity, and firmly believed that he would settle him in
some place with the first opportunity, rather than continue
to pay this pension out of his own pocket. In all
probability, his prediction would have been verified, had
not an unforeseen accident in a moment overwhelmed the
barque of his interest at court.
Meanwhile, this short gleam of good fortune recalled the
ideas of pride and ambition which he had formerly cherished.
His countenance was again lifted up, his good-humour
retrieved, and his mien reexalted. Indeed, he began to be
considered as a rising man by his fellow-dependents, who saw
the particular notice with which he was favoured at the
public levee; and some of them, for that reason, were at
pains to court his good graces. He no longer shunned his
former intimates, with whom a good part of his fortune had
been spent, but made up to them in all places of public
resort, with the same ease and familiarity as he had been
used to express, and even re-embarked in some of their
excesses, upon the strength of his sanguine expectation.
Cadwallader and he renewed their consultations in the court
of ridicule; and divers exploits were achieved, to the
confusion of those who had "sailed into the north of their
displeasure."
But these enjoyments were soon interrupted by a
misfortune equally fatal and unexpected. His noble patron
was seized with an apoplectic fit, from which he was
recovered by the physicians, that they might despatch him
according to rule, and in two months after they were called,
he went the way of all flesh. Peregrine was very much
afflicted at this event, not only on account of his
friendship for the deceased, to whom he thought himself
under many and great obligations, but also because he feared
that his own interest would suffer a severe shock, by the
removal of this nobleman, whom he considered as its chief
support. He put himself therefore in mourning, out of regard
to the memory of his departed friend, and exhibited genuine
marks of sorrow and concern, though he had in reality more
cause to grieve than he as yet imagined. When quarter-day
came about, he applied to the steward of his lordship's heir
for the interest of his money, as usual; and the reader will
readily own he had some reason to be surprised, when he was
told he had no claim either to principal or interest. True
it is, the manager talked very civilly as well as sensibly
on the subject. "Your appearance, sir," said he to Pickle,
"screens you from all suspicion of an intended fraud; but
the mortgage upon those lands you mention was granted to
another person many years before you pretend to have lent
that sum; and I have, this very morning, paid one quarter's
interest, as appears from this receipt, which you may peruse
for your satisfaction."
Peregrine was so thunderstruck at this information, which
stripped him of his all, that he could not utter one word; a
circumstance that did no great honour to his character in
the opinion of the steward, who, in good earnest, began to
entertain some doubts of his integrity. For, among the
papers of the deceased, which he had examined, there was no
writing, memorandum, or receipt relating to this
encumbrance. After a long pause of stupefaction, Peregrine
recollected himself so far as to observe, that either he was
egregiously mistaken, or the predecessor of his lord the
greatest villain upon earth. "But, Mr. Whatd'ycallum," said
he, "you must give me leave to tell you, that your bare
assertion in this affair will by no means induce me to put
up quietly with the loss of ten thousand pounds."
Having thus expressed himself, he retired from the house
so discontented at this demur, that he scarce knew whether
he moved upon his head or heels; and the park chancing to be
in his way, he sauntered about, giving vent to a soliloquy
in praise of his departed friend, the burden of which was a
string of incoherent curses imprecated upon himself; till
his transports by degrees giving way to his reflection, he
deliberated seriously and sorrowfully upon his misfortune,
and resolved to consult lawyers without loss of time. But,
first of all, he proposed to make personal application to
the heir, who, by a candid representation of the case, might
be inclined to do him justice. In consequence of this
determination, he next morning put his writings in his
pocket, and went in a chair to the house of the young
nobleman, to whom, being admitted by virtue of his
appearance, and a small gratification to the porter, he
explained the whole affair, corroborating his assertions
with the papers which he produced, and describing the
disgrace that would be entailed upon the memory of the
deceased, should he be obliged to seek redress in a public
court of justice.
The executor, who was a person of good breeding, condoled
him upon his loss with great good-nature, though he did not
seem much surprised at his account of the matter; but
wished, that, since the fraud must have been committed, the
damage had fallen upon the first mortgager, who, he said,
was a thievish usurer, grown rich by the distresses of his
fellow-creatures. In answer to our hero's remonstrances, he
observed, that he did not look upon himself as obliged to
pay the least regard to the character of his predecessor,
who had used him with great barbarity and injustice, not
only in excluding him from his countenance and assistance,
but also in prejudicing his inheritance as much as lay in
his power; so that it could not be reasonably expected that
he would pay ten thousand pounds of his debt, for which he
had received no value. Peregrine, in spite of his chagrin,
could not help owning within himself, that there was a good
deal of reason in this refusal. After having given loose to
his indignation in the most violent invectives against the
defunct, he took his leave of the complaisant heir, and had
immediate recourse to the advice of counsel, who assured him
that he had an excellent plea, and was accordingly retained
in the cause.
All these measures were taken in the first vigour of his
exertion, during which his spirits were so fluttered with
the diversity of passions produced by his mischance, that he
mistook for equanimity that which was no other than
intoxication; and two whole days elapsed before he attained
a due sense of his misfortune. Then, indeed, he underwent a
woeful self-examination; every circumstance of the inquiry
added fresh pangs to his reflection; and the result of the
whole was a discovery, that his fortune was totally
consumed, and himself reduced to a state of the most
deplorable dependence. This suggestion alone might, in the
anguish of his despondency, have driven him to some
desperate course, had it not been in some measure qualified
by the confidence of his lawyers, and the assurance of the
minister, which, slender as the world hath generally found
them, were the only bulwarks between misery and him.
The mind is naturally pliable, and, provided it has the
least hope to lean upon, adapts itself wonderfully to the
emergencies of fortune, especially when the imagination is
gay and luxuriant. This was the case with our adventurer;
instead of indulging the melancholy ideas which his loss
inspired, he had recourse to the flattering delusions of
hope, soothing himself with unsubstantial plans of future
greatness, and endeavouring to cover what was past with the
veil of oblivion. After some hesitation, he resolved to make
Crabtree acquainted with his misfortune, that once for all
he might pass the ordeal of his satire, without subjecting
himself to a long series of sarcastic hints and doubtful
allusions, which he could not endure. He accordingly took
the first opportunity of telling him that he was absolutely
ruined by the perfidy of his patron, and desired that he
would not aggravate his affliction by those cynical remarks
which were peculiar to men of his misanthropical
disposition. Cadwallader listened to this declaration with
internal surprise, which, however, produced no alteration in
his countenance; and, after some pause, observed, that our
hero had no reason to look for any new observation from him
upon this event, which he had long foreseen, and daily
expected, and exhorted him, with an ironical sneer, to
console himself with the promise of the minister, who would
doubtless discharge the debts of his deceased bosom friend.
CHAPTER XCIII.
Peregrine commits himself to the Public, and is admitted
Member of a College of Authors.
The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our
young gentleman began to revolve within himself schemes for
making up the deficiencies of his yearly income, which was
now so grievously reduced; and determined to profit, in some
shape or other, by those talents which he owed to nature and
education. He had, in his affluence, heard of several
authors, who, without any pretensions to genius or human
literature, earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking
work for booksellers, in which reputation was not at all
concerned. One, for example, professed all manner of
translation, at so much per sheet, and actually kept five or
six amanuenses continually employed, like so many clerks in
a counting-house, by which means he was enabled to live at
his ease, and enjoy his friend and his bottle, ambitious of
no other character than that of an honest man and a good
neighbour. Another projected a variety of plans for new
dictionaries, which were executed under his eye by
day-labourers; and the province of a third was history and
voyages, collected or abridged by understrappers of the same
class.
Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to
his own capacity, as banished all doubts of his being able
to excel any of those undertakers in their different
branches of profession, if ever he should be driven to that
experiment; but his ambition prompted him to make his
interest and glory coincide, by attempting some performance
which should do him honour with the public, and at the same
time establish his importance among the copy-purchasers in
town. With this view, he worshipped the muse; and, conscious
of the little regard which is in this age paid to every
species of poetic composition, in which neither satire nor
obscenity occurs, he produced an imitation of Juvenal, and
lashed some conspicuous characters, with equal truth,
spirit, and severity. Though his name did not appear in the
title-page of this production, he managed matters so that
the work was universally imputed to the true author, who was
not altogether disappointed in his expectations of success;
for the impression was immediately sold off, and the piece
became the subject of conversation in all assemblies of
taste.
This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of
the booksellers, who made interest for his acquaintance, but
also roused the notice of a society of authors, who styled
themselves "The College," from which he was honoured with a
deputation, offering to enroll him a member by unanimous
consent. The person employed for this purpose being a bard
who had formerly tasted of our hero's bounty, used all his
eloquence to persuade him to comply with the advances of
their fraternity, which he described in such a manner as
inflamed the curiosity of Pickle, who dismissed the
ambassador, with an acknowledgment of the great honour they
conferred upon him, and a faithful promise of endeavouring
to merit the continuance of their approbation.
He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in
the ceremonies of the college; and, in consequence of his
information, composed an ode, to be publicly recited on the
evening of his introduction. He understood that this
constitution was no other than a body of authors,
incorporated by mutual consent, for their joint advantage
and satisfaction, opposed to another assembly of the same
kind, their avowed enemies and detractors. No wonder, then,
that they sought to strengthen themselves with such a
valuable acquisition as our hero was likely to prove. The
college consisted of authors only, and these of all degrees
in point of reputation, from the fabricator of a song, set
to music, and sung at Marylebone, to the dramatic bard who
had appeared in buskins upon the stage: nay, one of the
members had actually finished eight books of an epic poem,
for the publication of which he was at that time soliciting
subscriptions.
It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the
sons of Apollo would sit a whole evening with order and
decorum, unless they were under the check of some
established authority; and this inconvenience having been
foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with full
power to silence any member or members that should attempt
to disturb the harmony and subordination of the whole. The
sage, who at this time possessed the chair, was a person in
years, whose countenance was a lively portraiture of that
rancorous discontent which follows repeated damnation. He
had been extremely unfortunate in his theatrical
productions, and was, to use the words of a profane wag, who
assisted at the condemnation of his last play, by this time
d—d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he still tarried about
the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics,
and writing miscellanies, and by dint of an invincible
assurance, supercilious insolence, the most undaunted
virulence of tongue, and some knowledge of life, he made
shift to acquire and maintain the character of a man of
learning and wit, in the opinion of people who had neither;
that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom he
associated himself. He was even looked upon in this light by
some few of the college; though the major part of those who
favoured his election, were such as dreaded his malice,
respected his experience and seniority, or hated his
competitor, who was the epic poet.
The chief end of this society, as I have already hinted,
was to assist and support each other in their productions,
which they mutually recommended to sale, with all their art
and influence, not only in private conversation, but also in
occasional epigrams, criticisms, and advertisements,
inserted in the public papers. This science, which is known
by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they carried to such a
pitch of finesse, that an author very often wrote an abusive
answer to his own performance, in order to inflame the
curiosity of the town, by which it had been overlooked.
Notwithstanding this general unanimity in the college, a
private animosity had long subsisted between the two rivals
I have mentioned, on account of precedence, to which both
laid claim, though, by a majority of votes, it had been
decided in favour of the present chairman. The grudge indeed
never proceeded to any degree of outrage or defiance, but
manifested itself at every meeting, in attempts to eclipse
each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so that
there was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served
up in the front of the evening, for the entertainment and
example of the junior members, who never failed to divide
upon this occasion, declaring themselves for one or other of
the combatants, whom they encouraged by their looks,
gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances of
the dispute.
This honourable consistory was held in the best room of
an ale-house, which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable
to the purse or inclination of every individual, who
separately paid for his own choice; and here was our hero
introduced in the midst of twenty strangers, who, by their
looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque variety. He
was received with a most gracious solemnity, and placed upon
the right hand of the president, who, having commanded
silence, recited aloud his introductory ode, which met with
universal approbation. Then was tendered to him the
customary oath, obliging him to consult the honour and
advantage of the society as far as it should he in his
power, in every station of life; and this being taken, his
temples were bound with a wreath of laurel, which was kept
sacred for such inauguration.
When these rites were performed with all due ceremony,
the new member cast his eyes around the place, and took a
more accurate survey of his brethren; among whom he observed
a strange collection of periwigs, with regard to the colour,
fashions, and dimensions, which were such as he had never
seen before. Those who sat on each side, nearest the
president, were generally distinguished by venerable ties,
the foretops of which exhibited a surprising diversity; some
of them rose slanting backwards, like the glacis of a
fortification; some were elevated in two distinct eminences,
like the hills Helicon and Parnassus; and others were curled
and reflected, as the horns of Jupiter Ammon. Next to these,
the majors took place, many of which were mere succedanea,
made by the application of an occasional rose to the tail of
a lank bob; and in the lower form appeared masses of hair,
which would admit of no description.
Their clothes were tolerably well suited to the furniture
of their heads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent
and clean, while that of the second class was threadbare and
soiled; and at the lower end of the room, he perceived
divers efforts made to conceal their rent breeches and dirty
linen; nay, he could distinguish by their countenances the
different kinds of poetry in which they exercised the muse.
He saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity of regard;
Satire louring in a frown of envy and discontent; Elegy
whining in a funeral aspect; Pastoral dozing in a most
insipid languor of face; Ode-writing delineated in a
distracted stare; and Epigram squinting with a pert sneer.
Perhaps our hero refined too much in his penetration, when
he affirmed, that, over and above these discoveries, he
could plainly perceive the state of every one's finances,
and would have undertaken to have guessed each particular
sum without varying three farthings from the truth. The
conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fall
into parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the
attention of a private committee, when the chairman
interposed, calling aloud, "No cabals, no conspiracies,
gentlemen." His rival, thinking it incumbent upon him to
make some reply to this rebuke, answered, "We have no
secrets; he that hath ears, let him hear." This was spoke as
an intimation to the company, whose looks were instantly
whetted with the expectation of their ordinary meal; but the
president seemed to decline the contest; for, without
putting on his fighting face, he calmly replied, that he had
seen Mr. Metaphor tip the wink, and whisper to one of his
confederates, and thence judged, that there was something
mysterious on the carpet.
The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen,
resolved to take the advantage of his dejection, that he
might enhance his own character in the opinion of the
stranger; and, with that view, asked, with an air of
exultation, if a man might not be allowed to have a
convulsion in his eye, without being suspected of a
conspiracy? The president, perceiving his drift, and piqued
at his presumption, "To be sure," said he, "a man of a weak
head may be very well supposed to have convulsions in his
eyes." This repartee produced a laugh of triumph among the
chairman's adherents; one of whom observed, that his rival
had got a smart rap on the pate. "Yes," replied the bard,
"in that respect Mr. Chairman has the advantage of me. Had
my head been fortified with a horn-work, I should not have
been so sensible of the stroke." This retort, which carried
a severe allusion to the president's wife, lighted up the
countenances of the aggressor's friends, which had begun to
be a little obumbrated; and had a contrary effect upon the
other faction, till their chief, collecting all his
capacity, returned the salute, by observing, that there was
no occasion for a horn-work, when the covered way was not
worth defending.
Such a reprisal upon Mr. Metaphor's yoke-fellow, who was
by no means remarkable for her beauty, could not fail to
operate upon the hearers; and as for the bard himself, he
was evidently ruffled by the reflection; to which, however,
he, without hesitation, replied, "Egad! 'tis my opinion,
that, if your covered way was laid open, few people would
venture to give the assault."—"Not unless their batteries
were more effectual than the fire of your wit," said the
president. "As for that matter," cried the other with
precipitation, "they would have no occasion to batter in
breach; they would find the angle of the la pucelle bastion
demolished to their hands—he, he!"—"But I believe it would
surpass your understanding," resumed the chairman, "to fill
up the fosse."—"That, I own, is impracticable," replied the
bard, "there I should meet with a hiatus maxime deflendus!"
The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in
presence of the new member, exclaimed, with indignation in
his looks, "And yet, if a body of pioneers were set at work
upon your skull, they would find rubbish enough to choke up
all the common sewers in town." Here a groan was uttered by
the admirers of the epic poet, who, taking a pinch of snuff
with great composure, "When a man grows scurrilous," said
he, "I take it for an undoubted proof of his overthrow."—"If
that be the case," cried the other, "you yourself must be
the vanquished party, for you were the first that was driven
to personal abuse."—"I appeal," answered the bard, "to those
who can distinguish. Gentlemen, your judgment."
This reference produced a universal clamour, and the
whole college was involved in confusion. Every man entered
into dispute with his neighbour on the merits of this cause.
The chairman interposed his authority in vain; the noise
grew louder and louder; the disputants waxed warm; the
epithets of blockhead, fool, and scoundrel, were bandied
about. Peregrine enjoyed the uproar, and, leaping upon the
table, sounded the charge to battle, which was immediately
commenced in ten different duels. The lights were
extinguished; the combatants thrashed one another without
distinction; the mischievous Pickle distributed sundry
random blows in the dark, and the people below, being
alarmed with the sound of application, the overturning of
chairs, and the outcries of those who were engaged, came
up-stairs in a body with lights to reconnoitre, and, if
possible, quell this hideous tumult.
Objects were no sooner rendered visible, than the field
of battle exhibited strange groups of the standing and the
fallen. Each of Mr. Metaphor's eyes was surrounded with a
circle of a livid hue; and the president's nose distilled a
quantity of clotted blood. One of the tragic authors,
finding himself assaulted in the dark, had, by way of a
poniard, employed upon his adversary's throat a knife which
lay upon the table, for the convenience of cutting cheese;
but, by the blessing of God, the edge of it was not keen
enough to enter the skin, which it had only scratched in
divers places. A satirist had almost bit off the ear of a
lyric bard. Shirts and neckcloths were torn to rags; and
there was such a woeful wreck of periwigs on the floor, that
no examination could adjust the property of the owners, the
greatest part of whom were obliged to use handkerchiefs by
way of nightcap.
The fray, however, ceased at the approach of those who
interposed; part of the combatants being tired of an
exercise in which they had received nothing but hard blows;
part of them being intimidated by the remonstrances of the
landlord and his company, who threatened to call the watch;
and a very few being ashamed of the scandalous dispute in
which they were detected. But though the battle was ended,
it was impossible, for that evening, to restore harmony and
good order to the society, which broke up, after the
president had pronounced a short and confused apology to our
adventurer, for the indecent uproar which had unfortunately
happened on the first night of his admission. Indeed,
Peregrine deliberated with himself, whether or not his
reputation would allow him to appear again among this
venerable fraternity; but, as he knew some of them to be men
of real genius, how ridiculous soever their carriage might
be modified, and was of that laughing disposition, which is
always seeking food for mirth, as Horace observes of
Philippus:
Risus undique quaerit;—
he resolved to frequent the college, notwithstanding this
accident, which happened at his inauguration; being thereto,
moreover, induced by his desire of knowing the private
history of the stage, with which he supposed some of the
members perfectly well acquainted. He was also visited,
before the next meeting, by his introductor, who assured
him, that such a tumult had never happened since the first
institution of the assembly, till that very night; and
promised that, for the future, he should have no cause to be
scandalized at their behaviour.
Persuaded by these motives and assurances, he trusted
himself once more in the midst of their community, and
everything proceeded with great decorum; all dispute and
altercation was avoided, and the college applied itself
seriously to the purposes of its meeting, namely, to hear
the grievances of individuals, and assist them with salutary
advice. The first person that craved redress was a noisy
North Briton, who complained, in a strange dialect, that he
had, in the beginning of the season, presented a comedy to
the manager of a certain theatre, who, after it had lain six
weeks in his hands, returned it to the author, affirming
there was neither sense nor English in the performance.
The president, who, by the bye, had revised the piece,
thinking his own reputation concerned, declared, in presence
of the whole society, that, with regard to sense, he would
not undertake to vindicate the production; but, in point of
language, no fault could be justly laid to its charge. "The
case, however, is very plain," said he; "the manager never
gave himself the trouble to peruse the play, but formed a
judgment of it from the conversation of the author, never
dreaming that it had undergone the revisal of an English
writer; be that as it will, you are infinitely obliged to
him for having despatched you so soon, and I shall have the
better opinion of him for it so long as I live; for I have
known other guise authors than you, that is, in point of
interest and fame, kept in continual attendance and
dependence during the best part of their lives, and, after
all, disappointed in the expectation of seeing their
performances exhibited on the stage."
CHAPTER XCIV.
Further proceedings of the College.
This affair was no sooner discussed, than another
gentleman exhibited a complaint, signifying, that he had
undertaken to translate into English a certain celebrated
author, who had been cruelly mangled by former attempts; and
that, soon as his design took air, the proprietors of those
miserable translations had endeavoured to prejudice his
work, by industrious insinuations, contrary to truth and
fair dealing, importing, that he did not understand one word
of the language which he pretended to translate. This being
a case that nearly concerned the greatest part of the
audience, it was taken into serious deliberation. Some
observed, that it was not only a malicious effort against
the plaintiff, but also a spiteful advertisement to the
public, tending to promote an inquiry into the abilities of
all other translators, few of whom, it was well known, were
so qualified as to stand the test of such examination.
Others said, that over and above this consideration, which
ought to have its due weight with the college, there was a
necessity for concerting measures to humble the presumption
of booksellers, who had, from time immemorial, taken all
opportunities to oppress and enslave their authors; not only
by limiting men of genius to the wages of journeymen
tailors, without even allowing them one Sabbath in the week,
but also in taking such advantages of their necessities as
were inconsistent with justice and humanity.
"For example," said one of the members, "after I myself
had acquired a little reputation with the town, I was
caressed by one of those tyrants, who professed a friendship
for me, and even supplied me with money, according to the
exigencies of my situation; so that I looked upon him as the
mirror of disinterested benevolence; and had he known my
disposition, and treated me accordingly, I should have writ
for him upon his own terms. After I had used his friendship
in this manner for some time, I happened to have occasion
for a small sum of money, and with great confidence made
another application to my good friend; when all of a sudden
he put a stop to his generosity, refused to accommodate me
in the most abrupt and mortifying style; and though I was at
that time pretty far advanced in a work for his benefit,
which was a sufficient security for what I owed him, he
roundly asked, how I proposed to pay the money which I had
already borrowed? Thus was I used like a young w— just come
upon the town, whom the b—d allows to run into her debt,
that she may have it in her power to oppress her at
pleasure; and if the sufferer complains, she is treated like
the most ungrateful wretch upon earth; and that too with
such appearance of reason, as may easily mislead an
unconcerned spectator. 'You unthankful drab!' she will say,
'didn't I take you into my house when you hadn't a shift to
your back, a petticoat to your tail, nor a morsel of bread
to put into your belly? Han't I clothed you from head to
foot like a gentlewoman, supported you with board, lodging,
and all necessaries, till your own extravagance hath brought
you into distress; and now you have the impudence, you
nasty, stinking, brimstone bungaway! to say you are hardly
dealt with, when I demand no more than my own?' Thus the w—
and the author are equally oppressed, and even left without
the melancholy privilege of complaining; so that they are
fain to subscribe to such terms as their creditors shall
please to impose."
This illustration operated so powerfully upon the
conviction and resentment of the whole college, that revenge
was universally denounced against those who had aggrieved
the plaintiff; and, after some debate, it was agreed, that
he should make a new translation of some other saleable
book, in opposition to a former version belonging to the
delinquents, and print it in such a small size as would
enable him to undersell their property; and that this new
translation should be recommended and introduced into the
world with the whole art and influence of the society.
This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all
present, an author of some character stood up, and craved
the advice and assistance of his fellows, in punishing a
certain nobleman of great pretensions to taste, who, in
consequence of a production which this gentleman had ushered
into the world with universal applause, not only desired,
but even eagerly courted his acquaintance. "He invited me to
his house," said he, "where I was overwhelmed with civility
and professions of friendship. He insisted upon my treating
him as an intimate, and calling upon him at all hours,
without ceremony; he made me promise to breakfast with him
at least three times a week. In short, I looked upon myself
as very fortunate, in meeting with such advances from a man
of his interest and reputation, who had it in his power to
befriend me effectually in my passage through life; and,
that I might not give him any cause to think I neglected his
friendship, I went to his house in two days, with a view of
drinking chocolate, according to appointment; but he had
been so much fatigued with dancing at an assembly overnight,
that his valet-de-chambre would not venture to wake him so
early; and I left my compliments to his lordship, with a
performance in manuscript, which he had expressed a most
eager desire to peruse. I repeated my visit next morning,
that his impatience to see me might not have some violent
effect upon his constitution; and received a message from
his minister, signifying, that he had been highly
entertained with the manuscript I had left, a great part of
which he had read, but was at present so busy in contriving
a proper dress for a private masquerade, which would be
given that same evening, that he could not have the pleasure
of my company at breakfast. This was a feasible excuse,
which I admitted accordingly, and in a day or two appeared
again, when his lordship was particularly engaged. This
might possibly be the case; and therefore I returned the
fourth time, in hopes of finding him more at leisure; but he
had gone out about half an hour before my arrival, and left
my performance with his valet-de-chambre, who assured me,
that his lord had perused it with infinite pleasure. Perhaps
I might have retired very well satisfied with this
declaration, had not I, in my passage through the hall,
heard one of the footmen upon the top of the staircase,
pronounce with an audible voice, 'Will your lordship please
to be at home when he calls?' It is not to be supposed that
I was pleased at this discovery, which I no sooner made,
than, turning to my conductor, 'I find,' said I, 'his
lordship is disposed to be abroad to more people than me
this morning.' The fellow, though a valet-de-chambre,
blushed at this observation; and I withdrew, not a little
irritated at the peer's disingenuity, and fully resolved to
spare him my visits for the future. It was not long after
this occasion, that I happened to meet him in the park, and
being naturally civil, I could not pass him without a
salutation of the hat, which he returned in the most distant
manner, though we were both solitary, and not a soul within
view, and when that very performance, which he had applauded
so warmly, was lately published by subscription, he did not
bespeak so much as one copy. I have often reflected with
wonder upon this inconsistency of his conduct. I never
courted his patronage, nor indeed thought of his name, until
he made interest for my acquaintance; and if he was
disappointed in my conversation, why did he press me so much
to further connection?"
"The case is very clear," cried the chairman,
interrupting him; "he is one of those connoisseurs who set
up for taste, and value themselves upon knowing all men of
genius, whom they would be thought to assist in their
productions. I will lay an even bet with any man, that his
lordship on the strength of that slender interview, together
with the opportunity of having seen your performance in
manuscript, has already hinted to every company in which he
is conversant, that you solicited his assistance in
retouching the piece, which you have now offered to the
public, and that he was pleased to favour you with his
advice, but found you obstinately bigoted to your own
opinion, in some points relating to those very passages
which have not met with the approbation of the town. As for
his caresses, there was nothing at all extraordinary in his
behaviour. By that time you have lived to my age, you will
not be surprised to see a courtier's promise and performance
of a different complexion; not but that I would willingly
act as an auxiliary in your resentment."
The opinion of the president was strengthened by the
concurrence of all the members; and all other complaints and
memorials being deferred till another sitting, the college
proceeded to an exercise of wit, which was generally
performed once every fortnight, with a view to promote the
expectoration of genius. The subject was occasionally chosen
by the chairman, who opened the game with some shrewd remark
naturally arising from the conversation; and then the ball
was tossed about, from one corner of the room to the other,
according to the motions of the spirit.
That the reader may have a just idea of this sport, and
of the abilities of those who carried it on, I shall repeat
the sallies of this evening, according to the order and
succession in which they escaped. One of the members
observing that Mr. Metaphor was absent, was told by the
person who sat next to him, that the poet had foul weather
at home, and could not stir abroad. "What!" said the
president, interposing, with the signal upon his
countenance, "is he wind-bound, in port?"—"Wine-bound, I
suppose," cried another. "Hooped with wine! a strange
metaphor!" said the third. "Not if he has got into a
hogshead," answered the fourth. "The hogshead will sooner
get into him," replied a fifth; "it must be a tun or an
ocean."—"No wonder then, if he should be overwhelmed," said
a sixth. "If he should," cried a seventh, "he will cast up
when his gall breaks."—"That must be very soon," roared an
eighth, "for it has been long ready to burst." "No, no,"
observed a ninth, "he'll stick fast at the bottom, take my
word for it; he has a natural alacrity in sinking."—"And
yet," remarked a tenth, "I have seen him in the
clouds."—"Then was he cloudy, I suppose," cried the
eleventh. "So dark," replied the other, "that his meaning
could not be perceived."—"For all that," said the twelfth,
"he is easily seen through."—"You talk," answered the
thirteenth, "as if his head was made of glass."—"No, no,"
cried the fourteenth, "his head is made of more durable
stuff; it will bend before it breaks."—"Yet I have seen it
broken," resumed the president. "Did you perceive any wit
come out at the whole?" said another. "His wit," replied the
chairman, "is too subtle to be perceived."
A third mouth was just open, when the exercise was
suddenly interrupted by the dreadful cry of "Fire!" which
issued from the kitchen, and involved the whole college in
confusion. Every man endeavoured to be the first in making
his exit, the door and passage were blocked up; each
individual was pommelled by the person that happened to be
behind him. This communication produced noise and
exclamation; clouds of smoke rolled upwards into the
apartment, and terror sat on every brow; when Peregrine,
seeing no prospect of retreating by the door, opened one of
the windows, and fairly leaped into the street, where he
found a crowd of people assembled to contribute their
assistance in extinguishing the flames. Several members of
the college followed his example, and happily accomplished
their escape. The chairman himself, being unwilling to use
the same expedient, stood trembling on the brink of descent,
dubious of his own agility, and dreading the consequence of
such a leap, when a chair happening to pass, he laid hold on
the opportunity, and by an exertion of his muscles, pitched
upon the top of the carriage, which was immediately
overturned in the kennel, to the grievous annoyance of the
fare, which happened to be a certain effeminate beau, in
full dress, on his way to a private assembly.
This phantom hearing the noise overhead, and feeling the
shock of being overthrown at the same time, thought that
some whole tenement had fallen upon the chair, and, in the
terror of being crushed to pieces, uttered a scream, which
the populace supposed to proceed from the mouth of a woman;
and therefore went to his assistance, while the chairmen,
instead of ministering to his occasions, no sooner
recollected themselves, than they ran in pursuit of their
overthrower, who, being accustomed to escape from bailiffs,
dived into a dark alley, and, vanishing in a trice, was not
visible to any living soul, until he appeared next day on
Tower-hill.
The humane part of the mob, who bestirred themselves for
the relief of the supposed lady, no sooner perceived their
mistake in the appearance of the beau, who stared around him
with horror and affright, than their compassion was changed
into mirth, and they began to pass a great many unsavoury
jokes upon his misfortune, which they now discovered no
inclination to alleviate; and he found himself very
uncomfortably beset, when Pickle, pitying his situation,
interposed in his behalf, and prevailed upon the chairmen to
carry him into the house of an apothecary in the
neighbourhood, to whom his mischance proved a very
advantageous accident; for the fright operated so violently
upon his nerves, that he was seized with a delirium, and lay
a whole fortnight deprived of his senses; during which
period he was not neglected in point of medicines, food, and
attendance, but royally regaled, as appeared by the contents
of his landlord's bill.
Our adventurer having seen this unfortunate beau safely
housed, returned to the scene of the other calamity, which,
as it was no other than a foul chimney, soon yielded to the
endeavours of the family, and was happily overcome, without
any other bad consequence than that of alarming the
neighbours, disturbing the college, and disordering the
brain of a beau. Eager to be acquainted with the particular
constitutions of a society which seemed to open upon him by
degrees, Mr. Pickle did not fail to appear at the next
meeting, when several petitions were laid before the board,
in behalf of those members who were confined in the prisons
of the Fleet, Marshalsea, and King's Bench. As those unhappy
authors expected nothing from their brethren but advice and
good offices, which did not concern the purse, the memorials
were considered with great care and humanity; and, upon this
occasion, Peregrine had it in his power to manifest his
importance to the community; for he happened to be
acquainted with the creditor of one of the prisoners, and
knew that gentleman's severity was owing to his resentment
at the behaviour of the debtor, who had lampooned him in
print, because he refused to comply with a fresh demand,
after he had lent him money to the amount of a considerable
sum. Our young gentleman, therefore, understanding that the
author was penitent, and disposed to make a reasonable
submission, promised to employ his influence with the
creditor towards an accommodation; and in a few days
actually obtained his release.
The social duties being discharged, the conversation took
a general turn, and several new productions were freely
criticised; those especially which belonged to authors who
were either unconnected with, or unknown to the college. Nor
did the profession of stage-playing escape the cognizance of
the assembly; a deputation of the most judicious members
being sent weekly to each theatre, with a view of making
remarks upon the performance of the actors. The censors for
the preceding week were accordingly called upon to give in
their report; and the play which they had reviewed was "the
Revenge."
"Mr. Q—," said the second censor, "take him all in all,
is certainly the most complete and unblemished performer
that ever appeared on our stage, notwithstanding the blind
adoration which is paid to his rival. I went two nights ago,
with an express design to criticise his action. I could find
no room for censure, but infinite subject for admiration and
applause. In Pierre he is great, in Othello excellent, but
in Zanga beyond all imitation. Over and above the
distinctness of pronunciation, the dignity of attitude, and
expression of face, his gestures are so just and
significant, that a man, though utterly bereft of the sense
of hearing, might, by seeing him only, understand the
meaning of every word he speaks! Sure nothing can be more
exquisite than his manner of telling Isabella how Alonzo
behaved, when he found the incendiary letter which he had
dropped by the Moor's direction; and when, to crown his
vengeance, he discovers himself to be the contriver of all
the mischief that had happened, he manifests a perfect
masterpiece of action, in pronouncing these four little
monosyllables, 'Know, then, 'twas—I.'"
Peregrine having eyed the critic some minutes, "I fancy,"
said he, "your praise must be ironical, because, in the very
two situations you mention, I think I have seen that player
outherod Herod, or, in other words, exceed all his other
extravagances. The intention of the author is, that the Moor
should communicate to his confidant a piece of information
contained in a few lines, which, doubtless, ought to be
repeated with an air of eagerness and satisfaction, not with
the ridiculous grimace of a monkey, to which, methought, his
action bore an intimate resemblance, in uttering this plain
sentence:—
——He took it up:
But scarce was it unfolded to his sight,
When he, as if an arrow pierc'd his eye,
Started, and trembling dropp'd it on the ground.
"In pronouncing the first two words, this egregious actor
stoops down, and seems to take up something from the stage,
then proceeding to repeat what follows, mimics the manner of
unfolding a letter; when he mentions the simile of an arrow
piercing the eye, he darts his forefinger towards that
organ, then recoils with great violence when the word
'started' is expressed; and when he comes to 'trembling
dropp'd it on the ground,' he throws all his limbs into a
tremulous motion, and shakes the imaginary paper from his
hand. The latter part of the description is carried on with
the same minute gesticulation, while he says:—
Pale and aghast awhile my victim stood,
Disguis'd a sigh or two, and puff'd them from him;
Then rubb'd his brow, and took it up again.
The player's countenance assumes a wild stare, he sighs
twice most piteously, as if he were on the point of
suffocation, scrubs his forehead, and, bending his body,
apes the action of snatching an object from the floor. Nor
is this dexterity of dumb-show omitted, when he concludes
his imitation in these three lines:—
At first he look'd as if he meant to read it;
But check'd by rising fears, he crushed it thus,
And thrust it, like an adder, in his bosom.
"Here the judicious performer imitates the confusion and
concern of Alonzo, seems to cast his eyes upon something,
from which they are immediately withdrawn with horror and
precipitation then shutting his fist with a violent squeeze,
as if he intended to make immediate application to
Isabella's nose, he rams it in his own bosom, with all the
horror and agitation of a thief taken in the manner. Were
the player debarred the use of speech, and obliged to act to
the eyes only of the audience, this mimicry might be a
necessary conveyance of his meaning; but when he is at
liberty to signify his ideas by language, nothing can be
more trivial, forced, unnatural, and antic, than this
mummery. Not that I would exclude from the representation
the graces of action, without which the choicest sentiments,
clothed in the most exquisite expression, would appear
unanimated and insipid; but these are as different from this
ridiculous burlesque, as is the demeanour of a Tully in the
rostrum, from the tricks of a Jack-pudding on a mountebank's
stage. And, for the truth of what I allege, I appeal to the
observation of any person who has considered the elegance of
attitude and propriety of gesture, as they are universally
acknowledged in the real characters of life. Indeed, I have
known a Gascon, whose limbs were eloquent as his tongue: he
never mentioned the word sleep without reclining his head
upon his hand; when he had occasion to talk of a horse, he
always started up and trotted across the room, except when
he was so situated that he could not stir without
incommoding the company, and in that case he contented
himself with neighing aloud. If a dog happened to be the
subject of his conversation, he wagged his tail, and grinned
in a most significant manner; and one day he expressed his
desire of going backwards with such natural imitation of his
purpose, that everybody in the room firmly believed he had
actually overshot himself, and fortified their nostrils
accordingly. Yet no man ever looked upon this virtuoso to be
the standard of propriety in point of speaking and
deportment. For my own part, I confess the player in
question would, by dint of these qualifications, make a very
good figure in the character of Pantaloon's lacquey, in the
entertainment of 'Perseus and Andromeda,' and perhaps might
acquire some reputation, by turning 'the Revenge' into a
pantomime; in which case, I would advise him to come upon
the stage, provided with a handful of flour, in order to
besmear his face when he pronounces 'pale and aghast,' etc.;
and methinks he ought to illustrate the adder with a hideous
hiss. But let us now come to the other situation, in which
this modern Aesopus is supposed to distinguish himself so
much—I mean that same eclaircissement comprehended in 'Know
then, 'twas—I.' His manner, I own, may be altered since I
was present at the representation of that performance; but
certain I am, when I beheld him in that critical
conjuncture, his behaviour appeared to me so uncouth, that I
really imagined he was visited by some epileptic distemper;
for he stood tottering and gasping for the space of two
minutes, like a man suddenly struck with the palsy; and,
after various distortions and side-shakings, as if he had
got fleas in his doublet, heaved up from his lungs the
letter I, like a huge anchor from foul ground."
This criticism was acceptable to the majority of the
college, who had no great veneration for the player in
question; and his admirer, without making any reply, asked
in a whisper, of the gentleman who sat next to him, if
Pickle had not offered some production to the stage, and met
with a repulse.
CHAPTER XCV.
The young Gentleman is introduced to a Virtuoso of the first
Order, and commences Yelper.
Hitherto Peregrine had professed himself an author,
without reaping the fruits of that occupation, except the
little fame he had acquired by his late satire; but now he
thought it high time to weigh solid pudding against empty
praise; and therefore engaged with some booksellers in a
certain translation, which he obliged himself to perform for
the consideration of two hundred pounds. The articles of
agreement being drawn, he began his task with great
eagerness, rose early in the morning to his work, at which
he laboured all day long, went abroad with the bats in the
evening, and appeared in the coffee-house, where he amused
himself with the newspapers and conversation till nine
o'clock; then he retired to his own apartment, and, after a
slight repast, betook himself to rest, that he might be able
to unroost with the cock. This sudden change from his former
way of life agreed so ill with his disposition, that, for
the first time, he was troubled with flatulencies and
indigestion, which produced anxiety and dejection of
spirits, and the nature of his situation began in some
measure to discompose his brain; a discovery which he no
sooner made, than he had recourse to the advice of a young
physician, who was a member of the college of authors, at
this time one of our hero's most intimate acquaintance.
The son of Esculapius, having considered his case,
imputed his disorder to the right cause, namely, want of
exercise; dissuaded him from such close application to
study, until he should be gradually familiarized to a
sedentary life; advised him to enjoy his friend and his
bottle in moderation, and wean himself from his former
customs by degrees; and, above all things, to rise
immediately after his first sleep, and exercise himself in a
morning's walk. In order to render this last part of the
prescription the more palatable, the doctor promised to
attend him in these early excursions, and even to introduce
him to a certain personage of note, who gave a sort of
public breakfasting to the minor virtuosi of the age, and
often employed his interest in behalf of those who properly
cultivated his countenance and approbation.
This proposal was extremely acceptable to our young
gentleman, who, besides the advantage which might accrue to
him from such a valuable connection, foresaw much
entertainment and satisfaction in the discourse of so many
learned guests. The occasions of his health and interest,
moreover, coincided in another circumstance; the minister's
levee being kept betimes in the morning, so that he could
perform his walk, yield his attendance, and breakfast at
this philosophical board, without encroaching a great deal
upon his other avocations. Measures being thus preconcerted,
the physician conducted our adventurer to the house of this
celebrated sage, to whom he recommended him as a gentleman
of genius and taste, who craved the honour of his
acquaintance; but he had previously smoothed the way to his
introduction, by representing Peregrine as a young fellow of
great ambition, spirit, and address, who could not fail to
make a figure in the world; that therefore he would be a
creditable addition to the subordinates of such a patron,
and by his qualifications, intrepidity, and warmth of
temper, turn out a consummate herald of his fame. Upon these
considerations, he met with a most engaging reception from
the entertainer, who was a well-bred man, of some learning,
generosity, and taste; but his foible was the desire of
being thought the inimitable pattern of all three.
It was with a view to acquire and support this character,
that his house was open to all those who had any pretensions
to literature; consequently he was surrounded by a strange
variety of pretenders; but none were discouraged, because he
knew that even the most insignificant might, in some shape,
conduce to the propagation of his praise. A babbler, though
he cannot run upon the scent, may spring the game, and, by
his yelping, help to fill up the cry. No wonder, then, that
a youth of Pickle's accomplishments was admitted and even
invited into the pack. After having enjoyed a very short
private audience in the closet, our young gentleman was
shown into another room, where half a dozen of his
fellow-adherents waited for the Maecenas, who in a few
minutes appeared, with a most gracious aspect, received the
compliments of the morning, and sat down to breakfast, in
the midst of them, without any further ceremony.
The conversation at first turned upon the weather, which
was investigated in a very philosophical manner by one of
the company, who seemed to have consulted all the barometers
and thermometers that ever were invented, before he would
venture to affirm that it was a chill morning. This subject
being accurately discussed, the chief inquired about the
news of the learned world; and his inclination was no sooner
expressed than every guest opened his mouth, in order to
ratify his curiosity. But he that first captivated his
attention was a meagre, shrivelled antiquary, who looked
like an animated mummy, which had been scorched among the
sands of the desert. He told the patron, that he had, by
accident, met with a medal, which, though it was defaced by
time, he would venture to pronounce a genuine antique, from
the ringing and taste of the metal, as well as from the
colour and composition of the rust. So saying, he produced a
piece of copper coin, so consumed and disguised by age, that
scarce a vestige of the impression was to be perceived.
Nevertheless, this connoisseur pretended to distinguish a
face in profile, from which he concluded that the piece was
of the Upper Empire, and on the reverse he endeavoured to
point out the bulb of the spear, and part of the parazonium,
which were the insignia of the Roman Virtus, together with
the fragment of one fold of the multicium in which she was
clothed. He likewise had discovered an angle of the letter
N, and, at some distance, an entire I; from these
circumstances conjecturing, and indeed concluding, that the
medal was struck by Severus, in honour of the victory he
obtained over his rival Niger, after he had forced the
passes of Mount Taurus. This criticism seemed very
satisfactory to the entertainer, who, having examined the
coin by the help of his spectacles, plainly discerned the
particulars which the owner had mentioned, and was pleased
to term his account of the matter a very ingenious
explanation.
The curiosity was circulated through the hands of all
present, and every virtuoso, in his turn, licked the copper,
and rung it upon the hearth, declaring his assent to the
judgment which had been pronounced. At length it fell under
the inspection of our young gentleman, who, though no
antiquarian, was very well acquainted with the current coin
of his own country, and no sooner cast his eyes upon the
valuable antique, than he affirmed, without hesitation, that
it was no other than the ruins of an English farthing, and
that same spear, parazonium, and multicium, the remains of
the emblems and drapery with which the figure of Britannia
is delineated on our copper money. This hardy asseveration
seemed to disconcert the patron while it incensed the
medallist, who, grinning like an enraged baboon, "What d'ye
tell me of a brass farthing?" said he. "Did you ever know
modern brass of such a relish? Do but taste it, young
gentleman; and sure I am, if you have ever been conversant
with subjects of this kind, you will find as wide a
difference in the savour between this and an English
farthing as can possibly be perceived betwixt an onion and a
turnip. Besides, this medal has the true Corinthian ring;
then the attitude is upright, whereas that of Britannia is
reclining; and how is it possible to mistake a branch of
palm for a parazonium?"
All the rest of the company espoused the virtuoso's side
of the question, because the reputation of each was
concerned. The patron, finding himself in the same
circumstance, assumed a solemnity of feature, dashed with a
small mixture of displeasure, and told Peregrine, that as he
had not made that branch of literature his particular study,
he was not surprised to see him mistaken in his opinion.
Pickle immediately understood the reproof, though he was
shocked at the vanity or infatuation of his entertainer and
fellow-guests; asked pardon for his presumption, which was
accordingly excused, in consideration of his inexperience;
and the English farthing was dignified with the title of a
true antique.
The next person that addressed himself to the chief was a
gentleman of a very mathematical turn, who valued himself
upon the improvements he had made in several domestic
machines, and now presented the plan of a new contrivance
for cutting cabbages, in such a manner as would secure the
stock against the rotting rain, and enable it to produce a
plenteous aftercrop of delicious sprouts. In this important
machine he had united the whole mechanic powers, with such
massy complication of iron and wood, that it could not have
been moved without the assistance of a horse, and a road
made for the convenience of the draught. These objections
were so obvious, that they occurred at first sight to the
inspector-general, who greatly commended the invention,
which, he observed, might be applied to several other useful
purposes, could it once be rendered a little more portable
and commodious.
The inventor, who had not foreseen these difficulties,
was not prepared to surmount them; but he took the hint in
good part, and promised to task his abilities anew, in
altering the construction of his design. Not but that he
underwent some severe irony from the rest of the virtuosi,
who complimented him upon the momentous improvement he had
made, by which a family might save a dish of greens in a
quarter, for so trifling an expense as that of purchasing,
working, and maintaining such a stupendous machine; but no
man was ever more sarcastic in his remarks upon this piece
of mechanism than the naturalist, who next appealed to the
patron's approbation for a curious disposition he had made
touching the procreation of muck-flies, in which he had laid
down a curious method of collecting, preserving, and
hatching the eggs of these insects, even in the winter, by
certain modifications of artificial heat. The nature of this
discovery was no sooner communicated, than Peregrine, unable
to contain himself, was seized with a fit of laughter, which
infected every person at the table, the landlord himself not
excepted, who found it impossible to preserve his wonted
gravity of face.
Such unmannerly mirth did not fail to mortify the
philosopher, who, after some pause, during which indignation
and disdain were painted in his countenance, reprehended our
young gentleman for his unphilosophical behaviour, and
undertook to prove, that the subject of his inquiry was of
infinite consequence to the progress and increase of natural
knowledge. But he found no quarter from the vengeful
engineer, who now retorted his ironical compliments, with
great emphasis, upon this hotbed for the generation of
vermin, and advised him to lay the whole process before the
Royal Society, which would, doubtless, present him with a
medal, and give him a place among their memoirs, as a
distinguished promoter of the useful arts. "If," said he,
"you had employed your studies in finding out some effectual
method to destroy those insects which prejudice and annoy
mankind, in all probability you must have been contented
with the contemplation of the good you had done; but this
curious expedient for multiplying maggots will surely
entitle you to an honourable rank in the list of learned
philosophers."—"I don't wonder," replied the naturalist,
"that you should be so much averse to the propagation of
insects, because, in all likelihood, you are afraid that
they will not leave you a cabbage to cut down with the same
miraculous machine."—"Sir," answered the mechanic, with
great bitterness of voice and aspect, "if the cabbage be as
light-headed as some muck-worm philosophers, it will not be
worth cutting down."—"I never dispute upon cabbage with the
son of a cucumber," said the fly-breeder, alluding to the
pedigree of his antagonist; who, impatient of the affront,
started up with fury in his looks, exclaiming, "'Sdeath!
meaning me, sir?"
Here the patron, perceiving things drawing towards a
rupture, interposed his authority, rebuking them for their
intemperance and recommending to them amity and concord
against the Goths and Vandals of the age, who took all
opportunities of ridiculing and discouraging the adherents
of knowledge and philosophy. After this exhortation, they
had no pretence for carrying on the dispute, which was
dropped in all appearance, though the mechanic still
retained his resentment; and after breakfast, when the
company broke up, accosted his adversary in the street,
desiring to know how he durst be so insolent as to make that
scurrilous reflection upon his family. The fly-fancier, thus
questioned, accused the mathematician of having been the
aggressor, in likening his head to a light cabbage; and here
the altercation being renewed, the engineer proceeded to the
illustration of his mechanics, tilting up his hand like a
balance, thrusting it forward by way of lever, embracing the
naturalist's nose like a wedge betwixt two of his fingers,
and turning it round, with the momentum of a screw or
peritrochium. Had they been obliged to decide the dispute
with equal arms, the assailant would have had great
advantage over the other, who was very much his inferior in
muscular strength; but the philosopher being luckily
provided with a cane, no sooner disengaged himself from this
opprobrious application, than he handled his weapon with
great dexterity about the head and shoulders of his
antagonist, who, finding this shower of blows very
disagreeable, was fain to betake himself to his heels for
shelter, and was pursued by the angry victor, who chased him
from one end of the street to the other, affording
unspeakable satisfaction to the multitude, as well as to our
hero and to his introductor, who were spectators of the
whole scene.
Thus was our adventurer initiated into the society of
Yelpers, though he did not as yet fully understand the
nature of his office, which was explained by the young
physician, who chid him for his blunt behaviour in the case
of the medal; and gave him to understand, that their
patron's favour was neither to be gained nor preserved by
any man that would pretend to convict him of a mistake. He
therefore counselled him to respect this foible, and
cultivate the old gentleman with all the zeal and veneration
which a regard to his own character would permit him to say.
This task was the easier to one of our young gentleman's
pliant disposition, because the virtuoso's behaviour was
absolutely free from that insolent self-conceit, which he
could not bear without disgust. The senior was, on the
contrary, mild and beneficent; and Pickle was rather pleased
than shocked at his weakness; because it flattered his
vanity with the supposition of his own superior sense.
Cautioned in this manner, Peregrine profited so much by his
insinuating qualifications, that, in a very little time, he
was looked upon as one of the chief favourites of the
patron, to whom he dedicated a small occasional poem; and
everybody believed he would reap the fruits of his
attachment among the first of the old gentleman's
dependents.
CHAPTER XCVI.
Peregrine, finding himself neglected by Sir Steady
Steerwell, expostulates with him in a Letter; in consequence
of which he is forbid his House, loses his Pension, and
incurs the charge of Lunacy.
This prospect of success, together with his expectations
from the minister, whom he did not neglect, helped to
comfort him under the reverse of fortune which he had
undergone, and the uncertainty of the lawsuit, which he
still maintained for the recovery of his ten thousand
pounds. The lawyers, indeed, continued to drain his pocket
of money, while they filled his brain with unsubstantial
hope; and he was actually obliged to borrow money from his
bookseller, on the strength of the translation, in order to
satisfy the demands of those ravenous harpies, rather than
lay the misanthrope under any difficulties, or have recourse
to his friend Hatchway, who lived at the garrison, entirely
ignorant of his distress. This was not at all alleviated by
the arrival of the Indiaman, in which he had ventured seven
hundred pounds, as we have already observed; for he was
given to understand, that the borrower was left dangerously
ill at Bombay when the ship sailed, and that his chance for
retrieving his money was extremely slender.
So situated, it is not to be supposed that he led a life
of tranquility, though he made a shift to struggle with the
remonstrances of misfortune. Yet such a gush of affliction
would sometimes rush upon his thought, as overwhelmed all
the ideas of his hope, and sunk him to the very bottom of
despondence. Every equipage that passed him in the street,
every person of rank and fortune that occurred to his view,
recalled the gay images of his former life, with such
mortifying reflection as stabbed him to the very soul. He
lived, therefore, incessantly exposed to all the pangs of
envy and disquiet. When I say envy, I do not mean that
sordid passion, in consequence of which a man repines at his
neighbour's success, howsoever deserved: but that
self-tormenting indignation which is inspired by the
prosperity of folly, ignorance, and vice. Without the
intervening gleams of enjoyment, which he felt in the
conversation of a few friends, he could not have supported
his existence; or, at least, he must have suffered some
violent discomposure of the brain. But one is still finding
some circumstance of alleviation, even in the worst of
conjunctures, and Pickle was so ingenious in these
researches, that he maintained a good battle with
disappointment, till the revolution of the term at which he
had received his pension of three hundred pounds.
However, seeing the day elapse without touching his
allowance, notwithstanding his significant method of
presenting himself at the minister's levee, when the year
was expired, he wrote a letter to Sir Steady, reminding him
of his situation and promise, and giving him to understand,
that his occasions were such as compelled him to demand his
salary for the ensuing year. In the morning after this
letter was conveyed, the author went to his honour's house,
in expectation of being admitted by particular order; but
was mistaken in his hope, the minister not being visible. He
then made his appearance at the levee, in hopes of being
closeted; but, though he took all opportunities of watching
Sir Steady's eyes, he could not obtain one glance, and had
the pleasure of seeing him retire, without being favoured
with the least notice. These circumstances of wilful neglect
were not over and above agreeable to our young hero, who, in
the agonies of vexation and resentment, went home, and
composed a most acrimonious remonstrance to his honour; in
consequence of which he was not only deprived of all
pretensions to a private audience, but expressly denied
admittance on a public day, by Sir Steady's own order.
This prohibition, which announced his total ruin, filled
him with rage, horror, and despair. He insulted the porter
who signified the minister's command, threatening to
chastise him upon the spot for his presumption, and vented
the most virulent imprecations upon his master, to the
astonishment of those who chanced to enter during this
conference. Having exhausted himself in these vain
exclamations, he returned to his lodgings in a most frantic
condition, biting his lips so that the blood ran from his
mouth, dashing his head and fists against the sides of his
chimney, and weeping with the most bitter expressions of
woe. Pipes, whose perception had been just sufficient to let
him see that there was some difference between the present
and former situation of his master, overhearing his
transports, essayed to enter his apartment, with a view of
administering consolation; and, finding the door locked on
the inside, desired admittance, protesting, that otherwise
he would down with the bulkhead in the turning of a
handspike. Peregrine ordered him to retire, on pain of his
displeasure, and swore, that if he should offer to break
open the door, he would instantly shoot him through the
head. Tom, without paying the least regard to this
injunction, set himself at work immediately. His master,
exasperated at his want of reverence and respect, which in
his present paroxysm appeared with the most provoking
aggravation, flew into his closet, and snatching up one of
his pistols already loaded, no sooner saw his valet enter
the apartment, in consequence of having forced the lock,
than he presented it full at his face, and drew the trigger.
Happily the priming flashed in the pan, without
communicating with the charge; so that his furious purpose
did not take effect upon the countenance of honest Pipes,
who, disregardful of the attempt, though he knew the
contents of the piece, asked, without the least alteration
of feature, if it must be foul weather through the whole
voyage.
Peregrine, mad as he was, repented of his mischievous
intent against such a faithful adherent, in the very moment
of execution; and had it proved fatal, according to the
design, in all probability he would have applied another to
his own head. There are certain considerations that strike
upon the mind with irresistible force, even in the midst of
its distraction; the momentary recollection of some
particular scene, occasioned by the features of the devoted
victim, hath often struck the dagger from the assassin's
hand. By such an impulse was Pipes protected from any
repeated effort of his master's rage; the friendly cause of
his present disobedience flashed upon the conviction of
Peregrine, when he beheld the rugged front of his valet, in
which also stood disclosed his long and faithful service
together with the recommendation of the deceased commodore.
Though his wrath was immediately suppressed, and his heart
torn with remorse for what he had done, his brows remained
still contracted, and darting a most ferocious regard at the
intruder, "Villain!" said he, "how dare you treat me with
such disrespect?"
"Why shouldn't I lend a hand for the preservation of the
ship," answered the unruffled Pipes, "when there is more
sail than ballast aboard, and the pilot quits the helm in
despair? What signifies one or two broken voyages, so long
as our timbers are strong, and our vessel in good trim? If
she loses upon one tack, mayhap she may gain upon t'other;
and I'll be d—d, if one day or other we don't fetch up our
leeway. As for the matter of provision, you have started a
pretty good stock of money into my hold, and you are welcome
to hoist it up again when you wool."
Here Tom was interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Crabtree,
who seeing Peregrine with a pistol in his hand, and such
wild disorder in his looks, his head, hands, and mouth
besmeared with blood, and, moreover, smelling the gunpowder
which had been burnt, actually believed he had either
committed, or was bent upon murder, and accordingly
retreated down-stairs with infinite despatch. All his speed
could not convey him without the reach of Pipes, who,
overtaking him in his passage, carried him back into his
master's apartment, observing by the way, that this was no
time to sheer off, when his consort stood in need of his
assistance.
There was something so ruefully severe in the countenance
of Cadwallader, thus compelled, that, at any other time, our
hero would have laughed at his concern; but at the present
there was nothing risible in his disposition. He had,
however, laid aside his pistol, and endeavoured, though in
vain, to compose his internal disturbance; for he could not
utter one syllable to the misanthrope, but stood staring at
him in silence, with a most delirious aspect. This did not
tend to dispel the dismay of his friend, who, after some
recollection, "I wonder," said he, "that you have never
killed your man before. Pray how may you have disposed of
the body?" Pickle having recovered the faculty of speech,
ordered his lacquey out of the room, and, in a most
incoherent detail, made Crabtree acquainted with the
perfidious conduct of the minister.
The confidant was very glad to find his fears
disappointed; for he had really concluded that some life was
lost. Perceiving the youth too much agitated to be treated
by him in his usual style, he owned that Sir Steady was a
rascal, and encouraged Pickle with the hope of being one day
able to make reprisals upon him; in the mean time offered
him money for his immediate occasions, exhorted him to exert
his own qualifications in rendering himself independent of
such miscreants, and finally counselled him to represent his
wrongs to the nobleman whom he had formerly obliged, with a
view of interesting that peer in his behalf or at least of
obtaining a satisfactory explanation from the minister, that
he might take no premature measures of revenge.
These admonitions were so much milder and more agreeable
than our hero expected from the misanthrope, that they had a
very favourable effect upon his transports, which gradually
subsided, until he became so tractable as to promise that he
would conform to his advice; in consequence of which, he
next morning waited upon his lordship, who received him very
politely, as usual, and with great patience heard his
complaint, which, by the bye, he could not repeat without
some hasty ebullitions of passionate resentment. This peer,
after having gently disapproved of the letter of
expostulation, which had produced such unfortunate effects,
kindly undertook to recommend his case to the minister, and
actually performed his promise that same day, when Sir
Steady informed him, to his utter astonishment, that the
poor young gentleman was disordered in his brain, so that he
could not possibly be provided for in a place of importance,
with any regard to the service; and it could not be expected
that he (Sir Steady) would support his extravagance from his
own private purse; that he had, indeed at the solicitation
of a nobleman deceased, made him a present of three hundred
pounds, in consideration of some loss that he pretended to
have sustained in an election; but, since that time, had
perceived in him such indisputable marks of lunacy, both by
his distracted letters and personal behaviour, as obliged
him to give order that he should not be admitted into the
house. To corroborate this assertion, the minister actually
called in the evidence of his own porter, and one of the
gentlemen of his household, who had heard the execrations
that escaped our youth, when he first found himself
excluded. In short, the nobleman was convinced that
Peregrine was certainly and bona fide mad as a March hare;
and, by the help of this intimation, began to recollect some
symptoms of distraction which appeared in his last visit; he
remembered a certain incoherence in his speech, a violence
of gesture and wildness of look, that now evidently denoted
a disturbed understanding; and he determined, for his own
credit and security, to disentangle himself from such a
dangerous acquaintance.
With this view, he, in imitation of Sir Steady, commanded
his gate to be shut against our adventurer; so that, when he
went to know the result of his lordship's conference with
the minister, the door was flung in his face, and the
janitor told him through an iron grate, that he needed not
to give himself the trouble of calling again, for his lord
desired to be excused from seeing him. He spoke not a word
in answer to this declaration, which he immediately imputed
to the ill offices of the minister, against whom he breathed
defiance and revenge, in his way to the lodgings of
Cadwallader; who, being made acquainted with the manner of
his reception, begged he would desist from all schemes of
vengeance, until he, Crabtree, should be able to unriddle
the mystery of the whole, which he did not doubt of
unveiling by means of his acquaintance with a family in
which his lordship often spent the evening at whist.
It was not long before he had the desired opportunity:
the nobleman being under no injunctions or obligation to
keep the affair secret, discovered the young gentleman's
misfortune, by way of news, to the first company in which he
happened to be; and Peregrine's name was not so obscure in
the fashionable world, but that his disorder became the
general topic of conversation for a day; so that his friend
soon partook of the intelligence, and found means to learn
the particulars of the minister's information, as above
related. Nay, he was in danger of becoming a proselyte to
Sir Steady's opinion, when he recalled and compared every
circumstance which he knew of Pickle's impatience and
impetuosity. Indeed, nothing more easily gains credit than
an imputation of madness fixed upon any person whatsoever:
for when the suspicion of the world is roused, and its
observation once set at work, the wisest, the coolest man
upon earth, will, by some particulars in his behaviour,
convict himself of the charge: every singularity in his
dress and manner (and such are observable in every person),
that before passed unheeded, now rises up in judgment
against him, with all the exaggeration of the observer's
fancy; and the sagacious examiner perceives distraction in
every glance of the eye, turn of the finger, and motion of
the head. When he speaks, there is a strange peculiarity in
his argument and expression; when he holds his tongue, his
imagination teems with some extravagant reverie; his
sobriety of demeanour is no other than a lucid interval, and
his passion mere delirium.
If people of the most sedate and insipid life and
conversation are subject to such criticisms, no wonder that
they should take place upon a youth of Peregrine's fiery
disposition, which, on some occasions, would have actually
justified any remarks of this kind, which his greatest
enemies could make. He was accordingly represented as one of
those enterprising bucks, who, after having spent their
fortunes in riot and excess, are happily bereft of their
understanding, and consequently insensible of the want and
disgrace which they have entailed upon themselves,
Cadwallader himself was so much affected with the report,
that for some time he hesitated in his deliberations upon
our hero, before he could prevail upon himself to
communicate to him the information he had received, or to
treat him in other respects as a man of sound intellects. At
length, however, he ventured to make Pickle acquainted with
the particulars he had learned, imparting them with such
caution and circumlocution, as he thought necessary to
prevent the young gentleman from transgressing all bounds of
temper and moderation; but, for once, he was agreeably
deceived in his prognostic. Incensed as our hero was at the
conduct of the minister, he could not help laughing at the
ridiculous aspersion, which he told his friend he would soon
refute in a manner that should not be very agreeable to his
calumniator, observing, that it was a common practice with
the state pilot, thus to slander those people to whom he lay
under obligations which he had no mind to discharge. "True
it is," said Peregrine "he has succeeded more than once in
contrivances of this kind, having actually reduced divers
people of weak heads to such extremity of despair, as hath
issued in downright distraction, whereby he was rid of their
importunities, and his judgment confirmed at the same time.
But I have now, thank Heaven, attained to such a pitch of
philosophical resolution, as will support me against all his
machinations; and I will forthwith exhibit the monster to
the public, in his true lineaments of craft, perfidy, and
ingratitude."
This indeed was the plan with which Mr. Pickle had amused
himself during the researches of Crabtree; and by this time
it so effectually flattered his imagination, that he
believed he should be able to bring his adversary, in spite
of all his power, to his own terms of submission, by
distinguishing himself in the list of those who, at that
period, wrote against the administration. Nor was this
scheme so extravagant as it may seem to be, had not he
overlooked one material circumstance, which Cadwallader
himself did not recollect, when he approved of this project.
While he thus meditated vengeance, the fame of his
disorder, in due course of circulation, reached the ears of
that lady of quality whose memoirs have already appeared in
these adventures. The correspondence with which she had
honoured our hero had been long broke off for the reason
already advanced, namely, his dread of being exposed to her
infatuating charms. He had been candid enough to make her
acquainted with the cause of exiling himself from her
presence; and she admitted the prudence of self-restraint,
although she would have very well satisfied with the
continuance of his intimacy and conversation, which were not
at all beneath the desire of any lady in the kingdom.
Notwithstanding this interruption, she still retained a
friendship and regard for his character, and felt all the
affliction of a humane heart, at the news of his misfortunes
and deplorable distemper. She had seen him courted and
cultivated in the sunshine of his prosperity; but she knew,
from sad experience, how all those insect-followers shrink
away in the winter of distress. Her compassion represented
him as a poor unhappy lunatic, destitute of all the
necessaries of life, dragging about the ruins of human
nature, and exhibiting the spectacle of blasted youth to the
scorn and abhorrence of his fellow-creatures. Aching with
these charitable considerations, she found means to learn in
what part of the town he lodged and, laying aside all
superfluous ceremony, went in a hackney-chair to his door,
which was opened by the ever-faithful Pipes.
Her ladyship immediately recollected the features of his
trusty follower, whom she could not help loving in her heart
for his attachment and fidelity, which after she had
applauded with a most gracious commendation, she kindly
inquired after the state of his master's health, and asked
if he was in a condition to be seen. Tom, who could not
suppose that the visit of a fine lady would be unacceptable
to a youth of Peregrine's complexion, made no verbal reply
to the question; but beckoning her ladyship with an arch
significance of feature, at which she could not forbear
smiling, walked softly up-stairs; and she, in obedience to
the signal, followed her guide into the apartment of our
hero, whom she found at a writing-table, in the very act of
composing a eulogium upon his good friend Sir Steady. The
nature of his work had animated his countenance with an
uncommon degree of vivacity; and being dressed in a neat
deshabille, his figure could not have appeared to more
advantage in the eye of a person who despised the tinsel of
unnecessary ornament. She was extremely well pleased to see
her expectations so agreeably disappointed; for, instead of
the squalid circumstances and wretched looks attending
indigence and distraction, everything was decent and
genteel; and the patient's aspect such as betokened internal
satisfaction. Hearing the rustling of silk in his room, he
lifted up his eyes from the paper, and, seeing her ladyship,
was struck with astonishment and awe, as at the unexpected
apparition of some supernatural being.
Before he could recollect himself from his confusion,
which called the blood into his cheeks, she told him that,
on the strength of old acquaintance, she was come to visit
him, though it was a long time since he had given her good
reason to believe he had absolutely forgot that there was
such a person as she in being. After having made the most
warm acknowledgments for this unforeseen honour, he assured
her ladyship that the subject of her reproach was not his
fault, but rather his very great misfortune; and that, if it
had been in his power to forget her so easily as she seemed
to imagine, he should never have given her cause to tax him
with want of duty and respect.
Still dubious of his situation, she began to converse
with him on different subjects; and he acquitted himself so
well in every particular, that she no longer doubted his
having been misrepresented by the malice of his enemies, and
candidly told him the cause and intent of her coming. He was
not deficient in expressions of gratitude for this instance
of her generosity and friendship, which even drew tears from
his eyes. As to the imputation of madness, he explained it
so much to her ladyship's satisfaction, that she evidently
perceived he had been barbarously dealt with, and that the
charge was no other than a most villainous aspersion.
Notwithstanding all his endeavours to conceal the true state
of his finances, it was impossible for him to give this
detail, without disclosing some of the difficulties under
which he laboured; and, her ladyship's sagacity divining the
rest, she not only made him a tender of assistance, but,
presenting a bank-note for a considerable sum, insisted upon
his acceptance of it as a trifling mark of her esteem, and a
specimen of what she was inclined to do in his behalf. But
this mark of her benevolence he would by no means receive;
assuring her, that, though his affairs were at present a
little perplexed, he had never felt the least circumstance
of distress, and begging that she would not subject him to
the burden of such an unnecessary obligation.
Being obliged to put up with this refusal she protested
she would never forgive him should she ever hear that he
rejected her offer when he stood in need of her aid; or if,
in any time to come, he should not apply to her friendship,
if ever he should find himself incommoded in point of
fortune. "An overdelicacy in this respect," said she, "I
shall look upon as a disapprobation of my own conduct;
because I myself have been obliged to have recourse to my
friends in such emergencies." These generous remonstrances
and marks of particular friendship could not fail to make a
deep impression upon the heart of our hero, which still
smarted from the former impulse of her charms; he not only
felt all those transports which a man of honour and
sensibility may be supposed to feel upon such an occasion,
but the sentiments of a more tender passion awaking in his
breast, he could not help expressing himself in terms
adapted to the emotion of his soul; and, at length, plainly
told her, that, were he disposed to be a beggar, he would
ask something of infinitely more importance to his peace
than the charitable assistance she had proffered. Her
ladyship had too much penetration to mistake his meaning;
but, as she did not choose to encourage his advances,
pretended to interpret his intimation into a general
compliment of gallantry, and, in a jocose manner, desired he
would not give her any reason to believe his lucid interval
was past. "In faith, my lady," said he, "I perceive the fit
coming on; and I don't see why I may not use the privilege
of my distemper, so far as to declare myself one of your
most passionate admirers."—"If you do," replied her
ladyship, "I shall not be fool enough to believe a madman,
unless I were assured that your disorder proceeded from your
love; and that this was the case, I suppose you will find it
difficult to prove."—"Nay, madam," cried the youth, "I have
in this drawer what will convince you of my having been mad
on that strain; and, since you doubt my pretension, you must
give me leave to produce my testimonials." So saying, he
opened an escrutoire, and taking out a paper, presented her
with the following song, which he had written in her praise,
immediately after he was made acquainted with the
particulars of her story:
I.
While with fond rapture and amaze,
On thy transcendent charms I gaze,
My cautious soul essays in vain
Her peace and freedom to maintain;
yet let that blooming form divine,
Where grace and harmony combine;
Those eyes, like genial orbs that move,
Dispensing gladness, joy, and love;
in all their pomp assail my view,
Intent my bosom to subdue;
My breast, by wary maxims steel'd,
Not all those charms shall force to yield.
II.
But, when invok'd to Beauty's aid,
I see the enlighten'd soul display'd,
That soul so sensibly sedate
Amid the storms of froward fate!
Thy genius active, strong, and clear,
Thy wit sublime, though not severe,
The social ardour, void of art,
That glows within thy candid heart;
My spirits, sense, and strength decay,
My resolution dies away,
And, every faculty oppress'd,
Almighty love invades my breast!
Her ladyship having perused this production, "Were I
inclined to be suspicious," said she, "I should believe that
I had no share in producing this composition, which seems to
have been inspired by a much more amiable object. However, I
will take your word for your intention, and thank you for
the unmerited compliment, though I have met with it in such
an accidental manner. Nevertheless, I must be so free as to
tell you, it is now high time for you to contract that
unbounded spirit of gallantry, which you have indulged so
long, into a sincere attachment for the fair Emilia, who, by
all accounts, deserves the whole of your attention and
regard." His nerves thrilled at mention of that name, which
he never heard pronounced without agitation. Rather than
undergo the consequence of a conversation upon this subject,
he chose to drop the theme of love altogether, and
industriously introduced some other topic of discourse.
CHAPTER XCVII.
He writes against the Minister, by whose Instigation he is
arrested, and moves himself by habeas corpus into the Fleet.
My lady having prolonged her stay beyond the period of a
common visit, and repeated her protestations in the most
frank and obliging manner, took her leave of our adventurer,
who promised to pay his respects to her in a few days at her
own house. Meanwhile, he resumed his task; and having
finished a most severe remonstrance against Sir Steady, not
only with regard to his private ingratitude, but also to his
maladministration of public affairs, he sent it to the
author of a weekly paper, who had been long a professed
reformer in politics, and it appeared in a very few days,
with a note of the publisher, desiring the favour of further
correspondence with the author.
The animadversions contained in this small essay were so
spirited and judicious, and a great many new lights thrown
upon the subject with such perspicuity, as attracted the
notice of the public in an extraordinary manner, and helped
to raise the character of the paper in which it was
inserted. The minister was not the last who examined the
performance, which, in spite of all his boasted temper,
provoked him to such a degree, that he set his emissaries at
work, and by dint of corruption, procured a sight of the
manuscript in Peregrine's own handwriting, which he
immediately recognised; but, for further confirmation of his
opinion, he compared it with the two letters which he had
received from our adventurer. Had he known the young
gentleman's talents for declamation were so acute, perhaps
he would never have given him cause to complain, but
employed him in the vindication of his own measures; nay, he
might still have treated him like some other authors whom he
had brought over from the opposition, had not the keenness
of this first assault incensed him to a desire of revenge.
He, therefore, no sooner made this discovery, than he
conveyed his directions to his dependent, the
receiver-general, who was possessed of Pickle's notes. Next
day, while our author stood within a circle of his
acquaintance, at a certain coffee-house, holding forth with
great eloquence upon the diseases of the state, he was
accosted by a bailiff, who, entering the room with five or
six followers, told him aloud that he had a writ against him
for twelve hundred pounds, at the suit of Mr. Ravage
Gleanum.
The whole company were astonished at this address, which
did not fail to discompose the defendant himself, who, as it
were instinctively, in the midst of his confusion, saluted
the officer across the head with his cane; in consequence of
which application, he was surrounded and disarmed in an
instant by the gang, who carried him off to the next tavern
in the most opprobrious manner. Nor did one of the
spectators interpose in his behalf, or visit him in his
confinement with the least tender of advice or assistance;
such is the zeal of coffee-house friendship. This stroke was
the more severe upon our hero, as it was altogether
unexpected; for he had utterly forgot the debt for which he
was arrested. His present indignation was, however, chiefly
kindled against the bailiff, who had done his office in such
a disrespectful manner; and the first use he made of his
recollection in the house to which they conducted him, was
to chastise him for the insolence and indecency of his
behaviour. This task he performed with his bare fists, every
other weapon being previously conveyed out of his reach; and
the delinquent underwent his discipline with surprising
patience and resignation, asking pardon with great humility,
and protesting before God, that he had never willingly and
wittingly used any gentleman with ill manners, but had been
commanded to arrest our adventurer according to the express
direction of the creditor, on pain of forfeiting his place.
By this declaration Peregrine was appeased, and, out of a
delirium of passion, waked to all the horrors of reflection.
All the glory of his youth was now eclipsed, all the
blossoms of his hope were blasted, and he saw himself doomed
to the miseries of a jail, without the least prospect of
enlargement, except in the issue of his lawsuit, of which he
had, for some time past, grown less and less confident every
day. What would become of the unfortunate, if the
constitution of the mind did not permit them to bring one
passion into the field against another? passions that
operate in the human breast, like poisons of a different
nature, extinguishing each other's effect. Our hero's grief
reigned in full despotism, until it was deposed by revenge,
during the predominancy of which he considered everything
which had happened as a circumstance conducive to its
gratification. "If I must be prisoner for life," said he to
himself, "if I must relinquish all my gay expectations, let
me at least have the satisfaction of clanking my chains so
as to interrupt the repose of my adversary; and let me
search in my own breast for that peace and contentment,
which I have not been able to find in all the scenes of my
success. In being detached from the world, I shall be
delivered from folly and ingratitude, as well as exempted
from an expense, which I should have found it very
difficult, if not impracticable, to support; I shall have
little or no temptation to misspend my time, and more
undisturbed opportunity to earn my subsistence, and
prosecute revenge. After all, a jail is the best tub to
which a cynic philosopher can retire."
In consequence of these comfortable reflections, he sent
a letter to Mr. Crabtree, with an account of his misfortune,
signifying his resolution to move himself immediately into
the Fleet, and desiring that he would send him some
understanding attorney of his acquaintance, who would direct
him into the steps necessary to be taken for that purpose.
The misanthrope, upon the receipt of this intimation, sent
in person to a lawyer, whom he accompanied to the
spunging-house whither the prisoner had by this time
retired. Peregrine was, under the auspices of his director,
conducted to the judges' chamber, where he was left in the
custody of a tipstaff; and, after having paid for a warrant
of habeas corpus, by him conveyed to the Fleet, and
delivered to the care of the warden.
Here he was introduced to the lodge, in which he was
obliged to expose himself a full half-hour to the eyes of
all the turnkeys and door-keepers, who took an accurate
survey of his person, that they might know him again at
first sight; and then he was turned loose into the place
called the master's side, having given a valuable
consideration for that privilege. This is a large range of
building, containing some hundreds of lodging-rooms for the
convenience of the prisoners, who pay so much per week for
that accommodation. In short, this community is like a city
detached from all communication with the neighbouring parts,
regulated by its own laws, and furnished with peculiar
conveniences for the use of the inhabitants. There is a
coffee-house for the resort of gentlemen, in which all sorts
of liquors are kept, and a public kitchen, where any
quantity of meat is sold at a very reasonable rate, or any
kind of provision boiled and roasted gratis, for the poor
prisoners. Nay, there are certain servants of the public,
who are obliged to go to market, at the pleasure of
individuals, without fee or reward from those who employ
them. Nor are they cooped up, so as to be excluded from the
benefit of fresh air, there being an open area, of a
considerable extent, adjacent to the building, on which they
may exercise themselves in walking, skittles, bowls, and a
variety of other diversions, according to the inclination of
each.
Our adventurer being admitted a denizen of this
community, found himself bewildered in the midst of
strangers, who, by their appearance, did not at all
prepossess him in their favour; and, after having strolled
about the place with his friend Cadwallader, repaired to the
coffee-house, in order to be further informed of the
peculiar customs which it was necessary for him to know.
There, while he endeavoured to pick up intelligence from the
bar-keeper, he was accosted by a person in canonicals, who
very civilly asked if he was a new-comer. Being answered in
the affirmative, he gave him the salutation of welcome to
the society, and, with great hospitality, undertook to
initiate him in the constitutions of the brotherhood. This
humane clergyman gave him to understand, that his first care
ought to be that of securing a lodging; telling him there
was a certain number of apartments in the prison let at the
same price, though some were more commodious than others;
and that when the better sort became vacant, by the removal
of their possessors, those who succeeded in point of
seniority had the privilege of occupying the empty tenements
preferable to the rest of the inhabitants, howsoever
respectable they might otherwise be. That, when the jail was
very much crowded, there was but one chamber allotted for
two lodgers; but this was not considered as any great
hardship on the prisoners; because, in that case, there was
always a sufficient number of males, who willingly admitted
the females to a share in their apartments and beds. Not but
the time had been, when this expedient would not answer the
occasion; because, after a couple had been quartered in
every room, there was a considerable residue still
unprovided with lodging; so that, for the time being, the
last-comers were obliged to take up their habitation in
Mount Scoundrel, an apartment most miserably furnished, in
which they lay promiscuously, amidst filth and vermin, until
they could be better accommodated in due course of rotation.
Peregrine, hearing the description of this place, began
to be very impatient about his night's lodging; and the
parson, perceiving his anxiety, conducted him, without loss
of time, to the warden, who forthwith put him in possession
of a paltry chamber, for which he agreed to pay half a crown
a week. This point being settled, his director gave him an
account of the different methods of eating, either singly,
in a mess, or at an ordinary, and advised him to choose the
last, as the most reputable, offering to introduce him next
day to the best company in the Fleet, who always dined
together in public.
Pickle having thanked this gentleman for his civilities,
and promised to be governed by his advice, invited him to
pass the evening at his apartment; and, in the meantime,
shut himself up with Crabtree, in order to deliberate upon
the wreck of his affairs. Of all his ample fortune nothing
now remained but his wardrobe, which was not very sumptuous,
about thirty guineas in cash, and the garrison, which the
misanthrope counselled him to convert into ready money for
his present subsistence. This advice, however, he absolutely
rejected, not only on account of his having already bestowed
it upon Hatchway during the term of his natural life, but
also with a view of retaining some memorial of the
commodore's generosity. He proposed, therefore, to finish in
this retreat the translation which he had undertaken, and
earn his future subsistence by labour of the same kind. He
desired Cadwallader to take charge of his movables, and send
to him such linen and clothes as he should have occasion for
in his confinement. But, among all his difficulties, nothing
embarrassed him so much as his faithful Pipes, whom he could
no longer entertain in his service. He knew Tom had made
shift to pick up a competency in the course of his
ministration; but that reflection, though it in some measure
alleviated, could not wholly prevent the mortification he
should suffer in parting with an affectionate adherent, who
was by this time become as necessary to him as one of his
own members, and who was so accustomed to live under his
command and protection, that he did not believe the fellow
could reconcile himself to any other way of life.
Crabtree, in order to make him easy on that score,
offered to adopt him in the room of his own valet, whom he
would dismiss; though he observed, that Pipes had been quite
spoiled in our hero's service. But Peregrine did not choose
to lay his friend under that inconvenience, knowing that his
present lacquey understood and complied with all the
peculiarities of his humour, which Pipes would never be able
to study or regard; he therefore determined to send him back
to his shipmate Hatchway, with whom he had spent the fore
part of his life. These points being adjusted, the two
friends adjourned to the coffee-house, with a view of
inquiring into the character of the clergyman to whose
beneficence our adventurer was so much indebted. They
learned he was a person who had incurred the displeasure of
the bishop in whose diocese he was settled, and, being
unequal in power to his antagonist, had been driven to the
Fleet, in consequence of his obstinate opposition; though he
still found means to enjoy a pretty considerable income, by
certain irregular practices in the way of his function,
which income was chiefly consumed in acts of humanity to his
fellow-creatures in distress.
His eulogium was scarce finished, when he entered the
room, according to appointment with Peregrine, who ordering
wine and something for supper to be carried to his
apartment, the triumvirate went thither; and Cadwallader
taking his leave for the night, the two fellow-prisoners
passed the evening very sociably, our hero being entertained
by his new companion with a private history of the place,
some particulars of which were extremely curious. He told
him, that the person who attended them at supper, bowing
with the most abject servility, and worshipping them every
time he opened his mouth, with the epithets of your lordship
and your honour, had, a few years before, been actually a
captain in the guards; who, after having run his career in
the great world, had threaded every station in their
community, from that of a buck of the first order, who
swaggers about the Fleet in a laced coat, with a footman and
w—, to the degree of a tapster, in which he was now happily
settled. "If you will take the trouble of going into the
cook's kitchen," said he, "you will perceive a beau
metamorphosed into a turnspit; and there are some hewers of
wood and drawers of water in this microcosm who have had
forests and fishponds of their own. Yet, notwithstanding
such a miserable reverse of fortune, they are neither
objects of regard nor compassion, because their misfortunes
are the fruits of the most vicious extravagance, and they
are absolutely insensible of the misery which is their lot.
Those of our fellow-sufferers, who have been reduced by
undeserved losses, or the precipitation of inexperienced
youth, never fail to meet with the most brotherly
assistance, provided they behave with decorum, and a due
sense of their unhappy circumstances. Nor are we destitute
of power to chastise the licentious, who refuse to comply
with the regulations of the place, and disturb the peace of
the community with riot and disorder. Justice is here
impartially administered by a court of equity, consisting of
a select number of the most respectable inhabitants, who
punish all offenders with equal judgment and resolution,
after they have been fairly convicted of the crimes laid to
their charge."
The clergyman having thus explained the economy of the
place, as well as the cause of his own confinement, began to
discover signs of curiosity touching our hero's situation;
and Pickle, thinking he could do no less for the
satisfaction of a man who had treated him in such a
hospitable manner, favoured him with a detail of the
circumstances which produced his imprisonment; at the same
time gratifying his resentment against the minister, which
delighted in recapitulating the injuries he had received.
The parson, who had been prepossessed in favour of our youth
at first sight, understanding what a considerable part he
had acted on the stage of life, felt his veneration
increase; and, pleased with the opportunity of introducing a
stranger of his consequence to the club, left him to his
repose, or rather to ruminate on an event which he had not
as yet seriously considered.
I might here, in imitation of some celebrated writers,
furnish out a page or two, with the reflections he made upon
the instability of human affairs, the treachery of the
world, and the temerity of youth; and endeavour to decoy the
reader into a smile, by some quaint observation of my own,
touching the sagacious moraliser: but, besides that I look
upon this practice as an impertinent anticipation of the
peruser's thoughts, I have too much matter of importance
upon my hands, to give the reader the least reason to
believe that I am driven to such paltry shifts, in order to
eke out the volume. Suffice it then to say, our adventurer
passed a very uneasy night, not only from the thorny
suggestions of his mind, but likewise from the anguish of
his body, which suffered from the hardness of his couch, as
well as from the natural inhabitants thereof, that did not
tamely suffer his intrusion. In the morning he was waked by
Pipes, who brought upon his shoulder a portmanteau filled
with necessaries, according to the direction of Cadwallader;
and, tossing it down upon the floor, regaled himself with a
quid, without the least manifestation of concern. After some
pause, "You see, Pipes," said his master, "to what I have
brought myself." "Ey, ey," answered the valet, "once the
vessel is ashore, what signifies talking? We must bear a
hand to tow her off, if we can. If she won't budge for all
the anchors and capstans aboard, after we have lightened
her, by cutting away her masts, and heaving our guns and
cargo overboard, why then, mayhap a brisk gale of wind, a
tide, or current setting from shore, may float her again in
the blast of a whistle. Here is two hundred and ten guineas
by the tale in this here canvas bag; and upon this scrap of
paper—no, avast—that's my discharge from the parish for Moll
Trundle—ey, here it is—an order for thirty pounds upon the
what-d'ye-call-'em in the city; and two tickets for
twenty-five and eighteen, which I lent, d'ye see, to Sam
Studding to buy a cargo of rum, when he hoisted the sign of
the commodore at St. Catherine's." So saying, he spread his
whole stock upon the table for the acceptance of Peregrine;
who, being very much affected with this fresh instance of
his attachment, expressed his satisfaction at seeing he had
been such a good economist, and paid his wages up to that
very day. He thanked him for his faithful services, and,
observing that he himself was no longer in a condition to
maintain a domestic, advised him to retire to the garrison,
where he would be kindly received by his friend Hatchway, to
whom he would recommend him in the strongest terms.
Pipes looked blank at this unexpected intimation, to
which he replied, that he wanted neither pay nor provision,
but only to be employed as a tender; and that he would not
steer his course for the garrison, unless his master would
first take his lumber aboard. Pickle, however, peremptorily
refused to touch a farthing of the money, which he commanded
him to put up, and Pipes was so mortified at his refusal,
that, twisting the notes together, he threw them into the
fire without hesitation, crying, "D— the money!" The canvas
bag with its contents would have shared the same fate, had
not Peregrine started up, and snatching the paper from the
flames, ordered his valet to forbear, on pain of being
banished for ever from his sight. He told him that, for the
present, there was a necessity for his being dismissed, and
he discharged him accordingly; but, if he would go and live
quietly with the lieutenant, he promised, on the first
favourable turn of his fortune, to take him again into his
service. In the meantime he gave him to understand, that he
neither wanted, nor would make use of his money, which he
insisted upon his pocketing immediately, on pain of
forfeiting all title to his favour.
Pipes was very much chagrined at these injunctions, to
which he made no reply; but, sweeping the money into his
bag, stalked off in silence, with a look of grief and
mortification, which his countenance had never exhibited
before. Nor was the proud heart of Pickle unmoved upon the
occasion; he could scarce suppress his sorrow in the
presence of Pipes, and, soon as he was gone, it vented
itself in tears.
Having no great pleasure in conversing with his own
thoughts, he dressed himself with all convenient despatch,
being attended by one of the occasional valets of the place,
who had formerly been a rich mercer in the city; and, this
operation being performed, he went to breakfast at the
coffee-house, where he happened to meet with his friend the
clergyman and several persons of genteel appearance, to whom
the doctor introduced him as a new messmate. By these
gentlemen he was conducted to a place where they spent the
forenoon in playing at fives, an exercise in which our hero
took singular delight; and about one o'clock a court was
held, for the trial of two delinquents, who had transgressed
the laws of honesty and good order. The first who appeared
at the bar was an attorney, accused of having picked a
gentleman's pocket of his handkerchief. And the fact being
proved by incontestable evidence, he received sentence. In
consequence of which, he was immediately carried to the
public pump, and subjected to a severe cascade of cold
water. This cause being discussed, they proceeded to the
trial of the other offender, who was a lieutenant of a
man-of-war, indicted for a riot, which he had committed in
company with a female, not yet taken, against the laws of
the place, and the peace of his fellow-prisoners. The
culprit had been very obstreperous, and absolutely refused
to obey the summons, with many expressions of contempt and
defiance against the authority of the court; upon which the
constables were ordered to bring him to the bar, vi et
armis; and he was accordingly brought before the judge,
after having made a most desperate resistance with a hanger,
by which one of the officers was dangerously wounded. This
outrage was such an aggravation of his crime, that the court
would not venture to decide upon it, but remitted him to the
sentence of the warden; who, by virtue of his dictatorial
power, ordered the rioter to be loaded with irons, and
confined in the strong room, which is a dismal dungeon,
situated upon the side of the ditch, infested with toads and
vermin, surcharged with noisome damps, and impervious to the
least ray of light.
Justice being done upon these criminals, our adventurer
and his company adjourned to the ordinary, which was kept at
the coffee-house; and he found, upon inquiry, that his
messmates consisted of one officer, two underwriters, three
projectors, an alchemist, an attorney, a parson, a brace of
poets, a baronet, and a knight of the Bath. The dinner,
though not sumptuous, nor very elegantly served up, was
nevertheless substantial, and pretty well dressed. The wine
was tolerable, and all the guests as cheerful as if they had
been utter strangers to calamity; so that our adventurer
began to relish the company, and mix in the conversation,
with that sprightliness and ease which were peculiar to his
disposition. The repast being ended, the reckoning paid, and
part of the gentlemen withdrawn to cards, or other
avocations, those who remained, among whom Peregrine made
one, agreed to spend the afternoon in conversation over a
bowl of punch; and the liquor being produced, they passed
the time very socially in various topics of discourse,
including many curious anecdotes relating to their own
affairs. No man scrupled to own the nature of the debt for
which he was confined, unless it happened to be some
piddling affair, but, on the contrary, boasted of the
importance of the sum, as a circumstance that implied his
having been a person of consequence in life; and he who made
the most remarkable escapes from bailiffs, was looked upon
as a man of superior genius and address.
Among other extraordinary adventures of this kind, none
was more romantic than the last elopement achieved by the
officer; who told them he had been arrested for a debt of
two hundred pounds, at a time when he could not command as
many pence, and conveyed to the bailiff's house, in which he
continued a whole fortnight, moving his lodgings higher and
higher, from time to time, in proportion to the decay of his
credit; until, from the parlour, he had made a regular
ascent to the garret. There, while he ruminated on his next
step, which would have been to the Marshalsea, and saw the
night come on, attended with hunger and cold, the wind began
to blow, and the tiles of the house rattled with the storm.
His imagination was immediately struck with the idea of
escaping unperceived, amidst the darkness and noise of the
tempest, by creeping out of the window of his apartment, and
making his way over the tops of the adjoining houses.
Glowing with this prospect, he examined the passage, which,
to his infinite mortification, he found grated with iron
bars on the outside; but even this difficulty did not divert
him from his purpose. Conscious of his own strength, he
believed himself able to make a hole through the roof, which
seemed to be slender and crazy; and, on this supposition, he
barricaded the door with the whole furniture of the room;
then setting himself to work with a poker, he in a few
minutes effected a passage for his hand, with which he
gradually stripped off the boards and tiling, so as to open
a sallyport for his whole body, through which he fairly set
himself free, groping his way towards the next tenement.
Here, however, he met with an unlucky accident. His hat
being blown off his head, chanced to fall into the court
just as one of the bailiff's followers was knocking at the
door; and this myrmidon, recognizing it, immediately gave
the alarm to his chief, who, running up-stairs to the
garret, forced open the door in a twinkling, notwithstanding
the precautions which the prisoner had taken, and, with his
attendant, pursued the fugitive through his own track.
"After this chase had continued some time," said the
officer, "to the imminent danger of all three, I found my
progress suddenly stopped by a skylight, through which I
perceived seven tailors sitting at work upon a board.
Without the least hesitation, or previous notice, I plunged
among them with my backside foremost. Before they could
recollect themselves from the consternation occasioned by
such a strange visit, I told them my situation, and gave
them to understand that there was no time to be lost. One of
the number, taking the hint, led me instantly down-stairs,
and dismissed me at the street door; while the bailiff and
his follower, arriving at the breach, were deterred from
entering by the brethren of my deliverer, who, presenting
their shears, like a range of chevaux de frise, commanded
them to retire, on pain of immediate death. And the
catchpole, rather than risk his carcase, consented to
discharge the debt, comforting himself with the hope of
making me prisoner again. There, however, he was
disappointed. I kept snug, and laughed at his
escape-warrant, until I was ordered abroad with the
regiment, when I conveyed myself in a hearse to Gravesend,
where I embarked for Flanders; but, being obliged to come
over again on the recruiting service, I was nabbed on
another score. And all the satisfaction my first captor has
been able to obtain, is a writ of detainer, which, I
believe, will fix me in this place, until the parliament, in
its great goodness, shall think proper to discharge my debts
by a new act of insolvency."
Everybody owned, that the captain's success was equal to
the hardiness of his enterprise, which was altogether in the
style of a soldier; but one of the merchants observed, that
he must have been a bailiff of small experience, who would
trust a prisoner of that consequence in such an unguarded
place. "If the captain," said he, "had fallen into the hands
of such a cunning rascal as the fellow that arrested me, he
would not have found it such an easy matter to escape; for
the manner in which I was caught is perhaps the most
extraordinary that ever was practised in these realms. You
must know, gentlemen, I suffered such losses by insuring
vessels during the war, that I was obliged to stop payment,
though my expectations were such as encouraged me to manage
one branch of business, without coming to an immediate
composition with my creditors, and, in short, I received
consignments from abroad as usual, that I might not be
subject to the visits of those catchpoles, I never stirred
abroad; but, turning my first floor into a warehouse,
ordered all my goods to be hoisted up by a crane fixed to
the upper story of my house. Divers were the stratagems
practised by those ingenious ferrets, with a view of
decoying me from the walls of my fortification. I received
innumerable messages from people, who wanted to see me at
certain taverns, upon particular business. I was summoned
into the country, to see my own mother, who was said to be
at the point of death. A gentlewoman, one night, was taken
in labour on my threshold. At another time I was disturbed
with the cry of murder in the street; and once I was alarmed
by a false fire. But, being still upon my guard, I baffled
all their attempts, and thought myself quite secure from
their invention, when one of those bloodhounds, inspired, I
believe, by the devil himself, contrived a snare by which I
was at last entrapped. He made it his business to inquire
into the particulars of my traffic; and, understanding that,
among other things, there were several chests of Florence
entered at the custom house on my behalf, he ordered himself
to be enclosed in a box of the same dimensions, with
air-holes in the bottom, for the benefit of breathing, and
marked upon the cover; and, being conveyed to my door in a
cart, among other goods, was, in his turn, hoisted up to my
warehouse, where I stood with a hammer, in order to open the
chests, that I might compare the contents with the invoice.
You may guess my surprise and consternation, when, upon
uncovering the box, I saw a bailiff rearing up his head,
like Lazarus from the grave, and heard him declare that he
had a writ against me for a thousand pounds. Indeed, I aimed
the hammer at his head, but, in the hurry of my confusion,
missed my mark; before I could repeat the blow, he started
up with great agility, and executed his office in sight of
several evidences whom he had assembled in the street for
that purpose; so that I could not possibly disentangle
myself from the toil without incurring an escape-warrant,
from which I had no protection. But, had I known the
contents of the chest, by all that's good! I would have
ordered my porter to raise it up as high as the crane would
permit, and then have cut the rope by accident."
"That expedient," said the knight with the red ribbon,
"would have discouraged him from such hazardous attempts for
the future, and would have been an example in terrorem of
all his brethren. The story puts me in mind of a deliverance
achieved by Tom Hackabout, a very stout, honest fellow, an
old acquaintance of mine, who had been so famous for maiming
bailiffs, that another gentleman having been ill-used at a
spunging-house, no sooner obtained his liberty, than, with a
view of being revenged upon the landlord, he, for five
shillings, bought one of Tom's notes, which sold at a very
large discount, and, taking out a writ upon it, put it into
the hands of the bailiff who had used him ill. The
catchpole, after a diligent search, had an opportunity of
executing the writ upon the defendant, who, without
ceremony, broke one of his arms, fractured his skull, and
belaboured him in such a manner, that he lay without sense
or motion on the spot. By such exploits, this hero became so
formidable, that no single bailiff would undertake to arrest
him; so that he appeared in all public places untouched. At
length, however, several officers of the Marshalsea court
entered into a confederacy against him; and two of the
number, attended by three desperate followers, ventured to
arrest him one day in the Strand, near Hungerford-market. He
found it impossible to make resistance, because the whole
gang sprung upon him at once, like so many tigers, and
pinioned his arms so fast, that he could not wag a finger.
Perceiving himself fairly overpowered, he desired to be
conducted forthwith to jail, and was stowed in a boat
accordingly; by the time they had reached the middle of the
river, he found means to overset the wherry by accident, and
every man, disregarding the prisoner, consulted his own
safety. As for Hackabout, to whom that element was quite
familiar, he mounted astride upon the keel of the boat,
which was uppermost, and exhorted the bailiffs to swim for
their lives; protesting before God, that they had no other
chance to be saved.
"The watermen were immediately taken up by some of their
own friends, who, far from yielding any assistance to the
catchpoles, kept aloof, and exulted in their calamity. In
short, two of the five went to the bottom, and never saw the
light of God's sun, and the other three, with great
difficulty, saved themselves by laying hold on the rudder of
a dung-barge, to which they were carried by the stream,
while Tom, with great deliberation, swam across to the
Surrey shore. After this achievement, he was so much dreaded
by the whole fraternity, that they shivered at the very
mention of his name; and this character, which some people
would think an advantage to a man in debt, was the greatest
misfortune that could possibly happen to him; because no
tradesman would give him credit for the least trifle, on the
supposition that he could not indemnify himself in the
common course of law."
The parson did not approve of Mr. Hackabout's method of
escaping, which he considered as a very unchristian attempt
upon the lives of his fellow-subjects. "It is enough," said
he, "that we elude the laws of our country, without
murdering the officers of justice. For my own part, I can
lay my hand upon my heart, and safely say, that I forgive
from my soul the fellow by whom I was made a prisoner,
although the circumstances of his behaviour were
treacherous, wicked, and profane. You must know, Mr. Pickle,
I was one day called into my chapel, in order to join a
couple in the holy bands of matrimony; and, my affairs being
at that time so situated, as to lay me under apprehensions
of an arrest, I cautiously surveyed the man through a
lattice which was made for that purpose, before I would
venture to come within his reach. He was clothed in a
seaman's jacket and trousers, and had such an air of
simplicity in his countenance, as divested me of all
suspicion. I therefore, without further scruple, trusted
myself in his presence, began to exercise the duty of my
function, and had actually performed one half of the
ceremony, when the supposed woman, pulling out a paper from
her bosom, exclaimed, with a masculine voice, 'Sir, you are
my prisoner; I have got a writ against you for five hundred
pounds.' I was thunderstruck at this declaration, not so
much on account of my own misfortune, which, thank Heaven, I
can bear with patience and resignation, as at the impiety of
the wretch, first, in disguising such a worldly aim under
the cloak of religion; and, secondly, in prostituting the
service, when there was no occasion for so doing, his design
having previously taken effect. Yet I forgive him, poor
soul! because he knew not what he did; and I hope you, Sir
Simple, will exert the same Christian virtue towards the man
by whom you were likewise overreached."
"Oh! d— the rascal," cried the knight; "were I his judge,
he should be condemned to flames everlasting. A villain! to
disgrace me in such a manner, before almost all the
fashionable company in town." Our hero expressing a
curiosity to know the particulars of this adventure, the
knight gratified his desire, by telling him, that one
evening, while he was engaged in a party of cards, at a drum
in the house of a certain lady of quality, he was given to
understand by one of the servants, that a stranger, very
richly dressed, was just arrived in a chair, preceded by
five footmen with flambeaux, and that he refused to come
upstairs, until he should be introduced by Sir Simple. "Upon
this notice," continued the knight, "I judged it was some of
my quality friends; and, having obtained her ladyship's
permission to bring him up, went down to the hall, and
perceived a person, whom, to the best of my recollection, I
had never seen before. However, his appearance was so
magnificent, that I could not harbour the least suspicion of
his true quality; and, seeing me advance, he saluted me with
a very genteel bow, observing, that though he had not the
honour of my acquaintance, he could not dispense with
waiting upon me, even on that occasion, in consequence of a
letter which he had received from a particular friend. So
saying, he put a paper into my hand, intimating that he had
got a writ against me for ten thousand pounds, and that it
would be my interest to submit without resistance, for he
was provided with a guard of twenty men, who surrounded the
door in different disguises, determined to secure me against
all opposition. Enraged at the scoundrel's finesse, and
trusting to the assistance of the real footmen assembled in
the hall, 'So you are a rascally bailiff,' said I, 'who have
assumed the garb of a gentleman, in order to disturb her
ladyship's company. Take this fellow, my lads, and roll him
in the kennel. Here are ten guineas for your trouble.' These
words were no sooner pronounced, than I was seized, lifted
up, placed in a chair, and carried off in the twinkling of
an eye; not but that the servants of the house, and some
other footmen, made a motion towards my rescue, and alarmed
all the company above. But the bailiff affirming with
undaunted effrontery, that I was taken up upon an affair of
state, and so many people appearing in his behalf, the
countess would not suffer the supposed messenger to be
insulted; and he carried me to the county jail without
further let or molestation."
CHAPTER XCVIII.
Pickle seems tolerably well reconciled to his Cage; and is
by the Clergyman entertained with the Memoirs of a Noted
Personage, whom he sees by accident in the Fleet.
The knight had scarce finished his narrative, when our
hero was told, that a gentleman in the coffee-room wanted to
see him; and when he went thither, he found his friend
Crabtree, who had transacted all his affairs, according to
the determination of the preceding day; and now gave him an
account of the remarks he overheard, on the subject of his
misfortune; for the manner of the arrest was so public and
extraordinary, that those who were present immediately
propagated it among their acquaintance, and it was that same
evening discoursed upon at several tea and card tables, with
this variation from the truth, that the debt amounted to
twelve thousand, instead of twelve hundred pounds. From
which circumstance it was conjectured, that Peregrine was a
bite from the beginning, who had found credit on account of
his effrontery and appearance, and imposed himself upon the
town as a young gentleman of fortune. They rejoiced,
therefore, at his calamity, which they considered as a just
punishment for his fraud and presumption, and began to
review certain particulars of his conduct, that plainly
demonstrated him to be a rank adventurer, long before he had
arrived at this end of his career.
Pickle, who now believed his glory was set for ever,
received this intelligence with that disdain which enables a
man to detach himself effectually from the world, and, with
great tranquility, gave the misanthrope an entertaining
detail of what he had seen and heard since their last
parting. While they amused themselves in this manner over a
dish of coffee they were joined by the parson, who
congratulated our hero upon his bearing mischance with such
philosophic quite, and began to regale the two friends with
some curious circumstances relating to the private history
of the several prisoners, as they happened to come in. At
length a gentleman entered; at sight of whom the clergyman
rose up, and saluted him with a most reverential bow, which
was graciously returned by the stranger, who, with a young
man that attended him, retired to the other end of the room.
They were no sooner out of hearing, than the communicative
priest desired his company to take particular notice of this
person to whom he had paid his respects. "That man," said
he, "is this day one of the most flagrant instances of
neglected virtue which the world can produce. Over and above
a cool discerning head, fraught with uncommon learning and
experience, he is possessed of such fortitude and
resolution, as no difficulties can discourage, and no danger
impair; and so indefatigable in his humanity, that even now,
while he is surrounded with such embarrassments as would
distract the brain of an ordinary mortal, he has added
considerably to his encumbrances, by taking under his
protection that young gentleman, who, induced by his
character, appealed to his benevolence for redress of the
grievances under which he labours from the villainy of
guardian."
Peregrine's curiosity being excited by this encomium,
asked the name of this generous patron, of which when he was
informed, "I am no stranger," said he, "to the fame of that
gentleman, who has made a considerable noise in the world,
on account of that great cause he undertook in defence of an
unhappy orphan; and, since he is a person of such an amiable
disposition, I am heartily sorry to find that his endeavours
have not met with that successful issue which their good
fortune in the beginning seemed to promise. Indeed, the
circumstance of his espousing that cause was so uncommon and
romantic and the depravity of the human heart so universal,
that some people, unacquainted with his real character,
imagined his views were altogether selfish; and some were
not wanting, who affirmed he was a mere adventurer.
Nevertheless, I must do him the justice to own, I have heard
some of the most virulent of those who were concerned on the
other side of the question, bear testimony in his favour,
observing, that he was deceived into the expense of the
whole, by the plausible story which at first engaged his
compassion. Your description of his character confirms me in
the same opinion, though I am quite ignorant of the affair;
the particulars of which I should be glad to learn, as well
as the genuine account of his own life, many circumstances
of which are by his enemies, I believe, egregiously
misrepresented."
"Sir," answered the priest, "that is a piece of
satisfaction which I am glad to find myself capable of
giving you. I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with
Mr. M— from his youth, and everything which I shall relate
concerning him, you may depend upon as a fact which hath
fallen under my own cognizance, or been vouched upon the
credit of undoubted evidence.
"Mr. M—'s father was a minister of the established church
of Scotland, descended from a very ancient clan, and his
mother nearly related to a noble family in the northern part
of that kingdom. While the son was boarded at a public
school, where he made good progress in the Latin tongue, his
father died, and he was left an orphan to the care of an
uncle, who, finding him determined against any servile
employment, kept him at school, that he might prepare
himself for the university, with a view of being qualified
for his father's profession.
"Here his imagination was so heated by the warlike
achievements he found recorded in the Latin authors, such as
Caesar, Curtius, and Buchanan, that he was seized with an
irresistible thirst of military glory, and desire of trying
his fortune in the army. His Majesty's troops taking the
field, in consequence of the rebellion which happened in the
year seventeen hundred and fifteen, this young adventurer,
thinking no life equal to that of a soldier, found means to
furnish himself with a fusil and bayonet, and, leaving the
school, repaired to the camp near Stirling with a view of
signalizing himself in the field, though he was at that time
but just turned of thirteen. He offered his service to
several officers, in hope of being enlisted in their
companies; but they would not receive him, because they
rightly concluded, that he was some schoolboy broke loose,
without the knowledge or consent of his relations.
Notwithstanding this discouragement, he continued in camp,
curiously prying into every part of the service; and such
was the resolution conspicuous in him, even at such a tender
age, that, after his small finances were exhausted, he
persisted in his design; and, because he would not make his
wants known, actually subsisted for several days on hips,
haws, and sloes, and other spontaneous fruits, which he
gathered in the woods and fields. Meanwhile, he never failed
to be present, when any regiment or corps of men were drawn
out to be exercised and reviewed, and accompanied them in
all their evolutions, which he had learned to great
perfection, by observing the companies which were quartered
in the place where he was at school. This eagerness and
perseverance attracted the notice of many officers, who,
after having commended his spirit and zeal, pressed him to
return to his parents, and even threatened to expel him from
the camp, if he would not comply with their advice.
"These remonstrances having no other effect than that of
warning him to avoid his monitors, they thought proper to
alter their behaviour towards him, took him into their
protection, and even into their mess, and what, above all
other marks of favour, pleased the young soldier most,
permitted him to incorporate in the battalion, and take his
turn of duty with the other men. In this happy situation he
was discovered by a relation of his mother, who was a
captain in the army, and who used all his authority and
influence in persuading M— to return to school; but, finding
him deaf to his admonitions and threats, he took him under
his own care, and, when the army marched to Dumblane, left
him at Stirling with express injunctions to keep himself
within the walls.
"He temporized with his kinsman, fearing that, should he
seem refractory, the captain would have ordered him to be
shut up in the castle. Inflamed with the desire of seeing a
battle, his relation no sooner marched off the ground, than
he mixed in with another regiment, to which his former
patrons belonged, and proceeded to the field, where he
distinguished himself, even at that early time of life, by
his gallantry, in helping to retrieve a pair of colours
belonging to M—n's regiment; so that, after the affair, he
was presented to the duke of Argyll, and recommended
strongly to Brigadier Grant, who invited him into his
regiment, and promised to provide for him with the first
opportunity. But that gentleman in a little time lost his
command upon the duke's disgrace, and the regiment was
ordered for Ireland, being given to Colonel Nassau, whose
favour the young volunteer acquired to such a degree, that
he was recommended to the king for his ensigncy, which in
all probability he would have obtained, had not the regiment
been unluckily reduced.
"In consequence of this reduction, which happened in the
most severe season of the year, he was obliged to return to
his own country, through infinite hardships, to which he was
exposed from the narrowness of his circumstances. And
continuing still enamoured of a military life, he entered
into the regiment of Scots Greys, at that time commanded by
the late Sir James Campbell, who, being acquainted with his
family and character, encouraged him with a promise of
speedy preferment. In this corps he remained three years,
during which he had no opportunity of seeing actual service,
except at the affair of Glensheel; and this life of insipid
quiet must have hung heavy upon a youth of M—'s active
disposition, had not he found exercise for the mind, in
reading books of amusement, history, voyages, and geography,
together with those that treated of the art of war, ancient
and modern, for which he contracted such an eager appetite,
that he used to spend sixteen hours a day in this
employment. About that time he became acquainted with a
gentleman of learning and taste, who observing his
indefatigable application, and insatiable thirst after
knowledge, took upon himself the charge of superintending
his studies; and, by the direction of such an able guide,
the young soldier converted his attention to a more solid
and profitable course of reading. So inordinate was his
desire of making speedy advances in the paths of learning,
that within the compass of three months, he diligently
perused the writings of Locke and Malebranche, and made
himself master of the first six and of the eleventh and
twelfth books of Euclid's Elements. He considered Puffendorf
and Grotius with uncommon care, acquired a tolerable degree
of knowledge in the French language, and his imagination was
so captivated with the desire of learning, that, seeing no
prospect of a war, or views of being provided for in the
service, he quitted the army, and went through a regular
course of university education. Having made such progress in
his studies, he resolved to qualify himself for the church,
and acquired such a stock of school divinity, under the
instructions of a learned professor at Edinburgh, that he
more than once mounted the rostrum in the public hall, and
held forth with uncommon applause. But being discouraged
from a prosecution of his plan, by the unreasonable
austerity of some of the Scotch clergy, by whom the most
indifferent and innocent words and actions were often
misconstrued into levity and misconduct, he resolved to
embrace the first favourable opportunity of going abroad,
being inflamed with the desire of seeing foreign countries;
and actually set out for Holland, where, for the space of
two years, he studied the Roman law, with the law of nature
and nations, under the famous professors Tolieu and
Barbeyrac.
"Having thus finished his school education, he set out
for Paris, with a view to make himself perfect in the French
language, and learn such useful exercises, as might be
acquired with the wretched remnant of his slender estate,
which was by that time reduced very low. In his journey
through the Netherlands, he went to Namur, and paid his
respects to Bishop Strickland and General Collier, by whom
he was received with great civility, in consequence of
letters of recommendation, with which he was provided from
the Hague; and the old general assured him of his protection
and interest for a pair of colours, if he was disposed to
enter into the Dutch service. Though he was by that time
pretty well cured of his military quixotism, he would not
totally decline the generous proffer, for which he thanked
him in the most grateful terms, telling the general that he
would pay his duty to him on his return from France, and
then, if he could determine upon re-engaging in the army,
should think himself highly honoured in being under his
command.
"After a stay of two months in Flanders, he proceeded to
Paris, and, far from taking up his habitation in the suburbs
of St. Germain, according to the custom of English
travellers, he hired a private lodging on the other side of
the river, and associated chiefly with French officers, who,
their youthful sallies being over, are allowed to be the
politest gentlemen of that kingdom. In this scheme he found
his account so much, that he could not but wonder at the
folly of his countrymen, who lose the main scope of their
going abroad, by spending their time and fortune idly with
one another.
"During his residence in Holland, he had made himself
acquainted with the best authors in the French language, so
that he was able to share in their conversation; a
circumstance from which he found great benefit; for it not
only improved him in his knowledge of that tongue, but also
tended to the enlargement of his acquaintance, in the course
of which he contracted intimacies in some families of good
fashion, especially those of the long robe, which would have
enabled him to pass his time very agreeably, had he been a
little easier in point of fortune. But his finances,
notwithstanding the most rigid economy, being in a few
months reduced to a very low ebb, the prospect of indigence
threw a damp upon all his pleasures, though he never
suffered himself to be thereby in any degree dispirited;
being in that respect of so happy a disposition, that
conscious poverty or abundance made very slight impressions
upon his mind. This consumption of his cash, however,
involved him in some perplexity, and he deliberated with
himself, whether he should return to General Collier, or
repair to London, where he might possibly fall into some
business not unbecoming a gentleman; though he was very much
mortified to find himself incapable of gratifying an
inordinate desire which possessed him of making the grand
tour, or, at least, of visiting the southern parts of
France.
"While he thus hesitated between different suggestions,
he was one morning visited by a gentleman who had sought and
cultivated his friendship, and for whom he had done a good
office, in supporting him with spirit against a brutal
German, with whom he had an affair of honour. This gentleman
came to propose a party for a fortnight, to Fontainebleau,
where the court then was; and the proposal being declined by
M— with more than usual stiffness, his friend was very
urgent to know the reason of his refusal, and at length,
with some confusion, said, 'Perhaps your finances are low?'
M— replied, that he had wherewithal to defray the expense of
his journey to London, where he could be furnished with a
fresh supply; and this answer was no sooner made, than the
other taking him by the hand, 'My dear friend,' said he, 'I
am not unacquainted with your affairs, and would have
offered you my credit long ago, if I had thought it would be
acceptable; even now, I do not pretend to give you money,
but desire and insist upon it, that you will accept of the
loan of these two pieces of paper, to be repaid when you
marry a woman with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, or
obtain an employment of a thousand a year.' So saying, he
presented him with two actions of above two thousand livres
each.
"M— was astonished at this unexpected instance of
generosity, in a stranger, and, with suitable
acknowledgment, peremptorily refused to incur such an
obligation; but at length he was, by dint of importunity and
warm expostulation, prevailed upon to accept one of the
actions, on condition that the gentleman would take his note
for the sum; and this he absolutely rejected, until M—
promised to draw upon him for double the value or more, in
case he should at any time want a further supply. This
uncommon act of friendship and generosity, afterwards had an
opportunity to repay tenfold, though he could not help
regretting the occasion, on his friend's account. That
worthy man having, by placing too much confidence in a
villainous lawyer, and a chain of other misfortunes,
involved himself and his amiable lady in a labyrinth of
difficulties, which threatened the total ruin of his family,
M— felt the inexpressible satisfaction of delivering his
benefactor from the snare.
"Being thus reinforced by the generosity of his friend,
M— resolved to execute his former plan of seeing the south
of France, together with the sea-ports of Spain, as far as
Cadiz, from whence he proposed to take a passage for London
by sea; and, with this view, sent forward his trunks by the
diligence to Lyons, determined to ride post, in order to
enjoy a better view of the country, and for the conveniency
of stopping at those places where there was anything
remarkable to be seen or inquired into. While he was
employed in taking leave of his Parisian friends, who
furnished him with abundant recommendation, a gentleman of
his own country, who spoke little or no French, hearing of
his intention, begged the favour of accompanying him in his
expedition. With this new companion, therefore, he set out
for Lyons, where he was perfectly well received by the
intendant and some of the best families of the place, in
consequence of his letters of recommendation; and, after a
short stay in that city, proceeded down the Rhone to
Avignon, in what is called the coche d'eau; then visiting
the principal towns of Dauphiny, Languedoc, and Provence, he
returned to the delightful city of Marseilles, where he and
his fellow-traveller were so much captivated by the serenity
of the air, the good-nature and hospitality of the sprightly
inhabitants, that they never dreamed of changing their
quarters during the whole winter and part of the spring:
here he acquired the acquaintance of the Marquis d'Argens,
attorney-general in the parliament of Aix, and of his eldest
son, who now makes so great a figure in the literary world;
and when the affair of Father Girard and Mademoiselle
Cadiere began to make a noise, he accompanied these two
gentlemen to Toulon, where the marquis was ordered to take a
precognition of the facts.
"On his return to Marseilles, he found a certain noble
lord of great fortune, under the direction of a Swiss
governor, who had accommodated him with two of his own
relations, of the same country, by way of companions,
together with five servants in his train. They being
absolute strangers in the place, M—introduced them to the
intendant, and several other good families, and had the good
fortune to be so agreeable to his lordship, that he proposed
and even pressed him to live with him in England as a friend
and companion, and to take upon him the superintendence of
his affairs, in which case he would settle upon him four
hundred a year for life.
"This proposal was too advantageous to be slighted by a
person of no fortune, or fixed establishment: he therefore
made no difficulty of closing with it; but, as his
lordship's departure was fixed to a short day, and he urged
him to accompany him to Paris, and from thence to England,
M— thought it would be improper and indecent to interfere
with the office of his governor, who might take umbrage at
his favour, and therefore excused himself from a compliance
with his lordship's request, until his minority should be
expired, as he was within a few months of being of age.
However, he repeated his importunities so earnestly, and the
governor joined in the request with such appearance of
cordiality, that he was prevailed upon to comply with their
joint desire; and in a few days set out with them for Paris,
by the way of Lyons. But, before they had been three days in
the city, M— perceived a total change in the behaviour of
the Swiss and his two relations, who, in all probability,
became jealous of his influence with his lordship; and he no
sooner made this discovery, than he resolved to withdraw
himself from such a disagreeable participation of that young
nobleman's favour. He, therefore, in spite of all his
lordship's entreaties and remonstrances, quitted him for the
present, alleging, as a pretext, that he had a longing
desire to see Switzerland and the banks of the Rhine, and
promising to meet him again in England.
"This his intention being made known to the governor and
his friends, their countenances immediately cleared up,
their courtesy and complaisance returned, and they even
furnished him with letters for Geneva, Lausanne, Bern, and
Soleures; in consequence of which he met with unusual
civilities at these places. Having made this tour with his
Scotch friend, who came up to him before he left Lyons, and
visited the most considerable towns on both sides of the
Rhine, and the courts of the electors Palatine, Mentz, and
Cologne, he arrived in Holland; and from thence, through the
Netherlands, repaired to London, where he found my lord just
returned from Paris.
"His lordship received him with expressions of uncommon
joy, would not suffer him to stir from him for several days,
and introduced him to his relations. M— accompanied his
lordship from London to his country seat, where he was
indeed treated with great friendship and confidence, and
consulted in everything; but the noble peer never once made
mention of the annuity which he had promised to settle upon
him, nor did M— remind him of it, because he conceived it
was his affair to fulfil his engagements of his own accord.
M— being tired of the manner of living at this place, made
an excursion to Bath, where he stayed about a fortnight, to
partake of the diversions, and, upon his return, found his
lordship making dispositions for another journey to Paris.
"Surprised at this sudden resolution, he endeavoured to
dissuade him from it; but his remonstrances were rendered
ineffectual by the insinuations of a foreigner who had come
over with him, and filled his imagination with extravagant
notions of pleasure, infinitely superior to any which he
could enjoy while he was in the trammels and under the
restraints of a governor. He, therefore, turned a deaf ear
to all M—'s arguments, and entreated him to accompany him in
the journey; but this gentleman, foreseeing that a young
man, like my lord, of strong passions, and easy to be
misled, would, in all probability, squander away great sums
of money, in a way that would neither do credit to himself,
or to those who were concerned with him, resisted all his
solicitations, on pretence of having business of consequence
at London; and afterwards had reason to be extremely well
pleased with his own conduct in this particular.
"Before he set out on this expedition, M—, in justice to
himself, reminded him of the proposal which he had made to
him at Marseilles, desiring to know if he had altered his
design in that particular; in which case he would turn his
thoughts some other way, as he would not in the least be
thought to intrude or pin himself upon any man. My lord
protested in the most solemn manner, that he still continued
in his former resolution, and, again beseeching him to bear
him company into France, promised that everything should be
settled to his satisfaction upon their return to England.
M—, however, still persisted in his refusal, for the
above-mentioned reasons, and, though he never heard more of
the annuity, he nevertheless continued to serve his lordship
with his advice and good offices ever after; particularly in
directing his choice to an alliance with a lady of eminent
virtue, the daughter of a noble lord, more conspicuous for
his shining parts than the splendour of his titles; a
circumstance upon which he always reflected with particular
satisfaction, as well on account of the extraordinary merit
of the lady, as because it vested in her children a
considerable part of that great estate, which of right
belonged to her grandmother, and afterwards put him in a way
to retrieve his estate from a heavy load of debt he had
contracted. When my lord set out on his Paris expedition,
the money M— had received from his generous friend at Paris
was almost reduced to the last guinea. He had not yet reaped
the least benefit from his engagements with his lordship;
and, disdaining to ask for a supply from him, he knew not
how to subsist, with any degree of credit, till his return.
"This uncomfortable prospect was the more disagreeable to
him, as, at that time of life, he was much inclined to
appear in the gay world, had contracted a taste for plays,
operas, and other public diversions, and acquired an
acquaintance with many people of good fashion, which could
not be maintained without a considerable expense. In this
emergency, he thought he could not employ his idle time more
profitably than in translating, from foreign languages, such
books as were then chiefly in vogue; and upon application to
a friend, who was a man of letters, he was furnished with as
much business of that kind as he could possibly manage, and
wrote some pamphlets on the reigning controversies of that
time, that had the good fortune to please. He was also
concerned in a monthly journal of literature, and the work
was carried on by the two friends jointly, though M— did not
at all appear in the partnership. By these means he not only
spent his mornings in useful exercise but supplied himself
with money for what the French call the menus plaisirs,
during the whole summer. He frequented all the assemblies in
and about London, and considerably enlarged his acquaintance
among the fair sex.
"He had, upon his first arrival in England, become
acquainted with a lady at an assembly not far from London;
and though, at that time, he had no thoughts of extending
his views farther than the usual gallantry of the place, he
met with such distinguishing marks of her regard in the
sequel, and was so particularly encouraged by the advice of
another lady, with whom he had been intimate in France, and
who was now of their parties, that he could not help
entertaining hopes of making an impression upon the heart of
his agreeable partner, who was a young lady of an ample
fortune and great expectations. He therefore cultivated her
good graces with all the assiduity and address of which he
was master, and succeeded so well in his endeavours, that,
after a due course of attendance, and the death of an aunt,
by which she received an accession of fortune to the amount
of three and twenty thousand pounds, he ventured to declare
his passion, and she not only heard him with patience and
approbation, but also replied in terms adequate to his
warmest wish.
"Finding himself so favourably received, he pressed her
to secure his happiness by marriage; but, to this proposal,
she objected the recency of her kinswoman's death, which
would have rendered such a step highly indecent, and the
displeasure of her other relations, from whom she had still
greater expectations, and who, at that time, importuned her
to marry a cousin of her own, whom she could not like.
However, that M— might have no cause to repine at her delay,
she freely entered with him into an intimacy of
correspondence; during which nothing could have added to
their mutual felicity, which was the more poignant and
refined, from the mysterious and romantic manner of their
enjoying it; for, though he publicly visited her as an
acquaintance, his behaviour on these occasions was always so
distant, respectful, and reserved, that the rest of the
company could not possibly suspect the nature of their
reciprocal attachment; in consequence of which they used to
have private interviews, unknown to every soul upon earth,
except her maid, who was necessarily entrusted with the
secret.
"In this manner they enjoyed the conversation of each
other for above twelve months, without the least
interruption; and though the stability of Mr. M—'s fortune
depended entirely upon their marriage, yet as he perceived
his mistress so averse to it, he never urged it with
vehemence, nor was at all anxious on that score, being
easily induced to defer a ceremony, which, as he then
thought, could in no shape have added to their satisfaction,
though he hath since altered his sentiments. Be that as it
will, his indulgent mistress, in order to set his mind at
ease in that particular, and in full confidence of his
honour, insisted on his accepting a deed of gift of her
whole fortune, in consideration of her intended marriage;
and, after some difficulty, he was prevailed upon to receive
this proof of her esteem, well knowing that it would still
be in his power to return the obligation. Though she often
entreated him to take upon himself the entire administration
of her finances, and upon divers occasions pressed him to
accept of large sums, he never once abused her generous
disposition, or solicited her for money, except for some
humane purpose, which she was always more ready to fulfil
than he to propose.
"In the course of this correspondence, he became
acquainted with some of her female relations, and, among the
rest, with a young lady, so eminently adorned with all the
qualifications of mind and person, that, notwithstanding all
his philosophy and caution, he could not behold and converse
with her, without being deeply smitten with her charms. He
did all in his power to discourage this dangerous invasion
in the beginning, and to conceal the least symptom of it
from her relation; he summoned all his reflection to his
aid, and, thinking it would be base and dishonest to cherish
any sentiment repugnant to the affection which he owed to a
mistress who had placed such unlimited confidence in him, he
attempted to stifle the infant flame, by avoiding the
amiable inspirer of it. But the passion had taken too deep a
root in his heart to be so easily extirpated; his absence
from the dear object increased the impatience of his love:
the intestine conflict between that and gratitude deprived
him of his rest and appetite. He was, in a short time,
emaciated by continual watching, anxiety, and want of
nourishment, and so much altered from his usual
cheerfulness, that his mistress, being surprised and alarmed
at the change, which, from the symptoms, she judged was
owing to some uneasiness of mind, took all imaginable pains
to discover the cause. In all probability it did not escape
her penetration; for she more than once asked if he was in
love with her cousin; protesting that, far from being an
obstacle to his happiness, she would, in that case, be an
advocate for his passion. However, this declaration was
never made without manifest signs of anxiety and uneasiness,
which made such an impression upon the heart of M—, that he
resolved to sacrifice his happiness, and even his life,
rather than take any step which might be construed into an
injury or insult to a person who had treated him with such
generosity and goodness.
"In consequence of this resolution, he formed another,
which was to go abroad, under pretence of recovering his
health, but in reality to avoid the temptation, as well as
the suspicion of being inconstant; and in this design he was
confirmed by his physician, who actually thought him in the
first stage of a consumption, and therefore advised him to
repair to the south of France. He communicated his design,
with the doctor's opinion, to the lady, who agreed to it
with much less difficulty than he found in conquering his
own reluctance at parting with the dear object of his love.
The consent of his generous mistress being obtained, he
waited upon her with the instrument whereby she had made the
conveyance of her fortune to him; and all his remonstrances
being insufficient to persuade her to take it back, he
cancelled it in her presence, and placed it in that state
upon her toilet, while she was dressing; whereupon she shed
a torrent of tears, saying, she now plainly perceived that
he wanted to tear himself from her, and that his affections
were settled upon another. He was sensibly affected by this
proof of her concern, and endeavoured to calm the
perturbation of her mind, by vowing eternal fidelity, and
pressing her to accept of his hand in due form before his
departure. By these means her transports were quieted for
the present, and the marriage deferred for the same
prudential reasons which had hitherto prevented it.
"Matters being thus compromised, and the day fixed for
his departure, she, together with her faithful maid, one
morning visited him for the first time at his own lodgings;
and, after breakfast, desiring to speak with him in private,
he conducted her into another room, where assuming an
unusual gravity of aspect, 'My dear M—,' said she, 'you are
now going to leave me, and God alone knows if ever we shall
meet again; therefore, if you really love me with that
tenderness which you profess, you will accept of this mark
of my friendship and unalterable affection; it will at least
be a provision for your journey, and if an accident should
befall me, before I have the happiness of receiving you
again into my arms, I shall have the satisfaction of knowing
that you are not altogether without resource.' So saying,
she put an embroidered pocket-book into his hand. He
expressed the high sense he had of her generosity and
affection in the most pathetic terms, and begged leave to
suspend his acceptance, until he should know the contents of
her present, which was so extraordinary, that he absolutely
refused to receive it. He was, however, by her repeated
entreaties, in a manner compelled to receive about one-half,
and she afterwards insisted upon his taking a reinforcement
of a considerable sum for the expense of his journey.
"Having stayed with her ten days beyond the time he had
fixed for his departure, and settled the method of their
correspondence, he took his leave, with a heart full of
sorrow, anxiety, and distraction, produced from the
different suggestions of his duty and love. He then set out
for France, and, after a short stay at Paris, proceeded to
Aix in Provence, and from thence to Marseilles, at which two
places he continued for some months. But nothing he met with
being able to dissipate those melancholy ideas which still
preyed upon his imagination, and affected his spirits, he
endeavoured to elude them with a succession of new objects;
and, with that view, persuaded a counsellor of the
parliament of Aix, a man of great worth, learning, and
good-humour, to accompany him in making a tour of those
parts of France which he had not yet seen. On their return
from this excursion, they found at Aix an Italian abbe, a
person of character, and great knowledge of men and books,
who, having travelled all over Germany and France, was so
far on his return to his own country.
"M— having, by means of his friend the counsellor,
contracted an acquaintance with this gentleman, and, being
desirous of seeing some parts of Italy, particularly the
carnival at Venice, they set out together from Marseilles in
a tartan for Genoa, coasting it all the way, and lying on
shore every night. Having shown him what was most remarkable
in this city, his friend the abbe was so obliging as to
conduct him through Tuscany, and the most remarkable cities
in Lombardy, to Venice, where M— insisted upon defraying the
expense of the whole tour, in consideration of the abbe's
complaisance, which had been of infinite service to him in
the course of this expedition. Having remained five weeks at
Venice, he was preparing to set out for Rome, with some
English gentlemen whom he had met by accident, when he was
all of a sudden obliged to change his resolution by some
disagreeable letters which he received from London. He had,
from his first departure, corresponded with his generous,
though inconstant mistress, with a religious exactness and
punctuality; nor was she, for some time, less observant of
the agreement they had made. Nevertheless, she, by degrees,
became so negligent and cold in her expression, and so slack
in her correspondence, that he could not help observing and
upbraiding her with such indifference; and her endeavours to
palliate it were supported by pretexts so frivolous, as to
be easily seen through by a lover of very little
discernment.
"While he tortured himself with conjectures about the
cause of this unexpected change, he received such
intelligence from England, as, when joined with what he
himself had perceived by her manner of writing, left him
little or no room to doubt of her fickleness and
inconstancy. Nevertheless, as he knew by experience that
informations of that kind are not to be entirely relied
upon, he resolved to be more certainly apprised: and, for
that end, departed immediately for London, by the way of
Tyrol, Bavaria, Alsace, and Paris. On his arrival in
England, he learned, with infinite concern, that his
intelligence had not been at all exaggerated; and his sorrow
was inexpressible to find a person endowed with so many
other noble and amiable qualities, seduced into an
indiscretion, that of necessity ruined the whole plan which
had been concerted between them for their mutual happiness.
She made several attempts, by letters and interviews, to
palliate her conduct, and soften him into a reconciliation;
but his honour being concerned, he remained deaf to all her
entreaties and proposals. Nevertheless, I have often heard
him say, that he could not help loving her, and revering the
memory of a person to whose generosity and goodness he owed
his fortune, and one whose foibles were overbalanced by a
thousand good qualities. He often insisted on making
restitution; but far from complying with that proposal, she
afterwards often endeavoured to lay him under yet greater
obligations of the same kind, and importuned him with the
warmest solicitations to renew their former correspondence,
which he as often declined.
"M— took this instance of the inconstancy of the sex so
much to heart, that he had almost resolved for the future to
keep clear of all engagements for life, and returned to
Paris, in order to dissipate his anxiety, where he hired an
apartment in one of the academies, in the exercises whereof
he took singular delight. During his residence at this
place, he had the good fortune to ingratiate himself with a
great general, a descendant of one of the most ancient and
illustrious families in France; having attracted his notice
by some remarks he had written on Folard's Polybius, which
were accidentally shown to that great man by one of his
aides-de-camp, who was a particular friend of M—. The favour
he had thus acquired was strengthened by his assiduities and
attention. Upon his return to London, he sent some of
Handel's newest compositions to the prince, who was
particularly fond of that gentleman's productions, together
with Clark's edition of Caesar; and, in the spring of the
same year, before the French army took the field, he was
honoured with a most obliging letter from the prince,
inviting him to come over, if he wanted to see the
operations of the campaign, and desiring he would give
himself no trouble about his equipage.
"M— having still some remains of a military disposition,
and this to be a more favourable opportunity than any he
should ever meet with again, readily embraced the offer, and
sacrificed the soft delights of love, which at that time he
enjoyed without control, to an eager, laborious, and
dangerous curiosity. In that and the following campaign,
during which he was present at the siege of Philipsburgh,
and several other actions, he enlarged his acquaintance
among the French officers, especially those of the graver
sort, who had a taste for books and literature; and the
friendship and interest of those gentlemen were afterwards
of singular service to him, though in an affair altogether
foreign from their profession. He had all along made
diligent inquiry into the trade and manufactures of the
countries through which he had occasion to travel, more
particularly those of Holland, England, and France; and, as
he was well acquainted with the revenue and farms of this
last kingdom, he saw with concern the great disadvantages
under which our tobacco trade, the most considerable branch
of our commerce with that people, was carried on; what
inconsiderable returns were made to the planters, out of the
low price given by the French company; and how much it was
in the power of that company to reduce it still lower. M—
had formed a scheme to remedy this evil, so far as it
related to the national loss or gain, by not permitting the
duty of one penny in the pound, old subsidy, to be drawn
back, on tobacco, re-exported. He demonstrated to the
ministry of that time, that so inconsiderable a duty could
not in the least diminish the demand from abroad, which was
the only circumstance to be apprehended, and that the yearly
produce of that revenue would amount to one hundred and
twenty thousand pounds, without one shilling additional
expense to the public; but the ministry having the excise
scheme then in contemplation, could think of no other till
that should be tried; and that project having miscarried, he
renewed his application, when they approved of his scheme in
every particular, but discovered a surprising backwardness
to carry it into execution.
"His expectations in this quarter being disappointed, he,
by the interposition of his friends, presented a plan to the
French company, in which he set forth the advantages that
would accrue to themselves from fixing the price, and
securing that sort of tobacco which best suited the taste of
the public and their manufacture; and finally proposed to
furnish them with any quantity, at the price which they paid
in the port of London.
"After some dispute, they agreed to this proposal, and
contracted with him for fifteen thousand hogsheads a year,
for which they obliged themselves to pay ready money, on its
arrival in any one or more convenient ports in the south or
western coasts of Great Britain that he should please to fix
upon for that purpose. M— no sooner obtained this contract,
than he immediately set out for America, in order to put it
in execution; and, by way of companion, carried with him a
little French abbe, a man of humour, wit, and learning, with
whom he had been long acquainted, and for whom he had done
many good offices.
"On his arrival in Virginia, which opportunely happened
at a time when all the gentlemen were assembled in the
capital of that province, he published a memorial,
representing the disadvantages under which their trade was
carried on, the true method of redressing their own
grievances in that respect, and proposing to contract with
them for the yearly quantity of fifteen thousand hogsheads
of such tobacco as was fit for the French market, at the
price which he demonstrated to be considerably greater than
that which they had formerly received. This remonstrance met
with all the success and encouragement he could expect. The
principal planters, seeing their own interest concerned,
readily assented to the proposal, which, through their
influence, was also relished by the rest; and the only
difficulty that remained, related to the security for
payment of the bills on the arrival of the tobacco in
England, and to the time stipulated for the continuance of
the contract.
"In order to remove these objections, Mr. M— returned to
Europe, and found the French company of farmers disposed to
agree to everything he desired for facilitating the
execution of the contract, and perfectly well pleased with
the sample which he had already sent; but his good friend
the abbe, whom he had left behind him in America, by an
unparalleled piece of treachery, found means to overturn the
whole project. He secretly wrote a memorial to the company,
importing, that he found, by experience, M— could afford to
furnish them at a much lower price than that which they had
agreed to give; and that, by being in possession of the
contract for five years, as was intended according to the
proposal, he would have the company so much in his power,
that they must afterwards submit to any price he should
please to impose; and that, if they thought him worth of
such a trust, he would undertake to furnish them at an
easier rate, in conjunction with some of the leading men in
Virginia and Maryland, with whom, he said, he had already
concerted measures for that purpose.
"The company were so much alarmed at these insinuations,
that they declined complying with Mr. M—'s demands until the
abbe's return; and, though they afterwards used all their
endeavours to persuade him to be concerned with that little
traitor in his undertaking, by which he might still have
been a very considerable gainer, he resisted all their
solicitations, and plainly told them, in the abbe's
presence, that he would never prostitute his own principles
so far, as to enter into engagements of any kind with a
person of his character, much less in a scheme that had a
manifest tendency to lower the market price of tobacco in
England.
"Thus ended a project the most extensive, simple, and
easy, and, as appeared by the trial made, the best
calculated to raise an immense fortune of any that was ever
undertaken or planned by a private person; a project, in the
execution of which M— had the good of the public, and the
glory of putting in a flourishing condition the valuable
branch of our trade which gives employment to two great
provinces and above two hundred sail of ships, much more at
heart than his own private interest. It was reasonable to
expect, that a man whose debts M— had paid more than once,
whom he had obliged in many other respects, and whom he had
carried with him at a very considerable expense, on this
expedition, merely with a view of bettering his fortune,
would have acted with common honesty, if not with gratitude;
but such was the depravity of this little monster's heart,
that, on his deathbed, he left a considerable fortune to
mere strangers, with whom he had little or no connection,
without the least thought of refunding the money advanced
for him by M—, in order to prevent his rotting in a jail.
"When M— had once obtained a command of money, he, by his
knowledge in several branches of trade, as well as by the
assistance of some intelligent friends at Paris and London,
found means to employ it to very good purpose; and had he
been a man of that selfish disposition, which too much
prevails in the world, he might have been at this day master
of a very ample fortune; but his ear was never deaf to the
voice of distress, nor his beneficent heart shut against the
calamities of his fellow-creatures. He was even ingenious in
contriving the most delicate methods of relieving modest
indigence, and, by his industrious benevolence, often
anticipated the requests of misery.
"I could relate a number of examples to illustrate my
assertions, in some of which you would perceive the most
disinterested generosity; but such a detail would trespass
too much upon your time, and I do not pretend to dwell upon
every minute circumstance of his conduct. Let it suffice to
say, that, upon the declaration of war in Spain, he gave up
all his commercial schemes, and called in his money from all
quarters, with a view of sitting down, for the rest of his
life, contented with what he had got, and restraining his
liberalities to what he could spare from his yearly income.
This was a very prudential resolution, could he have kept
it; but, upon the breaking out of the war, he could not
without concern see many gentlemen of merit, who had been
recommended to him, disappointed of commissions, merely for
want of money to satisfy the expectations of the
commission-brokers of that time; and therefore launched out
considerable sums for them on their bare notes, great part
whereof was lost by the death of some in the unfortunate
expedition to the West Indies. He at length, after many
other actions of the like nature, from motives of pure
humanity, love of justice, and abhorrence of oppression,
embarked in a cause, every way the most important that ever
came under the discussion of the courts of law in these
kingdoms; whether it be considered in relation to the
extraordinary nature of the case, or the immense property of
no less than fifty thousand pounds a year, and three
peerages that depended upon it.
"In the year 1740, the brave admiral who at that time
commanded his majesty's fleet in the West Indies, among the
other transactions of his squadron transmitted to the duke
of Newcastle, mentioned a young man, who, though in the
capacity of a common sailor on board one of the ships under
his command, laid claim to the estate and titles of the earl
of A—. These pretensions were no sooner communicated in the
public papers, than they became the subject of conversation
in all companies; and the person whom they chiefly affected,
being alarmed at the appearance of a competitor, though at
such a distance, began to put himself in motion, and take
all the precautions which he thought necessary to defeat the
endeavour of the young upstart. Indeed, the early
intelligence he received of Mr. A—'s making himself known in
the West Indies, furnished him with numberless advantages
over that unhappy young gentleman; for, being in possession
of a splendid fortune, and lord of many manors in the
neighbourhood of the very place where the claimant was born,
he knew all the witnesses who could give the most material
evidence of his legitimacy; and, if his probity did not
restrain him, had, by his power and influence, sufficient
opportunity and means of applying to the passions and
interests of the witnesses, to silence many, and gain over
others to his side; while his competitor, by an absence of
fifteen or sixteen years from his native country, the want
of education and friends, together with his present helpless
situation, was rendered absolutely incapable of taking any
step for his own advantage. And although his worthy uncle's
conspicuous virtue, and religious regard for justice and
truth, might possibly be an unconquerable restraint to his
taking any undue advantages, yet the consciences of that
huge army of emissaries he kept in pay were not altogether
so very tender and scrupulous. This much, however, may be
said, without derogation from, or impeachment of, the noble
earl's nice virtue and honour, that he took care to
compromise all differences with the other branches of the
family, whose interests were, in this affair, connected with
his own, by sharing the estate with them, and also retained
most of the eminent counsel within the bar of both kingdoms
against this formidable bastard, before any suit was
instituted by him.
"While he was thus entrenching himself against the attack
of a poor forlorn youth, at the distance of fifteen hundred
leagues, continually exposed to the dangers of the sea, the
war, and an unhealthy climate, Mr. M—, in the common course
of conversation, chanced to ask some questions relating to
this romantic pretender, of one H—, who was at that time the
present Lord A—'s chief agent. This man, when pressed, could
not help owning that the late Lord A— actually left a son,
who had been spirited away into America soon after his
father's death, but said he did not know whether this was
the same person. This information could not fail to make an
impression on the humanity of Mr. M—, who, being acquainted
with the genius of the wicked party who had possessed
themselves of this unhappy young man's estate and honours,
expressed no small anxiety and apprehension lest they should
take him off by some means or other; and, even then, seemed
disposed to contribute towards the support of the friendless
orphan, and to inquire more circumstantially into the nature
of his claim. In the meantime his occasions called him to
France, and during his absence Mr. A— arrived in London in
the month of October, 174l."
Here the clergyman was interrupted by Peregrine, who said
there was something so extraordinary, not to call it
improbable, in the account he had heard of the young
gentleman's being sent into exile, that he would look upon
himself as infinitely obliged to the doctor, if he would
favour him with a true representation of that transaction,
as well as of the manner in which he arrived and was known
at the Island of Jamaica.
The parson, in compliance with our hero's request, taking
up the story from the beginning, "Mr. A—," said he, "is the
son of Arthur, late lord baron of A—, by his wife Mary S—,
natural daughter to John, duke of B— and N—, whom he
publicly married on the 21st day of July, 1706, contrary to
the inclination of his mother, and all his other relations,
particularly of Arthur, late earl of A—, who bore an
implacable enmity to the duke her father, and, for that
reason, did all that lay in his power to traverse the
marriage; but, finding his endeavours ineffectual, he was so
much offended, that he would never be perfectly reconciled
to Lord A—, though he was his presumptive heir. After their
nuptials, they cohabited together in England for the space
of two or three years, during which she miscarried more than
once; and he being a man of levity, and an extravagant
disposition, not only squandered away all that he had
received of his wife's fortune, but also contracted many
considerable debts, which obliged him to make a precipitate
retreat into Ireland, leaving his lady behind him in the
house with his mother and sister, who, having also been
averse to the match, had always looked upon her with eyes of
disgust.
"It was not likely that harmony should long subsist in
this family, especially as Lady A— was a woman of a lofty
spirit, who could not tamely bear insults and ill-usage from
persons who, she had reason to believe, were her enemies at
heart. Accordingly, a misunderstanding soon happened among
them, which was fomented by the malice of one of her
sisters-in-law. Divers scandalous reports of her misconduct,
to which the empty pretensions of a vain wretched coxcomb,
who was made use of as an infamous tool for that purpose,
gave a colourable pretext, were trumped up, and transmitted,
with many false and aggravating circumstances, to her
husband in Ireland; who, being a giddy, unthinking man, was
so much incensed at these insinuations, that, in the first
transports of his passion, he sent to his mother a power of
attorney, that she might sue for a divorce in his behalf. A
libel was thereupon exhibited, containing many scandalous
allegations, void of any real foundation in truth; but being
unsupported by any manner of proof, it was at length
dismissed with costs, after it had depended upwards of two
years.
"Lord A— finding himself abused by the misrepresentations
of his mother and sister, discovered an inclination to be
reconciled to his lady. In consequence of which, she was
sent over to Dublin by her father, to the care of a
gentleman in that city; in whose house she was received by
her husband with all the demonstrations of love and esteem.
From thence he conducted her to his lodgings, and thence to
his country house, where she had the misfortune to suffer a
miscarriage, through fear and resentment of my lord's
behaviour, which was often brutal and indecent. From the
country they removed to Dublin, about the latter end of
July, or beginning of August, 1714, where they had not long
continued, when her ladyship was known to be again with
child.
"Lord A— and his issue being next in remainder to the
honours and estate of Arthur, earl of A—, was extremely
solicitous to have a son; and, warned by the frequent
miscarriages of his lady, resolved to curb the natural
impatience and rusticity of his disposition, that she might
not, as formerly, suffer by his outrageous conduct. He
accordingly cherished her with uncommon tenderness and care;
and her pregnancy being pretty far advanced, conducted her
to his country seat, where she was delivered of Mr. A—,
about the latter end of April, or beginning of May; for none
of the witnesses have been able, at this distance, with
absolute certainty to fix the precise time of his birth, and
there was no register kept in the parish. As an additional
misfortune, no gentleman of fashion lived in that parish;
nor did those who lived at any considerable distance care to
cultivate an acquaintance with a man of Lord A—'s strange
conduct.
"Be that as it will, the occasion was celebrated by his
lordship's tenants and dependents upon the spot, and in the
neighbouring town of New-R—, by bonfires, illuminations, and
other rejoicings; which have made such an impression upon
the minds of the people, that in the place where they
happened, and the contiguous parishes, several hundred
persons have already declared their knowledge and
remembrance of this event, in spite of the great power of
the claimant's adversary in that quarter, and the great
pains and indirect methods taken by his numberless agents
and emissaries, as well as by those who are interested with
him in the event of the suit, to corrupt and suppress the
evidence.
"Lord A—, after the birth of his son, who was sent to
nurse in the neighbourhood, according to the custom of the
country, where people of the highest distinction put their
children out to nurse into farmhouses and cabins, lived in
harmony with his lady for the space of two years. But
having, by his folly and extravagance, reduced himself to
great difficulties, he demanded the remainder of her fortune
from her father, the duke of B—, who absolutely refused to
part with a shilling until a proper settlement should be
made on his daughter, which, by that time, he had put out of
his own power to make, by his folly and extravagance.
"As her ladyship, by her endeavours to reform the economy
of her house, had incurred the displeasure of some idle
profligate fellows, who had fastened themselves upon her
husband, and helped to consume his substance, they seized
this opportunity of the duke's refusal; and, in order to be
revenged upon the innocent lady, persuaded Lord A—, that the
only means of extracting money from his grace, would be to
turn her away, on pretence of infidelity to his bed, for
which they hinted there was but too much foundation. At
their suggestions, a most infamous plan was projected; in
the execution of which, one P—, a poor, unbred, simple
country booby, whom they had decoyed into a snare, lost one
of his ears, and the injured lady retired that same day to
New-R—, where she continued several years. She did not,
however, leave the house, without struggling hard to carry
her child along with her; but far from enjoying such
indulgence, strict orders were given, that the boy should
not, for the future, be brought within her sight. This base,
inhuman treatment, instead of answering the end proposed,
produced such a contrary effect, that the duke of B—, by a
codicil to his will, in which he reflects upon Lord A—'s
evil temper, directed his executors to pay to his daughter
an annuity of one hundred pounds, while her lord and she
should continue to live separate; and this allowance was to
cease on Lord A—'s death.
"While she remained in this solitary situation, the child
was universally known and received as the legitimate son and
heir of her lord, whose affection for the boy was so
conspicuous, that, in the midst of his own necessities, he
never failed to maintain him in the dress and equipage of a
young nobleman. In the course of his infancy, his father
having often changed his place of residence, the child was
put under the instructions of a great many different
schoolmasters, so that he was perfectly well known in a
great many different parts of the kingdom; and his mother
seized all opportunities, which were but rare, on account of
his father's orders to the contrary, of seeing and giving
him proofs of her maternal tenderness, until she set out for
England, after having been long in a declining state of
health, by a paralytical disorder; upon the consequence of
which, such dependence was placed by her inconsiderate
husband, who was by this time reduced to extreme poverty,
that he actually married a woman whom he had long kept as a
mistress. This creature no sooner understood that Lady A—
was departed from Ireland, than she openly avowed her
marriage, and went about publicly with Lord A—, visiting his
acquaintances in the character of his wife.
"From this era may be dated the beginning of Mr. A—'s
misfortune. This artful woman, who had formerly treated the
child with an appearance of fondness, in order to ingratiate
herself with the father, now looking upon herself as
sufficiently established in the family, thought it was high
time to alter her behaviour with regard to the unfortunate
boy; and accordingly, for obvious reasons, employed a
thousand artifices to alienate the heart of the weak father
from his unhappy offspring. Yet, notwithstanding all her
insinuations, nature still maintained her influence in his
heart; and though she often found means to irritate him by
artful and malicious accusations, his resentment never
extended farther than fatherly correction. She would have
found it impossible to accomplish his ruin, had not her
efforts been reinforced by a new auxiliary, who was no other
than his uncle, the present usurper of his title and estate;
yet even this confederacy was overawed, in some measure, by
the fear of alarming the unfortunate mother, until her
distemper increased to a most deplorable degree of the dead
palsy, and the death of her father had reduced her to a most
forlorn and abject state of distress. Then they ventured
upon the execution of their projects; and, though their aims
were widely different, concurred in their endeavours to
remove the hapless boy, as the common obstacle to both.
"Lord A— who, as I have already observed, was a man of
weak intellects, and utterly void of any fixed principle of
action, being by this time reduced to such a pitch of
misery, that he was often obliged to pawn his wearing
apparel in order to procure the common necessaries of life;
and having no other fund remaining, with which he could
relieve his present necessities, except a sale of the
reversion of the A— estate, to which the nonage of his son
was an effectual bar, he was advised by his virtuous
brother, and the rest of his counsellors, to surmount this
difficulty, by secreting his son, and spreading a report of
his death. This honest project he the more readily embraced,
because he knew that no act of his could frustrate the
child's succession. Accordingly, the boy was removed from
the school at which he was then boarded, to the house of one
K—, an agent and accomplice of the present earl of A—, where
he was kept for several months closely confined; and, in the
meantime, it was industriously reported that he was dead.
"This previous measure being taken, Lord A— published
advertisements in the gazettes, offering reversions of the
A— estate to sale; and emissaries of various kinds were
employed to inveigle such as were ignorant of the nature of
the settlement of these estates, or strangers to the affairs
of his family. Some people, imposed upon by the report of
the child's death, were drawn in to purchase, thinking
themselves safe in the concurrence of his lordship's
brother, upon presumption that he was next in remainder to
the succession; others, tempted by the smallness of the
price, which rarely exceeded half a year's purchase, as
appears by many deeds, though they doubted the truth of the
boy's being dead, ran small risks, on the contingency of his
dying before he should be of age, or in hopes of his being
prevailed upon to confirm the grants of his father; and many
more were treating with him on the same notions, when their
transactions were suddenly interrupted, and the scheme of
raising more money for the present, defeated by the
unexpected appearance of the boy, who, being naturally
sprightly and impatient of restraint, had found means to
break from his confinement, and wandered up and down the
streets of Dublin, avoiding his father's house, and choosing
to encounter all sorts of distress, rather than subject
himself again to the cruelty and malice of the woman who
supplied his mother's place. Thus debarred his father's
protection, and destitute of any fixed habitation, he herded
with all the loose, idle, and disorderly youths in Dublin,
skulking chiefly about the college, several members and
students of which, taking pity on his misfortunes, supplied
him at different times with clothes and money. In this
unsettled and uncomfortable way of life did he remain, from
the year 1725 to the latter end of November, 1727; at which
time his father died, so miserably poor, that he was
actually buried at the public expense.
"This unfortunate nobleman was no sooner dead, than his
brother Richard, now earl of A—, taking advantage of the
nonage and helpless situation of his nephew, seized upon all
the papers of the defunct, and afterwards usurped the title
of Lord A—, to the surprise of the servants, and others who
were acquainted with the affairs of the family. This
usurpation, bold as it was, produced no other effect than
that of his being insulted by the populace as he went
through the streets, and the refusal of the king-at-arms to
enrol the certificate of his brother's having died without
issue. The first of these inconveniences he bore without any
sense of shame, though not without repining, conscious that
it would gradually vanish with the novelty of his invasion;
and as to the last, he conquered it by means well known and
obvious.
"Nor will it seem strange, that he should thus invade the
rights of an orphan with impunity, if people will consider,
that the late Lord A— had not only squandered away his
fortune with the most ridiculous extravagance, but also
associated himself with low company, so that he was little
known, and less regarded, by persons of any rank and figure
in life; and his child, of consequence, debarred of the
advantages which might have accrued from valuable
connections. And though it was universally known, that Lady
A— had a son in Ireland, such was the obscurity in which the
father had lived, during the last years of his life, that
few of the nobility could be supposed to be acquainted with
the particular circumstances of a transaction in which they
had no concern, and which had happened at the distance of
twelve years before the date of this usurpation. Moreover,
as their first information was no other than common fame,
the public clamour occasioned by the separation might
inspire such as were strangers to the family affairs with a
mistaken notion of the child's having been born about or
after the time of that event. The hurry and bustle
occasioned by the arrival of the lord-lieutenant about this
period, the reports industriously propagated of the
claimant's death, the obscurity and concealment in which the
boy was obliged to live, in order to elude the wicked
attempts of his uncle, might also contribute to his
peaceable enjoyment of an empty title. And lastly, Lord
Chancellor W—, whose immediate province it was to issue
writs for parliament, was an utter stranger in Ireland,
unacquainted with the descents of families, and consequently
did not examine farther than the certificate enrolled in the
books of the king-at-arms. Over and above these
circumstances, which naturally account for the success of
the imposture, it may be observed, that the hapless youth
had not one relation alive, on the side of his father, whose
interest it was not to forward or connive at his
destruction; that his grandfather, the duke of B—, was dead;
and that his mother was then in England, in a forlorn,
destitute, dying condition, secreted from the world, and
even from her own relations, by her woman Mary H—, who had a
particular interest to secrete her, and altogether dependent
upon a miserable and precarious allowance from the duchess
of B—, to whose caprice she was moreover a most wretched
slave.
"Notwithstanding these concurring circumstances in favour
of the usurper, he did not think himself secure while the
orphan had any chance of finding a friend who would
undertake his cause; and therefore laid a plan for his being
kidnapped, and sent to America as a slave. His coadjutor in
this inhuman scheme was a person who carried on the trade of
transporting servants to our plantations, and was deeply
interested on this occasion, having, for a mere trifle,
purchased of the late Lord A—, the reversion of a
considerable part of the A— estate, which shameful bargain
was confirmed by the brother, but could never take place,
unless the boy could be effectually removed.
"Everything being settled with this auxiliary, several
ruffians were employed in search of the unhappy victim; and
the first attempt that was made upon him, in which his uncle
personally assisted, happening near one of the great markets
of the city of Dublin, an honest butcher, with the
assistance of his neighbours, rescued him by force from
their cruel hands. This, however, was but a short respite;
for, though warned by this adventure, the boy seldom crept
out of his lurking-places, without the most cautious
circumspection, he was, in March, 1727, discovered by the
diligence of his persecutors, and forcibly dragged on board
of a ship bound for Newcastle, on Delaware river in America,
where he was sold as a slave, and kept to hard labour, much
above his age or strength, for the space of thirteen years,
during which he was transferred from one person to another.
"While he remained in this servile situation, he often
mentioned, to those in whom he thought such confidence might
be placed, the circumstances of his birth and title,
together with the manner of his being exiled from his native
country, although, in this particular, he neglected a
caution which he had received in his passage, importing that
such a discovery would cost him his life. Meanwhile the
usurper quietly enjoyed his right; and to those who
questioned him about his brother's son, constantly replied,
that the boy had been dead for several years. And Arthur,
earl of A—, dying in April 1737, he, upon pretence of being
next heir, succeeded to the honours and estate of that
nobleman.
"The term of the nephew's bondage, which had been
lengthened out beyond the usual time, on account of his
repeated attempts to escape, being expired in the year 1739,
he hired himself as a common sailor in a trading vessel
bound to Jamaica; and there, being entered on board of one
of his majesty's ships under the command of Admiral Vernon,
openly declared his parentage and pretensions. This
extraordinary claim, which made a great noise in the fleet,
reaching the ears of one Lieutenant S—, nearly related to
the usurper's Irish wife, he believed the young gentleman to
be an impostor; and, thinking it was incumbent on him to
discover the cheat, he went on board the ship to which the
claimant belonged, and, having heard the account which he
gave of himself, was, notwithstanding his prepossessions,
convinced of the truth of what he alleged. On his return to
his own ship, he chanced to mention this extraordinary
affair upon the quarter-deck, in the hearing of Mr. B—, one
of the midshipmen, who had formerly been at school with Mr.
A—. This young gentleman not only told the lieutenant, that
he had been school-fellow with Lord A—'s son, but also
declared that he should know him again, if not greatly
altered, as he still retained a perfect idea of his
countenance.
"Upon this intimation, the lieutenant proposed that the
experiment should be tried; and went with the midshipman on
board the ship that the claimant was on, for that purpose.
After all the sailors had been assembled upon deck, Mr. B—,
casting his eyes around, immediately distinguished Mr. A— in
the crowd, and, laying his hand on his shoulder, 'This is
the man,' said he; affirming, at the same time, that, while
he continued at school with him, the claimant was reputed
and respected as Lord A—'s son and heir, and maintained in
all respects suitable to the dignity of his rank. Nay, he
was, in like manner, recognised by several other persons in
the fleet, who had known him in his infancy.
"These things being reported to the admiral, he
generously ordered him to be supplied with necessaries, and
treated like a gentleman; and, in his next despatches,
transmitted an account of the affair to the duke of
Newcastle, among the other transactions of the fleet.
"In September or October, 1741, Mr. A— arrived in London;
and the first person to whom he applied for advice and
assistance was a man of the law, nearly related to the
families of A— and A—, and well acquainted with the
particular affairs of each; who, far from treating him as a
bastard and impostor, received him with civility and seeming
kindness, asked him to eat, presented him with a piece of
money, and, excusing himself from meddling in the affair,
advised him to go to Ireland, as the most proper place for
commencing a suit for the recovery of his right.
"Before the young gentleman had an opportunity, or indeed
any inclination, to comply with this advice, he was
accidentally met in the street by that same H—, who, as I
have mentioned, gave Mr. M— the first insight into the
affair. This man immediately knew the claimant, having been
formerly an agent for his father, and afterwards a creature
of his uncle's, with whom he was, not without reason,
suspected to be concerned in kidnapping and transporting his
nephew. Be that as it will, his connections with the usurper
were now broken off by a quarrel, in consequence of which he
had thrown up his agency; and he invited the hapless
stranger to his house, with a view of making all possible
advantage of such a guest.
"There he had not long remained, when his treacherous
landlord, tampering with his inexperience, effected a
marriage between him and the daughter of one of his own
friends, who lodged in his house at the same time. But
afterwards, seeing no person of consequence willing to
espouse his cause, he looked upon him as an encumbrance, and
wanted to rid his hands of him accordingly. He remembered
that Mr. M— had expressed himself with all the humanity of
apprehension in favour of the unfortunate young nobleman,
before his arrival in England; and, being well acquainted
with the generosity of his disposition, he no sooner
understood that he was returned from France, than he waited
upon him with an account of Mr. A—'s being safely arrived.
Mr. M— was sincerely rejoiced to find, that a person who had
been so cruelly injured, and undergone so long and continued
a scene of distress, was restored to a country where he was
sure of obtaining justice, and where every good man, as he
imagined, would make the cause his own. And being informed
that the youth was in want of necessaries, he gave twenty
guineas to H— for his use, and promised to do him all the
service in his power; but had no intention to take upon
himself the whole weight of such an important affair, or
indeed to appear in the cause, until he should be fully and
thoroughly satisfied that the claimant's pretensions were
well founded.
"In the meantime, H— insinuating that the young gentleman
was not safe in his present lodging from the machinations of
his enemies, M— accommodated him with an apartment in his
own house; where he was at great pains to remedy the defect
in his education, by rendering him fit to appear as a
gentleman in the world. Having received from him all the
intelligence he could give relating to his own affair, he
laid the case before counsel, and despatched a person to
Ireland, to make further inquiries upon the same subject;
who, in his first arrival in that kingdom, found the
claimant's birth was as publicly known as any circumstance
of that kind could possibly be, at so great a distance of
time.
"The usurper and his friends gave all the interruption in
their power to any researches concerning that affair; and
had recourse to every art and expedient that could be
invented, to prevent its being brought to a legal
discussion. Privilege, bills in chancery, orders of court
surreptitiously and illegally obtained, and every other
invention was made use of to bar and prevent a fair and
honest trial by a jury. The usurper himself, and his agents,
at the same time that they formed divers conspiracies
against his life, in vain endeavoured to detach Mr. M— from
the orphan's cause, by innumerable artifices, insinuating,
cajoling, and misrepresenting, with surprising dexterity and
perseverance.
"His protector, far from being satisfied with their
reasons, was not only deaf to their remonstrances, but,
believing him in danger from their repeated efforts, had him
privately conveyed into the country; where an unhappy
accident, which he hath ever since sincerely regretted,
furnished his adversary with a colourable pretext to cut him
off in the beginning of his career.
"A man happening to lose his life by the accidental
discharge of a piece that chanced to be in a young
gentleman's hands, the account of this misfortune no sooner
reached the ears of his uncle, than he expressed the most
immoderate joy at having found so good a handle for
destroying him, under colour of law. He immediately
constituted himself prosecutor, set his emissaries at work
to secure a coroner's inquest suited to his cruel purposes;
set out for the place in person, to take care that the
prisoner should not escape; insulted him in jail, in the
most inhuman manner; employed a whole army of attorneys and
agents, to spirit up and carry on a most virulent
prosecution; practised all the unfair methods that could be
invented, in order that the unhappy gentleman should be
transported to Newgate, from the healthy prison to which he
was at first committed; endeavoured to inveigle him into
destructive confessions; and, not to mention other more
infamous arts employed in the affair of evidence, attempted
to surprise him upon his trial in the absence of his
witnesses and counsel, contrary to a previous agreement with
the prosecutor's own attorney. Nay, he even appeared in
person upon the bench at the trial, in order to intimidate
the evidence, and browbeat the unfortunate prisoner at the
bar, and expended above a thousand pounds in that
prosecution. In spite of all his wicked efforts, however,
which were defeated by the spirit and indefatigable industry
of Mr. M—, the young gentleman was honourably acquitted, to
the evident satisfaction of all the impartial; the
misfortune, that gave a handle for that unnatural
prosecution, appearing to a demonstration to have been a
mere accident.
"In a few months, his protector, who had now openly
espoused his cause, taking with him two gentlemen to witness
his transactions, conducted him to his native country, with
a view to be better informed of the strength of his
pretensions, than he could be by the intelligence he had
hitherto received, or by the claimant's own dark and almost
obliterated remembrance of the facts which were essential to
be known. Upon their arrival in Dublin, application was made
to those persons whom Mr. A— had named as his schoolmasters
and companions, together with the servants and neighbours of
his father. These, though examined separately, without
having the least previous intimation of what the claimant
had reported, agreed in their accounts with him, as well as
with one another, and mentioned many other people as
acquainted with the same facts, to whom Mr. M— had recourse,
and still met with the same unvaried information. By these
means, he made such progress in his inquiries, that, in less
than two months, no fewer than one hundred persons, from
different quarters of the kingdom, either personally, or by
letters, communicated their knowledge of the claimant, in
declarations consonant with one another, as well as with the
accounts he gave of himself. Several servants who had lived
with his father, and been deceived with the story of his
death, so industriously propagated by his uncle, no sooner
heard of his being in Dublin, than they came from different
parts of the country to see him; and though great pains were
taken to deceive them, they, nevertheless, knew him at first
sight; some of them fell upon their knees to thank for his
preservation, embraced his legs, and shed tears of joy for
his return.
"Although the conduct of his adversary, particularly in
the above-mentioned prosecution, together with the evidence
that already appeared, were sufficient to convince all
mankind of the truth of the claimant's pretensions, Mr. M—,
in order to be further satisfied, resolved to see how he
would be received upon the spot where he was born; justly
concluding, that if he was really an impostor, the bastard
of a kitchen-wench, produced in a country entirely possessed
by his enemy and his allies, he must be looked upon in that
place with the utmost detestation and contempt.
"This his intention was no sooner known to the adverse
party, than their agents and friends from all quarters
repaired to that place with all possible despatch, and used
all their influence with the people, in remonstrances,
threats, and all the other arts they could devise, not only
to discountenance the claimant upon his arrival, but even to
spirit up a mob to insult him. Notwithstanding these
precautions, and the servile awe and subjection in which
tenants are kept by their landlords in that part of the
country, as soon as it was known that Mr. A— approached the
town, the inhabitants crowded out in great multitudes to
receive and welcome him, and accompanied him into town, with
acclamations, and other expressions of joy, insomuch that
the agents of his adversary durst not show their faces. The
sovereign of the corporation, who was a particular creature
and favourite of the usurper, and whose all depended upon
the issue of the cause, was so conscious of the stranger's
right, and so much awed by the behaviour of the people, who
knew that consciousness, that he did not think it safe even
to preserve the appearance of neutrality upon this occasion,
but actually held the stirrup while Mr. A— dismounted from
his horse.
"This sense of conviction in the people manifested itself
still more powerfully when he returned to the same place in
the year 1744, about which time Lord A— being informed of
his resolution, determined again to be beforehand with him,
and set out in person, with his agents and friends, some of
whom were detached before him to prepare for his reception,
and induced the people to meet him in a body, and accompany
him to town, with such expressions of welcome as they had
before bestowed on his nephew; but, in spite of all their
art and interest, he was suffered to pass through the street
in a mournful silence; and though several barrels of beer
were produced to court the favour of the populace, they had
no other effect than that of drawing their ridicule upon the
donor, whereas, when Mr. A—, two days afterwards, appeared,
all the inhabitants, with garlands, streamers, music, and
other ensigns of joy, crowded out to meet him, and ushered
him into town with such demonstrations of pleasure and
goodwill, that the noble peer found it convenient to hide
himself from the resentment of his own tenants, the effects
of which he must have severely felt, had not he been
screened by the timely remonstrances of Mr. M—, and the
other gentlemen who accompanied his competitor.
"Nor did his apprehension vanish with the transaction of
this day; the town was again in uproar on the Sunday
following, when it was known that Mr. A— intended to come
thither from Dunmain to church; they went out to meet him as
before, and conducted him to the church door with
acclamations, which terrified his uncle to such a degree,
that he fled with precipitation in a boat, and soon after
entirely quitted the place.
"It would be almost an endless task to enumerate the
particular steps that were taken by one side to promote, and
by the other to delay, the trial. The young gentleman's
adversaries finding that they could not, by all the
subterfuges and arts they had used, evade it, repeated
attempts were made to assassinate him and his protector; and
every obstruction thrown in the way of his cause which craft
could invent, villainy execute, and undue influence confirm.
But all these difficulties were surmounted by the vigilance,
constancy, courage, and sagacity of M—; and, at last, the
affair was brought to a very solemn trial at bar, which
being continued, by several adjournments, from the eleventh
to the twenty-fifth day of November, a verdict was found for
the claimant by a jury of gentlemen, which, in point of
reputation and property, cannot be easily paralleled in the
annals of that or any other country; a jury, that could by
no means be suspected of prepossessions in favour of Mr. A—,
to whose person they were absolute strangers; especially if
we consider, that a gentleman in their neighbourhood, who
was nephew to the foreman, and nearly related to some of the
rest of their number, forfeited a considerable estate by
their decision.
"This verdict," said the parson, "gave the highest
satisfaction to all impartial persons that were within reach
of being duly informed of their proceedings, and of the
different genius and conduct of the parties engaged in the
contest, but more especially to such as were in court, as I
was, at the trial, and had an opportunity of observing the
characters and behaviour of the persons who appeared there
to give evidence. To such it was very apparent, that all the
witnesses produced there on the part of the uncle, were
either his tenants, dependents, pot-companions, or persons
some way or other interested in the issue of the suit, and
remarkable for a low kind of cunning; that many of them were
persons of profligate lives, who deserved no credit; that,
independent of the levity of their characters, those of them
who went under the denomination of colonels, Colonel L—
alone excepted, who had nothing to say, and was only brought
there in order to give credit to that party, made so
ridiculous a figure, and gave so absurd, contradictory, and
inconsistent an evidence, as no court or jury could give the
least degree of credit to. On the other hand, it was
observed, that the nephew and Mr. M—, his chief manager,
being absolute strangers in that country, and unacquainted
with the characters of the persons they had to deal with,
were obliged to lay before the court and jury such evidence
as came to their hand, some of whom plainly appeared to have
been put upon them by their adversaries with a design to
hurt. It was also manifest, that the witnesses produced for
Mr. A—, were such as could have no manner of connection with
him, nor any dependence whatsoever upon him, to influence
their evidence; for the far greatest part of them had never
seen him from his infancy till the trial began; and many of
them, though poor, and undignified with the title of
colonels, were people of unblemished character, of great
simplicity, and such as no man in his senses would pitch
upon to support a bad cause. It is plain that the jury,
whose well-known honour, impartiality, and penetration, must
be revered by all who are acquainted with them, were not
under the least difficulty about their verdict; for they
were not enclosed above half an hour, when they returned
with it. These gentlemen could not help observing the great
inequality of the parties engaged, the great advantages that
the uncle had in every other respect, except the truth and
justice of his case, over the nephew, by means of his vast
possessions, and of his power and influence all round the
place of his birth; nor could the contrast between the
different geniuses of the two parties escape their
observation. They could not but see and conclude, that a
person who had confessedly transported and sold his orphan
nephew into slavery,—who, on his return, had carried on so
unwarrantable and cruel a prosecution to take away his life
under colour of law,—and who had also given such glaring
proofs of his skill and dexterity in the management of
witnesses for that cruel purpose,—was in like manner capable
of exerting the same happy talent on this occasion, when his
all was at stake; more especially, as he had so many others
who were equally interested with himself, and whose
abilities in that respect fell nothing short of his own, to
second him in it. The gentlemen of the jury had also a near
view of the manner in which the witnesses delivered their
testimonies, and had from thence an opportunity of observing
many circumstances, and distinguishing characteristics of
truth and falsehood, from which a great deal could be
gathered, that could not be adequately conveyed by any
printed account, how exact soever; consequently, they must
have been much better judges of the evidence on which they
founded their verdict than any person who had not the same
opportunity, can possibly be.
"These, Mr. Pickle, were my reflections on what I had
occasion to observe concerning that famous trial; and, on my
return to England two years after, I could not help pitying
the self-sufficiency of some people, who, at this distance,
pretended to pass their judgment on that verdict with as
great positiveness as if they had been in the secrets of the
cause, or upon the jury who tried it; and that from no
better authority than the declamations of Lord A—'s
emissaries, and some falsified printed accounts, artfully
cooked up on purpose to mislead and deceive.
"But to return from this digression. Lord A—, the
defendant in that cause, was so conscious of the strength
and merits of his injured nephew's case, and that a verdict
would go against him, that he ordered a writ of error to be
made out before the trial was ended; and the verdict was no
sooner given, than he immediately lodged it, though he well
knew he had no manner of error to assign. This expedient was
practised merely for vexation and delay, in order to keep
Mr. A— from the possession of the small estate he had
recovered by the verdict, that, his slender funds being
exhausted, he might be deprived of other means to prosecute
his right; and by the most oppressive contrivances and
scandalous chicanery, it has been kept up to this day,
without his being able to assign the least shadow of any
error.
"Lord A— was not the only antagonist that Mr. A— had to
deal with; all the different branches of the A— family, who
had been worrying one another at law ever since the death of
the late earl of A—, about the partition of his great
estate, were now firmly united in an association against
this unfortunate gentleman; mutual deeds were executed among
them, by which many great lordships and estates were given
up by the uncle to persons who had no right to possess them,
in order to engage them to side with him against his nephew,
in withholding the unjust possession of the remainder.
"These confederates having held several consultations
against their common enemy, and finding that his cause
gathered daily strength since the trial, by the accession of
many witnesses of figure and reputation, who had not been
heard of before, and that the only chance they had to
prevent the speedy establishment of his right, and their own
destruction, was by stripping Mr. M— of the little money
that yet remained, and by stopping all further resources
whereby he might be enabled to proceed; they therefore came
to a determined resolution to carry that hopeful scheme into
execution; and, in pursuance thereof, they have left no
expedient or stratagem, how extraordinary or scandalous
soever, unpractised, to distress Mr. A— and that gentleman.
For that end, all the oppressive arts and dilatory expensive
contrivances that the fertile invention of the lowest
pettifoggers of the law could possibly devise, have with
dexterity been played off against them, in fruitless
quibbling, and malicious suits, entirely foreign to the
merits of the cause. Not to mention numberless other acts of
oppression, the most extraordinary and unprecedented
proceeding, by means whereof this sham writ of error hath
been kept on foot ever since November, 1743, is to me," said
the doctor, "a most flagrant instance not only of the
prevalency of power and money, when employed, as in the
present case, against an unfortunate helpless man, disabled,
as he is, of the means of ascertaining his right, but of the
badness of a cause that hath recourse to so many iniquitous
expedients to support it.
"In a word, the whole conduct of Lord A— and his party,
from the beginning to this time, hath been such as
sufficiently manifests that it could proceed from no other
motives than a consciousness of Mr. A—'s right, and of their
own illegal usurpations, and from a terror of trusting the
merits of their case to a fair discussion by the laws of
their country; and that the intention and main drift of all
their proceedings plainly tends to stifle and smother the
merits of the case from the knowledge of the world, by
oppressive arts and ingenious delays, rather than trust it
to the candid determination of an honest jury. What else
could be the motives of kidnapping the claimant, and
transporting him when an infant? of the various attempts
made upon his life since his return? of the attempts to
divest him of all assistance to ascertain his right, by
endeavouring so solicitously to prevail on Mr. M— to abandon
him in the beginning? of retaining an army of counsel before
any suit had been commenced? of the many sinister attempts
to prevent the trial at bar? of the various arts made use of
to terrify any one from appearing as witness for the
claimant, and to seduce those who had appeared? of the
shameless, unprecedented, low tricks now practised, to keep
him out of the possession of that estate for which he had
obtained the verdict, thereby to disable him from bringing
his cause to a further hearing; and of the attempts made to
buy up Mr. M—'s debts, and to spirit up suits against him?
Is it not obvious from all these circumstances, as well as
from the obstruction they have given to the
attorney-general's proceeding to make a report to his
majesty on the claimant's petition to the king for the
peerage, which was referred by his majesty to that
gentleman, so far back as 1743, that all their efforts are
bent to that one point, of stifling, rather than suffering
the merits of this cause to come to a fair and candid
hearing; and that the sole consideration at present between
them and this unfortunate man is not whether he is right or
wrong, but whether he shall or shall not find money to bring
this cause to a final determination?
"Lord A— and his confederates, not thinking themselves
safe with all these expedients, while there was a
possibility of their antagonist's obtaining any assistance
from such as humanity, compassion, generosity, or a love of
justice, might induce to lay open their purses to his
assistance in ascertaining his right, have, by themselves
and their numerous emissaries, employed all the arts of
calumny, slander, and detraction against him, by traducing
his cause, vilifying his person, and most basely and cruelly
tearing his character to pieces, by a thousand
misrepresentations, purposely invented and industriously
propagated in all places of resort, which is a kind of
cowardly assassination that there is no guarding against;
yet, in spite of all these machinations, and the shameful
indifference of mankind, who stand aloof unconcerned, and
see this unhappy gentleman most inhumanly oppressed by the
weight of lawless power and faction, M—, far from suffering
himself to be dejected by the multiplying difficulties that
crowd upon him, still exerts himself with amazing fortitude
and assiduity, and will, I doubt not, bring the affair he
began and carried on with so much spirit, while his finances
lasted, to a happy conclusion.
"It would exceed the bounds of my intention, and,
perhaps, trespass too much upon your time, were I to
enumerate the low artifices and shameful quibbles by which
the usurper has found means to procrastinate the decision of
the contest between him and his hapless nephew, or to give a
detail of the damage and perplexity which Mr. M— has
sustained, and been involved in, by the treachery and
ingratitude of some who listed themselves under him in the
prosecution of this affair; and by the villainy of others,
who, under various pretences of material discoveries they
had to make, etc., had fastened themselves upon him, and
continued to do all the mischief in their power, until the
cloven foot was detected.
"One instance, however, is so flagrantly flagitious, that
I cannot resist the inclination I feel to relate it, as an
example of the most infernal perfidy that perhaps ever
entered the human heart. I have already mentioned the part
which H—n acted in the beginning of M—'s connection with the
unfortunate stranger, and hinted that the said H— lay under
many obligations to that gentleman before Mr. A—'s arrival
in England. He had been chief agent to Lord A—, and, as it
afterwards appeared, received several payments of a secret
pension which that lord enjoyed, for which he either could
not or would not account. His lordship, therefore, in order
to compel him to it, took out writs against him, and his
house was continually surrounded with catchpoles for the
space of two whole years.
"Mr. M— believing, from H—'s own account of the matter,
that the poor man was greatly injured, and prosecuted on
account of his attachment to the unhappy young gentleman,
did him all the good offices in his power, and became
security for him on several occasions; nay, such was his
opinion of his integrity, that, after Mr. A— was cleared of
the prosecution carried on against him by his uncle, his
person was entrusted to the care of this hypocrite, who
desired that the young gentleman might lodge at his house
for the convenience of air, M—'s own occasions calling him
often into the country.
"Having thus, by his consummate dissimulation, acquired
such a valuable charge, he wrote a letter to one of Lord
A—'s attorneys, offering to betray Mr. A—, provided his
lordship would settle his account, and give him a discharge
for eight hundred pounds of the pension which he had
received and not accounted for. Mr. M—, informed of this
treacherous proposal, immediately removed his lodger from
his house into his own, without assigning his reasons for so
doing, until he was obliged to declare it, in order to free
himself from the importunities of H—, who earnestly
solicited his return. This miscreant finding himself
detected and disappointed in his villainous design, was so
much enraged at his miscarriage, that, forgetting all the
benefits he had received from M— for a series of years, he
practised all the mischief that his malice could contrive
against him; and at length entered into a confederacy with
one G—, and several other abandoned wretches, who, as before
said, under various pretences of being able to make material
discoveries, and otherwise to serve the cause, had found
means to be employed in some extra business relating to it,
though their real intention was to betray the claimant.
"These confederates, in conjunction with some other
auxiliaries of infamous character, being informed that Mr.
M— was on the point of securing a considerable sum, to
enable him to prosecute Mr. A—'s right, and to bring it to a
happy conclusion, contrived a deep-laid scheme to disappoint
him in it, and at once to ruin the cause. And, previous
measures being taken for that wicked purpose, they imposed
upon the young gentleman's inexperience and credulity by
insinuations equally false, plausible, and malicious; to
which they at length gained his belief, by the mention of
some circumstances that gave what they alleged an air of
probability, and even of truth. They swore that Mr. M— had
taken out an action against him for a very large sum of
money; that they had actually seen the writ; that the
intention of it was to throw him into prison for life, and
ruin his cause, in consequence of an agreement made by him
with Lord A—, and his other enemies, to retrieve the money
that he had laid out in the cause.
"This plausible tale was enforced with such an air of
truth, candour, and earnest concern for his safety, and was
strengthened by so many imprecations and corroborating
circumstances of their invention, as would have staggered
one of much greater experience and knowledge of mankind than
Mr. A— could be supposed at that time to possess. The notion
of perpetual imprisonment, and the certain ruin they made
him believe his cause was threatened with, worked upon his
imagination to such a degree, that he suffered himself to be
led like a lamb to the slaughter by this artful band of
villains, who secreted him at the lodgings of one P—, an
intimate of G—'s, for several days, under colour of his
being hunted by bailiffs employed by Mr. M—, where he was
not only obliged by them to change his name, but even his
wife was not suffered to have access to him.
"Their design was to have sold him, or drawn him into a
ruinous compromise with his adversaries, for a valuable
consideration to themselves. But as no ties are binding
among such a knot of villains, the rest of the conspirators
were jockeyed by G—, who, in order to monopolize the
advantage to himself, hurried his prize into the country,
and secreted him even from his confederates, in a place of
concealment one hundred miles from London, under the same
ridiculous pretence of M—'s having taken out a writ against
him, and of bailiffs being in pursuit of him everywhere
round London.
"He was no sooner there, than G—, as a previous step to
the other villainy he intended, tricked him out of a bond
for six thousand pounds, under colour of his having a person
ready to advance the like sum upon it, as an immediate fund
for carrying on his cause; assuring him, at the same time,
that he had a set of gentlemen ready, who were willing to
advance twenty-five thousand pounds more for the same
purpose, and to allow him five hundred pounds a year for his
maintenance, till his cause should be made an end of,
provided that Mr. M— should have no further concern with him
and his cause.
"Mr. A—, having by this time received some intimations of
the deceit that had been put upon him, made answer, that he
should look upon himself as a very ungrateful monster
indeed, if he deserted a person who had saved his life, and
so generously ventured his own, together with his fortune,
in his cause, until he should first be certain of the truth
of what was alleged of him, and absolutely rejected the
proposal. G—, who had no other view in making it, than to
cover the secret villainy he meditated against him, and to
facilitate the execution thereof, easily receded from it,
when he found Mr. A— so averse to it, and undertook
nevertheless to raise the money, adding, that he might, if
he pleased, return to Mr. M— whenever it was secured. The
whole drift of this pretended undertaking to raise the
twenty-five thousand pounds, was only to lay a foundation
for a dexterous contrivance to draw Mr. A— unwarily into the
execution of a deed, relinquishing all his right and title,
under a notion of its being a deed to secure the repayment
of that sum.
"G— having, as he imagined, so far paved the way for the
execution of such a deed, enters into an agreement with an
agent, employed for that purpose by Mr. A—'s adversaries,
purporting that in consideration of the payment of a bond
for six thousand pounds, which he, G—, had, as he pretended,
laid out in Mr. A—'s cause, and of an annuity of seven
hundred pounds a year, he was to procure for them from Mr.
A— a deed ready executed, relinquishing all right and title
to the A— estate and honours. Everything being prepared for
the execution of this infernal scheme, unknown to Mr. A—, G—
then thought proper to send for him to town from his
retirement, in order, as he pretended, to execute a security
of twenty-five thousand pounds.
"This intended victim to that villain's avarice no sooner
arrived in town, full of hopes of money to carry on his
cause, and of agreeably surprising his friend and protector
Mr. M—, with so seasonable and unexpected a reinforcement,
than an unforeseen difficulty arose, concerning the payment
of G—'s six-thousand-pound bond. That money was to have been
raised out of the estate of a lunatic, which could not be
done without the leave of the Court of Chancery, to whom an
account must have been given of the intended application of
it. While preparations were making to rectify this omission,
G— immediately carried Mr. A— again into the country, lest
he should happen to be undeceived by some means or other.
"In the meantime, this wicked machination was
providentially discovered by Mr. M—, before it could be
carried into execution, by means of the jealousies that
arose among the conspirators themselves; and was, at the
same time, confirmed to him by a person whom the very agent
for the A— party had entrusted with the secret. M— no sooner
detected it, than he communicated his discovery to one of
Mr. A—'s counsel, a man of great worth, and immediately
thereupon took proper measures to defeat it. He then found
means to lay open to Mr. A— himself the treacherous scheme
that was laid for his destruction. He was highly sensible of
it, and could never afterwards reflect on the snare that he
had so unwarily been drawn into, and had so narrowly
escaped, without a mixture of horror, shame, and gratitude
to his deliverer.
"The consummate assurance of the monsters who were
engaged in this plot, after they had been detected, and
upbraided with their treachery, is scarce to be paralleled;
for they not only owned the fact of spiriting Mr. A— away in
the manner above mentioned, but justified their doing it as
tending to his service. They also maintained, that they had
actually secured the twenty-five thousand pounds for him,
though they never could name any one person who was to have
advanced the money. No man was more active in this scheme
than H—, nor any man more solicitous to keep Mr. A— up in
the false impressions he had received, or in projecting
methods to ruin his protector, than he.
"Among many other expedients for that purpose, a most
malicious attempt was made to lodge an information against
him, for treasonable practices, with the secretary of state,
notwithstanding the repeated proofs he had given of his
loyalty; and, as a preparatory step to his accusation, a
letter, which this traitor dictated, was copied by another
person, and actually sent to the earl of C—, importing, that
the person who copied the letter had an affair of
consequence to communicate to his lordship, if he would
appoint a time of receiving the information. But that
person, upon full conviction of the villainy of the scheme,
absolutely refused to proceed further in it; so that his
malice once more proved abortive; and before he had time to
execute any other contrivance of the same nature, he was
imprisoned in this very jail for debt.
"Here, finding his creditors inexorable, and himself
destitute of all other resource, he made application to the
very man whom he had injured in such an outrageous manner,
set forth his deplorable case in the most pathetic terms,
and entreated him, with the most abject humility, to use his
influence in his behalf. The distress of this varlet
immediately disarmed M— of his resentment, and even excited
his compassion. Without sending any answer to his
remonstrances, he interceded for him with his creditors; and
the person to whom he was chiefly indebted, refusing to
release him without security, this unwearied benefactor
joined with the prisoner in a bond for above two hundred and
forty pounds, for which he obtained his release.
"He was no sooner discharged, however, than he entered
into fresh combinations with G— and others, in order to
thwart his deliverer in his schemes of raising money, and
otherwise to distress and deprive him of liberty; for which
purpose, no art or industry, perjury not excepted, hath been
spared. And, what is still more extraordinary, this
perfidious monster having found money to take up the bond,
in consequence of which he regained his freedom, hath
procured a writ against M—, upon that very obligation; and
taken assignments to some other debts of that gentleman,
with the same Christian intention. But hitherto he hath, by
surprising sagacity and unshaken resolution, baffled all
their infernal contrivances, and retorted some of their
machinations on their own heads. At this time, when he is
supposed by some, and represented by others, as under the
circumstances of oblivion and despondence, he proceeds in
his design with the utmost calmness and intrepidity,
meditating schemes, and ripening measures, that will one day
confound his enemies, and attract the notice and admiration
of mankind."
Peregrine, having thanked the priest for his obliging
information, expressed his surprise at the scandalous
inattention of the world to an affair of such importance;
observing, that, by such inhuman neglect, this unfortunate
young gentleman, Mr. A—, was absolutely deprived of all the
benefit of society; the sole end of which is, to protect the
rights, redress the grievances, and promote the happiness of
individuals. As for the character of M—, he said, it was so
romantically singular in all its circumstances, that, though
other motives were wanting, curiosity alone would induce him
to seek his acquaintance. But he did not at all wonder at
the ungrateful returns which had been made to his generosity
by H— and many others, whom he had served in a manner that
few, besides himself, would have done; for he had been long
convinced of the truth conveyed in these lines of a
celebrated Italian author:—
Li beneficii che, per la loro grandezza, non ponno esser
guiderdonati, con la scelerata moneta dell' ingratitudine
sono pagati.
"The story which you have related of that young
gentleman," said he, "bears a very strong resemblance to the
fate of a Spanish nobleman, as it was communicated to me by
one of his own intimate friends at Paris. The Countess
d'Alvarez died immediately after the birth of a son, and the
husband surviving her but three years, the child was left
sole heir to the honours and estate, under the guardianship
of his uncle, who had a small fortune and a great many
children. This inhuman relation, coveting the wealth of his
infant ward, formed a design against the life of the
helpless orphan, and trusted the execution of it to his
valet-de-chambre, who was tempted to undertake the murder by
the promise of a considerable reward. He accordingly stabbed
the boy with a knife in three different places, on the right
side of his neck; but, as he was not used to such barbarous
attempts, his hand failed in the performance; and he was
seized with such remorse, that, perceiving the wounds were
not mortal, he carried the hapless victim to the house of a
surgeon, by whose care they were healed; and, in the
meantime, that he might not forfeit his recompense, found
means to persuade his employer, that his orders were
performed. A bundle being made up for the purpose, was
publicly interred as the body of the child, who was said to
have been suddenly carried off by a convulsion; and the
uncle, without opposition, succeeded to his honours and
estate. The boy being cured of his hurts, was, about the age
of six, delivered, with a small sum of money, to a merchant
just embarking for Turkey; who was given to understand, that
he was the bastard of a man of quality and that for family
reasons, it was necessary to conceal his birth.
"While the unfortunate orphan remained in this deplorable
state of bondage, all the children of the usurper died one
after another; and he himself being taken dangerously ill,
attributed all his afflictions to the just judgment of God,
and communicated his anxiety on that subject to the
valet-de-chambre, who had been employed in the murder of his
nephew. That domestic, in order to quiet his master's
conscience, and calm the perturbation of his spirits,
confessed what he had done, and gave him hopes of still
finding the boy by dint of industry and expense. The unhappy
child being the only hope of the family of Alvarez, the
uncle immediately ordered a minute inquiry to be set on
foot; in consequence of which he was informed, that the
orphan had been sold to a Turk, who had afterwards
transferred him to an English merchant, by whom he was
conveyed to London.
"An express was immediately despatched to this capital,
where he understood that the unhappy exile had, in
consideration of his faithful services, been bound
apprentice to a French barber-surgeon; and, after he had
sufficiently qualified himself in that profession, been
received into the family of the Count de Gallas, at that
time the emperor's ambassador at the court of London. From
the house of this nobleman he was traced into the service of
Count d'Oberstorf, where he had married his lady's
chambermaid, and then gone to settle as a surgeon in
Bohemia.
"In the course of these inquiries, several years elapsed:
his uncle, who was very much attached to the house of
Austria, lived at Barcelona when the father of this
empress-queen resided in that city, and lent him a very
considerable sum of money in the most pressing emergency of
his affairs; and when that prince was on the point of
returning to Germany, the old count, finding his end
approaching, sent his father confessor to his majesty, with
a circumstantial account of the barbarity he had practised
against his nephew, for which he implored forgiveness, and
begged he would give orders, that the orphan, when found,
should inherit the dignities and fortune which he had
unjustly usurped.
"His majesty assured the old man, that he might make
himself easy on that score, and ordered the confessor to
follow him to Vienna, immediately after the count's death,
in order to assist his endeavours in finding out the injured
heir. The priest did not fail to yield obedience to this
command. He informed himself of certain natural marks on the
young count's body, which were known to the nurse and women
who attended him in his infancy; and, with a gentleman whom
the emperor ordered to accompany him, set out for Bohemia,
where he soon found the object of his inquiry, in the
capacity of major-domo to a nobleman of that country, he
having quitted his profession of surgery for that office.
"He was not a little surprised, when he found himself
circumstantially catechised about the particulars of his
life, by persons commissioned for that purpose by the
emperor. He told them, that he was absolutely ignorant of
his own birth, though he had been informed, during his
residence in Turkey, that he was the bastard of a Spanish
grandee, and gave them a minute detail of the pilgrimage he
had undergone. This information agreeing with the
intelligence which the priest had already received, and
being corroborated by the marks upon his body, and the very
scars of the wounds which had been inflicted upon him in his
infancy, the confessor, without further hesitation, saluted
him by the name of Count d'Alvarez, grandee of Spain, and
explained the whole mystery of his fortune.
"If he was agreeably amazed at this explanation, the case
was otherwise with his wife, who thought herself in great
danger of being abandoned by a husband of such high rank;
but he immediately dispelled her apprehension, by assuring
her, that, as she had shared in his adversity, she should
also partake of his good fortune. He set out immediately for
Vienna, to make his acknowledgments to the emperor, who
favoured him with a very gracious reception, promised to use
his influence, so that he might enjoy the honours and estate
of his family; and in the meantime acknowledged himself his
debtor for four hundred thousand florins, which he had
borrowed from his uncle. He threw himself at the feet of his
august protector, expressed the most grateful sense of his
goodness, and begged he might be permitted to settle in some
of his imperial majesty's dominions. This request was
immediately granted; he was allowed to purchase land in any
part of the hereditary dominions of the house of Austria, to
the amount of the sum I have mentioned; and made choice of
the country of Ratibor, in Silesia, where, in all
probability, he still resides."
Peregrine had scarce finished the narrative, when he
perceived Mr. M— slip something into the hand of the young
man with whom he had been conversing at the other end of the
room, and rise up from the table in order to take his leave.
He at once understood the meaning of this conveyance, and
longed for an opportunity to be acquainted with such a rare
instance of primitive benevolence; but the consciousness of
his present situation hindered him from making any advance
that might be construed into forwardness or presumption.
CHAPTER XCIX.
He is surprised with the Appearance of Hatchway and Pipes,
who take up their Habitation in his Neighbourhood, contrary
to his Inclination and express Desire.
Being now regularly initiated in the mysteries of the
Fleet, and reconciled in some measure to the customs of the
place, he began to bear the edge of reflection without
wincing; and thinking it would be highly imprudent in him to
defer any longer the purposes by which only he could enjoy
any ease and satisfaction in his confinement, he resolved to
resume his task of translating, and every week compose an
occasional paper, by way of revenge upon the minister,
against whom he had denounced eternal war. With this view,
he locked himself up in his chamber, and went to work with
great eagerness and application, when he was interrupted by
a ticket porter, who, putting a letter in his hand, vanished
in a moment, before he had time to peruse the contents.
Our hero, opening the billet, was not a little surprised
to find a bank-note for fifty pounds, enclosed in a blank
sheet of paper; and, having exercised his memory and
penetration on the subject of this unexpected windfall, had
just concluded, that it could come from no other hand than
the lady who had so kindly visited him a few days before,
when his ears were suddenly invaded by the well-known sound
of that whistle which always hung about the neck of Pipes,
as a memorial of his former occupation. This tune being
performed, he heard the noise of a wooden leg ascending the
stair; upon which he opened his door, and beheld his friend
Hatchway, with his old shipmate at his back.
After a cordial shake of the hand, with the usual
salutation of, "What cheer, cousin Pickle?" honest Jack
seated himself without ceremony; and casting his eyes around
the apartment, "Split my top-staysail," said he, with an
arch sneer, "you have got into a snug berth, cousin. Here
you may sit all weathers, without being turned out to take
your watch, and no fear of the ship's dragging her anchor.
You han't much room to spare, 'tis true: an' I had known as
how you stowed so close, Tom should have slung my own
hammock for you, and then you mought have knocked down this
great lubberly hurricane house. But, mayhap, you turn in
double, and so you don't choose to trust yourself and your
doxy to a clue and canvas."
Pickle bore his jokes with great good-humour, rallied him
in his turn about the dairy-maid at the garrison; inquiring
about his friends in the country, asked if he had been to
visit his niece, and, finally, expressed a desire of knowing
the cause of his journey to London. The lieutenant satisfied
his curiosity in all these particulars; and, in answer to
the last question, observed that, from the information of
Pipes, understanding he was land-locked, he had come from
the country in order to tow him into the offing. "I know not
how the wind sets," said he, "but if so be as three thousand
pounds will bring you clear of the cape, say the word, and
you shan't lie wind-bound another glass for want of the
money."
This was an offer which few people in our hero's
situation would have altogether refused, especially as he
had all the reason in the world to believe, that, far from
being a vain unmeaning compliment, it was the genuine
tribute of friendship, which the lieutenant would have
willingly, ay, and with pleasure, paid. Nevertheless,
Peregrine peremptorily refused his assistance, though not
without expressing himself in terms of acknowledgment
suitable to the occasion. He told him, it would be time
enough to make use of his generosity, when he should find
himself destitute of all other resource. Jack employed all
his rhetoric, with a view of persuading him to take this
opportunity to procure his own enlargement; and, finding his
arguments ineffectual, insisted upon his accepting an
immediate supply for his necessary occasions; swearing with
great vehemence, that he would never return to the garrison,
unless he would put him upon the footing of any other
tenant, and receive his rent accordingly.
Our young gentleman as positively swore, that he never
would consider him in that light; remonstrating, that he had
long ago settled the house upon him for life, as a pledge of
his own esteem, as well as in conformity with the
commodore's desire; and beseeching him to return to his
usual avocations, protested that, if ever his situation
should subject him to the necessity of borrowing from his
friends, Mr. Hatchway should be the first man to whom he
would apply himself for succour. To convince him that this
was not the case at present, he produced the bank-note which
he had received in the letter, together with his own ready
money; and mentioned some other funds, which he invented
extempore, in order to amuse the lieutenant's concern. In
the close of this expostulation, he desired Pipes to conduct
Mr. Hatchway to the coffee-house, where he might amuse
himself with the newspaper for half an hour; during which he
would put on his clothes, and bespeak something for dinner,
that they might enjoy each other's company as long as his
occasions would permit him to stay in that place.
The two sailors were no sooner gone, than he took up the
pen, and wrote the following letter, in which he enclosed
the bank-note to his generous benefactress:
Madam,—Your humanity is not more ingenious than my
suspicion. In vain you attempt to impose upon me by an
act of generosity, which no person on earth but your
ladyship is capable of committing. Though your name was
not subscribed on the paper, your sentiments were fully
displayed in the contents, which I must beg leave to
restore, with the same sense of gratitude, and for the
same reasons I expressed when last I had the honour to
converse with you upon this subject. Though I am deprived
of my liberty by the villainy and ingratitude of mankind,
I am not yet destitute of the other conveniences of life;
and therefore beg to be excused for incurring an unnecessary
addition to that load of obligation you have already laid
upon, madam, your ladyship's most devoted, humble servant,
"Peregrine Pickle."
Having dressed himself, and repaired to the place of
appointment, he despatched this epistle by the hands of
Pipes, who was ordered to leave it at her ladyship's house,
without staying for an answer; and in the meantime gave
directions for dinner, which he and his friend Hatchway ate
very cheerfully in his own apartment, after he had
entertained him with a sight of all the curiosities in the
place. During their repast, Jack repeated his kind offers to
our adventurer, who declined them with his former obstinacy,
and begged he might be no more importuned on that subject;
but if he insisted upon giving some fresh proofs of his
friendship, he might have an opportunity of exhibiting it in
taking Pipes under his care and protection; for nothing
affected him so much as his inability to provide for such a
faithful adherent.
The lieutenant desired he would give himself no trouble
upon that score; he being, of his own accord, perfectly well
disposed to befriend his old shipmate, who should never want
while he had a shilling to spare. But he began to drop some
hints of an intention to fix his quarters in the Fleet,
observing, that the air seemed to be very good in that
place, and that he was tired of living in the country. What
he said did not amount to a plain declaration, and therefore
Peregrine did not answer it as such, though he perceived his
drift; and took an opportunity of describing the
inconveniences of the place, in such a manner as, he hoped,
would deter him from putting such an extravagant plan in
execution.
This expedient, however, far from answering the end
proposed, had a quite contrary effect, and furnished
Hatchway with an argument against his own unwillingness to
quit such a disagreeable place. In all probability, Jack
would have been more explicit with regard to the scheme he
had proposed, if the conversation had not been interrupted
by the arrival of Cadwallader, who never failed in the
performance of his diurnal visit. Hatchway, conjecturing
that this stranger might have some private business with his
friend, quitted the apartment, on pretence of taking a turn;
and meeting Pipes at the door, desired his company to the
Bare, by which name the open space is distinguished; where,
during a course of perambulation, these two companions held
a council upon Pickle, in consequence of which it was
determined, since he obstinately persisted to refuse their
assistance, that they should take lodgings in his
neighbourhood, with a view of being at hand to minister unto
his occasions, in spite of his false delicacy, according to
the emergency of his affairs.
This resolution being taken, they consulted the
bar-keeper of the coffee-house about lodging, and she
directed them to the warden; to whom the lieutenant, in his
great wisdom, represented himself as a kinsman to Peregrine,
who, rather than leave that young gentleman by himself to
the unavoidable discomforts of a prison, was inclined to
keep him company, till such time as his affairs could be put
in order. This measure he the more anxiously desired to
take, because the prisoner was sometimes subject to a
disordered imagination, upon which occasion he stood in need
of extraordinary attendance; and therefore he, the
lieutenant, entreated the warden to accommodate him with a
lodging for himself and his servant, for which he was ready
to make any reasonable acknowledgment. The warden, who was a
sensible and humane man, could not help applauding his
resolution; and several rooms being at that time unoccupied,
he put him immediately in possession of a couple, which were
forthwith prepared for his reception.
This affair being settled to his satisfaction, he
despatched Pipes for his portmanteau; and, returning to the
coffee-house, found Peregrine, with whom he spent the
remaining part of the evening. Our hero, taking it for
granted that he proposed to set out for the garrison next
day, wrote a memorandum of some books which he had left in
that habitation, and which he now desired Jack to send up to
town by the waggon, directed for Mr. Crabtree. He cautioned
him against giving the least hint of his misfortune in the
neighbourhood, that it might remain, as long as possible,
concealed from the knowledge of his sister, who, he knew,
would afflict herself immoderately at the news, nor reach
the ears of the rest of his family, who would exult and
triumph over his distress.
Hatchway listened to his injunctions with great
attention, and promised to demean himself accordingly. Then
the discourse shifted to an agreeable recapitulation of the
merry scenes they had formerly acted together. And the
evening being pretty far advanced, Peregrine, with seeming
reluctance, told him that the gates of the Fleet would in a
few minutes be shut for the night, and that there was an
absolute necessity for his withdrawing to his lodging. Jack
replied, that he could not think of parting with him so
soon, after such a long separation; and that he was
determined to stay with him an hour or two longer, if he
should be obliged to take up his lodging in the streets.
Pickle, rather than disoblige his guest, indulged him in his
desire and resolved to give him a share of his own bed. A
pair of chickens and asparagus were bespoke for supper, at
which Pipes attended with an air of internal satisfaction;
and the bottle was bandied about in a jovial manner till
midnight, when the lieutenant rose up to take his leave,
observing, that, being fatigued with riding, he was inclined
to turn in. Pipes, upon this intimation, produced a lanthorn
ready lighted; and Jack, shaking his entertainer by the
hand, wished him good night, and promised to visit him again
betimes in the morning.
Peregrine, imagining that his behaviour proceeded from
the wine, which he had plentifully drunk, told him, that, if
he was disposed to sleep, his bed was ready prepared in the
room, and ordered his attendant to undress his master; upon
which Mr. Hatchway gave him to understand, that he had no
occasion to incommode his friend, having already provided a
lodging for himself, and the young gentleman demanding an
explanation, he frankly owned what he had done, saying, "You
gave me such a dismal account of the place, that I could not
think of leaving you in it without company." Our young
gentleman, who was naturally impatient of benefits, and
foresaw that this uncommon instance of Hatchway's friendship
would encroach upon the plan which he had formed for his own
subsistence, by engrossing his time and attention, so as
that he should not be able to prosecute his labours,
closeted the lieutenant next day, and demonstrated to him
the folly and ill consequences of the step he had taken. He
observed, that the world in general would look upon it as
the effect of mere madness; and, if his relations were so
disposed, they might make it the foundation for a statute of
lunacy against him; that his absence from the garrison must
be a very great detriment to his private affairs; and,
lastly, that his presence in the Fleet would be a very great
hindrance to Pickle himself, whose hope of regaining his
liberty altogether depended upon his being detached from all
company and interruption.
To these remonstrances Jack replied, that, as to the
opinion of the world, it was no more to him than a rotten
net-line; and if his relations had a mind to have his upper
works condemned, he did not doubt but he should be able to
stand the survey, without being declared unfit for service;
that he had no affairs at the garrison, but such as would
keep cold; and with regard to Pickle's being interrupted by
his presence, he gave him his word, that he would never come
alongside of him, except when he should give him the signal
for holding discourse. In conclusion, he signified his
resolution to stay where he was, at all events, without
making himself accountable to any person, whatsoever.
Peregrine seeing him determined, desisted from any
further importunity; resolving, however, to tire him out of
his plan by reserve and supercilious neglect; for he could
not bear the thought of being so notoriously obliged by any
person upon earth. With this view he quitted the lieutenant,
upon some slight pretence; after having told him, that he
could not have the pleasure of his company at dinner,
because he was engaged with a particular club of his
fellow-prisoners.
Jack was a stranger to the punctilios of behaviour, and
therefore did not take this declaration amiss; but had
immediate recourse to the advice of his counsellor, Mr.
Pipes, who proposed, that he should go to the coffee-house
and kitchen, and give the people to understand that he would
pay for all such liquor and provisions as Mr. Pickle should
order to be sent to his lodging. This expedient was
immediately practised; and as there was no credit in the
place, Hatchway deposited a sum of money, by way of
security, to the cook and the vintner, intimating, that
there was a necessity for taking that method of befriending
his cousin Peregrine, who was subject to strange whims, that
rendered it impossible to serve him any other way.
In consequence of these insinuations, it was that same
day rumoured about the Fleet, that Mr. Pickle was an unhappy
gentleman disordered in his understanding, and that the
lieutenant was his near relation, who had subjected himself
to the inconvenience of living in a jail, with the sole view
of keeping a strict eye over his conduct. This report,
however, did not reach the ears of our hero till the next
day, when he sent one of the runners of the Fleet, who
attended him, to bespeak and pay for a couple of pullets,
and something else for dinner, to which he had already
invited his friend Hatchway, in hope of being able to
persuade him to retire into the country, after he had
undergone a whole day's mortification in the place. The
messenger returned with an assurance, that the dinner should
be made ready according to his directions, and restored the
money, observing, that his kinsman had paid for what was
bespoke.
Peregrine was equally surprised and disgusted at this
information, and resolved to chide the lieutenant severely
for his unseasonable treat, which he considered as a thing
repugnant to his reputation. Meanwhile, he despatched his
attendant for wine to the coffee-house, and finding his
credit bolstered up in that place by the same means, was
enraged at the presumption of Jack's friendship. He
questioned the valet about it with such manifestation of
displeasure, that the fellow, afraid of disobliging such a
good master, frankly communicated the story which was
circulated at his expense. The young gentleman was so much
incensed at this piece of intelligence, that he wrote a
bitter expostulation to the lieutenant, where he not only
retracted his invitation, but declared that he would never
converse with him while he should remain within the place.
Having thus obeyed the dictates of his anger, he gave
notice to the cook, that he should not have occasion for
what was ordered. Repairing to the coffee-house, he told the
landlord, that whereas he understood the stranger with the
wooden leg had prepossessed him and others with ridiculous
notions, tending to bring the sanity of his intellects in
question, and, to confirm this imputation, had, under the
pretence of consanguinity, undertaken to defray his
expenses; he could not help, in justice to himself,
declaring, that the same person was, in reality, the madman,
who had given his keepers the slip; that, therefore, he, the
landlord, would not find his account in complying with his
orders, and encouraging him to frequent his house; and that,
for his own part, he would never enter the door, or favour
him with the least trifle of his custom, if ever he should
for the future find himself anticipated in his payments by
that unhappy lunatic.
The vintner was confounded at this retorted charge; and,
after much perplexity and deliberation, concluded, that both
parties were distracted; the stranger in paying a man's
debts against his will, and Pickle, in being offended at
such forwardness of friendship.
CHAPTER C.
These Associates commit an Assault upon Crabtree, for which
they are banished from the Fleet—Peregrine begins to feel
the effects of Confinement.
Our adventurer having dined at an ordinary, and in the
afternoon retired to his own apartment, as usual, with his
friend Cadwallader, Hatchway and his associate, after they
had been obliged to discuss the provision for which they had
paid, renewed their conference upon the old subject. Pipes
giving his messmate to understand, that Peregrine's chief
confidant was the old deaf bachelor, whom he had seen at his
lodging the preceding day, Mr. Hatchway, in his great
penetration, discovered, that the young gentleman's
obstinacy proceeded from the advice of the misanthrope,
whom, for that reason, it was their business to chastise.
Pipes entered into this opinion the more willingly, as he
had all along believed the senior to be a sort of wizard, or
some cacodaemon, whom it was not very creditable to be
acquainted with. Indeed, he had been inspired with this
notion by the insinuations of Hadgi, who had formerly
dropped some hints touching Crabtree's profound knowledge in
the magic art; mentioning, in particular, his being
possessed of the philosopher's stone; an assertion to which
Tom had given implicit credit, until his master was sent to
prison for debt, when he could no longer suppose Cadwallader
lord of such a valuable secret, or else he would have
certainly procured the enlargement of his most intimate
friend.
With these sentiments, he espoused the resentment of
Hatchway. They determined to seize the supposed conjurer,
with the first opportunity, on his return from his visit to
Peregrine, and, without hesitation, exercise upon him the
discipline of the pump. This plan they would have executed
that same evening, had not the misanthrope luckily withdrawn
himself, by accident, before it was dark, and even before
they had intelligence of his retreat. But, next day, they
kept themselves upon the watch till he appeared, and Pipes
lifting his hat, as Crabtree passed, "O d— ye, old Dunny,"
said he, "you and I must grapple by and by; and a'gad I
shall lie so near your quarter, that your ear-ports will let
in the sound, thof they are double caulked with oakum."
The misanthrope's ears were not quite so fast closed, but
that they received this intimation; which, though delivered
in terms that he did not well understand, had such an effect
upon his apprehension, that he signified his doubts to
Peregrine, observing, that he did not much like the looks of
that same ruffian with the wooden leg. Pickle assured him,
he had nothing to fear from the two sailors, who could have
no cause of resentment against him; or, if they had, would
not venture to take any step, which they knew must block up
all the avenues to that reconcilement, about which they were
so anxious; and, moreover, give such offence to the governor
of the place as would infallibly induce him to expel them
both from his territories.
Notwithstanding this assurance, the young gentleman was
not so confident of the lieutenant's discretion, as to
believe that Crabtree's fears were altogether without
foundation; he forthwith conjectured that Jack had taken
umbrage at an intimacy from which he found himself excluded,
and imputed his disgrace to the insinuations of Cadwallader,
whom, in all likelihood, he intended to punish for his
supposed advice. He knew his friend could sustain no great
damage from the lieutenant's resentment, in a place which he
could immediately alarm with his cries, and therefore wished
he might fall into the snare, because it would furnish him
with a pretence of complaint; in consequence of which, the
sailors would be obliged to shift their quarters, so as that
he should be rid of their company, in which he at present
could find no enjoyment.
Everything happened as he had foreseen; the misanthrope,
in his retreat from Peregrine's chamber, was assaulted by
Hatchway and his associate, who seized him by the collar
without ceremony, and began to drag him towards the pump, at
which they would have certainly complimented him with a very
disagreeable bath, had not he exalted his voice in such a
manner, as in a moment brought a number of the inhabitants,
and Pickle himself, to his aid. The assailants would have
persisted in their design, had the opposition been such as
they could have faced with any possibility of success; nor
did they quit their prey, before a dozen, at least, had come
to his rescue, and Peregrine with a menacing aspect and air
of authority, commanded his old valet to withdraw. Then they
thought proper to sheer off, and betake themselves to close
quarters, while our hero accompanied the affrighted
Cadwallader to the gate, and exhibited to the warden a
formal complaint against the rioters, upon whom he retorted
the charge of lunacy, which was supported by the evidence of
twenty persons, who had been eye-witnesses of the outrage
committed against the old gentleman. The governor, in
consequence of this information, sent a message to Mr.
Hatchway, warning him to move his lodging next day, on pain
of being expelled. The lieutenant contumaciously refusing to
comply with this intimation, was in the morning, while he
amused himself in walking upon the Bare, suddenly surrounded
by the constables of the court, who took him and his
adherent prisoners, before they were aware, and delivered
them into the hands of the turnkeys, by whom they were
immediately dismissed, and their baggage conveyed to the
side of the ditch.
This expulsion was not performed without an obstinate
opposition on the part of the delinquents, who, had they not
been surprised, would have set the whole Fleet at defiance,
and, in all probability, have acted divers tragedies, before
they could have been overpowered. Things being circumstanced
as they were, the lieutenant did not part with his conductor
without tweaking his nose, by way of farewell; and Pipes, in
imitation of such a laudable example, communicated a token
of remembrance, in an application to the sole eye of his
attendant, who, scorning to be outdone in this kind of
courtesy, returned the compliment with such good-will, that
Tom's organ performed the office of a multiplying-glass.
These were mutual hints for stripping, and, accordingly,
each was naked from the waist upwards in a trice. A ring of
butchers from the market was immediately formed; a couple of
the reverend flamens, who, in morning gowns, ply for
marriages in that quarter of the town, constituted
themselves seconds and umpires of the approaching contest,
and the battle began without further preparation. The
combatants were, in point of strength and agility, pretty
equally matched; but the jailor had been regularly trained
in the art of bruising: he had more than once signalized
himself in public, by his prowess and skill in this
exercise, and lost one eye upon the stage in the course of
his exploits. This was a misfortune of which Pipes did not
fail to take the advantage. He had already sustained several
hard knocks upon his temples and jaws, and found it
impracticable to smite his antagonist upon the
victualling-office, so dexterously was it defended against
assault. He then changed his battery, and being ambidexter,
raised such a clatter upon the turnkey's blind side, that
this hero, believing him left-handed, converted his
attention that way, and opposed the unenlightened side of
his face to the right hand of Pipes, which being thus
unprovided against, slyly bestowed upon him a peg under the
fifth rib, that in an instant laid him senseless on the
pavement, at the feet of his conqueror. Pipes was
congratulated upon his victory, not only by his friend
Hatchway, but also by all the by-standers, particularly the
priest who had espoused his cause, and now invited the
strangers to his lodgings in a neighbouring alehouse, where
they were entertained so much to their liking, that they
determined to seek no other habitation while they should
continue in town; and, notwithstanding the disgrace and
discouragement they had met with, in their endeavours to
serve our adventurer, they were still resolved to persevere
in their good offices, or, in the vulgar phrase, to see him
out.
While they settled themselves in this manner, and
acquired familiar connections round all the purlieus of the
ditch, Peregrine found himself deprived of the company of
Cadwallader, who signified, by letter, that he did not
choose to hazard his person again in visiting him, while
such assassins occupied the avenues through which he must
pass; for he had been at pains to inquire into the motions
of the seamen, and informed himself exactly of the harbour
in which they were moored.
Our hero had been so much accustomed to the conversation
of Crabtree, which was altogether suitable to the
singularity of his own disposition, that he could very ill
afford to be debarred of it at this juncture, when almost
every other source of enjoyment was stopped. He was,
however, obliged to submit to the hardships of his
situation; and as the characters of his fellow-prisoners did
not at all improve upon him, he was compelled to seek for
satisfaction within himself. Not but that he had an
opportunity of conversing with some people who neither
wanted sense, nor were deficient in point of principle; yet
there appeared in the behaviour of them all, without
exception, a certain want of decorum, a squalor of
sentiment, a sort of jailish cast contracted in the course
of confinement, which disgusted the delicacy of our hero's
observation. He, therefore, detached himself from their
parties as much as he could, without giving offence to those
among whom he was obliged to live, and resumed his labours
with incredible eagerness and perseverance, his spirits
being supported by the success of some severe philippics,
which he occasionally published against the author of his
misfortune.
Nor was his humanity unemployed in the vacations of his
revenge. A man must be void of all sympathy and compassion,
who can reside among so many miserable objects, without
feeling an inclination to relieve their distress. Every day
almost presented to his view such lamentable scenes as were
most likely to attract his notice, and engage his
benevolence. Reverses of fortune, attended with the most
deplorable circumstances of domestic woe, were continually
intruding upon his acquaintance; his ears were invaded with
the cries of the hapless wife, who, from the enjoyment of
affluence and pleasure, was forced to follow her husband to
this abode of wretchedness and want; his eyes were every
minute assailed with the naked and meagre appearances of
hunger and cold; and his fancy teemed with a thousand
aggravations of their misery.
Thus situated, his purse was never shut while his heart
remained open. Without reflecting upon the slenderness of
his store, he exercised his charity to all the children of
distress, and acquired a popularity, which, though pleasing,
was far from being profitable. In short, his bounty kept no
pace with his circumstances, and in a little time he was
utterly exhausted. He had recourse to his bookseller, from
whom, with great difficulty, he obtained a small
reinforcement; and immediately relapsed into the same want
of retention. He was conscious of his infirmity, and found
it incurable: he foresaw that by his own industry he should
never be able to defray the expense of these occasions; and
this reflection sunk deep into his mind. The approbation of
the public, which he had earned or might acquire like a
cordial often repeated, began to lose its effect upon his
imagination; his health suffered by his sedentary life and
austere application, his eyesight failed, his appetite
forsook him, his spirits decayed; so that he became
melancholy, listless, and altogether incapable of
prosecuting the only means he had left for his subsistence;
and, what did not at all contribute to the alleviation of
these particulars, he was given to understand by his lawyer,
that he had lost his cause, and was condemned in costs. Even
this was not the most mortifying piece of intelligence he
received: he at the same time learned that his bookseller
was bankrupt, and his friend Crabtree at the point of death.
These were comfortable considerations to a youth of
Peregrine's disposition, which was so capricious, that the
more his misery increased, the more haughty and inflexible
he became. Rather than be beholden to Hatchway, who still
hovered about the gate, eager for an opportunity to assist
him, he chose to undergo the want of almost every
convenience of life, and actually pledged his wearing
apparel to an Irish pawnbroker in the Fleet, for money to
purchase those things, without which he must have absolutely
perished. He was gradually irritated by his misfortunes into
a rancorous resentment against mankind in general, and his
heart so alienated from the enjoyments of life, that he did
not care how soon he quitted his miserable existence. Though
he had shocking examples of the vicissitudes of fortune
continually before his eyes, he could never be reconciled to
the idea of living like his fellow-sufferers, in the most
abject degree of dependence. If he refused to accept of
favours from his own allies and intimate friends, whom he
had formerly obliged, it is not to be supposed that he would
listen to proposals of that kind from any of his
fellow-prisoners, with whom he had contracted acquaintance:
he was even more cautious than ever of incurring
obligations; he now shunned his former messmates, in order
to avoid disagreeable tenders of friendship. Imagining that
he perceived an inclination in the clergyman to learn the
state of his finances, he discouraged and declined the
explanation, and at length secluded himself from all
society.
CHAPTER CI.
He receives an unexpected Visit; and the Clouds of
Misfortune begin to separate.
While he pined in this forlorn condition, with an equal
abhorrence of the world and himself, Captain Gauntlet
arrived in town in order to employ his interest for
promotion in the army; and in consequence of his wife's
particular desire, made it his business to inquire for
Peregrine, to whom he longed to be reconciled, even though
at the expense of a slight submission. But he could hear no
tidings of him, at the place to which he was directed; and,
on the supposition that our hero had gone to reside in the
country, applied himself to his own business, with intention
to renew his inquiries, after that affair should be
transacted. He communicated his demands to his supposed
patron, who had assumed the merit of making him a captain,
and been gratified with a valuable present on that
consideration; and was cajoled with hopes of succeeding in
his present aim by the same interest.
Meanwhile, he became acquainted with one of the clerks
belonging to the War Office, whose advice and assistance, he
was told, would be a furtherance to his scheme. As he had
occasion to discourse with this gentleman upon the
circumstances of his expectation, he learned that the
nobleman, upon whom he depended, was a person of no
consequence in the state, and altogether incapable of
assisting him in his advancement. At the same time, his
counsellor expressed his surprise that Captain Gauntlet did
not rather interest in his cause the noble peer to whose
good offices he owed his last commission.
This remark introduced an explanation, by which Godfrey
discovered, to his infinite astonishment, the mistake in
which he had continued so long with regard to his patron;
though he could not divine the motive which induced a
nobleman, with whom he had no acquaintance or connection, to
interpose his influence in his behalf. Whatsoever that might
be, he thought it was his duty to make his acknowledgment;
and for that purpose went next morning to his house, where
he was politely received, and given to understand that Mr.
Pickle was the person to whose friendship he was indebted
for his last promotion.
Inexpressible were the transports of gratitude,
affection, and remorse that took possession of the soul of
Gauntlet, when this mystery was unfolded. "Good Heaven!"
cried he, lifting up his hands, "have I lived so long in a
state of animosity with my benefactor? I intended to have
reconciled myself at any rate before I was sensible of this
obligation, but now I shall not enjoy a moment's quiet until
I have an opportunity of expressing to him my sense of his
heroic friendship. I presume, from the nature of the favour
conferred upon him in my behalf, that Mr. Pickle is well
known to your lordship; and I should think myself extremely
happy if you could inform me in what part of the country he
is to be found; for the person with whom he lodged some time
ago could give me no intelligence of his motions."
The nobleman, touched with this instance of generous
self-denial in Peregrine, as well as with the sensibility of
his friend, lamented the unhappiness of our hero, while he
gave Gauntlet to understand that he had been long disordered
in his intellects, in consequence of having squandered away
his fortune; and that his creditors had thrown him into the
Fleet prison; but whether he still continued in that
confinement, or was released from his misfortunes by death,
his lordship did not know, because he had never inquired.
Godfrey no sooner received this intimation, than, his
blood boiling with grief and impatience, he craved pardon
for his abrupt departure; then quitting his informer on the
instant, re-embarked in his hackney-coach, and ordered
himself to be conveyed directly to the Fleet. As the vehicle
proceeded along one side of the market, he was surprised
with the appearance of Hatchway and Pipes, who stood
cheapening cauliflowers at a green-stall, their heads being
cased in worsted nightcaps, half covered with their hats,
and a short tobacco-pipe in the mouth of each. He was
rejoiced at sight of the two seamen, which he took for a
happy omen of finding his friend, and, ordering the coachman
to stop the carriage, called to the lieutenant by his name.
Jack replying with an hilloah, looking behind him, and
recognizing the face of his old acquaintance, ran up to the
coach with great eagerness. Shaking the captain heartily by
the hand, "Odds heart!" said he, "I am glad thou hast fallen
in with us; we shall now be able to find the trim of the
vessel, and lay her about on t'other tack. For my own part,
I have had many a consort in my time, that is, in the way of
good fellowship, and I always made a shift to ware 'em at
one time or another. But this headstrong toad will neither
obey the helm nor the sheet; and for aught I know, will
founder where a lies at anchor."
Gauntlet, who conceived part of his meaning, alighted
immediately; and being conducted to the sailor's lodging,
was informed of everything that had passed between the
lieutenant and Pickle. He, in his turn, communicated to Jack
the discovery which he had made, with regard to his
commission; at which the other gave no signs of surprise,
but, taking the pipe from his mouth, "Why look ye, captain,"
said he, "that's not the only good turn you have owed him.
That same money you received from the commodore as an old
debt was all a sham, contrived by Pickle for your service;
but a wool drive under his bare poles without sails and
rigging, or a mess of provision on board, rather than take
the same assistance from another man."
Godfrey was not only amazed, but chagrined at the
knowledge of this anecdote; which gave umbrage to his pride,
while it stimulated his desire of doing something in return
for the obligation. He inquired into the present
circumstances of the prisoner; and understanding that he was
indisposed, and but indifferently provided with the common
necessaries of life, though still deaf to all offers of
assistance, began to be extremely concerned at the account
of this savage obstinacy and pride, which would, he feared,
exclude him from the privilege of relieving him in his
distress. However, he resolved to leave no expedient
untried, that might have any tendency to surmount such
destructive prejudice; and entering the jail, was directed
to the apartment of the wretched prisoner. He knocked softly
at the door, and, when it was opened, started back with
horror and astonishment. The figure that presented itself to
his view was the remains of his once happy friend; but so
miserably altered and disguised, that his features were
scarce cognisable. The florid, the sprightly, the gay, the
elevated youth, was now metamorphosed into a wan, dejected,
meagre, squalid spectre; the hollow-eyed representative of
distemper, indigence, and despair. Yet his eyes retained a
certain ferocity, which threw a dismal gleam athwart the
cloudiness of his aspect, and he, in silence, viewed his old
companion with a look betokening confusion and disdain. As
for Gauntlet, he could not, without emotion, behold such a
woeful reverse of fate, in a person for whom he entertained
the noblest sentiments of friendship, gratitude, and esteem;
his sorrow was at first too big for utterance, and he shed a
flood of tears before he could pronounce one word.
Peregrine, in spite of his misanthropy, could not help
being affected with this uncommon testimony of regard; but
he strove to stifle his sensations. His brows contracted
themselves into a severe frown; his eyes kindled into the
appearance of live coals. He waved with his hand in signal
for Godfrey to be gone, and leave such a wretch as him to
the miseries of his fate; and, finding nature too strong to
be suppressed, uttered a deep groan, and wept aloud.
The soldier, seeing him thus melted, unable to restrain
the strong impulse of his affection, sprung towards, and
clasping him in his arms, "My dearest friend, and best
benefactor," said he, "I am come hither to humble myself for
the offence I was so unhappy as to give at our last parting;
to beg a reconciliation, to thank you for the case and
affluence I have enjoyed through your means, and to rescue
you, in spite of yourself, from this melancholy situation;
of which, but an hour ago, I was utterly ignorant. Do not
deny me the satisfaction of acquitting myself in point of
duty and obligation. You must certainly have had some regard
for a person in whose favour you have exerted yourself so
much; and if any part of that esteem remains, you will not
refuse him an opportunity of approving himself in some
measure worthy of it. Let me not suffer the most mortifying
of all repulses, that of slighted friendship; but kindly
sacrifice your resentment and inflexibility to the request
of one who is at all times ready to sacrifice his life for
your honour and advantage. If you will not yield to my
entreaties, have some regard to the wishes of my Sophy, who
laid me under the strongest injunctions to solicit your
forgiveness, even before she knew how much I was indebted to
your generosity; or, if that consideration should be of no
weight, I hope you will relax a little for the sake of poor
Emilia, whose resentment hath been long subdued by her
affection, and who now droops in secret at your neglect."
Every word of this address, delivered in the most
pathetic manner, made an impression upon the mind of
Peregrine. He was affected with the submission of his
friend, who, in reality, had given him no just cause to
complain. He knew that no ordinary motive had swayed him to
a condescension so extraordinary in a man of his punctilious
temper. He considered it, therefore, as the genuine effect
of eager gratitude and disinterested love, and his heart
began to relent accordingly. When he heard himself conjured
in the name of the gentle Sophy, his obstinacy was quite
overcome; and when Emilia was recalled to his remembrance,
his whole frame underwent a violent agitation. He took his
friend by the hand, with a softened look; and, as soon as he
recovered the faculty of speech, which had been overpowered
in the conflict of passions that transported him, protested,
that he retained no vestige of animosity, but considered him
in the light of an affectionate comrade, the ties of whose
friendship adversity could not unbind. He mentioned Sophy in
the most respectful terms; spoke of Emilia with the most
reverential awe, as the object of his inviolable love and
veneration; but disclaimed all hope of ever more attracting
her regard, and excused himself from profiting by Godfrey's
kind intention; declaring, with a resolute air, that he had
broken off all connection with mankind, and that he
impatiently longed for the hour of his dissolution, which,
if it should not soon arrive by the course of nature, he was
resolved to hasten with his own hands, rather than be
exposed to the contempt, and more intolerable pity, of a
rascally world.
Gauntlet argued against this frantic determination with
all the vehemence of expostulating friendship; but his
remonstrances did not produce the desired effect upon our
desperate hero, who calmly refuted all his arguments, and
asserted the rectitude of his design from the pretended
maxims of reason and true philosophy. While this dispute was
carried on with eagerness on one side, and deliberation on
the other, a letter was brought to Peregrine, who threw it
carelessly aside unopened, though the superscription was in
a handwriting to which he was a stranger; and, in all
probability, the contents would never have been perused, had
not Gauntlet insisted upon his waiving all ceremony, and
reading it forthwith. Thus solicited, Pickle unsealed the
billet, which, to his no small surprise, contained the
following intimation:—
Sir,—This comes to inform you, that, after many dangers
and disappointments, I am, by the blessing of God, safely
arrived in the Downs, on board of the Gomberoon Indiaman,
having made a tolerable voyage; by which I hope I shall be
enabled to repay, with interest, the seven hundred pounds
which I borrowed of you before my departure from England.
I take this opportunity of writing by our purser, who goes
express with despatches for the Company, that you may have
this satisfactory notice as soon as possible, relating to
one whom I suppose you have long given over as lost. I have
enclosed it in a letter to my broker, who, I hope, knows
your address, and will forward it accordingly. And I am,
with respect, Sir, your most humble servant,
"Benjamin Chintz."
He had no sooner taken a cursory view of this agreeable
epistle, than his countenance cleared up, and, reaching it
to his friend, with a smile, "There," said he, "is a more
convincing argument, on your side of the question, than all
the casuists in the universe can advance." Gauntlet,
wondering at this observation, took the paper, and, casting
his eyes greedily upon the contents, congratulated him upon
the receipt of it, with extravagant demonstrations of joy.
"Not on account of the sum," said he, "which, upon my
honour, I would with pleasure pay three times over for your
convenience and satisfaction; but because it seems to have
reconciled you to life, and disposed your mind for enjoying
the comforts of society."
The instantaneous effect which this unexpected smile of
fortune produced in the appearance of our adventurer is
altogether inconceivable; it plumped up his cheeks in a
moment, unbended and enlightened every feature of his face;
elevated his head, which had begun to sink as it were,
between his shoulders; and from a squeaking dispirited tone,
swelled up his voice to a clear manly accent. Godfrey,
taking advantage of this favourable change, began to regale
him with prospects of future success. He reminded him of his
youth and qualifications, which were certainly designed for
better days than those he had as yet seen; he pointed out
various paths by which he might arrive at wealth and
reputation; he importuned him to accept of a sum for his
immediate occasions; and earnestly begged that he would
allow him to discharge the debt for which he was confined,
observing, that Sophy's fortune had enabled him to exhibit
that proof of his gratitude, without any detriment to his
affairs; and protesting that he should not believe himself
in possession of Mr. Pickle's esteem, unless he was
permitted to make some such return of good-will to the man,
who had not only raised him from indigence and scorn, to
competence and reputable rank, but also empowered him to
obtain the possession of an excellent woman, who had filled
up the measure of his felicity.
Peregrine declared himself already overpaid for all his
good offices, by the pleasure he enjoyed in employing them,
and the happy effects they had produced in the mutual
satisfaction of two persons so dear to his affection; and
assured his friend, that one time or other he would set his
conscience at ease, and remove the scruples of his honour,
by having recourse to his assistance; but at present he
could not make use of his friendship, without giving just
cause of offence to honest Hatchway, who was prior to him in
point of solicitation, and had manifested his attachment
with surprising obstinacy and perseverance.
CHAPTER CII.
Peregrine reconciles himself to the Lieutenant, and renews
his Connection with Society—Divers Plans are projected in
his behalf, and he has occasion to exhibit a remarkable
Proof of Self-denial.
The captain, with reluctance, yielded the preference in
this particular to Jack, who was immediately invited to a
conference, by a note subscribed with Pickle's own hand. He
was found at the prison-gate waiting for Gauntlet, to know
the issue of his negotiation. He no sooner received this
summons, than he set all his sails, and made the best of his
way to his friend's apartment; being admitted by the
turnkey, in consequence of Peregrine's request, communicated
by the messenger who, carried the billet. Pipes followed
close in the wake of his shipmate; and, in a few minutes
after the note had been despatched, Peregrine and Gauntlet
heard the sound of the stump, ascending the wooden staircase
with such velocity, that they at first mistook it for the
application of drumsticks to the head of an empty barrel.
This uncommon speed, however, was attended with a
misfortune; he chanced to overlook a small defect in one of
the steps, and his prop plunging into a hole, he fell
backwards, to the imminent danger of his life. Tom was
luckily at his back, and sustained him in his arms, so as
that he escaped without any other damage than the loss of
his wooden leg, which was snapped in the middle, by the
weight of his body in falling; and such was his impatience,
that he would not give himself the trouble to disengage the
fractured member. Unbuckling the whole equipage in a trice,
he left it sticking in the crevice, saying, a rotten cable
was not worth heaving up, and, in this natural state of
mutilation, hopped into the room with infinite expedition.
Peregrine, taking him cordially by the hand, seated him
upon one side of his bed; and, after having made an apology
for that reserve of which he had so justly complained, asked
if he could conveniently accommodate him with the loan of
twenty guineas. The lieutenant, without opening his mouth,
pulled out his purse; and Pipes, who overheard the demand,
applying the whistle to his lips, performed a loud overture,
in token of his joy. Matters being thus brought to an
accommodation, our hero told the captain, that he should be
glad of his company at dinner, with their common friend
Hatchway, if he would in the meantime leave him to the
ministry of Pipes; and the soldier went away for the
present, in order to pay a short visit to his uncle, who at
that time languished in a declining state of health,
promising to return at the appointed hour.
The lieutenant, having surveyed the dismal appearance of
his friend, could not help being moved at the spectacle, and
began to upbraid him with his obstinate pride, which, he
swore, was no better than self-murder. But the young
gentleman interrupted him in the course of his moralizing,
by telling him he had reasons for his conduct, which,
perhaps, he would impart in due season; but, at present, his
design was to alter that plan of behaviour, and make himself
some amends for the misery he had undergone. He accordingly
sent Pipes to redeem his clothes from the pawnbroker's
wardrobe, and bespeak something comfortable for dinner. When
Godfrey came back, he was very agreeably surprised to see
such a favourable alteration in his externals; for, by the
assistance of his valet, he had purified himself from the
dregs of his distress, and now appeared in a decent suit,
with clean linen, while his face was disencumbered of the
hair that overshadowed it, and his apartment prepared for
the reception of company.
They enjoyed their meal with great satisfaction,
entertaining one another with a recapitulation of their
former adventures at the garrison. In the afternoon,
Gauntlet taking his leave, in order to write a letter to his
sister, at the desire of his uncle who, finding his end
approaching, wanted to see her without loss of time,
Peregrine made his appearance on the Bare, and was
complimented on his coming abroad again, not only by his old
messmates, who had not seen him for many weeks, but by a
number of those objects whom his liberality had fed, before
his funds were exhausted. Hatchway was, by his interest with
the warden, put in possession of his former quarters, and
Pipes despatched to make inquiry about Crabtree at his
former lodging, where he learned that the misanthrope, after
a very severe fit of illness, was removed to Kensington
Gravel-pits, for the convenience of breathing a purer air
than that of London.
In consequence of this information, Peregrine, who knew
the narrowness of the old gentleman's fortune, next day
desired his friend Gauntlet to take the trouble of visiting
him, in his name, with a letter, in which he expressed great
concern for his indisposition, gave him notice of the
fortunate intelligence he had received from the Downs, and
conjured him to make use of his purse, if he was in the
least hampered in his circumstances. The captain took coach
immediately, and set out for the place, according to the
direction which Pipes had procured.
Cadwallader, having seen him at Bath, knew him again at
first sight; and, though reduced to a skeleton, believed
himself in such a fair way of doing well, that he would have
accompanied him to the Fleet immediately, had he not been
restrained by his nurse, who was, by his physician, invested
with full authority to dispute and oppose his will in
everything that she should think prejudicial to his health;
for he was considered, by those who had the care of him, as
an old humourist, not a little distempered in his brain. He
inquired particularly about the sailors, who, he said, had
deterred him from carrying on his usual correspondence with
Pickle, and been the immediate cause of his indisposition,
by terrifying him into a fever. Understanding that the
breach between Pickle and Hatchway was happily cemented, and
that he was no longer in any danger from the lieutenant's
resentment, he promised to be at the Fleet with the first
convenient opportunity; and, in the meantime, wrote an
answer to Peregrine's letter, importing, that he was obliged
to him for his offer, but had not the least occasion for his
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